Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Could it be?

I'm starting to really not like not having anything to do. I don't mean in a "I'm bored" whine that you do all the time when you're a kid or adolescent or young adult or still considerably older person than that if you're that kind of person which I am, and it is something I do, but I mean more like a.. I actually think I prefer days that I have to work. Now I'm not saying I like work, or my job. I still hate having to go in, still get nervous about doing it, and bitch to myself quietly while half heartedly trying to plaster a smile over my face while I'm waiting for people. I do sometimes actually enjoy it all, or at least not mind it so much while I'm doing it, but that has been the case all along, I don't like it more or less than I ever have, but this particular thing, is something else. It definitely has to do with a lack of motivation. I don't seem to get anything done on days off. Things I need to do, practical things I feel I should be doing to improve things and stuff I would really like to be the sort of person who engages in, you know, like music and stuff. I never get that shit done. There's more though. I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't just not get around to doing what I should do, I never seem to do what I really want to do either. now, sometimes, it's convenience or cost that is the problem, and that could be the case, but I just don't know. The biggest deal is that I just don't know what I really want. Small things yes.. to be on the computer reading, replying, watching things, reading about the things I watched, getting a snack. I like those things and I usually manage to do some of those things, but the bigger stuff. That's my problem. What is this all for? Why am I even here, where am I going? Do I even like it here and is there something to look forward to? I could work on that thing, but what the fuck is it? There really isn't a point is there? I should just work on being at peace with that and maybe I'll be ok. For the moment, snacks and tv are just going to have to do.

5 comments:

lekkerman said...

Hey, you've stolen my angst! Effectively, anyway. I could just have easily written it, this very minute, and it would be relevant to my life!

I do the "computer thing", with ease, almost (I do get peed off with it on occasion) and I can manage without too much hassle the watching of TV with feet up and coffee mug to hand. But when it comes to getting down to practise guitar, which I'd love to learn, which is never far from my mind, I just freeze, and move on to more mundane things. Similarly, though it's not a passion, we have the garden back and front. They need tending to. I don't know if you're aware but stuff grows in these things, especially at this time of year and with a vengeance too! But do I discipline myself? Do I fuck! I leave it and leave it until such time the job becomes many times harder than it would be if I worked on it frequently. So... I have a situation which leaves me feeling troubled (call it guilty if you like) as gardens and guitar (the latter is in show) stare back at me accusingly, day in and day out. I just don't have that kind of mojo, the doing kind. It's an existential crisis of the serious kind. What's it all-a-fucking-bout?

What kind of snacks do you like? And TV?

I've done it again, I've hi-jacked your post. I'm most terribly sorry. All I meant to say was, I understand simply because I''m going through the same kind of phase.

lekkerman said...

I just browsed my flickr account and stumbled upon your latest pic. Well, if you'll pardon the expression - you still "have it"! Never an empty inbox, I warrant! :)

Michelle said...

why thank you.. I guess. Sorry for not responding earlier to this, don't really have much to say except for.. yeah, that.

I like chips, nuts, stuff that's not good for you in general. Cheese, lots of cheese. With TV anything that has witches or vampires or those kinds of things, comedies, funny ones and even some that aren't funny. General stuff, you know. That.

lekkerman said...

No worries. I've got fuck-all to say if I'm honest. I just force it.

Michelle said...

oright