Sunday, February 01, 2015

And it's a goodbye..

from me. Not necessarily to anyone who will be reading this, just goodbye to this, and that, my current dwellings, other things and/or people and other sentient beings. Goodbye to my life, in a way, which I'm being unceremoniously kicked out of. Not nastily mind you, very kindly, politely and amicably, but it's going down the shitter all the same. What to do with myself now? No idea, no fucking idea.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

On it's way out.

I've had a personal battle with the month of January for the last few years here on this blog. It's due to the fact that January is generally shit, it's boring, it's grey, and just in general bleh. The past few Januaries in particular have, in fact sucked. Then February would come and honestly didn't get much better, and often specifically crappy stuff happened, and on with March, etc. So, usually things suck, whatever month it is, plus greyness.. darkness.. end of revelries etc etc etc. This January has been in that way like all others, in that it has been fucking awful. It's been different than the others as well, it's been particularly shit, and shittier than any other month, January or otherwise that I've experienced for years. Not all of it, some of it was vaguely pleasant, but it started unpleasant, stayed just plain boring for a while, got slightly interesting but really nothing all that great to be honest and then everything went to shit in a spectacular way. JMG! I say, and have said for many years, there's barely 5 hours left of it and good fucking riddance! Unfortunately, this year more than ever the transitioning of the months won't make a damn bit of difference other than to make things why yes.. even worse, so thank you, um, universe. The shit that went down wasn't the kind that flares up, is really bad for a bit, then simmers down and is kind of bad and eventually disappears.. no, it's the kind of event, a revelation that tells you this is how it is, and this is how it's going to continue to be.. and actually later on it's going to be more like this. And starting tomorrow, in February, it's going to be more like this. And this, I completely fucking hate. It has been opined that it is a good thing, and I suppose in a way it is, but's the kind of good that's good for you rather than, you know, good.. sort of like broccoli, except I really like broccoli so it's not a very good example, more like, studying, exercise, doing taxes and sorting out bills. Things that I put off, and most of the time just don't plain do. When it can't be avoided, I ignore the reality that they exist for as long as I can. this is exactly what I'm trying to do now, but it's hard when reminders are being thrust into your face as you go along in your usual daily distractions, and there's that nagging feeling that you really should be doing stuff to get ready for this eventuality. So yeah.. um, JMG, and whatever.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Changing. And Waiting

There's always a point, when an unwelcome, inevitable change is on the horizon where you (and by "you" I mean me, and most likely, due to the law of averages, many other people out there on earth) just want to get on with it and have it done. I personally like to wish it to be some point in the future that allows enough time to have gone by for this whole messy transition bit to be over, plus allowances for adjustment. And then you get there, to that point, and this is it, the very unwelcome change that is going to happen, whether you like it or not, past which you need to get, the sooner the better, to get on with the next stage and.. it's just, the end. And end of something you don't want to say goodbye to. All that relief,, that tiny bit of curiosity, maybe even excitement for a new future.. all gone. Well mostly gone. It's particularly fun when you're kind of near the end of some of the several stages to this whole thing and you get to enjoy the grief at losing what you hold dear along with the frustration of everything taking so fucking long still. Yeah, it's all a big load of fucking fun.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Distractions.

I know I talk a lot about these distractions. You might know too if you pay attention at all. I need them to deal with the fact that I'm an overthinker by nature and have come to the conclusion that life is utterly pointless.. There is no meaning, it just is. Now that I can deal with just fine as long as.. dum da da da da.. I don't think about it. there you go, a quandary. how does one deal with one while being the other.. yes, that's right. Get your mind on something. Put the life, universe and all that jazz to the back of your mind. Deep down, if you're going to nitpick it until it's meaningless, we all do this. People have things that may obsess them, or fill their time with joy and meaning that are, when you get down to it, ways of getting through life, warding off the idea that it's just something that goes by until it ends. Now as I said.. it's very nitpicky because if people have children and make art and save lives and go around the world feeding the poor and millions of other things that are various degree of important and that has meaning for people well then there's your meaning and that's great, but sort of, in a way, they sort of that as well. Anyway.. no such noble kinds for me. Mine are all of the beer and tv variety. In fact.. that's what they are, beer and tv. ok so maybe not exactly just that all the time, but most that or something equivalent. I'd love to divert myself with big projects.. theatre, film, helping street kids, writing, you get the general drift but I'm having trouble a) getting those sorts of roles/jobs, b) getting them started myself or with people who are trying to get those started too or c) not really all that fussed. So, it's the time wasting, useless, rather not own up I really do that kind of pursuits for me. Now, I just need it more than ever. Yes, I have this whole got to get things done thing going on, which is neither good or bad it just is, but what to do when I'm not doing those things and/or doing those things and things just don't get done or they go so slowly it's accurate enough to say it's not getting done? All I want to do is.. just not think about it. I'll leave it at that.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Every day is like Sunday.

