Thursday, January 22, 2015

And now... again.

Right now, if things had gone to plan, I'd be somewhere else. I might be somewhere worse, somewhere that made me cringe, that made me cry, in fact, most likely I would be so it's just as well they didn't go to plan, but it might have worked out. That would have led to more waiting, more anxiety, more likely cringing and crying and quite possibly a situation where it all ends, actually almost certainly, knowing me. I'm not there now. Instead I'm exactly where I was.. just waiting. No longer for the one specific thing, that would be over with by now and I'd be looking back on how it all went, ready for the next step (well, assuming it went well enough for that which wasn't a definite or in fact terribly likely thing) and yeah.. I'd have a clue what's going on in my life. And here I am, still with no clue. Ok a clue, but not enough of a clue. I know certain things, things I'm blissfully and shamefully ignoring as best I can while dealing with them, to a certain degree, because letting all that in just makes it impossible for me to what needs to be done, at least I tell myself that, to give myself a better excuse than that I just don't want to think about it. I don't know, maybe it's a bit of both. Main point is, back to the drawing board, and the keyboard for something else which I tell myself is a sure thing though again, knowing me and knowing my history it's utterly foolish to think that way, in any case it's not enough so both drawing and typing are essential. If I can keep myself away from my distractions enough, I may just get something done. If the world lets me.

4 comments:

lekkerman said...

I'd leave a comment if only I could understand the post. Well, whatever it is, I wish you well.

Michelle said...

thanks.. and sorry..

I'm really just using this blog as a.. what do you call it.. thingy? sort of a stream of consciousness thoughts letting out except I don't really feel like telling people what's going on so.. you get this.. again, sorry.

lekkerman said...

My dearest Michelle, there's no need to apologise to me, it's your blog and you can express yourself in the way you're most comfortable with. I wasn't complaining, I just wanted to say SOMETHING :)

Michelle said...

I know, you're right. Still.. sorry. I'm sorry about a lot of stuff.. now if I'd actually do something to stop fucking everything up.. that's harder.