On it's way out..

is the year o' 2014.

And coming up is multi dimensional transport.. hoverboards and.. that other stuff.

Ok, probably not just yet, we'll see. Got until some time in October, I think.

So this year was as useless as all the others I've experienced on this earth.. less productive than most, more productive than one or 2. I did act in a lot of films, that's true, if only student ones with no success at all attempting to do anymore than that.. did a bit of something with a self formed, though founded by another, film group. Went a few places, not many and not very far. Still no gainful employment though.. and have had the honour of being ripped off not once, but at least twice. I can think of 2 times and I think there is probably another.

Anyway, it's New Year's eve.. big night o celebration and of course I have a sore throat and I'm sniffly and have some kind of head cold.. great.. just great. Happy New Year to all of you.

This season..

I guess I am enjoying it. A lovely dinner out on xmas eve.. and a lovely snacks and drinks in, with the same people, on xmas day evening. Now we're just.. hanging out. Leftover food and drinks and movies and apart from the cat trying to eat tinsel everything is pretty cool. Of course, everyone leaves just when you're starting to get to know them really well and are getting along with them but that happens, all to often in our little expat corner here, you get used to it, new people come, they hang around for as long as they do and leave just when you realize what super cool people they are.. ok not always but too often.

Enough of that, tis the season to be jolly and we do have drinks so it's all gonna be fine. We even had a bit of snow today (not yesterday on actual christmas though, somehow it never seems to happen) and some sun, which is nice of the weather gods.. and we've for some reason waited on the whole presents thing so still got some prezzies to open.. fun.

So I'll leave you all (heh, you possibly one person more like it, and even that's a stretch) with the usual Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, good times and I hope you have a great 2015, tough I might just pop in and say something before then, but good wishes for the new year all the same.

Cheery bye for now ;)

Festive schmestive.

I'm honestly not noticing the festive season much this year. The lack of being around other people or in fact getting out at all is the major factor. Well that's why. It's not that I don't know it is or that when I do get out, which is to go to a shop or whatever and I do see isn't christmas trees everywhere or whatever but.. I dunno. It just doesn't seem as much like xmas as often does. That's not a bad thing, I've had a blissful lack of crappy song earworms so far and that is enough to abandon the whole thing altogether as far as I'm concerned. Still..

It's all a factor of me being here alone, not engaging, living in my little bubble with a cat for company. I'm on my own time, and in an alternative though utterly boring reality. I even totally forgot about a whole night out I had last weekend because I was so used to living like this, I tried to rack my brains about the last time I'd been on a tram, or spoken to be people for real and I utterly blanked it.. as well as the worker dudes who came in to replace the water heater but that's a lesser thing.

Of course again I'm making no point. There is non though, not in this particular piece of writing nor in my life. I am not real, my life is not real, I have no purpose.. I'm just here, pottering around day by day being of no consequence. It's not unusual though, it's a microcosm of my life overall.. I am always this, I am always thus. There is simply no reason for me.

Not saying it's necessarily a bad thing, it just is.

And back again.

Back to normal, that is in the sense that I have nothing going on nothing to do and nothing to show for myself. It's been a few days or a week or however long since the last thing I had to do in that week of (relative) busy that I had. The last thing was the film, not the film I may have already mention though I'm not sure if I did, but the other one. The one I"m almost certain I didn't mention because I haven't written since before we had even scheduled the shoot let alone.. well anyway it's the other one. The one I worked on with the group,  you know the group I'm in that does films. It went well. At least I think it is, I don't remember that was already a week ago.

That whole week, or week and a bit.. *scratches head wondering just how long it was but not enough to bother to figure it out* was unusual for a week that I'm here alone that is here alone with no other human, I'm not really alone, I am with the kitty, in that I had a fair amount of human interaction, I went out among other people and spoke to them and was in their real physical presence for amounts of time that is typical for the average human, or at least close to it. So, we did the film and..

I came home. That was a week ago. I haven't left since. Well that's not true I've gone out for short walks and to get stuff from the shop, but I haven't said 2 words to any human in physical reality since then. Actually that's not true the words one uses when one is in the shop is more than that, I think, don't remember.. hmmm.. but I haven't interacted with anyone else. I don't think.. *scratches head again*

but not to worry, Cooley is extremely intelligent and she understands a lot about a lot, we've been having some very deep conversations. Mostly about tuna, but everything counts.

O the excitement.

As far as I know, I have very little going on. I possibly have one thing going on, one day, but that mightn't even happen the way things are going.

Not to be said for the past week.. from my not exactly exciting birthday dinner, to flying off to Amsterdam the next day, having drinks with an old friend (and a new) that night, leaving Erik the next day to fly off to Vancouver (him, not me) and a day in the biting cold and grey city by myself (and possibly old friend, if I could manage to meet up with him without the newfangled technology that the kids have... it did, surprisingly) and then back already to Prague, but not home, to run off to some bar to talk to some guy about a thing.. in the drizzle. Waking up to snow the next day, yes, it really was that cold, not just my imagination. Onto a film set the next day somewhere out in the boonies, though somewhere very nice. Mostly waiting, but still a movie. Finally we close the week with the thing I went to the bar to talk to the guy about.. hosting this thing called a "pub quiz". You may have heard of one. The usual person couldn't make it so this guy, this guy in the bar needed someone else to do it and apparently couldn't find anyone else cos he really hounded me about it. I had some stuff explained but it turned out there was a whole bunch of shit that I had no clue about. It turned out how it turned out.. I reckon I was suitably charming and witty.. 7-8 out of 10 for that.. my score for knowing how the fuck it worked and dealing with the computer and the powerpoint thing and the microphone? About a 3 if we're being extremely generous. 

Anyway.. I'm looking forward to some nothing for a few days, though by a few days or perhaps sooner I may change my mind.

Oh.. another one?

It's my birthday, again. No big deal really, everyone has them and they have them every year. I usually make a big bruha or bruhaha or whatever you call it about it but this year I'm relatively ignoring it, ie making a deal that's only slightly bigger than the average deal about a birthday.. or do people generally make a bigger deal about birthdays than the people I know who aren't me are? I don't know.

So it's my birthday and over the last year I've.. um. Still being me, still mostly.. let's just say all those things I wanted to do? Didn't do them. So I've been in more films than I have in any one year, I think. I've done some other stuff, a voice recording, er... I think some other stuff. I had a job for 3 days, which I didn't get paid for, have made a friend, or friends, it seems as part of a group of people making films, which seems like we might last for long enough to get one film done. Those are things.. those are good things.

I've hardly been anywhere one day out of Prague, in Brno, but otherwise barely left the city limits. Well I think apart from that I didn't leave Prague at all.. well at least I went somewhere once. I do have a trip out of the country, even if just for one night, to somewhere I've never been coming up but it's past the cutoff for this "year" that is the year by this birthday so it doesn't count.

Anyway, like I said, no big deal, whatever.. stop bangin on about it.

Is it me...

or is it the lack of light, the drizzle, the cold which isn't really all that cold but it just seems like it should be because it's all grey and damp so I feel like I'm cold anyway or that I would if I went outside?

I think it's me. And maybe the season. Mostly me.

What was I saying?

So it went pretty well, despite my whining, it turned out to be, just a good thing, a pretty to very good thing. I could use more of that but good things are good things. Of course, when I got home today, after a good thing, feeling pretty good about myself, even joking about how little I have to whine about, really.. I get the balance.. yeah, something showed up we.. not showed up just a reminder and the specific details of something which is not on the good side of things.

Well, I guess that's life in general. I'm no different than anyone else. Again, there are a few other things that came up, things on the horizon, 2 to be specific but at the rate that the horizon promises things there could be more soon. Of course, the ratio of things to images on the horizon is pretty small. Still, anything could happen, and I'm hoping for it to be good. just good would be nice, for once, but I think I already went over that.

Ah yes..

o well..

that didn't work.

So, things happen, and you have to take the bad with the good.. I know that, I understand that, just.. when there really in'st much of anything at all, good or bad, but when there is it's mostly bad, during an era with a constant undercurrent of quite bad if not actually terrible, does everything good have to come with just a tinge of shit? Can't something just be all good for once? And while we're at it, make it just a touch better.. oh and more of it. Thanks.

Partly forth, mostly back.

I seem to be going back and forth all the time between having things going on, that's things on the horizon that have potential, and everything completely sucking. Today had potential and potentially still has potential but as the hours pass... the potential for potential gets.. um.. less.

I'd call it a rut but it's really just my life. Still.. need to get out of it whatever you call it, things need to change. I think I may have said that before, more than once even. It's just as well no one reads anymore (or never really did but now really especially doesn't) because I don't really need reminding of the numerous times I've said something of the sort just to say oh.. I didn't do that, or that didn't happen, or I'm still intending to do that but haven't yet and this time I totes like will.. honestly. Not that anyone, if they did read would read that closely.

Well.. tomorrow is here soon, who knows what it will bring (actually me, I'm reckoning "not a whole lot").

What is today..

the 3rd?

Still might make it.

*carries on*

Housekeeping.

This is what I need to be doing. Not literally, although, I do need to be doing that as well.. either here or elsewhere for reasons, but I mean in a.. well a different sense. Cleaning up stuff or at least getting it sorted out in an orderly manner, bolded headings, put into folders, folders away in drawers that are clearly and relevantly marked. Actually finding stuff first.

