It's been..

It just has. I can't say good or bad or exciting or slow or exquisite because it hasn't, and it has. It's just been.

I seem to be still doing stuff, occasionally, semi regularly. I'm mostly doing the stuff that leads to stuff, only thing is, in my experience, the stuff never happens. Some stuff has, and some stuff will, but the stuff, the real stuff, never seems to pan out. But we'll see. Maybe this will be the month of stuff. Or perhaps next month, it's almost next month I can live with that.

So I'm working a bit, when I can. I go to actual castings well I went to one and I feel like I'm jinxing by mentioning it because it's taken this long to even get one for something real with a line and sort of appointment, but I want it to become a more regular thing, and ultimately, the stuff I want is the stuff it leads to.

Other stuff, well, I've had a long term sporadic correspondence with a person who I finally met the other day and we spoke together in a language that is both our second and I'm not sure if everything was clear, or what the job really is, or when it's supposed to start or if anything is ever going to come of it but that's a thing too, it might actually become a real thing. I won't hold my breath though, I've been much further along in something after having put in weeks and work and study that's not led to anything more, actually that's the story of this year so far so like everything we'll see.

Still hanging on here, still got power on, somehow. That's something.

Stuck in the middle of nothing.

It's another long weekend here in a string of long weekends. It makes not much difference to me, in my room on my computer, except that I wait longer for the world to turn back on.

Longer to not know what is to become of me. Just when I thought I was out of the woods. Not that I know what's so bad about the woods, I think the woods are quite nice, but I suppose that they traditionally
have wolves and other predators that I'd be better off keeping a safe distance from, so I should get out of them. I tried, and I thought I'd succeeded but, to inject other oft used metaphor, I counted my chickens which were very close or seemed about to hatch. They didn't, I mean they might still but it's taking time.

Really it was too good to be true, I succeeded in no less than 3 things in quite a short amount of time, with other opportunities in the background, which turned out not to work out, but by the time I knew that I had a few other notches under my belt (sorry, I think that one is both inappropriate and incorrect as well as being overkill) so I was able to throw off a couple of rejections with a pragmatic shrug. I got lazy (not a huge deviation for me) and didn't scour the internet for more opportunities with quite the gusto I had been, because well, I didn't need to anymore.

And now I sit here, waiting, wondering if any of it will actually turn into anything. I have anywhere between one and 6 jobs, if you include stuff that I've done and could do but probably won't again very soon, stuff that I do occasionally, stuff that I might do occasionally if I get lucky, something I did and thought I'd be invited to do again sooner than the time between then and now, 2 things I've negotiated and communicated about but haven't done yet and... that's it really. And the one that I most confidently say I have, that's not a sure thing.

So who knows. I could be doomed. It sounds bad but I've been doomed before and I seem to have survived it.

Happy May

It's a holiday again. The first day o' May, and I was working all day. Ok ok, don't fall off your chair, I was really working. Real hard type work, standing serving people, making sandwiches and stuff. Well just sandwiches, and only partially making them. Taking money, ringing the thing into the thing even though I didn't know what people ordered most of the time. Apparently I did ok, I felt I was flustered and floundering and forgetful, which I was but first day yanno. This might be a thing I could be doing semi regularly, along with teaching, proofreading, acting sometimes even and modelling. Yes, I'm a model, did I tell you that? Not a real one, don't be silly, just one who gets her kit off for an art class. It's something, and it's money.

Between the lot of them, or at least between the ones that have some chance of continuing and being done with some regularity, along with whatever else might come along if I keep looking, I'll probably be ok. Not great but ok.

I'm gonna have to be ok with ok for the moment. Greatness comes later.

Change is afoot.

I just made a big change. Thing is, I'm not sure it's going to take, exactly. Time will tell. I made this change, I'd like to say triumphantly but seeing as it's due to me failing at life yet again, I'm not sure I can claim that. Again, time will tell. Yes, yet again I've fucked up, or not so fucked up, fucking up has a kind of art to it, people who are fabulously disastrous, people with great highs and lows, people you notice that have a weird and wonderful if sometimes difficult life. What I've done is just amble along, not being good enough and sinking down to generally just below average in a totally not worth writing home about boring manner. It's what I always do. And here I am. So I tried to take control of the situation, allowing me to keep a tiny semblance of pride. Perhaps it's a bad idea, in fact, I know it's a bad idea, but not doing this is also a bad idea and which one is a worse I have no idea, so I chose to do what I damn well felt like, and I don't know if it worked. I even fucking fail at fucking quitting, how does one manage that? The near future should let me know more of what my greater future will behold, but as for now I have to wait until they let me know.

