So turns out it's clear I don't actually like my job or work in general at all, not that that was ever a possibility. I wish I had more to write but I can't be bothered to delve into the depth of whatsit to come up with something, so I'm juts babbling on. I had a problem with the computer for 2 days but I seem to have fixed it by one of the may things I did that seemed like a remedy or it just got over whatever it was that was causing it, seems just fine now. At least, as fine as it was. I suppose I should rummage through the attic to find something.. maybe I will.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
I'm starting to really not like not having anything to do. I don't mean in a "I'm bored" whine that you do all the time when you're a kid or adolescent or young adult or still considerably older person than that if you're that kind of person which I am, and it is something I do, but I mean more like a.. I actually think I prefer days that I have to work. Now I'm not saying I like work, or my job. I still hate having to go in, still get nervous about doing it, and bitch to myself quietly while half heartedly trying to plaster a smile over my face while I'm waiting for people. I do sometimes actually enjoy it all, or at least not mind it so much while I'm doing it, but that has been the case all along, I don't like it more or less than I ever have, but this particular thing, is something else. It definitely has to do with a lack of motivation. I don't seem to get anything done on days off. Things I need to do, practical things I feel I should be doing to improve things and stuff I would really like to be the sort of person who engages in, you know, like music and stuff. I never get that shit done. There's more though. I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't just not get around to doing what I should do, I never seem to do what I really want to do either. now, sometimes, it's convenience or cost that is the problem, and that could be the case, but I just don't know. The biggest deal is that I just don't know what I really want. Small things yes.. to be on the computer reading, replying, watching things, reading about the things I watched, getting a snack. I like those things and I usually manage to do some of those things, but the bigger stuff. That's my problem. What is this all for? Why am I even here, where am I going? Do I even like it here and is there something to look forward to? I could work on that thing, but what the fuck is it? There really isn't a point is there? I should just work on being at peace with that and maybe I'll be ok. For the moment, snacks and tv are just going to have to do.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
I do. When I do I'm usually somewhat surprised at things. Not surprised so much as amazed, startled or taken aback. No, those are just the thesaurus entries. Definitely not inattentive, struck, or blutterbunged. Nor anoetic whatever that means. Maybe anoetic, I don't really know what it means so maybe that's it. What it is is a feeling that I don't really belong in my life. Like it's not really what is happening. No, that's not it either. I look at where I am and I ask "what are you doing here?" And the answer is, not much really. How did I get here is a more relevant question. I know the answer, again, not much, I just got here. I usually don't stop to think about it. Even though my life is not necessarily all that eventful and not at all exciting, I still have enough distractions around that I don't stop and philosophize all that much so these thoughts never get too deep, hence the lack of being able to define it all. I'm not sure I really want to delve deeper, I'm reasonably content with how things are and what the near future is likely to bring if I don't think about it much, and though the realistic outlook is not a particularly bad one, or at all a bad one, I still prefer to keep it all fuzzy. I'm used to fuzziness, it helps me get through it all. Now there's a word, fuzzy. Easy to say, sounds funny and did not take me more than half a second to come up with the perfect word.
Sunday, July 05, 2015
There are places to live that work with summer, or rather, quite hot to really hot weather, or at least are more suited to the weather that is described by most to be "too hot"... this is not one of them. Having no sea, and fewer swimming options than many city/countries/areas and a not short (at least when it's 30+ degrees) walk to the nearest cool-ish area, let alone place where one can get in water, is more than typically unsuited to this sort of weather ie the weather we are experiencing now. oh and.. tour guiding.. in this weather? Not exactly a whole lot of fun. *fans self and stuff*
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Friday, June 26, 2015
This whole ignoring stuff I just want to go away seems to be working out for me. I've managed to keep something back there wherever it is for about 2 weeks now, and nary a moment a day do I briefly worry about it. Of course, new shit keeps coming up and I unfortunately am forced to be privy to and that does vex me, at least at first I have a rather poor reaction to things, but, in time, if I'm lucky I'm able to vanish the thought, and continue on in my not great, not even really good but ok in some ways way, without too much crap at the forefront. I think I'll continue doing this. It would be nice for something actually actively good to happen as well.. still waiting for one of those. That's really all.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
I was sort of intending on making this a regular thing, you know, the updating of the blog, even of trying to post every day per a suggestion I had, but I forgot. Sorry. I haven't even been working that much this week, that one week of getting up off my ass and trudging around day after day hard at work in a semi-regular manner was an anomaly. I just forgot, and then I couldn't be bothered. So here I am, updating. Been ok I guess. Well it's kind of sucked but I've decided to ignore for the most part the thing that showed up that made things go from not too bad just lacking in anything particularly positive to actively sucking, for the most part. At some point I'm going to have to face it and find out that despite everyone's insistence that it's not that big a deal and I have ways of dealing with it and this one person had something similar and they went to this place and said this and that and it was ok, I will have to deal with the worst case scenario that this situation can bring, and that will suck, heavily. Until then I plan to choose to believe that it doesn't exist, or at least behave as if it doesn't and just have that foreboding feeling at the back of my head, squished firmly back there where it belongs. It's almost midsummer, which is nice, but it is kind of overcast and potentially rainy, which slightly spoils it.
Tuesday, June 09, 2015
I've just done like, 6 days in a row, and 2 of them sick! *feels all proud and stuff* *coughs* Best thing about it, apart from the actual being sick bit, is now I have some days off.. ooh luxury. Of course, I need to spend the majority of the time learning a new script that I need under my proverbial belt by Friday, which I won't, but I have to, but still, after getting 2 large groups the last 2 days, exactly when I was feeling light headed and woozy and really didn't need that, it'll be good to not have to leave the house and engage with real live people for a while. Now that's luxury. Maybe I'm in the wrong profession :/