Sayin a good bye to our old friend..

The year is nearly done, almost behind us. In some parts of the world it is '13 no longer. This is the time when I reminisce about the past year, and make plans for the next, well perhaps not so much plans as.. stuff. I shall say one thing about this year. It sucked. It didn't suck completely all the time, and let's face it things aren't always so spectacular with me and I do have a tendency to grumble, but overall it was a shitty year. Couldn't manage to hold on to a job, failed at pretty much the one last thing I think I can do, did hardly any acting stuff and well.. spent most of the year in a kind of funk, a kind of I'm a complete loser why is the world against me depression. Now again, how much that was different from any other time and how much it is just my general way of being, I'm not sure, but I will be glad to see the tail or two oh one three, don't think I don't know what those numbers spell out, all I can say it a sigh of collective relief is being sighed by the triskaidaphobics of the world that is at least when their respective times zones are doing the change over. I'm not superstitious, but at this point, now, or at least a couple of hours from now, I'd like to think it all means something, at least a little bit of something, at least maybe psychologically, or something, and when its' all over, that is the big one three, things will magically improve considerably. At least after the hangover wears off. It's silly but one must hope. So.. how about next year, this big bright 14 that we're headed for. I won't do any resolutions except that's exactly what I'm going to do right now, I just won't be too specific. I just want to more. More acting, more work more getting out in the world and experiencing it, and of course making movies.. editing damn movies at least the one I've been trying to for the last few months. Start up a group/class that there have been preliminary discussions about doing but everyone's all like "oh yeah but it's December and we're busy let's do it in January" well it is (will be) January so you have NO EXCUSE! I wouldn't accept it from myself so I wont' accept it from others. Actually I would accept that from myself and do all the time, but that's beside the point. And yes, it will be Jan.. the dreary dreaded Jan, but it will be Jan '14, so it kind of evens itself out. I'm hoping it will be a mild one. Anyway.. this is the last post of.. this year.. yes, 2013.. '13.. 13 13 13 there I said it now it's out of my system and very soon I won't have a use for it at all anymore, so there.. and yes, last one for this year so see you all next year and have a fantastic evening (or continue into your New Year reveling, not that you'd be reading this if you were) and yeah.. have a great one.

A regular Monday.

The night before the night before it is. Well it's afternoon, but in a few minutes it will be dark so I can say night. It's officially a regular day, but it's that strange time, a normal working Monday after the weekend we had surfers here who we didn't really hang out with much but just having people here made it seem like there was something about it that filled up the time between boxing day and now that seems, strange. People have, for the most part simmered down on wishing Merry Christmas and fun and merriment and now are wishing us all a Happy 2014, and "Happy New Year" although at this moment, the year, the current one, is a pretty old one, very near to about as old as a year can get. Still, that's what they say. And here I am alone again, for it is a regular working day for people who are regular and who work, so I'm doing what I usually do, which is not much. Good excuse for that now, being "the holidays" and all.. and there's a new year coming up where everyone can start fresh and do things differently and do things better. That excuse will become invalid in less than a day and a half and I'll have to come up with a new reason not to let myself get utterly depressed at my total inability to do stuff. No.. that's setting myself up to fail already.. this year.. I mean next year will be the year. I mean I genuinely want to get out of this.. I don't know, case of being me, and I have to believe it's possible, so yes, next year all the things I promise I'll do, I shall. Maybe not right away.. I mean, I currently have in my throat what I will describe as a tickle, that will last I don't know how long, and depending on where and how cold it is tomorrow night and the very wee hours of '14, and what I get up to.. rather how much of it I get up to on that night.. I shan't be feeling the best right at the beginning of the year.. and the 1st is a holiday anyway.. and after that is the weekend, practically. So.. Monday the 6th is the day. A regular normal working Monday, not one that's in a purgatory week which is still sorta holidays and has a break in between and where the regular people have to clean out an inbox with thousands of messages because they took the entire previous week off because xmas fell on a Wednesday, but a totally normal day. And by then everyone will be over being over the festive thing which isn't really relevant to what I'm doing but is just a fact, and I will get on with it. What precisely I don't know, but there's a lot of it, and I hope to do at least some of it.

Silent night..

er.. quite ordinary night. Here anyway. The city over people are sitting around their tables choking on carp bones. Well by now they're probably opening their presents, post carp and potato salad. Depends on the family I guess. And hopefully people have been lucky to avoid to many bone accidents.

Here, it's a regular Tuesday eve. Well.. one of us didn't go to work today. Actually both of us (all 3 if you count Cooley) didn't go to work but in the case of one of us, that is me, (and Cooley if you're counting her) it's all too typical, but for one of us, the worker, the whole week is off, Christmas in the middle of the week really makes everyone.. well, take the whole week off.

So we're sitting here as usual on an evening, on the computer, watch a few shows, have dinner.. yell at the cat not to chew the Christmas tree and vaguely plan all our business tomorrow. Yes, we're doing it the traditional way, that sit he traditional north American and in fact Australian way of doing the pressies and main dinner thing on Christmas day, December 25th. We get up, whenever we get up. Probably have a breakfast, shower and stuff because we like to take dorky photos with the tree and want to look nice for it, and then open our, I guess pretty modest presents under our extremely modest tree, and then set to first cleaning this place up cos it's a total dump at the moment and get to cooking. In the evening we'll have our usual "orphans" dinner, with a few vegan dishes and that not even loosely based on any countries Christmas dinner as far as we know, lots of drinks and the best bad Christmas movies we could find. See traditional.

I used to do it the traditional way, back in Australia when I lived near my family. That is the traditional Czech way, of having Christmas dinner of, well something, sometimes a kind of fish (never carp) crumbed and friend, but always something that isn't fish cos I don't like fish and the traditional potato salad, and then open our presents, on a hot summer night, barely minutes after the sun goes down. See traditional.

All the years since I've left, most of which have been spent in this country, I've done the dinner and presents thing on Christmas day, that is 25th. I guess I like to be contrary like that.

So it's winter.

Officially. This is news, I thought it was, um, I dunno. It's weird to me this whole "seasons starting halfway through the month thing". I'm not sure if they do that in the southern hemisphere or if, it's just me, can't be bothered to find out though it's possible to google it.

Anyway.. as far as I'm concerned winter starts on December 1. Unless you're in the southern hemisphere, that is. None of this.. solstice and equinox beginning seasons. Oh and don 't get me started on the beginning of summer, the summer solstice and midsummer for fucks sake I mean HOW CAN MIDSUMMER BE THE BEGINNING OF SUMMER THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!

So.. I.. forgot what I was going to say next.

Well anyway, it's the solstice, where I live it means that tomorrow will be about a minute longer than today, and the day after that yet another minute (or so thereabouts) longer and so on and so forth. This pleases me. It doesn't please me so much that it'll be at least another 2 months before it starts to be nearing reasonable hours of daylight but what can you do? Move I suppose but I won't be doing that.

Of course, the holidays are all happening in the middle of the next week, so it's big party time, something that pleases me as well as kind of.. I dunno, already tires me out, but it makes all this cold and dark better.
After all the partying will be Jan, which pleases (all the parties and shit that can get too much will be over) and displeases me (Jan sucks, it's still winter, the days are still to short, and all the parties and shit will be over, so it will be boring). Oh and it will be '14 which pleases me dorkily for reasons that are both probably obviousish, and stupid. And there will be stuff starting I hope which both pleases me and, something else.

How do I feel? Well.. going to see a really cool, favorite local band tonight so that's good.. of course, it's the last gig with their current singer, who sorta makes the band really so.. I dunno.

Time for another photo.

I quite like it.

*turns brain on*

I need to get some sort of, I don't know, recorder thingy, but not a recorder, some kind of thought reminder whatsit, to put beside my bed at night. That or something implanted straight into my brain. Is there something like that? Where can I get it, and is it expensive?

I'm asking because I keep getting, well once or twice I have gotten, really really good ideas, well thought out in magnificent prose, in the middle of the night. Having paper and pen beside the bed just doesn't work, one because I'm not the only one here, that kitty will start whining and knocking things off the table and bugging me to get up to feed her the second I show signs of life, oh and there's Erik, who has to work. Also because I'm lazy, particularly when I'm like, half asleep and warm and snug in bed. A tape recorder or anything with noise doesn't work for the same reasons. I need something that needs neither light, noise or movement. Otherwise it's all lost. All of those.. whatever it was I thought of that I can never recreate quite the same way in the morning, or at all by the time I can be bothered to try to type it out.

Well if you can think of something, because well.. the stuff that's lost it's.. I mean I remember it as being particularly clever.. funny that all the really good material is stuff I think of when I'm in a half asleep daze that I can't remember in it's best form when I'm completely lucid, that is some coincidence. You know.

I didn't.

Big surprise. Did you honestly think there was the slightest chance I would? Don't answer that, in fact, the very thought that one may have suspected for so much as a second that I would is presumptuous, at best. And one was right in what one surely suspected, in fact was more than certain of, that I most certainly did not.

I'll do it tomorrow.

I will.

I will.

I say that to myself all the time, and when the time comes, generally, I don't. Well, always I don't, ie I never do. I always come up with an excuse. Actually not always, sometimes I just, don't bother, for no reason other than I can't be bothered.

