Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I'm still here.

If by "here" you mean merely existing, being something that is here, and is technically alive. More than that, I can't promise. I do exist, but the existence is nothing special. I am a person, but I'm not a particularly er, persony one. I'm not doing anything. I literally spend all of my time doing a job that is increasingly annoying to me and any preparations for doing said job, and distracting my self with various cheap, indeed free thanks to our modern multimedia world, entertainments. And shopping for basic stuff, and that's it. And sleeping. Occasionally drinking beer, usually home because I rarely ever go to bars to waste time anymore. I'm not all that sure I exist sometimes. I mean, why would I bother, really?

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Dammit weather gods!

You know how when it's really really hot like 35 degrees plus every single day or whatever equivalent it takes for you to start whining and I mean constantly about how hot it is and you just at that particular time when there's a heat wave you are required to go out in it for long periods every day, like way more than you usually do in more temperate weather and it starts weakening you, literally making you weaker, and dumber so that you forget um.. words and stuff, and it keeps seeming like it's going to storm any minute and you just can't wait and the forecast says it's going to rain and get cooler but it doesn't, it just doesn't, repeatedly and there you are just out in it getting sun burnt and sun struck and then finally, it storms. And then it keeps raining and at first you're out in it and you're like oh this is wonderful, so refreshing I love this, I don't understand why I ever complained about the rain, ad then it keeps raining, and raining, and continues to rain. And then you're over it. Well I'm over it now.

Sunday, August 16, 2015


It's been hot here. You might have experienced something similar to what I have been experiencing if you live anywhere relatively near me, if we're talking a world wide scale. Fucking hot. Oh, and it's the week I've had to work more than usual, you know, work, which for me means walking around outside taking groups which range from kinda small to huge to places which rarely have shade and are not often very near drinkable water to tell them in an informative and entertaining way facts about those places and the buildings and monuments in them along with history and stories related to them. Two of those a day, in fact. Now it's cooled down. I am happy about that.

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Finding Strength.

I've just discovered a new gimmick for myself, one that I already know which will have no positive consequences. Something I'm doing this very evening in fact, entirely because I can't be bothered to do something. This thing is no big deal really, nothing too arduous, nothing that takes too long, but that takes the tiniest bit of effort. I have decided I'm not doing it. I tell myself I'm choosing to not do it because I want to do better things, get to work on moving up from this status finally, after telling myself this for years, and that I will spend the time doing something that is productive. The second one is definitely not true. I'm not doing anything productive at least not the thing I told myself I would do if I didn't do the other thing. The first one remains to be seen, but either way it's something I can do whether I did this tonight or not and something I should have done ages ago. The likelihood that I will make strides to do this in a major way any time soon is negligible, nay, almost entirely unlikely. I could convince myself that my motives are noble, but I'm pretty good at seeing through bullshit, there's no point in bothering.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

A picture of a peacock

White peacock.. that's what this is

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Ho hum.

So turns out it's clear I don't actually like my job or work in general at all, not that that was ever a possibility. I wish I had more to write but I can't be bothered to delve into the depth of whatsit to come up with something, so I'm juts babbling on. I had a problem with the computer for 2 days but I seem to have fixed it by one of the may things I did that seemed like a remedy or it just got over whatever it was that was causing it, seems just fine now. At least, as fine as it was. I suppose I should rummage through the attic to find something.. maybe I will.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Could it be?

I'm starting to really not like not having anything to do. I don't mean in a "I'm bored" whine that you do all the time when you're a kid or adolescent or young adult or still considerably older person than that if you're that kind of person which I am, and it is something I do, but I mean more like a.. I actually think I prefer days that I have to work. Now I'm not saying I like work, or my job. I still hate having to go in, still get nervous about doing it, and bitch to myself quietly while half heartedly trying to plaster a smile over my face while I'm waiting for people. I do sometimes actually enjoy it all, or at least not mind it so much while I'm doing it, but that has been the case all along, I don't like it more or less than I ever have, but this particular thing, is something else. It definitely has to do with a lack of motivation. I don't seem to get anything done on days off. Things I need to do, practical things I feel I should be doing to improve things and stuff I would really like to be the sort of person who engages in, you know, like music and stuff. I never get that shit done. There's more though. I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't just not get around to doing what I should do, I never seem to do what I really want to do either. now, sometimes, it's convenience or cost that is the problem, and that could be the case, but I just don't know. The biggest deal is that I just don't know what I really want. Small things yes.. to be on the computer reading, replying, watching things, reading about the things I watched, getting a snack. I like those things and I usually manage to do some of those things, but the bigger stuff. That's my problem. What is this all for? Why am I even here, where am I going? Do I even like it here and is there something to look forward to? I could work on that thing, but what the fuck is it? There really isn't a point is there? I should just work on being at peace with that and maybe I'll be ok. For the moment, snacks and tv are just going to have to do.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I stop and think sometimes.

I do. When I do I'm usually somewhat surprised at things. Not surprised so much as amazed, startled or taken aback. No, those are just the thesaurus entries. Definitely not inattentive, struck, or blutterbunged. Nor anoetic whatever that means. Maybe anoetic, I don't really know what it means so maybe that's it. What it is is a feeling that I don't really belong in my life. Like it's not really what is happening. No, that's not it either. I look at where I am and I ask "what are you doing here?" And the answer is, not much really. How did I get here is a more relevant question. I know the answer, again, not much, I just got here. I usually don't stop to think about it. Even though my life is not necessarily all that eventful and not at all exciting, I still have enough distractions around that I don't stop and philosophize all that much so these thoughts never get too deep, hence the lack of being able to define it all. I'm not sure I really want to delve deeper, I'm reasonably content with how things are and what the near future is likely to bring if I don't think about it much, and though the realistic outlook is not a particularly bad one, or at all a bad one, I still prefer to keep it all fuzzy. I'm used to fuzziness, it helps me get through it all. Now there's a word, fuzzy. Easy to say, sounds funny and did not take me more than half a second to come up with the perfect word.