A Time For Reflecting.

The new year is almost upon us and what does one make of it? who knows, for me this year has been strange, even different. A big change right at the beginning, being rather unceremoniously thrown out of my life, I mean sorta, I mean it wasn't even that bad but that's kinda what happened. A few months living in between um, stuff, getting used to being a working person, and going through the shock and the pain though there really wan't much just all this strangeness of everything new and not knowing how it would end up so it basically involved a lot of drinking. And stuff. A few moves through some transitory stages until setting, sorta, into a more permanent place both physically and um.. other ways.. though the place still physically looks simultaneously as if I'm just passing through and very very lived in if you know what I mean, it's become home for the foreseeable future, and other parts of my life, work and relationship seem to be the way it will be for said foreseeable time coming up so yeah, settled. Again, just sorta. Some sucked about the year but some was alright. Overall I think it was good, if just because it broke up a pattern and changed things, even made me get out and have a bit of a life, for a while, before I settled back in to my old ways. Next year will probably be much the same. Or different, who knows. I do plan to do things, for example, all those things I've always been planning to do but never did. I plan to stop engaging in several bad habits that I have, and finally become like, this totally different person who's great at stuff and adored and rich. Things like that. I also, well don't exactly plan but definitely expect none of these things to come to pass, certainly no more than for a day, maybe two. So you know the usual. Looking back, making resolutions. Going out and getting drunk, maybe seeing fireworks. See you next year.

Another year over..

and a new one just begun... grrr.. no now I'll have it in my head forever. So this is xmas, and the end of the year. Pretty much achieved the same as I have every other year which is an amount very close to if not entirely similar to um.. bugger all. *sighs* If I either cared enough to do something about it or didn't care about it at all life would be so much easier. I think it's time for a drink, no, to go though that script I need to know by tomorrow and maybe learn it.. not, for a drink. Later.

The Meaning Of It All.

Why oh why oh why did I ever start this. Out of all the things I over the years could have made a consistent effort of getting done, it has to be this thing, and by thing I mean a loose collection of semi related activities, they can be grouped as a thing, somehow. Completely useless the thing, of course, it doesn't pay, doesn't help the world, it's just wasting time on the internet. I've been slack about even that, lately, but no matter how lazy I get the milestones always get me, anniversaries.. birthdays. Now I have the pressure on, the year I've turned is the exact number that Douglas Adams chose at random to represent high minded meaningful meaningfulness in a humorous and ridiculous way and I feel obligated to say something witty and like, relevant and stuff about it. Well I can't think of anything so I'm not going to bother.

Been a quiet month..

well, I've been quiet here, this city has been quiet relative to recent months and most likely next month. The world hasn't been quiet but the world never really is, some things just get out attention more. It's decided it's winter here after a mild and almost warm late-ish autumn. It's a bit of a shock really, not sure I like it, but that's the way the seasons go, it's hot it's cold and in between it's usually overcast and drizzly and forgettable. Thus is life.

Something visual.

Just to say I'm still around. Sorta.

I did it!

I finished something. This is a thing that I started months ago that should have been finished months ago. I just finally for the most part finished it. Now I can put my full force into avoiding the other things that are still hanging over me and trust me, it's a huge relief to be able to concentrate on those things now. Really, it does kinda help, in a small way.

I guess it's a kind of achievement.

The number of things I manage to successfully avoid doing grows every day. Ok perhaps that's at tiny exaggeration. There's a bunch of things, some big some small, the big things are well.. 2 things that I've managed to completely or mostly avoid doing for a few months now, and there's the other stuff that comes and goes, you know, cleaning, putting on pants that sort of thing, that I consistently am able to not do. Today was going to be my big "get stuff done" day. I mean every day that I don't have to work or don 't have to work until the afternoon is that, but it still counts. So far I've achieved.. *thinks about it*.. nothing. But I have excuses, one, I had someone in my room all morning, that is the part of the early afternoon after which I was already awake, in here yammering on about stuff and I wasn't able to concentrate. two, there's no water, they turned the water off in the building for half the day and that's just kind of annoying, can't shower, can't have a second coffee etc... and three and I stress this is the most important one, I don't feel like it. Oh and it's overcast and gloomy outside, and probably quite cold so getting out there to do something just doesn't appeal to me. And so here I am. Hey.. I just blogged. that's kind of something. *feels satisfied with self and doesn't do anything else for a week*

I appear to be absent.

It seems as though I'm not really around anymore. I could be wrong but I get that feeling. I'm not sure why, well I know why, it's because this is a place where one is expected to have "an idea" and form a somewhat coherent and at least minimally interesting way of presenting it, and one, well, one just can't keep up with that. I suspect I'm correct and if I were to ask myself and I were to give an honest answer, I would agree. So, mystery solved then. Carry on.

It could be worse.