But I will. This time, I will. Is it right to start a sentence with "but"? I don't know, I don't think so but that is what I wanted to say and the way I wished to say it the "but" had to come at the beginning of the sentence so that makes it right, right? I'm not sure. The point is, I will. I promise, it will get done, things are going to happen, something is rumbling over the horizon and it is stuff that will be.

I'll get back to you about it tomorrow, after everything.

Fun 'n' Festivities

And she does it again!

I fucked it up again. I failed to post for one of the days in the group of days I had, yet again intended to post during. I made it all the way up to the 6th, or the 5th however you look at it. Still more than I managed in the calendar month o November which I failed at earlier, still, pretty poor showing. In my defense I am a complete an utter wastrel, a layabout, a complete and utter failure at life and a general waste of space who is unable to get oneself to complete the most modest of tasks. And my monitor buggered up. I did have other computers to use but you know when everything you're used to isn't there and stuff isn't the way it usually is and everything gets out of whack? Yeah that. And the other thing I mentioned.

I don't know if I'll continue powering forward with it like I did in November, posting most days of the month. I don't really have anything to write about like, ever. I'd prefer to write only when I have something to write, which is never so, make of that what you will.

It snowed. We woke up to a white morning. Not a super snowy scene but it was the most we've got so far this winter, so I took photos out the window of course, and lost my lens cap for that. Quite a trivial event but one that vexes me all the same, between that and the monitor I'm beside myself. Well, quite vexed would cover it.

Going Through the Motions

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to write. Again. I thought this making myself post every day would inspire me, spark some kind of.. can't think of the word, that's how much I can't think of to say stuff what, yeah I did that on purpose, but it's not working.

Strangely enough there was a brief period in late November where I was getting inspired and thinking up stuff late at night that I transcribed in it's watered down poor form for the blog the next day, but after I'd missed a few days but was trying to write every day anyway. Maybe it will come again, but I'd rather it not be so fleeting. Maybe I've just lost it. Maybe I never had it. What is it anyway? Do I even want it whatever it is? Does it even matter? Does anything matter? I'm just rambling for the sake of rambling now, I'll stop.

Just me and the cat.

Well not now, but earlier on. One year ago that's all that was here all day, and all for the next week and the week after.. or just that week I don't remember. It's funny that whenever I'm here alone I seem to communicate only with Cooley or with humans online, and occasionally a word with someone I'm buying bread and beer from, though the rest of the time, for the most part that's my life too. Every now and again I do stuff, work, act, go somewhere where people are but I don't seem to be so into that. Well the going to places where people are and drinks are I do fairly often, but no on my own usually, and that's when I'm usually most alone here, talking to the cat and whoever is out there in internet land. Like I was saying.

Echoes

It's getting kind of echoey in here again. Is that a word? Spellcheck doesn't agree, or at least not that it's spelt that way, of course, it doesn't agree with spellcheck or spelt either so what does it all mean?

Once again I have nothing to say so I'm babbling, it's quietened down again since my birthday, been sensible, and by sensible I don't mean working or getting things done or stuff, but basically staying at home for the most part, and not drinking, but it is December and there will be more revelries, though I'm actually looking forward to some again.

My monitor is screwed, or the computer, or some connection between the 2, some wacky conversation they're having with each other that isn't communicating what each needs properly, or something, anyway the monitor keeps going black. Well sometimes it does. Sometimes it does it every now and again, sometimes it does it all the fucking time and some of those times it keeps flashing before it comes back for quite along time. It's vexing, I wish it would stop it, but it won't, it will keep doing it and get steadily worse until it just stops working, I know this, and yet I choose to not do a thing about it. That would involve reading stuff and possibly watching some youtube tutorial and opening the back or whatever and I'm not going to do that, I don't do that.

All gone.

The well has dried up. I have nothing to say therefore nothing to write which is more relevant in this context. I've "literally" used up everything I have to write about and have nothing left. Yes, I can write about nothing, and seem to have no problem with that and often do, and yes, I can repeat myself, and I seem to positively revel in it, and do it very often as well, and yes I can repeat myself about nothing constantly but..

I have nothing to write about. There's nothing else. I have no more ways of saying the things I've said and and no more ways of saying the things that I've already said. I could write about nothing but there's nothing to say about that and there's nothing more to say.

It doesn't mean I'll quit the blog though.. oh I'll keep writing, at least once a day for this whole month, I said I would.

When one fails..

then one thing to do, particularly if one, like myself, is the sort to throw up their hands and say "what's to be done with this" about stuff, is give up. Others go more by the saying try and try again, or something like that

Anyway for once I'm gong to try to succeed at something. It's a modest task, but one which I did fail the last time I tried... although I did just finish yet another 365 project where I took and uploaded a self portrait and not always a terrible one for every day for a whole year so maybe I'm not completely useless for doing stuff... and it is to write at least one post here in this blog, every day for a month. I wrote most days of November, but I missed 3. It's still the 1st of December in my time zone and here is post #1, and maybe I'll manage to do all the other days, in any case I'll try.

Enough already!

This time of year.. it's just too much. I'm just too old for it.. (*snorts*)

Hannukah, Thanksgiving, birthday, and all those others, I"m sure there are some, even though I don't celebrate them all they're still there...

had enough of it!

oh yeah went out last night.. may have drank too much, harrassed some kids (honestly get the f off my ffing lawn what is wrong with you people) into playing Billy Idol at this party after trying to explain who he is and made it home on the same tram as 3 other of my fellow revelers though we'd all been doing our separate things for the last hour and..

ok it was awesome.. today was "consequence time" and you can tell that we had a fine fucking time last night due to our inability to get out of bed for most of the day.

But it's enough... this partying and holidaying and reveling and festiving and all that is for the kids and if I have not banged on about it anywhere near enough already then I'm telling you now that I'm no kid.

Yeah well.. it's December tomorrow so, I may go hibernate.

It's my birthday.

This is me.

And the sun goes down.

It's just after 16:00 and the sun has set on that decade of mine that I call the 30s. Some people would say 30's, but I say 30s, deal with it. Never again shall I walk in the sun as a 30 something. *gets all wistful and stuff*

I wasn't going to write about the upcoming changing o age that is coming up, as I've said absolutely everything there is to say about it, and more, numerous times, already, I was going to write about something completely unrelated, like, how on the weather they say it's a certain temperature but feels like another, I mean how can it feel like one thing but really be colder? If it's -1 then whatever that feels like is what feels like -1, and how come it's always lower when it's already cold? If it's -3 degrees, it doesn't have to feel like yet another 3 degrees colder? Of course, when it's 35 degrees, it feels like 38, but anyway, not the point.. as I was saying, temptation of musing on the poignancy of the sun setting on this 30s which is the new 20s and that's at least an 80s 20s so it's more like a late teens to early ish 20s if you're going back to a time when grownups were grownups and it's time for me to to stop goofing about and.. get a mortgage and a couple of grown up kids.. or something... was too much to resist. So I wrote about that. And I have nothing else to say about it now. Finally. See you when I'm 40 ;). 

And yet another day.

Why do they persist so? Another day another entry into this here blog for this month of November '13 and I'm merely 2 days from entering the next big decade. I'm still in my 30s, or the new late teens early twenties as they say, or if they don't they should, but that's coming to a close very very quickly, and I can't afford anymore of these days, so stop it! Stop reading, stop, turning the pages, there's a monster at the end of this book goddammit and I don't know what will happen when I meet it!

You might wonder why I want to stay here, on any of these days filled with pointlessness and petty anxieties, rather than thrust forward into he great unknown, with new exciting things for me to fail at rather splendidly though in a very boring manner, and new things to worry about that don't matter in the least, yes, my current situation doesn't sound that great, but at least I'm doing it all.. that is nothing much, in my 30s. I can't picture myself in my 40s, though, of course being only just 40 isn't quite being in my 40s thank you very much so don't start calling me that ok, well not yet but.. when the time comes, but all the same, can't picture it. And no it's not that I don't look old enough, I probably do, it's more. I dunno. I've mentioned not feeling grown up too many times to repeat it here again but, it's because I don't feel like a grownup. Ok I said it again.

I had this all written out in my head last night, as I was falling asleep, I had such brilliant observations, so wittily presented that I was really looking forward to jotting it down, but I forgot all the good bits and this is what you're getting. The good thing is, I haven't done that in ages, this coming up with something clever as I'm laying in bed at night, to write down on the blog (of course I forget what's any good about it by the time I come to write it down, so don't go looking through the archives for anything good), maybe this blogging every day has finally had some effect. Well we'll see, my brain may be getting something out of this exercise. 

Tonight is the first night of Hannukah, some people say it begins tomorrow, which is also Thanksgiving, but the proper beginning is sunset of the night before the official date, so it's now. We're having latkes. So yeah.. lots of things happening this weekend, it's party party party (not that we celebrate American Thanksgiving) and it's not even December yet! Don't know how I'm going to get through this festive season, in my old and tired state of being.

And the excitement never ends..

Still gotta use the upstairs flat to use the loo. Well, to use a proper loo anyway. I actually managed to open the door, well the gate in front of the door after a while. Oh, I had trouble unlocking it at first, and then again, and again, but then I figured it out.

