A deep thought, just for a second...

Drinking shall commence very soon.

It's that time o' the year again, where we reminisce about the last 12 months, make plans for the next and mark the passing of the time thinking, drinking and being generally debaucherous.

I'll get to the latter stuff in a minute.. but first I must finish up business. Yes.. even I get serious some times, and as I listen to the early starters setting their rockets off.. I'm going to sit here and reminisce about the last year.. and make plans for the next.

Well.. the last year has been... I dunno. Done some stuff, not a lot but some. Very late starter it was, mostly the same as other years, didn't do much work or make much money.. went to a place I'd never been before that was a big deal.. and started acting class again. Finally acted in something in December.. and finally got around to my ambition of actually being the maker of a film even later than that in December.. with my collaboration in a very rough around the edges short film that no one's seen yet. So not bad. It covers last year's rez #3 except it wasn't one of those ideas I had, or my idea at all really but something new that I sorta helped in the coming up with.. but it's close. The work stuff.. forget about it.

I am proud to say though, that #1 I utterly rocked. I did a self portrait for every fucking day of this fucking year. And to celebrate, I shall present to you, number 365 o' 365..



For the next year.. I dunno, more of the same, more movies, acting in and making, better movies.. both again. Get a job, an actual job that pays money and.. well, just be super awesome in general.

I don't think that'll be much of a problem :P

See you next year!

That halfway house they call... um..

what do they call it? They don't call it anything really, because it's not anything particular I'm talking about. I mean that weird time between xmas and the new year, where it's regular days, and it's sort of back to normal but there's that feeling hanging over you, that this thing everyone makes such a big deal about just came and there's this other thing coming that's sort of part of it so it's not over.. but you go to work like normal and if it's a year when christmas, and therefore the new year as well fall exactly on the weekend it's more than ever a normal week, but it's strange just the same.

Not that I go to work, really. Not that I've done any work, really, this working week.. well someone who I'm supposed to be working with is what I like to refer to as AWOL, so it's been checking emails and seeing if that site has got over the glitch so I can post stuff and it hasn't so it's been a typical week for me, ie, not working all that much at all.

My point is, it's weird. You thought I didn't have one didn't you? You thought that when I said "my point is" it would peter off and I'd admit that there isn't one.. but I have one. I might be getting better at this.

Well anyway.. that whole "writing proper" thing I wrote about will have to wait. Until next year probably.

Happy halfway house limbo or whatever.

It might be a bit early for this..

but I'm making a half hearted resolution to start writing properly. Lately.. if you've noticed and you probably haven't seeing as you, the public are not reading, as this blog is crap, but if you have then you might have noticed that lately, and by lately I mean something like 2-3 years.. my writing has been little more than the jotting down of thoughts as they come to me...

I mean I used to write proper posts.. I mean, comparatively proper. I even used to have subjects, and write about "stuff" as opposed to what I've been doing, or that I've been doing nothing worth writing about but writing about it anyway, or writing about writing about doing nothing worth writing about.. I could go on.. and I used to write in a slightly more.. shall I say.. readable manner.

I would like to get into the habit of doing that again.. more, is all I'm sayin.

And the big one is here..

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have/are having/had a great one.. I've had a nice one.. a lovely stroll through the Old Town Square last night for xmas eve.. it's actually the first time ever I've been out in the city on Christmas Eve.. very strange to find out that the night trams start from so early..



well anyway, it actually snowed, but it was a light, rain like snow.. but we did wake up to a white-ish city today, which was nice.

Just having food and drinks and friends at home today..

The rest of us... just whine.

Happy Festivus all!

Today is the holiday for the "rest of us" those that don't follow any of those other more glamorous holidays.. you know, the ones with the presents and the big feasts and the tinsel and the candles and the fun..

well this one is for sitting around a pole.. wrestling one's relatives and grumbling about stuff with the people you're forced to spend the holidays with.. well in this case it's sanctioned, in fact encouraged, well it's part of the ceremony.

so yeah, that's today.

Welcome to the week o holidays..

This week has a lot of holidays in it. S'true.. I know, christmas kind of overpowers everything but there are others.. you know.. I'll get to them when I get to them, and I might even make up a few (I think there's a non-holiday day in there) and repeat some we didn't do properly earlier but.. yeah, holidays..

today is the solstice, winter or summer depending on which hemisphere you're in, so it's either the longest day (o joy) or it's the shortest day in which case the days will get longer from here on out.. so drinks all round!

o and... woooo



Happy Holidays all!

Oh.. humbug!

It really doesn't feel a lot like christmas right now... I mean.. it didn't earlier anyway. Let's just say it hasn't been the best Monday.. and you know Mondays.. well, this has been a particularly crappy one.

But I sorta lie.. it's evening.. we have a coat of fresh snow outside and Erik's on his way back so...

oh who cares..

Thought I'd post a picture..

Just so you can see how much it's been snowing here..



a fair bit I'd say..

It's weird being home alone..

Things change around here, my hours change, the place changes shape ok it gets really messy because I don't have to worry about cleaning stuff up right away so I don't... and the cat changes her habits.. seriously.

It's just weird, is what I'm saying.

So I'm done..

We just finished the shooting for this film we're doing. Well maybe, there's one little bit to do, and as I'm providing the cam I will have to be there for it and we might have to reshoot something or do another scene to replace it because.. well at first I thought I'd lost it, or rather hadn't shot it.. well I forgot about it actually and thought I had lost/hadn't shot some amusing outtakes of us dancing and being super dorks.. but there was also some footage that was supposed to go in the film, but it turned out I had it.. I just hadn't seen it at first.. it was inside this folder and there were 2 folders in the folder and there was 2 of them and it was different folders that I'm used to because I'm using a different camera you know what I mean?

Well anyway, we have it, but the footage is total crap. So we might have to replace it, or do without it, we'll see. I'm not editing.. so I don't have to be bothered with that.

So.. it went well. Much better than the first night we did it.. and I don't want to downplay the importance experience, even a little bit makes to this, but quite frankly a certain person that was part of the other shooting that wasn't at this one... who is just the slightest bit exasperating, may have more to do with it. I mean.. it's messy, the footage is bad quality and the movie idea is average at best.. but we're learning something.. I think.

I had fun. We laughed, we talked, we shot stuff. Now that's done, until we do another.

Well except for the editing which I'm not doing but there's still the final film to see, and the bits we may end up reshooting.

*stocks up on bottles*

Getting ready for another stint home alone.. yes Erik is going away again and yes, yet again I'm not going anywhere but staying here all alone that is if you don't count Cooley which to be fair does make quite a difference.

So.. I'll be here, with just Cooley, having in depth conversations with her again. It'll be a bit different. I do have work, that is someone who comes over every day he's not drunk to, to get stuff up online and whatever.. and I'm making a film.. and know people.

Won't be so bad really. Still.. any excuse to drown one's whatever one's feeling.

At long last, I get to tick off another item on the list.

Last night I had my, debut if you like, into the world of filmmaking. I mean.. I've acted in them before, and I've filmed stuff on my camera before, I've even filmed stuff that at a stretch could be something related to making a video that was worthy of calling something like filmmaking even though it's still on a tape that I can't access but that's not the point and I don't want to talk about it.. but I've never actually made a movie before.

Well.. now I, and others, have started. I didn't exactly have a huge part in the making of.. nor even much of a role in this bit.. but I did help come up with the original idea.. and was there when the general idea and plan was finally made, and then contributed some more as we met more times and changed it a bit.. and I provided pretty much all the equipment.. and filmed a little, and assisted the self appointed director somewhat with lights and ideas and stuff...

well I'm part of it. This is mine.. ours, not just someone else's I'm acting in.

It was kind of a mess, I mean, the idea was kind of a mess to begin with, and I had no idea how to do it.. but luckily one of our group.. the one who took upon directing duties right from the start seemed to have more specific ideas.. so we shot those. Then we shot more.. did it again, then again, did more.. some closeups. Not so bad for a first time job from pretty much everybody.. including people who've never even acted in films before.

Of course.. I have no idea what it's going to look like.. or indeed what it looks like as I haven't had the time.. or rather the nerve to look at the footage. It will be seen though.. I was clever enough to film it digitally this time.

I'm gonna do something.

Honestly. I am. You remember a couple of months ago I was talking about this idea I had, I was reporting it here so I would actually get around to doing it, and I didn't get around to doing it until ages after that, and after I'd done it I couldn't do anything with it, and I left it for a while, and tried again, and still couldn't do anything with it and I think I tried something again after that...

well anyway, nothing came of it. But this will happen. I'm doing it with other people this time, and luckily they, at least some of them are more, how should I put it, purposeful than me, so I think something might get done.