Before that I need to even figure out what I need to find and what's do be done with it when that's done.. this part I've begun, well I've made an appointment to do that, sort of.

Yes, everything is a mess. I've made a proper fuckup of stuff and it's time to dig myself out of this mess.. it's a lot to do, and as I've (sort of, in a vague way) said, I'm not even at the point of starting the preliminary stages yet, but it makes me feel better that I've (in a way) done (kind of) something to get it going. So far I've met with someone. I need to meet with someone because I haven't a fucking clue what I'm doing or what needs to be done or how much mess I'm even in.. it mightn't be pleasant to get all that information but it is kind of necessary. Way overdue, but this is the time to get on it.

Then I can move on and get my life (back?) on track and move (hopefully) forward and put myself in a position where I can start thinking about beginning to do stuff that I really want to do and be and all that. Of course, I can't really wait to do that because some of it (the bits where I get myself somewhere on track not the fun or cool or meaningful bits) needs to be done right away, or at least much sooner than I have any chance of fixing the other stuff. Guess that means I'm going to be busy.

Welcome to...

November.. the month of. Well not much. Ok there's a lot, my birthday for one thing (again.. yet again.. yet another one) and continuing autumn the escalation of the war on christmas and other stuff.. but you know, much of the same. It gets colder (if you're somewhere that it gets colder this time of year) and the leaves that made such a show of springing into bright and crazy colours fall to the ground leaving dead trees behind.

It is the beginning of another month, and I thought I'd try one of those "post for every day" things again. See if I can do it, and if I can do it and if the writing regularly helps with inspiration for stuff to write as opposed to.. yanno, filler. I'm good at that, but I'd like to expand. I'm taking bets on how many days I'll last before I forget to write. I'm betting on 4.

The End.

Of the month. Again. Another all hallow's or saint's or whatever's eve where I do dorky things dorkily. Spacegirl! I finally get to get her our properly. Sort of.

Well it's also just the boring old end of anther month and dammit if things aren't exactly the same as they are all the other times that it's the beginning or the end or the middle of something. It's just the same, always all the same, forever the same bloody thing!

So, just letting you know, still around just, nothing really to say. As usual.

You know how things change?

Well they really don't. I mean, I kinda had a job, it was possibly only temporary, but potentially more permanent, but after a few days well.. it just petered out.

So here I am again. Sifting through things, looking up things, writing to people.

Well.. just started with a new seemingly enthusiastic and energetic people for film making.. and have another role in another film. Must be a record for me, doing almost as much as a small time actor does in a quarterly period in a year.

This seems so familiar.

It seems I'm going back to checking my emails every so often to see if anyone's replied to anything or if they sent the email they promised until I start to forget that I'm expecting any message from anyone. The reasons for the expected emails are different, but they are still expected. Well not so much anymore, I'm beginning to forget about them.

Is this back to the proverbial drawing board?

That's Life.

Well, it seems things have pretty much changed. Barely a week ago I was in a funk, a slump, a.. something else that means more or less the same thing with one syllable that has a snappy sound. Then circumstances changed and that particular thing went away.

Then I was required to be places, and travel on buses, early! I wouldn't anymore have any free time to do my own thing over the day, from chillin in comfort to doing all the research and study and practice and editing and writing that I totally intended to do every day that would bring.. well that eventually would lead to something. And of course, starting something new is always stressful for me. I started and it seemed I was going ok, then I wasn't sure, then I'm in that position I always am with everything where I'm not sure about something, don't know whether to ask or just do it or what. still, seemed to work out so far.

Then I got a phone call about one of those annoying, worrying things to do with official stuff that now I have to worry about. Actually it was something I already had to worry about just now I have to worry about it more.

So, life goes on. Had a weekend, fun and relaxing despite the things I had to worry about, but I lost my hat. a day trip that took me out of the city for the first time this year, I think. That was pleasant, I have lots of photos. Then back to work. Still no progress on the thing I need to worry about more, nice of them to call on a Friday before a Monday I would be out of town.... and I didn't get my hat back.

Now today I'm working from home, for about who knows how long, it's raining, which doesn't bother me too much, considering the timing works out for me. No money yet, and I've completely ran out of my film money from the summer but we have plenty of stuff in the house for once so I can live with that. Soon, when I get the link I will start doing what I'm supposed to do the next few days and see if it's really difficult or annoying or interesting or if it takes me so much longer to do it than usual or what. So, a bit of this a bit of that, worries, joy, loss, fun stuff. That's just life. I really would like my hat back though.

Mugs.

Mugs it is. Mugs is what I do. Actually steins. I dunno, well I do, stuff. Moving things around, taking stickers off things and putting other stickers on things, fixing English, some photos. Probably plus some other stuff. How long I'll be doing this I don't know but that's what I'm doing. I mean, not now because it's Sunday and not tomorrow because I'm doing a day trip to see the parents who came back through the country for one day and couldn't come to Prague so we're going to Brno where I've been many times but always on business, well for fiddly bureaucratic things and never really saw it properly with friends and drinks and stuff, so it'll be nice despite the before sunrise (probably) start.

Anyway.. mug, steins. yeah.

It never rains..

but then it hails.

Yes, hails. I'm just gonna leave you with that thought.

Happy October.

Here's a photo

cos I want to post one.

And for another year...

summer, in the Northern Hemisphere anyway, in those places that have such things as winter and summer, in the more temperate places which don't stay really warm really late, is pretty much over. It's officially autumn post equinox if you pay attention to that sort of thing and after getting warm again here it's gotten colder again and rained some and been grey and though it's supposed to warm up again.. I think we can say it's just not summer anymore. At all. The sun's going down really early already.

Nevermind. It's not like I was going swimming and waterskiing and doing summer fun stuff anyway, and I do like the golden beauty of the leaves this time of year, oh, and Vinobrani... love the vinobrani.. but most important of all..

War on Christmas* is coming!

Can't wait. *gets devilish look in eye*



*not that it really happens here well that it at all happens here but I don't really get out anyway and pretty much spend my life on the internet so it's a thing.

I finally did something right!

Apparently, of late my posts have been very informative, I have good knowledge and my posts are very able..

Strange, they never were before, and now all of a sudden people, and not just any people, really clever people, who run marketing and debt management and other financial and even game sites think this! You can tell because of the links they leave. Can you believe it? I finally got noticed.

In a totally unrelated move, I'm bringing back comment moderation, at least for a while. I dunno, just felt it might be good to have that.

*does some cleaning*

I had a thought.

And then I lost it.

This happens, we have so many thoughts, ideas, light bulb moments that we either don't identify as such, or forget about by the time we... what was I saying? Oh yeah, thinking of stuff. I think of stuff all the time. At least I think I do but most of it just goes out the other end.

I mean I think of some stuff some of the time. And it's pretty mundane stuff, from the most boring to the so vague there's nothing you can do with it. I used to think of stuff much more, actual good stuff, specific stuff and if you were to read (if you were so inclined and I'm pretty sure you aren't because why would one?) back a bit on this blog, you would find more than one, nay, more than 5 very posts talking about this very thing.

Yes, it's a long time since I've had an idea worth forgetting about. Not just an idea, those I still have sometimes, and though most of them aren't good, they're ideas, but real things to write about, with details and stuff. At this point I could go on and on referencing a post talking about how I wrote about having this sort of 'writer's block" because I'd just gone through the blog and read some stuff about how I don't get those sort of ideas anymore, and it wouldn't be the first time I wrote that either.

Again, I have no point. I just wish I could... could.. stuff, that, it you know. things.. sometimes what is kind of good even. Yes.

*tears hair out*

ouch

Don't bother reading.

No, seriously, don't. I'm just gonna whine again about whatever it is I'm writing about which I'll leave vague so you don't know quite what it is I'm talking about.

Where was I? Oh yeah, whining. Well, I'm fed up. I'm fed up with nothing. All this nothing, just nothing. I do stuff (ok not so much stuff, not by any normal person's let alone really ambitious hard working person's standards but it's stuff) I work (see previous brackets) I stress (actually quite a lot) in preparation for things and out of all these things I get a reply from..

*crickets*

I think that made sense. I don't really care if it didn't. Ok so if it doesn't I'm saying that nothing is going on, all these things that I thought would lead top something, at least one of them, or maybe 2 of the smaller less exciting ones, there is again nothing.

I mean, nothing is ok, nothing is what I'm used to. I'm comfortable with nothing. Not necessarily satisfied but I get by, it's just when one's hopes are raised, and one thinks that nothing will be enhanced by just a little something, and that there is actually quite a reasonably high hope of it.. and it all goes back to nothing again.

I'll be ok, I'll get used to it again pretty quick, it's just that.. right now, it doesn't please me. I'll have to go and distract myself somehow.

So long and so fast.

Time goes by so fast, they say, and I tend to think. It just flies by, actually. Of course, how fast is fast? I mean, time goes by how long it takes time to go by, for instance, a day takes a day to go by and that's as fast as, well, a day takes.

That's not what I'm writing about though. I mean I was, but it's sort of the b plot if you will, for this blog I'm writing. Yes, I see what I did there. Yes time goes by fast but everything takes so long. Things take so long we never even get to them. Well for me anyway, I mean some things.

