Up in the air.

Hello down there, how's the weather on the ground? I speak to you from my long time home, here in the air. I visited you down there recently, thinking I might stay for a bit, but here I am again.

I have visited solid ground many times, over the years, actually lived there briefly a few times but somehow I always end up here. I make the mistake of thinking, again and again, yes this is it, this is permanent, I can relax and plan things and have some kind of orderly future. Silly me, I keep forgetting I'm me, who that is not for the likes of.

I'll see in a week or so, if I'm still here. If I move further out into the abyss (another place I've spent an awful lot of time and quite frankly like less than this thing air here) I won't be terribly surprised, though that would involve me knowing what's going on, and that's pretty unlikely, so I reckon I'll still be here. In the general sense of "up in this air here" which is a large area that I move around a lot, so I'll probably be over there but not down there with something solid beneath my feet.

I'm kind of like those kittens, I think, up high and who knows what's happening.

meow

Classic Me

At home waiting.

I'm waiting for any information on what happening with me. In more ways than one, but the one which takes precedence over the others right now is the bar. Oh yeah I sort of maybe started working at a bar, so far I'm still sort of on trial, maybe they don't see it that way but I'll see it that way until I've done a couple of shifts successfully and then probably for another about 6 months, we'll see.

Anyway, I was supposed to do a shift. I showed up half an hour before opening, it was all locked up, and either no one was there or deep inside. I had no phone number for anyone because we've been corresponding on Facebook, having only a dumb phone, that doesn't help.

So I waited. Time went by and it came to opening time. Still nothing happened. I tried the gate a few times, and checked to see if it looked locked, it did. I'm sure it was locked, I swear looked at all the possible openings.

I tried calling someone to get the phone number of someone who I thought he might possibly have because people know people you know, and some of those people know people. Couldn't get through to his phone, so I waited called again, didn't get through waited called again didn't get through waited called someone else who was with him, spoke to him. He didn't have the number.

All the time thinking, what is going on? Is this my fault? Is the gate really locked, I mean it's supposed to be open now they wouldn't have an unwelcoming looking gate in front of the closed door when they're supposed to be open anyway and is this in some way my fault? How can it be my fault?

I know it's in some way my fault, or it will be seen as such.

They couldn't have expected me to open could they? I mean, I don't even really work there yet/maybe not even.

I could do nothing but come home, send a message explaining it to anyone who's contact I could find. And all there was to do was to wait.

Anyway, got a message back while I was writing, so it wasn't my fault, but damn, these vexing sort of things keep happening, like I said. Classic me.

Stuck in the middle of nothing.

It's another long weekend here in a string of long weekends. It makes not much difference to me, in my room on my computer, except that I wait longer for the world to turn back on.

Longer to not know what is to become of me. Just when I thought I was out of the woods. Not that I know what's so bad about the woods, I think the woods are quite nice, but I suppose that they traditionally
have wolves and other predators that I'd be better off keeping a safe distance from, so I should get out of them. I tried, and I thought I'd succeeded but, to inject other oft used metaphor, I counted my chickens which were very close or seemed about to hatch. They didn't, I mean they might still but it's taking time.

Really it was too good to be true, I succeeded in no less than 3 things in quite a short amount of time, with other opportunities in the background, which turned out not to work out, but by the time I knew that I had a few other notches under my belt (sorry, I think that one is both inappropriate and incorrect as well as being overkill) so I was able to throw off a couple of rejections with a pragmatic shrug. I got lazy (not a huge deviation for me) and didn't scour the internet for more opportunities with quite the gusto I had been, because well, I didn't need to anymore.

And now I sit here, waiting, wondering if any of it will actually turn into anything. I have anywhere between one and 6 jobs, if you include stuff that I've done and could do but probably won't again very soon, stuff that I do occasionally, stuff that I might do occasionally if I get lucky, something I did and thought I'd be invited to do again sooner than the time between then and now, 2 things I've negotiated and communicated about but haven't done yet and... that's it really. And the one that I most confidently say I have, that's not a sure thing.

So who knows. I could be doomed. It sounds bad but I've been doomed before and I seem to have survived it.

So not quite a miracle...

but still, something that I needed, or at least wanted. At the very least though the past few days could end up being the cause of various disasters from ill health to.. general catastrophe, it was fun. And at the same time.. all is still the same, no idea if this is all going to be ok, the time is getting closer and I have no idea if I'm going to survive. Nothing to compare, nothing to estimate, just people who won't get in contact. Just waiting, as always.