It's quite cool up there, really weird to go up to an empty flat on my own, and of course taking the opportunity to check it all out, go to all the rooms including the weird storage attic room off the upstairs bit up the stairs. Felt like a real estate agent or something. Lovely view from up there, well it's our view, just slightly higher though different windows or off a balcony.

Vet night again, Cooley is getting used to the office there and was ok again tonight, though spending a bit more time in her hiding place behind all the pet food, mostly because the nurse was in the room with us instead o the vet who she knows pretty well by now, and other people came in and out a few times, but she's used to being there, sorta.. but when it came time to go back in the cage it was something of a debacle. The first week, Erik tried once and failed and the second time was ok. The next week, he floundered around trying to get her in the cage where she discovered her new hiding place, behind the pet food and felt somewhat chumpish and got scratched and hissed at and had no luck. Then the vet got her in the cage right away through some handy trick one would expect a vet picks up over the years. Today, Erik tried, failed and then said yeah you do it.. and the vet tried and failed numerous times to get her in there, and got hissed and growled at for her troubles. Now we really have to do our homework of getting Cooley used to the cage.. we did a good job of our other homeworks over the last week, but not so much that one. Then we went ot a bar, then had another beer, though I'm sure it's not at all noticeable, NOT!

Tomorrow is Hannukah, then what has been referred to as "a bullshit American holiday" by one of my friends who is currently at large, or at least not online to communicate with me.. Thanksgiving that one is, probably won't be celebrating that one so much as well.. no one eats turkey and the dolphins aren't playing and then.. yeah the big day I've been banging on about way too much, will get to that more then, don't you worry about that.

I feel like all this blog has been is me going on about the somewhat boring if mildly unusual minutaea of my day.. not sure how I feel about that. Ideally it would be something more.. less crappy, but what can you do.

And I present to you.. the key.

We have a key, an extra key, a very special key to a marvelous place which looks out upon the vista. We're just that important. Well mostly it's because one must use the toilet for uses which I won't go into detail about because I think you all know what one uses that particular contraption for.

It's been a day o dudes. Cooley's been snarking that it's dude city here, and well.. it has been. There was the plumber dude, who came to fix the tiles around the toilet, and the tap, who was scheduled to come 9am but came early. Seriously, they literally never come on time let alone early, but you have an appointment scheduled for am.. ( I know it's not that early but we stayed up to watch the Grey Cup well Erik watched it and I just stayed up watching other stuff cos he was like, you know, watching football) they come early. Only 10 minutes early but he said he was waiting outside in his car for an hour until a reasonable hour to wake us. No one said you had to get up that early dude, and you could have like, gotten tools before coming here instead of like, realizing you need tools when you see what the job needs, and going off to get them.. what did I tell you?

So.. after he came back the toilet was out of commission. Then afterwards we were banned from using it because the tiles need to be not trod on until some time tomorrow, but never fear, Martin, the landlord was to come with keys to an empty flat we can use the loo of. Phew.

Then someone came to look at the computer. Dude #2, a lady dude, but dude all the same. It was bigger and heavier than she realized so she asked if she could come back at 5:30, we said sure.. we're gonna be here, where else would we go?

So we're now waiting for the veggie delivery dude, we do that, well we've done that once, twice now, boxes of fresh organic vegetables, delivered to your door, up the 4 flights of stairs. It's real nice. They were supposed to come between 2:20 and 3:20 but they sent a message saying they were going to be an hour and a half late. So, I rapidly and expertly calculated it in my head and deduced they should be here, barring any miscalculations on their part of variables that would cause them to be still later, between 3:50 and 4:50. They came at 4:21, so.. they were on time. Sorta.

Now we have a lot of food, which is good. And we're waiting for Dude #2 the lady dude who came for the computer. 5:30 comes and of course she isn't here, another 10 minutes goes by.. more minutes go by and finally she calls. Comes at.. I dunno, 5:46 let's say. Gets it and leaves. Very quick.

So now, I'm thinking we're free we're free! We've been scheduled to be here for various dudes since 9am, 8:50 if you count the time he actually came and now we're free to be let loose and.. but we still have to wait for the key. You know, the key we need to be able to use the toilet. That's due at 7.

He didn't come at 7, it was like, about 7:44, I'm guessing. Now we're free. Though apart from going upstairs to the flat for the loo and checking it out (of course) and enjoying the awesome view from the balcony, I've been here all day, and probably not going anywhere. Got all this food, it's awesome.

Restful, restful Sunday.

That's how they're supposed to be so it's fitting. And as usual on a Sunday I did not much, and as usual for any day for me I did, nothing really. So relaxing, lazy and qui... *insert overused and imho quite outdated record scratching sound effect*

Ok not quiet. Had a dude come over to scare the cat. Well that wasn't his reason to come by, it was to put up shelves. He was a bit late, and then needed to go get some screws or something, so left to come back later.. this is like a rule for worker and fixit dudes here, without fail, at some point during their job, usually near the beginning, they need to leave to go get something and come back to finish the job, you'd think they'd figure out what kind of tools they need for a particular job after years of doing this but somehow it never sticks. Anyway, Erik had to go look at a monitor someone had cos I stole his other one for this computer after the one I was using on this one died and it was getting late, so off he went, even though I wasn't really sure how he wanted the shelves or where a lot of things are because he keeps moving things around and hiding everything, but whatever. I managed alright, even though the job this guy was a kind of interactive handyman, I had to figure out where to put the shelves, see if they were even, hold stuff, find an extra extension cord and when I couldn't because they all get moved, ie hidden all the time I took a bunch of things out of the one at our coffee station as I like to call it before we realized there was an outlet right by the spot he was working which I knew but I didn't think of at the time because I was too busy running around like a headless chicken trying to find another cord. Oh well. And it was really noisy, yeah, Cooley didn't like that, and well.. I wasn't overly fond of it. No one likes the sound of a drill. Well I don't know, I'm sure someone out there particularly likes it, there are exceptions to everything.

It did go ok and the shelves look good at least until they fall down which I hope they won't do, but that's my exciting day. Oh and I went out to lunch, well across the road and they forgot about my order and I had to wait for ages, and everyone else had already got there before me so I felt like I was holding everyone up, but I guess no one minded, and they made up for it, at the restaurant. It was actually a very pleasant lunch.

Tomorrow more stuff is being done, we're having a plumber wake us up at the crack of dawn, well 9am but you know, to come in and clink and clang and mess around with pipes and hopefully fix our leaky tap.

Life here sure is exciting :/

Going Places.

I was just thinking about traveling. Not really all that much, I read something that reminded me of somewhere I went and decided I'd write about it, so I did think about it a little, mostly recently I've been thinking of all sorts of things, the strange things people say, and do, and how they respond to you when you're out and about, like, when you try to do right by a complete strange and somehow that causes you to annoy another complete strange who makes their annoyance known. Or people and their weird ideologies, like robbing big chain pharmacies because capitalism, or something.. toilet line overhear that was btw... as well as people who feel so strongly about their ideologies that they make 2.4 hour long movies about them talking about it, whatever it is, interspersed with clips of stuff.. done well it can be good, done averagely it can be.. let's just say long. Oh and Jesus, cos of the  movie, wondering if he was a kind of plot to get more people into the Jewish god by making him more human or something, like everyone else's gods but not as much as an asshole, as either their gods, or their own god god, the king god rather than the dude god they allegedly made up.

But yeah, going places. Haven't done that for a while. Hopefully will next year, possibly even still this year, that would be nice. A warm place for January.. *picture blurs and goes into dream mode*

Not Yet On Earth

That's my answer. Not close to being born yet, actually. Just in case anybody asks the "where were you?" question in relation to the now 50 years past Kennedy Assassination.

50 years... 50 fucking years, time does sure fly, not that I remember it because I was, as I said, not fucking born yet. it's unlikely anyone would ask, seeing as it's not really such a big deal where I am, and well.. the bloody obvious, but if anyone does well.. blood will flow as it's pretty obvious I wasn't around yet.. my 30s people.. I'm in my 30s!

Yes I am turning a rather significant historical anniversary about something horrid all about myself, is there something wrong with that? Surely by now it's been long enough.. I mean, who even remembers that? You'd have to be real old..

If I had been around my answer would probably be something really boring like, was home and then heard the news on tv, or in a shop and heard the news on the radio, or.. kinda like my answer to the same question relative to more recent events, that I not only was alive to experience but am old enough to remember.. not something that was like.. mid last century, which of course I wasn't even around for cos like.. I'm in my 30s.. still in my 30s!!!

Yes I am going to keep saying that until it's not valid anymore. Surely I can have at least that.

Oh and Happy Doctor Who, he's about 50 too now I gather. I might drink to that one, not that I ever watched it or anything, but you know, drinks.

Sticking with it still.

Fuck I've been doing this for a long time. A long time is relative of course, and why do I feel a sense of dejavu saying that? *scratches head*. Blogging, it's blogging I refer to, specifically writing in this blog, this very one. It's not the first one, I had one earlier for a while on some weird unknown platform, but then late '05 I changed to this one and well.. there have been ups and downs and periods without many entries, but I still write, and I still write here, and I haven't zapped this blog and the one that replaced it and then the one I decided to start some time after that and then another one etc etc etc, not that anyone in particular does that, why am I even mentioning it, but I haven't done it.

