kay I'm depressed again..

I think I'm in a funk, but it might pass, I don't know. I'm always in a bit of one but sometimes there's something to take my mind off it so I don't know, but then things.. just things, remind me of it. I am in slightly more of one now than I have been since at least... I dunno, Friday, maybe Tuesday.

In any case, I just have this.. thing, hovering over my head that whatever is at the forefront of my mind I just keep thinking.. something is wrong. And it is, but it always is, this is my default state but now it's just with me. I don't know if it will last, get better or worse or fluctuate.. if that's even the right word for what I mean. It probably isn't, but it doesn't matter.

Blergh!

Was not a good day today. I feel crummy, grumpy, gumpy and, I dunno. Well I did. It's not as bad now, but things will have to change at least a tiny bit for tomorrow not to be a repeat. Oh and it's still cold, going to get colder tomorrow and for the next few days.. spring? What spring? Grrr.. that's kind of vexing me too. Oh and I didn't do a single thing on my long long list of things that really totally need to be done like, right away.. which doesn't include a whole 'nother list of things I really really should do if I want like.. anything to be achieved at all of worth but obvs there's no time for that and anyway I didn't do any of it anyway. Yes, I said anyway twice. It's just been shitty ok.

OFF*%FS!

Today is a shitty day. A really fucked up crappy, crummy day.

Here I was thinking.. Jan is coming to a close, it's warming up, had a lovely eve yesterday, ice skating (not well, and not even half well but after 10 minutes considerably better than first getting on the ice) for the first time in.. well, yonks, under the light snow, and though it was far from perfect, (arriving late because though it says online they close at 10, they closed at 7, and skating without Erik, and as I said not exactly getting on so well) it was quite nice. It even snowed, I may have mentioned. Oh and Erik found some spare batts, rechargables that worked really fine so I was able to take photos with my cam again just in time for a pretty snowy eve. We had a beer in a charming English style pub named after a koala and, well.. one of the more pleasant eves, in fact overall days of Jan so far.

Then came today. The last Monday o Jan. And they (the infamous They who are responsible for so much grief) weren't going to let us off easy.

Erik had some visa stuff to do in the morning. We were chatting back and forth in the morning, silly stuff, as he waited and waited, until they turned the electricity off. Yeah, they turned the electricity off. So he calls and sends messages to whoever after I manage to get him to call me, call, let him call back, but at first he answered and used up some precious few credits I had left, but whatev.. and then back and forth again. Here I am thinking he's already at work, but there's still 144 people until his number comes up at the whatever office ministry thingy he was waiting at. So, no answer from anyone. I try everything a layperson can do in this situation, knowing not if we'd been turned off or some muppet working on the flats int he building had turned off the power in the wrong flat or bumped into something or whatever, just waiting for someone to get back to him and for him to get back to me. He called a bunch of times, but to ask how I was doing, which was not at all. Finally, after a few hours, well many hours the maintenance dude guy from upstairs came by and tried all the boxes in the electricity cupboard thingy and none of them worked. Once again a mundane and pointless story of my life is getting very long and detailed, so basically what happened was, still don't have power, Erik was at the ministry thing all day, and then they gave him shit about stuff but at least he got the visa, and now he's at the dentist.

It's not as cold as it was, I suppose that's one good point.. but IT'S COLD ENOUGH IN A FLAT THAT HAS NO HEAT NO LIGHT NO HOT WATER AND OH YEAH.. NO ELECTRICITY TO RUN ANYTHING AT ALL!

Gotta sort this shit out tomorrow. Another day, another shitty day. JMG.

Eleven.

Days to go. Of this month. Nothing will change and if it does it won't be necessarily better, just cos it's not Jan anymore but.. it's good to have something to look forward to, no need to worry that there isn't actually such a thing until such time as it occurs. Or doesn't.

It's my way of coping and I'm sticking to it.

JMG!

The bla bla blahs...