Here I am waiting again, to hear from someone, or someone else after applying, or even going in and doing a (mediocre to adequate if I want to be charitable to myself) audition, or writing a test summary, or something else similar to one of those things or not that similar but someone one does. Actually I think I pretty much listed all of them. And things going further back that I can pretty much file away as "officially didn't happen". You can probably include at least one thing on that list, though you could probably safely chuck it all in that file without a chance of missing much.

The stupid thing is, I'm always so nervous of checking my emails whenever I have something outstanding going on. I'm afraid of them letting me know that I'm just not good enough, or of being told I was too late (as I tend to take 2 or 3 goes over 4 or 5 days to finally complete and send an email for the simplest of things) or to be told I have the role/job and then I have to deal with the anxiety of doing it all. Well not so much the last one. I mean, I would be stressing about that but that is the one that never really happens.

So here I am, clicking on gmail, hoping it safely says I have none new and when there is one I see it's just a notification from twitter, or a silly email from a friend and I go "phew". Yes, I literally do that. No I don't but I do think that. Then I start relaxing because it's not first on my mind anymore. Then I start wishing the reply would kind of come. Then I forget about it, then I start checking my email every 15 minutes hoping it will show up already. Then I forget about it, then I remember and think, hey, there was that thing I was hoping I would be doing.. guess that's not going to happen now. Oh well, sucks to be me.

At the moment I'm in stages 1, 2 and 4 and 6. I think, I'm just guessing, I can't be bothered to go back and see what I wrote and compare it to the stuff I'm referring too. I don't even know if there are that many stages, but it's probably close.

How long?

Just how long does it take 3 guys to put one shitty little window into a tiny room in fact the smallest room in the house with all that entails you know the one which holds the facilities that we all need I mean really need to use every so often? I am asking because it's been 2 hours so far, and apart from the fact I have a ton of shit to do (see illegible scrawl from yesterday) and I can't do anything in much of the flat, can't shower, can't think because there's all this noise oh yeah they're digging up my street! I really really really really need to use the facilities that that room contains.

I should have gone before they came, yes, a sensible person would do that. I however, am not sensible enough to say, put a reminder on my phone that this was happening today, so I of course forgot. And there being a visitor here, someone who we kindly let stay at the last minute for one night 2 nights ago, and there's all this noise going on as they're ripping up our street, so when they buzzed and explained in whatever Slavic language they manage to speak, I had no idea what they were talking about. It did take them forever to get up the stairs, so again, a sensible person would take that opportunity to use said facility. I am no sensible, again, didn't occur to me. I was too busy trying to explain to the visitor, who now decided to leave with a giant backpack, as politely as possible to keep out of the way of work dudes (or just one work dude as I thought at the time) who were coming up the stairs with a lot of equipment, and a window, and then stressing because she then moved exactly right in their way and me being polite said oh could you kindly not do that there because it's in the way so she moved more in the way. Anyway, one of them came, and then we waited until another came, and then the 3rd came and well.. to cut a long story not any shorter because I've already told it all.. they're still doing it. And I had 2 coffees.

Today kind of sucks.

The list keeps getting longer.

I have this list. It's something I've been doing for a while, making lists for stuff to do of a day. I've kept them on and off, a day or 2 on, a week off, then one day on, 3 weeks off, and the next month I remember, oh I used to do that I should do it again and I don't bother but the next week I make a list.

I did it for this week, well today and tomorrow so far and it's just so bloody long! You see, things keep getting added to these lists, and yeah, some things get done, a few do, and time just get timed out of usefulness but there are more and more things, always more things and most of the other stuff doesn't get depleted because well.. it doesn't get done. Then there's those repeat tasks but I'm not speaking of those now though I usually don't do those either.

Anyway today's the first day for a month or so I've had it all down on paper (actually a file on the computer) before me and I could blame the fact that we had a last minute request to have someone stay here last night who was supposed to leave early in the morning who actually went off some time in the afternoon (to come back again in the evening which I didn't know of until that time) and she needed to use the computer for a minute and it was more than a minute and then the internet was down for a bit and when it came back she need to get back on and send that email, or that.. no I don't have another excuse, well I could blame that for me not getting started, on this Monday, this Monday of this week I was once and for all going to get down to business and get all those things done and move forward with a new take on life but really it's because I'm lazy and I get too caught up in useless stuff. Well it is a little bit of the fault fo the situation ie the one where they said they'd meet us in this bar nearby around 8 and then it became 8 to 9 and then it was 10 and then 11:30 and then it was a bit after that, which was ok.

So anyway, I may have gotten one of today's things done, and I'm off to do another. Hopefully before everyone comes home I'll have polished off at least 2 more from the list. At least started one of them.

Oh yeah and I'm writing, I might continue to. I think I've forgotten how.

Why hello!

Hey I got this blog here. So I haven't signed in for a while, and I'd say I've been busy, which I was for some bits of the time, but that's the not the only reason, nor the main reason.

There's not really a reason, however I suspect that no one is too concerned so, just saying hi.

Hi.

One every day.

They say you learn something new every day. I think that perhaps for once, that the elusive "they" might just be right. Of course, perhaps it's not true for everyone, but if you define "something" broadly enough well.. yeah they probably have a point.

My thing that I learned on this day is a new word. Now, I don't know how well this word is and I might come across as horribly unlearned once you realize I didn't formerly know this word, but there you go, how educated or clever or whatever I am, I don't really know, I read stuff or find myself in conversations sometimes where everyone seems to just know stuff that they expect others to just know that I have no idea about, but sometimes I find myself being particularly erudite about a clever sort of thing, history for example, which might be something I just read or watched a documentary on because I'm intellectually curious like that, or that I just know because I did actually go to school once, and I find that people don't know it, so who knows. I know some stuff and I don't know other stuff. Anyway, one of the things I don't know (or at least didn't until I heard of it today) is the word algolagnia.

Do you know it? You know it? Yeah!

Well anyway, the def:

sexual pleasure derived from enduring or inflicting pain, as in masochism or sadism. 

 You perve!

Obviously I'd never heard of such a thing before, because I'm completely innocent of that sort of thing, and it took for me to read about sketchy underground societies in London in the late Victorian to find out about it. Of course, I wasn't expecting to come across quite that. Actually I sort of was, those posh cats, they could get pretty freaky.

Anyway now you know. If you didn't already.

Procrastinator Extraordinare

That would be me. Many would claim the right to that title, but it goes to me, I awarded it myself. I really really really really really really do put things off. I'm not just talking about doing the homework, or sweeping, or telling that person that thing you'd rather avoid but know you have to do it at some point and there's no getting out of it, I'm talking about everything. Even things that are not even all that bad, such a big deal or so much work.

I can't even reply to an email or a posting of something I'm interested in (job, role etc) right away. A simple case of saying hello I'm interested in this here are my details, the exact same thing I've written before so I don't have to really do any work for it. The result is that I get around to doing things too late, quite often, sometimes I just don't bother, I talk myself into saying "well, I won't get it anyway, and it's too late" etc etc. There are times it doesn't make much difference and I don't get the thing because I fuck it up at the meeting or I'm just not what they're looking for because well, I'm never what they're looking for but yanno.

And of course there are those things that are run by small companies, groups, bunch of people getting together to make a movie that are about as well run as my inner management group and when I send them an email just in time or giving myself a few days I end up not getting any reply because, well, they're only considerably more competent than I am, which isn't saying a lot. I think I just experienced one of these things.. couldn't just reply and say "hi, this is me I'm interested in this.. bla bla bla a few things about me" no, I had to leave it, put it off, go back the next day and completely forgot what it was that I had read that I should apply for, not find it, then remember what it was later on, look for it again, find it, say ok I'm bookmarking it this time I'll email later, I have a few days, then wait until the day before the last day they say to email, and write to them.

Most likely too late, and it's not a big deal it's something I wouldn't have gotten anyway because I'm sure they're not looking for someone like me and if they're not looking for anything in particular they'll take (they would have taken) one look at me and say "no, not that" but I'm just saying this is what I do and it illustrates why I'm worthy of the title. So there.

What a schmuck!

Australian expat and creationist dude Ken Ham, has called for an end to the US space program. Yes, I know what you're thinking.. (assuming you're a yank which you probably aren't because, well, anyway) you're thinking "who is this imposter who thinks he can tell us what to do with our superior science and stuff! We're the USA and we go to SPACE mother fuckers!

Yes, that is exactly what you said, assuming you are reading this, and  you are American.

So I'll answer the question. He, is Ken Ham, from Queensland, Australia, and he's this creationist dude, like I said. And he disapproves of the space program. Now, I'm sure there are many valid critiques of said program, some which I would probably agree with even, but the reason he gives, well, I'm not buying it. Basically it's because, assuming we find any aliens, which we won't, but if we do, they're going to hell.
That's it.

Now I don't think there is a hell, so obvs this doesn't convince me but what if it were true? That there is a god, there is a hell and all non earthlings, because only earthlings can be saved because, um, go to hell, because everyone who isn't saved goes to hell because, er.. well.. still. Is that a reason to not look for life on other planets? Or to go there for whatever other reasons they go there for? No, I mean, there may be reasons from the cost to, um, other reasons, but that any life you find will be surely going to hell, no, don't get it.

Of course, Mr Ham just doesn't like secular stuff in general, and that's probably what it's really about, “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.” he says.

