I'm starting to really not like not having anything to do. I don't mean in a "I'm bored" whine that you do all the time when you're a kid or adolescent or young adult or still considerably older person than that if you're that kind of person which I am, and it is something I do, but I mean more like a.. I actually think I prefer days that I have to work. Now I'm not saying I like work, or my job. I still hate having to go in, still get nervous about doing it, and bitch to myself quietly while half heartedly trying to plaster a smile over my face while I'm waiting for people. I do sometimes actually enjoy it all, or at least not mind it so much while I'm doing it, but that has been the case all along, I don't like it more or less than I ever have, but this particular thing, is something else. It definitely has to do with a lack of motivation. I don't seem to get anything done on days off. Things I need to do, practical things I feel I should be doing to improve things and stuff I would really like to be the sort of person who engages in, you know, like music and stuff. I never get that shit done. There's more though. I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't just not get around to doing what I should do, I never seem to do what I really want to do either. now, sometimes, it's convenience or cost that is the problem, and that could be the case, but I just don't know. The biggest deal is that I just don't know what I really want. Small things yes.. to be on the computer reading, replying, watching things, reading about the things I watched, getting a snack. I like those things and I usually manage to do some of those things, but the bigger stuff. That's my problem. What is this all for? Why am I even here, where am I going? Do I even like it here and is there something to look forward to? I could work on that thing, but what the fuck is it? There really isn't a point is there? I should just work on being at peace with that and maybe I'll be ok. For the moment, snacks and tv are just going to have to do.