It really could be. It could be thousands of times worse, millions even supposing it's possible to calculate it somehow. Let's just say it could be really really really worse. Almost everyone in the history of the world has had it sumfkins of times worse than I do. I just made up that word, sumpfkins, it means a number that could or could not be larger than.. well, let's just say, a lot. Anyway, point is, relatively speaking compared to people who have it particularly bad, and actually most people in the world who are quite poor and have it hard compared to anyone sitting in a flat on their computer on the internet and certainly most people throughout history (see earlier point about sumpfkins) I don't have it all that bad. Yeah, stuff sucks, and there are people who have it tons better than me, even sumpfkins, but really, my life. A piece of piss really. It doesn't really help all that much though. All it means is that this makes me a big fucking whiner who can't take a little difficulty compared to all those strong, hard working, brave people out there, and also, that it could be a whole lot fucking worse. And the stuff that sucks still sucks. It really really really sucks. Ok it really really sucks, maybe just really, but it definitely sucks.

Apologies for the last post..

or whatever that was. I promise I will never do it again. Never, ever, ever. And I don't have my fingers crossed behind my back as I'm typing this, honest. It just came out.. I was doing this responsible type sort of management job for my company because they were short staffed and I had to fill in even though it's not my job and it's the sort where you have to be responsible and stuff, and work, and get things done and fill things in and all that, and it sucks. And I was shit at it. I'd like to blame the boss because I wasn't really prepared properly and I will, it's her fault. I'm also useless at this but the manager should have been able to tell that. Anyway, that's all.

so yeah...

when you get someone to do something, even if you're absolutely desperate and there's literally no one to do it and they have to even though they're not experienced at it, not terribly good at this sort of thing and very busy doing other stuff at the very same time ie the stuff they usually do which they're kind of good at in some ways but not the ways that are similar to the other thing you want them to do almost simultaneously as that thing and you don't have much time to explain it all to them let alone give them proper training for it you should at least send that email with the passwords they need before they go to the office the next day, oh and mention all the stuff, that stuff you need from the emails they need to access with that password, and maybe make a list of the stuff that needs to be done that you went through once the day before except for that one thing you need access to the emails they don't have the password for anyway and send that list, written like. Oh and let them know that the landlady is going to be showing up the next day to do cleaning and shut you out half the day. And preferably get her to do it another day. Among other thing. I'm tired.

I feel doomed.

Kind of. A little bit doomed. I have actual reasons for it but they aren't anything different than what I usually have to deal with. Fortunately I have my tried and trusted way of dealing with it all by not dealing with it, for the most part. I'm able to ignore the existence of the actual thing that may, well almost certainly will be a large-ish problem most of the time. The other stuff, the stuff that just kind of annoys me I can't keep out of my head as much. It's kind of annoying. It's got dreary again and I have to go to work in a bit. That annoys me.

A leaf falls..

a darkness falls over the earth (ok in this particular time zone and hemisphere anyway, but just bear with me) and the cold bites like, something with teeth, sharp enough to bite. Yes, it's Autumn. In the northern hemisphere anyway at least in those areas that have seasons and where autumn begins about as early as this. The year is showing a wrinkle on it's brow and starting to think about it's latter days. Seriously any minute now the xmas shit is going to show up, won't be long. So it's already September, the late part of this year anno domino or however you say it 2000 and fifteen and again what the hell have I done all year? A fair bit, in some ways. A lot has changed and I've moved my life pretty far I'm not sure if I'd call it forward but to another place. I haven't done much of what I want to do, and what I've wanted to do for years, yet again, but I have done, um, stuff. Some stuff, not great stuff but some. But I talk too soon. It's only September. I still have all of autumn to crunch on the leaves that will be falling abundantly any minute now, and to walk around in the beautiful orange of autumn, and snap a bunch of shots some of which won't be all that bad, like I always do. And do more stuff. I can still do something this year and not just the somethings that I've done that is quite different to the years past, at least the recent ones, but the stuff I never do, or seldom do or don't do in enough quality and quantity. I can still do it. Most importantly, there is still time, I mean it's pushing it a bit but there's still time for the hoverboards to show up.

It's that time of year..

where people who depend entirely on the summer busy season for their livelihood will have to find something else to do in the not summer and subsequently not as busy season in order to earn something that can realistically be considered a livelihood. I'm one of those people.

I'm still here.

If by "here" you mean merely existing, being something that is here, and is technically alive. More than that, I can't promise. I do exist, but the existence is nothing special. I am a person, but I'm not a particularly er, persony one. I'm not doing anything. I literally spend all of my time doing a job that is increasingly annoying to me and any preparations for doing said job, and distracting my self with various cheap, indeed free thanks to our modern multimedia world, entertainments. And shopping for basic stuff, and that's it. And sleeping. Occasionally drinking beer, usually home because I rarely ever go to bars to waste time anymore. I'm not all that sure I exist sometimes. I mean, why would I bother, really?

Dammit weather gods!