Having so much in the archives allows me to see quite a few entries done on this very date, some of those years, strange the last one, 2011 is me merely mentioning I have nothing to say, another I had is about a dream I had about being in the mist, one of my dorky word nerd entries and some stuff about going to student film castings. Skimming through these posts it let's me see how little has changed in a lot of ways, as well as some of the utter crap I put in here sometimes, and all those many insignificant things I've forgotten that were such a big deal at the time, which are similar in so many ways to other things I've forgotten which once meant so much. A lot of grumbling, mostly grumbling, and being on the November page, I get to see at the top of every page, my annual birthday entry, lamenting the thought that I'm now nearing the mid 30s, in my mid 30s, getting to the late 30s, definitely officially late 30s and I really should be like, grown up or something by now, except for 2007. That year there is no entry for that date, no idea why. I wonder what I'll write about on my birthday this year?

*ponders that for a while*

Out there.

The world is big. It is. I mean, it's all relative, and compared to the size of the universe and indeed compared to other planets, it's either of average size or downright tiny, but the world is big, it just is.

The whole thing is pretty big, even if you limit that to just this planet which for the most part, is all humans have, and really, it's about as much as we can deal with, I reckon, sometimes even too much, most our lives seems to be stuck in one tiny part of one of the divided up sections of what in some ways is a relatively tiny planet.

Sometimes, you find yourself traveling large distances in one go, modern humans do this often. I have friend doing that right now, someone who's been quite an important part of my life for many years, even those 2 or so years that he was away during those years. Well last night we saw him for the lat time, this time around anyway.. before he went downstairs for a few more drinks before going home to sleep to get up to get ready to go up into the air and travel a large distance in one and a bit days. Less than 24 hours, from this very flat, to somewhere over Eastern Canada, where I'm by my amazing sense of deduction plus internet flight tracking am presuming he is right now*. So, big earth.

I on the other hand, have gone as far as down half a flight of steps outside the door so far today. That's just me, out there, even on the street below is an adventure for the likes of me. I wasn't always like this, that is, I'm not always like this, but, I am like this.

Now compared to Cooley, I do travel much further and more often. She doesn't get out that much though she does have an appointment today, which hopefully will go smoothly. We're going to the vet. So yes, I will get out, but won't actually get any further than Cooley the indoor cat gets today. Anyway, we did this last week, after an appointment with the vet to look at her eyes, when she said we need to bring her in at least once a week to get her used to it, and her. Her being the cat and her being the vet, I hope you can follow.

Anyway, last week wasn't so bad, Cooley didn't like it and was nervous but less so than last time she went to the vet, which was ages ago, and actually got very curious and excited in this brand new room that she got to explore. Hopefully there'll be more of that today, and less of the just being scared of shit. The whole idea is to get it all of that, and none of the other, but that will take time.

*assuming he made the flight, it may have been more than just a few drinks, but we'd probably know by now if he didn't make it.

I did it again!

Yep, and this time on a Monday, a proper working, get stuff done day. Can you guess what it is?

Hint, it starts with an n, ends in an ing, and has a big uth in the middle.

I'm sure you can figure it out..

*goes back to working on that*

This day, today.

These days, things are different. Than they used to be anyway. If  you listen to popular opinion, not for the better, in fact few eras seem to be more slandered than "these days". Much like the constant "them" that are always banging on about something, there is always something fucked up about these days.. there's too much crime, kids don't respect their elders, music just isn't any good anymore etc etc. It seems as though these days, mostly suck.

I don't necessarily agree, I think there are some positives, at least in my particular limited experience of where I am and the company I keep, for instance, I think that, if I were to go out and about doing my business, draped head to toe in velvet, then it would be, well maybe not socially acceptable, but out of the people who actually notice, and the few out of those people who actually care in the slightest, the majority of those would just think.. "oh, that's slightly odd" and walk by with merely a glance. of course, I'm not currently employed so as I said before, it's limited to my experience.

Still, you couldn't always say that, back in 1989, for instance, on this day things might be different, depending on where in the world you are, the company you keep etc etc. Now if you were right here, in Prague, or in fact anywhere in what was then Czechoslovakia, you likely get nary a glance, there was too much going on. Flag waving, key shaking, shouting and people, oh so many people, in every public square, demanding change, revolution, all that. That and the fact that this particular fabric was pretty well liked at the time, or so it seems, so much, that they named the revolution after it. You think they would consider it appropriate for one to drape oneself so, at such a time.

So on this day, that day, was a pretty big day. One that changed everything. Perhaps things didn't change quite on that day, except for the whole one in a life time event that occurred on that day (and well sorta on days surrounding it that culminated in this day being such a big deal) but it certainly changed things, and they did change pretty rapidly in the coming years, and kept changing, a little less rapidly by the time I showed up, and still less in more recent years, but.. they are a still changin.

And it is different, even from when I first got here. A lot more vegetarian and vegan restaurants for one thing, though that changed mostly in the last 2 years but of course there are more changes. Today things are different, tomorrow they'll be different again, it's just like that.

Today, that is this actual day, is a Sunday, so the fact that it's also a national holiday is kind of useless. Today, also the city was draped in a velvet fog (no, not that Velvet Fog) that was quite lovely in a way though obscuring certain details, and unusual in that it didn't lift all day. Fitting, one would think.. a coincidence? I think not! Ok, probably, but I haven't seen fog like this since.. lat year, at least, or at least since earlier this year during the long winter, although I think the last time we had fog like this  that just enveloped the city and wouldn't lift was November 2 years ago, which turned out to be a bad case of smog, which it most likely is again so I perhaps shouldn't be getting too romantic about it.

In any case, velvet jumpsuits, now there's an idea.

Lazy Day

Today could be classed as one of those. It's a kind of, after night out staying in Saturday although the beginning of the day, that is the 4 or 5 or so hours that were daylight were pretty nice, if most likely cold, where you don't do any of the things you meant to do, like, go outside for instance, stock up on stuff and edit that video finally.

It's possible a tiny bit may be done on the last one, but anything to do with daylight is over, being after 5pm so obviously well after the cutoff for that.

So, it's that sort of lazy day, unlike the other kind of lazy day which is the "not after a night out not weekend lazy day where I generally don't do anything" as most days are.

Yesterday would be considered a lazy day, as I didn't do a damn thing, but I found it quite a busy day, it took me ages to get around to having that second coffee for reasons anyone reading this, assuming (I'm pretty sure correctly) that consists of exactly one person, will know.

It's still early evening so who knows, might do something, like, watch a movie perhaps? Is that lazy? I'm not sure I now anymore, anything I manage to get myself involved in is sure to be lazy, it's just a matter of degrees really.

Tomorrow is Sunday, so you know, I have excuses for what kind of day that will turn out to be.

Something to ponder

Is there such thing as normal?

Are we really real?

If so, what is real? Life is how it is nowadays, different to how it was, and different depending on where you live, where you fit in society, who you are etc? Realities are so different for everyone, my reality is something that would be strange to many people who's mundane existence is made up of things that would be very weird to me, not just because I live a somewhat unconventional life, whatever that means, but just because I don't do the stuff they do, just because? Is this still a question anymore? A jumping off point? Does it matter? Is there even a difference?

If you put a question mark after any old sentence then does that make it a question?

Do I have too much time on my hands?

That last one was rhetorical?

Yes, I did that on purpose? And no, my previous question seems to have answered itself?

Should I go make another coffee now? Also rhetorical?

Freezing Point.

Yesterday, morning the temperature here, at least as reported by one site, was 3 degrees on the celsius scale, that was the official temperature, but apparently it felt like 0. That is zero, no degrees. "Zero!" I cried, "have we hit that point already", I told myself.

The answer was no, because it was 3 degrees.

Then this morning came. I got online, visited the same place, this site that I use most often for getting my weather information and though I'd locked the cat out.. allowing me to sleep in, therefore coming to my weather information just a bit later, there was a big fat 0. Right there in the bit where they tell you the temperature, the actual official one. So if I'd asked myself the same question I asked yesterday then the answer would be "yes". It is that time of year, we've hit that point. Oh and it felt like -3.

I'm not really sure it did feel like -3. It probably wasn't (that is 0 degrees and feeling like -3) by the time I got out but it was damn cold. I went out bareheaded, because I was rushing to meet someone who was late to meet me anyway, and couldn't find my woolly toque (as some call it) in time, and I felt it. Really could have used it, though it was the middle of the day.

It's drizzly, misty, the trees are almost at their winter bare o leaves phase and it's certainly cold enough. Winter is certainly coming, and it's very near. Brace yourself for a long string of boring weather posts for the many months ahead.. assuming I actually keep up with blogging regularly, of course.

Those things that just irk.

You know, those things.

I get irked a lot. I have a lot of irrational things that just bug me, in fact, I started, I think a series of dumb stupid irrational things that piss me off, or something like that, and it sort of petered out even though the things that annoy me that are just, well dumb, didn't go away, nor did new stuff stop showing up. I guess I just stopped writing in general.