Of course, there couldn't possibly be other reasons to want to exit the earth's atmosphere and discover what's out there, to visit other plants and possibly find other life I mean aliens! Fucking aliens dude how cool is that? Yes, I know the only purposes of going to space isn't to find life forms, and that any life we are at all likely to find will be more of the amoeba like kind, but that's still cool, I mean, pretty cool, if you're a scientist.

No, of course not, it's all about God, people don't believe in God, have lives that don't revolve around God, don't really think of God much one way or the other when they're not being confronted about it, because they're actively rejecting God because they're angry and they spend their entire lives doing things because of this rejection of God. And all those people who worship other gods or this God in a different way, same thing, a bit different but the same.

I was going to say some other clever stuff about how people generally think that other people think like them and most of us, myself included just as much if not more than everyone else does this, hey I just said it, well yeah, that. And that religious people, some, not all, but certainly Ken and his ilk, just plain don't believe in atheists. You tell them you're an atheist, that you don't believe in god, and they're like oh your'e angry at god, and you say no, I don't  believe in god, so they're all what did god or your parents or your teachers do to make you so angry at god and you reply, getting rather testy that no, you are not angry at god you do not think there is a god, and they say yeah, you're angry at him we've established that.. and you start growling and spell out that you do not believe in god this god guy they are speaking of you are not of the opinion that he exists at all, and they say.. oh, I get it, you just wanna do what you want and be bad and stuff, and when you were a kid something happened.. and then you start yelling.. perhaps you explain it again but it just does not compute. That's sort of what this guy's doing.

Upkeep.

I never used to have problems upkeeping this blog thing here. I scoffed at those who started blogs and let them lie idle for weeks, months, years even. Not that I've been terribly prolific during all of my blogging career, but I always come back with something after about.. well no longer than.. well not too long whatever too long is.

Ok so I didn't scoff.. I just didn't, do that.

Now, I kind of am. I get it. Even I, who will write about anything, nothing, about writing about nothing, a very vague outline based on my boring life, the weather etc etc etc, has, well nothing to write about. What does one write about? Well.. this, I suppose.

I'm hoping I'll get that subjects thing back, I used to have subjects, long ago. I dimly recall.

Been quiet.

Well, here on this blog anyway, in general, for me, and in life. I don't know, not necessarily quiet, not particularly noisy, or busy either.

I've done stuff, I think. *tries to think of stuff*

Well I almost did some stuff but that didn't pan out. I am doing stuff next week, a film.. yes another, been pretty good for me so far this year, this will be the third. If I could only get more of them, and bigger ones, and other stuff going then things would be.. well better, but as they are they're not so bad.

Summer's back again briefly but I'm sure it will rain again at some point, not that that makes it not summer, just, a certain kind of summer.

I feel like there's more, but I can't think of it now.. lazy Saturday is here. Catch ya soon, maybe.

Lost days.

Life just doesn't happen if there's no one there to photograph it. Well when I'm not there to capture it, or I'm there but have no camera to shoot it. I'd say it again if I could come up with another simile for "to take a photograph".

Saturday was the summer solstice, here in the northern hemisphere. The day, where absolutely everything happens, particularly when it falls on a Saturday, which it did. Festivals and parties all over the place. One of them was the annual veggie parade, which I took part in. And yes, it did really happen, and I was really there, I have photos to prove it. We wandered through the streets of Prague, shouting slogans, some, especially the English ones, quite silly, among people with banners, in costumes, with dogs, with kids. We stopped, we froze, we kept chanting. Then had ice cream and snacks, well waited for ages for 2 guys in the vegan ice cream line, while having other non ice cream food, and beer. Like I said, that happened.

Oh yeah the world cup is on too. You may have heard about it. A bunch of people from a bunch of countries get together somewhere, this time Brazil, to play football. Some countries pretty much always go and pretty much always get through to the second round to battle it out for the big games but some of those didn't get that far this year. We watched a game, first half near the final point of the walk and half of it nearer to our next destination. Argentina won that game.

The last thing didn't happen. Well it sorta happened. I went there, and I'd had a few beers and stuff and we went to go on and the guy at the door searched my bag and said "you can't bring in a camera" it sounded like he said "you can bring in a camera" because of his accent, so I said yeah I have a camera, not that he wouldn't have known I have one because it's quite bulky, so we had to go and store it at the office. Yeah there's an office, not relevant.

So we went back, without the camera, except that bit didn't happen. Ok so it did, but fuzzily, with low resolution. The people with iphones got to experience it properly, in video and everything.. of course, those don't count as a camera, so you can take those in.. must remember to acquire one of those. I didn't see any of that of course.

Oh and the next few days didn't happen at all. That's why I didn't write then.

Small Place

People like to say it's a small world, sometimes when noticing similarities between people in or from different places, usually when running into someone who knows a person place or thing that is very far away from where you both are, but close to where you once were, or something. Of course, small is relative and we only have this world to compare ours to, if we were talking planets, it certainly is a relatively small one, compared to the Jupiters and Saturns and the like, but one doesn't usually call those planets worlds.

I was mildly amused the other day, on the second day of shooting when I met someone in the beergarden who I know pretty well, who actually wasn't there for the shoot. Prague isn't a hugely populous city, and this beergarden is a pretty popular place with the expat crowd, particularly the arty/filmy subset of that crowd, so just amused, mildly at this point. Later on when one of the extras went over to jam with him and his friend, someone I've met before but don't really know, he came back saying that he (the other guy, one I don't know so well) was composing the score for a movie about a homeless 12 year old boy who goes on an adventure on the streets of Prague I told him.. I worked on that movie.. she (the girl playing my daughter in this film) was in that movie! World getting smaller.

Still only amusing though, what was really weird was when on the first day of the shoot we asked some girls if they minded us filming them at their table as general beergarden patrons, then asked where they were from etc etc.. they were from LA like one or a few of the students. Well apart from the fact that this was a FAMU film (a prestigious Prague film school) and they were on a program from NYU, though they all seem to be from California, it wasn't a big deal because.. LA, large city, and this is an area where a lot of foreigners, not only expats hang out. When it turned out that one of them new this guy's cousin, then the world became small. Well LA anyway. I thought it was on the big side for a city. I dunno, maybe there are a lot of poor people, so the pool of folk who go traveling and stuff is small. I mean, apart from all those super rich Hollywood people of course, and all the other super rich people. Or maybe it was just a coincidence. Like I may have said, small world.

Parenting experience.

Obviously I have none. Not being a parent, or a guardian of any sort or even a godparent whatever that is, or anything like that. I have very little experience looking after or really being around children, know nothing about them, and if they're not old enough to form something resembling a coherent sentence that a conversation can be made from, ie at least 3, so I can talk to them on their level, I just don't get them.

Well perhaps that's not true, I've played a mother a few times now and to be perfectly humble, I fucking rocked it. I mean I was pretending, that's what you do, and I'm good at it, but you know, following a script and being caring and shit to some kid you don't know and beaming at them.. got that down, what more is there to it? I mean, you fix some beans and wipe noses every now and again, I can do that too.

Oh I'm not suggesting I procure some of these critters, I just can't be fucked with that and it's probably too late anyway, but I think it makes me expert enough to tell people how to bring up their kids, how they're doing everything wrong, and that they need to stop doing most of what they're doing, particularly when it involves something that may at some time be a minor inconvenience to me. Considering I'm all clever and shit in the first place, now with all this experience, it's a no brainer.

Well today I was playing what would generally be considered a bad mother, who smokes and flirts with men and everything, and actually I've played a prostitute more times and I obviously don't reflect that in anyway, probably a nurse too, and I can barely bandage a finger so, maybe parenting advice isn't my thing. I do like the idea of setting people right about the way they live their lives, what they think and the way they do things though.. maybe I'll just get a blog.

On a role

This coming week will be this year's week. If I expand the time a bit, this late part of one month and first half of another month will be my late part of one month and first half of the next month.

Got work finally! Well, days of work, but it's acting work and pretty good roles too. Yes, it's two of them, and one of them is even for a film that I missed my casting for because I was such an idiot that I looked for the wrong place on the map and well.. went to the wrong place, tried to find the right place but as I didn't know where it was an didn't happen to stumble across it luckily, didn't find it. So that's cool. You think I'd have a more positive post, saying that things are happening for me and this bodes well for the future and I've arrived and I'm like, a real (ish) actress doing lots of stuff if it's not exactly the most high calibre stuff it's stuff but I've said stuff like that before and I don't believe in jinxing but I don't want to jinx it.

So after these three (the one I did last month and the ones I'm doing this week) roles, there will be probably bugger all in the way of acting except some helping out with flyers (I did that today actually, dressed in like, a medieval page boy costume, I think) or as an extra or a 42 second video we shoot that I take ages to edit and then don't want to show because I don't like the way my nose looks, and not much else of note regarding employment or opportunities of any sort.

Oh and who knows if these, especially the second one, will really happen. Probably will but until they're done they're not done. The first one almost certain, got a call sheet and everything. The other one. I'll see. And after that, well I'll have a lot of time to write :).

Whoops I forgot!

To post. Yesterday. Besmirched my perfect record. O well nevermind, I shall get through it.

Expanding Horizons.

So I go to the film school to meet this guy about a movie, thinking it's going to be a possibly dry but maybe well done and deep story about a woman (that would be me) who takes care of her mentally ill sister. So, yanno, kind of a slightly better chick role than "the girlfriend" "the prostitute" which I used to play pretty much whenever I played anything, or "the wife" or "the mother" which are my roles now, almost exclusively.

