An appearance

I thought I'd show up here again just to say something... "something" That's all I really have to say for now, going through one of those periods. It's not exactly writer's block, more a writer's, um, what's the word? I guess it's a block, at least a lack of imagination regarding ways to turn what I'm experiencing and feeling into a semi coherent narrative with a catch or a hook or whatever you call it without actually telling anyone anything of detail. Or maybe I just did. So, in case you were wondering and perhaps there is a sole soul out there who does, the situation I wrote about in my previous posting has not changed. I'm still waiting, whenever I make a point to think about it which I don't. I'm living a weird mix of doomed and a charmed life. At some point this will change, but fortunately I have plenty of distractions to help me not dwell it, I've got my shows, four cats and have even been known to go out to an establishment more than once this month, so it's cool. That's all. I guess it was sort of something, whatever it is.

More work for me to do.

I realize I made an error when I was posting my mission statement. I said I wrote 16 posts last year. I was wrong, it was 17. Totally dumb of me as it was written right there on the sidebar, where I saw it initially and was given this (admittedly unremarkable) idea.

Perhaps I remembered generally seeing it and melting the number of the year with the number of posts, I think that may be it. Anyway I was wrong and I must correct it. It is my mission to write at least 17 posts this month of May, 2017. I might just achieve it having written 8 already, and 9 if this one gets finished. Less if I only include those with actual written content and not just photos or links to videos. Less still if I only count ones that are in some way, even slightly worth banging out on a computer. If was to restrict it to those I've made some effort to write something creative in some way then I might be able to count 2. And posts with an actual subject is only one. Those with both a subject and effort put in come to 0 I'm afraid so I can't be that rigorous when counting what I write over this month. What the actual criteria are in order to succeed in this mission will be made up as I go along.

Apologies for repetition and redundancies, run on sentences and errors. I don't usually apologize for those because usually I don't have an excuse for them but today I'm tired. Not enough sleep. Fortunately I don't have anywhere I have to be, or anything I need to do, which is good when you're woken up at 8 or 9 or 7 in the morning by drilling or hammering or whatever they're doing in that flat after going to sleep when it was already blue, not so good for getting paid. I'm working on that but the world seems to be against me for the moment.

Productiveness

I plan to write. One may say well, yeah, what's the blog for, and yes of course, in this here blog, as well as posting photos and occasional video, I write. I don't write a whole lot, and even with that it would not be incorrect to say that the stronger point of the blog is with quantity, as opposed to quality. As the quantity isn't really all that strong a point.. you see where I'm going.

I'd like to write more good, that's a clear thing, but to write good, just like with doing everything else good, you got to practice, so that's what I'm doing. No need to read, just like there's no need to watch my videos much for the same reason, but I'm gonna write all the same. I'll keep going until I get good, and hopefully will inspire myself and actually have subjects and stuff, sound knowledgeable, inject some wit, lie awake at night coming up with something brilliant, word for word and then write it up the next day having forgotten most of the words but nevertheless, it's there.

Until I get to that point, you gotta put up with a lot of drivel. Or don't, doesn't really matter.

Writing home

Again, I've got nothing to write home about, but nevertheless..

I've written quite a lot this month, relative to how much I have in the last months, years, this whole decade? Still not a lot, but more than usual. Way back in my early days of blogging I used to write much more. It was mostly drivel, actually exactly the sort of stuff I write not, just more, and oftener. I did write a few pieces which I was proud of, and whenever I look back on years ago I remember it as a golden age where I had ideas all the time and a variety of subjects I would share with the world. I would lament the lack of any inspiration, wondering how I ever managed to be so prolific, and not half bad at that.

Back in the day, I used to get ideas late at night, I'd latch onto something and in my head I'd write a whole post, complete with witty lines and clever jokes. The next day, I'd put off writing it down because it seemed like so much pressure, and finally I'd get it done, sure that I'd forgotten all the best details and it never seemed as good as I thought it was the night before, but still, a pretty decent piece of writing.

