Wednesday, July 05, 2017

Everywhere, all the time.

I'm so tired of being reminded of all my failures. Failures, rejections, disappointments, all of it. It's just all always there. A place I have to look at, people I see who knows someone who knows this person, words, images, fucking Facebook!

If there were some triumphs to balance it out, it might be bearable, but triumph is something I cannot claim, not realistically. As far as stuff that works out sometimes, there's just not enough of it. Not enough to counter the negatives and not even enough to distract me from the fact that there's all this stuff out there, that I tried and failed at. Or never got the chance to try.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it always being like this, and the only change is more cringeworthy unpleasant memories to add to the long long list of stuff I'd like to avoid for the rest of my life but staying out of the world (easy enough) avoiding nearly everyone I've ever met (also surprisingly doable) and staying off the internet (eeek) is just not possible.

At least there's kitties, riotous crazy kitties in this crazy cat house. They're very distracting, in fact I'm not even thinking about the other thing that has me so worried, whatever it is.

4 comments:

lekkerman said...

Maybe, just maybe, seeking what you consider to be "success", is your real problem? From an outsider's view, you're an attractive, intelligent, articulate, and in good health too, I assume? So that's a lot to be thankful for, before you even consider "achievement". Maybe you could try easing off with the goal-oriented approach and take time out to appreciate the process of living, to sniff the roses, so to speak!

Then of course, you could just tell me to go fuck myself.... after all, I don't have to walk in your shoes!

Michelle said...

You are right. The things that get me green with envy are a matter of comparing myself with certain people, and discounting a lot of things that I have achieved while making a big deal about other stuff which sometimes is at least as small a deal as the things I've done.

I mean, I do have real problems right now, job money that sort of things (rather lack of) that does contribute to the feeling of being an utter failure, which on the one hand, is actually quite serious, but on the other, I don't care about that stuff as much, I mean, yeah I need an income, but my self worth isn't too tied up in being a reliable full time worker plodding along being responsible and stuff. I mean it is a little, when I realize what a failure I am at it. Where was I? Oh yeah, what really gets me, when I'm not blocking out the reality and being distracted by kittens, is that I'm nowhere near as far as I want to be in the world of the arts, and if I didn't know anyone who'd done much, I'd be thrilled with all the student films I do and some of the crude few and far between self projects I've done. Maybe not thrilled, I'd still be frustrated that I can't get further, but I'd be pleased.

Or maybe I wouldn't be. One thing is for sure is if I had what those people have, I'd be in the vicinity of people who have more, and I'd want that, and be pissed off that I don't have it.

I don't feel like this all the time, sometimes when things are going ok or I'm busy it doesn't hit me as much, but right now I have way too much time on my hands, and too much stuff to block out so I have to focus on something. Fortunately, kittens. So it's not so bad.

lekkerman said...

Well, seems I needn't have offered what suspiciously looked like advice. Apologies for that. And by the way, I didn't mean to imply that I've finally found the secret to the "content life", because I aint. For sure, I've given up on setting goals, but all it leaves is a nagging feeling that there must be something more to life. I can't even drink my cares away due to having developed what might be called, "a common sense towards drinking", which means knowing exactly when to stop. Boring!

Michelle said...

Advice is alright, it's nice to be reminded that I kinda seem alright to someone somewhere, sorta. And congrats on sensible drinking, that I've been told is a good thing, by people who know that sort of thing so they must be right. It's good.