JMG

January is a shit month. It's winter, it's the wind down after the festive season, it's back to work time, it's dark all the time, except for where it isn't but it is here so there.

It's just shit. Crap month, everyone's depressed, everything downhill. It's the 31st today which means it ends tomorrow, technically in 8 1/2 hours in my time zone. It'll all be over, it will be gone. For another year.

So that will be it, except reality isn't really like that, and when things are shit and a new epoch begins it doesn't necessarily mean things will somehow start to shine it just means that even more time has gone since you've earned any money and all the stuff you auditioned or applied for that you hoped would be replied to by the end of the month is officially not happening  and that it's time for the utilities to be sorted out (or not if you can't sort them out because it's so long since you've earned money) and it's time, I mean really time this time, not time like the other times when you said it was time to actually get off your ass and get shit done not like the other times and getting off your ass isn't only deeply unpleasant it's proving to be utterly ineffective and a wall of rejection well not even rejection just blank space is greeting you and the outlook for the future looks dimmer as every minute passes. At least it does if you're me and I am so it is.

Anyway, I've been in kind of a funk, in case you didn't notice.

Another year over..

and a new one just begun... grrr.. no now I'll have it in my head forever. So this is xmas, and the end of the year. Pretty much achieved the same as I have every other year which is an amount very close to if not entirely similar to um.. bugger all. *sighs* If I either cared enough to do something about it or didn't care about it at all life would be so much easier. I think it's time for a drink, no, to go though that script I need to know by tomorrow and maybe learn it.. not, for a drink. Later.

Keeping Strong.

It's what I do. In the face of crisis, bleakness and looming er.. storms, it's how I deal. Yeah I wouldn't believe it either. When I'm faced with.. well, crap I tend to deal by wallowing in my misery and becoming incapable of doing much. I'm even less likely to get done that which I'm pretty useless at in general at a time that I need more than ever to do stuff, if you know what I mean. I get tired of being me sometimes. I'd do something about it, but.. I dunno.. *grumbles incoherently*

Storm away... please

It's been grey, drizzly and gloomy here for.. well, about a week after the spring finally came.. here in this part of the world were I live. Not so much rain, but always the promise. Always the hint of t-storms (as the hip new generation of internet meteorologists like to call them) in the air. But the t-storms don't come. Day after day, they (said hip new meteorologists) say there will be t-storms, but they don't come.. And it's another day of grey, just waiting for the inevitable t-storms to come. If they just came, it would storm and then it would be over. The sun would then peek out behind the clouds, and shine down over a beautiful green world. It would, if the t-storms just showed up.. but no.. instead we get a permanent grey cloud, looming ominously. If you think that's a metaphor well you're likely right. It sounds like one, but it's an imperfect one. When my personal t-storm finally shows up, it will lead, not to a new era of sunshine and butterflies but more likely the continuation of greyness, drizzle.. and possibly more and greater t-storms. Still.. at least I'd know something, which right now, not knowing anything, I think is preferable.

an unlucky number..

I had my doubts about this year.. you know, 2 thousand and what it is.. I mean, I'm not the slightest bit superstitious, not in any way, not even minutely anyway you stretch it but... I had my doubts about this particular year past the 2000 that are of our lord or whatever because of.. that number of years.. cos.. I dunno, stuff. I'm not denying there have been good parts of this year, positive things occurring, times of hope, times of.. well relative joy. I'm not saying that most years of my life don't for the most part suck but it just seems like.. this year sucks! I got through Jan.. got through the long long winter.. a few hurdles here and there that were of average crappiness that were gotten over but, now it just seems like it's nothing but shit! And so many types, of so many levels. If one thing goes ok, the likelihood that 2 out of 3 of the others is going to turn out bad enough to seriously fuck things up is pretty high. And I don't even know where to start on all of this.. I don't want to start on any of this, I want to push it to the back of my mind and well.. I can't not think about it, but at least keep it at the level it's at, and just not know about how potentially bad it can get. It could all go just fine, of course, out of all of these things, it could turn out that they're all not as bad as they seem to actually completely different than anyone who knows anything about any of this stuff thinks it is, and therefore not at all a problem. If so it would be best to get to the point of knowing that. The problem is, it might not turn out like that, and I'd rather not know. At some point, it will all affect me, whether I do anything or not. I am not looking forward to that.

and back to square..

