should I write, should i what?

well.. all this whining on the rare occasions i show up here without really giving details is getting old. Problem is, without doing that, what the hell do I write? I could go into details, maybe I have to, thing is, I don't want to, I really don't want to now. Because things are fucked, really really fucking fucked. I'd say I've descended into the depths of fuckedness but that would be inviting things to fall even further, because they can, they always can, and they usually do. Things is, it's not all that bad so if I go into details, not that it makes all that much difference once I've already declared that yes, things really are shit, whatever they are, but then I'll get all this (at least a bit of it from probably at least one person) seriously concerned and giving suggestions that a: I've thought of and b:e just aren't going to work because things, and I don't have to explain my reasons for everything and meanwhile not actually being able to help because in this case none of you are near enough and that's cool because I know most people just can't, so great, and I know you would all help if you could and already get points for that.. sorry, been a bit like that already and it's a tiny bit annoying and I know it's awful to complain about it because people really are just concerned and want to be helpful. So, I'm currently "between homes" which is kind of a pain, to put it Britishly, and my cats, which were getting a bit numerous and out of hand for anyone without a country estate anyway have gone to live somewhere else, and I miss them terribly. And my stuff is still on the stairs of my old building and taking time getting moved for general reasons which is really getting on my nerves. So that's how it is. I think I gave enough details there.

spring

This will either be a boring post about the weather, or an equally boring post about my life, vaguely outlined using the weather as a metaphor, I will see. It is spring, technically and also sort of really. The days are longer promising to get warmer but don't necessarily really, bla bla bla. It promises to get warmer in the next few days. It's not rainig at all now, but it promises to rain. Probably drizzle, the drizzle continues and it never pours, this is the metaphor bit. You see, it was raining, but the pouring never came. Now it promises to not quite pour but, whatever I said in the last post about it raining slightly more substantially than a light shower. Is shower lighter or heavier than light rain, or drizzle? I think I asked that in the last post too. So that, it's sort of promising to do that, again, as it does every so often, and that ,combined with the actual climatical spring, promised or otherwise is giving me a sense of something resembling hope, which will likely come crahing down or at least sliding down when I sit down one day and realise 5 out of 5 and a half promises turned into nothing. Oh well, at least I have this brief moment without which I would be very glum for very long indeed. What I'd really like is more stuff, and better stuff, but sometime the dreams are less fun than they should be when I start actually counting on them happening and when they like, don't, it's a problem. It also makes the reality, stuff I do get much less exciting as it never equals the wild fantasies in my head, which are never really all that wild as, are really good things that are beyond happening to me, at the moment, at least in those quantities. Yeah that's it, the second one, boring combination piece, weather and metaphor for. Hope you got something out of that.

Something to write about

Not really. You know how last time I wrote, last year, talking about how shitty life was, how fucking depressing and miserable and bleak and horrible and pointless and fucked up and horrible and generally negative things were? And how I hoped the next year would be better and things would bloody well have to rapidly improve and I was looking forward to the change of arbirtrary bla bla bla... no I didnt really say that because I wasnt expecting any of that, but the first bit yeah. Well, it's still like the first bit. 2018 sucks. I don't have a lot of hope for that changing very soon. Sorry to be a downer, but one value's one's honesty. Actually that's a lie, I just want to spread the misery. Take that people with relatively alright lives if you look at it in a certain way.

Same Again

I thought I'd pop in here at least once during this month, right at the last minute, of the year, as it happens. This year. This fucking year. This fucking shitty year has fucking sucked! I'd go into details but I can't fucking be bothered and really, it's fucking depressing. It's just a bleak miserable existence. I'd be fucking ecstatic, in spite of the end of a monumental fuckup of a year, except I know it won't change a thing. Us humans (myself fucking included, especially me being such a stupid fuckwit) are obsessed with these milestones based on arbitrary numeral combinations and it means shit. Nothing will happen except for the same bullshit that keeps happening, more problems and more bad shit. That's my fucking prediction for the next fucking rotation around the sun... the same old shit, but worse. At least the festive season will be over. You know what it's like to be around everyone enjoying fun and festivities when your life is pointless, miserable and bleak with no hope that anything will change, either soon or ever? Well it fucking sucks. Now it will be January, which is glum, but it's glum for everyone. Good! I hope it's fucking extra glum with an extra dose of bleak. You try it, hah.. you don't know what glum is motherfucker, I'd like to give you glum. Well I've done my duty and made my point. I don't know when I'll be writing here again but it won't be until at least next year. Yes, I see what I did there, laugh motherfucker. That's all, me out.

