Monday, January 19, 2015


or Purgatory. I feel like I've done this before, like, exactly this same title and first line before. I probably have, I have a tendency to write things and forget completely about it and repeat the same thing again as if I've just had this new brilliant insight, I think. Well anyway.. I'm in this.. metaphorical halfway house, which I think I may have brought up as well, before and possibly in fact when I wrote this title and first line before, but I'm less sure about that.. so I'm in this in between thing. I won't go into details but I just am. It was really bad at first then it was between really bad and not so bad as circumstances allow me to ignore it and/or numb the reality for most of the time and now it's just.. I don't know.. I just don't really feel anything. Or I do but only the stuff that doesn't bother me so much. So yeah.. I'm just waiting for things to get on with it. I've done stuff. Actually went out, took the bull by the horns all that bullshit, did what I had to, and should be continuing to do, but as is my usual habit when something is on the horizon I act like I'm going to get to said horizon so I don't need to keep doing that so note to self, keep doing that, and well so this stuff, it's happening it's leading to stuff.. it's just leading really slowly.. too slowly for me, and I don't know where I'm at right now because I don't know where I'm going to be at you see what I mean? You don't, I'm sure of it, point is it's annoying. Today I had something scheduled. Something that was a big deal for me, something I stressed over and looked forward to being over and done with, which I would be right now, because however it would turn out, whether it would be great, just ok, or a total cockup, I'd at least have done that, and I'd know more about what's going to happen. Of course, it didn't happen.. somebody somewhere got confused and someone else was already there and that would have been too many cooks, so to speak, though we aren't cooks, but I had to turn around and go home, scheduled to go back later in the week. After having a coffee. So here I am, still wherever it is I am, not quite how how I feel about it or about anything.


Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm usually very loth to give advice, as I believe no one ever wants it anyway (I know I don't) but still, sometimes we can't help ourselves, can we? That's my excuse anyway, so here goes: you ever considered the philosophy that it's not about the objective, but about the process, aka, journey? Seems to me, the anticipation, the fantasies, can be enjoyed as ends in themselves, regardless of whether they come to fruition [straps on crash helmet in anticipation of pots and pans flying in my direction]

Michelle said...

You are very right, and that's true of well.. life, that's pretty much what life is, however, it doesn't really help so much with my current situation, not your fault as I wasn't actually forthcoming about what it actually is.. still, I do enjoy my distractions, a bit too much, I need to do more of the other stuff.. if you know what I mean, which I'm certain you don't because again, I'm being vague to the point of uselessness. cau