Then I stopped writing so much, and this didn't happen again for like, years. I thought the magic was gone. I was no longer a (sort of, in the broadest sense, if you're extremely generous on what constitutes one) writer.

Well the other night, inf act around easter just before my good Friday post it happened again. The result is here, or at least partly here, I came up with that in my head, as well as another bit that I half intended to write later, but never got around to. Whether it's all that good is up to the reader, and if it's not worth writing down well that could be due to the missing bit and the fact that all the best details weren't in it because I forget them by the time I wrote them down but the point is it happened! After, possibly 10 years, at least once I had this idea at night, words, sentences, phrases all there. It's not gone, not completely. And if it happened once it might again.

I just need to write more. Writing puts me in the mood for more writing and coming up with things to write about gives me more ideas of things to write about, and if I do it a lot, it gets the brain in that mode. In order to be able to write, I need to write. So here I write, and I will continue to write, and write more, and then some more.

If I could only figure out exactly what to write about.

I never write anymore.

It's true. I literally never write anything ever, anymore. This is however, typical of the times. I never do anything anymore, even the stuff I never really did before, at any point. I don't do any acting anymore, not entirely through choice but partially through laziness. I don't take photos anymore, not good ones anyway, and not often. I don't go out anymore, I don't travel anymore I don't even drink anymore. I don't do anything. Do you know what I do do? Well I already told you, it's nothing, but mostly I just work. And watch tv, read stuff on the internet and.. that's about it. I think it's pretty much it for me from now on.

Service will be resuming shortly.

I haven't been around much lately, even less than the haven't been around in general for the last year or 3 years or so. Mostly because of stuff. Actually it's entirely because of stuff, but now I'm back, online that is, and I almost have a computer table so soon I will be writing regularly again, or at least as regularly as I was before I stopped writing entirely (for the duration of the time I stopped writing entirely anyway) as opposed to mostly not writing very often and when I did it wasn't much to write home about anyway. So stay tuned. I mean, if you can be bothered.

Whoops I forgot!

To post. Yesterday. Besmirched my perfect record. O well nevermind, I shall get through it.

*checks off list*

I've been making lists, daily ones, of stuff I should do. I divide them up into three, stuff that must be done, stuff I should do but not essential, and stuff that it would be totally cool if I got around to if I have time. I tried doing the lists a few days ahead but I had to adjust them all the time depending on what I did the day before.

So, generally I get one or 2 of the essential list done. I usually have more than 2 things on that list. Today I made pitas, which was on my list, and I'd thought for a second about making before but I looked at the recipe and it sounded a bit complicated so I forgot about it, and I thought that this probably would be one thing I wouldn't get done today, and if I did, it wouldn't work out. Well, I did and it did. Turns out it's pretty easy, even if you don't follow the instructions perfectly perfect but pretty close. So I'll do those again.

The other stuff o the list was really just there because it was on the general list, like exercise. I intend to do that every day, but then it got real hot and I thought.. eh.

There was something else but I forgot what it was and don't know if I did it. I think it was clean the computer, which I tried to do, kind of but, there's only so much you can do when you're not adept with a screwdriver, don't have a vacuum thingy or that air spray stuff, so I sorta fiddled with it a bit.

I really am just writing for the sake of writing now, but I don't think it matters, because you're just reading for the sake of reading, aren't you? You? Hello?

I'm glad you noticed.

Yes, I am setting myself a goal of writing a post every day this month. Seems to be the only way to make me bother. We'll see how long it takes before I forget about it, and further we'll see if I ever write anything that isn't filler, ie not this.

Writing.

I'm going to write about writing. Again. I know, it's getting old but it's my blog and I can write about writing if I want to.

