Same Again

I thought I'd pop in here at least once during this month, right at the last minute, of the year, as it happens. This year. This fucking year. This fucking shitty year has fucking sucked! I'd go into details but I can't fucking be bothered and really, it's fucking depressing. It's just a bleak miserable existence. I'd be fucking ecstatic, in spite of the end of a monumental fuckup of a year, except I know it won't change a thing. Us humans (myself fucking included, especially me being such a stupid fuckwit) are obsessed with these milestones based on arbitrary numeral combinations and it means shit. Nothing will happen except for the same bullshit that keeps happening, more problems and more bad shit. That's my fucking prediction for the next fucking rotation around the sun... the same old shit, but worse. At least the festive season will be over. You know what it's like to be around everyone enjoying fun and festivities when your life is pointless, miserable and bleak with no hope that anything will change, either soon or ever? Well it fucking sucks. Now it will be January, which is glum, but it's glum for everyone. Good! I hope it's fucking extra glum with an extra dose of bleak. You try it, hah.. you don't know what glum is motherfucker, I'd like to give you glum. Well I've done my duty and made my point. I don't know when I'll be writing here again but it won't be until at least next year. Yes, I see what I did there, laugh motherfucker. That's all, me out.

Breaking The Silence

So here i am, I'm writing. I've been quiet, for me. I have good reasons, one being that it's been really difficult to get anything done of late including writing something online, the other one is that things fucking suck, and there's not much more to say about it than they fucking suck. Well there is a lot to say about it, but I will, in my usual style, allude and be vague and not say anything at all while saying a lot. I think that's how it goes. Last month sucked. It sucked as months usually do, boredom, hardship, shit just not working out, again. And then a big event happened, a momentous devastating occasion in the life of a person that I had a weirdly inadequate reaction to, but I think I was affected, anyway it drops the level of October considerably. The events of this month, have been less overwhelming in the overall scheme of things, but the shit that started off the month (actually occurring on the last of the last, October 31, Halloween all Saint's Eve Samhain etc)happened is of a kind to affect me personally much more, and being the unfeeling, selfish sort that I am, has pissed me off much more. And it just got worse. So shit sucks, everything simple, boring but necessary is such a fucking hassle to do and it doesn't get anything done it's just a big pain in the ass. And I don't get anything done. Day after day the same, I wait and wait and rush and wait and find out.. nothing. Not a sausage, nothing knew, not good news anyway, just more of the same shit, slowly descending from it's already considerable descent. So shit sucks, and I'm considerably vexed by it all.

So much to share..

but nothing to say. I sometimes have problems writing anything here. It shouldn't be a problem, as there is not obligation for me to ever write anything at all, not officially, but I want to write. I want to keep this here blog thingy up, I want to have a creative(ish) connection to the outer world, that isn't all the photos I post or the stuff I share on Facebook or the stuff I (not all that often or at least not enough of the the stuff I want to be in) act in or or all else that I do so I want to write something. I just do. Something is a big category. It would help so much if I had a topic, or topics, or subjects if that is in any way different to a topic. No it wouldn't, then I'd be complaining about how hard it is to write about a particular thing all the time, or that particular thing, or to have to write about a different particular thing every week or every month of however often my assignments are sent. I'd complain, and I'd maybe write, or I maybe wouldn't. This way is also difficult. I don't have much of a life, there is no single subject that I am enough of an expert on for me to have enough confidence in my knowledge to feel I can write about it. It would feel like pontificating, and to pontificate one must a: have loads of confidence, or b: really know stuff, like lots. I am neither a nor b. I mean, I occasionally jot out something about politics or whatever, but it isn't often. That leaves me, and my life. Life being uneventful, it leaves me, and I don't really like talking about myself. I mean I do, and I do. and I am. That is both like it and do it, and I am engaging in that this very moment, but I don't like sharing too much. Not details, not the inner person not anything. So I end up writing about myself, my feelings, stuff going on but being vague about it. And I tend to just type my thoughts out without stopping to think if it makes sense and I never go back over and edit because I really don't want to go back and realize what a load of drivel I just wrote. So it may be hard to read. As I don't think there's anyone reading and this is all for me, and I don't even bother ever reading it, that matters little. So what am I even whining about? Oh yeah. Turns out it doesn't matter.

The usual

So, nothing to report on, write home about, to immortalize in song or any of that. Just me, here, waiting for one thing or another to work out, doing bits of things here or there, working for the weekend but I can't say anything about that because it's oh so top secret oooh. Not that it's anything important. So, cats still running around, I'm still here in this place, somehow and I have some stuff on the agenda but at this point I'm expecting to all turn into nothing because after about the 67th time, you sense a pattern forming. Just got a fright, thought it was one of our many chickens. See we have several. Some have already been here, roosting for a while, then another came home, roosted and we evicted it, but it might come back. I thought that one had come back. Still could be back, soon. No I'm not going to explain all of that. Well.. life goes on. I wish I had something better or more detailed or microscopically interesting to report on, but there you go.

And while we're waiting..

were we waiting? What are we waiting for? I seem to have forgotten, anyway.

Cat video!!!

Being Poorly

I have been rather poorly of late. Not to excuse the lack of posting, that's just because I have nothing to write. I still have nothing to write but nevertheless I've decided it's time to tap away at the keyboard again. I have been unwell, mildly, for a short while and I did not/do not like it. Not one bit. I did manage to actually work during a bit of it for which I should be sorta proud but really am nothing in particular about. I'm getting over it, but whether I'll get through the more psychological malady that's gone along with it, that remains to be seen.

Perhaps it's because it gives me too much time to dwell, and combined with feeling physically shitty it just makes everything seem so bad, maybe it's because things just are that shitty, but I've been wallowing, and whiny, and.. stuff like that. Yes, things are less than spectacular. Let's put it into perspective, these are all entirely first world problems, and of a particularly whiny wallowy person, so nought to get worried about, but being as it's me that's wallowing and whining, it does bother me.

Things are back to, square one I guess. It keeps happening but I thought for a while things were happening, well things were happening, but I thought that some would continue to happen and/or lead to other things and all the things combined would make a, if not amazing but at least pretty good bunch of things. Well none of those things lead to anything, and now there's nothing. I'm more than getting tired of this development. Further than that, I'm not proud of the way I deal with it. It's bad enough to be a failure at everything I want to do, even worse to be the sort of person who just can't deal with it. I am very much the kind of person who just can't fucking deal with it, and wallows, and whines... etc etc.

So this is bothering me. And the things that made me deal with the stuff poorly remains a problem. And after an actually quite pleasant evening last night which broke up the whining and wallowing, during which I oh so extravagantly had a bit of wine, I've had an awful splitting headache all day, which doesn't exactly help with the project (not that I've begun one, or even considered thinking about beginning one) to get myself out of my slump and become more-ish like the person I would rather be, or less like the person I am, to an at least reasonable degree. So there, that's been my couple of days.

I got nothin

Still not sure what's happening here. Coasting along quite comfortably in this domicile until, well that I don't know.

Things have slowed down. From what, I hear you shout, stuff, I say, stuff. I had a few things going on and a few things that looked like they would become things, and a thing that was a positive thing whether it turned out to be anything or not. Now the stuff seems to have stopped (maybe there will be stuff but at the moment I have nothing scheduled). Things that didn't turn into anything and the thing that was a positive thing whether it worked out or not, isn't really anything, turns out, I really wanted that thing.

But, there's always more out there, more opportunities, more small achievements and the tiny promise that one day there will be something bigger, that will inevitably not become anything but as long as I can delude myself that it might just one day work out I guess everything is tolerable.

And there are kitties, of course.

It's been..

It just has. I can't say good or bad or exciting or slow or exquisite because it hasn't, and it has. It's just been.

