Wednesday, March 29, 2017

A Professional

I don't really know who I am at the moment. I feel myself in these positions I feel I'm not supposed to be, if I think about it at all which I usually don't, but the feeling that it's time again to put my thoughts down right here has brought it up.

It's like, I meet this guy who's my student for English and act like I know something about it and I don't think about it too much during one of our lessons but every now and again I'm there like, "wait, what is it I'm supposed to be doing here?" I mean, I speak English, I talk it pretty good, as it happens but every now again again he brings up past continuous or continuous present or one of those things and the feeling comes back to me. It seems to be going ok though, for the moment, I might even be pretty good as a teacher, by nature. Or not.

I found myself at 5am the other morning, waiting in a tent to do some, whatever for an ad that I got cast in at the last moment, just as an extra, my lack of getting any real acting opportunities for a real professional shoot continues, but it was nice to chosen for this, or not so nice but I didn't yet again have to go through the experience of being somehow not good enough or suitable for something that literally any idiot of any age or any look can do. It has happened, many many times.

So I did it, danced a bit, waited around a lot and tried to keep myself warm for most of the time and got paid. Not so much but it's money I wouldn't have had otherwise and I need that. I don't think I'll be answering any more 5am calls though, at least not until the oppressive heat of summer, and even then... 5am? Are they mad?

I got some photos done yesterday, real proper photos with a good camera and lighting and all that. It's something I haven't had for years and it's something I need if I want to look vaguely professional as an actor, hence the title here. It's a small thing, I  don't have any professional experience or a huge amount of other experience or a showreel or enough material (not to say I haven't been in enough things to have quite an extensive and possibly decent looking showreel, but these students who make up 100 or more percent of the directors of these things, are not always too helpful in making the footage available) to make one. bit I will hopefully soon have a proper headshot, and that might make a tiny difference.

Of course, I haven't really seen the photos properly yet so maybe I will hate all of them, in fact, probably. They've been taken by a professional photographer and they will more than any other photos I have, really look like me. That's the problem there, whatever else I have, whatever accessories I come up with to help me with my "career" I'm still stuck with me. There's nothing I can do about that.


Anonymous said...

Hey, that's been my regular gripe for most of the years I've been striving to achieve something, tending to complain that I "get in the way of myself". Now I use it creatively (cunningly) to appear wise to gullible females (does that make me a bad person?) by telling them - no matter how far you travel, or how frequently you fuck your minds via various substances, you always take yourself with you! Sounds cool doesn't i t? You in awe of me yet? Chuckle :)

Do you mean when teaching English you suddenly fell inauthentic? That you're a sham in some way? I know that feeling. I had it for 17 years or more in the IT industry. I just couldn't identify with the work, and saw the others as special kinds of people (in the main, deadly boring). Anyway, credit to you for actually teaching English. Occasionally, I get Eastern European students (female) asking me to either help them with their English, or, and this is more frequent, proof-read and correct their written English projects! I always refuse, regardless of their eyelid batting! I wouldn't feel comfortable, and besides, I don't really know the rules of English, I learned most of it via reading and chatting, with very little learned in the classroom. No doubt you had the same experience.

Good luck with the photos, maybe they'll help. Any chance you'll post one or two? :)

Michelle said...

I never learned English properly either, I guess it's just not done in normal school, you learn a few grammar rules then they give you books to read and study. That's how I remember it anyway. All the English teachers I know, and there are a lot here, know all those rules, but I think they learned them all in their course for teaching. I never did that course so I'm not really a qualified teacher, I just meet for conversation, and every now and again, this guy tries to get me to explain why you can say a certain thing because it's against the rule or whatever, and I just have to try and divert him the best I can rather than just say "no fucking idea", which is the case. And he asks me for an example of "past continuous" or one of them things that goes with that and I can't answer it. So I say hey, this is conversation, leave the fucking rules somewhere else, or at least that's what I say in my head, in voice I say something a little milder, or just go back to what we were talking about before. I'm trying to learn this stuff, it's all online if you want to study but it's so damn boring I can't keep with it.

So yeah that's one of the things I'm doing. Not much else, one of my films just got cancelled, not because of anything I had control over but it's annoying. Another possibility just fell through and I got rejected from it before I even got to check it out properly so not sure what I'll do for a base income, unless these headshots give me that lift with the agencies that they actually send me for castings and then it turns out I really am dazzling and brilliant and get some nice highly paid professional roles. I'd like that. I'm not expecting that but that's would be the ideal turnout.

Like your new post, good to see you back in the game, however briefly ;)

Anonymous said...

Are you aware of being an authentic aspiring actress? I've met a lot of different people online, but never one like you, so bear in mind that others might find you dead cool!

I'll certainly try to write more frequently.

Michelle said...

well I wasn't aware but it's good to know that I'm believable as something ;)

Anonymous said...

You mean... it's all been an act? Wow! You're fucking brilliant! :)