Sunday, April 30, 2006

I prefer to eat them myself.

It's Science Sunday. I don't usually post on this subject as I know nothing about it, but I want to use this space to refute an exciting new development in Intelligent Design theory, the banana argument.

The link is to a video where Kirk Cameron, who you may know from the 80s television masterpiece "Growing Pains" and some Kiwi guy present to us "the atheist's nightmare", the banana.

First of all the banana because of some grooves in it, is the perfect shape for the human hand, because of some grooves in it. The banana skin also has an ideal non-stick surface which makes it easy to thrust the banana through your gripped hand repeatedly, as some Kiwi guy demonstrates to us. It is colour coded, making it easy for you to know when the banana is ready for consumption and it has a special tab on the top which makes it easy to peel, without the contents squirting in your face. Once peeled the revealed banana "has a point at the top for easy entry, it's just the right shape for the human mouth, it's chewy, easy to digest and it's even curved towards the face to make the whole process that much easier". Oh and the wrapper is bio-degradable. Nice one God.

Ok he made some good points but, in my opinion, if God designed the banana it wasn't exactly intelligently, in fact I think he might have been drunk that day.

For instance. Why yellow? What kind of colour is that for something you want to stick in your mouth? A bit garish and over the top isn't it?

Ok, right shape for the mouth, easy entry good, good, but why is soft and mushy so ideal? Sure, it's easy on the teeth, but where's the fun in it? Wouldn't it be better if the banana was edible right from the tree? It wouldn't have to be peeled at all, it would be just sitting there on the tree, (preferably a short one that you don't have to kill yourself climbing) ready to eat. You could take your time with it, savoring the flavour more, as well as enjoying the smooth sensation of it's ideal for the mouth curve for longer. And who says you don't want the contents to squirt in your face? I thought that was half the fun?

Well, judging by the way Some Kiwi Guy handles his banana you'd think that. And what kind of name is Rob Comfort anyway?

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Not all cats are grey.


MC: Cool or not?
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.
This is me in my jaunty cap. This cap can be referred to in many different ways but I like to refer to it as jaunty.

For those out there who are Flickerers, (and for those who aren't, why not?) please join my groups, Give me your ears and Pointlessness. No special reason, I just want to feel popular.

Just so I don't leave you with a completely substance-less post, here's something I didn't write:

Dreadlocked guy: I'm a customer and you're saying I can't use the restroom?

Ambiguously ethnic deli owner: You can't use it this often. You come here every day and stay there for 20-25 minutes. I don't know what you're doing in there.

Dreadlocked guy: Well if you want to get so technical, the first time I was taking a dump.

If anyone can help explain what "ambiguously ethnic" means, I would greatly appreciate it.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Now I'm truly fornicated.

The saga of finding someone to share my flat with me has reached a new level. That of being truly fucked, as opposed to me just being pissed off that I have to worry about such things and there being a slight possibility that I mightn't find someone.

Now there's a rather considerable possibility that I might find someone. I've had 2 people over the last month that expressed interest and would get back to me, didn't get back to me so I obviously they decided they didn't want it.

Last week I finally spoke with the landlord, told him all of my worries, and we figured something out, not sure exactly what but it's along the lines of I can stay one month without making out a contract and paying the deposit he wants, and then we can figure out what we're going to do, but if I am going to move out I need to tell him quick so he can rent it to someone else.

Of course this depends on if I find someone to share the place, because I'm not paying the full rent. I can if I want but I absolutely am not going to spend my money on space I don't need because I've gotten into this bullshit situation. Anyway I reposted my ad, got quite a response. Some of the people weren't interested once I explained the setup of the flat, some I didn't bother to answer because they either seemed dodgy or were asking questions that led me to believe they wouldn't be interested, but I set up a few viewings for last night that seemed promising.

So, I had 3 people scheduled to come over last night. The first one has a friend coming a month who she wants to share the space with. I agreed to show it to her on the possibility that I might go after a month and they could share the whole flat together, but they don't want to stay for very long so it's unlikely the landlord would want to give one of them a contract. I felt kind of silly showing someone a place that I'm unsure of the situation with, which I think is a setback. That and I'm kind of embarrassed to show people a space which I would never rent myself, or rent out if it was my own doing.

The second one didn't show up, didn't send a message to explain or anything. The third person delayed the appointment by an hour, which wasn't a problem. She'd just gotten back to Prague so we'd sent a bunch of emails back and forth so she had a full explanation about the place and all the information necessary. As I was waiting for her to show up I got an sms asking how to get to the flat from the metro station. I was slightly annoyed because I figured she'd have enough time to figure out where it is and how to get there, and she could have asked in one of the many emails she wrote, but I told her what tram to get and what stop to get off. Luckily I even knew as I never take trams because everywhere I go is so close.

A little later I got another message basically asking how to get to my street. Then I was really pissed off. I'm not very good at giving directions anyway and especially not in an sms. I ignored it and thought she'll call if she has to, then I'll explain it. She sent another couple of messages asking the same questions and finally called so I told her how to get there, she showed up a few minutes later.