I seem to be still doing stuff, occasionally, semi regularly. I'm mostly doing the stuff that leads to stuff, only thing is, in my experience, the stuff never happens. Some stuff has, and some stuff will, but the stuff, the real stuff, never seems to pan out. But we'll see. Maybe this will be the month of stuff. Or perhaps next month, it's almost next month I can live with that.

So I'm working a bit, when I can. I go to actual castings well I went to one and I feel like I'm jinxing by mentioning it because it's taken this long to even get one for something real with a line and sort of appointment, but I want it to become a more regular thing, and ultimately, the stuff I want is the stuff it leads to.

Other stuff, well, I've had a long term sporadic correspondence with a person who I finally met the other day and we spoke together in a language that is both our second and I'm not sure if everything was clear, or what the job really is, or when it's supposed to start or if anything is ever going to come of it but that's a thing too, it might actually become a real thing. I won't hold my breath though, I've been much further along in something after having put in weeks and work and study that's not led to anything more, actually that's the story of this year so far so like everything we'll see.

Still hanging on here, still got power on, somehow. That's something.

Still living in cat land..

Kittens are getting bigger, stronger, more confident, more yellow/amber eyed and as adorable as ever. Sometimes they like to knock flower pots over. Here's one being calm and well behaved.

An appearance

I thought I'd show up here again just to say something... "something" That's all I really have to say for now, going through one of those periods. It's not exactly writer's block, more a writer's, um, what's the word? I guess it's a block, at least a lack of imagination regarding ways to turn what I'm experiencing and feeling into a semi coherent narrative with a catch or a hook or whatever you call it without actually telling anyone anything of detail. Or maybe I just did. So, in case you were wondering and perhaps there is a sole soul out there who does, the situation I wrote about in my previous posting has not changed. I'm still waiting, whenever I make a point to think about it which I don't. I'm living a weird mix of doomed and a charmed life. At some point this will change, but fortunately I have plenty of distractions to help me not dwell it, I've got my shows, four cats and have even been known to go out to an establishment more than once this month, so it's cool. That's all. I guess it was sort of something, whatever it is.

A river in Egypt

I don't consider myself a very grown up person. Usually I try to put a positive spin on it, convince myself that I'm fun loving, youthful and all that, but I'm also immature in the less positive ways. I'm not responsible, at all. I don't really think about this too much, most of the time, but I'm aware. As far as my immaturity level goes I'd figure it's nothing unusual for a young-ish (ie under 60 or 70 or whatever age is still considerably higher than mine) in this day and age but when I get to thinking about it, as I am then I realize that's not true. I'm a fucking child. I'm incapable of behaving in a responsible manner, even a little bit responsible. Oh I have my moments. When by a random stroke of luck I get some job that the universe lets me hold on to for a bit I tend to show up and do what I'm told, and I buy food and supplies when there's a regular cash flow, ie when I have the aforementioned inexplicable sort of lasting employment, and I wash dishes. Sort of regularly at least when there's hot running water. That's about it. If it gets a bit hard to get look for/get/keep a job, it doesn't happen. If there are papers to deal with, bills growing, official shit to sort out I ignore it. I can't face shit like that. And if there's something looming on the horizon that's inevitable and completely and utterly fucked and the only way to fix or at least minimize the damage is to face it, work and do something about it, well I don't. I stay out of it, keeping myself in the dark until the last minute, hoping that what I sort of know is true isn't really true and something magical at the last minute will happen to save me. Well it's the last minute. Or near the last minute I don't really know. That's how irresponsible I am. Yeah, don't know what my future holds but as far as I know it's happening soon. Like 3 days, one day, like I said I don't know. I'd ask and be sure but who wants that?

and just because there aren't enough of them around here..

kittens! all 3 of the little destroyers.. I mean darlings

I'm a hard working...

something.

Some might say bullshit artist but that would be incorrect. I'm utterly um. what was that, just got distracted by some cat destruction. Fortunately all kitties are ok there's just a huge mess and breakages regarding some plants in the kitchen.

Anyway, I'm utterly hopeless at being duplicitous and shit. It's not that I'm terribly honest or anything, I'm just not that clever.

I have been acting. Today I was particularly hard working or at least working for many hours. Waking at the ungodly hour of 6am to get to the set and sweating through hours of mostly waiting around but also some dialogue and being smacked hard and grabbing balls and smoking. Then I got to spend almost an hour in various parts of the building as the director got caught up in some adventure trying to get money or whatever. One of them buildings where you need the key for everything, whatever. At least I didn't need to pee in a bottle like I did the other day when I got stuck in an elevator. That didn't really happen that was for a movie too.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a guy, for some film, bringing some clothes for outfits and doing, not sure what, but at least my call is for the civilized hour of 1400.

After that I'm back to being a hard working nothing. This never seems to last very long.

All sought after and stuff.

I had a brief stint of being really popular, then I sort of blew it, and then I wasn't. Well not really.

In all, some good stuff happened and it turned out to be actually rather vexing. A lot of that has to do with my tendency to hate anything unless it's absolutely brilliant and flawless in every way. I exaggerate. Maybe a little. It was also because it was all kind of vexing.

So I'm doing some films again. Student films, shorts, from a one month summer course. I'm doing more than I usually do during a summer month, but fewer than I potentially could have, still more than I thought I would be doing up until yesterday, or the day before maybe.

I seem to have done something brilliant in my initial audition because it impressed a lot of people. I must try that again, whatever it was. I didn't do so well on the couple of follow up readings I had, as I got a 1 out of 3, still, better than nothing. Oh and 2 other people just went ahead and cast me. And someone else was going to then rewrote the part yadda yadda yadda.. long story short I was for about a second really popular. I'm still quite popular, as it is, but not quite as astonishingly so. And, out of all of these films I was considered for and some of which I'm in, only one was for a mother. This is kind of a big deal. Versatility and all that.

Most of the last week I've been waiting for emails from people to tell me if I was available for another time or not, and every time I got an email it was someone else saying hey wanna be in this and fucking off and not emailing again, which again, isn't all that bad, when you really think of it.

In general, it all turned out ok, and I think all the waiting and wondering is over, now it's time to get to work, getting up early and all that, but that's ok because it means acting in stuff and it means money. Oh and lunch. I'm really looking forward to lunch.

so how are they getting on?

who do I speak of? Do I even have to say?

speaking of kittens..

did someone say kittens?

well, kittens have turned this place into crazy cat house, which I quite enjoy. They seem to get up quite early in the morning, before the drilling and/or hammering starts. Usually first I wake up to Cecily running in and out of the room, meowing in her, "kittens are about" sort of way, and I hear noises of crashing, banging, rustling, running, jumping, etc. Sometimes one of them crawls into the room for a bit.

Then they spend the day alternating between sleeping, running about from one room to another, getting into every nook and cranny, climbing what they can, getting into shoes, playing with toys and whatever they decide to be a toy, which is pretty much everything as their mother tries to keep track of them. Sometimes they let us stroke them, well 2 of them have now decided sometimes I'm their friend, and sometimes they're still afraid of me, and one is still just afraid. And all the time making crashing, banging, rustling.. etc noises.

And sometimes they all snuggle together, like this.

Everywhere, all the time.

I'm so tired of being reminded of all my failures. Failures, rejections, disappointments, all of it. It's just all always there. A place I have to look at, people I see who knows someone who knows this person, words, images, fucking Facebook!

If there were some triumphs to balance it out, it might be bearable, but triumph is something I cannot claim, not realistically. As far as stuff that works out sometimes, there's just not enough of it. Not enough to counter the negatives and not even enough to distract me from the fact that there's all this stuff out there, that I tried and failed at. Or never got the chance to try.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it always being like this, and the only change is more cringeworthy unpleasant memories to add to the long long list of stuff I'd like to avoid for the rest of my life but staying out of the world (easy enough) avoiding nearly everyone I've ever met (also surprisingly doable) and staying off the internet (eeek) is just not possible.

