holidays, shmolidays

It's "that time of year", the time of xmas, the solstice, festivus and many more holidays too numerous to mention ranging from thousands of years old to slightly fewer thousands of years old holidays based on the older ones with slight changes to relatively new ones to considerably new ones with various levels of basing on older holidays based on still older holidays, aka "the holidays". So we got that out of the way. I'll be having a modest one which I expect I usually say. Just staying in, having a half assed, partially based on a modified version of 2, maybe 3 different traditional xmas meals, with not a whole lot of booze this time seeing as one of the parties involved doesn't drink, that said the party I just now referred to is not oneself so one may choose to indulge, perhaps, quite a bit. And that's about it. There'll be some quiet giving of a small number of modest presents, perhaps a tree or at least an artwork somehow based on a christmas tree, not my responsibility so not sure what's intended, and a kitty. yes, we have a kitty, just for christmas, it's Cecily again, if you know who she is. It's weird these holiday thingies. I always know it's not going to be a big thing but I always feel it should be done properly, with everything prepared ahead of time, trees and tinsel and engaging with other people and lots of food of a particular sort and all that goes with it, so I do nothing until the last moment, when I realize oh shit christmas is like, tomorrow and everything is going to be closed from like, yesterday so I go off in a rush to get all these things I absolutely need to get to have everything just perfect and I get like maybe, um, one of them. And that's what I'm doing now. I mean the nothing bit, not the actually kind of doing, or trying to do the stuff bit, no, it's way too early for that, there's still like 2 days left until christmas, 3 if you don't count all the days everything will already be closed, so maybe tomorrow at some point in the early afternoon I'll feel like I really should go out and, you know, stuff, but I'll decide I can't be bothered and anyway there's still another day. Then the next day I might rush around like a mad chicken and get nothing done and then the holiday will come and we'll be here, eat and watch tv like we always do which is always fine except we'll have a kitty here. and that's about it really. Merry Christmas and all that or whatever you celebrate. Hope you've got all your shopping done and everything is good.

Hanging around.

I sit and listen to the rain fall, and fall, and just go on and on and on as I enjoy the comfort of my home. It's a typical day, or is it? It's a day. It's not a particularly special day, not a terribly bad one but it's just.. just what it is. Life goes on, not terribly awful or anything, with the usual minor annoyances and worries, sometimes the worries are greater, never quite going away and every now and again rising back up to major(ish) trauma status just in case I'm ever in danger of forgetting about them completely and being reasonably comfortable. There are also some nice things, a nicer room, with furniture, and even bed coverings, the temporary visit of our sweet little Cece, but nothing spectacular, actually nothing really good. Never anything to counter the bullshit I'm always forced to face, never something that tells me yes, you will be alright, you are as good as you (when you're in one of your rare arrogant confident moods) think you are. No, just more reinforcement that I do have reason to keep that worry in the back of my mind, to never let it go. Yes, I'm whining. I know I have it better than anywhere between 50 and 80% of the world's population, no famines, no disease none of that bullshit but still, you know, fuck it, I'm not bloody satisfied with my humble lot and the fact I can't seem to be rid of these problems, relatively minor though they are, I'm sick of it, fucking sick of always worrying, always having it reinforced that I should be worrying and nothing on the horizon except for just more of it. So there! Apart from that everything's cool.

Distractions.

I know I talk a lot about these distractions. You might know too if you pay attention at all. I need them to deal with the fact that I'm an overthinker by nature and have come to the conclusion that life is utterly pointless.. There is no meaning, it just is. Now that I can deal with just fine as long as.. dum da da da da.. I don't think about it. there you go, a quandary. how does one deal with one while being the other.. yes, that's right. Get your mind on something. Put the life, universe and all that jazz to the back of your mind. Deep down, if you're going to nitpick it until it's meaningless, we all do this. People have things that may obsess them, or fill their time with joy and meaning that are, when you get down to it, ways of getting through life, warding off the idea that it's just something that goes by until it ends. Now as I said.. it's very nitpicky because if people have children and make art and save lives and go around the world feeding the poor and millions of other things that are various degree of important and that has meaning for people well then there's your meaning and that's great, but sort of, in a way, they sort of that as well. Anyway.. no such noble kinds for me. Mine are all of the beer and tv variety. In fact.. that's what they are, beer and tv. ok so maybe not exactly just that all the time, but most that or something equivalent. I'd love to divert myself with big projects.. theatre, film, helping street kids, writing, you get the general drift but I'm having trouble a) getting those sorts of roles/jobs, b) getting them started myself or with people who are trying to get those started too or c) not really all that fussed. So, it's the time wasting, useless, rather not own up I really do that kind of pursuits for me. Now, I just need it more than ever. Yes, I have this whole got to get things done thing going on, which is neither good or bad it just is, but what to do when I'm not doing those things and/or doing those things and things just don't get done or they go so slowly it's accurate enough to say it's not getting done? All I want to do is.. just not think about it. I'll leave it at that.

And now... again.

Right now, if things had gone to plan, I'd be somewhere else. I might be somewhere worse, somewhere that made me cringe, that made me cry, in fact, most likely I would be so it's just as well they didn't go to plan, but it might have worked out. That would have led to more waiting, more anxiety, more likely cringing and crying and quite possibly a situation where it all ends, actually almost certainly, knowing me. I'm not there now. Instead I'm exactly where I was.. just waiting. No longer for the one specific thing, that would be over with by now and I'd be looking back on how it all went, ready for the next step (well, assuming it went well enough for that which wasn't a definite or in fact terribly likely thing) and yeah.. I'd have a clue what's going on in my life. And here I am, still with no clue. Ok a clue, but not enough of a clue. I know certain things, things I'm blissfully and shamefully ignoring as best I can while dealing with them, to a certain degree, because letting all that in just makes it impossible for me to what needs to be done, at least I tell myself that, to give myself a better excuse than that I just don't want to think about it. I don't know, maybe it's a bit of both. Main point is, back to the drawing board, and the keyboard for something else which I tell myself is a sure thing though again, knowing me and knowing my history it's utterly foolish to think that way, in any case it's not enough so both drawing and typing are essential. If I can keep myself away from my distractions enough, I may just get something done. If the world lets me.

