Saturday, September 16, 2017

Being Poorly

I have been rather poorly of late. Not to excuse the lack of posting, that's just because I have nothing to write. I still have nothing to write but nevertheless I've decided it's time to tap away at the keyboard again. I have been unwell, mildly, for a short while and I did not/do not like it. Not one bit. I did manage to actually work during a bit of it for which I should be sorta proud but really am nothing in particular about. I'm getting over it, but whether I'll get through the more psychological malady that's gone along with it, that remains to be seen.

Perhaps it's because it gives me too much time to dwell, and combined with feeling physically shitty it just makes everything seem so bad, maybe it's because things just are that shitty, but I've been wallowing, and whiny, and.. stuff like that. Yes, things are less than spectacular. Let's put it into perspective, these are all entirely first world problems, and of a particularly whiny wallowy person, so nought to get worried about, but being as it's me that's wallowing and whining, it does bother me.

Things are back to, square one I guess. It keeps happening but I thought for a while things were happening, well things were happening, but I thought that some would continue to happen and/or lead to other things and all the things combined would make a, if not amazing but at least pretty good bunch of things. Well none of those things lead to anything, and now there's nothing. I'm more than getting tired of this development. Further than that, I'm not proud of the way I deal with it. It's bad enough to be a failure at everything I want to do, even worse to be the sort of person who just can't deal with it. I am very much the kind of person who just can't fucking deal with it, and wallows, and whines... etc etc.

So this is bothering me. And the things that made me deal with the stuff poorly remains a problem. And after an actually quite pleasant evening last night which broke up the whining and wallowing, during which I oh so extravagantly had a bit of wine, I've had an awful splitting headache all day, which doesn't exactly help with the project (not that I've begun one, or even considered thinking about beginning one) to get myself out of my slump and become more-ish like the person I would rather be, or less like the person I am, to an at least reasonable degree. So there, that's been my couple of days.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

I got nothin

Still not sure what's happening here. Coasting along quite comfortably in this domicile until, well that I don't know.

Things have slowed down. From what, I hear you shout, stuff, I say, stuff. I had a few things going on and a few things that looked like they would become things, and a thing that was a positive thing whether it turned out to be anything or not. Now the stuff seems to have stopped (maybe there will be stuff but at the moment I have nothing scheduled). Things that didn't turn into anything and the thing that was a positive thing whether it worked out or not, isn't really anything, turns out, I really wanted that thing.

But, there's always more out there, more opportunities, more small achievements and the tiny promise that one day there will be something bigger, that will inevitably not become anything but as long as I can delude myself that it might just one day work out I guess everything is tolerable.

And there are kitties, of course.

Monday, August 28, 2017

It's been..

It just has. I can't say good or bad or exciting or slow or exquisite because it hasn't, and it has. It's just been.

I seem to be still doing stuff, occasionally, semi regularly. I'm mostly doing the stuff that leads to stuff, only thing is, in my experience, the stuff never happens. Some stuff has, and some stuff will, but the stuff, the real stuff, never seems to pan out. But we'll see. Maybe this will be the month of stuff. Or perhaps next month, it's almost next month I can live with that.

So I'm working a bit, when I can. I go to actual castings well I went to one and I feel like I'm jinxing by mentioning it because it's taken this long to even get one for something real with a line and sort of appointment, but I want it to become a more regular thing, and ultimately, the stuff I want is the stuff it leads to.

Other stuff, well, I've had a long term sporadic correspondence with a person who I finally met the other day and we spoke together in a language that is both our second and I'm not sure if everything was clear, or what the job really is, or when it's supposed to start or if anything is ever going to come of it but that's a thing too, it might actually become a real thing. I won't hold my breath though, I've been much further along in something after having put in weeks and work and study that's not led to anything more, actually that's the story of this year so far so like everything we'll see.

Still hanging on here, still got power on, somehow. That's something.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Still living in cat land..

Kittens are getting bigger, stronger, more confident, more yellow/amber eyed and as adorable as ever. Sometimes they like to knock flower pots over. Here's one being calm and well behaved.

jungle cat

Saturday, August 12, 2017

An appearance

I thought I'd show up here again just to say something... "something" That's all I really have to say for now, going through one of those periods. It's not exactly writer's block, more a writer's, um, what's the word? I guess it's a block, at least a lack of imagination regarding ways to turn what I'm experiencing and feeling into a semi coherent narrative with a catch or a hook or whatever you call it without actually telling anyone anything of detail. Or maybe I just did. So, in case you were wondering and perhaps there is a sole soul out there who does, the situation I wrote about in my previous posting has not changed. I'm still waiting, whenever I make a point to think about it which I don't. I'm living a weird mix of doomed and a charmed life. At some point this will change, but fortunately I have plenty of distractions to help me not dwell it, I've got my shows, four cats and have even been known to go out to an establishment more than once this month, so it's cool. That's all. I guess it was sort of something, whatever it is.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

A river in Egypt

I don't consider myself a very grown up person. Usually I try to put a positive spin on it, convince myself that I'm fun loving, youthful and all that, but I'm also immature in the less positive ways. I'm not responsible, at all. I don't really think about this too much, most of the time, but I'm aware. As far as my immaturity level goes I'd figure it's nothing unusual for a young-ish (ie under 60 or 70 or whatever age is still considerably higher than mine) in this day and age but when I get to thinking about it, as I am then I realize that's not true. I'm a fucking child. I'm incapable of behaving in a responsible manner, even a little bit responsible. Oh I have my moments. When by a random stroke of luck I get some job that the universe lets me hold on to for a bit I tend to show up and do what I'm told, and I buy food and supplies when there's a regular cash flow, ie when I have the aforementioned inexplicable sort of lasting employment, and I wash dishes. Sort of regularly at least when there's hot running water. That's about it. If it gets a bit hard to get look for/get/keep a job, it doesn't happen. If there are papers to deal with, bills growing, official shit to sort out I ignore it. I can't face shit like that. And if there's something looming on the horizon that's inevitable and completely and utterly fucked and the only way to fix or at least minimize the damage is to face it, work and do something about it, well I don't. I stay out of it, keeping myself in the dark until the last minute, hoping that what I sort of know is true isn't really true and something magical at the last minute will happen to save me. Well it's the last minute. Or near the last minute I don't really know. That's how irresponsible I am. Yeah, don't know what my future holds but as far as I know it's happening soon. Like 3 days, one day, like I said I don't know. I'd ask and be sure but who wants that?

Sunday, July 23, 2017

and just because there aren't enough of them around here..

kittens

kittens! all 3 of the little destroyers.. I mean darlings

I'm a hard working...

something.

Some might say bullshit artist but that would be incorrect. I'm utterly um. what was that, just got distracted by some cat destruction. Fortunately all kitties are ok there's just a huge mess and breakages regarding some plants in the kitchen.

Anyway, I'm utterly hopeless at being duplicitous and shit. It's not that I'm terribly honest or anything, I'm just not that clever.

I have been acting. Today I was particularly hard working or at least working for many hours. Waking at the ungodly hour of 6am to get to the set and sweating through hours of mostly waiting around but also some dialogue and being smacked hard and grabbing balls and smoking. Then I got to spend almost an hour in various parts of the building as the director got caught up in some adventure trying to get money or whatever. One of them buildings where you need the key for everything, whatever. At least I didn't need to pee in a bottle like I did the other day when I got stuck in an elevator. That didn't really happen that was for a movie too.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a guy, for some film, bringing some clothes for outfits and doing, not sure what, but at least my call is for the civilized hour of 1400.

After that I'm back to being a hard working nothing. This never seems to last very long.