At least there's kitties, riotous crazy kitties in this crazy cat house. They're very distracting, in fact I'm not even thinking about the other thing that has me so worried, whatever it is.

look! a kitten!

yes, it's a kitten



:)

Waiting for a storm.

The forecast says it's coming, and I can feel it. The air is stuffy, then there's a breeze, a couple of raindrops, but it still doesn't come. I wait and wait, put everything on hold, until the inevitable happens but.. I just keep waiting. The atmosphere is heavy, I'm feeling low, lethargic, not knowing whether to wait or go or what to do? 

*whistles*

I mean a literal storm by the way, what you thought it was another clumsy heavy handed overused metaphor? I suppose it could be, it does sort of parallel one's life but really, how often can say the same thing one always says, and in pretty much the same way. And to be honest, I'm beyond caring. I would like to storm to get itself out of its system though, it's freaking the cat out.

3 kittens..

we have 3 kittens, 2 grey, one black, they all seem to be doing very well, active, playful, starting to eat solid food. Cecily is still not letting us too near, and really, they're a bit cautious about us huge lumbering beasts and don't let us getting too close.

The best picture I've managed to get so far..



 I will get more. *is all determined and stuff*

Drill drill, hammer hammer, clang clang.

This is what I live with every single day all day! Well most of some of the day most days. Still it's a lot, and it starts early. Every day.

They're fixing up the hallway and the door downstairs and retying or something or rather, or all of them. They come in, do some work here, leave it and do some work there, and go on their way of an evening leaving tiles piled up and rubble in the middle of the landing exactly where you need to step to get down the stairs, buckets and dust and chocolate bar wrappers on the stairs, until such time as they get back to doing that particular job, which seems to be after starting and leaving at least 2 other new jobs, some week or week and a half later. I may not be exact, but it's something like that. The scaffolding they had up in the entrance of the building for a month was actually used the first, second and last day, again, it may not be that exactly, but something like it.

And oh the noise. Did I mention drilling? And hammering, clanging banging, loud conversation right outside our door. It's loud, and it starts early. And we have babies here? Little cat babies who need peace?

It looks/looked like this. It sounds worse, but I probably don't need to subject you with that.

Kittens!

The kittens have moved to ground level. Well whatever level this is we're on, sort of 2 and a half, but they're downstairs now. There are 2, I do't know the status of the 3rd one, it's unlikely she still has one up in the loft so I think we have 2 kittens. The first one I saw was a grey sort of stripey one, I think that's the brave, adventurous one, and a black one, which is much smaller.

They're very cute, of course, she still doesn't like us getting to near them and they move too quickly to get a non blurry photo, so far. I will though, I will.

Anyway... kittens!!!!!

Kafka

by David Černý



via me.

Up in the air.

Hello down there, how's the weather on the ground? I speak to you from my long time home, here in the air. I visited you down there recently, thinking I might stay for a bit, but here I am again.

I have visited solid ground many times, over the years, actually lived there briefly a few times but somehow I always end up here. I make the mistake of thinking, again and again, yes this is it, this is permanent, I can relax and plan things and have some kind of orderly future. Silly me, I keep forgetting I'm me, who that is not for the likes of.

I'll see in a week or so, if I'm still here. If I move further out into the abyss (another place I've spent an awful lot of time and quite frankly like less than this thing air here) I won't be terribly surprised, though that would involve me knowing what's going on, and that's pretty unlikely, so I reckon I'll still be here. In the general sense of "up in this air here" which is a large area that I move around a lot, so I'll probably be over there but not down there with something solid beneath my feet.

I'm kind of like those kittens, I think, up high and who knows what's happening.

meow

Kittens update.

Dammit!

No update, nothing, bugger all. Those kittens remain secluded, sequestered away by their overprotective mother. I think. I'm beginning to wonder, for about the 4th time, perhaps the 6th or 8th, if there are any kittens. They've moved further behind their wall which has somehow been realigned by a cat. I don't hear them, I don't ever see any signs of them. Cecily keeps behaving as if there are kittens but she might just be mad for all we know. I have thought this before as well.

It's been so long since she had them, and since I've seen them (again) that I don't even remember there are kittens most of the time, by now they should be completely taking over this place, front and center of our whole world. These little furry babies have to be getting to the age that they need to move about, to go out and explore, see the world! And I want to see them?

Anyway, I'll continue to update you. Or not update you.

Classic Me

At home waiting.

I'm waiting for any information on what happening with me. In more ways than one, but the one which takes precedence over the others right now is the bar. Oh yeah I sort of maybe started working at a bar, so far I'm still sort of on trial, maybe they don't see it that way but I'll see it that way until I've done a couple of shifts successfully and then probably for another about 6 months, we'll see.

Anyway, I was supposed to do a shift. I showed up half an hour before opening, it was all locked up, and either no one was there or deep inside. I had no phone number for anyone because we've been corresponding on Facebook, having only a dumb phone, that doesn't help.

So I waited. Time went by and it came to opening time. Still nothing happened. I tried the gate a few times, and checked to see if it looked locked, it did. I'm sure it was locked, I swear looked at all the possible openings.

I tried calling someone to get the phone number of someone who I thought he might possibly have because people know people you know, and some of those people know people. Couldn't get through to his phone, so I waited called again, didn't get through waited called again didn't get through waited called someone else who was with him, spoke to him. He didn't have the number.

All the time thinking, what is going on? Is this my fault? Is the gate really locked, I mean it's supposed to be open now they wouldn't have an unwelcoming looking gate in front of the closed door when they're supposed to be open anyway and is this in some way my fault? How can it be my fault?

I know it's in some way my fault, or it will be seen as such.

They couldn't have expected me to open could they? I mean, I don't even really work there yet/maybe not even.

I could do nothing but come home, send a message explaining it to anyone who's contact I could find. And all there was to do was to wait.

Anyway, got a message back while I was writing, so it wasn't my fault, but damn, these vexing sort of things keep happening, like I said. Classic me.

Apologies for the outburst

Yesterday I posted ranting, raving, emotional mess of a post, with all sort of ugly thoughts and intentions to the world. I apologize for that. It was uncalled for. I mean I meant it, whole heartedly and fully and absolutely feel everything I wrote with a passion, for the world and for you, dear reader, who doesn't have my problems and has stuff that I should be the benefit of and yes I hate you and you suck, but it was most unbecoming and I should not have said it.

There is enough of that in the world these days. Am I to behave in such a vulgar manner with no thought of propriety, letting all of those feelings (which yes, are just and true and I have them and they are eating me up) just rush out instead of keeping them repressed, as a decent, respectable (which I'm not actually so it doesn't really apply to me but still) member of society does. Oh sure these young "millenials" everyone is going on about live their lives on Facebook, instagraming selfies, and letting every thought from the mundane to the morbid out to the world, but does that  mean we all have to?

No it doesn't. And as a mature member of society it behooves me to behave like a lady. Someone has to, these kids aren't going to do it for me. Therefore, from now on my conduct will be more what it should be, upright, decent and respectable.

Ok then don't laugh.

All my wishes.

I want a meal. I want to soak in a long hot bath. I want a miracle. I want and want and want.