Of course, there are plenty of things that get on one's goat, that burrow themselves under one's skin, that needle one that ruin, if not one's entire day at least a minute or four which are entirely reasonable. There are a lot of these. When you combine all of them with the stupid shit that exasperates me, it adds up, and makes for a rather irritating time.

Today I experienced one of the latter. A very mundane boring thing that we all experience and we all get pissed of at. Yes, literally everybody both experiences and finds this particular thing vexing, it's just that universal. I went shopping, for food and stuff in a supermarket when one gets that sort of thing (yes, literally everyone does) and there were tons of people in the line. It was leading out into the aisles, you know, where you have to squeeze to get past people while you're still shopping? Yes, like that. So that sucked, but what really pissed me of was there was a ton of people working there, they were just too fucking busy getting in my way every time I tried to turn a corner or check on something and seriously, every fucking time I took a step a member of staff was in my way, or walked right by with some boxes.. not many but some, and didn't even bother to slow down or turn slightly so I wouldn't be squashed into the shelves when they went by even though they saw me in plenty of time to do one of the two, either one, they had a choice, but still, they go bowling into me, sort of. In any case, I've never seen so many staff in a supermarket at any one time, couldn't move for them, but still...

there were NO FUCKING STAFF AT THE FUCKING REGISTERS!!!

Well there were but not enough for the number of customers in the store, hence the long lines.

Working Day

It's Monday, yet again and time to get to work!

Yes, I'm getting to that. Not, work necessarily, as in going to a location where I perform tasks which it has been heretofore agreed upon that I will do for the benefit of receiving a certain amount of money for a specific period of time, or per task or group of tasks. Nor is it work in the sense that I do a particular thing that is of use to someone somewhere for which I receive again, a certain amount of money etc etc.. and make a habit of it, ie, what is often referred to as "working for oneself". No, it's neither of those kinds of work. Important point being, no money is procured out of any of this.

It is also not work in the sense that I'm trying to, by way of modern forms of communication find out if well.. anyone out there, who's willing and able to pay, needs the application of skills I am in possession of. No, not doing that. I should be, in fact, I intend to be all the time, it just somehow doesn't happen.

This Monday (as most Monday are) has been more of a.. well, thinking about getting those particular things done and feeling worse about not doing them and worrying more, than I do say, by Thursday or so. It shouldn't really make a difference. The few and far between listings of anything I could actually do, which is also something that doesn't require a whole lot of or (or usually any) experience or qualifications which I usually (let's just say never) don't have, which is also something that I'm confident enough about being able to do that I won't definitely screw it up due to nerves, and just as I'm starting to feel ok about it, and I'm being stupid about being so paranoid they're going to dump me any minute, I get the gentle message that.. sorry dear, it's not working out can show up any day of the week, though not many weeks, as one might imagine.

So yeah, didn't do that. I did clear the computer a bit though, swept the floor a bit, and edit some photos, and I wrote this so the fact I didn't work, look for work, edit any of the about 20 by now videos, movies or shows we've filmed, do any language practice, go out into the world and walk, take photos or anything, look up monologues, classes, read something educational, make lists about all the things I should be doing so I remember to do them and allocate days or times for particular things so I don't feel like I should be doing all of it in one day so I never do any of it.. is.. um, where was I? Yeah.

I think I need to use shorter sentences. I think I'm confusing myself.

Keepin the peace

A bit of colour and happy thoughts for a Sunday.

*unblocks the block*

I'm not sure if I ever actually had writer's block. I don't ever have trouble writing something if I could be bothered to do it, I always manage to type some letters that form words which sometimes but my no means always form some sort of coherent thought, it's just that. Well.. when I write, it's usually just me, typing some letters that are squashed together in words which actually most of the time, don't form thoughts that are very coherent to anyone but myself, and sometimes not even to me. When they are clear, concise and.. crisp, they're pretty boring like.. me talking about how I'm not doing anything and don't want to write in depth about how I'm feeling or about stuff that matters and if I am doing stuff then I really don't want to write about that just because and instead I write about not really having anything to write.

Don't know if that's writer's block. More.. I dunno, a giving a shit block, or opening myself up block, being able to impart meaning, even the tiniest bit to a small part of the universe block. It's a block, but not that of the act of typing letters to form words etc etc etc.

I used to have stuff to write about. Long long ago. Whether it was directly about myself, ideas based on things I experienced or just.. anything, I used to get ideas while I was falling asleep, and write a post in my head that was, at the time of thinking it out, quite brilliant, and of course I lost all the best bits by the writing down, but I had ideas.. themes, things to say that wasn't just.. I did this today, or I didn't do anything today so I thought I'd tell you.. just, stuff. I'm sure it's all there in the archives.. way back, it's at least 4 or 5 years since I've been doing the latter.. but even that, 2 or 3 years ago though what I wrote was far from brilliant or even worth putting out there, at least I did, and I wrote something slightly different from week to week, if not necessarily every day.. it just seems as I wasn't as shit at this as I am now, have been for a long time.

Maybe it is writer's block. If one takes writing in any way seriously, then I guess it is. It's just been a damn long one.

And another week comes to a close.

Not that it makes any difference to me.. Monday, I hang around here, do nothing, Tuesday, much the same. Wednesday, possibly I go out, get some stuff, take a photo of a leaf, depending on if it's nice out there and if I can be bothered, Thursday.. etc etc etc.

So yeah it's Friday. End o week. Just came back up from the bar after having 1 1/2 more beer than I intended to talking to a friend who's most likely leaving soon and almost meeting some guy called Blane who used to play the guitar with Cake, and possibly Sonic Youth.

And now well.. the weekend. Much the same as the week really, and I totally, seriously intend to do the 8 to 180 things I absolutely want to or have to do to get my life in some kind of resemblance to order.

Next week will be the week. After almost 40 years (about 3 weeks shy of it) that will be the week.

Now is the weekend however.. time to.. do much the same as I do every other day of the week.

Just wanted to say..

that I have nothing to say.

wait...

*thinks*

no.. false alarm. Carry on.

Chestnut Season

I don't know if it is or not, well I guess it sort of is, in the Northern Hem being Autumn and general harvest season and I remember seeing some lying around this time of year, but that's beside the point. I use that title because I'm relying on an old chestnut that I used to visit often, if I'm using the saying correctly which I almost certainly am not, along with some incorrect metaphors or some other idiom if that's even the right word for what it is if it's anything. 

I'll just get to the point.

Word o' the day is: 

adscititious: added or derived from an external source; additional.

Quotes:
These were significant appendages, to be sure; not altogether adscititious .
-- Ameen Rihani, The Book of Khalid , 2012
His delineations of character and action, if executed with ability, will have a raciness and freshness about them, which will attest their fidelity, the secret charm, which belongs to truth and nature, and with which even the finest genius cannot invest a system, of adscititious  and imaginary manners.
-- Catharine Maria Sedgwick, Clarence , 2011
Origin:
Adscititious  comes from the Latin word adscītus  which meant "derived, assumed, foreign."

So, literally every word that's ever existed in every language ever, if you want to be technical. Maybe except for "ug". I suppose some words are more adscititious than others. Just as well I don't have much use for it, it's a pain to spell, and it's obviously a not well enough known word for spellcheckers to recognize, either that or I'm typing it incorrectly every time, which is quite possible. 

Made it to three.

It's the 5th day of  November and I have already failed in my quest to post at least once for every day o the month. Yes, you may notice a glaring lack of post dated the 4th of this month which was yesterday the day I completely forgot to write anything. Very poor if I may say so myself.. didn't even make it to the 4th day.. pathetic.

I will continue to write, I'll try to every remaining day, of course, there is the high likelihood I'll completely forget for an entire day again seeing as I've already done that, after only 3 days but I'll keep trying.

We did get the cat to the vet, so that's something of a triumph, the vet couldn't examine her properly because she freaked out too much so that's not so much of one but baby steps.. and there isn't anything too wrong with her, there was a bit of squinty eye which seems to be getting better, nevertheless we have drops for her, which of course, she doesn't like.

You can see why it's so easy to forget to write, with the busy exciting life I lead.. and I'm not at all being sarcastic there.. *said in a totally non sarcastic way*

Hopefully I'll be back here tomorrow, musing on another simple idea.. if I remember. I wouldn't hold my breath though.

Dreary days are here to stay.

It's that time of year. Of course it is because it always is, not only is it always some time of year, but it seems like it's always that time f year, you know, its changing, days are getting shorter (or longer depending on which side you're coming out of) and things are just.. bleah.. or ok to well but at the moment they're kind of.. eh..

it's November.. we know we know we know! After the time change, late autumn rapidly approaching winter... getting set in for that long line of cold/dark months. If you're in the Northern Hemisphere anyway, and a part of it that is far enough from the equator to have seasons, which I am, both.

And it's been one of those weekends, drizzly, grey and drab. As far as my personal activity and surroundings, much the same, just a nothing couple of days. Sure Friday was interesting if you want to call it that, starting with trying to get the cat to the vet but being unable to get her in the cage and scoring a nice deep scratch on the hand for it. Then getting a call from a friend to help with this other friend in a bar nearby.. he, the other friend had passed out, after a night and morning and early afternoon of drinking and nobody could move him. So we went down there and just waited for it to be possible to get him out of there, along with some prodding and urging and pretending to be the police. I know it sounds like a lot to complain about being in a bar having beer with friends of an afternoon, but when your stuck there, and you have no idea how long you'll have to wait and really, it's kind of a shitty place well.. you complain about it. still, the most exciting day I've had for.. I don't know.

