Back to the drawing board.

I really hate the drawing board. I'm so sick of it, give me something else already! But it doesn't matter what I do, I keep getting sent back. I'm stuck here, I might as well make myself comfortable. Put some cushions about, stick up pictures up because this is where I am.

Is it to much to ask for something to work out? Yeah it's demoralizing to get just ignored, and it pisses me off to get rejected after one correspondence, and to be offered an interview just to get the sorry, but reply afterwards,  to do a rigorous test after a successful interview just for it to turn into sorry but, after all, to pass a test, sign fucking contract and other papers, and then not hear anything and then it turns out you're on the database or there's some other round or some such other incomprehensible rubbish.

I don't like it when they ignore me, and I don't like it when they keep getting back to me for more rounds, I'm so fucking hard to please, I mean, what do I want?

Well glad you asked, what I'd like is for it all to fucking come to something. To get to the end and fucking succeed. To get fucking paid for fucks sake. Is it too much to fucking ask? I'm asking you here because I'm starting to think that I'm being unreasonable in expecting to be treated as a generally (at least kind of) worthy person who's capable of doing a fucking simple job for a bit of fucking money for fucks fucking sake.

I'm slightly peeved.

One word.

Fuck.

At 5 minutes to midnight.. all I want to say is..

well I already said it. In the title.

I'm tired. It's been a long day... well.. 23 hours and 55 minutes so far but you know what I mean..

I cut myself today.. just on the finger.. right on the tip.. usually not a big deal but the blood just kept gushing and gushing and gushing.. I thought it would never stop.. but I covered it with a bandage thingy and it was ok.. kind of sore... kind of a pain in the ass.. well the finger.. something I could do without.

Then I totally forgot about the fixit dude... came here to just see what needed to be done.. then expected money for his time.. just a little but I didn't have it, so I had to awkwardly get through that situation.

So.. mostly a boring day.. and then to work. You know.. the tour thing.

Started ok, started great actually... and despite a small detour.. and being a bit behind schedule.. it continued being.. well, ok. Some interruptions, with news of changes to the schedule. but.. ya know.. then. well.. I don't want to blame other people.. but the situation became kinda screwy.. and I was made to wait, and keep a large number of people waiting before the last bit o the tour.. which wasn't fun. I don't think they liked it too much.. and quite frankly I think everyone was a bit tired and not so much in the mood by the time we got in there... and certainly by the time we came out to say goodbye and all that stuff.

So.. yeah. Fuck.

I hope I'm at least learning something here..

I may have mentioned the other day I had big problems with my computer.. the very day after my present stint of solitude began.. and I screwed around with it for a couple of hours.. and it was frustrating and annoying and worrying, but then it came back and I was all relieved and stuff.

Well yesterday it screwed up again, but a bit differently yet again this time. Blue screen of death.. a different one than before and then it just wouldn't turn on. I got the ole computer turns on, fan is running but nothing shows onscreen. Won't boot, to put it in fewer words.

I got inside the computer, did a bunch of stuff, cleaned and tightened and unplugged and plugged again and I could go on and usually do but that's the gist. It just wouldn't turn on. I tried a couple of fixes I found online (at the ole cafe.. ah, how I love being in the ole cafe) but they didn't work.

Today I got a tip from a very clever man, to "reseat" everything. The advice came in a phone call from Toronto while I was walking through the park so I possibly didn't get all the proper details but I got in there in the comp, undid everything, left it for a bit and hooked up the other comp (the one that we were using last time the other comp died that doesn't do shit) and then bla bla bla.. I'm going into detail again.. I didn't mean to.. I just wanted to in general complain about how shit my life is.. well here it is.. my life is shit.

Anyway it worked. Well something worked. Sorta. I shot off an email, then went to shoot of another but it shut down, or restarted like it was wont to do so it didn't bother me so much.. but after restarting it restarted almost immediately.. and then again, and again. Then it got stuck for ages on the Windows welcome screen and then it went black.

Haven't been able to revive it since. So here I am, in the ole internet cafe again.. fuck I spent a lot of time here.. or in one of these, I don't always use the right one. To make it even more perfect this computer restarted on me! And flickr won't let me upload!

Grrr and stuff. Oh. and fuck!

Grumble, grumble.. russm, frussm.

It has been said that February is now the new Jan.

Actually this is true of last year too.. which sucked seriously, in an awful way.

This Feb sucks in a different way, the mundane, nothing real big going on, small things though some of those things that in the greater scheme of things are not important are very important to you.

