When one fails...

one usually gives up. Or just.. yanno, fails and that's it's over because the thing you were doing was the thing and now that thing isn't.. I mean, it's over, so you know. Well anyway that's how it usually is. Otherwise one usually gives up. One is referring to oneself of course.

This time however, I shan't do that. Or the other thing, which isn't relevant because I actually have some say about this.

So, I, along with another person who I've met like, 3 times who wrote something on Facebook are creating a new group, classes thingy for actors. Yes, creating. Well trying. We met a few times in December to talk about it, and tried to get more people who were interested in this thing whatever it's going to be to come to the meetings and one other person did, and then no one else did, or they did but we didn't bother to get phone numbers or know what anyone looked like or anything and we missed each other. Oh well, you learn.

Today was the first actual class, thing, whatever it is. The other founder (as I shall in future refer to us as, when I think of it) is a teacher so has access to actual classrooms, so that was where it was, but we met at a tram stop at a particular time. I met him. It was a crowded tram stop and we didn't see anyone else, well, not that we knew what they looked like, or had their number. There was one other person who had RSVPs that is selected going on the FB event, and her name was Anne or something beginning with A, or something. So we waited, and then went to check out the classroom. He got his laptop out and contacted her and she said she was there but we weren't and that went back and forth, anyway, then we got to talking about um.. what are we actually going to do in these meeting/class/thingies.. good question, I didn't know, do you know, no I don't know do you know? So we, as the founders and er.. I guess teachers, had a responsibility to actually have some material for this thing.. so probably good no one showed.

By the end of our meeting, teachers meeting you can call it, we had a schedule for next week, proper meeting instructions and everything and even stuff planned for the class so hopefully, next week, finally it will start to be something.

I'm quite proud really. After just over a month and 3 meetings, between the 2 of us we've managed to be about as organized as a reasonably competent person can be expected to be in an afternoon of planning. Not bad really.

What was that I was whining about again?

Oh yeah, getting older, getting old, getting even further away from an age where I can pretend I'm young enough to be young and stupid, and carefree and all the things we like about being "young".

I was going to stop but... I haven't had a great time of it since this last milestone.. actually, ever since the Sunday before the milestone, aka the day after the night that I actually celebrated said milestone, it being a Saturday at all.. I mean, I have a couple of drinks which by now I've mentioned more than once was a quite respectable night of not total debauchery, was all fucked with a hangover all the next day, felt almost fine the next morning except for what seemed like a tickle in my throat which may or may not have been the start of a cold/flu.. go outside, which in all fairness was very cold and contained a lot of snow, for about 5 minutes.. and then later on come down with the very cold/flu I'd been dreading.

Today I woke up all stuffy and frogthroated, and on top of that I've been getting these sharp pains in my back. What the fuck is wrong with me? I get that it's normal to get colds when it's like, really cold but this is really fucking tedious.

Ideally, I wouldn't have any of this, but second ideally I'd have a bunch of drugs here with me to deal with it.. I'm talking aspirin and cold remedies people.. don't get carried away, and nowhere to go, I'd just laze around, watching movies and feeling high.. but no, not only do I not have anything, not even a single aspirin, but I've got like.. stuff to do.. tonight I have to meet with this director person, tomorrow night I have class, the last one of the term so I really should go even though I still need to think of a fucking activity to do.. and Thursday I'm filming, all day, outside, on some hill somewhere.

I might have mentioned all this already.

*sighs, laughs, weeps, gets a bit giddy*

I wonder how tonight was, seriously I do. I went to my class again, after another day of boredom, waiting, and getting a whopping big bag full of new worries to add to the already present worries which is in a way all the same worry but it's getting bigger and quite frankly, it's boring me and I'd prefer to keep it all at a distance and not deal with it but that's not really working for me anymore...

*breathes*

so I had this ordinary day. And I was tired, being unable to sleep due in part to the aforementioned worries and some other stuff which is partly worrying and partly exasperating which is quite frankly embarrassing and I'm not going to go into detail about it, and it gets dark at like 4 so you know I was preparing to have a crappy evening.

I was determined to have a crappy evening! Sort of. It turned out ok though, I mean, I wasn't completely disconnected, had a few actual emotions here and there and may have once or twice shown one, and I got decent feedback. So it was alright.

So currently I'm feeling ok about that, for the moment, until next time I do it and feel all shitty again, but the other stuff, the stuff I talked about first and then the stuff after that. Well it's fucked.

It just goes to show..

What I was feeling yesterday, was nothing less than the truth. The me of Meisner in my class was exactly the me that I thought long and hard about yesterday. I did it, I was affected by my mood which needless to say was bad, and I was feeling slightly ill as well.. that came out, but mostly I was just repressed, buttoned up, tightly wound, holding back, uptight and all manner of other uncomplimentary things which fit me perfectly.

It's just so hard! And by it I mean everything.. the meisner stuff, work stuff, life!

*pouts and stuff*

More and more things..

