Less Sick, Still Doomed

I don't really have much to expand on that. I think I'm less sick, I sometimes feel I am then I start feeling more stuffy or coughy. I managed to get to the post office yesterday to pick up something which would have been sent back if I'd waited today. I could have done it earlier but I didn't want to, I didn't want to get it at all, I was sure it would be something to add to the pile of misery I'm dealing with. Turned out to be a neutral delivery, so I was rewarded for my effort, I suppose.

I am a bit better and I will get better, but what then? I have no prospects, no money, no future. At least not yet. The longer future probably, by the law of probability will provide me with some sort of, at least survival, after pulling myself up from severe hardship, but that's the best I can hope for. Long term prospects generally come with higher expectation, and what I can realistically hope for over the course of my coming life, is pretty disappointing. Maybe not quite drudgery and misery but, well yeah, probably that. No life, no meaning, no chance for any of my old dreams or ambitions to fruitilize. Yes I just made up a word, I'm doomed and I have no future so I can have at least that.

I mean it's not all that bad, I may be exaggerating, not on how it is or how it will be, but about the effect of it all, but right now I'm just not in the mood to put a happy face on it all.

And those kittens are still hidden away.

Musings and such.

It kind of sucks that, when you have something bothering you, whether it's a sore throat, some dreaded event, unbearable cold..it overshadows everything. All else can be just fine, even good, but you can't stop worrying, or aching. 

Then it goes away and you don't notice. It's not like.. everything is normal and dull, but not bad.. you're sitting there thinking.. "isn't it wonderful, I'm not sniffling and sneezing"..  I mean.. ok, once the dreaded event if over.. you get warm, there's relief for about a minute, then it's just fine. Other things like being sick.. a cough or something, it goes away, and one day you realize "hey" my throat's not all fucked up anymore in that weird way that keeps going away and coming back and I don't have a cough either.. awesome! Now I can just get on with things and enjoy it all" No. Well not me anyway.. I just say.. oh yeah, it's gone. Whatever. 

Of course, there's always something else to annoy/be worried about. That is if you're me. Not that I'm complaining or anything.

I hate to whine but.

Fuck!

Every little fucking thing has to be so fucking difficult! And yeah, it is little things. Well one thing is a big thing.. some ridiculous debt that some fucking company insists I owe which is a total mistake but they will not own it.. and who fucking knows what will come of it.. but whatever.. I'm here to talk about little things, insignificant things.. things that don't matter and it's a waste of breath and or finger strength to pay attention to..

Ok so I tried to get a monthly pass for public transport right? I stupidly thought I'd just go to the window where they sell them and get it but no.. she says.. o you can't get one if you don't already have one you have to get this bla bla bla for (much bigger price) and moved away from the window.. so I get her attention then.. and ask "so how do I get a new open card?" so she says oh up there you can get the form and vaguely points and gives me a little piece of paper. The little piece of paper has a street which I don't know although I know this area very well.. and some instructions.. so I walk up, and left.. and then.. well.. I walk across the crosswalk.. go around and sure enough no such street exists n the area..

well.. I was sorta on the way to work but I had plenty of time so I walk in that general direction and go to another metro station. I wait for other people in the line, the last one taking ages because she's getting her card recharged.. and then I look at my phone and I stress out because I think that I like.. need to be at the office now! So I run out, up out of the metro.. first I quickly get a ticket and go to jump on the tram but I'm on the wrong side and I say fuck it.. and just run. Then I look at the phone again and realize I have an hour.

Feeling sheepish, I go back into the metro. Fortunately there's no one there, and I ask the woman if I can get a new monthly card.. and she says they don't do it there and names the 3 metros which do it. Thank you.. at least she told me.. now why the first woman couldn't tell me that.. I don't know.

So I go to Mustek.. I go into the metro and don't see any window for such a thing. So I go to the other entrance and walk up to the ticket window.. wait for another person.. and ask.. she says.. oh we don't do it here you have to do it at Mustek B... so I ask.. um, how do I get there.. and she says go through into the metro to the B line. Oh.. well fuck. Now they expect you to buy a ticket to get into the metro to buy a monthly pass? Fuck em.. didn't have time anyway had to go to work.