And soon! We have dates! For doing stuff! Of course there's editing.. and I'm planning to use the same camera which brought us the previous debacle and come to think of it I should be getting that out and preparing it now.. but.. well, at some point there will be something that someone can see. I promise it. Kind of.

I finally did it!

This year has been a bit of a wasteland for me, regarding my life's purpose, that for which I live, my passion that flows through my veins... sorta kinda, which is you know.. acting and stuff. I've done nothing, "literally" nothing.

Until yesterday, which was my annual debut at real life acting.. not some interview, not just hanging around doing some silly promo for something that I wasn't considered good enough to act for which didn't end up happening anyway.. not another of the meetings I had for other stuff that never happened.. not a reading, not "rehearsal", not an acting class, but really acting in a real life film. Well a student film ok, but it's something.

Yesterday, was also the coldest day ever recorded on earth, or at least the coldest day here so far this year, until today, and there was tons of snow, and my scene was set outside, in the wilderness. We went to the wilderness on the tram.. short trip across the river but with the 20+ minute wait, and lugging all the equipment, or in my case watching the others lug equipment it was a fitting start to the day. The wilderness was very beautifully played by a popular central Prague park, due to the difficulty of getting anywhere whenever it snows a bit in early December. Fortunately due to the cold and the heavy snowfall very few people were about so it being remote was convincing enough.. I think.

We set up camp.. I was hoping for somewhere near a cafe, or cabin or a structure of any sort, but we had no such thing... we had to brave the outdoors as best we could.
And it was cold, real fucking cold. Somehow during rehearsing our moves or filming it wasn't that bad.. partly because I was moving of course.. but I think because my mind was on something. The second we finished and the long session of standing around waiting commenced, I felt the cold very sharply. And there was a lot of that.

I did have fun, really did. It was quite an adventure, being out there, knee deep in snow, playing scenes, getting snow in your boots, and being on set is always fun, the acting bit, the joking around and being stupid bit, the seeing people I haven't seen for a while. Of course, looking back from the comfort of my room, with dry socks, it seems all the more nostalgic.. at the time I was more preoccupied with the cold, and the wet socks..

We had a short break in the only place with an indoors within a 10 minute walk, some fancy cafe/restaurant where nobody was, except for the manager who was outside shoveling snow most of the time, and bought overpriced hot chocolate for the privilege.. took off our shoes for a bit, let the feet thaw out and I mean thaw out.. they were literally frozen, or at least it felt like it. Broke a glass left on another table.. I mean I didn't but one of the party did and I watched on as they tried to clear it up before the manager came back inside. It's funny that, how often do you find yourself in that situation? You break something in an establishment and nobody but those of your party see it, no staff, no other customers. What is the correct protocol in such a situation? We found it a little awkward.

So.. the later part of filming was nicer.. it was shorter, and a bit of sun streamed through the trees making it seem really warm, and it looked lovely. All of it was just beautiful, and something I would never have dragged myself out to see if I didn't have to.

And that's it. I mean, going home was a pain, I had to get a tram, metro then a tram and I missed one just getting out of the metro and the next one after that decided to succumb to the chaos that's effecting our public transport because of the snow and didn't come for like 40 minutes.. so I waited there, freezing, not wanting to walk home and slip on my ass 6 times, socks wet, not knowing whether it's coming in a minute or in 30.. but that's not important.

And today is even colder, so I'm extra glad that filming was yesterday.

At least I'm sure it won't rain, and there won't be any ants.

I'm going to be acting in a film tomorrow. First one I've actually been in all year, pathetically enough, but at least there'll be one to show for dammit. It's set, at least this part of it, the only part I'm in, outside. Somewhere out of the city, on a hill. We're supposed to be having a picnic.

Now, when these filmmakers made plans to film their stuff in late November, early December, I'm sure they weren't expecting balmy sunny weather, and were probably making a choice to take a chance that it would rain on those dates, but I don't think anyone expected this.

It's been fucking snowing. It's been continuing fucking snowing, it's snowing now, it's snowing heavily, it will probably snow tomorrow. The script will probably need to be changed to say we're going on, say a hike, rather than a picnic, but goodness if it isn't going to be fun out there. I think it's supposed to be -5 or below, so I'm really going to like that bit.

And I'm still not completely well, but I could be by tomorrow.. that is, if I don't go gallivanting about tonight in this freezing slushy mess. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have class tonight, and if it wasn't the last class of the term, and I really really want to go to it, though to be honest I really don't feel like going. Have you seen how much snow is out there? And I don't have an activity :Z

Life is hard.

What was that I was whining about again?

Oh yeah, getting older, getting old, getting even further away from an age where I can pretend I'm young enough to be young and stupid, and carefree and all the things we like about being "young".

I was going to stop but... I haven't had a great time of it since this last milestone.. actually, ever since the Sunday before the milestone, aka the day after the night that I actually celebrated said milestone, it being a Saturday at all.. I mean, I have a couple of drinks which by now I've mentioned more than once was a quite respectable night of not total debauchery, was all fucked with a hangover all the next day, felt almost fine the next morning except for what seemed like a tickle in my throat which may or may not have been the start of a cold/flu.. go outside, which in all fairness was very cold and contained a lot of snow, for about 5 minutes.. and then later on come down with the very cold/flu I'd been dreading.

Today I woke up all stuffy and frogthroated, and on top of that I've been getting these sharp pains in my back. What the fuck is wrong with me? I get that it's normal to get colds when it's like, really cold but this is really fucking tedious.

Ideally, I wouldn't have any of this, but second ideally I'd have a bunch of drugs here with me to deal with it.. I'm talking aspirin and cold remedies people.. don't get carried away, and nowhere to go, I'd just laze around, watching movies and feeling high.. but no, not only do I not have anything, not even a single aspirin, but I've got like.. stuff to do.. tonight I have to meet with this director person, tomorrow night I have class, the last one of the term so I really should go even though I still need to think of a fucking activity to do.. and Thursday I'm filming, all day, outside, on some hill somewhere.

I might have mentioned all this already.

*sniffles*

I'm not feeling well. No, I didn't go all out on my actual birthday birthday drinks even though it's a Monday and I said I'd take it easy. I have come down with something. I felt this morning that I might have a tickle in my throat, but I've thought that many times over the last few months and I've fought it away with garlic and wishes. Today.. by some time in the afternoon, it began to seem almost certain to be a sore throat. I still went out in the snow, to play a bit and get some pics.. well I had to, it was my birthday and the first big snow of the year, when I got back I kept hoping it was just a scratch but before long all hopes were dashed. I had a sore throat. Then I started sniffling. Then I went out for a wine.. which was planned, but it was planned as being after class which I didn't go to. Yes yes I know you're well enough to go for a wine but not well enough for class whatever, but still, that's what I did. Now I have a sore throat, am sniffly, feel head coldy and occasionally sneezy.

On my birthday too. No fucking fair.

*pouts*

*sneezes*

I think another drink is in order.

That number just keeps getting bigger. *sighs* I now have an age that consists of the number 7 and the number 3, and though the numbers are arranged in the more favourable (for me) order, it still is a bigger number than it previously was, and this has a tendency to make me the slightest bit melancholy.

But whatever.. it's my birthday, birthdays are supposed to be fun, and though I partied for it already, and spent all yesterday being punished for a relatively modest celebration, I am positively forced to drink again today, it being my real birthday and all. Just a few quiet glasses of wine in a local bar this time. I shan't get carried away or anything. I swear I won't. Honestly, it's a Monday, and I have a class tonight, and.. those reasons are enough. Besides, not a good time for getting real drunk around here, it seems to think it's winter.. and late winter, like January or whenever, I mean, snow in November isn't unheard of, it usually does, a little bit. It snowed a bit on Saturday, very little, and there has been a thin cover of snow on the types of places snow hangs about, but this morning we woke up to a full cover of white, and it still snowing so.. happy winter.. wee hee.. happy birthday to me.

Now I have to go think of an activity for this class tonight... will the stress never end!

Time to make that resolution again...

Too much fucking fun eh? I may have had that, though I don't know if there is such a thing as too much fun, if there is, that's not what I had. Don't get me wrong, the night was great, people came, everyone seemed to enjoy, in fact it was just right. We chatted, we laughed, we drank. No dancing on tables or blackouts.. yes, I drank, and more than I usually do, but no where near as much as I used to, when I forgot large parts of what happened and kindly friends would offer me information about the night in bits here and there.. oh yeah those were the days.. *sighs*

No, nothing like that, quite a respectable party really. So why the fucking fuck have a been so fucked up all day? I'd say it's because I'm getting old, and considering the day and reason for the party.. it would be somewhat fitting, but I've always had problems like this.. it's true, and particularly stupid considering the persona I create for myself here on the internet, which is not entirely made up. Yes, I get real bad hangovers.. sometimes, it can be random, and yes, I still drink too fucking much. Is there any hope at this point that I will grow the fuck up already. It remains to be seen, for the moment I've given up drinking, forever, but we'll see how long that lasts... in fact I'm planning on having a few quiet, respectable drinks tomorrow night for the actual real day o commemorating the birth of me...