Changing. And Waiting

There's always a point, when an unwelcome, inevitable change is on the horizon where you (and by "you" I mean me, and most likely, due to the law of averages, many other people out there on earth) just want to get on with it and have it done. I personally like to wish it to be some point in the future that allows enough time to have gone by for this whole messy transition bit to be over, plus allowances for adjustment. And then you get there, to that point, and this is it, the very unwelcome change that is going to happen, whether you like it or not, past which you need to get, the sooner the better, to get on with the next stage and.. it's just, the end. And end of something you don't want to say goodbye to. All that relief,, that tiny bit of curiosity, maybe even excitement for a new future.. all gone. Well mostly gone. It's particularly fun when you're kind of near the end of some of the several stages to this whole thing and you get to enjoy the grief at losing what you hold dear along with the frustration of everything taking so fucking long still. Yeah, it's all a big load of fucking fun.

Limbo..

or Purgatory. I feel like I've done this before, like, exactly this same title and first line before. I probably have, I have a tendency to write things and forget completely about it and repeat the same thing again as if I've just had this new brilliant insight, I think. Well anyway.. I'm in this.. metaphorical halfway house, which I think I may have brought up as well, before and possibly in fact when I wrote this title and first line before, but I'm less sure about that.. so I'm in this in between thing. I won't go into details but I just am. It was really bad at first then it was between really bad and not so bad as circumstances allow me to ignore it and/or numb the reality for most of the time and now it's just.. I don't know.. I just don't really feel anything. Or I do but only the stuff that doesn't bother me so much. So yeah.. I'm just waiting for things to get on with it. I've done stuff. Actually went out, took the bull by the horns all that bullshit, did what I had to, and should be continuing to do, but as is my usual habit when something is on the horizon I act like I'm going to get to said horizon so I don't need to keep doing that so note to self, keep doing that, and well so this stuff, it's happening it's leading to stuff.. it's just leading really slowly.. too slowly for me, and I don't know where I'm at right now because I don't know where I'm going to be at you see what I mean? You don't, I'm sure of it, point is it's annoying. Today I had something scheduled. Something that was a big deal for me, something I stressed over and looked forward to being over and done with, which I would be right now, because however it would turn out, whether it would be great, just ok, or a total cockup, I'd at least have done that, and I'd know more about what's going to happen. Of course, it didn't happen.. somebody somewhere got confused and someone else was already there and that would have been too many cooks, so to speak, though we aren't cooks, but I had to turn around and go home, scheduled to go back later in the week. After having a coffee. So here I am, still wherever it is I am, not quite how how I feel about it or about anything.

This seems so familiar.

It seems I'm going back to checking my emails every so often to see if anyone's replied to anything or if they sent the email they promised until I start to forget that I'm expecting any message from anyone. The reasons for the expected emails are different, but they are still expected. Well not so much anymore, I'm beginning to forget about them.

Is this back to the proverbial drawing board?

So long and so fast.

Time goes by so fast, they say, and I tend to think. It just flies by, actually. Of course, how fast is fast? I mean, time goes by how long it takes time to go by, for instance, a day takes a day to go by and that's as fast as, well, a day takes.

That's not what I'm writing about though. I mean I was, but it's sort of the b plot if you will, for this blog I'm writing. Yes, I see what I did there. Yes time goes by fast but everything takes so long. Things take so long we never even get to them. Well for me anyway, I mean some things.

Here I am waiting again, to hear from someone, or someone else after applying, or even going in and doing a (mediocre to adequate if I want to be charitable to myself) audition, or writing a test summary, or something else similar to one of those things or not that similar but someone one does. Actually I think I pretty much listed all of them. And things going further back that I can pretty much file away as "officially didn't happen". You can probably include at least one thing on that list, though you could probably safely chuck it all in that file without a chance of missing much.

The stupid thing is, I'm always so nervous of checking my emails whenever I have something outstanding going on. I'm afraid of them letting me know that I'm just not good enough, or of being told I was too late (as I tend to take 2 or 3 goes over 4 or 5 days to finally complete and send an email for the simplest of things) or to be told I have the role/job and then I have to deal with the anxiety of doing it all. Well not so much the last one. I mean, I would be stressing about that but that is the one that never really happens.

