Sometimes I think I'm not as clever as I think I am..

Really. It's true. And if you think that makes no sense well.. told you I wasn't that clever. Not as much as I think I am anyway.

I'm aware that I have no formal education. I know that people do judge people on that kind of thing, and well.. consider that kind of important but, it never really bothered me too much and when I say never I don't particularly remember a time I really thought about it which might be because it's not recent enough or that I never really thought about it.

Semi recently it's kind of bothered me a few times. When everyone you meet talks about when they were at uni, just in casual conversation, or more specifically about where they went to school and what they studied etc etc and it seems like.. everyone like.. did that, at least people you know who are doing clever people things, who are clever and who people consider clever.. and I start to think well there's something in that. Maybe.

And then because I didn't confront it too much for a while I didn't dwell on it really, or something like that.

I haven't mixed with people really for some time now, not since the last job or class or whatever that I did and that's been, well, like I said a while. I do spend a fair amount of time on the internet though, much of it on cleverly written sites about (semi to quite, and when not at least treating it like it is) clever stuff, by what seems like clever people who almost universally are properly educated, that is, with degrees and stuff, much of it in the comments sections and well.. I come across stuff I don't know all the fucking time! It doesn't always and didn't always bother me, some things I don't know, many people don't know these things because it's not their area of expertise or their interest or their country or their.. whatever, but sometimes it's like.. words.. words!!! I don't know the meaning of many words that these clever but not unusually so people just use in these conversations like..  you're supposed to know them! I look them up sometimes but it doesn't help the feeling that it's something that I should have just known.. and people get into conversations about philosophers or certain writers or movements in.. whatever, like.. you're just expected to know that.. and I don't! I could look it up of course but.. same again, rinse repeat or whatever the kids are saying nowadays in reference to such situations.

I know that I notice these things because they're the things I don't know, and the many people out there who also don't know them aren't writing about them, and there is much I do know, at least when it comes to nerdy stuff like words and certain (pretty limited but still covering some not so universally known stuff) about literature.. and whatever so, perhaps I'm just, somewhere in there, not so close to the top but not anywhere near the bottom of generally clever. I don't know, sometimes I feel that I'm a bit dense on certain subjects, largely because of the lack of formal education, which wouldn't bother me so much except for that I've always (and by always I'm covering the time I mentioned up there somewhere, from the time as far back as I can remember when it never bothered me, to some point where it first bothered me) thought I didn't miss out so much because of it, not the not having a degree that can get one gainful employment bit, but that I wasn't intellectually um.. less and stuff to those who had gone to uni, due to being like.. clever and well read and stuff.

I think now maybe that's not true, and there are things like.. what the hell Kant is all about, that I don't know, and it seems as though people, not just the particularly super clever ones that normal people don't worry to much about keeping up with, but regular ones albeit those who are schooled do. Overall it makes very little difference in my life, but, oh I dunno.. whatever.