The more.. the merrier.

Or so they say. Those "they" again.. they sure say a lot, some of it profound, some of it, sensible, some of it witty. A lot of it is utter bullshit, however, this one can be true. Of course, it depends on the situation, the more can be the crappier in some situations.. like say, in a home that's just right for 2, and specifically the particular people who live there, choose to live there together, get on for the most part and have their particular shit sorted out so they can cohabit quite comfortably.. and then you bring a 3rd into the mix. Someone you both know quite well.. particularly one of you. So far it's alright, and actually the person is less of a fucking pain than this person is somewhat wont to be.. and anyway it's just for the night.. yeah they say that but we know it's going to be longer, maybe 2 or 3.

Then 2 or 3 nights go by.. still there. Things start to change, the less of a fucking pain becomes more of a fucking pain until it is near to equaling the level said character is famous for. Keys leave for longer than intended, or hoped, leaving one stuck... someone is always there.. slurring their words more and more as the day goes by..

of course, when you're a weak kind of person who drinks too much anyway, but is even more inclined to drink if there's so much as someone who brings beer.. and once you have one you have another and a shot, and another, it's not great, with this particular kind of person.. ie one who brings beer, either.

*nurses headache*

I'd use this as an excuse as to why I haven't done half of, will any of the things I wanted to.. filming and stuff, because there's someone around, but instead I'll just explain how it's sort of a problem but I'm above giving blame although you can clearly see where the blame lies..

I could live with all of this, I could, and I can.. well I am.. but if I sit down right in the toilet bowl again in the middle of he night.. I might get just a tiny bit vexed with the whole situation.

And it continues.

The cold remains. And when I say cold, I mean unusual once in a.. I dunno, decade, century kind of cold.. at least stretches that go on for this long. I was hoping it'd be calmed down by now, but it's still below -10°C at the warmest part of day... on the warmest of these days, and by my next 3 hour tour, it plans to still be this cold.

I thought last winter sucked, there were many days like this, and nights like the one I'll have on Tuesday, but they were individual anomalies amongst a group of more normal days.. sorta... this is like.. too fucking much.

And it still hasn't snowed. Not properly anyway.

Now, let's see if this works.

Yeah.. I've been going on about this Jan thing well.. all month.. the thing is that January is supposed to be a crappy month full of crappy stuff and crappy weather which is at best just unbearably dull and considerably irritating... and yeah, it's been that..

the end of Jan is supposed to be.. the end of all that.. well it'll still be a bit cold at least but the rest, I'm hoping for a clean zapping of it in.. well, just over an hour now.

*waits*

It has returned.

I mean I knew it would, it returned before after the fixit dude came and fixed it, and the last time he did much the same thing, and besides.. demons never really leave...

Yeah, demon is back. So tomorrow finally a proper excor.. I mean plumber is coming. Now hopefully this time.. it will for once and for all be gotten rid of.

It's particularly impolite of it to always show up on the weekend, though.. damn demon. Methinks it's doing it on purpose.

Ok it's getting old.

This demon is pissing me off. Haven't showered since.. er, the other day and will only be able to get myself basically clean before setting off to work tonight, which will set off a whole new mess in the bath, leaving it all fucked up, or me with a whole lot more work to get it halfway manageable for when the plumber/exorcist comes this evening. I know it shouldn't matter, it's his job to wade through gunk, but still... don't want to let it go too bad.

It's always fucking something, if the water isn't running at all then we're locked out of the toilet or.. um, other stuff that happened at the other flat. It's getting old, tired, I can do without any dramas of this sort for a while. I mean how are people supposed to live like this? Well?

I hate to whine but.

Fuck!

Every little fucking thing has to be so fucking difficult! And yeah, it is little things. Well one thing is a big thing.. some ridiculous debt that some fucking company insists I owe which is a total mistake but they will not own it.. and who fucking knows what will come of it.. but whatever.. I'm here to talk about little things, insignificant things.. things that don't matter and it's a waste of breath and or finger strength to pay attention to..

Ok so I tried to get a monthly pass for public transport right? I stupidly thought I'd just go to the window where they sell them and get it but no.. she says.. o you can't get one if you don't already have one you have to get this bla bla bla for (much bigger price) and moved away from the window.. so I get her attention then.. and ask "so how do I get a new open card?" so she says oh up there you can get the form and vaguely points and gives me a little piece of paper. The little piece of paper has a street which I don't know although I know this area very well.. and some instructions.. so I walk up, and left.. and then.. well.. I walk across the crosswalk.. go around and sure enough no such street exists n the area..

well.. I was sorta on the way to work but I had plenty of time so I walk in that general direction and go to another metro station. I wait for other people in the line, the last one taking ages because she's getting her card recharged.. and then I look at my phone and I stress out because I think that I like.. need to be at the office now! So I run out, up out of the metro.. first I quickly get a ticket and go to jump on the tram but I'm on the wrong side and I say fuck it.. and just run. Then I look at the phone again and realize I have an hour.

