So here i am, I'm writing. I've been quiet, for me. I have good reasons, one being that it's been really difficult to get anything done of late including writing something online, the other one is that things fucking suck, and there's not much more to say about it than they fucking suck. Well there is a lot to say about it, but I will, in my usual style, allude and be vague and not say anything at all while saying a lot. I think that's how it goes. Last month sucked. It sucked as months usually do, boredom, hardship, shit just not working out, again. And then a big event happened, a momentous devastating occasion in the life of a person that I had a weirdly inadequate reaction to, but I think I was affected, anyway it drops the level of October considerably. The events of this month, have been less overwhelming in the overall scheme of things, but the shit that started off the month (actually occurring on the last of the last, October 31, Halloween all Saint's Eve Samhain etc)happened is of a kind to affect me personally much more, and being the unfeeling, selfish sort that I am, has pissed me off much more. And it just got worse. So shit sucks, everything simple, boring but necessary is such a fucking hassle to do and it doesn't get anything done it's just a big pain in the ass. And I don't get anything done. Day after day the same, I wait and wait and rush and wait and find out.. nothing. Not a sausage, nothing knew, not good news anyway, just more of the same shit, slowly descending from it's already considerable descent. So shit sucks, and I'm considerably vexed by it all.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
but nothing to say. I sometimes have problems writing anything here. It shouldn't be a problem, as there is not obligation for me to ever write anything at all, not officially, but I want to write. I want to keep this here blog thingy up, I want to have a creative(ish) connection to the outer world, that isn't all the photos I post or the stuff I share on Facebook or the stuff I (not all that often or at least not enough of the the stuff I want to be in) act in or or all else that I do so I want to write something. I just do. Something is a big category. It would help so much if I had a topic, or topics, or subjects if that is in any way different to a topic. No it wouldn't, then I'd be complaining about how hard it is to write about a particular thing all the time, or that particular thing, or to have to write about a different particular thing every week or every month of however often my assignments are sent. I'd complain, and I'd maybe write, or I maybe wouldn't. This way is also difficult. I don't have much of a life, there is no single subject that I am enough of an expert on for me to have enough confidence in my knowledge to feel I can write about it. It would feel like pontificating, and to pontificate one must a: have loads of confidence, or b: really know stuff, like lots. I am neither a nor b. I mean, I occasionally jot out something about politics or whatever, but it isn't often. That leaves me, and my life. Life being uneventful, it leaves me, and I don't really like talking about myself. I mean I do, and I do. and I am. That is both like it and do it, and I am engaging in that this very moment, but I don't like sharing too much. Not details, not the inner person not anything. So I end up writing about myself, my feelings, stuff going on but being vague about it. And I tend to just type my thoughts out without stopping to think if it makes sense and I never go back over and edit because I really don't want to go back and realize what a load of drivel I just wrote. So it may be hard to read. As I don't think there's anyone reading and this is all for me, and I don't even bother ever reading it, that matters little. So what am I even whining about? Oh yeah. Turns out it doesn't matter.
Wednesday, October 04, 2017
So, nothing to report on, write home about, to immortalize in song or any of that. Just me, here, waiting for one thing or another to work out, doing bits of things here or there, working for the weekend but I can't say anything about that because it's oh so top secret oooh. Not that it's anything important. So, cats still running around, I'm still here in this place, somehow and I have some stuff on the agenda but at this point I'm expecting to all turn into nothing because after about the 67th time, you sense a pattern forming. Just got a fright, thought it was one of our many chickens. See we have several. Some have already been here, roosting for a while, then another came home, roosted and we evicted it, but it might come back. I thought that one had come back. Still could be back, soon. No I'm not going to explain all of that. Well.. life goes on. I wish I had something better or more detailed or microscopically interesting to report on, but there you go.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Saturday, September 16, 2017
I have been rather poorly of late. Not to excuse the lack of posting, that's just because I have nothing to write. I still have nothing to write but nevertheless I've decided it's time to tap away at the keyboard again. I have been unwell, mildly, for a short while and I did not/do not like it. Not one bit. I did manage to actually work during a bit of it for which I should be sorta proud but really am nothing in particular about. I'm getting over it, but whether I'll get through the more psychological malady that's gone along with it, that remains to be seen.
Perhaps it's because it gives me too much time to dwell, and combined with feeling physically shitty it just makes everything seem so bad, maybe it's because things just are that shitty, but I've been wallowing, and whiny, and.. stuff like that. Yes, things are less than spectacular. Let's put it into perspective, these are all entirely first world problems, and of a particularly whiny wallowy person, so nought to get worried about, but being as it's me that's wallowing and whining, it does bother me.
Things are back to, square one I guess. It keeps happening but I thought for a while things were happening, well things were happening, but I thought that some would continue to happen and/or lead to other things and all the things combined would make a, if not amazing but at least pretty good bunch of things. Well none of those things lead to anything, and now there's nothing. I'm more than getting tired of this development. Further than that, I'm not proud of the way I deal with it. It's bad enough to be a failure at everything I want to do, even worse to be the sort of person who just can't deal with it. I am very much the kind of person who just can't fucking deal with it, and wallows, and whines... etc etc.
So this is bothering me. And the things that made me deal with the stuff poorly remains a problem. And after an actually quite pleasant evening last night which broke up the whining and wallowing, during which I oh so extravagantly had a bit of wine, I've had an awful splitting headache all day, which doesn't exactly help with the project (not that I've begun one, or even considered thinking about beginning one) to get myself out of my slump and become more-ish like the person I would rather be, or less like the person I am, to an at least reasonable degree. So there, that's been my couple of days.
Wednesday, September 06, 2017
Still not sure what's happening here. Coasting along quite comfortably in this domicile until, well that I don't know.
Things have slowed down. From what, I hear you shout, stuff, I say, stuff. I had a few things going on and a few things that looked like they would become things, and a thing that was a positive thing whether it turned out to be anything or not. Now the stuff seems to have stopped (maybe there will be stuff but at the moment I have nothing scheduled). Things that didn't turn into anything and the thing that was a positive thing whether it worked out or not, isn't really anything, turns out, I really wanted that thing.
But, there's always more out there, more opportunities, more small achievements and the tiny promise that one day there will be something bigger, that will inevitably not become anything but as long as I can delude myself that it might just one day work out I guess everything is tolerable.
And there are kitties, of course.
Monday, August 28, 2017
It just has. I can't say good or bad or exciting or slow or exquisite because it hasn't, and it has. It's just been.
I seem to be still doing stuff, occasionally, semi regularly. I'm mostly doing the stuff that leads to stuff, only thing is, in my experience, the stuff never happens. Some stuff has, and some stuff will, but the stuff, the real stuff, never seems to pan out. But we'll see. Maybe this will be the month of stuff. Or perhaps next month, it's almost next month I can live with that.
So I'm working a bit, when I can. I go to actual castings well I went to one and I feel like I'm jinxing by mentioning it because it's taken this long to even get one for something real with a line and sort of appointment, but I want it to become a more regular thing, and ultimately, the stuff I want is the stuff it leads to.
Other stuff, well, I've had a long term sporadic correspondence with a person who I finally met the other day and we spoke together in a language that is both our second and I'm not sure if everything was clear, or what the job really is, or when it's supposed to start or if anything is ever going to come of it but that's a thing too, it might actually become a real thing. I won't hold my breath though, I've been much further along in something after having put in weeks and work and study that's not led to anything more, actually that's the story of this year so far so like everything we'll see.
Still hanging on here, still got power on, somehow. That's something.