You know how when it's really really hot like 35 degrees plus every single day or whatever equivalent it takes for you to start whining and I mean constantly about how hot it is and you just at that particular time when there's a heat wave you are required to go out in it for long periods every day, like way more than you usually do in more temperate weather and it starts weakening you, literally making you weaker, and dumber so that you forget um.. words and stuff, and it keeps seeming like it's going to storm any minute and you just can't wait and the forecast says it's going to rain and get cooler but it doesn't, it just doesn't, repeatedly and there you are just out in it getting sun burnt and sun struck and then finally, it storms. And then it keeps raining and at first you're out in it and you're like oh this is wonderful, so refreshing I love this, I don't understand why I ever complained about the rain, ad then it keeps raining, and raining, and continues to rain. And then you're over it. Well I'm over it now.

Well..

It's been hot here. You might have experienced something similar to what I have been experiencing if you live anywhere relatively near me, if we're talking a world wide scale. Fucking hot. Oh, and it's the week I've had to work more than usual, you know, work, which for me means walking around outside taking groups which range from kinda small to huge to places which rarely have shade and are not often very near drinkable water to tell them in an informative and entertaining way facts about those places and the buildings and monuments in them along with history and stories related to them. Two of those a day, in fact. Now it's cooled down. I am happy about that.

Finding Strength.

I've just discovered a new gimmick for myself, one that I already know which will have no positive consequences. Something I'm doing this very evening in fact, entirely because I can't be bothered to do something. This thing is no big deal really, nothing too arduous, nothing that takes too long, but that takes the tiniest bit of effort. I have decided I'm not doing it. I tell myself I'm choosing to not do it because I want to do better things, get to work on moving up from this status finally, after telling myself this for years, and that I will spend the time doing something that is productive. The second one is definitely not true. I'm not doing anything productive at least not the thing I told myself I would do if I didn't do the other thing. The first one remains to be seen, but either way it's something I can do whether I did this tonight or not and something I should have done ages ago. The likelihood that I will make strides to do this in a major way any time soon is negligible, nay, almost entirely unlikely. I could convince myself that my motives are noble, but I'm pretty good at seeing through bullshit, there's no point in bothering.

A picture of a peacock

that's what this is

Ho hum.

So turns out it's clear I don't actually like my job or work in general at all, not that that was ever a possibility. I wish I had more to write but I can't be bothered to delve into the depth of whatsit to come up with something, so I'm juts babbling on. I had a problem with the computer for 2 days but I seem to have fixed it by one of the may things I did that seemed like a remedy or it just got over whatever it was that was causing it, seems just fine now. At least, as fine as it was. I suppose I should rummage through the attic to find something.. maybe I will.

Could it be?

I'm starting to really not like not having anything to do. I don't mean in a "I'm bored" whine that you do all the time when you're a kid or adolescent or young adult or still considerably older person than that if you're that kind of person which I am, and it is something I do, but I mean more like a.. I actually think I prefer days that I have to work. Now I'm not saying I like work, or my job. I still hate having to go in, still get nervous about doing it, and bitch to myself quietly while half heartedly trying to plaster a smile over my face while I'm waiting for people. I do sometimes actually enjoy it all, or at least not mind it so much while I'm doing it, but that has been the case all along, I don't like it more or less than I ever have, but this particular thing, is something else. It definitely has to do with a lack of motivation. I don't seem to get anything done on days off. Things I need to do, practical things I feel I should be doing to improve things and stuff I would really like to be the sort of person who engages in, you know, like music and stuff. I never get that shit done. There's more though. I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't just not get around to doing what I should do, I never seem to do what I really want to do either. now, sometimes, it's convenience or cost that is the problem, and that could be the case, but I just don't know. The biggest deal is that I just don't know what I really want. Small things yes.. to be on the computer reading, replying, watching things, reading about the things I watched, getting a snack. I like those things and I usually manage to do some of those things, but the bigger stuff. That's my problem. What is this all for? Why am I even here, where am I going? Do I even like it here and is there something to look forward to? I could work on that thing, but what the fuck is it? There really isn't a point is there? I should just work on being at peace with that and maybe I'll be ok. For the moment, snacks and tv are just going to have to do.

I stop and think sometimes.

I do. When I do I'm usually somewhat surprised at things. Not surprised so much as amazed, startled or taken aback. No, those are just the thesaurus entries. Definitely not inattentive, struck, or blutterbunged. Nor anoetic whatever that means. Maybe anoetic, I don't really know what it means so maybe that's it. What it is is a feeling that I don't really belong in my life. Like it's not really what is happening. No, that's not it either. I look at where I am and I ask "what are you doing here?" And the answer is, not much really. How did I get here is a more relevant question. I know the answer, again, not much, I just got here. I usually don't stop to think about it. Even though my life is not necessarily all that eventful and not at all exciting, I still have enough distractions around that I don't stop and philosophize all that much so these thoughts never get too deep, hence the lack of being able to define it all. I'm not sure I really want to delve deeper, I'm reasonably content with how things are and what the near future is likely to bring if I don't think about it much, and though the realistic outlook is not a particularly bad one, or at all a bad one, I still prefer to keep it all fuzzy. I'm used to fuzziness, it helps me get through it all. Now there's a word, fuzzy. Easy to say, sounds funny and did not take me more than half a second to come up with the perfect word.

