Monday, May 29, 2017

not much to report on

so, I'd write but, as usual, there's nothing to say.

I feel a lot, but none of that is very interesting, or it might be to some limited demographic who like that sort of thing or at least, find that interesting, if I were to go into enough detail to make it all make enough sense in order for those sorts of people to offer any sort of useful advice, which, if I am not mistaken, and I don't think that in this case I am, is what makes personal, pouring one's heart out to the public, introspective, cry for help type writing attractive to them.

That is just one sentence there, in case you were wondering, take that Jane!*

I might write a blog post that's entirely made of one sentence one day, there's a goal to aim for. It's good to have goals, it helps when there's really not much else. In fact, maybe it's the lack of goals that's making me feel so whatever it is I am. I did 100 videos and then I decided I would alter the project in that I don't really have any sort of mission anymore I just kind of intend to do sort of regular videos. It's not the same. And the other stuff I was doing er.. yeah, whatever stuff it was. I'm not doing anymore, though I have all the time in the world, seeing as I'm not doing anything else.

The not doing anything isn't really a huge problem for me, in and of itself, not to the extend it would be for normal people. I can spend an awful lot of time doing not much at all, and very little is enough to make me sort of fulfilled at least as fulfilled as I'd be doing way more, but it's the not getting paid and wondering where I'm going to get money from and the feeling of doom that bothers me you see. And a feeling of uselessness. I don't much like feeling that there is no point to me at all, which is increasingly becoming abundantly clear.

Yes, those things bother me. I expect I'll spend the next days somewhere between a bit of to a lot of a funk, to successfully distracting myself with content accessed from the internet and feelings of something that resembles hope but isn't really but is enough like it to make it look like there's a possibility of change. Or something else. I might write about it.

*Austen, for reasons an educated person should understand so I shan't explain.

4 comments:

lekkerman said...

You didn't have to tell me that you "feel". I've always known this without having to be told. To me, your style of writing screams - THIS IS JUST A FRONT! But I've always respected your right to keep your emotional business to yourself, after all, I'm not dissimilar when it comes to talking about myself. Anyway, where you're concerned I tend to go with the flow and not pry, or at least, I think that's what I do. But if ever you do open up, I'm sure I'll still read your posts and no doubt I'll comment, but I'll be wary of giving advice, just listening is the main thing.

Michelle said...

Yes, this is true, I'm not against advice it's just most of it doesn't help a lot. It's like, think positive, or try these things that are kind of obvious and I've already done and failed or.. I dunno, something that doesn't fix what the problem is.. also, I feel like I'm making too much of something when people try to help and I feel kind of guilty. It's better to just pour it out and have someone listening or reading, either I know about it or not but it helps a bit.

Yeah, anyway.

lekkerman said...

I tend to hate advice. Like you, I'm probably already aware of the advice they're offering anyway, but it's not even that that bothers me, it's the condescending nature of it. I have this issue with advice, to a fault, and on one occasion not so long ago, I accused a Doctor of patronising me. Well.... what the fuck do they know? :)

Michelle said...

yeah well, them doctors, acting like they know everything about.. medicine and stuff.. who do they think they are?

well.. Dr whoever but still.