Once upon a time I used to write much more, here, as well as a few other places but that never really got off the ground, but the blog was really working for me. A long time ago now. For years I've been updating this blog sparsely or filling it with.. filler. Well, there have been phases where I wrote a lot because I whined a lot about my personal failings, and times when stuff actually was happening and I had a lot to write about.. stuff that was going on with me. Back in the golden age that I vaguely remember existing, I wrote about.. things.. all sorts of things, can't remember what things but they were general ideas, clever takes on.. stuff, and well, whatever. I just remember it being a wider range of subjects than I'd written about before, or have since. It may not be a lot, it might still be crap and very shallow and me centered compared to any writing of quality but for me, it was good.

And I had inspiration for things. I'd lie awake at night with an idea, writing it in my head and coming up with particularly clever bits that I often forgot by the time I was able to write it down, but still, it was there. I was in the habit of writing, and coming up with ideas for subjects, which weren't all just the tedious details of my life.

I could go back and try to find this lost era, and read over what I wrote back then and possibly I'd not be able to find, because, well, it blends in with the general gist of the blog.. ie, full of me centered stuff, and if I could, then I'd find it wasn't all that good, in fact, not good at all and really full of more me centered stuff and the only reason I'd know it was from about that time is because of something I remember writing and being particularly proud of, which is actually very ordinary. This probably would be the case, so I don't think I'll do that.

I'm going to assume there was such an era, and I'd like it back please. I've tried to those days back a few times. The most recently being the month I posted every day. I thought it would jump start the writing frame of mind, and give me those ideas, late at night that I frustratingly copy down late the next day, certain that I'd forgotten the best and wittiest bits, but it never came. I wrote pretty much a full month of filler posts and since then, whenever I write, whether it's one a week or 3 or less or more, they're pretty much that.

Whatever it was, whether it was really very good at all, it might just be gone. Oh well.. tune in for more about me.. whenever.

I should write.

I want to write. I want to be a writer, not just someone who tumbles out a log string of characters that barely come together in a coherent form that represent my rambling thoughts as I type without any clarification and no editing. You know, proper writing.

This blog will never be that, though I'd like to be, well, a more regular thing, and more varied in subject. I'd like to be able to write articles, essays, that sort of crap, stories, novels, a screenplay. Actually the last I'm doing, if by "doing" you mean, there's a plan for it that I spoke of with some people 2 weeks ago and I haven't actually started yet, but that's something which is an example of what I'd like to be able to do. Seeing as I'm, um, doing it and all. Not on my own mind you, but still.

The brain needs exercise. I know that if I got into the habit, even of writing every day and not just writing for the sake of writing but having something if not terribly meaningful, at least worthwhile in some way, I would get better. If I could get over this weird anxiety I have about.. well, everything, but specifically in this case about writing about things like news or politics, or really anything outside of my immediate experience, then I'd get good at it. I'd get into the habit of it and be able to submit an article to a magazine, about a subject, an actual subject! I'd get ideas for things to write about, I'd just get better, in general.

So I'm adding it to my list. My long list of things, these things being stuff I want to do, and actually finish, and in some way count for something. It probably isn't prudent at this point to add anything, because having new things just make me completely forget the last thing I was doing, not to mention everything else on the list, but those things get forgotten anyway,s o I might as well have another thing started, which will never get finished, or as it may be, another thing on the list which never gets any more attention than an idea that I should do it sometime. I don't even have the list written down, so that's as far as it goes.

Once again.

I'm still doing it. I've beaten my record for November and equaled December by posting (which I assume at this point I will) today. We'll see if I can make it further still, and in fact if I can make it through the whole month without missing a day. Also if I can make it through January without drinking, not counting the hours after midnight on new year's eve and the few nights there are shows I plan to go to and a drink with dinner once or twice, maybe I have more chance of managing that.

So far this month I haven't actually had anything to write rather than writing for the sake of writing, hence this writing about writing about the project of writing every day that I'm writing about today. Nothing going on my life, no interesting quirky ideas I feel like making a point about, nothing profound not that I ever write anything like that and certainly no brilliant or at least kinda cool ideas I have in the middle of the night that I write out word for witty word in my head as I lay in bed just to be too lazy to write it down the next day until such time has gone by that I've forgotten all the best bits and it's not relevant anymore anyway. Just nothing except for filling up space. I'm hoping this will change for one reason or another.