So I guess it's summer then..

There are places to live that work with summer, or rather, quite hot to really hot weather, or at least are more suited to the weather that is described by most to be "too hot"... this is not one of them. Having no sea, and fewer swimming options than many city/countries/areas and a not short (at least when it's 30+ degrees) walk to the nearest cool-ish area, let alone place where one can get in water, is more than typically unsuited to this sort of weather ie the weather we are experiencing now. oh and.. tour guiding.. in this weather? Not exactly a whole lot of fun. *fans self and stuff*

This is a dog..

really, it is.

What do you know, it works!

This whole ignoring stuff I just want to go away seems to be working out for me. I've managed to keep something back there wherever it is for about 2 weeks now, and nary a moment a day do I briefly worry about it. Of course, new shit keeps coming up and I unfortunately am forced to be privy to and that does vex me, at least at first I have a rather poor reaction to things, but, in time, if I'm lucky I'm able to vanish the thought, and continue on in my not great, not even really good but ok in some ways way, without too much crap at the forefront. I think I'll continue doing this. It would be nice for something actually actively good to happen as well.. still waiting for one of those. That's really all.

Why hello!

I was sort of intending on making this a regular thing, you know, the updating of the blog, even of trying to post every day per a suggestion I had, but I forgot. Sorry. I haven't even been working that much this week, that one week of getting up off my ass and trudging around day after day hard at work in a semi-regular manner was an anomaly. I just forgot, and then I couldn't be bothered. So here I am, updating. Been ok I guess. Well it's kind of sucked but I've decided to ignore for the most part the thing that showed up that made things go from not too bad just lacking in anything particularly positive to actively sucking, for the most part. At some point I'm going to have to face it and find out that despite everyone's insistence that it's not that big a deal and I have ways of dealing with it and this one person had something similar and they went to this place and said this and that and it was ok, I will have to deal with the worst case scenario that this situation can bring, and that will suck, heavily. Until then I plan to choose to believe that it doesn't exist, or at least behave as if it doesn't and just have that foreboding feeling at the back of my head, squished firmly back there where it belongs. It's almost midsummer, which is nice, but it is kind of overcast and potentially rainy, which slightly spoils it.

*feels all hardcore and stuff*

I've just done like, 6 days in a row, and 2 of them sick! *feels all proud and stuff* *coughs* Best thing about it, apart from the actual being sick bit, is now I have some days off.. ooh luxury. Of course, I need to spend the majority of the time learning a new script that I need under my proverbial belt by Friday, which I won't, but I have to, but still, after getting 2 large groups the last 2 days, exactly when I was feeling light headed and woozy and really didn't need that, it'll be good to not have to leave the house and engage with real live people for a while. Now that's luxury. Maybe I'm in the wrong profession :/

Like I said..

I've been busy. I feel like I've been working long hours every day in a row for weeks and weeks. In reality, I'm on my 5th day in a row today, and I do usually 3/4 hours, or 7/8 every couple of days, which I know is not that impressive, indeed lazy hours for normal people, but in my defense, it has been very hot, and my job takes me outdoors, in the baking sun, up hills and round bends and.. actually there's not too much climbing hills either. Ok so I'm a lightweight, but I have been busy working every day and so, not much time to check in. At least not after the beers I generally have until late at night after work most days, so that's my excuse. It hasn't been so bad though, despite the heat, and the doing work part of it, it's been kind of fun really although I've come to the point where I need at least a brief rest from telling the same shit about the same stuff yet again for the nth time, n being 5, if you're talking days in a row. One more day and then, well I don't know, next week is a mystery. If people return and get over weird mysterious illnesses, I might go back to being someone more similar to myself, ie a lazy person who only works a few days. I'm kind of looking forward to that. And the rain, I really would like it to rain.

I might actually be working this season.

It's not that I've never worked before. It's not that I haven't ever worked hard, or done a good job, or done many hours, either in one go or many shifts or.. actually the last 2 are rare. If they happen it doesn't last long. This time I might actually have something resembling a full time job, if only for the summer months. I really shouldn't be saying this because every time I begin to feel confident or think I might be kind of good at something, that's when it all falls apart, so I'll just say "might". Probably not. In fact, almost certainly not what am I talking about? I was talking about something? Are you sure because I don't remember saying anything. I must have been imagining it. Well anyway, hope you're having a nice evening.

Nothing to write home about.