So, I showed the flat, everything that's in there, explained about the internet and everything else that was relevant. She just said she didn't like it because it wasn't a private room. Stupid me, thought that I'd explained it clearly and she well knew that beforehand.

Anyway I decided to fuck it, I'll just move. I know of a place near here that offers rooms on a month by month basis that I could probably move to without much problem. I could stay as long as I like which would give me plenty of time to find another, more permanent place. When I got on the internet this morning I found their link again, checked out the website and it said they had rooms available. A little more than I would like to pay for what it is but it's ok for a while.

So I called them, just to be told that there were no rooms available from May the 1st. Great.

So now I'm pretty fucked. I probably have to post the ad again and just hope that someone who hasn't already seen it and rejected it will contact me. Then I have to answer all their questions and show the flat to the few out of them that are still interested. I'll probably have to share with someone who wants it short term, or someone who can't stand the thought of someone being in their room so I won't have a living room and kitchen anymore. They won't be willing to take over the contract in a month so I'll have to do it and I'll be stuck with it.

That or I can look for a flat to move into in a couple of days. Of course when I was concentrating on renting a room in my place there were tons of great flatshares available that were competition for mine. Now they seem to be all gone.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Anything you like as long as it's pink

I've been trying to shop a bit lately. It's something I don't do that often, partly because I don't have too much money, partly because I'm lazy and rarely tear myself away from the computer, and largely because it annoys me. Even if I was considerably more well off, it's entirely possible that I'd live in the same old clothes for years.

I can't do it forever though, I really need new stuff. Most of my clothes are well worn, and more importantly I don't really have any that I like. Fortunately I have a bit of money to spend so I'm able to get new things.

But what? Everything, and I mean every single piece of clothing in the stores is awful! I can't find a single thing I like. Ok I haven't been looking that hard, I give up pretty quickly. One thing I've been trying get is a new bag. I own one big bulky bag which I don't want to carry around everywhere, I'd like to get a nice little compact one, just big enough for everything I need. I've seen a few which are exactly that, small, affordable, and have a design that I like. Problem is they're all PINK! And white too. Those are the only 2 colours they come in. I've seen a few other similar ones I like the style of but they also come in a variety of different colours, every one of which I hate and AREN'T BLACK!

All I ask for is a nice, small black bag. You wouldn't think it's so hard to find one. There are plenty of black bags of course, but I don't like any of them, they're too big, have an awful design, have sequins and ugly patterns all over them, have a dinky little strap that you can't put on your shoulder. Everything except for the type of bag which is all over the place except not in black.

It's the same with clothes. For some reason pants which are sort of long but short and kind of puffy seem to be in. I'm not sure what they look like on a human because I've never tried them on, but on a rack they look awful. And I see that all the time because that's ALL THERE FUCKING IS! And they're pink half the time too. All I want is a pair of straight, long pants, in black or some inoffensive dark colour. Of course I can't fucking find them.

And this pink is everywhere. Not a dark rich pink, (which I wouldn't wear anyway), but pale pink. And it's often teamed with white. I've seen it on the racks and on actual people. I was amazed when I first saw a woman decked out all in pale pink and white, right down to shoes and bag back in early spring, but by now I've become desensitized.

I'll try again I suppose. I'll give it another shot. It's really just as well I'm not rich, it would be maddening to have all that money without having anything to spend it on.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

But I only cook sausages ma.

You might remember yesterday that I was feeling lazy and couldn't be bothered to write down all the brilliant stuff that I'd thought of the night before. Well, This is not that stuff. This is some other crap I thought up about the same time.

Via Pandagon I found this letter to Dear Abby, which moved me.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.

I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA
Abby replies basically saying that cooking doesn't make you gay and don't worry about what Dobson says, bla bla bla. Bullshit! This woman needs help, not some wishy washy reassurance that everything is going to be ok. So I thought I'd supply that help.

This is my letter to WORRIED MOM.
Dear Worried Mom.
Are you mad? Your husband is cooking and cleaning like a friggin maid and you're wasting time writing to me about your son? News flash! If cooking and cleaning make you gay then YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY! You are married to a gay man, get out of this marriage immediately.

The first thing you must do is get your son out of this environment immediately. A boarding school, a Christian or military establishment where the punishments are strict and harsh should be ideal, and quickly overrule any of the negative influence you have irresponsibly let your husband have on your son.

Then you can work on getting a divorce. Do this as quickly and cleanly as you can while securing full custody of your son and all of your husbands money. This shouldn't be difficult as the courts are so biased in favour of women in divorce, which is TOTALLY OK in this case.

We have a problem, you are now a single mother. I don't want to go into all the problems that can cause, I would be here all day, what we must focus on now is to get you married again as soon as possible. I must be done quickly but it must be done right, God knows you fucked up the first time so this time you have to be careful.

What you need is a manly man, a man who likes sports and cars and doesn't bother himself with women's work. Someone big and strong and filthy, truckdrivers are a good bet. Plumbers, construction workers, any blue collar worker should be a good start.

Once you get your trucker/plumber/builder home, you need to test him. Just his profession isn't enough to make you sure, we don't want one of the Village People do we? Try inviting him over early, while you're still in the kitchen. When he comes in give him a drink and let him sit down and watch TV. If he chooses anything but beer and sports, forget about him.