Yesterday Erik was away all day doing another scene for Descending Roads, I movie I worked on last yeasr through knowing someone from a play I did, that I did a shitty job of something I really didn't want to do on, and Erik got a small role that turned into a slightly bigger one.. and I've done pretty much nothing the whole year no I'm not bitter why do you ask? Well anyway, I did nothing all day. And today well.. see yesterday. My fault, my own pathetic inability to get out there and.. well what exactly? But still, my fault.

So I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment, a mood, a tizzy, well not a tizzy just a.. I think funk covers it. Jeez it took a lot of words to say just that. At least that's something I'm not short on.

I accept!

Yes, I am accepting the challenge I have been given. What challenge? I hear you ask. Well, the one I was just given, that is, the one I sorta made up about a week ago or so and decided I might probably do, when the moth started.

It's quite simple and dates back to that post in late-ish October where I lamented the lack of recent posts, you know the one before the posts began getting less rare although still not exactly frequent and thought oh.. when November comes around I should say, start a thing where I write at least one post every day for that month.

So when this moth began, yesterday, I wrote about something else, but I posted, and today I'm posting too, about this whole plan of mine, which, hopefully I will fulfill barring forgetting to post one day or having a computer or internet mishap or having absolutely nothing to write about to the point where I don't write anything (unlikely) or just deciding that I couldn't be bothered to do it or perhaps another reason, but that's what I plan to do. Get myself back into the habit of writing, I guess, and see what comes of it.

Ticking away...

It's November. That month, the 11th month o the year, the 2nd last of them all, the one that yours truly, myself, that is me, was born in. It was the latter part of the month, but, the fact is that before this month is up, another anniversary of the birth o me, is going to happen, and this time it will be on of the ones that has a zero at the end.

I've had a few of those already, more than enough, imho and well, it's not the first time I've felt that I'm ill equipped to move up in the decades but this one.. well, it's another one.

They say life begins.. I'll just let that sentence fizzle out like that, but they say that, or they used to, and I'd be quite happy if that was true but fuck.. just fuck!

I've been told I look younger, from a few years to the sort of claim you know people are being ridiculous and saying you look that young and they're complimenting you because it's so obvious you're so much older, but it's nice to know I don't look quite my age, and I'd be lying profusely if I claimed it wasn't predominantly for vanity reasons I'm having this whole episode, but mostly, well not mostly but largely, right along with all the other stuff it's just that I can't fucking believe I'm so fucking old! I mean, by mid 20s you start to feel you should be grown up, sorta.. by 30.. it's like.. ok, that's more grown up, or should be, but it's not because I'm not, but today, the 30s are like.. well, an extended 20s, then you're nearing the mid 30s, then you're 35, then you're in your late 30s and it still seems like fuck, there's no way I, me this dumb kid in a grown up body is that old..

and then you're going to be 40 at the end of the month and it seems like if you're not going to exhibit any, not one single signifier of being an adult, of being remotely responsible in any facet of your life, that you haven't achieved one fucking thing your entire life well.. you aint ever going to.

That's pretty much how I feel about the whole thing.

A bit spooked..

It's a scary planet, can you imagine if someone just showed up out of the blue, what would they think?



I have no idea.. but I did go for a walk in the park earlier on in this costume that Erik got me last Christmas when he was in Toronto early last December. And oh yeah, it's Halloween.

I had something else I wanted to say, but I forgot, I think.

Keeping It Up

So I've decided I've got to keep it up. The blog that is, and in order to do that I've got to be used to blogging, I've been doing it so rarely recently that I don't even remember that it's a thing you do most of the time, and a thing I do, or rather used to, quite often, so here I am, getting back in the frame of mind.

Exciting times recently, yes, being slightly sarcastic, had most of my clothes trapped in our washing machine for 3 days, many people, including myself and a couple of dudes tried to get the stuff out.. machine itself was totaled, that was clear from early on but dude after dude came, acquiring more tools and trying to unlatch a latch thingy.. and then Erik finally just wrenched some metal around a hole and pulled them out.. so, nice to have it all back, despite them smelling a bit.. well, like they've been damp a bit too long.. o well..

A lovely few days we had, sunny and actually warm which often doesn't accompany sunny days in the colder months.. today it's gone gloomy again but, I had a few nice days int he sun, autumn photos, all that.. so, it's something.

Some fun coming up, someone's birthday, the last minute scramble to get a present, a night of partying, all sorts of fun, halloween, er.. video editing, more shooting, those last 2 are more ambitions than things I actually think will happen but one must keep ones.. er.. I forgot how to end these things.

Well.. I'll get there, with practice.

Well.. no change there then.

It's been slow. Not much gone on, still haven't edited the movie we made in one day last month, did I mention that? Was my last post before or after it? No matter, we did this quite fun and cool thing and now it's the hard work of turning it into something. It will be done, it's just, hard that stuff, you know?

So I'd like to get into the habit of writing again, like, regularly as opposed to at least once a month just so I have an entry, at least one for every calendar allotment of time, so here I am, writing, getting myself into that frame of mind where I write about stuff, any stuff, or even not stuff but just.. something.

This particular post won't be about anything except that, you know, what I just wrote, but I'll be back with something, Maybe even with stuff.

Well fuck.. this blog is dead, I think.

It's been a month. A whole month! Well, minus almost 10 hours but that's quite a long time to go without posting, for me. Just haven't been, I dunno, in the frame of mind.

A month ago I was busy, I was working, getting used to the new swing of things, braving the heat out on the street, but things were pretty positive. I think it's about a day after I last wrote that things began to edge downhill. Maybe 3 days I dunno, but well.. I don't want to whine but.

I still think I'm pretty good at it, tour guiding that is. In fact, I know I'm at least good to fucking great depending on the day, usually somewhere in between, but the powers that be don't seem to think so, at least I think they don't think so, it's hard to tell, they don't tell us anything.

Just things, it started small, then I got over that but something else smallish came up, that turned out to be bigger, then something completely fucked up which for a while didn't seem to matter then the other thing came back and mattered eve more than I thought it had or well.. actually I don't know, there's something the matter but I really don't know exactly what and just how much.

So I don't know where I stand at the moment, it's stressful and does a number on my confidence which I don't have much of in the first place, and well.. I'm going to be honest here, I'm a wallower.. and hearing that I'm basically shit in one way or the other, both this job related and otherwise, again and again, when I'm just desperate to for once hear some good news... plunges me into the depths of.. well wallowing. I shouldn't do that, I know, it's unproductive, but, it's true I do that.

Oh I went to Slovakia for the first time, the other day. Been living here over 10 years and never been to Slovakia, can you believe that? Well I have now. To Bratislava. Just for one day, for a purpose, not mine, but finally the purpose was a good one, so we went together and made it a nice day.

I do have another audition today, I think. It might even be a callback from the last time I went to one that I thought I'd not been considered at, but I'm not sure. Not sure of anything. It's pretty much how things usually are for me, I don't even know what's happening in my own life. I should do something about that too.

I might write again soon, but I don't know.

Something to write home about.

I always have things to write about, really, even when I don't have anything to say, I say it anyway. I do actually have a few things to say now, though I've forgotten most of them. I've been more busy than usual, actually doing stuff, working mostly but that's not what has kept me from jotting down characters in this here blog in a somewhat organized manner.. I just haven't.. wanted to, I guess.

So, I'm now working. It's been a while but I'm back in the ranks of the employed. Well sorta.. I kind of work for myself in a technical way, though not in an actual way.. although I guess that counts as employed.

It's been a few weeks I've been doing tours for real life people and to be honest I think I'm pretty fucking good at it. Maybe not the best, maybe not fantastic at every aspect, maybe I can still improve by doing more, and adding things, and implementing new ideas but, I'm alright at this. It would be nice to know this certainly though, because there are moments, you know.

We had our hottest day here on record yesterday, well.. the hottest day for like, ages anyway, which of course had to happen once I'm employed doing 2 plus hour walking tours around the city center, and yes, I did have tours yesterday, not tour, tours, one after the other, and although it wasn't as bad as the worst it could have been, and I did get through them just fine, it was.. well too hot for that.

So that's what I'm doing. Last time I bothered to write I had some auditions, castings int he near future well guess what.. they came to nothing surprise surprise. Well a student film but by this point I'd like there to be something else out there for me. And if it is one of them then a proper major role at least.. and maybe playing someone under 50.. especially when they're not going to bother putting aging makeup and not even mention that it's strange I'm playing someone so old.. while making such a comment about the main actor in the movie... well.. don't want to dwell on that. *grumbles about it*

So.. things..

Things people. Real things.

They are coming up. Got a couple of auditions, well one that I should go on for experience and to get used to being slightly more professional.. or rather a bit closer to professional.. let's just say, edge just a little bit further away from entirely unprofessional.. anyway, hope that'll do at least ok that I don't look like a complete chump. There's a casting for film school movies which I sometimes get cast in, and sometimes I don't so. .I'll see.