Feeling sheepish, I go back into the metro. Fortunately there's no one there, and I ask the woman if I can get a new monthly card.. and she says they don't do it there and names the 3 metros which do it. Thank you.. at least she told me.. now why the first woman couldn't tell me that.. I don't know.

So I go to Mustek.. I go into the metro and don't see any window for such a thing. So I go to the other entrance and walk up to the ticket window.. wait for another person.. and ask.. she says.. oh we don't do it here you have to do it at Mustek B... so I ask.. um, how do I get there.. and she says go through into the metro to the B line. Oh.. well fuck. Now they expect you to buy a ticket to get into the metro to buy a monthly pass? Fuck em.. didn't have time anyway had to go to work.

See what I mean? Buying a fucking ticket so I can be a responsible paying citizen.. fuck em fuck em. Well at least the tour went ok.. nice people, only 2 and it was actually kind of fun.

Then I got home and the internet totally wouldn't work. Still doesn't. Life is so fucking hard.

The things we get.. the things we are.. er.. things.

Jeez.. the things we get ourselves into by being associated with certain people and the things we are involved in with said people that we never had any idea would cause all of these problems and by the time they did we were in too deep and now we've just got to fucking deal with it even though it's not my fault and it's not fucking fair!

grrrr...

ok.. to be honest, I am at fault, in very small, miniscule, tiny ways. Ok more than that but the bullshit I have to deal with is disproproportionate, imho. I just don't know what to do. I could ignore it but that's not going to help things and will probably just make it all worse.

*goes ahead and ignores it*

oh for goodness sake!

got all this official important stuff to do.. renewal of important docs.. a passport in fact. It's annoying at the best of times and well. this isn't the best of times. I'd grumble excessively and exaggerate wildly and say that it's a complete catastrophe but it's probably a situation that's averagely difficult given the territory.. I mean, it's happening to me and it's happening now so it seems like everything is going wrong and holding things up and being so much more difficult than it has to be.. but.. ok yeah. Well ok.. it's not going completely smoothly.. I mean, the fucking photos.. they have so many fucking specifications and the first bunch I did were wrong.. I got more, was more careful about it and these ones.. don't know if they're right.. of course these offices are open only 2 hours on a Tuesday so.. alright they're open most day a week but of course I need to wait til tomorrow to go back again.

So of course I had to go and drink excessively.. I mean it wasn't my fault.. I had to meet iwht someone and I had to have some drinks with him, and then another friend cane and we had to have more drinks.. and then we went somewhere else and I felt like continuing so I had to have more drinks.. and then I had work so I.. stopped.. of course... well before I was anything nearing drunk.. obvs..

*burps*

I didn't do that.

Oh.. humbug!

It really doesn't feel a lot like christmas right now... I mean.. it didn't earlier anyway. Let's just say it hasn't been the best Monday.. and you know Mondays.. well, this has been a particularly crappy one.

But I sorta lie.. it's evening.. we have a coat of fresh snow outside and Erik's on his way back so...

oh who cares..

What was that I was whining about again?

Oh yeah, getting older, getting old, getting even further away from an age where I can pretend I'm young enough to be young and stupid, and carefree and all the things we like about being "young".

I was going to stop but... I haven't had a great time of it since this last milestone.. actually, ever since the Sunday before the milestone, aka the day after the night that I actually celebrated said milestone, it being a Saturday at all.. I mean, I have a couple of drinks which by now I've mentioned more than once was a quite respectable night of not total debauchery, was all fucked with a hangover all the next day, felt almost fine the next morning except for what seemed like a tickle in my throat which may or may not have been the start of a cold/flu.. go outside, which in all fairness was very cold and contained a lot of snow, for about 5 minutes.. and then later on come down with the very cold/flu I'd been dreading.

Today I woke up all stuffy and frogthroated, and on top of that I've been getting these sharp pains in my back. What the fuck is wrong with me? I get that it's normal to get colds when it's like, really cold but this is really fucking tedious.