Still.. it would be cool to do something fun for once, real fun. Ok so the last film I was in was fun, it was "the mother" a particularly old scraggy mother which made it alright of course, but that one was fun, I got to dress up in animal print and everything, you may have seen photos.

Anyway, I got there and first he takes us to a restaurant, big points, and then says oh yeah I'm doing a different movie you're playing aliens.

And I thought like.. cool! And it is pretty cool. We talked about it and came up with stuff to add and started thinking about what kind of aliens we are and what earth things we're going to focus on, as you do and well anyway, I'm playing an alien! First time ever. I think it's my very first non human, at that.

'bout time!

*checks off list*

I've been making lists, daily ones, of stuff I should do. I divide them up into three, stuff that must be done, stuff I should do but not essential, and stuff that it would be totally cool if I got around to if I have time. I tried doing the lists a few days ahead but I had to adjust them all the time depending on what I did the day before.

So, generally I get one or 2 of the essential list done. I usually have more than 2 things on that list. Today I made pitas, which was on my list, and I'd thought for a second about making before but I looked at the recipe and it sounded a bit complicated so I forgot about it, and I thought that this probably would be one thing I wouldn't get done today, and if I did, it wouldn't work out. Well, I did and it did. Turns out it's pretty easy, even if you don't follow the instructions perfectly perfect but pretty close. So I'll do those again.

The other stuff o the list was really just there because it was on the general list, like exercise. I intend to do that every day, but then it got real hot and I thought.. eh.

There was something else but I forgot what it was and don't know if I did it. I think it was clean the computer, which I tried to do, kind of but, there's only so much you can do when you're not adept with a screwdriver, don't have a vacuum thingy or that air spray stuff, so I sorta fiddled with it a bit.

I really am just writing for the sake of writing now, but I don't think it matters, because you're just reading for the sake of reading, aren't you? You? Hello?

The ongoing adventures.

I had a casting this evening. Something that is the same thing or at least very similar to something I've been to before and written about here often. Summer courses, group casting, act out a basic and rather oddly dialogued script, the same they've used for years now, with another person, and if people like you and need someone like you in their film, you get a call.

That went ok. I think I was good, I know how to do this acting stuff so I was as good as anyone, and better than many if I may say so myself, and I may so I will. And I just did. Someone asked me a brief question after so perhaps, I don't know, I'll see if someone deems me worthy of being the wife or mother or other female sidekick of the main character of their film.

It wasn't the only casting I had today however, I mean, not the only one I was scheduled for. I had another set, with another film school, of course.. what you think I'm being sent for real stuff with professionals? I think I can safely say that that is never, well not terribly likely, well probably well it would be ice but I'm not sure that will ever happen. Anyway this one I am less familiar with. Didn't even know where it was, so I looked it up, on google maps. Checked it carefully, looked at it in satellite view and zoomed in and everything.

Still, I made sure I got a bit early for my appointment, didn't have enough credits for so much as a text so I had to make sure I was there when I was supposed to be, and when I got off the tram, I was making good time. Then I went to where the school was supposed to be. IT WASN'T THERE!

Bloody map was wrong, or more likely I was demonstrating my utter inability to follow the simplest of directions, either way, I could not find it. I looked everywhere, up and down every street looking for this one street the school is supposed to be on, which I know but I just don't know where it is exactly, and kept thinking it had to be this one but of course it wasn't. And it was hot. I kept looking until I gave up. It was too late and I couldn't even text to say I was late and had no idea where it was because.. no credits. 

So I had a beer and waited for the next one. Well I did some shopping too. Still no idea where that school is, or the street. I'd look on the map but I'd rather not, as it will almost certainly confirm that I am completely at fault and the address and the map and everything is't even the slightest bit confusing, and I'm just an idiot, so I'd rather hang onto the slightest thread of possibility that it was just somehow outrageously wrong. It could be.

Spooked!

Every now and again, when  I feel I should write but have nothing to write about, which happens well.. every day when I set myself one of these "write every day for a month" things.. not the thing I'm going to mention but the having nothing to write about thing, well the thing, not the having nothing to write about itself, but the other thing is to look through the archives and see what I wrote about on this day.. whatever year.

First I get depressed. Or not depressed exactly, a less severe version of it, morose maybe, or is that worse? I dunno.. a bit crummy then. I see a whole bunch of "something cool is happening and I hope it works out", "something cool might happen and I hope it happens", and much more "I should be doing something but I'm not doing it, or I'm not doing it properly, or there's nothing going on I hope stuff happens at some point" etc etc etc. And of course, that cool thing didn't work out, those cool things didn't happen, and I'm still not doing whatever I was supposed to be doing or the stuff that I hoped I would be doing later. And a whole lot of nothing on this date for a few years, until I find one..

2011 

Back when I was still tour guiding, the first one. The ghosty tours. Now, there was one tour we did, where we went into the creepy, spooky underground of Prague Town Hall. It is pretty spooky and creepy. It's apparently haunted and a bunch of guides, pretty much all of them said they'd had encounters down there, or at least some sort of incident which the people on the tour were really into and it made it awesome. That never happened to me, maybe it was because of my skepticism, I do't believe in ghosts or anything magical, because, um, it's completely fucking stupid how anyone can believe in any of that shit I don't know, but still.. there's something about it all that seems to at least make a tour really cool if nothing else.

and then one night.. exactly 3 years ago, well, plus 12 hours or so, it happened! I mean I didn't see anything, there were some strange noises that seemed unexplained at the time and everyone was freaked out, and that made me freaked out which made them freaked out even more.. and after that every little noise, even someone moving across the dusty floor made us all jump and at the end one girl started crying cos she was so scared and had to be taken out. Everyone else loved it though, even her dad and sister so.. there you go.

Good times :).

Oh my.. *fans self*

What does it take to have a nice, warm, sunny with maybe a few lovely fluffy clouds, no rain, but not too hot day? Huh? I mean yeah yesterday was pretty nice and we've had quite a few pretty decent days that even fell on the weekend so far this year, but just what does it take?

It seems that no sooner do you get used to the fact that it's spring/summer and hoping it will stop raining for a while and get just warm enough to hang outside for a bit, that it hits 30 bloody degrees already!

I mean not exactly, but it did that today. In June.. early June! I don't know what this means for the rest of the summer, probably nothing at all, but here we are. And despite, actually maybe because of the fact I come form a place that gets much warmer and for much more of the year, I do whine on and on about it. I'm already carrying on like it's the end of the world while most people are exclaiming on how wonderful it is and isn't this the awesomest weather ever! No, it isn't. It's to hot. I may have mentioned it already.

It's a while since I went on about the weather. On this blog I mean, not in general. Guess it was about time I posted about that again. Happy summer! (those that are experiencing summer that is)

Summer appears to have arrived.

It's June, so it should be. I know there's an official beginning of some sort but to me it's June it's summer dammit. Well, in this case it seems to work. Nothing else to say except this is what today, June 7 looks like.



Well not today June 7 but June 7 years past. 3 years ago to be precise.

And it's a good night from me.

It's not all the pies.

I've never been that much of a pie person. Never really lived in a big pie culture really. Never ate all the pies, never made pie. Is it all that easy? I don't know. I'm sure it's easy to eat a pie, provided you like the pie and you're not too full already, ie out in a restaurant where you generally get a huge meal and then get desert which I hardly ever do and it's like pie, which to be honest I don't usually see even if I pay attention to the dessert menu, but if I did I'd probably be like, I can't eat this pie I'm full.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere, exactly nowhere. Not much of a pie person, more of a beer person. I was just at a beer festival, lots of lesser known small town darker and more fruity and higher alcohol content than usual beers. I had 2. Feel like I had.. more than 2.

Lovely evening it is.

If kisses were tuna.

Do you ever, just as you're going about your day, randomly make up a song in your head, like about the cat, for instance, you toy with ideas for verses and even a bit of a bridge but so far you've really only composed the main line of the chorus, that's your song, and then get it stuck in your head and sing it over and over all day, both in your head and out loud?

Well that happened to me, actually living through it at the moment..

*mumbles something about being a happy kitty*

I'm glad you noticed.

Yes, I am setting myself a goal of writing a post every day this month. Seems to be the only way to make me bother. We'll see how long it takes before I forget about it, and further we'll see if I ever write anything that isn't filler, ie not this.

Right among it.

There's nothing like this time of year when it gets warm enough to keep the windows open, (or too warm to not, or you get distracted cooking and burn stuff so you need to open all the windows wide to let all the smoke out which is actually the case in this instance) and warm enough for people to be hanging out more at night, and travelling around and staying in the hostel across the street, and walking instead of taking the tram, and well actually since last summer they've moved the tram stop up so it's right in front of our door which is cool but it's also right under the window.

People sure do chatter a lot. And yell. And they sometimes sing, often in Spanish. You notice when you live right in the middle of it all. People coming and going, doing things, engaging with other people, having lives.. right there, under my feet. It makes me feel like I'm a part of the world, from my little station here where I write stuff, sometimes, and in general spend time doing, I don't know what, but here I do it. I'm not really though, part of the world, that is. Not usually. Occasionally I do a thing but, well, I did something last month and I reckon that's probably it for a while, although it is summer and that is when so much tends to happen that even I find myself out in it. I guess I'll see.