I'm being overwhelmed by things. These things are things I should do.. well, it would behoove me to do them, whatever that means. One of the things I should do just for practice because I haven't a chance in hell of getting the job for it, but I really should do it. Or maybe I shouldn't.

The other I should do, and it doesn't cost all that much, for once, but I don't know. It will get in the way of other things I'm doing and as the following weekend I'm planning a trip away, and that will be the time it starts getting more involved and then there's the Meisner stuff which I'm so not getting still and needs tons and tons of rehearsals!

I might do some of them. Or one of them. I'll see.

Rehearsing, reading, repeating.

I was a bit naughty last night and got a wee bit drunk before my "rehearsal" last night, and continued to get more so during. We call it rehearsal but it might more accurately be called practice, because, well it's practice of the stuff we do, which is talk at each other and repeat. I could explain it more but I won't. Anyway this guy wanted to rehearse in the evening, so invited us over and I thought it would be 7 or 8.. a good time to get work done, and then afterwards you go for a drink etc etc.

Well.. after trying to pin down the right time and get his address all day I found out it's at 9:00 and arranged to meet some class members on a corner somewhere because people are allergic to giving out addresses to places you want them to go, it seems.

So Erik had this thing on, which involved drinking in a pub, and as it worked out for me to go along for a bit I went along for a bit, and downed 2 and a half beers in an hour and a half, or something.

I went to the corner, of course no one's there, and it's one of those corners where you're not sure you're on the right corner or not, but after a while one of them showed up,, saying the other one was late, and he's the one who knows where to go, but she had a map thingy so we found it, right on that street and then we had to figure out how to get in, so she had to call the other guy to get this guy's number

Well anyway after a bit of time all four, the total who bothered showing up were there and in between a lot of talking and drinking beers we did a bit of rehearsal. I don't know if it helped or hindered or made no difference to do it drunk. I think I had even more trouble focusing, but hey, like I said, he wanted to do it at 9pm so...

Thankfully today I woke up with a headache and no more because I had a reading for the other thing I'm doing, the film. Still no final script but we're getting there, hopefully by next time we'll be reading the actual script so it'll be rehearsing, which will make all this confusing. I can't wait to get to the actual filming bit of things..

Tomorrow there's another rehearsal, ie practice for the Meisner thing, and it's the afternoon so I might be able to show up non blotto... although they keep changing the time and making it earlier which makes it less likely that I'll bother to get my lazy ass out of bed for it. And that's it.

*crosses off item on list*

I made someone cry yesterday, and I didn't even care.

Really I didn't, not very much, not as much as I have. I was affected somewhat by being called a monster, and having someone who appears to be a sweet person afraid of me.. but mostly confusion on how I could have that affect, perhaps a little upset about it but..

Ok so it wasn't a real life situation, not really, it was class, the Meisner thing, the thing I do that I'm having so much trouble with. Last night's class was going well, for a bit.. I thought I was getting into it more than I have so far this time round.. and despite the negative mood during the exercise, which did affect me, a little bit, I was also kind of pleased that I was generating this kind of response, and responding.. which means I was thinking, and focusing on myself which you're not supposed to do but we're talking about me here.. and what happened was progress, I think.. I thought, at least a tiny little bit.

After the monster thing.. which came before the crying thing (slightly in my defense) I was thinking (there I go again) that I should be really upset about this.. and feel more caring towards this innocent young girl who really was upset at me just saying this shit.. but I didn't, I was just in the exercise and I just didn't care.. that much. I felt I should care more, but I wasn't going to fake it, there would be no point. I thought if I at least honestly portrayed how I felt. ie er sorry but I seriously truly am not really affected by this.. it would be at least something..

Like I said.. tiny tiny progress for someone who really doesn't get this shit.. not a huge thing, but I felt slightly good about it due to that. Then I got the talk.. and it was the same old thing.. I'm holding back, and apparently during the few parts I genuinely felt something and expressed it I was pushing it. Something like that. Meanwhile I made her cry.. she cared enough, in the middle of standing in class looking at someone and saying stuff to do that, for real. And other people have had similarly genuine experiences too.. of course it's hard for everyone, but being able to really care in the middle of it.. is well.. it's the whole point, you can't do that, you're fucked. Pretty much.

And yeah.. I know, not everyone gets it the same way, not everyone progresses at the same level, and has different obstacles to overcome but.. I DID THIS SHIT FOR A YEAR ALREADY! For a fucking year. And I've been going to classes for 2 weeks now.. you think it would have awoken something that was already there amongst everything I did but no, nothing, people who've done this like 5 times are already well ahead of me.

I think I mentioned all this before.. oh well.

Doom and gloom.. go together like..

something not at all pleasant, and something else, that isn't pleasant at all.

It's just raining and raining.. and raining and raining and raining. Well it stopped a while ago but it was raining a real lot... perhaps it's started again.