So here I am, clicking on gmail, hoping it safely says I have none new and when there is one I see it's just a notification from twitter, or a silly email from a friend and I go "phew". Yes, I literally do that. No I don't but I do think that. Then I start relaxing because it's not first on my mind anymore. Then I start wishing the reply would kind of come. Then I forget about it, then I start checking my email every 15 minutes hoping it will show up already. Then I forget about it, then I remember and think, hey, there was that thing I was hoping I would be doing.. guess that's not going to happen now. Oh well, sucks to be me.

At the moment I'm in stages 1, 2 and 4 and 6. I think, I'm just guessing, I can't be bothered to go back and see what I wrote and compare it to the stuff I'm referring too. I don't even know if there are that many stages, but it's probably close.

And I present to you.. the key.

We have a key, an extra key, a very special key to a marvelous place which looks out upon the vista. We're just that important. Well mostly it's because one must use the toilet for uses which I won't go into detail about because I think you all know what one uses that particular contraption for.

It's been a day o dudes. Cooley's been snarking that it's dude city here, and well.. it has been. There was the plumber dude, who came to fix the tiles around the toilet, and the tap, who was scheduled to come 9am but came early. Seriously, they literally never come on time let alone early, but you have an appointment scheduled for am.. ( I know it's not that early but we stayed up to watch the Grey Cup well Erik watched it and I just stayed up watching other stuff cos he was like, you know, watching football) they come early. Only 10 minutes early but he said he was waiting outside in his car for an hour until a reasonable hour to wake us. No one said you had to get up that early dude, and you could have like, gotten tools before coming here instead of like, realizing you need tools when you see what the job needs, and going off to get them.. what did I tell you?

So.. after he came back the toilet was out of commission. Then afterwards we were banned from using it because the tiles need to be not trod on until some time tomorrow, but never fear, Martin, the landlord was to come with keys to an empty flat we can use the loo of. Phew.

Then someone came to look at the computer. Dude #2, a lady dude, but dude all the same. It was bigger and heavier than she realized so she asked if she could come back at 5:30, we said sure.. we're gonna be here, where else would we go?

So we're now waiting for the veggie delivery dude, we do that, well we've done that once, twice now, boxes of fresh organic vegetables, delivered to your door, up the 4 flights of stairs. It's real nice. They were supposed to come between 2:20 and 3:20 but they sent a message saying they were going to be an hour and a half late. So, I rapidly and expertly calculated it in my head and deduced they should be here, barring any miscalculations on their part of variables that would cause them to be still later, between 3:50 and 4:50. They came at 4:21, so.. they were on time. Sorta.

Now we have a lot of food, which is good. And we're waiting for Dude #2 the lady dude who came for the computer. 5:30 comes and of course she isn't here, another 10 minutes goes by.. more minutes go by and finally she calls. Comes at.. I dunno, 5:46 let's say. Gets it and leaves. Very quick.

So now, I'm thinking we're free we're free! We've been scheduled to be here for various dudes since 9am, 8:50 if you count the time he actually came and now we're free to be let loose and.. but we still have to wait for the key. You know, the key we need to be able to use the toilet. That's due at 7.

He didn't come at 7, it was like, about 7:44, I'm guessing. Now we're free. Though apart from going upstairs to the flat for the loo and checking it out (of course) and enjoying the awesome view from the balcony, I've been here all day, and probably not going anywhere. Got all this food, it's awesome.

And I'm there

So.. all the vexing stuff is done with, the waiting, the traveling, the carrying, the waiting, the being interrogated, the waiting, the schlepping, the turbulence, the getting off on the wrong tram stop and having to go back, the numerous versions of what seems like the exact same customs need, the waiting, the traveling at midnight so you get exactly no sleep for one day, the being in a car 6 hours, the changing from one mode of transport, then another, with a schlep and a wait in between ok you get the picture? It wasn't so bad. By the time we got to Jerusalem, well the house we got to rest in for a bit, it was ok. A lot up to that point, but.. as one is done, then you're slightly closer to your goal. Anyway did that and then a long car ride and now we're here. Stayed up even though little sleep was gotten on the plane, barely two hours at best at our rest stop and none in the car, and socialized and ate.. now it's just rest time, and ready for a fresh start tomorrow. We're by the sea, and it's warm here. This is good enough already.

*hears ringing in ear*

I might at some point get a phone call from someone who expects to come here, who may or may not know enough English to form a conversation. I'm doing this couchsurfing thing, you know, the couchsurfing thing! Surely you're cool and you know what I'm talking about, if you're not cool, then google.