Ideally, I wouldn't have any of this, but second ideally I'd have a bunch of drugs here with me to deal with it.. I'm talking aspirin and cold remedies people.. don't get carried away, and nowhere to go, I'd just laze around, watching movies and feeling high.. but no, not only do I not have anything, not even a single aspirin, but I've got like.. stuff to do.. tonight I have to meet with this director person, tomorrow night I have class, the last one of the term so I really should go even though I still need to think of a fucking activity to do.. and Thursday I'm filming, all day, outside, on some hill somewhere.

I might have mentioned all this already.

If there actually is a difference between "now" and "whenever"..

You might have noticed I've been feeling down lately. Or at least expressing myself on the blog in way which would lead one to believe that if in fact, the me that I present here, is based at least somewhat on the real me, that I am, in fact, feeling a bit down.

Then again, I believe I present myself somewhat as a negative person, in general. Whether it's more pronounced at the proverbial moment, I know not.. really.

There are reasons as I've mentioned though not explained, and yes, those reasons are valid. Then again, there are always reasons, usually some variations of the same ones... and really, right now, the real life concrete stuff that worries me.. the same old shit, not worse than usual.. so why am I so bloody mopey all the time?

yes yes yes, I'm so bloody mopey all the time all the time, but if we just go with the theme that I'm more mopey all the time than usual at the mo then well.. why?

I blame darkness, and rain. These are things I kinda like really. Well not really rain, I'm sorta neutral to negative on it in the way that most people who don't have crops are, but darkness, night, sundown all that, they're kinda cool. The thing is they're cool in their place, at actual night, when you come out of the pub or are strolling the streets being cool. In the afternoon, it's a different matter, when you're setting out to go somewhere, and it also happens to be raining. It kinda sucks, and to be honest, it kinda gets me down.

That's what I think anyway.

I can't be dealing with this..

Seriously that's the best catchphrase ever. It's such a versatile line.. can be used in "literally" a million instances.. especially if you're me.

Yes.. I can't, seriously, majorly, humungously can't be dealing with it. It being.. almost everything. Boring mundane money stuff, work stuff that isn't about the money part of it. Personal stuff as in dealings with people in my life, one of which is related to the non money related work stuff but I'll count it twice just the same. Personal stuff dealing with my inner self and the anguish of my being and all self indulgent crap. Stuff to do with.. I suppose, ambition, the acting stuff, my class, the stuff I do there, money...

and just life in general. I don't know if it's a Monday thing, this day of the week does tend to affect people in a negative manner, but I remember feeling this particularly strongly a week ago as well, not that it's never completely not there, or is that never not completely not there.. I dunno, too many negatives to plough through, but I reckon you get what I mean, as much as anyone can get what I mean who isn't me and even me sometimes.

*sighs*

I just.. can't.. be..

It just goes to show..

What I was feeling yesterday, was nothing less than the truth. The me of Meisner in my class was exactly the me that I thought long and hard about yesterday. I did it, I was affected by my mood which needless to say was bad, and I was feeling slightly ill as well.. that came out, but mostly I was just repressed, buttoned up, tightly wound, holding back, uptight and all manner of other uncomplimentary things which fit me perfectly.

It's just so hard! And by it I mean everything.. the meisner stuff, work stuff, life!

*pouts and stuff*

The bla bla blahs...

I'm feeling a bit mopey at the moment. I have a case of those things the blahs.. you know when you're feeling down for no particular reason, and when you stop to think about it you wonder why you're feeling like that you can't figure out why but you nevertheless continue to feel that way. I mean, feeling physically not great can contribute.. and I've been feeling.. not sick exactly, but not well, and as if I'm about to get sick, this does not please me.

And well.. there is stuff, practical stuff, personal stuff, crappy stuff that's always there that I try to avoid thinking of which lingers around in the background some of the time and is thrust to the forefront without my consent at times which explain this feeling in themselves but I feel there's something outside of it.. something that's.. blah.

This stuff going on can certainly contribute, and one thing at the moment bothering me, which was triggered by one of the aforementioined crummy things is the realization that I'm me, and I always will be and sometimes, I just can't escape thinking about it.. that certain things about me which I kinda know but haven't focused on so much are so true and so real, and these are things that get in the way of me moving forward, with life, with all this acting stuff.. and although I hate that about myself I don't want to change it, I just don't want to and won't do it, because changing it would involve doing stuff that I really don't want to do... and I really don't want to do it.

And being half an hour in a crowded post office waiting for what I hoped was a long lost package, and instead picking up something huge and bulky that was a return.. doesn't help at all. And now I have to go to class. Why do I never seem to be in the mood for it?

*crosses off item on list*

I made someone cry yesterday, and I didn't even care.