Computer still dead, that's the main thing. And it's going to remain dead, probably, it will be ages until I'm online at home anytime soon. *cries and stuff*

I had a slight problem with the other computer, you know the one that's useless for anything.. well, I made it useless for anything, realizing that I actually was depending on it quite a bit.. now that the actual useful comp which was fucked up and annoying to use but worked doesn't work. It was really stupid. I was trying in vain to find out how I could connect it to the internet, so I saved some stuff to take home and read them, found them useless but fiddled around anyway. I logged out, logged in again thinking well you never know it might renew the thingy and read my usb whatsit.. probably won't but what the hell it can't do any harm.

Well, all it did was make my desktop disappear. I couldn't access any of my folders or files, or even right click. All I could do was add stuff to the bar at the bottom whatever it's called. I could access stuff through Mozilla though, but couldn't do anything with it. I fiddled around, fucked around, screwed around, tried to type commands in the box thingy although I had to keep logging out and logging back into the program that didn't work to get it. I didn't know any commands, and the few I found were useless to me but I tried them. Did nothing. Then yesterday I was fiddling around more, tried adding another thing to the bar thingy although none of the programs I added there were usable and it fixed it somehow. So that's back. We're back to square one as they say, or rather -1 because the problem with the comp surpassed the fuckup with the updates and now the battery is dead. Or something, Maybe it's the motherboard. No idea.

So.. we had an exploding water heater on Sunday, that fixed itself and hasn't done anything again, but I spent half a day cleaning up the mess.. it had the decency to spill dirty water over just cleaned stuff and one of the cupboards. Something to do with my time.. but that's over with and I'm waiting for the next big fuckup. The minor ones aren't worth mentioning although I will now. The tv which I got out after being away for months doesn't seem to work, and I just broke one of the bulbs to one of the lights I have for photography and stuff.

And something else I just tried to do proved worthless.. meaning I will not get any money for even longer, and this computer is weird and has issues with the language, it wont stay on English, thats even if it has English.. and I cant type the apostraphe.. I keep getting §§§§§§. What the fuck is the use of that character.. I mean what the fucking use (insert question mark here.. and close bracket as well.. grrr/

Apart from that everything's great.

Ok now, why?

Just why the fuck do all train trips that are supposed to be just under 3 hours take 3 hours and 40 minutes?

Why the flying fuck of fucks do the fucking 1st class carriages have to be on the side that you come out of the station by, when your train's on platform fucking 5, after waiting in the line that some fucking woman used as a 1000 questions info stop to buy you ticket?

How the fuck come do people working in government offices need to tell you they need to check on some stuff that's pretty much greek to you (or official papers and forms Czech, which might as well be) and make you wait in the hall while they check it out?

Why the heavenly holy fuck are station maps completely fucking WRONG? And I mean it's wrong, not just that I can't follow maps properly and that's why I went the completely wrong way and came back and started again TWICE!

And why oh why on god's green earth are internet timetables for trains from Brno to Prague just wrong! And I mean wrong, like actually wrong, not like station map wrong.

And for fucks fucking sake? Why in the jesus fuck do canoodling not teenagers (no excuse people!) have to be right in front of the place you at first think is the street number you need, so you don't want to go and inspect it properly because they're there, so you walk past and then you go back cos you thought it was it, and it isn't so you have to go past them AGAIN to go up to where it actually is. All the time they're looking at you like YOU'RE the weird one, who like, doesn't have a right to be there or something. And get this.. they're STILL FUCKING THERE when you finish your business and go down the hill again! I mean FUCKING GET A FUCKING ROOM FOR FUCKS SAKE!



Fuck!

Tuesday SQNEA #8 - The er.. um edition.

Why can I never think of a stupid question at the right time? The right time being Tuesday of course, the Time That Stupid Questions Must Be Asked! No exceptions, all will go awry if it isn't done at the right time. Awry, I tell you!

I had plenty of questions, oodles of them, I had one about vampires that was really really good, and another one before about something else that was too but I've totally forgotten them! It's frustrating.. infuriating I tell you.. that's my new favouritest word, infuriating. Isn't it cool?

So anyway, don't really have a stupid questions except for the one at the top about not being able to think of questions or rather to remember them. It is pretty stupid and I'm pretty sure no one ever asks it, not specific to this context anyway, but it's not really a good stupid question.

What the fuck. That's not a question that's.. something else.

I don't have time for this!

I didn't have time earlier on when the water heater was doing what it wanted to do instead of what wanted it to do, ie what it should be doing, and I don't have time to be waiting around the fucking post office, and being made to fill the fiddly fucking form again because I stupidly forgot to write down one fucking detail which shouldn't make a difference because there's so much other fucking information that they should be able to get the fucking transaction done regardless. I won't go into detail but in short.

I don't have time for this! Fuck!

I mean it's done now, and I'm back from the PO, but still. Fuck!