So much has happened, though nothing is really going on. A lot has changed, numerous times in a brief time period, but there's really not much to say, or at least, I don't know just how to say it. What can I say? I moved, I moved again, and moved again, 2 of those moves were to my own place, one was a "crashing" situation. It's already ages ago now, I've longer moved on from those days. there have been people, from people I didn't know before and got to know quite rapidly, to people I've known for years, on and off, quite well to not very much at all which have been part of these past months, some which are still, with similar to very different situations occurring with said people. I've been in the same job for 3 whole months or maybe longer, it seems to be going well though I have a habit of screwing up these situations in an entirely unspectacular manner despite trying my little heart out to be a good worker and so on, that I'm not completely confident with the whole thing.. yet, or maybe not ever, assuming I last much longer which I'm not assuming at all. Having settled in to what is now my own place, for more than temporary, with internet and everything, I've in some ways settled in to my old way of doing things, that is, not doing much at all, and in fact not really having friends, or much of a life. Perhaps that's deep down how I want it and I should stop pretending that I'm more interesting than the kind of person who's like that. It sure would make life easier, but can I be that honest with myself? Should I be, or should I strive for something more? I don't expect answers to those questions, I'm guessing they're rhetorical. That, for the moment is all. Things may change.

The setup

So, here I am. I don't know where to start really. I think I have something permanent, if I choose to and let's face it when it comes down to it I'm quite boring, I want to just settle and have everything be comfortable. One day it will be. Not that it isn't comfortable now but it's not all that comfortable if you know what I mean. Ok it's ok, it's just a mess, a huge mess. I have no furniture or I have not much furniture or I don't have the specific right kinds of furniture and that's my excuse if I had that I wouldn't be living in a mess oh no.. a mess.. not me? Ok so I would, and I will be, even when that day comes when I have all the very most basic things I need to have a real room, because that's who I am, and who I shall continue to be, whatever else happens along the way. It's been ok. It might be alright, possibly even good. Who knows.

Service will be resuming shortly.

I haven't been around much lately, even less than the haven't been around in general for the last year or 3 years or so. Mostly because of stuff. Actually it's entirely because of stuff, but now I'm back, online that is, and I almost have a computer table so soon I will be writing regularly again, or at least as regularly as I was before I stopped writing entirely (for the duration of the time I stopped writing entirely anyway) as opposed to mostly not writing very often and when I did it wasn't much to write home about anyway. So stay tuned. I mean, if you can be bothered.

Fix what?

So life goes on. It seems to be going well, for the most part, as long as I keep everything relating to reality in the back of my mind, which I am. I shall continue to ignore it all as long as it can be ignored. It's what I do. So, pretty much, it needs to be fixed? What needs fixing? Well everything, different things, conflicting things. Everything, you know, my life, the one that's kinda going well, it actually fucked. That's the bit I'm ignoring. There's so much to be fixed I don't even know where to start, I make some tiny steps toward sorting something out and in the process shove some of the other mess onto the mess pile making the other messes bigger. At least I think I am, I'm not sure because as I've mentioned, I'm trying my best to ignore it. It's the usual stuff. Well usual for me which you'd know if I ever bothered with details.. stuff about work, about money, about living space about survival, relationships which have been pretty loosely defined in my life recently, all of it is totally fucked, all of it, and totally. But that's cool, I'm coping. I'm doing small things here and there to mitigate the extent of the disaster but really, when there's so much and it's coming at you from all directions what can you really do? Well drinking helps. I mean it doesn't help but it's part of what one has been doing. And all that goes along with that. I'll check back in a little bit and see how it all turns out.

Too busy living..

Yes, that's it. I don't write because I actually have a life. Well I have a job. I spend a lot of time hanging around "the square" not getting paid, to be honest. Well, sometimes I do. The rest of the time for the most part I've been spending it quietly, if you don't count the week or so I became obsessed with a particular instrument and spent a lot of time learning a few things on it, and once or twice I actually socialized with real people. Otherwise, just hanging out, wasting time. Still in transition, no idea what will become of me by the rest of the month but from this morning I have (I think, I hope) one less thing to worry about, I'm blissfully feeling terrible, but it's great, and it's great. I have plans, oh so many ambitious plans, and I'm seriously thinking about planning a time when I sit down and really consider how I'm going to maybe write down a list of when and how I'm going to maybe implement some of these things.. yes, I'm here bitchez, I'm gonna be out there! That's pretty much it.

On to the next step.

So, recently there have been a lot of changes in my life, change of circumstance, habitat, um, yeah everything really. The beginning of last month was the big moment although stuff happened earlier that led to it, which was quite devastating to me. The last month has been strange, I guess I could say, although I seem to adapt pretty quickly to everything changing completely. I was there, now I'm here, I had this person in my life, now they're.. well over there and I don't really communicate much, and there's this person over here who's in my space, sort of. Yeah.. just that. I did well, if I may say so myself, the main thing was gaining some sort of employment, keeping it and making some money from it and I did that. Amazing what you can achieve if you really fucking have to. It was hairy for a while, took it's time and I thought I was going to be out on my ass again but I had a whirlwind week of something akin to success that made it possible for me to survive. Since then, it's been slower, and less lucrative but I'll probably mention that later at some point. My personal life obviously has been disrupted. Last month, fresh out of a life that I'd been living for years, that I'd been involuntarily kicked out of, here I was, wondering, what the fuck is next. And what came next was.. a bit of everything, working, drinking, working hungover, insomnia.. arguing, fighting, sharing intimate details.. other stuff. A lot I don't remember, but it was all good, even the stuff that wasn't good, and in fact absolutely terrible, because it was what there was at the time. That was February. First month out of my old life. Now, things are different again, people move on, another moves in, business is slow and I'm wondering again, what the fuck is next, what the hell am I going to do with myself now. This time I think I need to make an effort to build some kind of life for myself, because letting it all just happen around me just isn't working anymore.