I don't know. I had a big thing to do today which would get me one step closer to having it all sorted out. Not to get rid of the thing I have to worry about, the one that's more a worry as opposed a thing I need to do that's a bit fiddly and annoying to get out of the way which was what the thing today was, or the other thing I have to worry about which isn't my thing but it's still a thing I have to worry about due to my involvement with the worryee in that case.. so... I went to do the thing, you know, the thing that wasn't a thing to worry about, but a kind of annoying fiddly thing that I need to get out of the way to finally be properly official. Well.. it turned out to be something that I have to worry about, which is an actual worry. And all the other worries are still there. No update on those.. Kind of a sucky day.

Surprisingly little to grumble about..

right now. So.. well, not much to say, really.

Oh yeah.. it's still cold.

*grumbles about that*
*gets told off for whining and gets told to move somewhere warmer*
*continues grumbling, including the part about getting told off about it*

Waiting for..

My problems are, in the greater scheme of things, pretty small. And I'm not just talking about the shame of whining about my First World problems when millions live in squalor, ridden with disease in a war torn zones... no, mine are pretty crappy compared to your typical adult Westerner. Still, they bother me.

There's this thing at the moment. A stupid thing that I caused by my own stupidity by being stupid. All my fault! Like everything that's crap in my life, can't blame anyone. Anyway, it's a thing, and whatever the worst is, it'll be a pretty small thing, that is something that wouldn't be such a big deal, a minor annoyance at best for a regular grown up, but for me, it's like.. I'm in trouble!! Stuff might happen!

And the worst most likely won't happen. Most likely it will be somewhere halfway between that and nothing, but.. I don't know! So I'm waiting for whatever might (but most likely won't) happen to happen. Any second (within a certain number of daytime hours on weekdays) someone might knock at the door, and it might be something that I really really don't like. And I don't like that.

So it sucks. And not only that, I'm making a big song and dance about, not nothing, but something that's puny, pathetic, pitiful. A storm in a teacup. And it's embarrassing. Well it would be if I gave more details. Not enough obviously for me to publish (sans details of course) it right here. So yeah.. just another crappy thing to put a crappy cherry on this crap Sunday that is... well, most of this year (apart from the week in Eilat, pretty much) so far.

I was joking.. joking!!!!

Nice little joke I made yesterday on the annual day o fools, the first day of April. Yeah, that site, the one from Science, wasn't real. well is was a real site but it wasn't really from Science.. there isn't going to be a new ice age.. that's ridiculous!

Well.. it seems like they're really saying it.

I mean.. yeah, people, even members of Science get things wrong sometimes, are influenced by the same biases/experiences (ie a really long winter that's getting like, real annoying) like the rest of us. And some of them disagree, well I assume they do because, they're always disagreeing, those Science people. Still, I didn't really want to hear that it's a thing, you know.

Anyway we probably have a few years left of, regular weather, whatever that is, and then I can move to somewhere that's too hot now, but will be just right then, maybe. I should get a head start on buying property, I suppose, if I can scrounge a couple of hundred thousand of one of the larger denomination of currencies together.

In any case, it's April. This was your last chance weather gods! I can't think of another milestone for spring to finally be here by and if you can think of one email it to me and I'll give you another chance but I'm telling you I'm extremely grumpy about all this! That and I have the sniffles. Do something about it already!

O and by the way..

it's cold. Really really cold. Super fucking cold. Stupidly, annoyingly, fuckeduply seriously cold. In late March. Spring, it should be, spring! I mean I had (not really in fact not at all by any stretch of the imagination) vowed to stop blathering on about the weather but.. it's just life. It's what people do, people here, where it's freezing, people in and from places that are visiting here.. there it's also cold, and raining, and grey, people on the internet, it's snowing there, and it isn't stopping.. so, it seems to be everywhere.. "literally" everywhere, well in the part of the northern hemisphere that get weather anyway. So, yeah, it was crappy as it was, winter lingering on and on and on, and we get to a weekend and what does it do? It drops temperature... to the minuses, and not just the minus ones and twos.. it's more sixes.. and if that's not enough.. we have the whole "feels like". What the fuck is the fucking feels like all about? If it feels like a temperature it is that temperature! Or is it is a temperature then that is what it feels like.. *scratches head* either way, it's either both or either. I think. And yes, it feels like less than it is, always, usually a degree or 3 but yesterday, and today it "felt like" about 7 degrees less than it was.. when you're already at -8.. you really can't afford that. And to really add insult to injury it's been sunny. Yes, I know that's usually good but it's (or it would be if it wasn't always like this) horribly deceptive.. or, it finally looks like something you want to go out in, but it like.. isn't. Did go out yesterday. For a thing, to meet and talk to people and eat lots of food. That was really good, the getting there was a bit annoying because there was a change of transport, a wait in between because our tram was late and we just missed our bus.. and of course this person lives on a weird street that round the bend in an area that is stingy with it's street signs.. and yes it was only an extra 5 minutes we were walking about, but at that temperature, and particularly at the temperature it felt like.. it's enough. Home was even more fun. It was about 11pm so.. of course.. well anyway. That's all. It's cold, and I want it to warm up. I cannot stress this enough, and if it doesn't you'll be hearing from me about it again.