Worth a try.

I'm going to try to write every day again. At least for a month. I didn't manage it for November or December but it's a new year all shiny and fresh and all that. So there you go. I don't know if it's a good idea or not. If I don't put arbitrary rules in place then I end up not writing at all. If I have the rules then I end up writing every day just for the sake of writing. It's like that with everything, when I do my 365 project or any of that photography related stuff I take a photo every day and most of the time I'm "phoning it in" as they say. At least I think that means something that makes sense in that context, and of course, when I don't have a project, I hardly take them at all. I don't know, if there was only something in the middle, where I'd do things, regularly, but when I do, do them properly, maybe it's just not in me.

Well, I have this year started 2 photography projects, or plan to. I started another 365 days of photos, but not self portraits this time, just photos. So far I've snapped some shots for the sake of it, well I used one just after midnight blurry shot for yesterday and after looking at a few what I thought might be ok photos on the computer and seeing they were actually crap I took a shot of Cooley. So I'm kinda just doing it for the sake of doing it again, and I don't know, but so far, taking random photos seems harder than self portraits. And I thought I'd do a 52 week self portrait project but I haven't really even looked at groups for that or decided on rules, but I'd like to keep doing them regularly, only actual good ones, you know. I'll see if I actually do that one, or continue doing the other one.

Second day in already, and it all seems the same. Of course, it is Jan, which is generally pretty dreary. I'm hoping it's the Jan thing that's making it like this because I really hope this year will be better but for now it's kinda.. bleh.. boring every day stuff to worry about and you know I'm a mess and my life's a mess so it's the more annoying everyday stuff. The usual new year messy inbox problem where all my emails from December revert to having an all digit date including the year, except this time that year is that number, the number of the year the one that just passed and I have to stare at that every time I look at my emails. For a while anyway.

And no one seems to be around, but that's not much of a difference from any time of year.

*turns brain on*

I need to get some sort of, I don't know, recorder thingy, but not a recorder, some kind of thought reminder whatsit, to put beside my bed at night. That or something implanted straight into my brain. Is there something like that? Where can I get it, and is it expensive?

I'm asking because I keep getting, well once or twice I have gotten, really really good ideas, well thought out in magnificent prose, in the middle of the night. Having paper and pen beside the bed just doesn't work, one because I'm not the only one here, that kitty will start whining and knocking things off the table and bugging me to get up to feed her the second I show signs of life, oh and there's Erik, who has to work. Also because I'm lazy, particularly when I'm like, half asleep and warm and snug in bed. A tape recorder or anything with noise doesn't work for the same reasons. I need something that needs neither light, noise or movement. Otherwise it's all lost. All of those.. whatever it was I thought of that I can never recreate quite the same way in the morning, or at all by the time I can be bothered to try to type it out.

Well if you can think of something, because well.. the stuff that's lost it's.. I mean I remember it as being particularly clever.. funny that all the really good material is stuff I think of when I'm in a half asleep daze that I can't remember in it's best form when I'm completely lucid, that is some coincidence. You know.

Well.. no change there then.

It's been slow. Not much gone on, still haven't edited the movie we made in one day last month, did I mention that? Was my last post before or after it? No matter, we did this quite fun and cool thing and now it's the hard work of turning it into something. It will be done, it's just, hard that stuff, you know?

So I'd like to get into the habit of writing again, like, regularly as opposed to at least once a month just so I have an entry, at least one for every calendar allotment of time, so here I am, writing, getting myself into that frame of mind where I write about stuff, any stuff, or even not stuff but just.. something.

This particular post won't be about anything except that, you know, what I just wrote, but I'll be back with something, Maybe even with stuff.

Here we go again.