Some of the things I want aren't too much to ask, I think. A fucking bath, a nice long soak to chisel all the sweat and grime and remains of a miserable and sick week.. er, however long it's been. A meal, not just food, a real meal, hot, and on a plate, with utensils. Something that fills you up properly, I want to stuff myself, just once. Asking for a miracle might seem presumptuous, but I really need one, in normal circumstances I'd ask for a bit of security, a feeling that I can relax and be comfortable where I am without always worrying about what's coming, a chance to go out and do stuff, normal stuff, fun stuff with friends, to travel, to go out for a night, to look upon the parade of cool summer events I come across every day and think "yes, that looks fun I might do that" rather than fuck that and all the people who "are interested" or "going" for having a life and not having to worry about shit that I have to worry about because I don't have a life and have to worry about shit I have to worry about and it's not fucking fair! I wish for something good, not just something that takes me out of this quagmire, if that's what it is and if it isn't I don't care because I like the word and I'm using it, but lifts me to a new, as of yet unreached level, where I can feel good and proud of myself for having done something well, and been given a lot of praise and money for it from all quarters of course, so I don't have to scroll through the achievements of often the same people having those fun times and not having the problems I have and instead of feeling happy for them I just hate them, and fuck them for doing stuff, I should be doing stuff and getting recognition for it, why are all these other people out there doing cool things, wonderful things, artistic inventive adventurous things when I'm not doing shit.

I'm not a particularly great person, you may have noticed. Still, I want things, whether I deserve them or not.

Birdy

This bird got stuck in my kitchen about a week ago. It's a tit. Either blue or great. *snickers briefly to self*



Then it flew out.

Less Sick, Still Doomed

I don't really have much to expand on that. I think I'm less sick, I sometimes feel I am then I start feeling more stuffy or coughy. I managed to get to the post office yesterday to pick up something which would have been sent back if I'd waited today. I could have done it earlier but I didn't want to, I didn't want to get it at all, I was sure it would be something to add to the pile of misery I'm dealing with. Turned out to be a neutral delivery, so I was rewarded for my effort, I suppose.

I am a bit better and I will get better, but what then? I have no prospects, no money, no future. At least not yet. The longer future probably, by the law of probability will provide me with some sort of, at least survival, after pulling myself up from severe hardship, but that's the best I can hope for. Long term prospects generally come with higher expectation, and what I can realistically hope for over the course of my coming life, is pretty disappointing. Maybe not quite drudgery and misery but, well yeah, probably that. No life, no meaning, no chance for any of my old dreams or ambitions to fruitilize. Yes I just made up a word, I'm doomed and I have no future so I can have at least that.

I mean it's not all that bad, I may be exaggerating, not on how it is or how it will be, but about the effect of it all, but right now I'm just not in the mood to put a happy face on it all.

And those kittens are still hidden away.

Happy fucking June

Tis the month of June, and in the northern hemisphere it's the beginning of summer, the lightest month with all the daylight, a time for joy and frivolity and all that shit. Unless you have a job that is particularly busy in the summer and requires you to roam about be outside in the heat which I don't then it's something else, unless you like that sort of thing which I don't but the point is moot because I don't. Have a job that is, not that sort of job or any sort.

Anyway many are happy because of all this, looking forward to swimming and singing and sizzling or whatever you do in the summer, which people tend to enjoy. I'm just sick. Well I'm not just sick, I'm still in the funk I was in, no improvements, no subsiding on the crap that was, no kittens even. I mean no kittens coming out to play. There may have been movements on some issue but I haven't done a damn thing the last 3 days.

It's a flu, I think, headcold and sore throat and stomach bug and all that crap. I'm getting over or at least momentarily getting over the upset stomach but still have a headache and burning throat. I bet you really wanted to know that. It's all I need on top of everything else. I vaguely remember whining about my shit the other day and speculating the possibilities of the next few days. One of my predictions was that more bullshit would plague me and I was right. I believe it was at the top of my list, I'm good at this, I know me and I know my life.

I'd grumble more but I've watched a lot of historical documentaries and tv the last 2 days ok mostly tv and one documentary but a lot of the stuff I watched is set in some past or future of imaginary hard time and I know my problems are not at all that bad compared to the majority of the people in the world over history. It just doesn't really make me feel any better.

waiting and waiting

Along with worrying and whining I'm waiting. Waiting for something good, waiting for life to begin again, waiting for one of these fucking increasingly rare and far between mostly crappy opportunities to actually work out, waiting for this heat to break into a full violent storm which perfectly illustrates my life at the moment and whether the breaking of the oppressive, stifling heat or the wild and destructive storm is the more fitting metaphor remains to be seen...

waiting for these kittens to come out!

You may remember, about a week ago, I posted about some new visitors. These visitors are kittens, born on a crazy night, next to me in my bed and then moved upstairs to the loft next door. I mean, not next door next door, the little upstairs bit of the other room which is now off limits to humans. So that's where they are. It was decorated with blankets and a mattress on the side by the wall in anticipation of her needing a place to give birth, and the blanket off my bed was added, so they're very cozily situated somewhere up there.

Everything calmed down a few days after they were born, Cecily stopped being so aggressive and attacking man human feet and we're able to go near the door of that room or right in the room without getting growled at.

We waited. Left mummy cat to it, and didn't think so much about the kittens, tucked up their, in their little attic. Heard little mews occasionally, very occasionally, a few times I was worried because I didn't hear anything, then I heard a bit of something, then I didn't hear anything for ages and I'd worry, then I did again, and then I didn't hear anything for 2 days.. and well, this went on.

They're just over a week old now, and until half an hour ago and hadn't definitely for sure heard anything from up there that is definitely a little baby cat, but then I did, so I know there are kittens. Or at least a kitten. And I think they know where they are, she has them tucked way away all securely, more than I thought they were which may explain why I can't see them (even when I very naughtily climbed the steps almost to the top of the loft which I really shouldn't do) or hear them very often, but the point is, they're already a week old! Kittens don't take that long to grow? When are they gonna poke out? When are they gonna start running around and playing when are they going to let us play with them? When can I get some photos of them?

I want my kittens!

not much to report on

so, I'd write but, as usual, there's nothing to say.

I feel a lot, but none of that is very interesting, or it might be to some limited demographic who like that sort of thing or at least, find that interesting, if I were to go into enough detail to make it all make enough sense in order for those sorts of people to offer any sort of useful advice, which, if I am not mistaken, and I don't think that in this case I am, is what makes personal, pouring one's heart out to the public, introspective, cry for help type writing attractive to them.

That is just one sentence there, in case you were wondering, take that Jane!*

I might write a blog post that's entirely made of one sentence one day, there's a goal to aim for. It's good to have goals, it helps when there's really not much else. In fact, maybe it's the lack of goals that's making me feel so whatever it is I am. I did 100 videos and then I decided I would alter the project in that I don't really have any sort of mission anymore I just kind of intend to do sort of regular videos. It's not the same. And the other stuff I was doing er.. yeah, whatever stuff it was. I'm not doing anymore, though I have all the time in the world, seeing as I'm not doing anything else.

The not doing anything isn't really a huge problem for me, in and of itself, not to the extend it would be for normal people. I can spend an awful lot of time doing not much at all, and very little is enough to make me sort of fulfilled at least as fulfilled as I'd be doing way more, but it's the not getting paid and wondering where I'm going to get money from and the feeling of doom that bothers me you see. And a feeling of uselessness. I don't much like feeling that there is no point to me at all, which is increasingly becoming abundantly clear.

Yes, those things bother me. I expect I'll spend the next days somewhere between a bit of to a lot of a funk, to successfully distracting myself with content accessed from the internet and feelings of something that resembles hope but isn't really but is enough like it to make it look like there's a possibility of change. Or something else. I might write about it.

*Austen, for reasons an educated person should understand so I shan't explain.

Speaking of milestones

I done 100 of these.


 I'm not sure I was talking of milestones, was I. Well here's one I mean there's one.

update: I didn't really do 100 videos as I accidentally left out #74, so this video is my 99th video. It's a sham!

update of update: I have now done 100 videos.

I think I done it.