And Sundays suck. They're slow, dull, always grey, sometimes rain. You're all alone and hardly anyone's about, you know those people who update blogs, comment on stuff and joke around online, the people who are the only people left, because you'r all alone, they're just not there. Out doing stuff in this "real world" I keep hearing about, I guess. And having the day off work doesn't matter because I don't work anyway. Today is Sunday, today's like that. I'm here, it's dreary and I'm all alone. Typical Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday. Most people don't like Mondays. It's the beginning of a long work week, and most people work. At least I think most people do, decent people, people who are worth something do. I don't really have that relationship with Mondays, though I always felt the difference, having someone who is a decent person and goes back to work then. It was weekend over for everyone here so I guess I got a little bit of it. Not sure if I feel that anymore. I don't like them though, they're just like Sundays, just a whole lot of pointless pointlessness, being alone and it's all grey, all day. And if it isn't it might as well be. Did I happen to mention things kind of suck?

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Posting a pic..

because it's something to put here. Me and um... This is me.. surprise surprise ;) by some graf/art whatever you want to call it if you're being nitpicky, by the Danube in Vienna.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

And now... again.

Right now, if things had gone to plan, I'd be somewhere else. I might be somewhere worse, somewhere that made me cringe, that made me cry, in fact, most likely I would be so it's just as well they didn't go to plan, but it might have worked out. That would have led to more waiting, more anxiety, more likely cringing and crying and quite possibly a situation where it all ends, actually almost certainly, knowing me. I'm not there now. Instead I'm exactly where I was.. just waiting. No longer for the one specific thing, that would be over with by now and I'd be looking back on how it all went, ready for the next step (well, assuming it went well enough for that which wasn't a definite or in fact terribly likely thing) and yeah.. I'd have a clue what's going on in my life. And here I am, still with no clue. Ok a clue, but not enough of a clue. I know certain things, things I'm blissfully and shamefully ignoring as best I can while dealing with them, to a certain degree, because letting all that in just makes it impossible for me to what needs to be done, at least I tell myself that, to give myself a better excuse than that I just don't want to think about it. I don't know, maybe it's a bit of both. Main point is, back to the drawing board, and the keyboard for something else which I tell myself is a sure thing though again, knowing me and knowing my history it's utterly foolish to think that way, in any case it's not enough so both drawing and typing are essential. If I can keep myself away from my distractions enough, I may just get something done. If the world lets me.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Limbo..

or Purgatory. I feel like I've done this before, like, exactly this same title and first line before. I probably have, I have a tendency to write things and forget completely about it and repeat the same thing again as if I've just had this new brilliant insight, I think. Well anyway.. I'm in this.. metaphorical halfway house, which I think I may have brought up as well, before and possibly in fact when I wrote this title and first line before, but I'm less sure about that.. so I'm in this in between thing. I won't go into details but I just am. It was really bad at first then it was between really bad and not so bad as circumstances allow me to ignore it and/or numb the reality for most of the time and now it's just.. I don't know.. I just don't really feel anything. Or I do but only the stuff that doesn't bother me so much. So yeah.. I'm just waiting for things to get on with it. I've done stuff. Actually went out, took the bull by the horns all that bullshit, did what I had to, and should be continuing to do, but as is my usual habit when something is on the horizon I act like I'm going to get to said horizon so I don't need to keep doing that so note to self, keep doing that, and well so this stuff, it's happening it's leading to stuff.. it's just leading really slowly.. too slowly for me, and I don't know where I'm at right now because I don't know where I'm going to be at you see what I mean? You don't, I'm sure of it, point is it's annoying. Today I had something scheduled. Something that was a big deal for me, something I stressed over and looked forward to being over and done with, which I would be right now, because however it would turn out, whether it would be great, just ok, or a total cockup, I'd at least have done that, and I'd know more about what's going to happen. Of course, it didn't happen.. somebody somewhere got confused and someone else was already there and that would have been too many cooks, so to speak, though we aren't cooks, but I had to turn around and go home, scheduled to go back later in the week. After having a coffee. So here I am, still wherever it is I am, not quite how how I feel about it or about anything.