Let's try this again.

A brand new shiny month just started. Well sorta just, it was yesterday, and I do these resolutions, at the beginning of the month, or week, or after a birthday, or after I get back from some.. thing, or at the beginning of any arbitrary time period that I've decided on.

The resolutions are to do the stuff I should be doing, or should have well done, plus a bunch of things I'd ideally like to be doing, because of course, I haven't already done them. Well, you can tell from the need for these resolutions at this hear beginning of this month of June '14, that there is a lot that remains undone. Stuff I should have done, stuff I wanted to do, stuff I had aspirations for bla bla bla, I've gone over this numerous times, even on this very page so I won't repeat myself again. No that wasn't incorrect or redundant I was referring to the fact that I already repeated myself. Anyway, those are the things.

I will tell you know that I won't do them. None of it. I mean yeah, I'll do a few situps sometimes, and might write a bit more of that outline, and maybe I'll even look up monologues or clean the fridge or read a bit of web design tutorial but in general, I won't do any of it. Also at some point I will come here onto this blog and write about how I'm not doing it, either in general or maybe even get into specifics. That's one thing I almost certainly will do, assuming I don't completely forget about the blog again and not write at all. That is also a possibility.

*wonders if there's a single person that actually reads anymore*

What I've been getting up to.

And another thing..

Once upon a time, way back in the early hours of this month, I had a plan to expand on a point I was making then. Perhaps expand isn't exactly the right word. It's possible said plan had nothing to do with the point or points being made in the post I am referring to, the last one that I wrote on this here blog, all those weeks ago.

So proud I was of writing at length, and with some clarity (for me, anyway) about something that wasn't just pondering, whining, moaning incoherently about my life. I was writing about stuff, real stuff! Something more abstract, more universal more.. stuff.

Anyway, I was going to write again, soon, I believe the next day was the plan that sorta segued off that one. Obviously I didn't. I could do that now but I don't think I will. I still sorta remember what I was going to say, something about how, regarding the description of blogs courtesy of tv tropes, this one would be the first kind, the " narcissistic record of blogger's life". I guess I just did it then. There you go. I was hoping at the time it would finally begin to evolve into something else, instead, well not much has happened since then.

I'm doing something later but that would be talking about blogger's life, and narcissistic, and that's what I'm trying to get away from. I have some musings about it but, maybe later.

Blogging

"Blog" is a silly shorthand for "web log": a journal published on the internet.

So says TV Tropes, which are not exclusively about television, but about in general, stuff. Media to be slightly more specific.

I'm wondering what's so silly about "blog". I would find "web log" quite cumbersome if it were used at all by anyone ever and seeing as I never heard the term until I read somewhere just what "blog" actually means I reckon I'm not the only one. If one isn't going to use the term "web log" and one isn't, obviously, one might as well say blog. It's only as silly as any other shorthand one might use, and maybe even less silly. I dunno. Depends on what other shorthand you could use for "web log", which sounds nerdier the more you say it.

I remember coming across someone's 'blog, where every reference to 'blog was just like it was written there, and before that, with the apostrophe. On the side where you have the profile and stuff they explained that they always write it with the apostrophe because it's correct, as it's an abbreviation, and they always write 'phone for shortened telephone.

Or maybe it just made me think of a book where the protagonist was referring to a 'phone, because it was written in the 1880s or whenever, and back then it was a new thing. Now, of course, it's a bit silly. Much sillier than the word blog. Of course, blogs are newer than phones, but still, it's a bit OCD. I mean, he is right. People get stuff wrong all the time, and with some of it it's correct to flip out and rant on about it..  Seriously, "loose" does not mean "to misplace/to fail at something" learn that, please... some of it, on the other hand, doesn't matter, and some of it, is correct but it's stupid anyway, and you should never do it, example, accents, or diacritics in English, eg résumé, that's stupid and annoying yeah the word was once French but in this usage it's English so just write resume for fucks sake. Maybe according to some authority on a language that has evolved from, borrowed, stolen, beaten, slapped, turned inside out and remodeled other languages since day one, which is changing by the minute in this information age, might say it's correct, but I say to that person, shut the fuck up, and you should too.

Oh and using apostrophes at the beginning of a widely used word because it's an abbreviation of a longer word which is either hardly used, or not used at all anymore, and in some cases really never was, is also stupid. Don't do that.

Just popping in..

to say hi.

Hi.

Been quiet again. Same old thing nothing to write about and when there's something to write about it's something I don't really want to write about and when it's something I would like to write about it's something I don't want to share and when it's something I'm ok sharing I can't be bothered.

Pretty much that.

Easter weekend was nice, no eggs here, not much chocolate even but beer, always the beer.

Yep, it's here.

Generally it's a nice thing when spring starts showing up, it gets warmer, trees start blossoming there's green and pink and green everywhere, it's lovely. And sunshine, not only are there more sunny days, but it's sunny for longer, that's awesome.

And then it rains. Then it a blue sky breaks out almost immediately but no sooner do you get done beaming on how quickly it cleared up do dark clouds show up. You walk away from the window and when you come back the sky is black, it's windy and raindrops are falling. 

And it rains, hard. Then it stops, it clears up and is quite nice again for a while. Just a while, a short while. And before you know it rain clouds show up on the horizon again, or more like are right there in your face getting thicker and darker.

You can see where this is going. It's been that kind of day. If nothing else it at least says that the warmer season or spring/summer is here.

It might storm tonight. 

Writing.

I'm going to write about writing. Again. I know, it's getting old but it's my blog and I can write about writing if I want to.

Once upon a time I used to write much more, here, as well as a few other places but that never really got off the ground, but the blog was really working for me. A long time ago now. For years I've been updating this blog sparsely or filling it with.. filler. Well, there have been phases where I wrote a lot because I whined a lot about my personal failings, and times when stuff actually was happening and I had a lot to write about.. stuff that was going on with me. Back in the golden age that I vaguely remember existing, I wrote about.. things.. all sorts of things, can't remember what things but they were general ideas, clever takes on.. stuff, and well, whatever. I just remember it being a wider range of subjects than I'd written about before, or have since. It may not be a lot, it might still be crap and very shallow and me centered compared to any writing of quality but for me, it was good.

And I had inspiration for things. I'd lie awake at night with an idea, writing it in my head and coming up with particularly clever bits that I often forgot by the time I was able to write it down, but still, it was there. I was in the habit of writing, and coming up with ideas for subjects, which weren't all just the tedious details of my life.

I could go back and try to find this lost era, and read over what I wrote back then and possibly I'd not be able to find, because, well, it blends in with the general gist of the blog.. ie, full of me centered stuff, and if I could, then I'd find it wasn't all that good, in fact, not good at all and really full of more me centered stuff and the only reason I'd know it was from about that time is because of something I remember writing and being particularly proud of, which is actually very ordinary. This probably would be the case, so I don't think I'll do that.

I'm going to assume there was such an era, and I'd like it back please. I've tried to those days back a few times. The most recently being the month I posted every day. I thought it would jump start the writing frame of mind, and give me those ideas, late at night that I frustratingly copy down late the next day, certain that I'd forgotten the best and wittiest bits, but it never came. I wrote pretty much a full month of filler posts and since then, whenever I write, whether it's one a week or 3 or less or more, they're pretty much that.

Whatever it was, whether it was really very good at all, it might just be gone. Oh well.. tune in for more about me.. whenever.

Left out in the cold.

It seemed that quite recently, I don't know if it was a year ago, a couple of years ago or when that a lot of people still used windows xp for their operating system. I mean this came out in like.. the 90s.. I think, or the early 0s I dunno, but a long time ago in computer stuff terms and still, a large number of people, I won't say most because I don't know, wouldn't have then and now it's just a "seems like" sort of thing.

Well windows didn't really come out with anything after that for a while, I don't think. Then there was this thing called Vista (I think) well anyway this vista was coming out and they were going on and on about it what a huge deal it was. That was in, well the 0s at least, something like 6 years ago or more, I could look it up but I can't be bothered. Well anyway everybody hated it, like literally everybody, so everyone went back to XP. Again, literally everybody. And I think a lot of people have continued using it after that. Then windows came up with something else, and maybe something else after that, I don't know, Windows 7 is one of them, or it, and it's on the other comp and it seems much like xp but updated and improved (I suppose I don't really know but it isn't completely changed so it's like, another language and it isn't crappier as far as I know) and.. um, much like xp, I mean when I use that computer I notice that it runs faster and has different stuff on it, because it has more ram, more space and has different stuff on it, but I don't really notice the OS, except for the shut down thing, that's a bit weird but it's mostly ok. I guess that's when people finally started updating and XP finally began to be a thing of the past. I'm guessing here, it just seems like it.

Well I still have XP, I'm just not one of the many anymore. Not as much as I was anyway. It's worked fine for me, no problems, but as of the 8th of April this year, which I found out due to coming across something randomly somewhere about a week ago, and a popup on my computer on the 8th of April, it is no longer getting support. Thanks for the heads up, Windows. I mean, yeah you told me but.. surely you knew about this before.. um, when I first heard it, which I only did because I happened to see it, and yeah, on the actual day I got a popup but..

well anyway it's no big deal. I figure I'll be able to use it for a while, got one last update just last night as I turned off the comp and, I don't even know how it will affect this. Maybe it won't at all. Then again maybe I should update. I don't know.