I am getting old.. in barely 5 hours the number of years I've been around will climb higher, yet again, and I know it's just a number, it's not even one of those significant ones that ends in a 0, but it still seems bigger somehow.. Oh well. Might as well just enjoy it. But not too much.

The stress and anguish of having all this fun..

It's that time of year, a time when people have fun, whether they like it or not, goddammit, where people get together, and drink, feast and be merry, listen to music, dance, and get up to shenanigans...

yes, it's my birthday soon.. and the actual birthday falling on a Monday I'm doing the traditional thing and having my "party" on the weekend.. that is on the Saturday, that is today.

So.. I have my usual getalong gang that I've been spending such occasions with for years and years.. these people are coming, or at least some of them, but I thought this year, I'd have a few more come along.. I'm doing this class.. and some other acting rel stuff, and I've made quite good friends with some of those people... so I went ahead and told a bunch of people last week that I'm having a birthday celebration on Saturday, venue as of yet unknown.

And I started stressing right away. Where? Why on earth did I bring it up even? Does anyone actually have the slightest intention of coming? Oh well.. picked a place sometime yesterday.. a place where I neither have to reserve a table and end up with just 3 measly people, or, have nowhere to place the extra people should extra people come.. at least I think it's ideal for that.. whatev.

So.. I send out an email, tell or call certain people, and create an event on Facebook, my first ever..

where exactly am I going with this.. well.. it stresses me out. I worry that the place will be too full, or no fun, that some people will come, well, me Erik and one other person and they'll be bored because no one else is there.. I worry about certain members of aforementioned gang, who have a tendency to drink too much and be kinda weird... I worry that people who I invited are wondering why the fuck I'm bothering them with a stupid invitation to something they have no interest in going to...

and other stuff.

But I am looking forward to it. I mean, even if it's just 2 or 3 of us, it's dragging us out to a place we hardly go to.. and.. well they have drinks.

I just hope I don't embarrass myself or anything...

There's something in the air...

I think it might be silliness.

Yes, that season is upon us, almost upon us, or well on it's way to getting closer to upon us. For me, it's here. My birthday is soon, which for me is always a chance to commiserate, celebrate, go nuts, get mopey, and drink.. and then after that, well it's practically December. From here to Jan it's.. well.. any excuse to be as silly as possible to disguise the fact that it's horribly awful and depressing this time of year, and this particular year is a particularly awful and depressing one, if one cares at all about things like one's livelihood, which it must be confessed one does.. which mostly consists of drinking a whole lot.

I'm not sure if that sentence works or not, but quite frankly, I don't care. I'm being silly.

Well anyway, for the moment I'm not melancholy at all.. I'm rather joyful, and even hopeful, strangely enough. Can't for the life of me figure out why. I've only had a little wine tonight.

Something a bit lighter..

I spose.. well, it's a photo post. Caption this if you feel like it at all.

The post which doesn't including any self indulgent, vague mutterings of despair... and in fact has other stuff..

So today..

um...

o what's the use...

If there actually is a difference between "now" and "whenever"..

You might have noticed I've been feeling down lately. Or at least expressing myself on the blog in way which would lead one to believe that if in fact, the me that I present here, is based at least somewhat on the real me, that I am, in fact, feeling a bit down.

Then again, I believe I present myself somewhat as a negative person, in general. Whether it's more pronounced at the proverbial moment, I know not.. really.

There are reasons as I've mentioned though not explained, and yes, those reasons are valid. Then again, there are always reasons, usually some variations of the same ones... and really, right now, the real life concrete stuff that worries me.. the same old shit, not worse than usual.. so why am I so bloody mopey all the time?

yes yes yes, I'm so bloody mopey all the time all the time, but if we just go with the theme that I'm more mopey all the time than usual at the mo then well.. why?

I blame darkness, and rain. These are things I kinda like really. Well not really rain, I'm sorta neutral to negative on it in the way that most people who don't have crops are, but darkness, night, sundown all that, they're kinda cool. The thing is they're cool in their place, at actual night, when you come out of the pub or are strolling the streets being cool. In the afternoon, it's a different matter, when you're setting out to go somewhere, and it also happens to be raining. It kinda sucks, and to be honest, it kinda gets me down.

That's what I think anyway.

I can't be dealing with this..

Seriously that's the best catchphrase ever. It's such a versatile line.. can be used in "literally" a million instances.. especially if you're me.

Yes.. I can't, seriously, majorly, humungously can't be dealing with it. It being.. almost everything. Boring mundane money stuff, work stuff that isn't about the money part of it. Personal stuff as in dealings with people in my life, one of which is related to the non money related work stuff but I'll count it twice just the same. Personal stuff dealing with my inner self and the anguish of my being and all self indulgent crap. Stuff to do with.. I suppose, ambition, the acting stuff, my class, the stuff I do there, money...

and just life in general. I don't know if it's a Monday thing, this day of the week does tend to affect people in a negative manner, but I remember feeling this particularly strongly a week ago as well, not that it's never completely not there, or is that never not completely not there.. I dunno, too many negatives to plough through, but I reckon you get what I mean, as much as anyone can get what I mean who isn't me and even me sometimes.

*sighs*

I just.. can't.. be..

Frost in the mist.

I dreamt of walking through frosty grass this morning. I was by a field, and it was late late night therefore early morning, it was misty, and there'd been something happening there, I don't know if I was waiting for someone or if I just happened to be about and was thinking "oh yeah that's where that thing was, whoever should be coming out soon"..

anyway I saw people walking through the field and saw the frost and felt the urge to walk in it... so I got on the grass and wiped away frost with my feet leaving bright green foot marks. That part of the dream was really vivid. Now that I think about it, it shouldn't have been light already at the time that would have happened, not in winter. I dream inaccuracies.

That part of the dream was pretty vivid, as you may guess. In fact, a lot of what I dreamt last night/this morning was, but the other parts, some interesting and really strange stuff.. I can remember it was that, is all gone. I remember thinking when I just woke up that it was a particularly good night for dreams, and I had to make a note of them, particularly the bit where.... now I've completely forgotten. I just remember there was some strange goings on, different stuff, stuff that didn't relate to the other stuff as dreams tend to go. Funny how you can lose it so quickly after being in the real world for a few minutes. I do remember the frost really well though.

And apparently blogger doesn't agree that "dreamt" is a word, I suppose I should spell it "dreamed" but fuck it. I shan't.

Just what did I do?

I felt really crummy all yesterday, extremely crummy, monstrously crummy. The sort of crummy where you wish you would throw up, properly, instead of feeling nauseous and like you're gonna puke but not able to because there's nothing in your stomach to come out.

I may have told this story without including that information. Sorry.

Anyway, yesterday I had this awful throbbing headache that just would not go away, and would not subside.. no handy painkillers about and it was a holiday so most shops are closed and through Erik intended on going up the hill and getting some, due to some feelings of crumminess on his part, significantly less than mine, but nevertheless crumminess, we continued to have none. And I felt wobbly and nauseous and all that, but the headache would have been enough.

I did go out the other night.. that is I went to a "rehearsal" like a good Meisner student.. and then we went for drinks. It wasn't even that many drinks. Went to one pub and had some beer and consumed huge quantities of meat, then to another which I had to go to because I hadn't had any money on me so they had to pay for me so I sorta had to suggest we go to another place and I get get out money on the way.. you see how it is, I was positively forced to continue.

Well anyway, ok night, we came up with some really cool ideas for movies, or at least they seemed so at the time, and there was something funny about ducks, and we saw Erik briefly during the time and he was way more fucked up than me.. and I had like, 3 drinks total. That's it! Ok maybe 4.. maybe even 5 but that's it! For fucks sake even if it was 6, and that is truly the maximum number of drinks I could have had and that's being ambitious, I shouldn't have been so fucked up. I blame Staropramen, it's shitty beer anyway and I never get headaches that bad..

oh well. So it's about 2 days of never drinking again for me I guess. I'm alright now, thank goodness.

I was just wondering..

Is there some kind of web wide rss glitch thingy or a certain areas or platforms or whatever you call them glitch? A lot of my rss feeds aren't updating. I mean there were always sites where it was always fucked up but now all of a sudden a bunch that were working flawlessly all this time are jammed or whatever happens to them. I find it quite vexing and wondered if there's a reason for it or if it just happens to be a coincidence. Well?

It all escapes me now.

There are so many things, were so many things that I wanted to say. These things, some of them anyway were even kind of.. interesting, and not purely all about the minutia of my boring day. Some of it wasn't even about me, really.