After about half an hour ask if he can help in the kitchen a bit. If he flat out refuses saying that he don't do no stinkin' women's work, and sits there smoking and farting, you're on a winner, you can marry him tomorrow. If he comes into the kitchen and cooks up a storm, kick him out.

If he comes into the kitchen and sheepishly potters around looking helpless, ask him to boil water. If he literally cannot do it he deserves a chance, he's probably just trying to impress you as you're still in the courting stage. If this happens just giggle and say "silly me, asking a man to do women's work, you go back and watch television, I'll tell you when dinner's ready". If he breathes a sigh of relief, he's good.

Now you can get married. You're the wife of a manly man, and it's time to bring little Johnny home. He's safe now. Make sure your man knows what his duties towards his new son are. Discipline and throwing a football around, beyond that childraising is your job. None of that comforting and nurturing shit, in fact when he comes crying to you about something, it's a good idea to send him to his dad to be told that boys don't cry and be beaten around a bit.

If you do all of this, your son should be just fine. If he still turns out gay in spite of all of this, then there's something else unspeakably terrible about you that you're not letting on about.
A much more helpful letter don't you think?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A splash of colour


Climbing the walls
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.
Because I've been so lazy today I'm going to be lazy again. Here's a photo I took kinda recently. It's particularly fitting for a blog/photo whore of my stature because it links to a photo that links to a post of mine that most likely has a link in it that has something to do with me.

Like my toes?

Yawn

It's just a lazy Monday. Er, Tuesday I think. Doesn't matter. The days of the week are meaningless, just an arbitrary construct created by "them".

I had the most brilliant post, in fact posts entirely written in my head last night. Interesting important stuff, dealing with issues that are relevant to the times we live, but I forgot it all.

Actually I didn't forget it all and I could write it all out, quite faithful to my original thoughts, or at least equal if I bothered, but I can't be bothered.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Don't leave Cartman's kitty behind.

I know, again. Sorry I couldn't resist.

Girl #1: So where's Matt?
Guy #1: I don't know, is he outside?
Girl #2: I don't think so...
Matt: Hey everybody! I'm back, I got the dildo!

--Top of the Empire State Building


Overheard by: brian h
Are they from South Carolina perhaps?

Who wants a pie?

I'm feeling a bit depressed again. Well not really depressed just sort of indescribable. I don't know why.

For some reason I've been feeling almost positive recently, as if my life is actually moving in a direction that is not entirely incompatible with the one I wish it to move in. There is no reason for this, things have been pretty much the same as always, (IA kind of sucks) except for the recent problem of needing someone to move into my flat which is still up in the air, which you would think is a negative thing, because it is. Nevertheless I've been feeling ok.

But no more. I'm down again. No reason, everything is exactly the same as it was yesterday. And the day before, and the day before that, except for the small day to day changes that happen every day.

I probably won't be getting a computer now. They're more expensive than I thought. That's probably what's pissing me off.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Damn Buddhists!

New York City sure is a tough place, even the nuns are kinda mean.

Nun: Can you spare some change for St. Patrick's Orphanage?
Asian girl #1: Sorry
Asian girl #2: Sorry
Nun: Damned chinks are all the same.

--American Burger, 32nd & 6th

Oh dear, language ladies, language. Don't be picking up bad habits.

(Pause while everyone groans).

Here's a photo I took the other day of my fountain, minus Clive of course, who is still missing.

Gargoyles

Saturday, April 22, 2006

About bloody time, where the hell have you been?


Leaves
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.
I was wandering around yesterday and came across this tree. Well the tree is always there but I was rather surprised to see that it, as well as some of the other trees has leaves. This is something that one would have expected a month ago but it's only now happening.

So it's here. The trees are green and the fountain is founting, though without Clive. It's getting warm and it doesn't rain every day.

Usually at this time of year, at the first sign of warm-ish type weather people come out full force in their shorts and sunglasses as if they're desperately trying to convince themselves that it's not just a little bit warm, but actually hot, because if it isn't quite yet, it will be soon enough.

I didn't really see that today though it's quite warm. People were mostly wearing jeans, perhaps a t-shirt without a jacket, but it's as if they don't really trust it, sure it's warm and not raining right now, but shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it started flooding or if it snowed again at this point. Better keep the sandals at the back of the cupboard.

At least on Vyvoleni, the reality show they went for it. Yesterday they were hanging out by the pool in their bikinis and tight little crotch grabbing shorts, making the most of things. Good to know someone still trusts that there might be a summer.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Update

Well one guy looked at the flat yesterday. The other one already found something.

He liked it but needed to know if the landlord can give him some documentation he needs for work, I didn't know so I said I'd get back with him today. I didn't see my roommate last night or today so I had to sms him to find out if he'd even spoken to the landlord yet and if he knew anything about this. He didn't know so I called the landlord and explained everything to him, he said he wasn't sure about the document thing, he'd have to speak to the guy himself, so I sent another sms to the prospective client and explained it to him, and asked if he wanted the landlord's number.