Really I didn't, not very much, not as much as I have. I was affected somewhat by being called a monster, and having someone who appears to be a sweet person afraid of me.. but mostly confusion on how I could have that affect, perhaps a little upset about it but..

Ok so it wasn't a real life situation, not really, it was class, the Meisner thing, the thing I do that I'm having so much trouble with. Last night's class was going well, for a bit.. I thought I was getting into it more than I have so far this time round.. and despite the negative mood during the exercise, which did affect me, a little bit, I was also kind of pleased that I was generating this kind of response, and responding.. which means I was thinking, and focusing on myself which you're not supposed to do but we're talking about me here.. and what happened was progress, I think.. I thought, at least a tiny little bit.

After the monster thing.. which came before the crying thing (slightly in my defense) I was thinking (there I go again) that I should be really upset about this.. and feel more caring towards this innocent young girl who really was upset at me just saying this shit.. but I didn't, I was just in the exercise and I just didn't care.. that much. I felt I should care more, but I wasn't going to fake it, there would be no point. I thought if I at least honestly portrayed how I felt. ie er sorry but I seriously truly am not really affected by this.. it would be at least something..

Like I said.. tiny tiny progress for someone who really doesn't get this shit.. not a huge thing, but I felt slightly good about it due to that. Then I got the talk.. and it was the same old thing.. I'm holding back, and apparently during the few parts I genuinely felt something and expressed it I was pushing it. Something like that. Meanwhile I made her cry.. she cared enough, in the middle of standing in class looking at someone and saying stuff to do that, for real. And other people have had similarly genuine experiences too.. of course it's hard for everyone, but being able to really care in the middle of it.. is well.. it's the whole point, you can't do that, you're fucked. Pretty much.

And yeah.. I know, not everyone gets it the same way, not everyone progresses at the same level, and has different obstacles to overcome but.. I DID THIS SHIT FOR A YEAR ALREADY! For a fucking year. And I've been going to classes for 2 weeks now.. you think it would have awoken something that was already there amongst everything I did but no, nothing, people who've done this like 5 times are already well ahead of me.

I think I mentioned all this before.. oh well.

Doom and gloom.. go together like..

something not at all pleasant, and something else, that isn't pleasant at all.

It's just raining and raining.. and raining and raining and raining. Well it stopped a while ago but it was raining a real lot... perhaps it's started again.

I have class tonight.. I'm already kind of over it, even though it's only the 3rd one.. I mean my 3rd.. it's already like the 5th one but that's kind of neither here nor there.. but it's just so.. hard.. well for me.. I mean I think it's hard but this shit.. this shit, and I may have mentioned this before, just isn't me. I dunno.. I always have this feeling of dread before the day comes the class is on, and as it approaches evening, and as I'm ready to go out, and as I'm sitting in class waiting my turn.. it's just.. grrr..

So I already feel enough like not budging.. and well.. the rain.. you know.

*sighs*

Oh FFS! Who do you have to service lewdly to get a decent shower around here!?!!

I may have mentioned that I've had a lot of trouble with hot water heaters over the years. I probably brought up, once or twice, that I've had a fair bit o' strife over the last 2 years and 3 months I've been living in my present location with one particular water heater. I stress that it's one particular heater because in this case, it should be a different one by now despite the unvarying location.

It's just shit. Ever since moving in here it's sucked. It used to just make the hot water go off every couple of minute so you have to stop the water and start it again and wait for it to heat up. We just shrugged and accepted it until it started acting all wiggy, not heating up at all, exploding all over our kitchen, spewing dirty water everywhere.. and we got someone to come in and fix it. I told him of the original problem, as well as the pressing one, expecting that to be fixed as well. When he was done he said it was fixed. I asked if it would stop cutting out like that and he said.. well no, but when it does you'll see this red button and it'll heat up again. Thanks. That really helps when I'M IN THE FUCKING SHOWER AND HAVE TO COME OUT TO THE KITCHEN AFTER I JUST COVERED MY HEAD WITH SHAMPOO AND CRAP, but that was it.. and after that, it stayed on for longer, but when it stopped, it didn't just come back, you had to press the red button.. which is in the kitchen and it never came on right away, you had to wait and try a couple of times. Generally it was long enough to have a relatively brisk shower, so we lived with it.

It did the exploding thing again at some point, and went back between being on for a few minutes and going out with option to turn water on again and heat.. and staying on for a bit longer but without the option to come just back on. We got used to it. It fucked up again, made horrible growling noises, stopped working sometimes.. exploded over our dishes a few more times.