Damn modern technology stuffs

The damn washing machine still isn't working. I tried banging it? Numerous times and it still won't work! Bloody hell. I remember in the old days whenever something didn't work, all it needed was a good old slap. One singular bang, on the side somewhere, and voila! It worked. Always. Without fail. No exceptions. This new fangled thing however.. nothing. Still just won't do it. Well it starts but it stops before it does anything, or anything useful anyway.

Fuck! What's the world come to when the age old remedy of "the bang" doesn't fix things immediately anymore? Aren't these things supposed to be better? Why did they work so well int the olden days? Am I just remembering it through rosy coloured doesn't really have to use the things cos mum does it glasses? Doesn't really matter, what really matters is that my fucking washing machine still doesn't fucking work and I have all these cat pissed things to wash. Fuck. This fucking sucks, and she's still doing it by the way. Hope she stops it when her daddy comes home, which fortunately is soon, though he's going to need something to sleep on, which might prove to be a problem. Fuck!

Oh for fucking fuck's sake!

I don't know if it's because she's depressed, or anxious, or just weirded out from things being different... cos her daddy's not here, but the cat has lately had a habit of fucking pissing on things. Not that much, and otherwise she seems reasonably ok... but it's enough to fucking annoy me.. and of course it's all like.. my clothes, and things I need to sleep on.

So of course now the washing machine isn't fucking working. Either caused by being overloaded or just because the great cat up in the sky thought it would be good timing for this to happen. Who fucking knows.. in any case, these are 2 situations which don't suit each other, you can imagine.

Fuck. This is quite fucked. Now I'm going to go try the old "bang it and hope it starts working again trick". Again.

Well fuck!

Ok so one thing got resolved, due to me spending money and the other one didn't, and probably won't. And it cost me money.

Fuck.

I'm going out tonight. Finally I have some something social to do, which doesn't he anything to do with filmmaking anyway. Except for that it's a meeting of a bunch of people interested in putting a film together.. but at least it's just talk. And being around people. And drink.

Bangs head on desk

Now the fucking camera isn't fucking downloading pictures on the fucking computer... fuck!!!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... what the flaming fuck is going the fuck on for fucks sake! Well?

Fuck.

*scowls, which turns into a yell and then flails arms out angrily*

raaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I think my computer's killing things. Seriously. Fuck.

One word.

Grrrrrr.

That's not really a word is it. Well, in short. It's still not working! It didn't actualy happen the way I thought it would, I went there, got my money, got another thingy at another shop, that didn't work, I took it back, got it exchanged for another one that worked on the computer there and I brought it home a it's doing something different but IT'S STILL NOT WORKING. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

And of course the people in the shop have to act surprised like that never happens, it's so unusual and we never have people return these.

Well you've met me now. Deal.

Friday Random 2..

The last 2 songs that played randomly* on my computer are:

Fuck You - Lily Allen
Nazi Punks Fuck Off - The Dead Kennedies

I fucking rock. *Adjusts shades*

*Ok so I selected a bunch of songs to play, but I randomly selected those without trying to choose anything in particular so it's still sorta valid. Whatevs.

Right, I'm off again.

To do the reshoot. Those who read regular will know what I talk of. Those who don't won't care, so I'll leave it at that.

It was supposed to take about an hour, but now it seems like the estimate is 3 hours, so I'm going to look forward to being safe back here by midnight. And I mean here, in my comfy slacks and on the comp (stuffing my face, watching something amusing etc) with the shoot done and past me, none of this.. well I'm back cos we didn't do it after all and have to reschedule again sort of thing. Here, in the evening, with everything done. That's what I'm aiming for.

Oh shit, I shouldn't have said it, now it's going to take 18 fucking hours. Fuck, I shouldn't have even thought it.

Pointless

I wasn't going to say anything about these things, because every time I talk about stuff I potentially want to do it ends up not happening, but it's already ended up not happening so it doesn't matter now..

So far this year I've done pretty much nothing in the world of acting. I feel kind of useless because of that, but that was to be made up with all the things going on this summer. First there was a guy who I spoke to back in March or something, some Australian dude making a film, an independent no budget affair, but it sounded pretty good and there was talk of me being the central character. So of course he went and got someone else to do it.. I saw some stuff advertised about a series of short films which the makers wanted actors for, so I emailed them, telling them all about myself, with photos and everything.. and no answer. So I emailed again. No answer so obviously I'm of no use or not good enough or something. Then there's the usual summer films at the film school. I went to a casting the other night, sucked, but thought possibly I'd still get something because there weren't so many people there, and yesterday I got a phone call from a guy who asked me my schedule and that he might use me in his film, he asked my email address so he could email me the script. I got no email so today I sent him a message reminding him. I got a message back saying he'd gone with someone from the class. I sent one back explaining that I'm much better than this hussy he got to do the role, not in those words, but said, hey... I'm fucking good, give it to me.. and no answer.