I need a desk job.

Somewhere well heated/air conditioned, and comfy, preferably home (and home would have to be made considerably comfy, of course), doing something that's not terribly difficult but still interesting, that is cool and meaningful, and pays really really well for about, er, not too many hours a week. This whole wandering around the city, being outside at the mercy of the elements is not working for me. It seems like yesterday, or at least a few months ago when I was whining incessantly about the heat. Then there was rain, and more heat, and it got cold, then warm again, and windy and.. well now it's cold. Really cold. Being winter that should not be so surprising, but I still have to go out there, wait around, freezing, and then go home without making any money, or worse, stay out for a few more hours as I shiveringly tell a bunch of shivering people stuff about stuff. It's more than slightly vexing. And you'd think this too hot/too cold would only be a small part of it, wouldn't you? You'd think, ok, winter and summer can get cold/hot, but sometimes it's mild and as long as you're dressed appropriately you're fine. Sure there are those extreme temps but only so many days, and then there's spring and autumn, positively lovely for walking! There's rain sometimes but there are umbrellas. You'd think that the far majority of the time it would be within the realm of reasonable walking weather. Well you'd be wrong. Or at least you'd seem wrong. I can't for the life of me understand where autumn and the mild winter and all of that went. It was so bloody hot not so long ago and now it's unbearably cold, like it was when i started next year. What happened to that 80-98% of pleasant walking (as long as you're dressed right for it and I at least, if people on the tour don't always, have the resources to get that right) weather? It doesn't exist, that's what. Maybe there are about 3 days of it but that's it. Three lovely days where you'd choose to go for a walk if you had the time off, otherwise, you'd stay in, watch telly, or maybe go to the pub if it's close enough, but that's it. Unfortunately, I'm stuck out there.

Apologies for the last post..

or whatever that was. I promise I will never do it again. Never, ever, ever. And I don't have my fingers crossed behind my back as I'm typing this, honest. It just came out.. I was doing this responsible type sort of management job for my company because they were short staffed and I had to fill in even though it's not my job and it's the sort where you have to be responsible and stuff, and work, and get things done and fill things in and all that, and it sucks. And I was shit at it. I'd like to blame the boss because I wasn't really prepared properly and I will, it's her fault. I'm also useless at this but the manager should have been able to tell that. Anyway, that's all.

so yeah...

when you get someone to do something, even if you're absolutely desperate and there's literally no one to do it and they have to even though they're not experienced at it, not terribly good at this sort of thing and very busy doing other stuff at the very same time ie the stuff they usually do which they're kind of good at in some ways but not the ways that are similar to the other thing you want them to do almost simultaneously as that thing and you don't have much time to explain it all to them let alone give them proper training for it you should at least send that email with the passwords they need before they go to the office the next day, oh and mention all the stuff, that stuff you need from the emails they need to access with that password, and maybe make a list of the stuff that needs to be done that you went through once the day before except for that one thing you need access to the emails they don't have the password for anyway and send that list, written like. Oh and let them know that the landlady is going to be showing up the next day to do cleaning and shut you out half the day. And preferably get her to do it another day. Among other thing. I'm tired.

It's that time of year..

where people who depend entirely on the summer busy season for their livelihood will have to find something else to do in the not summer and subsequently not as busy season in order to earn something that can realistically be considered a livelihood. I'm one of those people.

Well..

It's been hot here. You might have experienced something similar to what I have been experiencing if you live anywhere relatively near me, if we're talking a world wide scale. Fucking hot. Oh, and it's the week I've had to work more than usual, you know, work, which for me means walking around outside taking groups which range from kinda small to huge to places which rarely have shade and are not often very near drinkable water to tell them in an informative and entertaining way facts about those places and the buildings and monuments in them along with history and stories related to them. Two of those a day, in fact. Now it's cooled down. I am happy about that.

Could it be?