So um, hi..

Well. Things have changed, things are happening, stuff went down. What can I say, February was a damn interesting month. Now.. what to do with myself?

And it's back in the pit..

the fucking quagmire that i just can't ever seem to get completely out of. As as soon as it looks like I might just be edging out, there I slip back again. Why oh why oh why oh why does everyone never communicate with you properly or in a timely fashion or go and change the rules on you mid plan and completely fuck you up? Why? Seriously, not rhetorical, I want to know. More importantly I want to know how to stop it, and more importantly how to get out of this mess that is due entirely to people fucking me around in one way or another, at least 15% of it, definitely. Here I am again, wondering just what the fuck I am to do and what's to become of me. I am in a state of permanent doomdom. It's getting very tiresome.

So not quite a miracle...

but still, something that I needed, or at least wanted. At the very least though the past few days could end up being the cause of various disasters from ill health to.. general catastrophe, it was fun. And at the same time.. all is still the same, no idea if this is all going to be ok, the time is getting closer and I have no idea if I'm going to survive. Nothing to compare, nothing to estimate, just people who won't get in contact. Just waiting, as always.

I'm a good girl..

a miracle must happen. Truly, I am. I mean, I'm not necessarily a bad girl, not in the good way anyway. I have good qualities, I have, for instance, all the correct opinions on everything. I tend to fail on the living one's belief's part, as I'm somewhat selfish, and quite lazy, but wanting everything to be happy and rosy counts for something, surely. And sure, I have flaws, tons of them, but they're more the being rather pathetic and useless kinds rather than mean and evil kinds, so I'm at least good-ish. Sorta. Well, a miracle would be nice all the same. At least some good luck. Ok I'll take a decent opportunity that doesn't take too much courage or in fact effort to take advantage of. Ok, a short run of no further bullshit, at least not the really bad stuff. Deal?

A kind of rhythm.

I've kind of settled into a way of doing things here. Not so different from the old way of doing things. The surroundings are a little less salubrious, the other human presence is always there but rarely seen, and there's no furry friend always around. I've seen a lot of depots, at the end of the tram lines during times I'm trying to avoid something by doing something which never works out as doing anything because I just get preoccupied and can't concentrate. I'm making slow progress in, stuff, and it's and more problems keep coming up to make things more stressful which I can't do a damn thing about.. no difference there then. Apart from one morning sitting in a cold corridor for 2 hours because of key issues and a day on a set wearing a heavy sack coat that literally dragged me down and gave me a bad back, that's about it. Any dreams of forging out a new exciting life for myself in the shadow of disaster.. are going to have to be worked on.

Just who do you have to screw...

to get a proper coffee around here! I've been here a few days now, I've still got stuff in bags that I don't even know I have, and stuff that I know I have and would like among it all, but it's better. I have all the bags to one side and at least for the most part there isn't debris on the floor. After 3 days of moving, mess, hangover, slowly pieces of my life start to come together, I get the computer hooked up, I go shopping for essentials like shampoo, food, coffee, milk, I push the bags around a bit so it all looks better, and finally, this morning I get up, knowing I have what I need to be a complete person again. I put on the kettle, put in the coffee, the milk... the sugar. Oh wait.. that wasn't sugar. I'm not a fan of salty coffee so I dumped it. Later on I discovered I did have some sugar, in one of the many bags off stuff I didn't know I had, didn't ask for and didn't want and takes up way too much space. Well at least there's tomorrow.

Welcome to my new

life. Home, me, etc. So, the first day o' the rest of my life was today, following the eve of it, which I celebrated by getting considerably wrecked, and thus this momentous day was spent by me, utterly useless and incapable of achieving a damn thing. At some point in the evening I was able to get the computer hooked up, and back in business, but so far business has been slow. It hasn't been so bad, despite the whole hangover thing and the utter explosion of my life and everything I hold dear courtesy of yours truly's stupid decisions/actions/lack thereof, which preceded, I mean, wasn't good but considering... And here I am. Tomorrow is the first day of action in this period, so perhaps there will be more to report on then. I'm not banking on it, but there's a slight possibility. Anyway, off to enjoy the being back and computerized in a more relaxing, befitting to my still delicate condition way.

And it's a goodbye..

from me. Not necessarily to anyone who will be reading this, just goodbye to this, and that, my current dwellings, other things and/or people and other sentient beings. Goodbye to my life, in a way, which I'm being unceremoniously kicked out of. Not nastily mind you, very kindly, politely and amicably, but it's going down the shitter all the same. What to do with myself now? No idea, no fucking idea.

On it's way out.