But it's all gone now, either that or it's somewhere I would have to make an effort to access it, and then more effort to write it down in a way that's.. well, write it down, it seems I've never really bothered with making this stuff coherent so why would I do it in this case..

Anyway I wanted to update, and that's what I'm doing. Hope you're having a nice weekend.

*sighs, laughs, weeps, gets a bit giddy*

I wonder how tonight was, seriously I do. I went to my class again, after another day of boredom, waiting, and getting a whopping big bag full of new worries to add to the already present worries which is in a way all the same worry but it's getting bigger and quite frankly, it's boring me and I'd prefer to keep it all at a distance and not deal with it but that's not really working for me anymore...

*breathes*

so I had this ordinary day. And I was tired, being unable to sleep due in part to the aforementioned worries and some other stuff which is partly worrying and partly exasperating which is quite frankly embarrassing and I'm not going to go into detail about it, and it gets dark at like 4 so you know I was preparing to have a crappy evening.

I was determined to have a crappy evening! Sort of. It turned out ok though, I mean, I wasn't completely disconnected, had a few actual emotions here and there and may have once or twice shown one, and I got decent feedback. So it was alright.

So currently I'm feeling ok about that, for the moment, until next time I do it and feel all shitty again, but the other stuff, the stuff I talked about first and then the stuff after that. Well it's fucked.

*takes demure sip*

I had a charming evening last night, sitting at the bar of the theatre after a show, having a (quite overpriced but under the circumstances I'll tolerate it) beer, talking to many of my actor acquaintances of years past.. and they actually spoke like they actually wanted to speak to me, like I was a worthy fellow actor type or something.. which was quite nice. There was an impromptu jam on the piano and a couple of guys on guitars playing some jazzy stuff, some arty and cool American dude which thick rimmed glasses talking incessantly to his friend about all that he is knowledgable of which was slightly vexing, in an amusing way, at the time, and more humour than vex afterwards and we had beer which I may have already mentioned.

Oh and I saw a play before that. It was alright.

Lucky I got that extra hour..

Boo.

Yeah it's halloween, whatever. It's also the day we (at least we here where I am) change back to regular time as opposed to daylight savings time, and therefore get an extra hour in the day, which I probably would have done fine without today but it was good I had it, I think. I did go out last night, nothing too Halloweeny but pretty drinky which is nothing to write home about so I shall neither write home, nor to my blog about it, except to relay the facts I have already related.

Finally got around to filming a bit for this film thing I'm doing. We didn't actually film for the film but for a short trailer for the website. It consisted of me, and one other person acting all scared and stuff, like we were tied up. I think we did ok. To simulate the being tied up bit, which didn't have to be shown because the shots are all closeups of our faces, we had to.. well I had to sit on the floor in front of her and put my hand around her neck, or at least half her neck, not too tightly of course, keeping out of the frame, then we got a cord which was wrapped around her and I had to pull it back, but with holding my hand above her head so it wouldn't get in the shot. It was a very uncomfortable position, but had to be done, that's life on no budget sets. So, after that she did that to me and I sat in the chair and hyperventilated and pretended to be scared in a over the top hammy manner, but the director took over from her after about 20 seconds because her hand hurt.. aww.

Anyway.. I don't know what it looked like, they said it looked ok so I guess I'll believe them. I gave myself a head rush from all that fake scarediness so maybe I did something that looked vaguely convincing. I'm sure with all the effects the scenes will look kinda cool, you wouldn't tell from the set, a room with a blue curtain on the wall, and a chair. Like I said, no budget.

We'll be filming the actual film.. I don't know when, still very up in the air but we seem to be doing stuff now, which I quite like.

And I wait another day...

Ok so it's that time o the week... classes are done, I did it again yesterday and I thought it went pretty well and then I go the usual instructions.. stop being so repressed, uptight, dull and.. you know..

oh I went to class last night by the way.. that other thing, you know the one I mentioned.. did I mention it? Well there was this other thing that I was going to mention if I didn't mention and that is that we're finally up to filming a bit of this film I'm part of. We're shooting the first scene, were shooting the first scene on Wednesday night. Well.. we didn't, it was postponed due to whatever, to Thursday night, which is now. Of course I'm not there now.. I was on my way there, sorta, ready to meet some cats from the class for "rehearsal" with all my stuff ready to take there afterwards, and I get an sms saying can't do it tonight how about Sunday? So supposedly Sunday is the next try for.

I mean whatever.. I ended up walking around the city with the one person who showed up for "rehearsal" and taking some quite nice pics if I may say so, so it's not the hugest problem but it is vexing. I'm all revved up to do some proper acting stuff like you know.. or at least be on something filmed, rather than just talking nonsense at people, meeting with people intending on kinda filming something, going to doomed castings and doing interviews that are never seen for people who don't think I'm a good enough actor to be in their show thingy which never ends up happening anyway.

*breathes*

Looking forward to the weekend now.

It just goes to show..

What I was feeling yesterday, was nothing less than the truth. The me of Meisner in my class was exactly the me that I thought long and hard about yesterday. I did it, I was affected by my mood which needless to say was bad, and I was feeling slightly ill as well.. that came out, but mostly I was just repressed, buttoned up, tightly wound, holding back, uptight and all manner of other uncomplimentary things which fit me perfectly.

It's just so hard! And by it I mean everything.. the meisner stuff, work stuff, life!

*pouts and stuff*

The bla bla blahs...

I'm feeling a bit mopey at the moment. I have a case of those things the blahs.. you know when you're feeling down for no particular reason, and when you stop to think about it you wonder why you're feeling like that you can't figure out why but you nevertheless continue to feel that way. I mean, feeling physically not great can contribute.. and I've been feeling.. not sick exactly, but not well, and as if I'm about to get sick, this does not please me.

And well.. there is stuff, practical stuff, personal stuff, crappy stuff that's always there that I try to avoid thinking of which lingers around in the background some of the time and is thrust to the forefront without my consent at times which explain this feeling in themselves but I feel there's something outside of it.. something that's.. blah.

This stuff going on can certainly contribute, and one thing at the moment bothering me, which was triggered by one of the aforementioined crummy things is the realization that I'm me, and I always will be and sometimes, I just can't escape thinking about it.. that certain things about me which I kinda know but haven't focused on so much are so true and so real, and these are things that get in the way of me moving forward, with life, with all this acting stuff.. and although I hate that about myself I don't want to change it, I just don't want to and won't do it, because changing it would involve doing stuff that I really don't want to do... and I really don't want to do it.

And being half an hour in a crowded post office waiting for what I hoped was a long lost package, and instead picking up something huge and bulky that was a return.. doesn't help at all. And now I have to go to class. Why do I never seem to be in the mood for it?

Well that was silly.

I totally..totally expected, well intended to go somewhere this weekend. Out of the city, overnight or if that didn't work out at least for the day, from real early.. to late.

Well.. ok I'm up, which is kind of early for me on a weekend, but that's mostly because I had a headache and I was all sneezy, for some reason. I'm still sitting here in my skuzzy loungabout home clothes which also serve as pajamas, and I kind of have not much intention of moving much very soon, if at all.

It's all my fault. I suggested we "go for a beer at the rustic place" last night about 6 or 7 in the eve and we went for a beer. If we'd stuck to "a beer" things would have been fine but there was this waiter right, and well, there's sort of a tradition here in your common man's pub where the waiter brings you a beer when your other beer is getting low without you even asking for one, which isn't done so much nowadays, at least not in Prague, at least not in most pubs we go to, and usually not in this one, but this guy does that, so we had to have another beer, and then he brought one again, and when that went low he brought another one.

You can see where this is going.

Of course, after leaving there we had another beer (and some of us a shot, not me though) at another place. That was unecessary but once you've had that many drinks you're often in the mood for another, I've found.

So this morning me and my partner in crime, if you like, who were intending on going out somewhere with hills and trees and fresh air for some hiking and sightseeing, are both feeling not exactly up to it, and who knows what if anything we'll end up achieving today.

I feel productive.. somewhat..

I decided to go early, to the casting, the proper professional one, that an actual agency I signed up with (finally) sent me on. To reward me for my earliness I didn't have to wait very long, not at all... after about 10-15 minutes, with a filling in o paper, a bunch of us were let into the room, our pictures taken and... that's it. For some of us anyway, not sure what that means, and I can't help thinking that they could have gotten our photos from the agency.. oh well.

Later on at the film school I actually read a few lines, I think I did ok, not brilliant, and once again have no idea how it contributes to the likelihood of me doing some acting sorta stuff next week. Once again.. I'll see.

And.. that's it. I seemed so much more interesting at the time. Or maybe not.

I am intending on going away this weekend, somewhere out of the city for once. I'm quite hoping it happens.

I got one, I finally got one!