When you've got nothing to talk about..

You talk about the weather. Hence this being something that could very appropriately called "The Weather Blog" when it's not the "me rambling about stuff that's bothering me and stuff in general without giving details.. often including references to the weather". Well, the thing is, everyone does, all the time. particularly when there is weather. There's always some kind of weather, I hear you say.. but no, not really. Sometimes it just.. is, it's quite nice, not too hot, maybe a bit cloudy but pleasant, and how it has been for a while and how it's supposed to be for the time of year in the place you're in. It's when it's all wiggy that you can't help talking about it. Like now. It's spring, it's been officially spring for 2 days and March for 22. Easter, that spring festival with a side of death worship is coming up and well.. IT'S BLOODY COLD!!! Yes, I've been saying this forever, and it has been, and then it kinda warmed up but not to warm, or anything near it, and it snowed, and then it melted and it snowed again, and then it snained (something between snow and rain) and some of it stayed and then it went etc etc etc. It was coasting along at crappy weather for this time of year.. ie SPRING but much like or even slightly nicer than it had been. Then the temperature dropped. It's even colder now. I'm not pleased. I did not order this.

Guess that rat/hedgehog thing was right.

You know, the one that looks at the sky and runs from it's own ghost? You know, the one in that movie where Sonny and Cher wake you up every morning? You know? It's right.

I mean, if it said we were gonna get 3 more months of winter which I'm sure it did, what else would it say? Well, it looked like it was getting nice here.. it warmed up, the sun even came out but that was like 2 days.. and on a Monday! As soon as it got near the weekend it got drizzly, and now that it's Friday it's got cold again and tomorrow it's supposed to dip right back down to winter. Typical.

It's because of me you know. All because I'd quite like it to be spring when it's supposed to be (almost) spring and just to make sure I don't get anything at all I want ever no matter what and always live under these nasty drizzly cold conditions, it's got like this again. It's not fair, especially when we just got back from sunny seaside Eilat and have to deal with reality like it is here! And then there's all the other stuff I've got to deal with.. life is just so hard.

I definitely need beer.

A default state of ruttitude.

What would you call that? I'd look it up but I'm pretty sure ruttitude isn't considered a word by those that decide these things.. who are they anyway? Who decides these things?

Yes.. off on a tangent in the first sentence? How does that happen? Well it happens if there's really not much to write about.. not much going on in life, not much in the head..not much.. where was I?

Oh yeah.. I'm in this rut.. I'm like.. waiting and hoping and preparing for the step that takes me to the next step but.. is it really a rut if it's always like this? I mean, when am I not just hanging around looking to the time that something will happen?

If you.. (and yes I mean you singular) actually still reads this blog,  you'll have an answer for that, and it's never. That's if you haven't forgotten the content (what content?) of any post because it's so mindnumbingly boring and then it will be "don't know, but come to think of it, most of the stuff seems to be blathering on about nothing in particular except for whining about whatever it is that's not much in particular so I'd say.. er.. what was the question again.. bugger this" *clicks off page, never to return*

yeah.. at the moment I need a paper that allows me to begin the process of getting another paper which will allow me to apply properly to the type of job which is pretty much all I can do at this point.. and that's not even thinking about the stuff I really want to do and like to do.. I'm just not doing that, at all, and there doesn't appear to be anything on the horizon.

So yeah, the usual.

And it's winter again.

I woke up, and it was all grey and stuff.. about an hour, there was a light smattering of snow on everything.. about a half hour after that, not so light smattering. And it just kept on going. It's quite nice really.. and for once, I didn't come across a single grumbler today, I either met with people of a similar background in that they come from places, even if it's been a while since they've been there, where it doesn't snow, or, well, didn't really talk to anyone, or speaking to tourists that are visiting, or just talking to myself, but I didn't have to listen to the usual grumblers grumbling that it's no longer that dreary, grey, leafless pointless season that is winter when it doesn't snow or where it doesn't snow, to the more, wonderland-ish type of winter, that's all white and beautiful. So that was nice. I believe it's still snowing too. I don't know how long it will, but it's possible I will start grumbling at some point, I won't just yet though.