I'm starting to really not like not having anything to do. I don't mean in a "I'm bored" whine that you do all the time when you're a kid or adolescent or young adult or still considerably older person than that if you're that kind of person which I am, and it is something I do, but I mean more like a.. I actually think I prefer days that I have to work. Now I'm not saying I like work, or my job. I still hate having to go in, still get nervous about doing it, and bitch to myself quietly while half heartedly trying to plaster a smile over my face while I'm waiting for people. I do sometimes actually enjoy it all, or at least not mind it so much while I'm doing it, but that has been the case all along, I don't like it more or less than I ever have, but this particular thing, is something else. It definitely has to do with a lack of motivation. I don't seem to get anything done on days off. Things I need to do, practical things I feel I should be doing to improve things and stuff I would really like to be the sort of person who engages in, you know, like music and stuff. I never get that shit done. There's more though. I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't just not get around to doing what I should do, I never seem to do what I really want to do either. now, sometimes, it's convenience or cost that is the problem, and that could be the case, but I just don't know. The biggest deal is that I just don't know what I really want. Small things yes.. to be on the computer reading, replying, watching things, reading about the things I watched, getting a snack. I like those things and I usually manage to do some of those things, but the bigger stuff. That's my problem. What is this all for? Why am I even here, where am I going? Do I even like it here and is there something to look forward to? I could work on that thing, but what the fuck is it? There really isn't a point is there? I should just work on being at peace with that and maybe I'll be ok. For the moment, snacks and tv are just going to have to do.

*feels all hardcore and stuff*

I've just done like, 6 days in a row, and 2 of them sick! *feels all proud and stuff* *coughs* Best thing about it, apart from the actual being sick bit, is now I have some days off.. ooh luxury. Of course, I need to spend the majority of the time learning a new script that I need under my proverbial belt by Friday, which I won't, but I have to, but still, after getting 2 large groups the last 2 days, exactly when I was feeling light headed and woozy and really didn't need that, it'll be good to not have to leave the house and engage with real live people for a while. Now that's luxury. Maybe I'm in the wrong profession :/

Like I said..

I've been busy. I feel like I've been working long hours every day in a row for weeks and weeks. In reality, I'm on my 5th day in a row today, and I do usually 3/4 hours, or 7/8 every couple of days, which I know is not that impressive, indeed lazy hours for normal people, but in my defense, it has been very hot, and my job takes me outdoors, in the baking sun, up hills and round bends and.. actually there's not too much climbing hills either. Ok so I'm a lightweight, but I have been busy working every day and so, not much time to check in. At least not after the beers I generally have until late at night after work most days, so that's my excuse. It hasn't been so bad though, despite the heat, and the doing work part of it, it's been kind of fun really although I've come to the point where I need at least a brief rest from telling the same shit about the same stuff yet again for the nth time, n being 5, if you're talking days in a row. One more day and then, well I don't know, next week is a mystery. If people return and get over weird mysterious illnesses, I might go back to being someone more similar to myself, ie a lazy person who only works a few days. I'm kind of looking forward to that. And the rain, I really would like it to rain.

That's Life.

Well, it seems things have pretty much changed. Barely a week ago I was in a funk, a slump, a.. something else that means more or less the same thing with one syllable that has a snappy sound. Then circumstances changed and that particular thing went away.

Then I was required to be places, and travel on buses, early! I wouldn't anymore have any free time to do my own thing over the day, from chillin in comfort to doing all the research and study and practice and editing and writing that I totally intended to do every day that would bring.. well that eventually would lead to something. And of course, starting something new is always stressful for me. I started and it seemed I was going ok, then I wasn't sure, then I'm in that position I always am with everything where I'm not sure about something, don't know whether to ask or just do it or what. still, seemed to work out so far.

Then I got a phone call about one of those annoying, worrying things to do with official stuff that now I have to worry about. Actually it was something I already had to worry about just now I have to worry about it more.

So, life goes on. Had a weekend, fun and relaxing despite the things I had to worry about, but I lost my hat. a day trip that took me out of the city for the first time this year, I think. That was pleasant, I have lots of photos. Then back to work. Still no progress on the thing I need to worry about more, nice of them to call on a Friday before a Monday I would be out of town.... and I didn't get my hat back.

