the fucking quagmire that i just can't ever seem to get completely out of. As as soon as it looks like I might just be edging out, there I slip back again. Why oh why oh why oh why does everyone never communicate with you properly or in a timely fashion or go and change the rules on you mid plan and completely fuck you up? Why? Seriously, not rhetorical, I want to know. More importantly I want to know how to stop it, and more importantly how to get out of this mess that is due entirely to people fucking me around in one way or another, at least 15% of it, definitely. Here I am again, wondering just what the fuck I am to do and what's to become of me. I am in a state of permanent doomdom. It's getting very tiresome.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
but still, something that I needed, or at least wanted. At the very least though the past few days could end up being the cause of various disasters from ill health to.. general catastrophe, it was fun. And at the same time.. all is still the same, no idea if this is all going to be ok, the time is getting closer and I have no idea if I'm going to survive. Nothing to compare, nothing to estimate, just people who won't get in contact. Just waiting, as always.
Monday, February 09, 2015
a miracle must happen. Truly, I am. I mean, I'm not necessarily a bad girl, not in the good way anyway. I have good qualities, I have, for instance, all the correct opinions on everything. I tend to fail on the living one's belief's part, as I'm somewhat selfish, and quite lazy, but wanting everything to be happy and rosy counts for something, surely. And sure, I have flaws, tons of them, but they're more the being rather pathetic and useless kinds rather than mean and evil kinds, so I'm at least good-ish. Sorta. Well, a miracle would be nice all the same. At least some good luck. Ok I'll take a decent opportunity that doesn't take too much courage or in fact effort to take advantage of. Ok, a short run of no further bullshit, at least not the really bad stuff. Deal?
Sunday, February 08, 2015
I've kind of settled into a way of doing things here. Not so different from the old way of doing things. The surroundings are a little less salubrious, the other human presence is always there but rarely seen, and there's no furry friend always around. I've seen a lot of depots, at the end of the tram lines during times I'm trying to avoid something by doing something which never works out as doing anything because I just get preoccupied and can't concentrate. I'm making slow progress in, stuff, and it's and more problems keep coming up to make things more stressful which I can't do a damn thing about.. no difference there then. Apart from one morning sitting in a cold corridor for 2 hours because of key issues and a day on a set wearing a heavy sack coat that literally dragged me down and gave me a bad back, that's about it. Any dreams of forging out a new exciting life for myself in the shadow of disaster.. are going to have to be worked on.
Wednesday, February 04, 2015
to get a proper coffee around here! I've been here a few days now, I've still got stuff in bags that I don't even know I have, and stuff that I know I have and would like among it all, but it's better. I have all the bags to one side and at least for the most part there isn't debris on the floor. After 3 days of moving, mess, hangover, slowly pieces of my life start to come together, I get the computer hooked up, I go shopping for essentials like shampoo, food, coffee, milk, I push the bags around a bit so it all looks better, and finally, this morning I get up, knowing I have what I need to be a complete person again. I put on the kettle, put in the coffee, the milk... the sugar. Oh wait.. that wasn't sugar. I'm not a fan of salty coffee so I dumped it. Later on I discovered I did have some sugar, in one of the many bags off stuff I didn't know I had, didn't ask for and didn't want and takes up way too much space. Well at least there's tomorrow.
Monday, February 02, 2015
life. Home, me, etc. So, the first day o' the rest of my life was today, following the eve of it, which I celebrated by getting considerably wrecked, and thus this momentous day was spent by me, utterly useless and incapable of achieving a damn thing. At some point in the evening I was able to get the computer hooked up, and back in business, but so far business has been slow. It hasn't been so bad, despite the whole hangover thing and the utter explosion of my life and everything I hold dear courtesy of yours truly's stupid decisions/actions/lack thereof, which preceded, I mean, wasn't good but considering... And here I am. Tomorrow is the first day of action in this period, so perhaps there will be more to report on then. I'm not banking on it, but there's a slight possibility. Anyway, off to enjoy the being back and computerized in a more relaxing, befitting to my still delicate condition way.
Sunday, February 01, 2015
from me. Not necessarily to anyone who will be reading this, just goodbye to this, and that, my current dwellings, other things and/or people and other sentient beings. Goodbye to my life, in a way, which I'm being unceremoniously kicked out of. Not nastily mind you, very kindly, politely and amicably, but it's going down the shitter all the same. What to do with myself now? No idea, no fucking idea.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
I've had a personal battle with the month of January for the last few years here on this blog. It's due to the fact that January is generally shit, it's boring, it's grey, and just in general bleh. The past few Januaries in particular have, in fact sucked. Then February would come and honestly didn't get much better, and often specifically crappy stuff happened, and on with March, etc. So, usually things suck, whatever month it is, plus greyness.. darkness.. end of revelries etc etc etc. This January has been in that way like all others, in that it has been fucking awful. It's been different than the others as well, it's been particularly shit, and shittier than any other month, January or otherwise that I've experienced for years. Not all of it, some of it was vaguely pleasant, but it started unpleasant, stayed just plain boring for a while, got slightly interesting but really nothing all that great to be honest and then everything went to shit in a spectacular way. JMG! I say, and have said for many years, there's barely 5 hours left of it and good fucking riddance! Unfortunately, this year more than ever the transitioning of the months won't make a damn bit of difference other than to make things why yes.. even worse, so thank you, um, universe. The shit that went down wasn't the kind that flares up, is really bad for a bit, then simmers down and is kind of bad and eventually disappears.. no, it's the kind of event, a revelation that tells you this is how it is, and this is how it's going to continue to be.. and actually later on it's going to be more like this. And starting tomorrow, in February, it's going to be more like this. And this, I completely fucking hate. It has been opined that it is a good thing, and I suppose in a way it is, but's the kind of good that's good for you rather than, you know, good.. sort of like broccoli, except I really like broccoli so it's not a very good example, more like, studying, exercise, doing taxes and sorting out bills. Things that I put off, and most of the time just don't plain do. When it can't be avoided, I ignore the reality that they exist for as long as I can. this is exactly what I'm trying to do now, but it's hard when reminders are being thrust into your face as you go along in your usual daily distractions, and there's that nagging feeling that you really should be doing stuff to get ready for this eventuality. So yeah.. um, JMG, and whatever.