Another Monday, another fresh start to the week, the opportunity as well as the responsibility to get things done. 9:15 and not much so far, but I'm hoping. Spring starts this week, officially according to the Northern Hemispherean system, it seems. Hopefully there'll be blooms, at least the yellow ones which bloom earlier than the other blooms, I've found oh yeah and a bit of warm weather.. it's been cold for a while now, time for a change. I need to write something. And no I don't mean write something if not worthwhile at least mildly entertaining or at least about something on this blog for once, but something, a book, a play.. something like that. I reckon it'd be good if I like.. had an idea, but I don't even know where to start. Where do I start. Once upon a.. There was once.. In *insert place, geographical or otherwise* Amanda.. (or Chloe or Anastasia or Jane, insert any name really* I... Those are all possible starts, but then what? *goes and thinks about it*

Nothing To Say

So of course, here I am, writing about it on the internet. Nothing new I've been doing this for a while, that is, posting while I have "literally" nothing to say, therefore nothing of note to write. If you bother to read you may have noticed.

I have reasons. I don't really like to share too much. This creates a lot of entries where I talk about something that's going on with someone that might turn into some sort of whatever.. and probably has little to none of what meaningless meaning the version in my head.. with all the details present has, you may have noticed posts like this as well. Sorry, I just, don't want to tell you that much.

It's not that I want the blog to be full of personal stuff.. updates on my (at present extremely) uneventful life, because.. well I don't want that, for the previously stated reason and well, because I don't really want that, nevertheless posts here seem to be either of that kind, minus details, or something about how cold it is.

It wasn't always like this, I used to have a wider scope of topics, once upon a time, but it's been very long now. I just can't do that anymore. I mean, I care about stuff, I'm interested in it, I read about it, sometimes get involved in a very small (post the occasional comment type of thing) way. Important stuff as well as like, funny stuff and stuff, but I can't write about it. I could, if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I don't know why I don't want to. I'm not qualified to, usually, but I could write that stuff, and it wouldn't be half bad. But I don't. And I won't. 

It might be a bit early for this..

but I'm making a half hearted resolution to start writing properly. Lately.. if you've noticed and you probably haven't seeing as you, the public are not reading, as this blog is crap, but if you have then you might have noticed that lately, and by lately I mean something like 2-3 years.. my writing has been little more than the jotting down of thoughts as they come to me...

I mean I used to write proper posts.. I mean, comparatively proper. I even used to have subjects, and write about "stuff" as opposed to what I've been doing, or that I've been doing nothing worth writing about but writing about it anyway, or writing about writing about doing nothing worth writing about.. I could go on.. and I used to write in a slightly more.. shall I say.. readable manner.

I would like to get into the habit of doing that again.. more, is all I'm sayin.

Looks like I'm all alone again.

Just as we move into the particularly dark gloomy days when we all need at least the merest hint that someone, somewhere out there is listening, and cares.

Oh well whatever.. we're all alone in the end, they say. Some of them anyway, or at least one of them. It might be bullshit because they (and quite possibly that particular one) talk a lot of bullshit, but then again.

I'll keep writing and posting dorky photos away though, at least for a while. If for no one but myself.

*slides back into shell*

Too many mistake's people!

I've noticed recently.. and I don't know if it's that I just seem to paying attention to it more, or if it's more prevalent in places I've been reading more lately or there are just more people doing it now.. as opposed to some vague time that came before what I'm putting under the "now" heading but fuck there are a lot of poorly placed apostrophes around!

Try saying that three times quickly.

Poorly placed apostrophes.

I know I've written about this before and for more people it's not the most riveting of subjects.. although for those who find it riveting it is very riveting indeed.. but I just had to say it. I think it might be because.. I dunno, it might be because I'm reading a lot of otherwise well written pieces and comments who have a habit of apostrphying everything that ends in an s, with nary a clue that it's wrong. And people do it more than once in the same text.. so it's clearly not just a typo.. they just don't know!

It's perplexing. There is a lot out there that's just big mess of poorly written, badly spelt, run on paragraphs, all caps grammatically horrific crap... and in those places I don't think anything of yet another mistake.. but why oh why do so many people.. people who otherwise know how to write good.. do this?

Why?