Friday, March 27, 2015

Fix what?

So life goes on. It seems to be going well, for the most part, as long as I keep everything relating to reality in the back of my mind, which I am. I shall continue to ignore it all as long as it can be ignored. It's what I do. So, pretty much, it needs to be fixed? What needs fixing? Well everything, different things, conflicting things. Everything, you know, my life, the one that's kinda going well, it actually fucked. That's the bit I'm ignoring. There's so much to be fixed I don't even know where to start, I make some tiny steps toward sorting something out and in the process shove some of the other mess onto the mess pile making the other messes bigger. At least I think I am, I'm not sure because as I've mentioned, I'm trying my best to ignore it. It's the usual stuff. Well usual for me which you'd know if I ever bothered with details.. stuff about work, about money, about living space about survival, relationships which have been pretty loosely defined in my life recently, all of it is totally fucked, all of it, and totally. But that's cool, I'm coping. I'm doing small things here and there to mitigate the extent of the disaster but really, when there's so much and it's coming at you from all directions what can you really do? Well drinking helps. I mean it doesn't help but it's part of what one has been doing. And all that goes along with that. I'll check back in a little bit and see how it all turns out.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Too busy living..

Yes, that's it. I don't write because I actually have a life. Well I have a job. I spend a lot of time hanging around "the square" not getting paid, to be honest. Well, sometimes I do. The rest of the time for the most part I've been spending it quietly, if you don't count the week or so I became obsessed with a particular instrument and spent a lot of time learning a few things on it, and once or twice I actually socialized with real people. Otherwise, just hanging out, wasting time. Still in transition, no idea what will become of me by the rest of the month but from this morning I have (I think, I hope) one less thing to worry about, I'm blissfully feeling terrible, but it's great, and it's great. I have plans, oh so many ambitious plans, and I'm seriously thinking about planning a time when I sit down and really consider how I'm going to maybe write down a list of when and how I'm going to maybe implement some of these things.. yes, I'm here bitchez, I'm gonna be out there! That's pretty much it.

Saturday, March 07, 2015

On to the next step.

So, recently there have been a lot of changes in my life, change of circumstance, habitat, um, yeah everything really. The beginning of last month was the big moment although stuff happened earlier that led to it, which was quite devastating to me. The last month has been strange, I guess I could say, although I seem to adapt pretty quickly to everything changing completely. I was there, now I'm here, I had this person in my life, now they're.. well over there and I don't really communicate much, and there's this person over here who's in my space, sort of. Yeah.. just that. I did well, if I may say so myself, the main thing was gaining some sort of employment, keeping it and making some money from it and I did that. Amazing what you can achieve if you really fucking have to. It was hairy for a while, took it's time and I thought I was going to be out on my ass again but I had a whirlwind week of something akin to success that made it possible for me to survive. Since then, it's been slower, and less lucrative but I'll probably mention that later at some point. My personal life obviously has been disrupted. Last month, fresh out of a life that I'd been living for years, that I'd been involuntarily kicked out of, here I was, wondering, what the fuck is next. And what came next was.. a bit of everything, working, drinking, working hungover, insomnia.. arguing, fighting, sharing intimate details.. other stuff. A lot I don't remember, but it was all good, even the stuff that wasn't good, and in fact absolutely terrible, because it was what there was at the time. That was February. First month out of my old life. Now, things are different again, people move on, another moves in, business is slow and I'm wondering again, what the fuck is next, what the hell am I going to do with myself now. This time I think I need to make an effort to build some kind of life for myself, because letting it all just happen around me just isn't working anymore.

Tuesday, March 03, 2015

So um, hi..

Well. Things have changed, things are happening, stuff went down. What can I say, February was a damn interesting month. Now.. what to do with myself?

Sunday, February 15, 2015

And it's back in the pit..

the fucking quagmire that i just can't ever seem to get completely out of. As as soon as it looks like I might just be edging out, there I slip back again. Why oh why oh why oh why does everyone never communicate with you properly or in a timely fashion or go and change the rules on you mid plan and completely fuck you up? Why? Seriously, not rhetorical, I want to know. More importantly I want to know how to stop it, and more importantly how to get out of this mess that is due entirely to people fucking me around in one way or another, at least 15% of it, definitely. Here I am again, wondering just what the fuck I am to do and what's to become of me. I am in a state of permanent doomdom. It's getting very tiresome.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

So not quite a miracle...

but still, something that I needed, or at least wanted. At the very least though the past few days could end up being the cause of various disasters from ill health to.. general catastrophe, it was fun. And at the same time.. all is still the same, no idea if this is all going to be ok, the time is getting closer and I have no idea if I'm going to survive. Nothing to compare, nothing to estimate, just people who won't get in contact. Just waiting, as always.

Monday, February 09, 2015

I'm a good girl..

a miracle must happen. Truly, I am. I mean, I'm not necessarily a bad girl, not in the good way anyway. I have good qualities, I have, for instance, all the correct opinions on everything. I tend to fail on the living one's belief's part, as I'm somewhat selfish, and quite lazy, but wanting everything to be happy and rosy counts for something, surely. And sure, I have flaws, tons of them, but they're more the being rather pathetic and useless kinds rather than mean and evil kinds, so I'm at least good-ish. Sorta. Well, a miracle would be nice all the same. At least some good luck. Ok I'll take a decent opportunity that doesn't take too much courage or in fact effort to take advantage of. Ok, a short run of no further bullshit, at least not the really bad stuff. Deal?

Sunday, February 08, 2015

A kind of rhythm.

I've kind of settled into a way of doing things here. Not so different from the old way of doing things. The surroundings are a little less salubrious, the other human presence is always there but rarely seen, and there's no furry friend always around. I've seen a lot of depots, at the end of the tram lines during times I'm trying to avoid something by doing something which never works out as doing anything because I just get preoccupied and can't concentrate. I'm making slow progress in, stuff, and it's and more problems keep coming up to make things more stressful which I can't do a damn thing about.. no difference there then. Apart from one morning sitting in a cold corridor for 2 hours because of key issues and a day on a set wearing a heavy sack coat that literally dragged me down and gave me a bad back, that's about it. Any dreams of forging out a new exciting life for myself in the shadow of disaster.. are going to have to be worked on.