That was about 3 hours ago and I haven't gotten an answer. He probably just took one of the other places he looked at and isn't going to bother contacting me. So now I have to start all over again and just might not get someone in time, I hate people and I wish they'd all die.

And my internet is working really slowly today. Life sucks,

I think I'll go jump in the fountain, what else is there to do? Luckily it's warm.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Grumble free post

It's a lovely day. The sun is shining, it's warm and I'm pretty much over the sniffles and sneezes I've been suffering through all week. I've also heard from a reliable source that my fountain is spurting again, (though I'm unsure yet if Clive the missing gargoyle has returned yet). It's official. Spring is here!

It's almost the weekend again and it might just stay sunny for a few days, and I might just stay not sick as well. I might actually do something fun for once! Apart from just have sex that is. Not that I'm complaining about that, it's just that I might want to do something else as well, like, erm nevermind the sex thing will do, but it's nice to know that it's a sunny day, or at least it was while you're doing it. Anyway, It should be spring by now fucking for the fun of it Saturday is almost here so I'm definitely in for a good weekend, regardless of the weather.

I have 2 people coming to see the flat this evening, and a couple of others who remain interested so it looks just possible that I may have someone to help me with the burden of that ludicrous "rent" thing that the landlord expects me to pay.

Of course maybe neither of them will want it, and perhaps none of the other people who have so far expressed interest will want it either and I will be fucked again. Whoops, sorry. Til tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Whew, remembered just in time.

Just as well, or God would be having my ass for breakfast.

Yes, it's Wednesday and that means Bible Study. This weeks offering.

Daniel 2:20... "Daniel answered and said, Blessed be the name of God for ever and ever: for wisdom and might are his: 2:21 And he changeth the times and the seasons: he removeth kings, and setteth up kings: he giveth wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding: 2:22 He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him."
a) God is good, worship Him. God is wise, he knows everything. He controls everything. He knows everything.

b) We know that God made everything and is all Good, so we must believe that. I know that there are a lot of horrible things happening in the world and it doesn't make any sense but just don't think about it, let it all out of your head and think of some nice things that Jesus said that seem right so it means the rest of it must be right. Right? I knew you'd understand.

c) God is all powerful and he's all good, therefore everything he says is right and good and if he says all faggots must die and all whores must suffer then that is right and good. Doesn't matter about the rest of it, all that matters is that all faggots must die and all whores must suffer. Oh and I didn't evolve from a monkey, anyone who says that must die and suffer as well.

Your turn.

I didn't want to kill him, I only wanted to eat him.

The penis eater is back in the news.

A sex expert at the retrial of a German cannibal jailed for killing a man and feeding on his flesh said Tuesday the defendant had not been motivated by a desire to kill but by his victim's wish to be eaten.
He's really quite a nice guy, and such a considerate lover.
Armin Meiwes, who was jailed two years ago for killing a computer engineer who had begged to be eaten, is standing trial for the second time after Germany's top criminal court ruled that his eight-year sentence for manslaughter was too lenient.
You know, I like to think I'm quite open about people's sexual preferences and usually don't judge them on it, but this is just kind of, German.
Meiwes's defense hinges on his victim's request to be eaten and that he was simply fulfilling this desire, a view backed up by a sex psychologist who addressed the court in Frankfurt.
Hmm. Well, the guy did consent to be eaten, and he is an adult.
Meiwes's defense hinges on his victim's request to be eaten and that he was simply fulfilling this desire, a view backed up by a sex psychologist who addressed the court in Frankfurt.
Right so it's the mother's fault. And the father's sort of but we never really pay much attention to what they do.

The faint hearted can quit reading now.

At an earlier hearing in January, Meiwes told judges how he had severed Brandes's penis and that both had tried to eat it, without success, although Meiwes later ate flesh from the body.

After heavy bleeding, Brandes finally fell unconscious. Believing his victim to be dead Meiwes laid his victim out on a bench and plunged a knife into his neck.

He said that only when he later saw his videotape of killing did he realize that Brandes had still been faintly breathing.

Shit, I would have thought he'd be just fine.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm fucked.

I'm screwed. I'm shagged, humped, banged and buggered.

I've been boinked, ridden, rooted, plunged and Mr Wobbly has hidden his helmet.

I'm lost in a moist, sloshy, slippery wet lesbian threesome, in fact I'm in a bisexual group orgy complete with whips, chains, nails, dildos, all sorts of toys and huge cocks. Oh and Britney Spears too.

Ok I'm exaggerating just the slightest bit there. I'm only a little bit fucked. The guy I thought was going to take the room in my flat isn't going to now, so I have to find someone else. If I don't find someone in the time I need to I will be fucked, (and rooted and shagged etc).

I'm just feeling kind of shit right now, I have a cold, I'm sniffling, coughing and sneezing, I had a terrible head cold which has gone away but will probably be back later. I hate being sick, I never take it very well.

Monday, April 17, 2006

It's Whacking Day!

Yes it's Easter Monday in the Czech Republic which means it's the day women get whacked. Sounds harsh? Oh no, it's just fun. It's a tradition!

What happens (the best way I can describe it)is boys and men have a switch/stick thing and they go over to their girlfriend's or their girl of choice's house and whack her lightly on the legs with it. That's what's supposed to happen, but usually what happens is said lady gets her ass whacked. Hard.