The usual

So, nothing to report on, write home about, to immortalize in song or any of that. Just me, here, waiting for one thing or another to work out, doing bits of things here or there, working for the weekend but I can't say anything about that because it's oh so top secret oooh. Not that it's anything important. So, cats still running around, I'm still here in this place, somehow and I have some stuff on the agenda but at this point I'm expecting to all turn into nothing because after about the 67th time, you sense a pattern forming. Just got a fright, thought it was one of our many chickens. See we have several. Some have already been here, roosting for a while, then another came home, roosted and we evicted it, but it might come back. I thought that one had come back. Still could be back, soon. No I'm not going to explain all of that. Well.. life goes on. I wish I had something better or more detailed or microscopically interesting to report on, but there you go.

Being Poorly

I have been rather poorly of late. Not to excuse the lack of posting, that's just because I have nothing to write. I still have nothing to write but nevertheless I've decided it's time to tap away at the keyboard again. I have been unwell, mildly, for a short while and I did not/do not like it. Not one bit. I did manage to actually work during a bit of it for which I should be sorta proud but really am nothing in particular about. I'm getting over it, but whether I'll get through the more psychological malady that's gone along with it, that remains to be seen.

Perhaps it's because it gives me too much time to dwell, and combined with feeling physically shitty it just makes everything seem so bad, maybe it's because things just are that shitty, but I've been wallowing, and whiny, and.. stuff like that. Yes, things are less than spectacular. Let's put it into perspective, these are all entirely first world problems, and of a particularly whiny wallowy person, so nought to get worried about, but being as it's me that's wallowing and whining, it does bother me.

Things are back to, square one I guess. It keeps happening but I thought for a while things were happening, well things were happening, but I thought that some would continue to happen and/or lead to other things and all the things combined would make a, if not amazing but at least pretty good bunch of things. Well none of those things lead to anything, and now there's nothing. I'm more than getting tired of this development. Further than that, I'm not proud of the way I deal with it. It's bad enough to be a failure at everything I want to do, even worse to be the sort of person who just can't deal with it. I am very much the kind of person who just can't fucking deal with it, and wallows, and whines... etc etc.

So this is bothering me. And the things that made me deal with the stuff poorly remains a problem. And after an actually quite pleasant evening last night which broke up the whining and wallowing, during which I oh so extravagantly had a bit of wine, I've had an awful splitting headache all day, which doesn't exactly help with the project (not that I've begun one, or even considered thinking about beginning one) to get myself out of my slump and become more-ish like the person I would rather be, or less like the person I am, to an at least reasonable degree. So there, that's been my couple of days.

I got nothin

Still not sure what's happening here. Coasting along quite comfortably in this domicile until, well that I don't know.

Things have slowed down. From what, I hear you shout, stuff, I say, stuff. I had a few things going on and a few things that looked like they would become things, and a thing that was a positive thing whether it turned out to be anything or not. Now the stuff seems to have stopped (maybe there will be stuff but at the moment I have nothing scheduled). Things that didn't turn into anything and the thing that was a positive thing whether it worked out or not, isn't really anything, turns out, I really wanted that thing.

But, there's always more out there, more opportunities, more small achievements and the tiny promise that one day there will be something bigger, that will inevitably not become anything but as long as I can delude myself that it might just one day work out I guess everything is tolerable.

And there are kitties, of course.

A river in Egypt

I don't consider myself a very grown up person. Usually I try to put a positive spin on it, convince myself that I'm fun loving, youthful and all that, but I'm also immature in the less positive ways. I'm not responsible, at all. I don't really think about this too much, most of the time, but I'm aware. As far as my immaturity level goes I'd figure it's nothing unusual for a young-ish (ie under 60 or 70 or whatever age is still considerably higher than mine) in this day and age but when I get to thinking about it, as I am then I realize that's not true. I'm a fucking child. I'm incapable of behaving in a responsible manner, even a little bit responsible. Oh I have my moments. When by a random stroke of luck I get some job that the universe lets me hold on to for a bit I tend to show up and do what I'm told, and I buy food and supplies when there's a regular cash flow, ie when I have the aforementioned inexplicable sort of lasting employment, and I wash dishes. Sort of regularly at least when there's hot running water. That's about it. If it gets a bit hard to get look for/get/keep a job, it doesn't happen. If there are papers to deal with, bills growing, official shit to sort out I ignore it. I can't face shit like that. And if there's something looming on the horizon that's inevitable and completely and utterly fucked and the only way to fix or at least minimize the damage is to face it, work and do something about it, well I don't. I stay out of it, keeping myself in the dark until the last minute, hoping that what I sort of know is true isn't really true and something magical at the last minute will happen to save me. Well it's the last minute. Or near the last minute I don't really know. That's how irresponsible I am. Yeah, don't know what my future holds but as far as I know it's happening soon. Like 3 days, one day, like I said I don't know. I'd ask and be sure but who wants that?

