Monday, June 05, 2017

All my wishes.

I want a meal. I want to soak in a long hot bath. I want a miracle. I want and want and want.

Some of the things I want aren't too much to ask, I think. A fucking bath, a nice long soak to chisel all the sweat and grime and remains of a miserable and sick week.. er, however long it's been. A meal, not just food, a real meal, hot, and on a plate, with utensils. Something that fills you up properly, I want to stuff myself, just once. Asking for a miracle might seem presumptuous, but I really need one, in normal circumstances I'd ask for a bit of security, a feeling that I can relax and be comfortable where I am without always worrying about what's coming, a chance to go out and do stuff, normal stuff, fun stuff with friends, to travel, to go out for a night, to look upon the parade of cool summer events I come across every day and think "yes, that looks fun I might do that" rather than fuck that and all the people who "are interested" or "going" for having a life and not having to worry about shit that I have to worry about because I don't have a life and have to worry about shit I have to worry about and it's not fucking fair! I wish for something good, not just something that takes me out of this quagmire, if that's what it is and if it isn't I don't care because I like the word and I'm using it, but lifts me to a new, as of yet unreached level, where I can feel good and proud of myself for having done something well, and been given a lot of praise and money for it from all quarters of course, so I don't have to scroll through the achievements of often the same people having those fun times and not having the problems I have and instead of feeling happy for them I just hate them, and fuck them for doing stuff, I should be doing stuff and getting recognition for it, why are all these other people out there doing cool things, wonderful things, artistic inventive adventurous things when I'm not doing shit.

I'm not a particularly great person, you may have noticed. Still, I want things, whether I deserve them or not.

5 comments:

lekkerman said...

It sounds like your predicament is serious. Certainly more serious than I thought. Are you totally skint and without food?

Michelle said...

Well I'm not quite out on the street begging if that's what you're asking, which is not what you're asking because your question is right there for me to see, but I'm a bit worried about the money situation. It's not like I don't eat, but we have limited cooking facilities here, also related to money issues, that makes it more difficult to cook up something big and filling, and somehow I don't really ever eat enough. It's not that I couldn't, but I never seem to. If any of that answers your question.

lekkerman said...

I think I understand. It bothers me though, especially as I can't help. I do hope things improve.

Michelle said...

Thanks, they will. Well they might. I mean they have to. I don't really know.

lekkerman said...

:-(