See what I mean? Buying a fucking ticket so I can be a responsible paying citizen.. fuck em fuck em. Well at least the tour went ok.. nice people, only 2 and it was actually kind of fun.

Then I got home and the internet totally wouldn't work. Still doesn't. Life is so fucking hard.

You thought you were so clever didn't you?

Finally got us all keys today. Yes, I've been living here for over a week but we've been using this master key thingy... one between 2 of us. It's worked out.. because I sorta work near where he works and usually start when he finishes so we've managed.. but still, grown up people have as many keys as there are people in their domicile.. as the kids, I've been repeatedly told, wouldn't be caught dead saying today. And well.. we're nothing if not grown up, which pretty much makes us nothing but we can at least have a key each ffs!

So yeah.. it's not just a matter of getting a key cut, they're this weird newfangled security key thingy, and we had one, but the landlord came in like the day after we moved in to fix up some lights while we were out and used the wrong one and somehow.. no idea how this work, he reset the key, so the only key we had to this flat was the master key.

We were still moving stuff at the time, and Erik has work and I had tours so we couldn't really let him have the key to go get our ones done, so he kept it with us.. and we shared the key etc etc as has been hashed out earlier. Was busy, time went by, then was lazy, this place of course had to be somewhere a bit impractical to get to so I didn't bother for a few days.

so I went today. Looked up the place on the map, was armed with my little bag with keys and card and instructions. Well of course it's never that simple.. went to the metro and then to the tram stop.. got to the street without too much trouble but then.. well I had no idea where to go. I walked down the street and no fucking numbers.. just a lot of residential buildings and stuff being built... so I walked back, then I saw a sign for this place so I thought cool... and arrows, but I followed the arrows and obvs went past because I went too far, then I went back and there was an arrow pointing to a fence around a complex.. so I kept wandering back and forth til I saw a cornered arrow so I go around the corner..

well anyway.. I'm already bored with this, so it was in some huge complex.. sort of in the middle of nowhere so I walked around and around this dirt road.. and well my issue is that though I'd been given the address.. the place was actually NO WHERE NEAR THE FUCKING ROAD I WAS LOOKING FOR! I mean the arrows were on that road, but still.. at least tell me.

So.. I go in, show them the stuff saying do this all the info should be there and the guy asks me if I want it like this one or something else and I'm like, I don't fucking know, I need a key like this, so he cuts me 2 master keys. I think. I dunno.. they work so that's good, but if it's a problem I'm not going back there to get the proper ones, fuck that and stuff.

I mean it wasn't that bad.. but really, what's wrong with regular fucking keys that don't fuck up if someone puts another key in the door, which you can get cut anywhere, and real cheap? They seem to work don't they?

It's the sort of day when it's good to be me..

I'm feeling shitty. Crappy, crummy in fact. It started with the beginnings of a sore throat on Friday and kept on all through the weekend, with added sniffles, some sneezing, some dizzy headcoldy feelings. It sucked. Well it still sucks, I wasn't much better today, at least not in the morning.

Now, this is the sort of thing that sucks no matter what, feeling sick is shitty, and I'm not the sort of person who's stoic in the face of it, I let it get to me as much as anyone can... all I do is grumble about it and don't want to do anything. So yeah, it was going to be shit no matter what. The good part about being me is that I, to be perfectly honest, don't do a whole lot. And I mostly "work" from home, and have some control over the hours I keep so usually, if I'm feeling awful on Monday morning.. I can just slob around home and work on whining and getting better.

But no. Today of all fucking days in my boring pointless life I had stuff to do. Stuff! Like, go out of the house looking professional and navigating the currently largely diverted Prague tram system on a windy and cold (for August) day. I even had a fucking profile photo shot.. while looking red faced and puffy. And I had to go to a bank.

You see, even when it works out to be me it turns out that everything sucks anyway. Told you I had it hard, but you didn't believe me.