Now today I'm working from home, for about who knows how long, it's raining, which doesn't bother me too much, considering the timing works out for me. No money yet, and I've completely ran out of my film money from the summer but we have plenty of stuff in the house for once so I can live with that. Soon, when I get the link I will start doing what I'm supposed to do the next few days and see if it's really difficult or annoying or interesting or if it takes me so much longer to do it than usual or what. So, a bit of this a bit of that, worries, joy, loss, fun stuff. That's just life. I really would like my hat back though.

Working Day

It's Monday, yet again and time to get to work!

Yes, I'm getting to that. Not, work necessarily, as in going to a location where I perform tasks which it has been heretofore agreed upon that I will do for the benefit of receiving a certain amount of money for a specific period of time, or per task or group of tasks. Nor is it work in the sense that I do a particular thing that is of use to someone somewhere for which I receive again, a certain amount of money etc etc.. and make a habit of it, ie, what is often referred to as "working for oneself". No, it's neither of those kinds of work. Important point being, no money is procured out of any of this.

It is also not work in the sense that I'm trying to, by way of modern forms of communication find out if well.. anyone out there, who's willing and able to pay, needs the application of skills I am in possession of. No, not doing that. I should be, in fact, I intend to be all the time, it just somehow doesn't happen.

This Monday (as most Monday are) has been more of a.. well, thinking about getting those particular things done and feeling worse about not doing them and worrying more, than I do say, by Thursday or so. It shouldn't really make a difference. The few and far between listings of anything I could actually do, which is also something that doesn't require a whole lot of or (or usually any) experience or qualifications which I usually (let's just say never) don't have, which is also something that I'm confident enough about being able to do that I won't definitely screw it up due to nerves, and just as I'm starting to feel ok about it, and I'm being stupid about being so paranoid they're going to dump me any minute, I get the gentle message that.. sorry dear, it's not working out can show up any day of the week, though not many weeks, as one might imagine.

So yeah, didn't do that. I did clear the computer a bit though, swept the floor a bit, and edit some photos, and I wrote this so the fact I didn't work, look for work, edit any of the about 20 by now videos, movies or shows we've filmed, do any language practice, go out into the world and walk, take photos or anything, look up monologues, classes, read something educational, make lists about all the things I should be doing so I remember to do them and allocate days or times for particular things so I don't feel like I should be doing all of it in one day so I never do any of it.. is.. um, where was I? Yeah.

I think I need to use shorter sentences. I think I'm confusing myself.

Well fuck.. this blog is dead, I think.

It's been a month. A whole month! Well, minus almost 10 hours but that's quite a long time to go without posting, for me. Just haven't been, I dunno, in the frame of mind.

A month ago I was busy, I was working, getting used to the new swing of things, braving the heat out on the street, but things were pretty positive. I think it's about a day after I last wrote that things began to edge downhill. Maybe 3 days I dunno, but well.. I don't want to whine but.

I still think I'm pretty good at it, tour guiding that is. In fact, I know I'm at least good to fucking great depending on the day, usually somewhere in between, but the powers that be don't seem to think so, at least I think they don't think so, it's hard to tell, they don't tell us anything.

Just things, it started small, then I got over that but something else smallish came up, that turned out to be bigger, then something completely fucked up which for a while didn't seem to matter then the other thing came back and mattered eve more than I thought it had or well.. actually I don't know, there's something the matter but I really don't know exactly what and just how much.

So I don't know where I stand at the moment, it's stressful and does a number on my confidence which I don't have much of in the first place, and well.. I'm going to be honest here, I'm a wallower.. and hearing that I'm basically shit in one way or the other, both this job related and otherwise, again and again, when I'm just desperate to for once hear some good news... plunges me into the depths of.. well wallowing. I shouldn't do that, I know, it's unproductive, but, it's true I do that.

Oh I went to Slovakia for the first time, the other day. Been living here over 10 years and never been to Slovakia, can you believe that? Well I have now. To Bratislava. Just for one day, for a purpose, not mine, but finally the purpose was a good one, so we went together and made it a nice day.

I do have another audition today, I think. It might even be a callback from the last time I went to one that I thought I'd not been considered at, but I'm not sure. Not sure of anything. It's pretty much how things usually are for me, I don't even know what's happening in my own life. I should do something about that too.

I might write again soon, but I don't know.

Things should be less like this.