Housekeeping.

This is what I need to be doing. Not literally, although, I do need to be doing that as well.. either here or elsewhere for reasons, but I mean in a.. well a different sense. Cleaning up stuff or at least getting it sorted out in an orderly manner, bolded headings, put into folders, folders away in drawers that are clearly and relevantly marked. Actually finding stuff first.

Before that I need to even figure out what I need to find and what's do be done with it when that's done.. this part I've begun, well I've made an appointment to do that, sort of.

Yes, everything is a mess. I've made a proper fuckup of stuff and it's time to dig myself out of this mess.. it's a lot to do, and as I've (sort of, in a vague way) said, I'm not even at the point of starting the preliminary stages yet, but it makes me feel better that I've (in a way) done (kind of) something to get it going. So far I've met with someone. I need to meet with someone because I haven't a fucking clue what I'm doing or what needs to be done or how much mess I'm even in.. it mightn't be pleasant to get all that information but it is kind of necessary. Way overdue, but this is the time to get on it.

Then I can move on and get my life (back?) on track and move (hopefully) forward and put myself in a position where I can start thinking about beginning to do stuff that I really want to do and be and all that. Of course, I can't really wait to do that because some of it (the bits where I get myself somewhere on track not the fun or cool or meaningful bits) needs to be done right away, or at least much sooner than I have any chance of fixing the other stuff. Guess that means I'm going to be busy.

Boundaries, framework, structure.

Those things are all things I need. I'm not sure they're all entirely related but that's the kind of thing I need. To be more specific, I need someone standing over me constantly with a whip, and an assurance that they'll use it. I just can't be the whip wielder myself. I'm not a self whip wielder.. except for that one time, I mean, but that was for show, and that wasn't even a real whip.

It's bad enough on a regular week. I set myself these tasks, and intend to do all sorts of stuff but not having to be somewhere at a certain time to start a shift or a tour or whatever, on pain of becoming again unemployed.... which always happens anyway with literally everything I ever begin, though being on time is something that I tend to be better at than many who tend to remain employed... then I just can't make myself do it.

A tip, read the bits in between the dots separately, and the bits outside of the dots as one sentence and I think that both bits will make sense. Not sure, but I think.

So yeah, not good at discipline. I'm generally ok if the discipline is coming from outside, but it has to be serious, like an employer, or someone coming to Prague on the weekend who shot the movie with us last year and wanting to be able to show her the final cut (or at least the 2 bits out of the 3 bits and have them done, at least edited for the first, roughest draft) even though we didn't even see her because we couldn't get in touch.. those sorts of things. If it's me saying I totally, definitely need to/want to/should get this done. I just won't. 

You know all that, assuming you ever read anything here, and if you're reading this, it's possible you do. I am useless, I don't work, I don't get things done, I flounder and start things and sometimes not even that. I look to a point in the future and think yes, that will be it, but again and again when one reads (if one was to bother to do this, which I have myself, because I'm me) through the archives, one sees that many times this has been said, and it's always the same.

At least usually I have some structure to the day. I get up, usually when Cooley makes me (this part hasn't changed actually) and then I do my stuff on the computer, mostly not stuff that counts towards anything that matters, but stuff. I putter around, sometimes I go out.. shopping, appointments of various sorts, for jobs I don't get or don't have for very long, a part in a play or a film which I may have a small chance of getting if it's a tiny role for someone 55 and particularly boring.. but otherwise I'm here. Erik gets home and we have some dinner, have some together time and I go to bed at a reasonable time because he does. Well now Erik's.. he's off in the arctic circle snowboarding at the moment, according to information. (the whole trip isn't snowboarding it's a chance to see his sister because she has a thing there so he went there for a few days but there is snowboarding nearby, but none of this is really relevant to anything so why am I rambling on about it, I don't know, why do I ramble on about absolutely everything, why am I unable to write without rambling you answer me that? is that even correct English.. answer me that? perhaps I should ask that somewhere else) and I'm here alone. 

That last bit, assuming anyone is there and is still reading, read the bits in the brackets separately from the rest or it won't make sense. I mean, it has a tiny chance of making sense if you try very hard if you don't do that, but none if you don't. Am I making sense?

I've been talking to no one but Cooley for too long. So.. here I am, leaving shit around because I won't annoy someone else if it's in the way, going to bed late and not sleeping because COOLEY WON'T LET ME WHY OH WHY DOES SHE DO THIS SO MUCH MORE WHEN ERIK ISN'T HERE WHY? And then getting up still quite early because Cooley makes me.. and then just hanging out.. I don't know what I do. I guess the same as I do when he is here, just without that structure of it being around when he gets home and stuff. 

I was going to go and sit on the hill for most of the evening, with a book and a beer, just to properly be outside not just to go from one place to another, but I think it might rain.

Now for the next step...

It would be easier if I knew what the next step was.. there's so much still to organize and put in folders and update lists and...

scripts to be written, a backlog of stuff to be filmed which.. I'm still waiting for certain circumstances in my living condition to be changed before I do that.. I know, excuses excuses it's a poor one but it makes a difference! It makes a difference.

Ok, script writing. *wonders which thing to start with and what things do I have anyway*

I need to sort out all the things that need scripts, and I need to make a list, multiple lists, and put them in folders.

*wonders where to start with all this*

*sighs*