I've been invited to a real actual casting by an actual agency professional type thingy. It's not like this has never happened before, but it was once.. maybe twice, and ages ago, and not this time round.

So it's tomorrow.. and I actually have another thing for the film school tomorrow.. and I still have to find a mu.. um, nevermind that. I might be going away for the weekend so I need to organize that still.. sorta. Oh and I have work.

It's strange being about a third as busy as normal people are on any random given day. It's almost like being a real person.

For a second there.. I felt sort of real.. and stuff.

I had a casting yesterday, for a real professional type ad thingy. Oh I wasn't called in from the agency or anything.. oh no, that doesn't appear to be for the likes of me.. this was an open casting...

On the way there, while talking to myself in an American accent I bumped into a dude who was in my old class, when I did it a few years ago.. then I walked in, saw the dude I see every time I go for anything, then turned and there was the dude from class that does everything, goes everywhere and "rehearses" withe everyone... all the time. The typical stuff.

The casting itself.. interesting. I had to be an American, which turned out to be the easiest bit, it was an improv and I was supposed to be the "boss" of a corporate type thingy and I know very little about corporate type stuff so I fumbled the improv a bit.. but I can live with it. I can handle not having got a callback and therefore obvs not getting it as long as I didn't make an utter cringeworthy fool of myself.. I mean I did make a fool of myself, but not cos I'm a crap actor (not necessarily not one either, but in this case it's moot) but because I don't really understand corporate stuff thingies and therefore am not very good at improvising that stuff. It was actually quite fun.

I also had class last night, and as I missed a class last week and didn't "rehearse" at all due to being *cough* poorly... I felt I might be sorta rusty... I mean you gotta be really limber with this stuff, but it turned out ok. I kinda sorta felt it some of the time, and it was quite fun too, for once.

Oh and afterwards I got kidnapped by my classmates and was forced to drink. They're such a bad influence those people, I should have a word with them.

You know.

I like autumn, it's just so pretty. And walking through piles and piles of leaves that you can scatter by kicking is so much fun. It's almost enough to get someone like me outside when it's a little bit cold.. and believe me it's a little bit cold.

Actually I did go outside.. and it's a big bit cold. It's just that pretty.

*raises glass*

I'm having a real life anniversary today. That is, a celebration of some number of whole years since a particular important incident occurred, as opposed to say.. a 2 week anniversary which is a logical impossibility and does not exist!

Just under 3 years ago exactly was the first time I met with my gentleman friend Erik, for the first time in real life, after knowing each other exclusively online for a while, at the horse statue.

We then wandered on to the inaugural dinner, at U Medvidku, a charming spot which I've been to many a time over the years, but which has since been given a special place in my heart since this aforementioned event.. and subsequently one which we are revisiting this evening. And revisited a year ago.. and the year before that...

and we'll have beer, perhaps some cheese though perhaps not this evening as one half of the partnership has recently become sorta vegan, but that's ok, we'll have beer, and we'll be dorks.. and then we'll have some dinner somewhere else...

I'm not expecting to go on a wild goose chase afterwards.. like the original meeting.. we didn't catch any geese that night, probably because they're don't seem to be too many in Žižkov, where we were, but we didn't find that bar either.. we did find another one though.. I mean, there's always some bar.. who knows. Maybe we'll chase some nonexistent geese, or maybe not, but I wouldn't be adverse to some kind of shenanigans occuring, it seems like the night for it.

Except for the fact that the water heater dude is coming early tomorrow to finally replace our old and barely functioning one after a few aborted attempts.. but that's relatively unimportant.

tenth o' the tenth o' the tenth..

It's a very exciting day for those of us who make a big deal about arbitrary dates where the numbers line up in a seemingly meaningful manner, ie nerds who make a big deal about.. etc etc etc. Ie, people that are not limited to, but include people like me.

I began this historic day by looking at my phone about 8:46, hoping I wouldn't miss 10 minutes past 10.. and luckily I was awake when the 10:10 10-10-10 appeared at the bottom of the phone. It was an exciting moment.

But it wasn't a lazy Sunday for me, no, not for us hard working thespian types... I had a reading in the morning, well at 2pm which is close enough to morning as far as I'm concerned, for the film I'm in. Still at the "reading" stage, and the might need new people stage, but we'll see. I walked up the hill to meet people just to wait for them, so we can wait for more people to show up who didn't come, and then go down the hill to the place we were doing the reading. Luckily I live around this area because we needed to go to #64 of the street the meeting spot was on, and you kind of have to be familiar with the area to know that when you get to the fork in the road, the bit that looks like it turns off is the same street, and the bit that keeps going straight is another street, or they'd have been real confused, as that other street doesn't have a #64.

We did the reading. Had to read multiple part due to the non presence of 2 actors, but what can you do. After that I came home, and after a short reprieve went back out to do my 10/10/10, 17:30 steps project sp. It's something I do.

Then I needed to meet someone at the top of the steps, who was late, and kept me a while by telling me stuff he's going to repeat at least 4 times when he comes here tomorrow morning. Went back down the steps, met one of the tea house cats who kept me still longer by moving about too much and not posing for a photo properly. The nerve!

Then I went to "rehearsal" which is, meeting someone from class in a nearby park and talking at each other in the Meisner fashion. It was ok, I was distracted but it's practice and I need practice. We did behave like 3 year olds for a portion of it, which is a way of doing it right, so I think we get some points for that.

And now I'm home. It's quite cold outside, despite the sunniness of earlier on, it's autumn proper and the trees are giving us a golden performance of.. ok I'll shut up now.

Should I, should I or should I?

I never know whether I should do these things. I mean.. I know I should, but then again, is there a point, should I bother, will it more hinder than help me? I go over and over and debate it in my mind, and the temptation to go the lazy route is extremely strong with me, so any push in the "don't do anything" direction usually spells an end to any chance the thing had.

I really really don't want to end up not doing for a measly reason like the printer wouldn't work because I can't install the driver because this comp doesn't have a cd drive and getting it online is impossible well not impossible but making it work seems well nigh impossible and can't get it sorted out because I'm out so much going to class and "rehearsing" during the times I could use the other comp to get the cd stuff onto a usb thingy... and therefore can't print out the monologue I need to learn which makes it difficult although not impossible and to be honest not all that difficult to do it..

I mean that would be a really poor excuse wouldn't it? And I'd quite like the printer to work in general, really. I also need to print out a resume for this thing, and ideally should have a head shot which I don't have but it probably wouldn't matter all that much.

I'll see.

More and more things..

I'm being overwhelmed by things. These things are things I should do.. well, it would behoove me to do them, whatever that means. One of the things I should do just for practice because I haven't a chance in hell of getting the job for it, but I really should do it. Or maybe I shouldn't.

The other I should do, and it doesn't cost all that much, for once, but I don't know. It will get in the way of other things I'm doing and as the following weekend I'm planning a trip away, and that will be the time it starts getting more involved and then there's the Meisner stuff which I'm so not getting still and needs tons and tons of rehearsals!

I might do some of them. Or one of them. I'll see.

Rehearsing, reading, repeating.

I was a bit naughty last night and got a wee bit drunk before my "rehearsal" last night, and continued to get more so during. We call it rehearsal but it might more accurately be called practice, because, well it's practice of the stuff we do, which is talk at each other and repeat. I could explain it more but I won't. Anyway this guy wanted to rehearse in the evening, so invited us over and I thought it would be 7 or 8.. a good time to get work done, and then afterwards you go for a drink etc etc.

Well.. after trying to pin down the right time and get his address all day I found out it's at 9:00 and arranged to meet some class members on a corner somewhere because people are allergic to giving out addresses to places you want them to go, it seems.

So Erik had this thing on, which involved drinking in a pub, and as it worked out for me to go along for a bit I went along for a bit, and downed 2 and a half beers in an hour and a half, or something.

I went to the corner, of course no one's there, and it's one of those corners where you're not sure you're on the right corner or not, but after a while one of them showed up,, saying the other one was late, and he's the one who knows where to go, but she had a map thingy so we found it, right on that street and then we had to figure out how to get in, so she had to call the other guy to get this guy's number

Well anyway after a bit of time all four, the total who bothered showing up were there and in between a lot of talking and drinking beers we did a bit of rehearsal. I don't know if it helped or hindered or made no difference to do it drunk. I think I had even more trouble focusing, but hey, like I said, he wanted to do it at 9pm so...

Thankfully today I woke up with a headache and no more because I had a reading for the other thing I'm doing, the film. Still no final script but we're getting there, hopefully by next time we'll be reading the actual script so it'll be rehearsing, which will make all this confusing. I can't wait to get to the actual filming bit of things..

Tomorrow there's another rehearsal, ie practice for the Meisner thing, and it's the afternoon so I might be able to show up non blotto... although they keep changing the time and making it earlier which makes it less likely that I'll bother to get my lazy ass out of bed for it. And that's it.