It's supposed to be a great honour to be whacked, it means that someone likes you. To award being given this honour the girl gives the whacker an egg. Nowadays she usually gives him something he might actually want, a bottle of slivovice or some alcoholic beverage. In some places girls are also dunked in water, for which they also give alcohol.

That's pretty much it. Girls are beaten and dunked. This makes them happy and they give gifts to their whackers. It seems horribly sexist and unfair but it's tradition so it must be done, because if you don't follow tradition then you get executed.

So I thought we needed a new tradition to even things up a bit. Traditions need to start somewhere, and I'm putting this in writing so it will be official. I might as well start a new holiday to go with it. It can be the April 22 (next Saturday) "It should be spring by now fucking for the fun of it, (none of that fertility bullshit)" holiday.

So, on this holiday a woman invites her man of choice to her place. He has to bring food, wine and a little extra gift (flowers, chocolates, computers whatever she likes). First thing that happens when he walks in the door he gets a bucket of milk thrown over him. Of course this makes a mess so he has to get the mop and bucket and clean it up. After he's done it's time to work on the rest of the house, but first he has to strip naked on put on a special brightly coloured frilly apron. He has to clean the whole place thoroughly, breaking for short intervals to make and bring his lady a drink while she relaxes watching TV. A couple of times during cleaning she gets up to check if he's doing the job well. Every time he misses a spot or the brass isn't shining satisfactorily it's time for a beating, which means he gets whipped on his bare ass with a leather whip called a "leather whip". Even if he's doing an impeccable job he can get whipped anyway, just for fun.

When he's finished cleaning it's time to make dinner, which he cooks from the ingredients he brought. Then it's dinner time which the two enjoy together and after that then it's time to celebrate the true reason for the holiday, fucking for the fun of it! Both can enjoy this of course, but it's especially up to the man to try hard to please in this instance.

Gay people can twist the holiday to suit their own needs. For those who play the male/female roles in their relationships it will be easy, but for instance gay men can have a fun night of mixing cleaning, whipping, wine and milk however they want.

So as far as traditions go I think it's my favourite. I'm quite looking forward to next Saturday. Of course, if anyone tries to whack me today, they get smacked.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Sorry kids

But you won't be getting any chocolate today. The Easter Bunny has been caught and he's going to be dinner for this man's family this evening. He has quite a large family.

Gotcha! Not really. This is another giant bunny altogether.

"German rabbit breeder Karl Szmolinsky presents his giant male breeding rabbit 'Robert' in Eberswalde, eastern Germany, February 2006."

I kind of wonder what the point is of breeding giant rabbits. The only thing I can think of it that it's an insidious plan to takeover/destroy the world.

In a tale reminiscent of the last Wallace and Gromit movie, furious villagers in northeast England have hired armed guards to protect their beloved communal vegetable gardens from a suspected monster rabbit.
You see, these people breed these monsters, then they get out and all hell breaks loose. Rabbits are running around terrorizing Northern England and "journalists" are rampantly referencing crappy cartoons or whatever you call them in their so called "articles". And it's all the fault of German rabbit breeders.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Now you be careful there.


It's that time of year again, watch out for,

THE EVIL BUNNY ORGANIZATION!!!!

YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE ADORABLE CUTE FLUFFY LITTLE THINGS??? YOU COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH, THEY ARE REALLY PART OF AN EVIL SATANIC ORGANIZATION WHO ARE PLOTTING TO DESTROY ALL OF HUMANITY!!!!!!!!! THESE TOOLS OF SATAN HOP AROUND AT EASTER TIME GIVING CHOCOLATE EGGS TO CHILDREN SO THEIR TEETH WILL FALL OUT AND THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT SO THEY'LL STARVE AND DIE..........THEY DO THIS TO MAKE THE CHILDREN THINK THAT JESUS' DEATH DAY IS ALL ABOUT CHOCOLATE AND SPRING AND SEX SEX SEX INSTEAD OF BEING MADE TO CELEBRATE THE BLOODIED AND BROKEN BODY OF THE CRUCIFIED CHRIST, SO THEY WILLWORSHIP SATAN AND GET SENT TO HELL. THESE CREATURES MAKE THE CHILDREN THINK THEY ARE LOVABLE AND ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!! BUT THEY ARE REALLY EVIL MEAN CREATURES, THAT KILL AND EAT CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????&&******%%!!!!!

DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO STOP THESE ATROCITIES AND BEAT EVERY BUNNY YOU SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brought to you by the Association of the Godly and Pure against the Atrocities, Violence, Debauchery, Destruction and TERRORISM of the Horrible anti Human Evil Bunny Organization which is plotting to destroy the earth and all that is on it. Except bunnies. And other Satan friendly things like snakes, bugs, catholics, rock music, cheese, homosexuals, broccoli, the french, scientists, philosophers, teachers, wanton women, artists, poets etc.

Friday, April 14, 2006

And on this day many years ago...

Jesus died.

He was dragged from his house in his pajamas, strung up onto a cross, (after he dragged it into town himself after going out into the woods and chopping down the trees and then cutting up the planks of wood and nailing them together) his hands and feet were NAILED into the wood and he was left up there.