Earlier this year it fucked up again, worse than usual.. another thing still.. it wouldn't come on sometimes.. no reason, no idea why or when, it just wouldn't, and then later it would. Then it started turning the heater on every time the hot water came on, and as this was almost a month ago.. actually in the summer, which was kinda fucking hot, we considered it a negative. We managed like this for a while and finally emailed them about it.

A couple of weeks later I got a phone call that the dude was coming, like today. By then this latest problem had mostly subsided and we were getting the water going out quickly, and heater coming on thing still.. or something. So he fixed it. Or should I say "fixed" it. Not his fault, he did what he could, and told me the thing was old and fucked up, and the owners just don't want to pay for a new one, but it was fixed.. oh but the heater will come on every time the hot water does.

So that was it. Turned out, apart from the heater coming on every time the water did, and the water pressure being really low, and the water not heating up as much as it would, all was fine. I mean, it didn't cut out anymore. We thought.. what the fuck, it'll do.

The last few days there's been no change in the water pressure, but the water seems to be cooler. Just a few weeks ago it would heat up sometimes to a really nice shower heat but now it seems to exclusively fall between barely lukewarm ie cold if you try to stand under it, to only just tolerable for a shower.. certainly not a comfortable shower.. and definitely not an enjoyable one. It moves between these temperatures completely randomly, we tried doing different things like turning the heater on or off, or filling up the water tank but it makes no difference, it's warm, ie a temperature it's possible but not exactly comfortable to shower in, when and if it wants to be. The local weather gods seem to have decided that September/summer/over it's particularly trying.

And that's it for my tale of water woes. I went into more detail than I expected. Sorry for boring you :Z

It's the sort of day when it's good to be me..

I'm feeling shitty. Crappy, crummy in fact. It started with the beginnings of a sore throat on Friday and kept on all through the weekend, with added sniffles, some sneezing, some dizzy headcoldy feelings. It sucked. Well it still sucks, I wasn't much better today, at least not in the morning.

Now, this is the sort of thing that sucks no matter what, feeling sick is shitty, and I'm not the sort of person who's stoic in the face of it, I let it get to me as much as anyone can... all I do is grumble about it and don't want to do anything. So yeah, it was going to be shit no matter what. The good part about being me is that I, to be perfectly honest, don't do a whole lot. And I mostly "work" from home, and have some control over the hours I keep so usually, if I'm feeling awful on Monday morning.. I can just slob around home and work on whining and getting better.

But no. Today of all fucking days in my boring pointless life I had stuff to do. Stuff! Like, go out of the house looking professional and navigating the currently largely diverted Prague tram system on a windy and cold (for August) day. I even had a fucking profile photo shot.. while looking red faced and puffy. And I had to go to a bank.

You see, even when it works out to be me it turns out that everything sucks anyway. Told you I had it hard, but you didn't believe me.

And I was doing so well!

Fuck! Just when everything was going so smoothly and nicely. Well.. relatively, I mean it totally sucks and then some on top of that but that's my cross to bear and I've been so stoic about it recently.. I think you could say I've bearing it with grace. So hear I am.. coasting along with things being only a little bit below average.. for me.. ie totally fucked up sucking by normal standards.. I watch a nice ep of one of the better calibre of modern television programs on at the moment.. go to get back online and..

well.. you can guess what happened. I didn't get online. This happens often for a little while.. but it stayed not working for hours. Well an hour and a half and I went to bed.

So anyway this morning it still didn't work and continued not working and anyone who knows me, or reads this blog thing like ever knows this is a big deal for me. A big bad deal. So fuck. On top of that I was forced to come down to this local pub to get their wifi.

I told you it was hard being me.

The word "glum" comes to mind.

I've been having a serious case of the blahs recently. You know when you're just feeling... bla.. and you just can't figure out why.. there's no reason, everything is just... blah. A combination of worries, irritating people, the pointlessness of modern life getting to you, that sort of thing. Oh and feeling like life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything that I want to be doing moving towards much desired goals bla bla bla.. blah.. nevermind what I "should" be doing.. that's not happening much or in an ideal way either.. meaning I've got not money and that doesn't help.

I suppose I do have some very definite clear cut reasons why I'm feeling like this. Not to mention the not so clear cut but.. "grumble, whine" what's the point sort of non contemplating. It's not a good combination of stuff.

I'm not sure that made any sense, but does life ever make sense? Does anything ever make sense? Is there such a thing as sense? It's a word in the dictionary but what does it REALLY MEAN?

Well, there are 18 different definitions so I won't post it all here.. but yeah, it does mean stuff. *feels a bit sheepish*

Still.. makes you think doesn't it?

I think I want to drink some more.