I'm feeling a bit mopey at the moment. I have a case of those things the blahs.. you know when you're feeling down for no particular reason, and when you stop to think about it you wonder why you're feeling like that you can't figure out why but you nevertheless continue to feel that way. I mean, feeling physically not great can contribute.. and I've been feeling.. not sick exactly, but not well, and as if I'm about to get sick, this does not please me.

And well.. there is stuff, practical stuff, personal stuff, crappy stuff that's always there that I try to avoid thinking of which lingers around in the background some of the time and is thrust to the forefront without my consent at times which explain this feeling in themselves but I feel there's something outside of it.. something that's.. blah.

This stuff going on can certainly contribute, and one thing at the moment bothering me, which was triggered by one of the aforementioined crummy things is the realization that I'm me, and I always will be and sometimes, I just can't escape thinking about it.. that certain things about me which I kinda know but haven't focused on so much are so true and so real, and these are things that get in the way of me moving forward, with life, with all this acting stuff.. and although I hate that about myself I don't want to change it, I just don't want to and won't do it, because changing it would involve doing stuff that I really don't want to do... and I really don't want to do it.

And being half an hour in a crowded post office waiting for what I hoped was a long lost package, and instead picking up something huge and bulky that was a return.. doesn't help at all. And now I have to go to class. Why do I never seem to be in the mood for it?

The word "glum" comes to mind.

I've been having a serious case of the blahs recently. You know when you're just feeling... bla.. and you just can't figure out why.. there's no reason, everything is just... blah. A combination of worries, irritating people, the pointlessness of modern life getting to you, that sort of thing. Oh and feeling like life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything that I want to be doing moving towards much desired goals bla bla bla.. blah.. nevermind what I "should" be doing.. that's not happening much or in an ideal way either.. meaning I've got not money and that doesn't help.

I suppose I do have some very definite clear cut reasons why I'm feeling like this. Not to mention the not so clear cut but.. "grumble, whine" what's the point sort of non contemplating. It's not a good combination of stuff.

I'm not sure that made any sense, but does life ever make sense? Does anything ever make sense? Is there such a thing as sense? It's a word in the dictionary but what does it REALLY MEAN?

Well, there are 18 different definitions so I won't post it all here.. but yeah, it does mean stuff. *feels a bit sheepish*

Still.. makes you think doesn't it?

I think I want to drink some more.

And here we are again.

Well, I got the comp working again. I got the shell fitted with the very same hard drive it used to hard drive it used to have. So after deleting a bunch of stuff I had to try in vain to get whatever of the left I could on a memory stick and have no room to store anything it's been returned to where it was and I'm in exactly the same position I was in December with a computer with Linux that I can't connect to the internet and can't get any programs working properly.

Ok so I can store all my photos again and free up space on my memory cards. That's a good thing. And I'm in good health and there aren't any major traumas going on at the mo, that's good too.

Having said that, it is that month. The one where you have the blahs and there's still not enough daylight and you're all partied out and have no money and it's freezing fucking cold but there's still no snow there's something called "icy rain" and the other comp the one that actually connects to the internet is getting worse every day and you're back to work or if you didn't work before now going to work... ok, I'm not doing that much work.

Well it's not that bad, it's just.. blah!

*waits for spring and stuff*

Just so you know...

I'm feeling quite awful at the moment. Not physically, though I don't actually feel that great in body, but more that I'm rather depressed.

It's not such a big thing, so you can hold the concern, it's just more of a terminal case of the blahs, brought on by having a pretty much dull life, pointless existence and waning interest in the only things that have been interesting to me lately. Oh and pissing off someone so they don't want to talk to me, due to my own big fat mouth, or rather big fat typing finger, which is actually all of them seeing as I type "properly". Anyway it might resolve itself, and if it doesn't it might not turn out to be so bad. In any case I need to finally start going out and doing "stuff". Enough of this not doing anything but sitting at the computer, there's only so many times you can blog about that and make it interesting.

Strangely enough, the spellchecker doesn't count "blahs" as a misspelling.