Beaten, bloodied and buggered. (Well maybe not buggered but I needed another b word).

He was left up there for days, as the hot sun beat down on him, insects buzzed and bit, and crows plucked at his skin and eyes and every other part of him including the unmentionables, which were rather inadequately protected from the elements by a simple loincloth.

Days went by, he remained there in all his glorious suffering. He bore the pain, he endured the taunts of various non believing passers by, as they hurled insults and rotten fruit at him. There was nothing he could do, no escape, but he faced it with dignity, with strength. Like a man, until inevitably he died. All was over. (Except for the fact that he rose from the dead 3 days later and lived in Heaven for all eternity).

So, think about it. Think deep and hard. Imagine yourself nailed to a cross and hanging from a piece of wood while the buzzards go at you! Imagine people yelling at you telling you you're a madman and a false prophet who is a big poopie pants! Yeah, like that? Just you think about it while you're eating your chocolate and frolicking around the woods getting up to all sorts.

Of course my ass is gonna get beaten with a stick on Monday, or perhaps even later on today, so I'm free to enjoy my pagan revelries without guilt. More on that later. In the meantime have a good Friday.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Oh shit, it's already Thursday!

And I totally forgot about Wednesday bible study. Positively scandalous, my spiritual health is declining by the minute. Hopefully I can save myself by doing it a day late.

1 Corinth 15:20... "But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept."
a. Groovy! Jesus isn't dead after all, not really. He's gone up to Heaven so he can continue to do his good work, and give everyone the chance to be saved for all eternity!

b. Jesus Christ is the Lord, the son of God, He is magic! He rules everything and He is right about everything. If you fail to worship Him in all His glory in EXACTLY the way that we tell you, (ie don't be a stinking faggot or a chick who likes sex) then you will go to HELL! And we will make you time on this earth as miserable as we possibly can.

c. Yay, it's easter, let's eat chocolate bunnies!

In my opinion my offering for this pre-easter day late installment of Bible Study were rather ordinary, but that's what happens when you procrastinate.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Just for Denny

Because he missed it the first time round.

naked baby

Me, your charming blog host, in the nude. Naked, no clothes on, bare skinned, bare assed, nipples, ass and everything else in all it's natural splendour.

Think I covered everything there?

Not much going on at all


Tram Cafe
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.
I have absolutely nothing to say, nothing to write about, not that it matters because no one is looking at my blog anymore anyway, hardly. Not that I'm complaining. My progress in finding a roommate is going slowly, in fact not at all.

Here is a photo I took yesterday on Wenceslas Square. It's a cafe converted from old trams. I think it's pretty.

You enjoy that and more of my fabulous photography on Flickr.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Bring on the weirdos!

Typical. Right after I do a post about search terms that led to my blog I get a whole batch of new crazy stuff, and because I want to carry on the facade that this blog is about something of substance, I'm reluctant to post about the same subject again so soon.

But, due to an amazing coincidence I have absolutely nothing else to write about, so today I'm having my first annual recent search terms award.

People looking for mutants are all welcome here, amongst the recent mutant fetishists were one mutant vegetables, mutant Indian babies, as well as family of drunken mutants. Goodness only knows if they enjoyed their time here at my little blog.

A recent visitor found me while looking for bunnies for jesus, something I'd never heard of previously but seems innocent enough, but to the person looking for cat getting its head chopped off, I am not amused.

But the big winner, going to someone from Irvine California, browsing the internet with pacbell.net, is SAMSON LEG SMITE SWEET. I can only guess what they were looking for. Actually I can't even guess, I have no idea what that means.

If you're still around sir/madam, this is what you win.

chair with interesting use

It's really only of use for a female, but it's got a tasteful tiger print design that will be a fine addition to any home with style.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Life is Hard

The weekend is over, sinful merriment is finished, the sun is gone and of course it's raining. I did speak too soon.

I was looking forward to a reasonably pleasant week of shopping and filing my nails but no, now I have something else to worry about. My roommate has decided he wants to move in about a month. This wouldn't matter so much except that the flat has a kind of unusual layout, and I might have difficulty finding someone to take his space. I don't want to fuck around with moving again, and I don't want to pay the whole rent myself, but I really don't want to be bothered with finding a person. I just won't think about it today.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

That Murphy had a point.

I was right. I had one day of beautiful sunshine during which I was stuck in here working, and now it's gone back to the familiar grey that I've come to know and tolerate. That's it for that whole "sun" thing for another year.

And of course I have nothing to do today. I have complete freedom to do anything I want, go for a walk, take photos, just frolic, but no weather for it.

I got out for a little bit yesterday, just before it got dark. I went past my fountain (which still isn't founting, I shall have to speak to someone about that) on the way to the store to get ingredients for dinner, before going back to my gentleman friend's house to eat, drink and get up to all sorts of sinful merriment.

Come to think of it I need a shower. That's something I can do today.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Ruh roh, ronsters!

Look at the sky, can you believe it?