Oh and I'm starting work finally. I've been "training" for this company for ages and next weekend I'm finally starting the tours so that's something that will definitely be happening even if the other two events this week don't lead to anything further.

Yeah, I haven't been writing. I have been doing things, a bit. Was an evil guard/ front of house er.. person for  a production of a play about a future dystopia.. sort of. Went to Karlovy Vary for the film festival.. saw a couple of films but mostly hung around the city, being cold because it was freezing that weekend despite the calendar and.. well just more meetings and practice and tests to get to this point where I'm actually on the schedule for doing a tour although I haven't doen one yet.

I might write again, soonish. Then again might not.

I want a hat.

A real nice one. A Fedora, whatever that actually is, or a Trilby, I like the sound of that. Maybe one of those lady hats that ladies wore back when ladies wore hats. No reason, just like hats. Oh and reasons, metaphorical ones.

I'm in a rut. Surprise surprise, I know, nothing to write home or indeed on a blog about but nevertheless, here I write. You may notice there has been little writing of late, this among other reasons, may be the reason. Maybe not.

It stopped raining. Not forever, and it actually rained this morning but it stopped raining endlessly, and there was a bit of sunshine. I probably shouldn't have written this, because you know, law of stuff.

That's all.

It just keeps on raining..

And it rains and it rains and it rains. It's been only 3 or 4 days now, of continuous rain that is, there's been rain on and off for, well since it stopped being freezing cold some time in March or April, not sure exactly when that long winter ended, we've got new things to whine about now.

It just rains and it rains and it rains. At first it's like, it's raining, we expect it to rain sometimes. It rains on a Saturday, again, and we get pissed off that it falls on the weekend. Then it rains a couple of days and you whine about it, but that's what it always does, it rains, it just does. Then it rains more and you start thinking, this is going on a bit long.. and it just keeps raining. You start worrying that it might cause more problems than you not being able to enjoy that barbecue or having generally unpleasant weather that puts you in a bad mood.. but.. they haven't said anything yet, about the f word, and really.. you think this every year there's a bit of a prolonged period of rain.. you're paranoid because you were here in 2002.. and then you say.. well that was like, a once in a 100 years thing, so, we're not due for that yet.. give it 89 years..

but, then you read about warnings, see articles about the floods and the final nail in the water coffin.. international articles where our humble little city is actually mentioned, because of flooding. It's official.

Hey.. another month!

It's June now. Still not working, still not ready to start for one reason or another, it's raining, still not doing any theatre and still haven't finished editing the one small very modest video we shot a few months ago and haven't gotten a chance to do the other shoot that's been on the agenda for months because it keeps raining on the weekend. I have some new videos, well one.. it's nothing, I just made it so I'd have at least one single upload for the month, and didn't manage to edit the other one yet (see above) because of an inability to use audio editing software, partly anyway.. and of course I didn't make, edit or do any all month otherwise... and I have another that's not really new, actually it's about a month old, the one I uploaded at the end of last month so I'd have something... but no one's looked at it yet so it's kinda new.

I mean, the whole point of setting myself the modest goal of uploading one fucking thing at least a month was to motivate me to make these videos, edit, upload and have a whole lot of material, get better and better at doing this stuff.. but, every month I manage to scrape through, quickly editing something or shooting something pointless just so I have one.. I'm going to have to set myself more difficult or specific goals, I think.. something I can easily fail at.. maybe I'd do better :). I don't know.. maybe I should stop worrying about any of this and just, get a job already.

I wish it would stop raining.

It just drags on..

still studying, still writing, still editing, sorta practicing.

I've been doing this on and off for over a year now.. ok so most of that time has been during "off" mode but still..

waiting for something, something I need to do this.. at least to finish..

I'll get there. I'll let you know when.

Things Actually Happen.

So.. I've been a bit quiet around here of late.. just got out of the habit of posting.. and what a week! There are at least like.. 3 things worth mentioning.. at least, 3 things that I feel worth mentioning. Well.. last post was a photo from a trip to Krakow, that was fun.. journey there and back, I shan't be doing again, the train, 8 hours, overnight.. in a regular seat. For small parts we got a whole side to ourselves each but.. didn't last long as people kept getting in, and out, and the train stopped at a certain shitty station in the middle of skuzzy Nowhereville Czech republic and actually turned around and went back twice.. both ways, and for ages.. will hold a grudge about that pointless shitty down forever Bohumin.. I mean.. who the fuck even knows where that is? So.. the being in Krakow was awesome.. apart from a bit of tiredness.. the weather was lovely, we stayed in a nice flat in an awesome area, saw stuff.. and found a lovely restaurant which we'll go back to when we go back to Krakow which we will but just not on the train or at least not on regular seats. Oh and beer.. we had beer. Had a couple of tests for my tour that I'm supposed to be doing but am not yet.. and a lot of studying.. in essence I failed both, but, it's more of a training process and I'm getting there but I was hoping to be working much earlier so, mildly vexing but overall ok. Most important thing is, they fucked Flickr! They made it all new and exciting and vibrant.. which obviously sucks, because it used to be calm and boring and fast loading and you could see the pictures and how many comments and views there were and you could arrange your photostream in 2 columns with the sets down the side so when you uploaded 2 shots or an even number of shot sa day you could make sure your sp from the 365 project was in the left column and.. well.. I'm old and cranky and don't like it.. damn those kids with their ipods and tablets and general modern stuff! I've been fuming about it.. well a bit, for the last 3 days and at some point I'll get used to it and either start using it less.. just forget it ever bothered me or eventually leave it all for Ipernity which is just like Flickr except it doesn't have massive big "thumbnails" taking up your screen and you can see the text and stuff.. ie, like it used to be.

Oh and our water was gone. All morning, had to go out all stinky cos not only couldn't I shower, I couldn't even have a proper "whore's bath" as it's known as colloquially.. cos.. no water obvs. It seems the goobers that have been working on our road for the past month knocked something.. it seems to be back now, though trickling down very thinly. It's always something it seems.

Where I was.

Krakow, Poland.

And we're off..

Going on another adventure. Off to Krakow for the weekend. Just a short trip, for a short time but, it's something fun, something different. I've been there before but.. I don't remember seeing much somehow.. or rather I got hardly any photos of anything, you know like.. the town, buildings, people. I shall do that this time, as anyone who knows anything at all about me knows. Also my first time staying with someone neither I nor my fellow traveler have met before, it's my first "surfing" experience, so to speak. Should be fun, quite interesting.. had so many people here by now that it will be strange to be on the other side o the.. um, couch. Everything else for now.. my worries, the stuff I need to learn and know by Tuesday.. oh yeah, got a test on Tuesday, for something I like.. really need to do.. well all of that for now is, just that. It's Friday, I'm outta here and.. that's it really. Til Monday. At least.

Keeping Strong.

It's what I do. In the face of crisis, bleakness and looming er.. storms, it's how I deal. Yeah I wouldn't believe it either. When I'm faced with.. well, crap I tend to deal by wallowing in my misery and becoming incapable of doing much. I'm even less likely to get done that which I'm pretty useless at in general at a time that I need more than ever to do stuff, if you know what I mean. I get tired of being me sometimes. I'd do something about it, but.. I dunno.. *grumbles incoherently*

Storm away... please

It's been grey, drizzly and gloomy here for.. well, about a week after the spring finally came.. here in this part of the world were I live. Not so much rain, but always the promise. Always the hint of t-storms (as the hip new generation of internet meteorologists like to call them) in the air. But the t-storms don't come. Day after day, they (said hip new meteorologists) say there will be t-storms, but they don't come.. And it's another day of grey, just waiting for the inevitable t-storms to come. If they just came, it would storm and then it would be over. The sun would then peek out behind the clouds, and shine down over a beautiful green world. It would, if the t-storms just showed up.. but no.. instead we get a permanent grey cloud, looming ominously. If you think that's a metaphor well you're likely right. It sounds like one, but it's an imperfect one. When my personal t-storm finally shows up, it will lead, not to a new era of sunshine and butterflies but more likely the continuation of greyness, drizzle.. and possibly more and greater t-storms. Still.. at least I'd know something, which right now, not knowing anything, I think is preferable.

an unlucky number..

I had my doubts about this year.. you know, 2 thousand and what it is.. I mean, I'm not the slightest bit superstitious, not in any way, not even minutely anyway you stretch it but... I had my doubts about this particular year past the 2000 that are of our lord or whatever because of.. that number of years.. cos.. I dunno, stuff. I'm not denying there have been good parts of this year, positive things occurring, times of hope, times of.. well relative joy. I'm not saying that most years of my life don't for the most part suck but it just seems like.. this year sucks! I got through Jan.. got through the long long winter.. a few hurdles here and there that were of average crappiness that were gotten over but, now it just seems like it's nothing but shit! And so many types, of so many levels. If one thing goes ok, the likelihood that 2 out of 3 of the others is going to turn out bad enough to seriously fuck things up is pretty high. And I don't even know where to start on all of this.. I don't want to start on any of this, I want to push it to the back of my mind and well.. I can't not think about it, but at least keep it at the level it's at, and just not know about how potentially bad it can get. It could all go just fine, of course, out of all of these things, it could turn out that they're all not as bad as they seem to actually completely different than anyone who knows anything about any of this stuff thinks it is, and therefore not at all a problem. If so it would be best to get to the point of knowing that. The problem is, it might not turn out like that, and I'd rather not know. At some point, it will all affect me, whether I do anything or not. I am not looking forward to that.

and back to square..