It's so hard to do something simple. well, not something simple but something that should be simple.. perhaps not simple necessarily but.. well should not exist. Like.. I'm happy with training, learning, getting better at something but to have to call up someone to get a piece of paper who may or may not sort it out for you and who knows how long it'll take so you can even so much as start the process of getting something else which you need to get a bunch of other stuff for which you also need the initial thing for just to even go and do the thing you're (not yet what's the point, but will be) training for.. well. It sucks. I mean.. All I want to do is work for an honest day's pay.. and they won't let me! Well.. if I do all this stuff..

Oh and people should get back to you about stuff. Even just one person out of 5 that you email.. seriously, if you're one of 5 people or business or whatever someone has recently emailed about a job or an offer.. reply to them, ok, cos maybe none of the others did and it sucks when no one does.

It was a nice day today though..

So..

no more pissing about..

no, none at all.

this time i mean it..

took my time doing stuff the last week or so before leaving.. got a few obstacles in the way.. then I was away for a week..

then it was Friday, then it was the weekend.

I swear there will be no more pissing about.

Truly.

flutters about the head..

It's the day o little pink hearts fluttering about everywhere, cartoony music playing as a fat little fellow wanders along oblivious to all except for that one person that makes them all dreamy eyed and stuff.. their valentine. Yeah yeah, it's that day. It's been pretty uneventful but will be doing the "going out for dinner" thing, which will be nice, cos it's been a while since I did that.. and there should be some drinks involved, I'm into that. There are things fluttering about my head.. kind of, annoying things and the things that I use to push those annoying things out.. the usual boring red tape and money related crap.. my brief moment of excitement and joy upon quitting the other job that I feel now sometimes I should not have been so hasty to, is over. I kinda have another job if I want it and have well.. other stuff I need for it, but, there's other stuff I need for it.. I got the experience the talent, the desire to do it but.. one other thing, which involves more money, hassle.. er.. the possibility that it won't work at all so.. grrr but otherwise.. other than that and the other thing that's bothering me, things are cool.. had some nice snowfall.. going to a lovely Valentines dinner, taking off to sunny Israel in less than a week.. or just about a week. So yeah.. the things fluttering about don't have to be negative ones, they're just there.

And that wraps it up for that.

Another chapter of my life has closed. It was an exciting, arduous, eye opening er.. couple of days but.. well perhaps it wasn't really that, it was just.. ok in a nutshell I"m a quitting quitter who quits, quittingly. yeah I quit. After a measly 3 days, well 4 and a bit, 2 of doing the actual work, well, after less than an hour altogether doing what the actual work is.

Many reasons, beginning with but not limited to.. don't fucking like it. Was not a good starter at this and as it was something I never really intended to do for long, didn't feel it was necessary to invest the time to be a not anymore starter who';s actually kind of ok at this.. and go through all the anguish just to quiet when something better came along.. waste everyone's time etc etc. There are other things I want to do, things that seem to be on the horizon and might be happening soon though I really shouldn't count my chickens well I sort of already have in a way but it is true that this was, well would have if it had gone on for longer, gotten in the way of things I want/need to do, and I know that's grammatically a mess but it did, would have, well it did, there were a few little things I didn't go for because I thought I'd be working on the day.. actually yeah.. 3 days and there are like, 3 things.. 3 things! Small things but 3 things I turned down, not that I'd have gotten them probably and it's not such a big deal but that's a lot of things for that short amount of time. So there's that, and I am starting other things, hopefully very soon though I know I shouldn't count on it because it's gone so swimmingly well for me in the past, yes that was sarcastic.

But mainly, and it really doesn't matter that the last paragraph makes no sense at all because the main reason was.. I didn't like it. Not doing it. Didn't do it really, only very little.

So that's it. On to the next chapter.

Off I go again.

Today's my first full proper day. Well I've been there 3 full days already, but it's been training. Today I start at the proper time, and go until 10pm and I'll be on the phone all day, well most of the day, still a little bit o training along with it but it's like 9 fucking hours on the phone! for the most part. Yesterday I did it for almost 20 minutes and that was about as much as I could stand, well, more really.

I don't want to do this. I have to do this. I don't want to do this, but I have to. I DON'T WANT TO TO DO THIS! I should do this, I really should.. but I don't want to.