Everywhere, all the time.

I'm so tired of being reminded of all my failures. Failures, rejections, disappointments, all of it. It's just all always there. A place I have to look at, people I see who knows someone who knows this person, words, images, fucking Facebook!

If there were some triumphs to balance it out, it might be bearable, but triumph is something I cannot claim, not realistically. As far as stuff that works out sometimes, there's just not enough of it. Not enough to counter the negatives and not even enough to distract me from the fact that there's all this stuff out there, that I tried and failed at. Or never got the chance to try.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it always being like this, and the only change is more cringeworthy unpleasant memories to add to the long long list of stuff I'd like to avoid for the rest of my life but staying out of the world (easy enough) avoiding nearly everyone I've ever met (also surprisingly doable) and staying off the internet (eeek) is just not possible.

At least there's kitties, riotous crazy kitties in this crazy cat house. They're very distracting, in fact I'm not even thinking about the other thing that has me so worried, whatever it is.

I like the rain.

I like the rain, but I don't like it when it's raining. I like the spring but it rains too much, besides all that sunshine and light and beauty makes me feel like I should go out there and experience life, and for the most part I'd like to stay here, cozy and alone with just my computer for company. And sometimes a guitar, and it'd be nice to have a cat around to occasionally cuddly up to me but that's it. Some human companionship after so many hours but that's it. If I didn't have anywhere to go ever that's all I'd do, be here, reading, writing, watching stuff, taking some photos and shooting videos although for the last 2 I give myself the pressure to actually go somewhere that isn't here in order to create them, but if I wasn't really into those, and didn't ever have to then I'd never go anywhere until it got to the point where I can't stand being here doing nothing seeing no one anymore while simultaneously being so entropied both physically and emotionally that my anxiety of the outside world makes me unable to experience it. At least, I think so, I haven't gotten quite that far yet before there was a need to go somewhere, maybe it would.

Why am I telling you this? Well, why not, I've got a blog, might as well throw something up there.

A Professional

I don't really know who I am at the moment. I feel myself in these positions I feel I'm not supposed to be, if I think about it at all which I usually don't, but the feeling that it's time again to put my thoughts down right here has brought it up.

It's like, I meet this guy who's my student for English and act like I know something about it and I don't think about it too much during one of our lessons but every now and again I'm there like, "wait, what is it I'm supposed to be doing here?" I mean, I speak English, I talk it pretty good, as it happens but every now again again he brings up past continuous or continuous present or one of those things and the feeling comes back to me. It seems to be going ok though, for the moment, I might even be pretty good as a teacher, by nature. Or not.

I found myself at 5am the other morning, waiting in a tent to do some, whatever for an ad that I got cast in at the last moment, just as an extra, my lack of getting any real acting opportunities for a real professional shoot continues, but it was nice to chosen for this, or not so nice but I didn't yet again have to go through the experience of being somehow not good enough or suitable for something that literally any idiot of any age or any look can do. It has happened, many many times.

So I did it, danced a bit, waited around a lot and tried to keep myself warm for most of the time and got paid. Not so much but it's money I wouldn't have had otherwise and I need that. I don't think I'll be answering any more 5am calls though, at least not until the oppressive heat of summer, and even then... 5am? Are they mad?

I got some photos done yesterday, real proper photos with a good camera and lighting and all that. It's something I haven't had for years and it's something I need if I want to look vaguely professional as an actor, hence the title here. It's a small thing, I  don't have any professional experience or a huge amount of other experience or a showreel or enough material (not to say I haven't been in enough things to have quite an extensive and possibly decent looking showreel, but these students who make up 100 or more percent of the directors of these things, are not always too helpful in making the footage available) to make one. bit I will hopefully soon have a proper headshot, and that might make a tiny difference.