I haven't yet, but assuming I will put an adequate number of words in this entry arranged in a manner that generally pleases me enough to hit post before the computer freezes up the electricity goes out or I die, or any other calamity that may befall me that would for any reason prevent me from posting whatever bit of writing I will end up with, I will have done it.

I will have 17 posts for this month, equal to the number I did in the entirety of last year. Of course if I don't count the photos, shameless links to videos and other posts which otherwise are devoid of any wordy content, I'm not quite there yet. If I'm not going to include the ones which are all made of words but nevertheless devoid of subject, quality, themes, that sort of thing.. I might be a while.

I'd have a drink except I don't have a drink.

And more guests arrive.

A few days ago I posted about a house guest we have, and mentioned we'd be having a few guests joining her pretty soon.

Well they're here. They arrived in the wee hours of the morning yesterday (? Saturday night so Sunday morning about 3:00, and 4:00) next to me in my bed.

It wasn't expected at all, she'd not done any of the stuff a cat is supposed to do in the 24 hours before giving birth though she was behaving oddly all day, and kind of vicious at times.

So that night, after watching some telly and turning everything off, I'm lying there with the at beside me, something she never did, jump up on the bed to join us, but she's lying there and the sounds start becoming weird, little mews and thorough cleaning. Eventually I realized yep, she's had kittens. She had 2, and then when I got up to see about but not do anything at all about a drip in the bathroom she seemed to get frazzled and confused and wanted to move her 2 kittens to the loft thingy in the other room, seeing as, a human's bed where she sleeps, not an ideal place. She moved 2, and then she went back to the bed to have another kitten. We were all in her way and freaking out because she looked all confused and trying to help her but she was kind of, viciously insanely psychotic, which didn't make it an easy night. She stayed on the bed cleaning for ages as we pleaded with her to go to her babies, then she went up and and came back and was back and forth scratching and biting out feet when the mood took her.. it wasn't an easy night.

Anyway they're now about 2 days old and she seems to have calmed down. They're living upstairs so I haven't really seen them since she moved them, though I hear a little squeaky mew every now and again, and she's going up there for some reason so I like to believe they're all ok.

Anyway, in case you wondered what was knew around here.

Festival Schmestival

Did I tell you that I live on the coolest street in Prague? Well I do. At least that's what some magazine or whatever said. The whole area is becoming more cool every day, and more expensive, ordinary schlubs like me are being slowly pushed out. This building is being fixed up and we're expected to pay for it, and I don't mean just by having to listen to the construction going on.

Anyway, this super cool street has a festival every year in May on a Saturday and this is the day. People, music, food and drink stands, dogs barking at the horror of being surrounded by so much noise and people, that sort of thing. I'm just not feeling it. When you have no friends and no money it's all a bit, well annoying. I did go down there for a while, but more for anthropological and documenting purposes than actually being a part of it. There's too many people, and if there's a halfway decent band going on the crowds watching in what is a quite narrow street make it impossible to pass. I mean you can pass, but it's a pain in the ass. So here I am, on my own, being grouchy. I think this is all I have to look forward to.

sometimes I feel like I'm drowning

not literally of course, and metaphorically either, to be honest. I mean, I'm not saying I never feel overwhelmed by stuff, bogged down, like I'm losing everything, worried, and anxious, and doomed. I do quite often, very often, and it's entirely unremarkable that I'm experiencing those feelings at the moment. Hmm, I guess that's what the metaphor means, cliched though it is.

Mostly it's an excuse to post the photo.

Back to the drawing board.

I really hate the drawing board. I'm so sick of it, give me something else already! But it doesn't matter what I do, I keep getting sent back. I'm stuck here, I might as well make myself comfortable. Put some cushions about, stick up pictures up because this is where I am.

Is it to much to ask for something to work out? Yeah it's demoralizing to get just ignored, and it pisses me off to get rejected after one correspondence, and to be offered an interview just to get the sorry, but reply afterwards,  to do a rigorous test after a successful interview just for it to turn into sorry but, after all, to pass a test, sign fucking contract and other papers, and then not hear anything and then it turns out you're on the database or there's some other round or some such other incomprehensible rubbish.

I don't like it when they ignore me, and I don't like it when they keep getting back to me for more rounds, I'm so fucking hard to please, I mean, what do I want?

Well glad you asked, what I'd like is for it all to fucking come to something. To get to the end and fucking succeed. To get fucking paid for fucks sake. Is it too much to fucking ask? I'm asking you here because I'm starting to think that I'm being unreasonable in expecting to be treated as a generally (at least kind of) worthy person who's capable of doing a fucking simple job for a bit of fucking money for fucks fucking sake.

I'm slightly peeved.

I hate conditionals.

Hate them. I mean what the fuck are they/is it/one? Is it a sentence, or part of one or whatever not my problem... and why do you have a number zero I mean, make up your mind. And modals, who the fuck cares, and what a stupid word. Who wants to get bogged down with those kinds of details, once I hear the word "modal" I'm like "Michelle is bored" and Michelle zones out.

I admit to being somewhat partial to gerunds though. Gerunds I can handle.

*doesn't mention anything about participles because this is a family blog*

*not really but still*

House guest

This is Cecily, she's staying with us. She's pregnant so we will be having a few more house guests some time soon.

No robot soy

That means I'm not a robot, translated to Czech to Spanish to French to German to English. In that exact order, or perhaps a slightly different one. Seriously though, blogger, not a robot, I told you already.

kay

More work for me to do.

I realize I made an error when I was posting my mission statement. I said I wrote 16 posts last year. I was wrong, it was 17. Totally dumb of me as it was written right there on the sidebar, where I saw it initially and was given this (admittedly unremarkable) idea.

Perhaps I remembered generally seeing it and melting the number of the year with the number of posts, I think that may be it. Anyway I was wrong and I must correct it. It is my mission to write at least 17 posts this month of May, 2017. I might just achieve it having written 8 already, and 9 if this one gets finished. Less if I only include those with actual written content and not just photos or links to videos. Less still if I only count ones that are in some way, even slightly worth banging out on a computer. If was to restrict it to those I've made some effort to write something creative in some way then I might be able to count 2. And posts with an actual subject is only one. Those with both a subject and effort put in come to 0 I'm afraid so I can't be that rigorous when counting what I write over this month. What the actual criteria are in order to succeed in this mission will be made up as I go along.

Apologies for repetition and redundancies, run on sentences and errors. I don't usually apologize for those because usually I don't have an excuse for them but today I'm tired. Not enough sleep. Fortunately I don't have anywhere I have to be, or anything I need to do, which is good when you're woken up at 8 or 9 or 7 in the morning by drilling or hammering or whatever they're doing in that flat after going to sleep when it was already blue, not so good for getting paid. I'm working on that but the world seems to be against me for the moment.

Oh I wasn't about to become all serious or anything..

or substantial. I wasn't about to start having regular posts about subjects, important stuff, world affairs or anything. nah, did it once, that'll do me for.. a while. It's back to me me me, moaning, and being silly.

 

 and shameless self promotion of my crappy videos.

I'm not being falsely modest here, they are pretty crappy, in fact I think they're getting worse, all of them could have a slightly higher quality if I spent just a little more time with editing and going back and reshooting when something isn't quite right but I just can't be assed. And really, the effort it would take to do that extra, minimal as it may be, wouldn't translate into enough of an overall improvement in the aggregate (again I think I'm using that word, whatever it really means, entirely inaccurately, but I still want to use it) to make it worth it. And no one watches them anyway which is fine really, it would be kind of embarrassing if people did.

We might be in with a chance.

The rain falls as the weekend rolls along. Today is Den vítězství or Liberation or Victory Day, the day we celebrate kicking the nazis out on their asses at the end of WWII. It used to be celebrated on the 9th, to commemorate the day the Red Army showed up to liberate/help with the process of liberating, but they changed it in 1989 to suit the new politics of the time. Along with other nations, also celebrated in France, and they, in a manner entirely appropriate for the holiday and time of year, as well as for being basic decent humans, voted against electing a far right nationalist in their recent election. I quite approve. So good on em. Could this just mean the trend is broken? Might we not be quite doomed yet? Time can only tell, but take note rest of world, please don't fuck up now.