And no, I really don't have anything better to write about, hence the not actually bothering to write most of the time. Ok that's not the reason, you know that's not the reason because when I don't have anything to write I quite often do anyway case in point this very post but, I've lost my train of thought. Yeah, I should update it.

Boundaries, framework, structure.

Those things are all things I need. I'm not sure they're all entirely related but that's the kind of thing I need. To be more specific, I need someone standing over me constantly with a whip, and an assurance that they'll use it. I just can't be the whip wielder myself. I'm not a self whip wielder.. except for that one time, I mean, but that was for show, and that wasn't even a real whip.

It's bad enough on a regular week. I set myself these tasks, and intend to do all sorts of stuff but not having to be somewhere at a certain time to start a shift or a tour or whatever, on pain of becoming again unemployed.... which always happens anyway with literally everything I ever begin, though being on time is something that I tend to be better at than many who tend to remain employed... then I just can't make myself do it.

A tip, read the bits in between the dots separately, and the bits outside of the dots as one sentence and I think that both bits will make sense. Not sure, but I think.

So yeah, not good at discipline. I'm generally ok if the discipline is coming from outside, but it has to be serious, like an employer, or someone coming to Prague on the weekend who shot the movie with us last year and wanting to be able to show her the final cut (or at least the 2 bits out of the 3 bits and have them done, at least edited for the first, roughest draft) even though we didn't even see her because we couldn't get in touch.. those sorts of things. If it's me saying I totally, definitely need to/want to/should get this done. I just won't. 

You know all that, assuming you ever read anything here, and if you're reading this, it's possible you do. I am useless, I don't work, I don't get things done, I flounder and start things and sometimes not even that. I look to a point in the future and think yes, that will be it, but again and again when one reads (if one was to bother to do this, which I have myself, because I'm me) through the archives, one sees that many times this has been said, and it's always the same.

At least usually I have some structure to the day. I get up, usually when Cooley makes me (this part hasn't changed actually) and then I do my stuff on the computer, mostly not stuff that counts towards anything that matters, but stuff. I putter around, sometimes I go out.. shopping, appointments of various sorts, for jobs I don't get or don't have for very long, a part in a play or a film which I may have a small chance of getting if it's a tiny role for someone 55 and particularly boring.. but otherwise I'm here. Erik gets home and we have some dinner, have some together time and I go to bed at a reasonable time because he does. Well now Erik's.. he's off in the arctic circle snowboarding at the moment, according to information. (the whole trip isn't snowboarding it's a chance to see his sister because she has a thing there so he went there for a few days but there is snowboarding nearby, but none of this is really relevant to anything so why am I rambling on about it, I don't know, why do I ramble on about absolutely everything, why am I unable to write without rambling you answer me that? is that even correct English.. answer me that? perhaps I should ask that somewhere else) and I'm here alone. 

That last bit, assuming anyone is there and is still reading, read the bits in the brackets separately from the rest or it won't make sense. I mean, it has a tiny chance of making sense if you try very hard if you don't do that, but none if you don't. Am I making sense?

I've been talking to no one but Cooley for too long. So.. here I am, leaving shit around because I won't annoy someone else if it's in the way, going to bed late and not sleeping because COOLEY WON'T LET ME WHY OH WHY DOES SHE DO THIS SO MUCH MORE WHEN ERIK ISN'T HERE WHY? And then getting up still quite early because Cooley makes me.. and then just hanging out.. I don't know what I do. I guess the same as I do when he is here, just without that structure of it being around when he gets home and stuff. 

I was going to go and sit on the hill for most of the evening, with a book and a beer, just to properly be outside not just to go from one place to another, but I think it might rain.

Penguin.

Happy April all. Hope you're enjoying this lovely Tuesday, or whatever kind of Tuesday it is wherever you are, assuming it is already/still Tuesday there which would mean you're reading this near to when posted or, alternatively on another Tuesday, otherwise, happy whatever.

It is the first of April, of course, and you know what that means.. yeah, jokes and larks and japes of all kinds. I don't have either the cleverness or the botherness to come up with anything, let alone anything worse publishing today, so instead I'll behave in a generally foolish manner, that's kind of like breathing to me so I should manage it.

*puts penguin on head*

I'm about to be alone here again, if by alone you mean myself, a noisy little furry thing and the whole world of internet people out there, but not so much actual real life contact with actual humans, for almost a week..  so we'll see if it makes me go a bit loopy. It's not for so long, but I am, as has been pointed out further up, somewhat of a natural at the "foolish" and the "silly" so..

give it a couple of days I might come up with some sort of joke, late, but on the plus side it'll be better because you won't be expecting it.

Unless of course you're reading this and are expecting it.

ow! *takes penguin off head*

Time is happening.

It's a weird thing really. A time comes and by the time it comes it's gone. It's now but before it was also now, and the future is never really here.

Oh and it can be now, but yesterday it was an hour earlier than it is now. I mean now it's an hour later than it is or was it an hour earlier than it is yesterday?

You know, stuff like that. I could go on. Actually I can't think of any more examples or I would be doing exactly that, as it is, it's time to go.

See what I did there? It's ok if you didn't notice, it wasn't very clever or humorous, if you missed it, you didn't miss anything. Later. *

*sorta did it again, but perhaps not really

When there's nothing to say..

One can enjoy the prettiness. Happy Spring world.

Well the Northern (if you look at the world the traditional way) part of it anyway.

At least those parts of that hemisphere that gets actual weather, and seasons that are not described primarily as "dry" or "wet".

Well the regions within those parts of the Northern Hemisphere that isn't too cold all year to really get much of a spring, or is having another long winter in the fashion of last yesr that they can't seem to break, and possibly haven't yet.

Think I've covered it.

The Point

Do you ever stop to wonder whether there really is one? I mean really really deep down. Sure, there's a point to the stuff you do, getting up to walk over to the fridge, you want a drink, or on a different level you go to work to pay for what you need, ie the drink in the fridge, and you go to school to be able to learn stuff, to be able to work to pay for the drink in the fridge, you hang out with your friends because it's enjoyable, have sex because.. urges, have kids because, I don't know why but people who have them seem to know why (well most of them anyway hopefully) but really, what's the point?

I would answer that but I can't. Not because I don't know the answer but because it can't be answered, not properly anyway if you're going to get technical. I suppose I could say "nothing" but I don't think that's technically correct. The answer, which is not so much an answer but a recognition that it is a flawed question is, there is no point. Really, there isn't. You live you die and what you do in between is filled with points, but ultimately, when you get down to the great mystery of the universe and all that crap, there just sin't one. The thing is though, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change anything about stuff, whether the stuff has a point to it or not.

That's what I think anyway. Carry on.

It's happening.. it's happening..

well it should be. Something anyway. It's that time of year, spring is coming, festivals are around the corner. I have all these projects, one of which I spent a tiny bit of time on yesterday outlining.. (it's actually an outline that I'm doing, but so far I've only began setting up the outline of that) and reading up more about how to actually do this, something I should have done weeks ago but..

well, if nothing else spring is coming/already here and though it's a gloomy couple of days we should get sun again and... beergarden weekend! I hope.

I really have nothing with which to fill up space on this blog, to be honest. 

Signing up.

I keep signing up for these things, these sites that are helpful in various ways, for finding work, learning website design, screenwriting, what's on in your city well not the last one but others and other stuff like those things and yeah, I skimmed over the site and thought oh I'll read that more carefully later or fill in my profile or find out what they actually mean by data entry or something like that and I give them my email and say yes to updates and offers and.. I forget about it, don't really look at the site again for reasons, either it's slightly difficult to fill in the details or the articles are like, 4 pages long and I can't be bothered right now but maybe I'll read it later but later I'm doing something else as well and anyway I've forgotten about it..

there really needs to be a page break here.. anyway, I never get around to doing the more in depth study of whatever it is, and only think about it again when I get the emails, with a new article or new positions in  my area or something of that nature, so I say.. oh yeah, that site, I should look at that properly, but I shouldn't do it now I do it later.. well, you can see where this is going. Let's just say, that cable never gets fixed.

The number of notifications seems to be growing, which makes mathematical sense if I semi regularly sign up for these things and only when I'm absolutely spammed to hell with shit from one do I go through the bother of cancelling, so there are more of them, and it's getting to the point where it just pisses me off. Every time I sign into my email there is something, but it's not an answer to an email I sent, or something from a friend, it's one of these damn impersonal links to shit I'm never going to look at, which only serves to remind me that I haven't done a fucking thing of any of the things I at some point half assedly decided I would do. This isn't a good feeling.

I'm doing it again.

That is, not doing it again. Doing it not again. Doing not it again.

Actually I'm not doing anything really, and that, is what I'm doing again. I'm saving new bookmarks, seeing new lightbulbs ie new ideas for things I could do revisiting old ideas for long enough to think I should look into that later on when I'm home and sometimes sending myself a reminder on the phone, but that's about it. All these new things and things that I began and things I thought of but never actually got around to beginning, are not progressing as I would like them to be.

I'm actually currently in the process of editing a video that was shot 6 months ago, that should have been done 2-4 months ago, and am still rather shamefully in the beginning stages of that. Well technically currently I'm writing a blog post, so perhaps I'm avoiding that. How's that for a way to make myself do things, use it as a way to procrastinate other things. Yes, I think that is the entire reason for this post, this one that's about not getting things done. It's fitting.

