it's another month yet again, the last o' the year I thought I'd sign in. Being a lady of leisure these days, ie between jobs ie unemployed I have plenty of time to write so I've no excuse, except I couldn't be bothered, so here's a picture instead. I consider it sorta seasonal.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
So I managed to do one thing this year. Among all the others of course but none of that matters, the thing that matters is I was in a movie. You don't see me, really, and barely hear my voice, but I was in it. At least one, and now I can look forward to the next year and hope there are more and dammit there better be a fucking load more!!! Anyway, done, chickens hatched and counted, recovering (slowly) from a flu (grrr) that's put me out of commission and unable to go to work (yay, sorta) for a few days. This is me as I appear in the film.
Tuesday, November 08, 2016
but I am, a little bit. So, my acting "career" has pretty much dried up before I even started it, and I haven't done anything, I mean not a damn thing, not a minute in some friend's practice scene or a bit of improvised street theatre or a goofy cabaret act in some bar or a 42 second long self made self acted self shot film or a voiceover for a teaching video or a fuzzy blip in the background of an ad for flannel rags or a non speaking background role in an indescribable piece of theatre with over 50 cast members or a wife in a student film... nothing. I was in despair that I wouldn't act in a single thing this year, and that was vexing, very very vexing. Oh I got offers. Like, 2, both for the mother and the wife respectively. I don't mean a character with a story that does stuff who happens to be a wife or a mother, or even "a" wife or "a" mother, it was for "the" mother/wife. Both very small roles and both cast as about my age. Why would someone cast me as someone my own age!!! I look younger.. I swear I do, everyone tells me I do... I do I do I do!!!! anyway.. both of them were for like, the next week and obviously days I was working at my ob which I've quit but still have because I work almost every day of the week at this job and the likelihood of them happening to be shooting on my day off was small. I mean, I'd like to be in a position where I'd calmly turn down a tiny non speaking role of the mother of the person who is the person who has a story in the film and be confident that I've moved on from that sort of thing and can do better but.. as I said, done nothing for ages, so I would have accepted them, except, finding someone to cover you for a tour that hardly anyone at the company does.. not easy. So, no go. Anyway now I'm in one, next week. It's for a mother but it seems like it's more "a" mother than "the" mother, age unspecified, and they contacted me in enough time to request those days off, so I'm in it. So.. that's it, if nothing else happens between now and December 31, I've at least been in one this year. Of course, haven't done it yet so perhaps I'll have to return those chickens yet. Will let know.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
I just made a big change. Thing is, I'm not sure it's going to take, exactly. Time will tell. I made this change, I'd like to say triumphantly but seeing as it's due to me failing at life yet again, I'm not sure I can claim that. Again, time will tell. Yes, yet again I've fucked up, or not so fucked up, fucking up has a kind of art to it, people who are fabulously disastrous, people with great highs and lows, people you notice that have a weird and wonderful if sometimes difficult life. What I've done is just amble along, not being good enough and sinking down to generally just below average in a totally not worth writing home about boring manner. It's what I always do. And here I am. So I tried to take control of the situation, allowing me to keep a tiny semblance of pride. Perhaps it's a bad idea, in fact, I know it's a bad idea, but not doing this is also a bad idea and which one is a worse I have no idea, so I chose to do what I damn well felt like, and I don't know if it worked. I even fucking fail at fucking quitting, how does one manage that? The near future should let me know more of what my greater future will behold, but as for now I have to wait until they let me know.
Monday, September 26, 2016
And then it stopped. Of course, during the time it was good I was too busy being unhappy about other not good things, or the lack of other good things to appreciate how good it was. Now I do, but I don't have it. It's just typical. It was almost unfair how good a deal I had, for a little while. I mean it's overall fair because as I mentioned earlier on and go on and on about at length, there is a lot that is shitty for me and much lacking, so I reckon for once I deserve a good deal. Well I had it. Maybe not for too long but I had it. Guess that's it for me, that's all the luck dried up. All downhill from here.
Friday, August 26, 2016
It's true. I literally never write anything ever, anymore. This is however, typical of the times. I never do anything anymore, even the stuff I never really did before, at any point. I don't do any acting anymore, not entirely through choice but partially through laziness. I don't take photos anymore, not good ones anyway, and not often. I don't go out anymore, I don't travel anymore I don't even drink anymore. I don't do anything. Do you know what I do do? Well I already told you, it's nothing, but mostly I just work. And watch tv, read stuff on the internet and.. that's about it. I think it's pretty much it for me from now on.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
I sit and listen to the rain fall, and fall, and just go on and on and on as I enjoy the comfort of my home. It's a typical day, or is it? It's a day. It's not a particularly special day, not a terribly bad one but it's just.. just what it is. Life goes on, not terribly awful or anything, with the usual minor annoyances and worries, sometimes the worries are greater, never quite going away and every now and again rising back up to major(ish) trauma status just in case I'm ever in danger of forgetting about them completely and being reasonably comfortable. There are also some nice things, a nicer room, with furniture, and even bed coverings, the temporary visit of our sweet little Cece, but nothing spectacular, actually nothing really good. Never anything to counter the bullshit I'm always forced to face, never something that tells me yes, you will be alright, you are as good as you (when you're in one of your rare arrogant confident moods) think you are. No, just more reinforcement that I do have reason to keep that worry in the back of my mind, to never let it go. Yes, I'm whining. I know I have it better than anywhere between 50 and 80% of the world's population, no famines, no disease none of that bullshit but still, you know, fuck it, I'm not bloody satisfied with my humble lot and the fact I can't seem to be rid of these problems, relatively minor though they are, I'm sick of it, fucking sick of always worrying, always having it reinforced that I should be worrying and nothing on the horizon except for just more of it. So there! Apart from that everything's cool.