I don't know. I had a big thing to do today which would get me one step closer to having it all sorted out. Not to get rid of the thing I have to worry about, the one that's more a worry as opposed a thing I need to do that's a bit fiddly and annoying to get out of the way which was what the thing today was, or the other thing I have to worry about which isn't my thing but it's still a thing I have to worry about due to my involvement with the worryee in that case.. so... I went to do the thing, you know, the thing that wasn't a thing to worry about, but a kind of annoying fiddly thing that I need to get out of the way to finally be properly official. Well.. it turned out to be something that I have to worry about, which is an actual worry. And all the other worries are still there. No update on those.. Kind of a sucky day.

a bit o' action here

Yesterday my city was in the news. The proper news that is, the one that goes all around the world. There was an explosion, heard all throughout the center.. well, nothing (at this point there has been no foul play discovered) sinister.. just an unfortunate, er, mishap. Gas explosion.. o course, those have been happening with some regularity recently so.. who knows. *looks around suspiciously* No one has been reported dead, thank goodness, though up to 40 people are injured. It could have been much worse and for that I suppose we should be thankful. My personal involvement was knowing 2 people who were in the center who heard the explosion.. a whole lot of early contradicting reports and walking by here.. Not a lot to see.. just a closed street, police and a bunch of gawkers. *shakes head at gawkers* I mean.. what's the world coming to?

I should write.

I haven't been so much. No real reason, as you well know, not having anything to write about never stopped me before so.. *lets that thought wander off without finishing it* It's been generally uneventful but internally hectic. A whole lot more is bloomed, I've been relieved, depressed, anxious, basking in the warm glow of knowing that everything is just fine or is just almost.. but, there's always something else.. and there's always something that isn't as sorted out as you thought, and there's always stuff that comes back. And it's all been this week. Still.. hasn't been that bad. Went to a few auditions, performed poorly or at least not as flawlessly brilliant as I'd liked to have been and in any case haven't heard back from any of those people.. did get a small role in a short movie, with a compliment on how good I was in another short movie a year ago so.. perhaps I'm not all bad at this acting thing, though, not necessarily all good. I'm not sure I know. Still hovering in the same place regarding other things, closer to having all may papers sorted out. Weather's been nice, well until we get to the weekend, when it decides to rain.. two weeks in a row already. So like I said.. nothing to write about.

Slowly getting..

there, things together. I did achieve a fair bit.. on Monday.. and took some steps toward doing more the rest of the week. I mean, for one thing, I'm properly a proper citizen which I already was but I didn't have one particular thing that literally everyone has here.. that is citizens and because of my weird status I didn't. For ages. Now I have it. That's the thing I did on Monday.

To be fair to myself, and that's only necessary if I agree that I haven't done all that much over all this week really which I'm not entirely convinced of.. I have been doing a lot of going out and having fun this week. Well going out.. reading a play, seeing live music, not just drinking beer...

Spring is pretty much here and just in time for the weekend it's overcast and promising to rain but.. I'll probably live with that.. more guests, with whom we may party some tomorrow.. there's a big thing in a park and whether or not it rains (it will) I reckon we can have some fun with that. And it is nice, that though the sky is grey.. yes still grey and not dark after 7pm, there's still some colour, as those little things that are supposed to be on the end of the branches of the trees.. are finally showing up properly, some of them. It's a definite improvement.

Life round here..

in picture..



bit noisy, travel disrupted... at least it's nice walking weather.

Sometimes I think I'm not as clever as I think I am..

Really. It's true. And if you think that makes no sense well.. told you I wasn't that clever. Not as much as I think I am anyway.

I'm aware that I have no formal education. I know that people do judge people on that kind of thing, and well.. consider that kind of important but, it never really bothered me too much and when I say never I don't particularly remember a time I really thought about it which might be because it's not recent enough or that I never really thought about it.

Semi recently it's kind of bothered me a few times. When everyone you meet talks about when they were at uni, just in casual conversation, or more specifically about where they went to school and what they studied etc etc and it seems like.. everyone like.. did that, at least people you know who are doing clever people things, who are clever and who people consider clever.. and I start to think well there's something in that. Maybe.

And then because I didn't confront it too much for a while I didn't dwell on it really, or something like that.

I haven't mixed with people really for some time now, not since the last job or class or whatever that I did and that's been, well, like I said a while. I do spend a fair amount of time on the internet though, much of it on cleverly written sites about (semi to quite, and when not at least treating it like it is) clever stuff, by what seems like clever people who almost universally are properly educated, that is, with degrees and stuff, much of it in the comments sections and well.. I come across stuff I don't know all the fucking time! It doesn't always and didn't always bother me, some things I don't know, many people don't know these things because it's not their area of expertise or their interest or their country or their.. whatever, but sometimes it's like.. words.. words!!! I don't know the meaning of many words that these clever but not unusually so people just use in these conversations like..  you're supposed to know them! I look them up sometimes but it doesn't help the feeling that it's something that I should have just known.. and people get into conversations about philosophers or certain writers or movements in.. whatever, like.. you're just expected to know that.. and I don't! I could look it up of course but.. same again, rinse repeat or whatever the kids are saying nowadays in reference to such situations.

I know that I notice these things because they're the things I don't know, and the many people out there who also don't know them aren't writing about them, and there is much I do know, at least when it comes to nerdy stuff like words and certain (pretty limited but still covering some not so universally known stuff) about literature.. and whatever so, perhaps I'm just, somewhere in there, not so close to the top but not anywhere near the bottom of generally clever. I don't know, sometimes I feel that I'm a bit dense on certain subjects, largely because of the lack of formal education, which wouldn't bother me so much except for that I've always (and by always I'm covering the time I mentioned up there somewhere, from the time as far back as I can remember when it never bothered me, to some point where it first bothered me) thought I didn't miss out so much because of it, not the not having a degree that can get one gainful employment bit, but that I wasn't intellectually um.. less and stuff to those who had gone to uni, due to being like.. clever and well read and stuff.

I think now maybe that's not true, and there are things like.. what the hell Kant is all about, that I don't know, and it seems as though people, not just the particularly super clever ones that normal people don't worry to much about keeping up with, but regular ones albeit those who are schooled do. Overall it makes very little difference in my life, but, oh I dunno.. whatever.

It's always something..

isn't it?

For almost a week there I had a very strange period during which I didn't have anything major to worry about, I mean, there was nothing great going on, stuff I know that I have to do that will be pressure at some point, and well.. it was still pre the cloudy/rainy but warmer weather we're getting now.. and there was hope in the air..

Of course it couldn't last. There always has to be something, and if I'm so damn boring that even the piddling little things that stress me out majorly can't even be bothered to infiltrate my life, then, it's got to be something that affects me, via the status of another, at least.

Right now I'm feeling a bit, impermanent, kind of in limbo, sort of transient, whatever that means. I don't know what's going to happen in the near future, or where I'll be at a certain as of yet undetermined time and while it's not spectacularly terrible, or really terrible it all, I just really would like to not have to think about it all.. there's a spring coming, finally, I have stuff to do that I'm happy to get busy working on, and well things are or at least could be pretty good here if we just... if it just was simpler.

It would be so much easier if it was.

It might be a seasonal thing..

but it seems like things are happening.

and when I say seasonal.. I'm not trying to say for sure that the season is different than the one it was.. certainly not.. just because it was.. well..a  few degrees warmer today, and sunny, and the forecast says it will get warmer still.. and warmer still after that.. no.. no difference.. no major difference.. same old thing just, possibly temporarily, slightly warmer..

but.. still.. it seems.. somehow..

I'm not sure what it seems.. it's probably nothing. Did another sorta acting thing tonight.. just said some lines.. had some beers after.. it was fun.

I won't say any more.

Milestones, Landmarks, Deadlines.

All of these things are important in the lives of many people, well.. by the very definition of one is something important to someone in a nutshell.. that is, figuratively, it neither means that nor is it in a nutshell if you take it literally.. oh, don't take any of them literally, that's now how I'm referring to them.

Them being, those things, the ones in the title. These are things that I make a big deal about, too big a deal about, particularly #1 and #3, that is the first one and third one in the title. I shouldn't because, well, these things don't really matter. I know that contradicts everything up to this point, but it's true. And I don't work well with them. I should just.. be, and do. Particularly #2, which is the thing I said second, ie "do". Just do it, as a certain footwear company says.. I should. Not to a particular point or standard by a particular time, not to have everything, I mean literally everything in my life and the world line up perfectly on a very specific date, but.. just do.

And hopefully I will do. And it will all come together, bit by bit.. and at a certain point of time.. everything will be literally perfect in every way you can name it. Or, at least pretty good, at some future point, not all that long from now. It might just work.

Surprisingly little to grumble about..

right now. So.. well, not much to say, really.

Oh yeah.. it's still cold.

*grumbles about that*
*gets told off for whining and gets told to move somewhere warmer*
*continues grumbling, including the part about getting told off about it*