Stuck in the middle of nothing.

It's another long weekend here in a string of long weekends. It makes not much difference to me, in my room on my computer, except that I wait longer for the world to turn back on.

Longer to not know what is to become of me. Just when I thought I was out of the woods. Not that I know what's so bad about the woods, I think the woods are quite nice, but I suppose that they traditionally
have wolves and other predators that I'd be better off keeping a safe distance from, so I should get out of them. I tried, and I thought I'd succeeded but, to inject other oft used metaphor, I counted my chickens which were very close or seemed about to hatch. They didn't, I mean they might still but it's taking time.

Really it was too good to be true, I succeeded in no less than 3 things in quite a short amount of time, with other opportunities in the background, which turned out not to work out, but by the time I knew that I had a few other notches under my belt (sorry, I think that one is both inappropriate and incorrect as well as being overkill) so I was able to throw off a couple of rejections with a pragmatic shrug. I got lazy (not a huge deviation for me) and didn't scour the internet for more opportunities with quite the gusto I had been, because well, I didn't need to anymore.

And now I sit here, waiting, wondering if any of it will actually turn into anything. I have anywhere between one and 6 jobs, if you include stuff that I've done and could do but probably won't again very soon, stuff that I do occasionally, stuff that I might do occasionally if I get lucky, something I did and thought I'd be invited to do again sooner than the time between then and now, 2 things I've negotiated and communicated about but haven't done yet and... that's it really. And the one that I most confidently say I have, that's not a sure thing.

So who knows. I could be doomed. It sounds bad but I've been doomed before and I seem to have survived it.

Splash of Colour

I assure you, that I am most certainly, under no circumstances, a robot.

I may have some characteristics in common with what is generally thought of as a robot. I walk upright, I have hands, I speak English. I'm even able to solve problems, and the odd equation, all on my own without any extra technology. However... I'm not a robot. Despite being upright I have a soft, squishy sort of form, which bleeds when pricked, and needs food for fuel. I speak in lilting, uneven tones, and well, to be honest, to solve any more than the most simple of equations takes me time and usually some help. I like music, I cry, I breathe. Basically I'm an organic being. A sentient kind of the genius homo and the subspecies homo sapien sapien. I had to look that up in order to be certain I'd get it right, and not look stupid. That is very uncharacteristic of a robot for at least 3 different reasons.

Now you (that is the universal "you") know. And specifically blogger, the site I am writing on now, on the blog created by and signed in with password by me, this non robot human person. I've given ample evidence for myself not being a robot, so you don't have to keep asking me.. kay? Oh and by the way, even if I was, then it's still my blog and as already mentioned I already signed in so, trust me, I'm me.

Glad we settled that.

My mission.

I'm here to write about writing, for what else would I write about? Well, stuff, hopefully, but not yet.

Last year, the year of our Lord 2016 I wrote a total of 16 posts. For the whole year. This year has been more productive as far as the blog goes, and I think I've passed last year's total already, possible did about a month ago, so there's not much to aim for with that, but one thing I can do is aim to beat last year's total in one month. I'm not going to promise to post every day of this month, I'm already doing that with the video thing, and that's full of useless filler videos with the occasional somewhat thought out and time consumingly edited useless cheesy video and I don't need quite so much of that in written form, so I'll go with about half of that. I will write at least 16 times during this month of May, 2017.

That's all I wanted to say.

Productiveness

I plan to write. One may say well, yeah, what's the blog for, and yes of course, in this here blog, as well as posting photos and occasional video, I write. I don't write a whole lot, and even with that it would not be incorrect to say that the stronger point of the blog is with quantity, as opposed to quality. As the quantity isn't really all that strong a point.. you see where I'm going.

I'd like to write more good, that's a clear thing, but to write good, just like with doing everything else good, you got to practice, so that's what I'm doing. No need to read, just like there's no need to watch my videos much for the same reason, but I'm gonna write all the same. I'll keep going until I get good, and hopefully will inspire myself and actually have subjects and stuff, sound knowledgeable, inject some wit, lie awake at night coming up with something brilliant, word for word and then write it up the next day having forgotten most of the words but nevertheless, it's there.

Until I get to that point, you gotta put up with a lot of drivel. Or don't, doesn't really matter.

Happy May

It's a holiday again. The first day o' May, and I was working all day. Ok ok, don't fall off your chair, I was really working. Real hard type work, standing serving people, making sandwiches and stuff. Well just sandwiches, and only partially making them. Taking money, ringing the thing into the thing even though I didn't know what people ordered most of the time. Apparently I did ok, I felt I was flustered and floundering and forgetful, which I was but first day yanno. This might be a thing I could be doing semi regularly, along with teaching, proofreading, acting sometimes even and modelling. Yes, I'm a model, did I tell you that? Not a real one, don't be silly, just one who gets her kit off for an art class. It's something, and it's money.

Between the lot of them, or at least between the ones that have some chance of continuing and being done with some regularity, along with whatever else might come along if I keep looking, I'll probably be ok. Not great but ok.

I'm gonna have to be ok with ok for the moment. Greatness comes later.

the stench of scorched flesh...

drifts through the air..

for tonight is the Burning Of The Witches.

Today, they don't burn actual witches ie actual real people at least not officially ad not legally. Hopefully not at all, it's just an effigy. It's an old end of winter/coming of summer ritual that dates back to Pagan times when people burnt bonfires to scare away evil spirits and say goodbye and hearty fuck you for a least a couple of months to winter.

Then the Christians came along and had to twist it to their liking, so they thought, hmmm, what's evil.. I know? Witches, they're women and they're into Satan and they're currently our representation of (insert hated Empire)/(queen/queen consort/King's mistress)/Catholics/Protestants etc... and we burn them. So they went with that.

People still do it and it's a bit of a lark and excuse to stay out all night with bonfires,very popular with the young people. I personally am not impressed. I've always been kind of on the witches side. To be honest, I never believed any of those people really cursed anyone, and really, even if they did, I bet they had a good reason, and of course most of the victims were women, pagans, poor and destitute, weird and outsiders, sure some of them were actually kind of assholes, but burning? really, and hanging as well, for the crime of being old and unpopular and maybe a bit of a crook but not that bad of one. Not good medieval/post medieval reformation era/later if you're in America people!

So I'm here, in my room, not partaking.

And another thing! You have a festival that marks the end of winter/beginning of spring on the last day of April! I mean shit how long to we have to wait for the start of spring? You've got the equinox, then you got Easter then you have May.. I mean, you're just tempting fate. Let's just have an equinox festival and be done with it, everything after that can be called something else, say it's for the berries or something but you keep up with this shit you'll have frozen ground til June. Don't want that.

Writing home

Again, I've got nothing to write home about, but nevertheless..

I've written quite a lot this month, relative to how much I have in the last months, years, this whole decade? Still not a lot, but more than usual. Way back in my early days of blogging I used to write much more. It was mostly drivel, actually exactly the sort of stuff I write not, just more, and oftener. I did write a few pieces which I was proud of, and whenever I look back on years ago I remember it as a golden age where I had ideas all the time and a variety of subjects I would share with the world. I would lament the lack of any inspiration, wondering how I ever managed to be so prolific, and not half bad at that.

Back in the day, I used to get ideas late at night, I'd latch onto something and in my head I'd write a whole post, complete with witty lines and clever jokes. The next day, I'd put off writing it down because it seemed like so much pressure, and finally I'd get it done, sure that I'd forgotten all the best details and it never seemed as good as I thought it was the night before, but still, a pretty decent piece of writing.