Everyone I know who's vaguely into acting or making films is making their own films and everyone I know who's vaguely into acting is in them except for me. I'm too fucking stupid and scatterbrained to come up with any ideas of my own.. or rather to put them together in a format that can be made into anything so I'm not going to be doing anything of my own very soon.. so I rather fucking depend on people making something to fucking pick me for one of the millions of fucking roles in their piddly little no budget fucking films! But no.. I'm not even good enough for that!

I'm fucking sick of this. I want to fucking be in something already.

Well fuck.. wasn't that fuckload of fun..

Fuck!

Will it never end. No sooner do I get finished fucking carrying all my shit, heavy as fuck, up and down stairs, or in fact before I even finish fucking doing it, because, yet again I had to go an extra trip with heavier than expected shit.. I try to login to my email and I fucking can't.

I try and try again to no avail. I know I didn't forget my fucking password because my browser automatically puts it in, and it's right every other fucking time, but I click the "forgot password" and go through a bunch of links that are exactly no help to me. I try to get it sent to my alternate email, but it isn't in the inbox of the email I thought it was most likely to be and it's not there. I try a bunch of other emails, all the ones I can remember and it isn't in any of them. I go back to google help and they have links to click on that give you a one sentence answer to your potential problem which was exactly useless, then they have the nerve to have a survey question saying "was this answer useful to you?", unfortunately they only have "yes" or "no" as answers and no FUCK NO which is what I needed.

They tell me I can't try to answer my security question for 5 days, which seems a bit FUCKING POINTLESS, I mean if someone hacks into your account it's really very useful to give them 5 FUCKING DAYS to change your security question.. not to mention why they expect you to wait so long to get into your bloody email..

So I browsed through the help section more, hoping to find something useful.. I filled out one form for "my account as been compromised" which asked me a bunch of questions I didn't know, and sent it off and received no reply. I tried to find a direct email address for help and there was none, the only thing there was was a google help group.. so I joined that and asked my question.

All day I waited, for an email or an answer to my question in the group. During the course of the day I realized that some fuckrag, some festering butt boil, yes you you fuck.. you know who I'm talking about.. was using my email and replying to people.. at least one person. This rather pissed me off.

Nothing all day.. bugger all.

The next day I started getting some answers in the group, some useful, most not and all taking very long. I was getting paranoid that this fuckbrain would send out weird emails to my contacts and other stuff.. so I wanted them out of there fast.

My blogger id is connected to the same email, so I couldn't get in, and then I saw that fuckstain had added some stupid shit on top of the blog.. well, at least that gave me a chance to look at my site meter to see if I could get an idea of who this monumental fuckwad was.. sure enough he made it easy as shit to see where he was from and the ip address and exactly when he'd fiddled around with my blogs.. not that it helped me much at the time(or at all), but it was somewhat satisfying..

well anyway.. I filled out more forms, waited, waited and waited.. checked other emails and whatnot to check if they'd done anything diabolical, and went to bed.

Today I woke up and no change, but after an hour or so I got an email giving me the link to go into and get back into my mail. It all seemed to be there, and nothing too dreadful seems to have occurred so in a weird twisted fucking shit that sucks keeps happening to me sort of way I guess I'm lucky, especially for this shitty month which unfortunately isn't the fuck over yet.

So there you go.

Feck off!

One thing I find amusing, and just a little annoying is fake swear words. Or not so much fake as words that are substitutes for a well known swear word, but not actually swearing. And people use them because they want to swear, but don't want to swear if you know what I mean.

It can be written, eg f**k, or purely verbal, like eg "effing". What I find amusing (albeit slightly annoying) about this is, that the person is basically telling you "I really want to say "fuck", but I won't so I'll use a word that sounds sort of like it and is to be interpreted in exactly the same way it would if I actually said "fuck".

Fuck! Why don't they just say fuck?

Now, of course when it's a clever way to get around censors on a tv show, and use a word that pretty much means exactly the same as "fuck" to the general public, but the network fogeys let it through, that's quite admirable, but when you're talking to people, or on your blog, why on earth can't you say what you mean? Sure there are some people who don't want to swear, and they don't. Meaning, if they had a terrible day, they say "Gosh! What a dreadful day I've had, it's just been awful!" instead of "Pluck me! I've had an effing 'orrible day!"

And sooner or later all of those words are going to evolve into actual swear words , and the people who want to swear without swearing will have to come up with something new. It's all rather vague on what actually constitutes swearing and what doesn't, and language changes very quickly these days, so really, who can be fucked to bother with all that? I can't.

Unless I'm being ironic of course, which is a completely different thing, it's cool, therefore ok. I say so, therefore it must be.