I've had a personal battle with the month of January for the last few years here on this blog. It's due to the fact that January is generally shit, it's boring, it's grey, and just in general bleh. The past few Januaries in particular have, in fact sucked. Then February would come and honestly didn't get much better, and often specifically crappy stuff happened, and on with March, etc. So, usually things suck, whatever month it is, plus greyness.. darkness.. end of revelries etc etc etc. This January has been in that way like all others, in that it has been fucking awful. It's been different than the others as well, it's been particularly shit, and shittier than any other month, January or otherwise that I've experienced for years. Not all of it, some of it was vaguely pleasant, but it started unpleasant, stayed just plain boring for a while, got slightly interesting but really nothing all that great to be honest and then everything went to shit in a spectacular way. JMG! I say, and have said for many years, there's barely 5 hours left of it and good fucking riddance! Unfortunately, this year more than ever the transitioning of the months won't make a damn bit of difference other than to make things why yes.. even worse, so thank you, um, universe. The shit that went down wasn't the kind that flares up, is really bad for a bit, then simmers down and is kind of bad and eventually disappears.. no, it's the kind of event, a revelation that tells you this is how it is, and this is how it's going to continue to be.. and actually later on it's going to be more like this. And starting tomorrow, in February, it's going to be more like this. And this, I completely fucking hate. It has been opined that it is a good thing, and I suppose in a way it is, but's the kind of good that's good for you rather than, you know, good.. sort of like broccoli, except I really like broccoli so it's not a very good example, more like, studying, exercise, doing taxes and sorting out bills. Things that I put off, and most of the time just don't plain do. When it can't be avoided, I ignore the reality that they exist for as long as I can. this is exactly what I'm trying to do now, but it's hard when reminders are being thrust into your face as you go along in your usual daily distractions, and there's that nagging feeling that you really should be doing stuff to get ready for this eventuality. So yeah.. um, JMG, and whatever.

Changing. And Waiting

There's always a point, when an unwelcome, inevitable change is on the horizon where you (and by "you" I mean me, and most likely, due to the law of averages, many other people out there on earth) just want to get on with it and have it done. I personally like to wish it to be some point in the future that allows enough time to have gone by for this whole messy transition bit to be over, plus allowances for adjustment. And then you get there, to that point, and this is it, the very unwelcome change that is going to happen, whether you like it or not, past which you need to get, the sooner the better, to get on with the next stage and.. it's just, the end. And end of something you don't want to say goodbye to. All that relief,, that tiny bit of curiosity, maybe even excitement for a new future.. all gone. Well mostly gone. It's particularly fun when you're kind of near the end of some of the several stages to this whole thing and you get to enjoy the grief at losing what you hold dear along with the frustration of everything taking so fucking long still. Yeah, it's all a big load of fucking fun.

Distractions.

I know I talk a lot about these distractions. You might know too if you pay attention at all. I need them to deal with the fact that I'm an overthinker by nature and have come to the conclusion that life is utterly pointless.. There is no meaning, it just is. Now that I can deal with just fine as long as.. dum da da da da.. I don't think about it. there you go, a quandary. how does one deal with one while being the other.. yes, that's right. Get your mind on something. Put the life, universe and all that jazz to the back of your mind. Deep down, if you're going to nitpick it until it's meaningless, we all do this. People have things that may obsess them, or fill their time with joy and meaning that are, when you get down to it, ways of getting through life, warding off the idea that it's just something that goes by until it ends. Now as I said.. it's very nitpicky because if people have children and make art and save lives and go around the world feeding the poor and millions of other things that are various degree of important and that has meaning for people well then there's your meaning and that's great, but sort of, in a way, they sort of that as well. Anyway.. no such noble kinds for me. Mine are all of the beer and tv variety. In fact.. that's what they are, beer and tv. ok so maybe not exactly just that all the time, but most that or something equivalent. I'd love to divert myself with big projects.. theatre, film, helping street kids, writing, you get the general drift but I'm having trouble a) getting those sorts of roles/jobs, b) getting them started myself or with people who are trying to get those started too or c) not really all that fussed. So, it's the time wasting, useless, rather not own up I really do that kind of pursuits for me. Now, I just need it more than ever. Yes, I have this whole got to get things done thing going on, which is neither good or bad it just is, but what to do when I'm not doing those things and/or doing those things and things just don't get done or they go so slowly it's accurate enough to say it's not getting done? All I want to do is.. just not think about it. I'll leave it at that.

Every day is like Sunday.

And Sundays suck. They're slow, dull, always grey, sometimes rain. You're all alone and hardly anyone's about, you know those people who update blogs, comment on stuff and joke around online, the people who are the only people left, because you'r all alone, they're just not there. Out doing stuff in this "real world" I keep hearing about, I guess. And having the day off work doesn't matter because I don't work anyway. Today is Sunday, today's like that. I'm here, it's dreary and I'm all alone. Typical Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday. Most people don't like Mondays. It's the beginning of a long work week, and most people work. At least I think most people do, decent people, people who are worth something do. I don't really have that relationship with Mondays, though I always felt the difference, having someone who is a decent person and goes back to work then. It was weekend over for everyone here so I guess I got a little bit of it. Not sure if I feel that anymore. I don't like them though, they're just like Sundays, just a whole lot of pointless pointlessness, being alone and it's all grey, all day. And if it isn't it might as well be. Did I happen to mention things kind of suck?

