Friday, April 04, 2014

Boundaries, framework, structure.

Those things are all things I need. I'm not sure they're all entirely related but that's the kind of thing I need. To be more specific, I need someone standing over me constantly with a whip, and an assurance that they'll use it. I just can't be the whip wielder myself. I'm not a self whip wielder.. except for that one time, I mean, but that was for show, and that wasn't even a real whip.


It's bad enough on a regular week. I set myself these tasks, and intend to do all sorts of stuff but not having to be somewhere at a certain time to start a shift or a tour or whatever, on pain of becoming again unemployed.... which always happens anyway with literally everything I ever begin, though being on time is something that I tend to be better at than many who tend to remain employed... then I just can't make myself do it.

A tip, read the bits in between the dots separately, and the bits outside of the dots as one sentence and I think that both bits will make sense. Not sure, but I think.

So yeah, not good at discipline. I'm generally ok if the discipline is coming from outside, but it has to be serious, like an employer, or someone coming to Prague on the weekend who shot the movie with us last year and wanting to be able to show her the final cut (or at least the 2 bits out of the 3 bits and have them done, at least edited for the first, roughest draft) even though we didn't even see her because we couldn't get in touch.. those sorts of things. If it's me saying I totally, definitely need to/want to/should get this done. I just won't. 

You know all that, assuming you ever read anything here, and if you're reading this, it's possible you do. I am useless, I don't work, I don't get things done, I flounder and start things and sometimes not even that. I look to a point in the future and think yes, that will be it, but again and again when one reads (if one was to bother to do this, which I have myself, because I'm me) through the archives, one sees that many times this has been said, and it's always the same.

At least usually I have some structure to the day. I get up, usually when Cooley makes me (this part hasn't changed actually) and then I do my stuff on the computer, mostly not stuff that counts towards anything that matters, but stuff. I putter around, sometimes I go out.. shopping, appointments of various sorts, for jobs I don't get or don't have for very long, a part in a play or a film which I may have a small chance of getting if it's a tiny role for someone 55 and particularly boring.. but otherwise I'm here. Erik gets home and we have some dinner, have some together time and I go to bed at a reasonable time because he does. Well now Erik's.. he's off in the arctic circle snowboarding at the moment, according to information. (the whole trip isn't snowboarding it's a chance to see his sister because she has a thing there so he went there for a few days but there is snowboarding nearby, but none of this is really relevant to anything so why am I rambling on about it, I don't know, why do I ramble on about absolutely everything, why am I unable to write without rambling you answer me that? is that even correct English.. answer me that? perhaps I should ask that somewhere else) and I'm here alone. 

That last bit, assuming anyone is there and is still reading, read the bits in the brackets separately from the rest or it won't make sense. I mean, it has a tiny chance of making sense if you try very hard if you don't do that, but none if you don't. Am I making sense?

I've been talking to no one but Cooley for too long. So.. here I am, leaving shit around because I won't annoy someone else if it's in the way, going to bed late and not sleeping because COOLEY WON'T LET ME WHY OH WHY DOES SHE DO THIS SO MUCH MORE WHEN ERIK ISN'T HERE WHY? And then getting up still quite early because Cooley makes me.. and then just hanging out.. I don't know what I do. I guess the same as I do when he is here, just without that structure of it being around when he gets home and stuff. 

I was going to go and sit on the hill for most of the evening, with a book and a beer, just to properly be outside not just to go from one place to another, but I think it might rain.

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