*slams down phone*

I really really really want to slam the universal giant phone down on all the public in the entire world, forever. Seriously. That would make me happy. That and a beer, but mostly the slamming. And a beer. A beer would  be welcome right now but without the slamming o the phone, it'd be just a beer.

Oh I work with phones did I mention, this job I just started. Yeah. Well, I think it's a phone, it calls people up, you talk to people on it but it's like, got this boxy bit that's attached to a table and a separate handle thing you pick up, you know like those things people use in Mad Men. I think I remember something like that from my childhood and no I'm not quite that old but.. old enough for vague memories.. ok not so vague but you know, been a while since I've been anywhere near one of those things.

So after a few days of inadequate training, I got on the phone, just for a while in the last hour. Most of it was taken up with technical difficulties, so I really wasn't on for more than 20 minutes.. but, it was enough to know that.. well that it was shitty, at least the first few times. Was not ready, did not feel comfortable, did not like!

So tomorrow I gotta do it all day, and then the day after that, and the day after that is Saturday so I'll probably be doing the beer thing and then on Monday again.. and I know it'll get less awkward and less awful but still.. jeez!

*metaphorically slams phone on all the weird old boxy landline things left in the world*

na.. didn't work. Gonna need that beer.

That's one down.

Well 2 for Jan, but the first official working back to normal all those shenanigans over and our guests have left too so.. it's kind of that.

Also one whole (working) day of the year of the year passed without me having achieved a whole lot of the long long list of difficult and time consuming things I need to do before it gets too far into the year ok nothing at all ok.. happy!

Tomorrow I swear I'll get things done. What tings, I don't know, just how exactly cos this getting stuff done thing is so vague because it's all so.. encompassing its difficult to be too specific about it. But I'll do something, honestly. Well I'll try. I'll think about it.

I'd like to turn this here blog into something worthwhile with interesting stories, articles, stuff about ideas.. big events and general stuff that isn't just stuff that I'm involved in.. but so far there's no evidence of that.

Well.. happy beginning of the regular sensible season and stuff. I spose.

Start Spreading The Cheese.

I had one of the most frivolously annoying visits to a supermarket today. It was one of those things that is not pointless you don't want to mention on it, or even dwell on it a second after you're in the moment but extremely irritating in that way that totally small things that don't affect anything anywhere are. Just too many people, and people who happened to be right in my way every time I turned, hovering right over whatever produce or product I was just then interested in checking out. I told you, pointless, no big deal, but why were those people there? Every single time I needed to turn to a particular spot, there was someone standing spread out, with a huge trolley, somehow taking up as much space as possible so I couldn't go past? Vexing I tell you. And then the in store radio station belts out Frank Sinatra in anticipation of being in New York. I could have been there you know, right now, I could have been there had I not wasted my year not making any money. Now I'm here, alone, talking to the internet while my better half as they say in the parlance of these times, is living it up in that very city, or at least, physically there and doing a lot of wandering around alone, though he is getting to meet with people and go to bars and stuff. I want to meet with people and go to bars and stuff!!! It doesn't even have to be in New York, I'd be happy to go to the bar downstairs and meet with people and drink beer. I actually could do that because chances are there are people I know there, and maybe I will, who knows. Just another pointless day.

I think sometimes..

and then I stop. Why bother.

*goes back to sleep*

no really.. I spend most of my time musing, worrying, going over things in my mind, fantasizing, hoping. More than I should really. Even getting things down on paper ie the keyboard to the computer screen is more than I am able to push those thoughts. Further than that, they rarely make it.

I'm whining again. It mightn't seem like that at first but that's exactly what I'm doing. I'd like to get out of that habit one o these days.. haven't managed to just yet. Could be a while.

O FFS

Another week gone by.. well technically just starting and..

nothing. Nothing changing nothing going on nothing on the horizon.

It's partly my fault.. mostly my fault ok all my fault. I t's me that's the problem, me me and all me. There's things going on out there, not necessarily great things or things that suit me or things that would work out of rme but they are things. And I'm not part of them because of me.

I'm not part of things I'm not creating things not doing any things.. no things. There are no things!

Life without things is like.. I dunno. Not much.

I may feel more positive by the next time I write.

*sighs*

It's already the end of September already near the end of the year already autumn almost winter, and I haven't done a single thing. Literally haven't doe a single thing.

I mean I've done stuff, but there's all this other stuff.. and all this stuff that I was supposed to do and need to do and expected well not exactly expected but wanted to have done by now..

yeah I know, why do I even bother I mean I don't bother but why do I even bother updating. well cos.. cos I feel like it.

That's all.