Posting a pic..

because it's something to put here. This is me.. surprise surprise ;) by some graf/art whatever you want to call it if you're being nitpicky, by the Danube in Vienna.

And now... again.

Right now, if things had gone to plan, I'd be somewhere else. I might be somewhere worse, somewhere that made me cringe, that made me cry, in fact, most likely I would be so it's just as well they didn't go to plan, but it might have worked out. That would have led to more waiting, more anxiety, more likely cringing and crying and quite possibly a situation where it all ends, actually almost certainly, knowing me. I'm not there now. Instead I'm exactly where I was.. just waiting. No longer for the one specific thing, that would be over with by now and I'd be looking back on how it all went, ready for the next step (well, assuming it went well enough for that which wasn't a definite or in fact terribly likely thing) and yeah.. I'd have a clue what's going on in my life. And here I am, still with no clue. Ok a clue, but not enough of a clue. I know certain things, things I'm blissfully and shamefully ignoring as best I can while dealing with them, to a certain degree, because letting all that in just makes it impossible for me to what needs to be done, at least I tell myself that, to give myself a better excuse than that I just don't want to think about it. I don't know, maybe it's a bit of both. Main point is, back to the drawing board, and the keyboard for something else which I tell myself is a sure thing though again, knowing me and knowing my history it's utterly foolish to think that way, in any case it's not enough so both drawing and typing are essential. If I can keep myself away from my distractions enough, I may just get something done. If the world lets me.

Limbo..

or Purgatory. I feel like I've done this before, like, exactly this same title and first line before. I probably have, I have a tendency to write things and forget completely about it and repeat the same thing again as if I've just had this new brilliant insight, I think. Well anyway.. I'm in this.. metaphorical halfway house, which I think I may have brought up as well, before and possibly in fact when I wrote this title and first line before, but I'm less sure about that.. so I'm in this in between thing. I won't go into details but I just am. It was really bad at first then it was between really bad and not so bad as circumstances allow me to ignore it and/or numb the reality for most of the time and now it's just.. I don't know.. I just don't really feel anything. Or I do but only the stuff that doesn't bother me so much. So yeah.. I'm just waiting for things to get on with it. I've done stuff. Actually went out, took the bull by the horns all that bullshit, did what I had to, and should be continuing to do, but as is my usual habit when something is on the horizon I act like I'm going to get to said horizon so I don't need to keep doing that so note to self, keep doing that, and well so this stuff, it's happening it's leading to stuff.. it's just leading really slowly.. too slowly for me, and I don't know where I'm at right now because I don't know where I'm going to be at you see what I mean? You don't, I'm sure of it, point is it's annoying. Today I had something scheduled. Something that was a big deal for me, something I stressed over and looked forward to being over and done with, which I would be right now, because however it would turn out, whether it would be great, just ok, or a total cockup, I'd at least have done that, and I'd know more about what's going to happen. Of course, it didn't happen.. somebody somewhere got confused and someone else was already there and that would have been too many cooks, so to speak, though we aren't cooks, but I had to turn around and go home, scheduled to go back later in the week. After having a coffee. So here I am, still wherever it is I am, not quite how how I feel about it or about anything.

Big important buildings..

for big important stuff and/or people. Vienna.

Well, that was fun.

I had an alright time in Vienna. Didn't do anything I planned to do although I never planned anything. Did some unexpected things, which can be expected due to the lack of any expectation. Otherwise, it was quite fun, had a few mini adventures, met some interesting and/or odd people.. not too many, but some. It does seem like a long time ago already, and everything that happened, everything that was said, all the laughs.. just don't mean the same thing anymore. Shit is like that. Yes this year is well underway and I'm not sure I like that.

Getting out.

I've done nothing so far, in this year of 2015. Literally nothing. I know the time for saying.. I haven't... last year is over. It was over 2 weeks ago ok a week ago or a week and a bit, but this is me. I'm able to literally not get out of the house and connect with a single other soul for 2 weeks or more, easily. Ok so it hasn't been that much or that long.. well that long, but I haven't so much as been on a tram this year. I haven't been anywhere.. ok I've been to the restaurant across the street, and a pub up the road, and to the supermarket, and seen the kitties.. but I haven't gone anywhere that requires me to drive there, or in my case, to take public transport. Not once. Not since xmas eve actually but that's all last year and that doesn't count anymore. Today that's changing.. I'm getting on a bus. not a tram but a bus to go to a bus station where I get on a bus and go across a border. To Austria.. to the city of Vienna. That should be nice.

Oh yeah.. it's 2015.

And still no hoverboard :(

o well.. have a drink.