I should trademark that.. it's a catchphrase!

Anyway.. I agreed to let someone stay here, more than a month ago, and she's supposed to come today, but, haven't heard from here in a few week,s and don't know any more details than the day she arrives so.. I sent a message a few days ago saying PLEASE GIVE DETAILS FFS! Well, not the last bit, but.. haven't gotten the deets so.. no idea if it's still on and if I'll get a phone call at some point.

So please note. If you're going to be staying with people somewhere, at some point, whether you know these people, whether you know people who know the people, or if someone mentioned someone needs a place to stay, or, if it's someone you've got no connection with except for a website like couchsurfing, then keep in contact with them up to the point you are staying, give details of when and where you are arriving and make more detailed plans, do not just show up in their city on the day and call them, you might not mind waiting around all day until they're available to come and meet you or to let you in, but still, some people don't like not knowing when shit is happening.. kay? And if you change y our mind or something happens, then, (within reason, of course) then let them know, as soon as you can.

And if you decide to host people, whether they're people you know.. etc etc, or people you meet through a website such as couchsurfing.. don't give the people your address and phone number until it's almost the time they arrive, and give them those details when they contact you to give you the time they're arriving, etc and you make particular arrangements for it. Unless you don't mind being called up on the day whenever they decide to, in which case.. doesn't matter.

Anyway, happy Groundhog Day, hope the squirrel sees the pumpkin or whatever where you live and it means the crops will be successful.. or whatever.

I feel like I've visited here before.

It seems as if I spend my life waiting, sometimes..no, not exactly that. It seems as if I spend pretty much all of my time just about to get into.. something, no, it's not really that either.

Well again and again I feel like I feel right now, which is nothing in particular, and overall nothing. When I stop to think I realize how much time has passed since the last time I thought about it and I remember how I thought that by this time I'd be getting on with it, or on with it. And then the time before that where I felt the same..

Eventually these things happen. Or they don't and I do something else instead, but it always comes up again.. the same thing.. about something different but it doesn't matter so much if whatever it is never happens.. the waiting, is pretty much the same. Again and again.

Dare I say it?

Demon is now officially exorcised, for once and for all. I can wash my hands of it, sleeping soundly in the knowledge that it shall not return.. I can clean stuff up properly, knowing it won't get all messed up again and.. this weekend we should be able to do whatever we want to do, and not have to wait around for a bunch of dudes to fix it again.

I shouldn't have said that.. :/

So.. this morning they've been working away, made me get up early, went off for a bit, then came back and I was under the impression they'd have to do it in stages, like leave a bunch of stuff here and come back Thursday or whatever, but.. it's done... 'parently. Cooley will be pleased and I must say I'm rather chuffed myself.

And here I was, all ready to have a big ole grumble about the neverending mess here, the whole week being taken up with waiting around while dudes mess my place up, not being able to use the shower or toilet, and poor little Cooley, being repeatedly frazzled. So what do they do? They finish? And leave? Totally messed up my blog post.. if the internet was working better I'd have had it written already. Things just never work out do they?

Ok I can live with it.

I don't have time for this!

I didn't have time earlier on when the water heater was doing what it wanted to do instead of what wanted it to do, ie what it should be doing, and I don't have time to be waiting around the fucking post office, and being made to fill the fiddly fucking form again because I stupidly forgot to write down one fucking detail which shouldn't make a difference because there's so much other fucking information that they should be able to get the fucking transaction done regardless. I won't go into detail but in short.

I don't have time for this! Fuck!

I mean it's done now, and I'm back from the PO, but still. Fuck!

The things you notice while you're waiting..

I was in the post office earlier to pick up something. I went in, got my number, made myself comfortable and observed the numbers that were coming up. I had 365 and after a couple of new ones showed up there was 360..

so.. it slowly goes up.. 361, 362 in between all the other lines which go through much more quickly.. of course, when 512 comes up. It was up to about 363.. so I sat, watching the numbers.. and the next one up is 514!

Then mine came up and I did my business.. but I wonder.. was it deliberate.. do they not have tickets with that number for a reason..

hmmm..

Breathing now..

Ok, the month that I decided was evil and the cause of all my woes is over now, so things.. you can start getting real good as soon as you want now..

just letting you know.. I'm ready. I'm waiting..