Then I stopped writing so much, and this didn't happen again for like, years. I thought the magic was gone. I was no longer a (sort of, in the broadest sense, if you're extremely generous on what constitutes one) writer.

Well the other night, inf act around easter just before my good Friday post it happened again. The result is here, or at least partly here, I came up with that in my head, as well as another bit that I half intended to write later, but never got around to. Whether it's all that good is up to the reader, and if it's not worth writing down well that could be due to the missing bit and the fact that all the best details weren't in it because I forget them by the time I wrote them down but the point is it happened! After, possibly 10 years, at least once I had this idea at night, words, sentences, phrases all there. It's not gone, not completely. And if it happened once it might again.

I just need to write more. Writing puts me in the mood for more writing and coming up with things to write about gives me more ideas of things to write about, and if I do it a lot, it gets the brain in that mode. In order to be able to write, I need to write. So here I write, and I will continue to write, and write more, and then some more.

If I could only figure out exactly what to write about.

Busy Holiday

'twas the festival of fertility and rebirth, or if you like, dead guy on a stick day (was that it) or as I like to call it and will continue hammering on about until I tire of it or forget it, which likely will be soon, Zombie Appreciation Day. Or it still is, I'm not sue of the status of Easter Tuesday, if that even is a thing, here or anywhere else. Anyway, Holiday. And oh how busy I've been! Sort of. Though I didn't actually go to work or do any work or do anything related to the organizing of future work that will bring much needed money that has more or less run out (both any work I seemed to be doing and the money) and it would be in my defense to state that it was a holiday and there's not so many opportunities for job seeking around at a time like this except it doesn't make much more than the slightest difference considering the sort of work I do if I ever get around to doing it, where I am and the resources I use to get that information, so only little excuses only there. What I have been doing is cleaning my room, oh wait I procrastinated but I actually did it the next day, I spoke like a ghost and I ate garlic, and lemon. Apart from that not much apart from the usual flupping around on the internet and watching tv.

Yes they are all shameless links to my videos. Don't watch them though, they're dumb.

The day o' the rising

otherwise known as Zombie Acceptance Day

Happy Easter

It's Good

On this.. well not on this day, what do you call it when you celebrate a day that represents something that was supposed to happen at a certain time adjacent to another holiday that's based on the phases of the moon or the tides or something? Well that, on this that, Jesus our alleged Lord and Saviour, supposedly died a slow and agonizing death on the cross.

Now if you've read enough of the posts on this blog that have any coherent thought to them (admittedly that does narrow things down a bit) then you'll know that I'm rather skeptical that this event ever happened, and indeed that there ever really was a Jesus, if that's even his real name, but nevertheless, that is supposedly why we celebrate this holiday of Easter.

It's really a brilliant bit of PR by the Catholic church to name the whatever you call it versary of that day Good Friday. I think it goes something like being crucified allowed Jesus to die so he could rise and go to Heaven and and thus be able to provide salvation (finally) for sinners, which is all people, who were pretty much born guilty. Something along the lines of Jesus died on the cross which paid for everyone's sins, eg existing as we're born sinners and all that so ta Jesus, was swell of you. I mean you still have to jump through some hoops to get it, and which hoops differ according to who you ask, but this, as far as I know (which admittedly isn't a whole lot) is why the whatever it is of the day of Jesus' rather grim death, is called "Good".

Have a good day.

A Modest Thought

Earlier today, as I posed before an art class, in all my fabulous glory, looking past the young artists swishing their paint across their canvas through the window at the spring blossoms and spires of the magnificent St Vitus Cathedral at the Castle, here in Prague , Czech republic, or Czechia if you prefer, I thought to myself, along with the thought "ooh it's a wee bit nippy in here" that I may well be literally the most Bohemian person in existence.

I don't imagine there's any money in that, unfortunately.

Plugging along

I'm still going with my for want of a better word project, which is, to upload a video every day. I've passed the 50 mark and I had a beer for a celebration of that. I'm tentatively pleased with my sorta success, I mean, I've done one every day, haven't managed to upload every single one the same day but I mostly have, some of the videos are kind of interesting but mostly they're quite forgettable, and the quality is what you'd expect from a crappy digital camera with no extra equipment, or particular skill on the part of the video maker so it's a mixed bag of... stuff.

I was kind of hoping by this point that the videos would be, if not good at least not too embarrassing and occasionally quite good at least in presentation of a good idea or even better, my unmatchable wit and charm but even my vanity (the part of me that is uncensored by the modesty I present to the world) can't claim that. They're just a bunch of videos done quickly, for myself for my own purposes and they're not particularly bad for what they are.

My limitations, some which I've already mentioned, lack of experience, training, equipment, sometimes even time on the card when I'm filming out and about all contribute to the lack of anything to write home about so far. Other things may include my lack of ability to do anything great, which I must realistically admit as a possibility, but one reason I know doesn't help is my damned laziness. I mean, I'm motivated enough to go through with this idea and to stick to it, but not quite enough to do anything properly, most of my recent vids, and well, the majority of the last 51 (52 if you count today's as yet unedited) have been the best idea I could come up with that would take the least effort. In a way it's a microcosm for the story of my life, but in this case it's keeping me from greatness, or slightly better than I am ness.

I have many ideas, some which I think are quite good, some which won't (and haven't) look as good on video as in my head but I have them, ideas for series, more important stuff, but my laziness and this weird anxiety(there it is again) that keeps me from pushing slightly out of my weird wobbly comfort zone stop me from filming them. Maybe I'm afraid exactly of that, the ideas coming out looking flat and dull, maybe I don't want to use what is actually a good idea until I'm ready to do justice to it. Maybe it's all these things. It's all these things. That's too many things. No wonder I can't get anything done. Not true I'm getting it done I'm just not getting it done well. Oh well 52 videos (assuming I upload one today) is nothing to sneeze at. Why would you sneeze at a video anyway? That would be ludicrous.

I like the rain.

I like the rain, but I don't like it when it's raining. I like the spring but it rains too much, besides all that sunshine and light and beauty makes me feel like I should go out there and experience life, and for the most part I'd like to stay here, cozy and alone with just my computer for company. And sometimes a guitar, and it'd be nice to have a cat around to occasionally cuddly up to me but that's it. Some human companionship after so many hours but that's it. If I didn't have anywhere to go ever that's all I'd do, be here, reading, writing, watching stuff, taking some photos and shooting videos although for the last 2 I give myself the pressure to actually go somewhere that isn't here in order to create them, but if I wasn't really into those, and didn't ever have to then I'd never go anywhere until it got to the point where I can't stand being here doing nothing seeing no one anymore while simultaneously being so entropied both physically and emotionally that my anxiety of the outside world makes me unable to experience it. At least, I think so, I haven't gotten quite that far yet before there was a need to go somewhere, maybe it would.

Why am I telling you this? Well, why not, I've got a blog, might as well throw something up there.

It's just too much work!

It's April the 1st. This is a day of foolishness, frivolity, fakeness and falsity. It's the day when you just can't trust anything anyone says. When we all try to one up each other on how clever and elaborate our pranks can get.

Well bugger it. Can't do it. In years past I've had the need, due to my mildly OCD need to dorkily follow time sensitive themes, I always felt I had to do at least something, on this most silly of days, to partake in the revelry. I've done some elaborate ones, mostly not but I always and by always I mean sometimes, acknowedge it. This year it's too much. Can't think of anything, can't be bothered, it's not just the blog, there's flickr, and Facebook and now I'm doing this video project and it's all too much. I mean I did this photo..



of me being silly, and a video that kind of goes with it, and mentioned something on Facebook that no one paid attention to but that's it! This day means nothing to me.

What I've been doing..

with my time.