Of course, I haven't really seen the photos properly yet so maybe I will hate all of them, in fact, probably. They've been taken by a professional photographer and they will more than any other photos I have, really look like me. That's the problem there, whatever else I have, whatever accessories I come up with to help me with my "career" I'm still stuck with me. There's nothing I can do about that.

Up and down.

It's been an interesting time, these past few weeks. The situation here is not spectacular, it could even be called dire, but if one was to interpret it as living the true "Bohemian" life as an artist complete with being scruffy and poor then one might find it charming. One doesn't, unfortunately.

There is the good that balances out all this suffering. A few interesting, some complimentary, some not but vaguely promising messages and a very strange phone call from someone, somewhere who's doing something and wants me to be in it, I think, from what I gathered all add up to something being on the horizon.

Of course, the horizon is over there and if all of these individual long shots or utter scams don't add up to anything, I don't have anything but my one student and occasional life modeling class, and it's back to the proverbial drawing board to see what else I could potentially do. But it's still nice to be told that we want you for our tv show, no matter how weird  it all is, or we love your photos they're spectacular, if it will only gain me a credit, or can you send a better photo than your "selfie" after not having replied to you for 2 months is still nice, if it's all you ever get.

Popping in.

Well it's already the end of the second month, doesn't time fly, and other cliches, too numerous to mention?

Well not literally, but it does seem like it goes faster than it is. Even if you have a lot of it, which as it happens, I do.

Starting another round of "what the hell next?" That's to add to the general life "what do I do next to change and improve circumstances, whatever the present circumstances are because they just don't ever to be quite ideal", and the more timely "what am I going to do?" with a "don't have anything on the immediate horizon". "And it's quite vexing".

I've been slightly busy doing a few films (student kind as always) recently, as I was just starting one I was running to the meeting with the director of another so looking forward to that and then doing that let me take my mind off the fact that, I don't really know what to do, longish term. Now that one's done so it's on my mind again.

Thought you might like to know.

I shouldn't count my chickens..

but I am, a little bit. So, my acting "career" has pretty much dried up before I even started it, and I haven't done anything, I mean not a damn thing, not a minute in some friend's practice scene or a bit of improvised street theatre or a goofy cabaret act in some bar or a 42 second long self made self acted self shot film or a voiceover for a teaching video or a fuzzy blip in the background of an ad for flannel rags or a non speaking background role in an indescribable piece of theatre with over 50 cast members or a wife in a student film... nothing. I was in despair that I wouldn't act in a single thing this year, and that was vexing, very very vexing. Oh I got offers. Like, 2, both for the mother and the wife respectively. I don't mean a character with a story that does stuff who happens to be a wife or a mother, or even "a" wife or "a" mother, it was for "the" mother/wife. Both very small roles and both cast as about my age. Why would someone cast me as someone my own age!!! I look younger.. I swear I do, everyone tells me I do... I do I do I do!!!! anyway.. both of them were for like, the next week and obviously days I was working at my ob which I've quit but still have because I work almost every day of the week at this job and the likelihood of them happening to be shooting on my day off was small. I mean, I'd like to be in a position where I'd calmly turn down a tiny non speaking role of the mother of the person who is the person who has a story in the film and be confident that I've moved on from that sort of thing and can do better but.. as I said, done nothing for ages, so I would have accepted them, except, finding someone to cover you for a tour that hardly anyone at the company does.. not easy. So, no go. Anyway now I'm in one, next week. It's for a mother but it seems like it's more "a" mother than "the" mother, age unspecified, and they contacted me in enough time to request those days off, so I'm in it. So.. that's it, if nothing else happens between now and December 31, I've at least been in one this year. Of course, haven't done it yet so perhaps I'll have to return those chickens yet. Will let know.

I never write anymore.

It's true. I literally never write anything ever, anymore. This is however, typical of the times. I never do anything anymore, even the stuff I never really did before, at any point. I don't do any acting anymore, not entirely through choice but partially through laziness. I don't take photos anymore, not good ones anyway, and not often. I don't go out anymore, I don't travel anymore I don't even drink anymore. I don't do anything. Do you know what I do do? Well I already told you, it's nothing, but mostly I just work. And watch tv, read stuff on the internet and.. that's about it. I think it's pretty much it for me from now on.