Looks like I'm all alone again.

Just as we move into the particularly dark gloomy days when we all need at least the merest hint that someone, somewhere out there is listening, and cares.

Oh well whatever.. we're all alone in the end, they say. Some of them anyway, or at least one of them. It might be bullshit because they (and quite possibly that particular one) talk a lot of bullshit, but then again.

I'll keep writing and posting dorky photos away though, at least for a while. If for no one but myself.

*slides back into shell*

*sighs* might as well give it a try..

Caption this, if you'd like, and if you're in fact even there.

*crosses off item on list*

I made someone cry yesterday, and I didn't even care.

Really I didn't, not very much, not as much as I have. I was affected somewhat by being called a monster, and having someone who appears to be a sweet person afraid of me.. but mostly confusion on how I could have that affect, perhaps a little upset about it but..

Ok so it wasn't a real life situation, not really, it was class, the Meisner thing, the thing I do that I'm having so much trouble with. Last night's class was going well, for a bit.. I thought I was getting into it more than I have so far this time round.. and despite the negative mood during the exercise, which did affect me, a little bit, I was also kind of pleased that I was generating this kind of response, and responding.. which means I was thinking, and focusing on myself which you're not supposed to do but we're talking about me here.. and what happened was progress, I think.. I thought, at least a tiny little bit.

After the monster thing.. which came before the crying thing (slightly in my defense) I was thinking (there I go again) that I should be really upset about this.. and feel more caring towards this innocent young girl who really was upset at me just saying this shit.. but I didn't, I was just in the exercise and I just didn't care.. that much. I felt I should care more, but I wasn't going to fake it, there would be no point. I thought if I at least honestly portrayed how I felt. ie er sorry but I seriously truly am not really affected by this.. it would be at least something..

Like I said.. tiny tiny progress for someone who really doesn't get this shit.. not a huge thing, but I felt slightly good about it due to that. Then I got the talk.. and it was the same old thing.. I'm holding back, and apparently during the few parts I genuinely felt something and expressed it I was pushing it. Something like that. Meanwhile I made her cry.. she cared enough, in the middle of standing in class looking at someone and saying stuff to do that, for real. And other people have had similarly genuine experiences too.. of course it's hard for everyone, but being able to really care in the middle of it.. is well.. it's the whole point, you can't do that, you're fucked. Pretty much.

And yeah.. I know, not everyone gets it the same way, not everyone progresses at the same level, and has different obstacles to overcome but.. I DID THIS SHIT FOR A YEAR ALREADY! For a fucking year. And I've been going to classes for 2 weeks now.. you think it would have awoken something that was already there amongst everything I did but no, nothing, people who've done this like 5 times are already well ahead of me.

I think I mentioned all this before.. oh well.

Doom and gloom.. go together like..

something not at all pleasant, and something else, that isn't pleasant at all.

It's just raining and raining.. and raining and raining and raining. Well it stopped a while ago but it was raining a real lot... perhaps it's started again.

I have class tonight.. I'm already kind of over it, even though it's only the 3rd one.. I mean my 3rd.. it's already like the 5th one but that's kind of neither here nor there.. but it's just so.. hard.. well for me.. I mean I think it's hard but this shit.. this shit, and I may have mentioned this before, just isn't me. I dunno.. I always have this feeling of dread before the day comes the class is on, and as it approaches evening, and as I'm ready to go out, and as I'm sitting in class waiting my turn.. it's just.. grrr..

So I already feel enough like not budging.. and well.. the rain.. you know.

*sighs*

Strange things happen on a rainy night..

It's a strange old night. It was an interesting day. Went to a barbecue in the countryside. Well.. you can probably guess that due to it's being a rainy night, and therefore a high probability of it having been a rainy day, it probably wasn't the most ideal day for one.. but we had an enjoyable time in an old run down house that's being renovated in the hope it will be open for business as a hotel/restaurant type deal sometime in the future, talking to some people who were strange enough to be interesting.

It was a weirdly enjoyable drive home in the rain... I dunno, there's something surreal about driving at night in the countryside and even more when it rains.. and of course our city dwelling driver took a bit of time to get on the right track so there was the usual hilarity that ensues on such occasion.. you know what I mean.

So.. she drops us off at a tram stop.. we come home to the not nearest stop but the one where we have to walk a bit.. and it's raining, and we get off the train and almost walk into some guy with a ladder. As we get on our way he puts the ladder in front of some flat, like he's trying to fit it in the window.. no idea what that was about. Then we walk by some people outside of some restaurant washing some sink or something.. or painting it.. I dunno. Wouldn't think that's the ideal time to do such a thing...

as we're approaching our street we hear some sirens.. or alarms.. not sure what, but knowing the place we live, and certain people who lived here, we hoped to whoever is up there or where it is whoever they are is, that it didn't originate from our building.. with cops refusing our entry, leaving us soaking on the street while our cat is stranded up there..

Fortunately it turned out to be some dickhead playing with the alarm on his car or something... nothing to do with us. We were safe, all we had to do, was get in out of the rain and everything's cool. So we get to our door, we get in out of the rain and what do we see.. well, certain people was lying on the stairs.. still. Now, we've seen this element passed out in the hall more than once before.. so it wasn't the hugest shock, but the guy is like 70 something.. so you have to wonder, a bit.

Turned out he was alive.. thank goodness, really didn't want to have to deal with reporting it to the authorities at this point :) and we walked past him.. said good evening to each other, and safely into our flat. The end.

I appear to be.. busy..

There are a few things going on in my life at the moment, something I haven't experienced for... well, since last time. It seems like there's so much going on at once at times.. though those times aren't very often. It's like.. I have absolutely nothing going on most of the time, a few breaks in that when one thing happens.. and out of the 4 things I do over the year, 3 of them happen at the same time, so I'm either rushed or have to choose between things, or both.

Well anyway, as I always say, for a normal person the stuff going on right now isn't all that much but for me it's.. not exactly overwhelming.. just different to what I'm used to.

The problem with this right now is that these people seem to be coy about letting me know exactly when shit is going to happen, or ask me when a good time is but I don't know as of yet because someone else hasn't gotten back to me about their stuff.. and when you have like 3 WHOLE THINGS going on at once, it can be a bit dicey.

Of course, one of those things is class, one of which I've already missed for less than compelling reasons, one is something that I haven't met the person yet with and in fact I delayed the meeting because of another thing happening today.. and they haven't gotten back to me so that probably will turn into nothing, and the other is a casting which will just be that, a casting.. and I'm not just being negative here, it's more for a "get to know the group" thing, than for specific films thing.

And the other thing.. well that seems to be going ok, but a bit slow at the moment.

Seriously there isn't that much going on. I just like to make myself feel as though there is.

The interactive type one..

Well it seems that you (you know who I'm talking about and yes, it is singular) seem to be about again.. at least for a while.. so if I post this, with the hope there will be a reaction.. am I being entirely foolish?



Caption this.

Not sure about it all..

So, I've now been to 2 classes of Meisner 2.0, for me anyway.. and I've decided it's, well.. I don't know. I'm seriously wondering if it's for me at all, but I've committed, with money and everything, to do it for at least "a bit", so I'll continue to do it. At least for a bit.

I mean, I like the idea of doing it, and getting better, and doing something serious re acting, and I know I'm just starting, in a way, and this shit is hard.. but..

So I've done 2 classes. The first one I did I felt a bit heavy after.. I don't know if that's the right word, I mean I know it's not the right word, but one thing about doing this stuff is that I can never think of the right word for anything, so that's me all over.. anyway, I felt.. not great, though I didn't let it bother me that much. Well I did but I figured.. I've only just started.

Last night I did another class, and it went better, at least I felt better. My exercise didn't go great, not terrible but dull at first, and then I got all flustered and couldn't think of what I was supposed to be doing.. not that this explains it but I can't really explain it unless I explain the entire process to you so you're going to just have to believe me. I didn't feel so bad about it because I felt I was doing something right.. a tiny little bit of something, although there were still huge obstacles there.. and it was a slight improvement.

I did it early, and watched the rest of the class afterwards and during that, I began to wonder what the fuck I was doing there. I mean, yes it's early, and pretty much everyone had huge amounts of trouble with what they were doing, understandably, it's hard.. really hard for something so stupidly simple.. but.. people were getting it. They were really connecting, really reading the other person.. well maybe not everyone, and probably not very much, and maybe not at all in the way I understood it but, it was there, a little bit. And I just never get that. I can not do it. I can't turn my brain off, I can't concentrate fully on another person who's standing there. I can't really let out my feelings, whatever they are.. or rather, really feel something that strong when I'm in the middle of this exercise which I can never feel as if it's anything but an exercise..

but here are people.. people completely new to this, feeling it. A tiny bit maybe, and clumsily, but it's their 2nd fucking day! And yes, I'm really rusty on this but.. I did this for a fucking year! A whole fucking year of this stuff! A year of this stuff, some more advanced stuff, reading a lot about it and going to class, week after week and here I am at square one, with people who didn't do that fucking year already advancing past me.