The sky today


Unfortunately I've been trapped inside all day so I haven't gotten a chance to go out, but if I'm lucky, which I never am, it will continue to be sunny for at least a few days and I'll get my chance to frolic outside.

And what better to talk about on such a lovely spring day than bunnies. So cute, so lovable, so er, monstrous. Apparently, there is a giant rabbit in Northern England, positively terrorizing the locals.
"They call it the monster. It's very big -- it's nearly the size of a dog," said Joan Smith, whose son Jeff owns one of the plots under attack.
The size of a dog, hmmm. Well how big is that then? A big dog, a small dog, and in between dog? Really helpful that is.
"It's eating everything, all the vegetables," she told Reuters. "They are trying to shoot it. They go along hoping to catch it but I think it's too crafty."
A rabbit eating vegetables! Well I never. Whatever will happen next? I for one hope we don't get a plague of giant vegetable eating rabbits here. The only giant bunny I want to see is the one that brings me chocolate thank you very much!

Friday, April 07, 2006

I'm afraid I don't have a money back guarantee

I've been looking through my site stats recently, which to be honest I do an awful lot. Not much else going on you see.

It's interesting to see which google searches find themselves to me. You'd think with all the posts about sperm and donkeys and whatnot, I'd get all the people looking for weird porn stuff, which I do a lot of the time. But recently I haven't had any, instead I get, What do Venezuelans farm, which is a subject I know little about. Another recent one is what do fish get eaten by. I have a feeling they didn't find what they wanted on my blog.

I always get a lot of people searching for "mutant cat" but if it's people who have heard about my fabulous blog and are specifically searching for it, or people who are looking for stuff about mutant cats, I don't know. I get a lot of people who were searching for just "mutant" or mutant something.

There was someone earlier on today searching for the term "facials". Whether they meant "facial" facials, or erm, ah, "facial" facials, I will never know.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Well there were no turnips around.

Life is hard.

A Czech man ate frogs and other small animals for four days after he was trapped on an island cut off by flooding, the daily Pravo reported Wednesday.
Well, it here folks. Floods again, and so soon. There's already been flooding around other parts of the country, but nothing too terrible in Prague yet, but there's still snow left to melt and it's going to rain all spring, because that's what it does, and if something bad can happen it means it probably will.

Where I live it probably won't flood, but it will suck. I probably don't know anyone who will be directly affected, but it will suck. Trust me.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I haven't forgotten

It's Wednesday, and that means it's Bible Study day. Today's verse is:

REV 12:9... "And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him."
a) The Angel Satan had been a naughty boy up in Heaven, getting above his station and whatnot. So he got kicked out and went to earth. And his homies went with him too.

b) Satan is disobeyed God. He came to earth to wreak havoc. He's jealous and mean. Because of this he does everything within his power, (which is considerable) to undermine God's word. Which is of course pure love and happiness and all that. Everything bad that happens is Satan's fault. God has nothing to do with it.

c) Satan has your soul! He is poisoning you with his evil, cast him out and let Jesus into you. Put this water on you and start talking gibberish! Now collapse. That's right you've got it.

Well, I tried.

Word of the day, April 5, 2006

This subject just keeps coming up.

cum \KUM; KUHM\, preposition:
With; along with; combined with; -- often used in combination.

In 1999 he finished converting an old dairy into a sort of village -- a hip warren of apartments adjoining a restaurant and bar, some art galleries, some studios, and an "e-mat" (a laundromat-cum-cybercafé).
-- Bill Donahue, "Byte, Byte, Against the Dying of the Light", The Atlantic, May 2001

Pretty soon, we're digging up the lunch, washing it off at a stand pipe and heading for the shed-cum-kitchen, where the two burners are quickly pressed into working overtime.
-- Bob Granleese, "A bumper crop", The Guardian, September 14, 2002

The memorial service cum political rally for Senator Wellstone brought the sacred low.
-- William J. Bennett, "A Party of Corruption?", National Review, November 4, 2002

Mark Humphrey, the rising star among interior designers, has created a highly-collectable dual-function, chrome and walnut candlestick-cum-rose vase.
-- Nick Pandya, "Making Christmas a one-off", The Guardian, November 2, 2002

Got nothing to do with me.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Free facials. Here!

From one of my posts below.

Girl #1: Randy won't stop coming on my face.
Girl #2: ...Are you going to finish your bagel?
Well the comments section generated a few ideas for songs from this little exchange of words. The Culture Ghost suggested a song by the Ramones, ("Randy won't stop coming on my face."), I suggested something and Chymera suggested "Ya Gotta Get a Facial ta be My Ho." by Nellie. Just some examples.

So I thought I'd flog a very weary horse and see if people can improve on those examples. Best suggestion gets absolutely nothing.

The donkeys are a better fuck too.

Watch me get a thousand google hits from that title.

Indian textbooks put the bitches in their place.