A Time For Reflecting.

The new year is almost upon us and what does one make of it? who knows, for me this year has been strange, even different. A big change right at the beginning, being rather unceremoniously thrown out of my life, I mean sorta, I mean it wasn't even that bad but that's kinda what happened. A few months living in between um, stuff, getting used to being a working person, and going through the shock and the pain though there really wan't much just all this strangeness of everything new and not knowing how it would end up so it basically involved a lot of drinking. And stuff. A few moves through some transitory stages until setting, sorta, into a more permanent place both physically and um.. other ways.. though the place still physically looks simultaneously as if I'm just passing through and very very lived in if you know what I mean, it's become home for the foreseeable future, and other parts of my life, work and relationship seem to be the way it will be for said foreseeable time coming up so yeah, settled. Again, just sorta. Some sucked about the year but some was alright. Overall I think it was good, if just because it broke up a pattern and changed things, even made me get out and have a bit of a life, for a while, before I settled back in to my old ways. Next year will probably be much the same. Or different, who knows. I do plan to do things, for example, all those things I've always been planning to do but never did. I plan to stop engaging in several bad habits that I have, and finally become like, this totally different person who's great at stuff and adored and rich. Things like that. I also, well don't exactly plan but definitely expect none of these things to come to pass, certainly no more than for a day, maybe two. So you know the usual. Looking back, making resolutions. Going out and getting drunk, maybe seeing fireworks. See you next year.

Another year over..

and a new one just begun... grrr.. no now I'll have it in my head forever. So this is xmas, and the end of the year. Pretty much achieved the same as I have every other year which is an amount very close to if not entirely similar to um.. bugger all. *sighs* If I either cared enough to do something about it or didn't care about it at all life would be so much easier. I think it's time for a drink, no, to go though that script I need to know by tomorrow and maybe learn it.. not, for a drink. Later.

The Meaning Of It All.

Why oh why oh why did I ever start this. Out of all the things I over the years could have made a consistent effort of getting done, it has to be this thing, and by thing I mean a loose collection of semi related activities, they can be grouped as a thing, somehow. Completely useless the thing, of course, it doesn't pay, doesn't help the world, it's just wasting time on the internet. I've been slack about even that, lately, but no matter how lazy I get the milestones always get me, anniversaries.. birthdays. Now I have the pressure on, the year I've turned is the exact number that Douglas Adams chose at random to represent high minded meaningful meaningfulness in a humorous and ridiculous way and I feel obligated to say something witty and like, relevant and stuff about it. Well I can't think of anything so I'm not going to bother.

I stop and think sometimes.

I do. When I do I'm usually somewhat surprised at things. Not surprised so much as amazed, startled or taken aback. No, those are just the thesaurus entries. Definitely not inattentive, struck, or blutterbunged. Nor anoetic whatever that means. Maybe anoetic, I don't really know what it means so maybe that's it. What it is is a feeling that I don't really belong in my life. Like it's not really what is happening. No, that's not it either. I look at where I am and I ask "what are you doing here?" And the answer is, not much really. How did I get here is a more relevant question. I know the answer, again, not much, I just got here. I usually don't stop to think about it. Even though my life is not necessarily all that eventful and not at all exciting, I still have enough distractions around that I don't stop and philosophize all that much so these thoughts never get too deep, hence the lack of being able to define it all. I'm not sure I really want to delve deeper, I'm reasonably content with how things are and what the near future is likely to bring if I don't think about it much, and though the realistic outlook is not a particularly bad one, or at all a bad one, I still prefer to keep it all fuzzy. I'm used to fuzziness, it helps me get through it all. Now there's a word, fuzzy. Easy to say, sounds funny and did not take me more than half a second to come up with the perfect word.

What do you know, it works!

This whole ignoring stuff I just want to go away seems to be working out for me. I've managed to keep something back there wherever it is for about 2 weeks now, and nary a moment a day do I briefly worry about it. Of course, new shit keeps coming up and I unfortunately am forced to be privy to and that does vex me, at least at first I have a rather poor reaction to things, but, in time, if I'm lucky I'm able to vanish the thought, and continue on in my not great, not even really good but ok in some ways way, without too much crap at the forefront. I think I'll continue doing this. It would be nice for something actually actively good to happen as well.. still waiting for one of those. That's really all.