*whistles*

A Professional

I don't really know who I am at the moment. I feel myself in these positions I feel I'm not supposed to be, if I think about it at all which I usually don't, but the feeling that it's time again to put my thoughts down right here has brought it up.

It's like, I meet this guy who's my student for English and act like I know something about it and I don't think about it too much during one of our lessons but every now and again I'm there like, "wait, what is it I'm supposed to be doing here?" I mean, I speak English, I talk it pretty good, as it happens but every now again again he brings up past continuous or continuous present or one of those things and the feeling comes back to me. It seems to be going ok though, for the moment, I might even be pretty good as a teacher, by nature. Or not.

I found myself at 5am the other morning, waiting in a tent to do some, whatever for an ad that I got cast in at the last moment, just as an extra, my lack of getting any real acting opportunities for a real professional shoot continues, but it was nice to chosen for this, or not so nice but I didn't yet again have to go through the experience of being somehow not good enough or suitable for something that literally any idiot of any age or any look can do. It has happened, many many times.

So I did it, danced a bit, waited around a lot and tried to keep myself warm for most of the time and got paid. Not so much but it's money I wouldn't have had otherwise and I need that. I don't think I'll be answering any more 5am calls though, at least not until the oppressive heat of summer, and even then... 5am? Are they mad?

I got some photos done yesterday, real proper photos with a good camera and lighting and all that. It's something I haven't had for years and it's something I need if I want to look vaguely professional as an actor, hence the title here. It's a small thing, I  don't have any professional experience or a huge amount of other experience or a showreel or enough material (not to say I haven't been in enough things to have quite an extensive and possibly decent looking showreel, but these students who make up 100 or more percent of the directors of these things, are not always too helpful in making the footage available) to make one. bit I will hopefully soon have a proper headshot, and that might make a tiny difference.

Of course, I haven't really seen the photos properly yet so maybe I will hate all of them, in fact, probably. They've been taken by a professional photographer and they will more than any other photos I have, really look like me. That's the problem there, whatever else I have, whatever accessories I come up with to help me with my "career" I'm still stuck with me. There's nothing I can do about that.

a bit of moaning for a change

I feel the need for a little glamour in my life. Or at least hot water.. oh to have lovely flowing golden hair... to feel worthy of puttin on something nice, that looks nice and is.. nice, even on these gloomy so called Spring days.

The hot water situation continues. In case you don't know what I'm talking about on account of a) not having read where I wrote that, or b) because I didn't write that, well we got no hot water here. And no heat and no working stove which actually does matter just as much as the hot water being off but not what I'm focusing on now. It's been weeks. It's vexing. I'm simultaneously used to it and utterly sick of it.

I have washed in that time, either kettle baths or at the pools but it's not the same. I'm a 21st century Westerner living in as civilized part of the world as any, I guess, I shouldn't be having these problems. I should be whining about a computer that keeps jamming or about the weather, which I am, but I shouldn't have to be dealing with this too! No fair.

Sprung!

It's Spring.

Up and down.

It's been an interesting time, these past few weeks. The situation here is not spectacular, it could even be called dire, but if one was to interpret it as living the true "Bohemian" life as an artist complete with being scruffy and poor then one might find it charming. One doesn't, unfortunately.

There is the good that balances out all this suffering. A few interesting, some complimentary, some not but vaguely promising messages and a very strange phone call from someone, somewhere who's doing something and wants me to be in it, I think, from what I gathered all add up to something being on the horizon.

Of course, the horizon is over there and if all of these individual long shots or utter scams don't add up to anything, I don't have anything but my one student and occasional life modeling class, and it's back to the proverbial drawing board to see what else I could potentially do. But it's still nice to be told that we want you for our tv show, no matter how weird  it all is, or we love your photos they're spectacular, if it will only gain me a credit, or can you send a better photo than your "selfie" after not having replied to you for 2 months is still nice, if it's all you ever get.

Stuff I've done.

This month.

Ride the metro, make coffee in the microwave, teach English, make videos, write a blog post (as of completion of this one) minutely improve my skill at video editing or at least increase my knowledge (of said editing), play the guitar, study French, eat toastie sausages with microwave eggs, sing.. albeit badly, bathe in a bucket, apply for and get ignored and a few times replied to and then rejected for several employment positions, compose and perform a song, take photos of a window and eat Chinese food.

I did some other stuff too but I didn't feel it was worth mentioning.

Popping in.

Well it's already the end of the second month, doesn't time fly, and other cliches, too numerous to mention?

Well not literally, but it does seem like it goes faster than it is. Even if you have a lot of it, which as it happens, I do.

Starting another round of "what the hell next?" That's to add to the general life "what do I do next to change and improve circumstances, whatever the present circumstances are because they just don't ever to be quite ideal", and the more timely "what am I going to do?" with a "don't have anything on the immediate horizon". "And it's quite vexing".

I've been slightly busy doing a few films (student kind as always) recently, as I was just starting one I was running to the meeting with the director of another so looking forward to that and then doing that let me take my mind off the fact that, I don't really know what to do, longish term. Now that one's done so it's on my mind again.

Thought you might like to know.

A photo..

of snow. You're welcome.

JMG

January is a shit month. It's winter, it's the wind down after the festive season, it's back to work time, it's dark all the time, except for where it isn't but it is here so there.

It's just shit. Crap month, everyone's depressed, everything downhill. It's the 31st today which means it ends tomorrow, technically in 8 1/2 hours in my time zone. It'll all be over, it will be gone. For another year.

So that will be it, except reality isn't really like that, and when things are shit and a new epoch begins it doesn't necessarily mean things will somehow start to shine it just means that even more time has gone since you've earned any money and all the stuff you auditioned or applied for that you hoped would be replied to by the end of the month is officially not happening  and that it's time for the utilities to be sorted out (or not if you can't sort them out because it's so long since you've earned money) and it's time, I mean really time this time, not time like the other times when you said it was time to actually get off your ass and get shit done not like the other times and getting off your ass isn't only deeply unpleasant it's proving to be utterly ineffective and a wall of rejection well not even rejection just blank space is greeting you and the outlook for the future looks dimmer as every minute passes. At least it does if you're me and I am so it is.

Anyway, I've been in kind of a funk, in case you didn't notice.

We got snow

We got a bit, it faded or melted or something, it snowed more, then that melted and I think it's been doing both those things again since, maybe a few times. I, of course, took some photos at some point.

    

We Go Again

Happy 2017, yay. New year, new.. number on the end of the date. Ok so it's sort of means something, if only because it means something to us because it means something to us, therefore it's meaningful. Whatever the reason, this is of course when people get healthy for a while, go back to work and all that. Re-evaluate their lives and plan to finally get on with it, whatever it is, "resolutions" sometimes. I don't have any resolutions. At least I didn't write down any specific ones, or say it out loud, so I don't have any to fail to keep. I do have a slightly higher determination to do the stuff I always intend to do, every year, every couple of months, every month, whether it's of the "get a job" variety the times when I don't already have them, ie now, most of the time, "get a better job" when I have one, "do better at my job", "quit my job" a lot of work related ones, usually to do with being displeased with my current status of it. Then there's acting, music the stuff I've always wanted to do and am still aspiring at in these er.. autumn years of my life, is it autumn, or could I still pass for being in late summer? I think August is about where I am. Anyway I'm rambling, maybe I should stop doing that *writes idea down*, but I have made some small achievements. I practiced the guitar a bit today, and did my half assed language training that I do most days and I cleaned the shit out of this computer and I don't want to get ahead of myself but I think, really think I maybe have kind of fixed a problem that's been pissing me off for months. *fingers crossed that it takes* So yeah, New Year and all, couldn't not chime in seeing as I have a habit of doing these timely, themely things. So Happy New Year. Hope it's the start of something beautiful.