What in the fucking fuck was that year for? I got nothing out of it. And here I am, again, starting in the kiddie beginner class and I'm supposed to what? Learn something? Get better at this? After a year that I have nothing to show for? I mean... fuck. Maybe it's just not for me.

Drowning em in a vat...

I went to the all new Meisner Technique classes the other night.. similar-ish to those I did a few years ago, but not the same. Well.. it's a little bit hard to tell at this point.. I'm way back at the beginning in baby step phase.. although this class skips over some of the very first steps.. of which there are many.

Anyway.. all I did was some of the simplest stuff, the stuff I don't remember being all that hard.. I mean it was, yeah, but the stuff that came after is what I think of when I remember the anguish I used to go through in relation to the class... so I thought it would be relatively easy.

Well.. not really. Although I've done this before.. and this particular bit, simple repetition.. quite a lot.. I haven't done it for some time.. and really, was never any good at all at any of the very kernel of Meisner Technique stuff which is.. you know what I don't fucking know. Generally being honest, being open, being vibrant, alive, letting your emotions out. Stuff that I'm not, not in this context anyway.

I mean it's hard, it's really really hard. It's stuff that's totally unnatural for the average person to do without a lot of practice though it seem simple to the point of child stuff... and the new people in the class were struggling quite a lot too.. but, I thought I'd maybe get just a tiny bit more.. not a lot, but a bit more seeing as I studied this thing for a fucking year already.. but no. No more than the average total beginner.. and really.. less than most it seems.

Not less than all.. some of the people have a problem of overthinking this "let it all go and show your true emotions" technique... everyone does but some more than others.. I do more than others I think, and the teacher always makes a point of telling some of the guys (always guys) that some people are just really intelligent people.. thinkers.. and that's why they have so much trouble with it. Not the worst thing in the world someone can accuse you of.. if you have to be criticized for not doing something properly.

That's not what he said to me.. na.. I'm just repressed.. boring.. afraid.. stuff like that. Not necessarily in so many words, but the overall gist is that I'm pretty limited in my natural ability to do this stuff and by extension acting in general and have nice long list of negative but not at all interesting personality flaws to think about.

Other than that it went great. A lot of interesting people who I've never met before are in the class and at least half of them will stick with it for the next couple of weeks, it puts me back in the scene.. sorta, and I might actually get better doing this.. ya know.. learn something.

Well anyway it's harvest time. Vinobrani this weekend... which to be honest, interests me ore than anything else at the moment. *burps*

Off in a min..

I'm doing stuff. Not the stuff I was talking about before.. but new stuff. Well kind of old stuff I'm doing again. I'm starting up classes in Meisner again, which I was doing a few years ago. Took me a bit of time to get back to it, but now I am.

We'll see how it goes. And that's all.. really.

A brief update..

Well.. I'm kind of doing stuff. Finally. I mean real stuff not just my own crap that I can't even get onot the damn computer.. proper stuff that some other clever person thought up and has graciously allowed me to act in.

So.. this one looks like it actually will be filmed.. at least more likely than any of this other stuff I've been involved with.. and I will be in it. Don't know which character I'll be, it's changed once already, but I think I've been doing pretty well at the readings so far.

And that's about all. More info as more happens.

Oh FFS! Who do you have to service lewdly to get a decent shower around here!?!!

I may have mentioned that I've had a lot of trouble with hot water heaters over the years. I probably brought up, once or twice, that I've had a fair bit o' strife over the last 2 years and 3 months I've been living in my present location with one particular water heater. I stress that it's one particular heater because in this case, it should be a different one by now despite the unvarying location.

It's just shit. Ever since moving in here it's sucked. It used to just make the hot water go off every couple of minute so you have to stop the water and start it again and wait for it to heat up. We just shrugged and accepted it until it started acting all wiggy, not heating up at all, exploding all over our kitchen, spewing dirty water everywhere.. and we got someone to come in and fix it. I told him of the original problem, as well as the pressing one, expecting that to be fixed as well. When he was done he said it was fixed. I asked if it would stop cutting out like that and he said.. well no, but when it does you'll see this red button and it'll heat up again. Thanks. That really helps when I'M IN THE FUCKING SHOWER AND HAVE TO COME OUT TO THE KITCHEN AFTER I JUST COVERED MY HEAD WITH SHAMPOO AND CRAP, but that was it.. and after that, it stayed on for longer, but when it stopped, it didn't just come back, you had to press the red button.. which is in the kitchen and it never came on right away, you had to wait and try a couple of times. Generally it was long enough to have a relatively brisk shower, so we lived with it.

It did the exploding thing again at some point, and went back between being on for a few minutes and going out with option to turn water on again and heat.. and staying on for a bit longer but without the option to come just back on. We got used to it. It fucked up again, made horrible growling noises, stopped working sometimes.. exploded over our dishes a few more times.

Earlier this year it fucked up again, worse than usual.. another thing still.. it wouldn't come on sometimes.. no reason, no idea why or when, it just wouldn't, and then later it would. Then it started turning the heater on every time the hot water came on, and as this was almost a month ago.. actually in the summer, which was kinda fucking hot, we considered it a negative. We managed like this for a while and finally emailed them about it.

A couple of weeks later I got a phone call that the dude was coming, like today. By then this latest problem had mostly subsided and we were getting the water going out quickly, and heater coming on thing still.. or something. So he fixed it. Or should I say "fixed" it. Not his fault, he did what he could, and told me the thing was old and fucked up, and the owners just don't want to pay for a new one, but it was fixed.. oh but the heater will come on every time the hot water does.

So that was it. Turned out, apart from the heater coming on every time the water did, and the water pressure being really low, and the water not heating up as much as it would, all was fine. I mean, it didn't cut out anymore. We thought.. what the fuck, it'll do.

The last few days there's been no change in the water pressure, but the water seems to be cooler. Just a few weeks ago it would heat up sometimes to a really nice shower heat but now it seems to exclusively fall between barely lukewarm ie cold if you try to stand under it, to only just tolerable for a shower.. certainly not a comfortable shower.. and definitely not an enjoyable one. It moves between these temperatures completely randomly, we tried doing different things like turning the heater on or off, or filling up the water tank but it makes no difference, it's warm, ie a temperature it's possible but not exactly comfortable to shower in, when and if it wants to be. The local weather gods seem to have decided that September/summer/over it's particularly trying.

And that's it for my tale of water woes. I went into more detail than I expected. Sorry for boring you :Z

Time for something bad..

real bad.

I thought I'd write another poem, or rather let one come to me as I put pen to paper, metaphorically. Is that a metaphor? I really need to brush up on my writing stuff education, or rather gain some, for that which I ever had that I forgot is pretty slim. See, previous sentence :Z

What is lost.
by me

Whatever there was,
whatever it is
whether it ever was..

was it?

How will I ever know?

The end.

Happy Wednesday.

Tuesday stupid questions...

Apostrophes! What's the deal with them? Why are there so many of them? Why are they so often ill used?

Seriously I got nothing. I used to come up with stupid questions all the time in the most unlikely places and even though I usually didn't get them written down right away and often not in time to remember them at all, there were enough of them to have material for this here bit at some point in time but these days.. nothing. And I don't remember any of the old ones and the ones I wrote down seem dumb.

I don't know what's wrong with me.. it's like I've lost my ability to to think up pointless things that can be written about in a semi-humorous way if you're amused by that sort of thing which it seems at least one person is.. but.. I dunno. I've lost my mojo, as they say.

When accuracy is wrong.

I've lamented, once or twice, certain people's tendency to misuse apostrophes. Mostly when people put extra apostrophes where they are not needed, this is something highly offensive to me.. as you would know if you've read like.. anything here ever.. (except for the posts which don't actually mention anything at all about apostrophes which when I think about it is the far majority but that's beside the point) and it's wrong.

Sometimes it's correct to use an apostrophe. When you're indicating a possessive for instance. Actually that's kinda it.. that's what they're for.. and it's all well and good when it's included in such instances, and of course, grossly incorrect to leave it out..

I guess technically.. decades are somehow a possessive of.. whatever it is you're talking about when you mention them.. though I can't figure out what.. for instance "the 50's" or "my 30's"

*thinks about it for a bit*

not exactly sure, but I'm sure it's right somehow because according to the internet and other stuff where well educated people write they generally use this.