"A donkey is like a housewife ... In fact, the donkey is a shade better, for while the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master," the newspaper reported, quoting a Hindi-language primer meant for 14-year-olds.
I always thought that donkeys were kind of beligerent. If you get a well brought up woman, once who's been beaten around and had the spirit squashed out of her you've got a better chance I reckon.
The book was approved by the state's Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party government but has sparked protests from the party's women's wing.
The "woman's wing"? Hmpf! That just screams hairy dykes who are bitter because they can't get a man! So no need to heed anything they have to say.
"The comparison was made in good humor," state education official A.R. Khan was quoted as saying. "
Oh, that makes it ok then. Because everyone knows that 14 year olds can always be trusted to pick up subtle humour in a school textbook. And it's not like the greater culture backs them up on their way of thinking or anything. Unfortunately the ugly hairy ladies put up such a fuss that their removing the reference from the textbooks. So much for freedom!

Monday, April 03, 2006

God invented pants for a reason.

I have to love it when a fellow countryman makes a total ass of themselves.

SYDNEY (Reuters) - A red-faced Australian nudist who tried to set fire to what he thought was a deadly funnel web spider's nest ended up with badly burned buttocks, emergency officials said Monday.
I personally believe a person should be able to go around naked as much as they please, and New South Wales North Coast certainly has the climate for it, but there are occasions where it might be sensible to put some clothes on.
The 56-year-old man was at a nudist colony near Bowral, about 60 miles southwest of Sydney, Sunday when he spotted what he believed to be a funnel web spider hole.
The funnel web is one of Australia's many species of poisonous spiders, I've had run-ins with them myself, so it's understandable why he would want to rid the area of them.
"The exploding gasoline fumes left the man with burns to 18 percent of his body, on the upper leg and buttocks," the NRMA Careflight helicopter rescue service said in a statement.

It said the man's lack of clothing probably contributed to the extent of his burns.
Moral of the story is, if you're going to commit arson, put on some pants.
"The fate of the bunkered spider was unknown, although other guests at the resort thought it was probably a harmless trapdoor spider and not a deadly funnel web," the statement said.
Oh well shit. Dickhead deserved to get burnt.

Do you think a shower cap would help?

Young people today!

Girl #1: Randy won't stop coming on my face.
Girl #2: ...Are you going to finish your bagel?

--Waverly & University

Whatever happened to the days when young ladies didn't talk about such things, (or indeed do such things), and if one overheard such vulgarity one didn't go posting it all over the internet for everyone to see? Whatever happened to those days?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

No Turnip Sunday

I hate to break this to everybody, but my story from yesterday about the Romans and the eggs and rabbits was a joke, I'm afraid it was all a bit of tomfoolery for April the 1st. I made it up, completely.

Hard to believe I know, it seemed so real and well researched. Well I'm sorry. I hope you won't all be too embarrassed when you explain to everyone that the exciting new history facts you learned about the Romans are all false. So all I can do is wish you a happy Sunday and leave you with the word of the day.

defenestrate \dee-FEN-uh-strayt\, transitive verb:
To throw out of a window.

And if you're interested in knowing a little Czech history you can read about the Defenestrations of Prague. (And I promise it isn't about turnips)

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Bunnies & Eggs

What have bunnies and eggs got to do with Jesus? Some people ask this, most people are happy to celebrate the christian meaning of Easter along with the bunnies and all, without really caring that there is no connection between the two, but could there actually be one?

I've been reading a lot about the "ancients" as they're called, particularly the Romans, those fine people who gave us roads, government and after a few rough years, christianity*.

Like other Pagans, as they were before the big conversion, they had a festival to celebrate the coming of spring. They celebrated with food, sex and sacrifices to gods that dealt with "spring-like" themes. One of the gods was Pietrus, who was the god of "making the streams flow". He was in the form of what basically looked like a giant rabbit, but with wings, and he laid eggs. It's all coming together now isn't it? But wait there's more.

Where does Christ fit into all of this. Well, the Romans, being Romans, didn't celebrate their spring festivals in quite the same way as other people. Their celebrations were a little more gory. Pietrus was a particularly brutal god. He demanded one human and 15 rabbits for every festival, and the spring festival was particularly important, because if the streams didn't flow, there'd be no water, so he demanded more. Only one human still, but 100 rabbits.

What they did with the rabbits, (and unfortunate human) was to strangle them, and bleed them. Some Romans, (usually the lower classes) used the blood as a kind of rejuvenating ointment. They believed that if they smeared the blood over themselves they would have good health, be fertile, and the crops would be good that year. The more "important" folk sneered at this kind of activity, their ceremony was to pour the blood into an urn and keep it in the house for a day.

This went on for a long time, until the Roman Empire converted to Christianity. They were christians now, and christians don't do that sort of thing anymore! But tradition is hard to break so it went on for a while. The human sacrifice died out after a few years, they had the sacrifice of Jesus now, they didn't have to have a new man every year, and after a while the effort of going and getting the rabbits every year became a real pain, and the suffering of Jesus on the cross was enough to satisfy their bloodlust, so the bunnies instead became the embodiment of Pietrus, the god who didn't exist anymore.

And, just like Pietrus (Peter Rabbit) they delivered eggs. And this existed alongside in perfect harmony with the other more "christian" observation. Lent and Passover came later, which I will go into more detail in another post.

So there you go, bunnies and Jesus, really aren't all that incompatible.

* I know the Romans didn't invent Christianity, but the Empire's conversion and colonization of Europe pretty much made the Western World Christian.