I should write.

I want to write. I want to be a writer, not just someone who tumbles out a log string of characters that barely come together in a coherent form that represent my rambling thoughts as I type without any clarification and no editing. You know, proper writing.

This blog will never be that, though I'd like to be, well, a more regular thing, and more varied in subject. I'd like to be able to write articles, essays, that sort of crap, stories, novels, a screenplay. Actually the last I'm doing, if by "doing" you mean, there's a plan for it that I spoke of with some people 2 weeks ago and I haven't actually started yet, but that's something which is an example of what I'd like to be able to do. Seeing as I'm, um, doing it and all. Not on my own mind you, but still.

The brain needs exercise. I know that if I got into the habit, even of writing every day and not just writing for the sake of writing but having something if not terribly meaningful, at least worthwhile in some way, I would get better. If I could get over this weird anxiety I have about.. well, everything, but specifically in this case about writing about things like news or politics, or really anything outside of my immediate experience, then I'd get good at it. I'd get into the habit of it and be able to submit an article to a magazine, about a subject, an actual subject! I'd get ideas for things to write about, I'd just get better, in general.

So I'm adding it to my list. My long list of things, these things being stuff I want to do, and actually finish, and in some way count for something. It probably isn't prudent at this point to add anything, because having new things just make me completely forget the last thing I was doing, not to mention everything else on the list, but those things get forgotten anyway,s o I might as well have another thing started, which will never get finished, or as it may be, another thing on the list which never gets any more attention than an idea that I should do it sometime. I don't even have the list written down, so that's as far as it goes.

A sporty one.

I'm not into sports, never have been, not engaging in or being a supporter of, really. Actually hated it at school, that is, the competitive team sport crap they make you do, being utterly shit at it all I had to deal with the mockery of my team mates and that's not fun at any time. I liked it when we did the what most kids (that is, most kids who didn't feel the same way as me about sports which I've seen realized is fewer than I thought) thought of as boring shit. It was boring shit, like you know, basic gymnastic stuff or exercises. No score keeping, no team to try to get as far away as possible from, just, boring, which it was but, better than the other stuff.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere really. It's just been a sporty year for me so far. Not by the standards of a sporty person, or a non not sporty person, or even a regular person (you know, one who does stuff, achieves things and all that)but I've been skating twice. Twice! And it's only March. That is the one thing I was ever good at, sporting wise, unless you count dancing which I'm sorta good at, if you don't count like, gymnastic and balletic stuff, but I liked it, went often and became good. Then I didn't do it for 10 years, and then another 15 or more. I went once for 10 minutes in the center of Prague before they closed the thing down, and finally, earlier this year I got to go skating properly. Took me a long time to get used to it again, but once I did, I reckon I was probably nearly as good as I used to be. The more recent time, at the Olympic Park they set up for the duration of the win ols (I just made that up, I'd use it but it's another 4 years before there's another one of those so) I was shaky at first, again, but it only took about 10 minutes before I was skating away.. well, before I was skating without feeling wobbly. The setup was strange, chaotic, fun, but not ideal for long stretches of skating.

Oh and I went to a hockey game yesterday. An actual stadium with sports, ice hockey I mean, in case you weren't sure, not the one they play on sand or whatever. It was interesting, not the first time I've ever seen a proper game like this, that was in Israel my last visit where our hosts were going to a basketball game so we went along. That was something very new to me so perhaps this game wasn't as much of a novelty, though quite different, but still. It was ok, quite fun, I mean, I did enjoy the lion mascot and the er.. break time, half time.. whatever you call it in a game that has 3 periods entertainment more, but still, quite liked it.
I'm not about to make a habit of going to games, or doing anything other than skating really (and dancing but that's not really under the umbrella of sports properly) and I'm certainly not going to join the beach volleyball group or engage in any bullshit fucking full of assholes team sport any time soon or ever.. but, it's slightly more than I've done.. well ever.*

 *Except for when I used to go skating all the time and was really good, and I was at school at the time so I did sports of some sort at least twice a week during school terms whether I liked it or not, and I didn't but I had to do it anyway.

Yes, I am here.

This blog does exist, after all. What is no one talking about that anymore? Ok, that all happened like, weeks ago but it's still the first thing one sees at the top of this blog, or, well, was until I wrote (am writing) this, so I thought I should mention it. So I'm here. It's March, another month has ended and I had precious little to put on the blog, funny how not much ends up on here when I don't set myself arbitrary goals. Just didn't have much to write about, and when I had something to say I just couldn't think of any particularly witty ways of putting figurative pen to metaphorical paper, and when I did come up with the doozies, the quips, the drollity etc, I just couldn't be bothered to write it down. Yeah stuff has happened, not a lot of stuff, I am me after all but there's been stuff. Didn't get at least 2 jobs, got a haircut, had 2 meetings with people about acting and film related things, went skating, some other stuff. Some of it may have been worth writing about but I didn't mention it at the time for either reasons 2 or 3, and some of it is just reason 1. Most of it is reason 1. I may flesh some of it out sometime, or not. It is possible that there may be yet other things to mention, we shall yet see.

I am not here. This blog has been removed.

I'm not here, because the blog has been removed. Yes, you heard right. Well you didn't because this isn't here as it's been removed, and you wouldn't have heard it anyway, you would have read it, if you could see it, which you can't because, as I said, the blog has been removed. Not sure how long it will take to get back, or to be seen, if in fact it's back already in which case, hi. I don't know what it was that caused the blog to be removed and for gmail to ask me to sign in and then say there was a problem and sign in again and then let me sign in to see the notifications from 3 different people that they received weird messages from my email and my blog has been removed. Well 2 people, and only one mentioned the blog, and then when I emailed another they said yeah there was something weird and the blog has been removed. Don't know what caused that, a hacker, I guess, or maybe some glitch from the powers that be. Would be nice for them to give me more deets, and to say yeah ok the problem is solved no worries anymore and btw your blog is back but no, nothing like that. Oh well, here I am, writing away on this nonexistent part of webspace, talking to no one. I'm done now, Bye.

It's gone quiet.

Well, turns out I don't really have anything to write about, and when I don't assign myself a quota.. I just don't write. It just is how it is. Some things have happened. Got strings finally, for the guitar, you know the guitar I said I got? I may have mentioned it. Well it was missing a string. Still is but I bought some strings.. different ones than the kind on it, and had no success getting it on the guitar.. well I got it on but wasn't able to tighten the string to tune it, well it didn't let me tighten it anywhere near enough before the pin popped out and the string went flying. I will succeed at this eventually, I'm just hoping it's closer to the sooner fo the possibilities because I've gotten bored with my 3 chords that I'm pretty good with by now.. and really aren't playing it much anymore.. my callouses will turn back into dainty little ladies fingers who've never seen a day's real work in their life at this pace, and I really don't want to have to go through the callousing process again. I have a kind of lead on a job, or possibly have one or a chance at one, but who ever knows these things, everyone is either coy about providing details or take their sweet as time getting back to you about things and I'm not one to count chickens, until I count chickens and then it all goes to shit. I will see, but in the mean time I'm still keeping my eye out for, stuff. My other project, you know the one with the classes or rather the meetings or rather the hanging out and being supportive group of actors is also on hiatus or more accurately dead or just never happened.. oh did I mention I wanted to do that? Well I almost did, and then I did and no one showed up, and then the other person cancelled, and then I cancelled something like that, well it never happened, yet. I'm resurrecting that idea and hope this time, or some time I try it it will work and turn into something that's really a thing. It probably won't but I still hope. Very mild winter we're having, I hardly need a hat at all.

Feeling Refreshed.

Ok so not really. I have had some time for the cobwebs to clear out and here I am again. We are now in Feb and as I predicted things are much the same as they were. Well they're slightly different but same in all the same old ways. I am better. Just about now got rid of that cough, not that I'm not coughing at all but it's not keeping me up at night, so I think it's fair to say I'm not sick anymore. Oh and all those things I started? You know those things? There were things, right? Well I stopped doing them. I think. I'm not actually all that certain I started them, whatever they were. I got a guitar. I think I mentioned that and I have been practicing. Just the same few chords over and over for now, trying to make them sound like a chord and not like some flat strumming of a guitar, but it's happening, developing callouses, next I'll get another string for the thing and I'l,l be onto tunes, I hope. I went skating the other day, that is on the ice. First time in forever, at least the first time that I actually got to stay on the ice for a while and get used to it again and skate properly and pretty fast too, it was quite fun. Must do it again before I forget how again.

Let's start again.

All these milestones I create for myself. I turn a new decade and it gives me a chance to change things, make things better, make a new start.. none of those things happen but soon after there's a new year, resolution time! So I make them, and don't do them, so then, the end of the first month of the year that we've decided for really no real reason is suck, and that's over and now it's time to.. for things to... well better. It's February now, so no more whining about Jan and making excuses for stuff, at least that excuse I'm sure there will be others. We're almost a day into the month, and so far it's been much like the lats one, strangely. Oh and it's the year of the horse now too, so, there you go. Time to stride forward and stuff. My whole "every day for a month" thing is done too, so from now on I'll be only posting when I have something to write, which will hopefully be sometimes. now off to learn some chords.. maybe