Being Poorly

I have been rather poorly of late. Not to excuse the lack of posting, that's just because I have nothing to write. I still have nothing to write but nevertheless I've decided it's time to tap away at the keyboard again. I have been unwell, mildly, for a short while and I did not/do not like it. Not one bit. I did manage to actually work during a bit of it for which I should be sorta proud but really am nothing in particular about. I'm getting over it, but whether I'll get through the more psychological malady that's gone along with it, that remains to be seen.

Perhaps it's because it gives me too much time to dwell, and combined with feeling physically shitty it just makes everything seem so bad, maybe it's because things just are that shitty, but I've been wallowing, and whiny, and.. stuff like that. Yes, things are less than spectacular. Let's put it into perspective, these are all entirely first world problems, and of a particularly whiny wallowy person, so nought to get worried about, but being as it's me that's wallowing and whining, it does bother me.

Things are back to, square one I guess. It keeps happening but I thought for a while things were happening, well things were happening, but I thought that some would continue to happen and/or lead to other things and all the things combined would make a, if not amazing but at least pretty good bunch of things. Well none of those things lead to anything, and now there's nothing. I'm more than getting tired of this development. Further than that, I'm not proud of the way I deal with it. It's bad enough to be a failure at everything I want to do, even worse to be the sort of person who just can't deal with it. I am very much the kind of person who just can't fucking deal with it, and wallows, and whines... etc etc.

So this is bothering me. And the things that made me deal with the stuff poorly remains a problem. And after an actually quite pleasant evening last night which broke up the whining and wallowing, during which I oh so extravagantly had a bit of wine, I've had an awful splitting headache all day, which doesn't exactly help with the project (not that I've begun one, or even considered thinking about beginning one) to get myself out of my slump and become more-ish like the person I would rather be, or less like the person I am, to an at least reasonable degree. So there, that's been my couple of days.

Well fuck.. this blog is dead, I think.

It's been a month. A whole month! Well, minus almost 10 hours but that's quite a long time to go without posting, for me. Just haven't been, I dunno, in the frame of mind.

A month ago I was busy, I was working, getting used to the new swing of things, braving the heat out on the street, but things were pretty positive. I think it's about a day after I last wrote that things began to edge downhill. Maybe 3 days I dunno, but well.. I don't want to whine but.

I still think I'm pretty good at it, tour guiding that is. In fact, I know I'm at least good to fucking great depending on the day, usually somewhere in between, but the powers that be don't seem to think so, at least I think they don't think so, it's hard to tell, they don't tell us anything.

Just things, it started small, then I got over that but something else smallish came up, that turned out to be bigger, then something completely fucked up which for a while didn't seem to matter then the other thing came back and mattered eve more than I thought it had or well.. actually I don't know, there's something the matter but I really don't know exactly what and just how much.

So I don't know where I stand at the moment, it's stressful and does a number on my confidence which I don't have much of in the first place, and well.. I'm going to be honest here, I'm a wallower.. and hearing that I'm basically shit in one way or the other, both this job related and otherwise, again and again, when I'm just desperate to for once hear some good news... plunges me into the depths of.. well wallowing. I shouldn't do that, I know, it's unproductive, but, it's true I do that.

Oh I went to Slovakia for the first time, the other day. Been living here over 10 years and never been to Slovakia, can you believe that? Well I have now. To Bratislava. Just for one day, for a purpose, not mine, but finally the purpose was a good one, so we went together and made it a nice day.

I do have another audition today, I think. It might even be a callback from the last time I went to one that I thought I'd not been considered at, but I'm not sure. Not sure of anything. It's pretty much how things usually are for me, I don't even know what's happening in my own life. I should do something about that too.

I might write again soon, but I don't know.