Well I don't like it. Not because it may or may not be correct.. in fact I'm sure it is due to the factors I mentioned earlier, but because it sucks. The 50s is better. So is my 30s. And that's what I'll always use and if you don't like it well.. well. I don't care!

I probably shouldn't mention this..

but one of the things I may have vaguely alluded to amongst a bunch of other general things at one point might actually be happening.

It looks like it's on track which I'm rather pleased at, as this would be the first such thing I've been in all year, in fact since more than a year ago which is long. I have a meeting tomorrow after which I'll know more..

Hopefully all will go well. Of course there's the chance that it won't.

And for my 5 year, 2 month, 4 days and about 16 hours..

anniversary..

I present you....

Ok so it isn't. I mean, I don't know.. I guess I've been blogging for about that long. *checks*

Actually it's 5 years, 2 months, 12 days and about 3 hours.. I was pretty close there.

Ok so to the point. It's ridiculous right? An anniversary for 5 years, 2 months, 12.. etc etc. I mean, you might as well call every second of every minute of every hour of every day an anniversary.. even though anniversaries are traditionally days, but if we're going to throw the entire logic of the idea out, we might as well celebrate seconds. With drinks.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against using any excuse to drink, I just think "I feel like a drink" is a good enough one and I'm not getting any nearer the point. First, here is the origin of the word:

1200–50; ME anniversarie (< AF) < ML ( diēs ) anniversāria anniversary (day), L anniversārius recurring yearly, equiv. to anni- (comb. form of annus year) + vers ( us ) turned, ptp. of vertere ( vert- turn + -tus ptp. suffix) + -ārius -ary

Apart from a whole mess of meaningless symbols, it tells us that the "anni" part of the word comes from the meaning for "year". You see what I mean? See what I mean? Do you?

Well.. ok, so the word is about celebrating something to do with years, we get that, the prefix tells us that pretty strongly... and I know there aren't people out there celebrating their 5 year, 2 month etc anniversaries, not too much anyway.. but 6 month anniversary? 4 month anniversary? 2 week anniversary? All the fucking time!

And I just want to point out it's wrong that's all. The prefix says so. So stop it.

One of them whatsit posts.

you know.. the come up with some caption thingy...

well?

Perplexing, baffling, and flabbergasting.

I wonder why, and am none too pleased with, when I clean the place properly, as opposed to sweeping up a bit of particularly offensive floor and look at the stains and think I really should get around to mopping that bit at least.. I succeed in spreading the cat litter spread around this admittedly tiny flat more than anything.

Why do I even bother? Well usually I don't..

Grabbing life's delights wherever I can..

Sometimes I like to not shower for ages.. like for 2 whole days, because when I finally do I feel so clean and fresh. Usually there are other factors involved, like I'm feeling sick or particularly lazy, and of course only on days I haven't any need to be anywhere.

I have a feeling of deja vu about this post, which isn't so much deja vu but memory of not all that long ago posting pretty much exactly this. Make of it what you will.

The second that lasts a lifetime..

or at least a minute and a half.

Yesterday I had a bit of a fall. Some of you may have heard this already, but I'll retell the story here. I was on my way out, in my sickly state, to do some business. I wasn't really in the mood to go out at all or to do this thing in particular, which was to register with a casting agency if you must know, turned out it was mostly just filling out a form, but they did take some photos of me on not exactly my best day. Anyway, as I was walking down the stairs of my building I debated to myself whether to bother looking in the mailbox or not.. and as I got to the last step I decided yes I would, while glancing at my phone to see the time. And then, I don't know if it was the change in step, or my slightly woozy state or being on the steps but I lost balance. My left foot sort of caved under me, and twisted around.. and in that second, or half a second I first thought oh shit I've lost balance.. then I thought I'd just wobble a bit and be alright, then I realized I couldn't, maybe I could hang onto the rail or something.. not exactly in this order or those exact thoughts... I just know there was a few points before I realized "this is it, I'm going down". And down I went... from the moment I realized it was definitely happening and I was powerless to prevent it, it seemed like another minute.. and I had another few points.. will I hurt my ankle, will I fall hard, will my phone fly out of my hand and go to pieces.

So I fell, pretty hard. My phone flew out of my hand and went to pieces. I sat there for a while, with my foot feeling pretty sore, and at this point I had no idea how bad it might be, I might be unable to walk. I was pretty unhappy right at that moment. After a second I got myself up, picked up the phone, put the battery in and all that.. and managed to walk ok. I was fine.

Today I felt it again. My ankle has been bothering me, but more in a "day after I've done something strenuous" way than a "twisted" way, and in any case it would have been a problem yesterday if it was a serious problem so I'm glad at least of that.

But I'm still feeling poorly. I've been promoted to having a really bad, loud constant cough. I'm really looking forward to this thing going away completely.

It's the sort of day when it's good to be me..

I'm feeling shitty. Crappy, crummy in fact. It started with the beginnings of a sore throat on Friday and kept on all through the weekend, with added sniffles, some sneezing, some dizzy headcoldy feelings. It sucked. Well it still sucks, I wasn't much better today, at least not in the morning.

Now, this is the sort of thing that sucks no matter what, feeling sick is shitty, and I'm not the sort of person who's stoic in the face of it, I let it get to me as much as anyone can... all I do is grumble about it and don't want to do anything. So yeah, it was going to be shit no matter what. The good part about being me is that I, to be perfectly honest, don't do a whole lot. And I mostly "work" from home, and have some control over the hours I keep so usually, if I'm feeling awful on Monday morning.. I can just slob around home and work on whining and getting better.

But no. Today of all fucking days in my boring pointless life I had stuff to do. Stuff! Like, go out of the house looking professional and navigating the currently largely diverted Prague tram system on a windy and cold (for August) day. I even had a fucking profile photo shot.. while looking red faced and puffy. And I had to go to a bank.

You see, even when it works out to be me it turns out that everything sucks anyway. Told you I had it hard, but you didn't believe me.

Well I tried it.

And it didn't work. What I need to do is transfer some filmed footage from a tape to the computer. I looked it up, found out you can do that with Windows Movie Maker 2, I tried to download that, kept being taken to another page and couldn't find a download for the actual program, then I realized it's the version I already had.

I wiped the egg off my face and carried on. Well this is after trying it in the version I had, and it not working and the battery dying almost immediately after I did, so I charged it and tried it again after all the previously mentioned stuff.. knowing that it's the right version and it still didn't work so I don't know.. I need another connection cord or something, this one fits the camera but isn't the one the cam came with, don't know where that is, if it's even in this flat, but you'd think if the knobs fit in the bits then that means it's compatible.. apparently not. Either that or there's some other problem.

So that stuff is still stuck there until such time as I figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with it. And I've got a sore throat, I hate having a sore throat. Grrr.

Things that I find kind of weird.

Why is it in all those fake reality show shows, you know like The Office or whatever, the people do and say all these things that are private, supposed to be secret, downright illegal when there's "no one" else around.. ie no one in the scene, but everything that's filmed is supposed to be on film in the reality of the show and in fact they often speak to the camera after doing such things? It makes no sense!

Thanks for the support.

I've recently received a bit of egging on to do the stuff that I said I wanted to be egged on for earlier and recently said I'd sort of done but didn't have the means for transferring it to a format which would make it possible for me to work on further, thus deflating my motivation for doing more of the same/fine tuning my craft/coming up with more ideas/doing other stuff sort of related that doesn't really need for this particular footage to be converted but it's made me less enthusiastic about it all the same etc.

*breathes*

So thanks. And I absolutely promise.. sorta, that I will get it out there. I really really intend to google a possible way to do this when I've finished whatever I'm wasting time on at the moment. So by the next time you ask I will have done that.. unless I totally forget about it until another time I'm in the middle of something else in which case it probably won't get done. And please keep in mind "getting it done" refers to me googling something and probably not finding what I'm looking for due to it either not existing or not being presented to me in a clear enough format for my lazy ass to really do something.

Ok ok.. I'll get something up there. Soon. Soonish. Maybe.

Welcome all...

Say whatever you want...

And I was doing so well!

Fuck! Just when everything was going so smoothly and nicely. Well.. relatively, I mean it totally sucks and then some on top of that but that's my cross to bear and I've been so stoic about it recently.. I think you could say I've bearing it with grace. So hear I am.. coasting along with things being only a little bit below average.. for me.. ie totally fucked up sucking by normal standards.. I watch a nice ep of one of the better calibre of modern television programs on at the moment.. go to get back online and..

well.. you can guess what happened. I didn't get online. This happens often for a little while.. but it stayed not working for hours. Well an hour and a half and I went to bed.

So anyway this morning it still didn't work and continued not working and anyone who knows me, or reads this blog thing like ever knows this is a big deal for me. A big bad deal. So fuck. On top of that I was forced to come down to this local pub to get their wifi.

I told you it was hard being me.