Wednesday, September 03, 2014

So long and so fast.

Time goes by so fast, they say, and I tend to think. It just flies by, actually. Of course, how fast is fast? I mean, time goes by how long it takes time to go by, for instance, a day takes a day to go by and that's as fast as, well, a day takes.

That's not what I'm writing about though. I mean I was, but it's sort of the b plot if you will, for this blog I'm writing. Yes, I see what I did there. Yes time goes by fast but everything takes so long. Things take so long we never even get to them. Well for me anyway, I mean some things.

Here I am waiting again, to hear from someone, or someone else after applying, or even going in and doing a (mediocre to adequate if I want to be charitable to myself) audition, or writing a test summary, or something else similar to one of those things or not that similar but someone one does. Actually I think I pretty much listed all of them. And things going further back that I can pretty much file away as "officially didn't happen". You can probably include at least one thing on that list, though you could probably safely chuck it all in that file without a chance of missing much.

The stupid thing is, I'm always so nervous of checking my emails whenever I have something outstanding going on. I'm afraid of them letting me know that I'm just not good enough, or of being told I was too late (as I tend to take 2 or 3 goes over 4 or 5 days to finally complete and send an email for the simplest of things) or to be told I have the role/job and then I have to deal with the anxiety of doing it all. Well not so much the last one. I mean, I would be stressing about that but that is the one that never really happens.

So here I am, clicking on gmail, hoping it safely says I have none new and when there is one I see it's just a notification from twitter, or a silly email from a friend and I go "phew". Yes, I literally do that. No I don't but I do think that. Then I start relaxing because it's not first on my mind anymore. Then I start wishing the reply would kind of come. Then I forget about it, then I start checking my email every 15 minutes hoping it will show up already. Then I forget about it, then I remember and think, hey, there was that thing I was hoping I would be doing.. guess that's not going to happen now. Oh well, sucks to be me.

At the moment I'm in stages 1, 2 and 4 and 6. I think, I'm just guessing, I can't be bothered to go back and see what I wrote and compare it to the stuff I'm referring too. I don't even know if there are that many stages, but it's probably close.


Anonymous said...

What can I say? I can try and reassure you that everything will turn out for the best, or remind you that there are countless people out there in a much worse position. But then that would be to not only trivialise your feelings, but to suggest I know better. But I don't. In fact, I just fucking hate it when my feelings are invalidated, so I wont do the same with yours. All I can say is, life sure can be a bummer man (or if you prefer, lady)!

Michelle said...

you're right.. well, I think you are.

Sorry it took so long to reply I've been.. I'd say busy but that would be a lie, I just didn't know what to say. You know it's ok to say there there, everything will be ok. I mea I will snap at you and say no it's all doom and gloom and misery but you can say it.