I have class tonight.. I'm already kind of over it, even though it's only the 3rd one.. I mean my 3rd.. it's already like the 5th one but that's kind of neither here nor there.. but it's just so.. hard.. well for me.. I mean I think it's hard but this shit.. this shit, and I may have mentioned this before, just isn't me. I dunno.. I always have this feeling of dread before the day comes the class is on, and as it approaches evening, and as I'm ready to go out, and as I'm sitting in class waiting my turn.. it's just.. grrr..

So I already feel enough like not budging.. and well.. the rain.. you know.

*sighs*

I appear to be.. busy..

There are a few things going on in my life at the moment, something I haven't experienced for... well, since last time. It seems like there's so much going on at once at times.. though those times aren't very often. It's like.. I have absolutely nothing going on most of the time, a few breaks in that when one thing happens.. and out of the 4 things I do over the year, 3 of them happen at the same time, so I'm either rushed or have to choose between things, or both.

Well anyway, as I always say, for a normal person the stuff going on right now isn't all that much but for me it's.. not exactly overwhelming.. just different to what I'm used to.

The problem with this right now is that these people seem to be coy about letting me know exactly when shit is going to happen, or ask me when a good time is but I don't know as of yet because someone else hasn't gotten back to me about their stuff.. and when you have like 3 WHOLE THINGS going on at once, it can be a bit dicey.

Of course, one of those things is class, one of which I've already missed for less than compelling reasons, one is something that I haven't met the person yet with and in fact I delayed the meeting because of another thing happening today.. and they haven't gotten back to me so that probably will turn into nothing, and the other is a casting which will just be that, a casting.. and I'm not just being negative here, it's more for a "get to know the group" thing, than for specific films thing.

And the other thing.. well that seems to be going ok, but a bit slow at the moment.

Seriously there isn't that much going on. I just like to make myself feel as though there is.

Not sure about it all..

So, I've now been to 2 classes of Meisner 2.0, for me anyway.. and I've decided it's, well.. I don't know. I'm seriously wondering if it's for me at all, but I've committed, with money and everything, to do it for at least "a bit", so I'll continue to do it. At least for a bit.

I mean, I like the idea of doing it, and getting better, and doing something serious re acting, and I know I'm just starting, in a way, and this shit is hard.. but..

So I've done 2 classes. The first one I did I felt a bit heavy after.. I don't know if that's the right word, I mean I know it's not the right word, but one thing about doing this stuff is that I can never think of the right word for anything, so that's me all over.. anyway, I felt.. not great, though I didn't let it bother me that much. Well I did but I figured.. I've only just started.

Last night I did another class, and it went better, at least I felt better. My exercise didn't go great, not terrible but dull at first, and then I got all flustered and couldn't think of what I was supposed to be doing.. not that this explains it but I can't really explain it unless I explain the entire process to you so you're going to just have to believe me. I didn't feel so bad about it because I felt I was doing something right.. a tiny little bit of something, although there were still huge obstacles there.. and it was a slight improvement.

I did it early, and watched the rest of the class afterwards and during that, I began to wonder what the fuck I was doing there. I mean, yes it's early, and pretty much everyone had huge amounts of trouble with what they were doing, understandably, it's hard.. really hard for something so stupidly simple.. but.. people were getting it. They were really connecting, really reading the other person.. well maybe not everyone, and probably not very much, and maybe not at all in the way I understood it but, it was there, a little bit. And I just never get that. I can not do it. I can't turn my brain off, I can't concentrate fully on another person who's standing there. I can't really let out my feelings, whatever they are.. or rather, really feel something that strong when I'm in the middle of this exercise which I can never feel as if it's anything but an exercise..

but here are people.. people completely new to this, feeling it. A tiny bit maybe, and clumsily, but it's their 2nd fucking day! And yes, I'm really rusty on this but.. I did this for a fucking year! A whole fucking year of this stuff! A year of this stuff, some more advanced stuff, reading a lot about it and going to class, week after week and here I am at square one, with people who didn't do that fucking year already advancing past me.

What in the fucking fuck was that year for? I got nothing out of it. And here I am, again, starting in the kiddie beginner class and I'm supposed to what? Learn something? Get better at this? After a year that I have nothing to show for? I mean... fuck. Maybe it's just not for me.

A bright new world is opening up..

I mean.. sorta. Not really. I'm just going to class again tonight after about a month's break. It's good to get back to the world of creativity which I've neglected.. apart from taking wonderful photos, and coming up with brilliant prose in the middle of the night that I failed to ever write down.. but I've been starved for the acting part, but tonight I'm back in it.

I'm not really looking forward to it, I have to say. I don't know why, I have a door that isn't half bad, pretty good by my standards, which admittedly isn't saying much, but it'll do. I don't have an activity but I'm not going to stress myself out about it, and it's not in the freezing cold, dark shed behind the veggie shop that it usually is, we have a special venue tonight as we're also hosting an interview with a major casting agent in Prague, another thing that could be quite positive.

So I don't really have any excuse to not want to go, it will probably be quite good. I'm probably just being lazy. Or it's because of January. I think that's it, it's all Jan's fault.