Half empty or 50% empty?

Life has slipped back into it's usual pattern here where I spend the day. The official resident is snoozing in his room, Craig the whistling ghost has just started his daily repertoire of unknown tunes, and I'm just doing the usual.

For a few days work was actually getting done, which I would consider a positive thing, but the last few days the official resident has been meeting a friend who's just moved here from America every night, getting drunk and sleeping most of the day. This allows me to sit blissfully alone as I connect with the world out there, encumbered only by a poor internet connection that only allows me to do what I want to do when it wants me to do it.

Until of course, that hour when he blearily stumbles out of bed, placing himself on the couch and proceeding to ramble on about the night before's stupidity. Usually someone will call, and he'll go through it all again, loudly on the phone. I listen to this until he inevitably goes out, after getting little or no work done, to meet his friends to do it all over again.

The parts where he's just not around are fine with me, it's the parts where he's in the room that drive me up the friggin wall. There are some definite changes that need to be made in my life. One of these days I might actually do it.

And I shall call him, Craig.

I swear there's a ghost in this building. He lives next door.

I completely disbelieve in ghosts or anything supernatural, but in some cases you've got to make exception. This particular ghosts whistles. All day. Every day. At different times of the day. Sometimes he whistles what sound like they are trying to be tunes, and sometimes he whistles just air. Sometimes he whistles loud, and sometimes not so loud.

I don't know why he whistles, if he whistles to himself, or to someone else, or both. I don't know if he whistles in his sleep, or if in fact he does sleep. In fact I don't know if it is a he.

He's whistling at this moment. It sounds like a tune of some sort. Maybe it's an old forgotten song that nobody bothers to whistle anymore, kept alive by the whistling ghost.

Craig is a good name for him don't you think?

I was going to buy new glasses but......

Lady with a tie and underpants wearing glasses
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

You know sometimes I wonder how much some kinds of advertising works. I mean, this window display here sure will get people looking, and even photographing and putting on their blogs, but will people who are in need of a new pair of expensive stylish glasses be tempted to go in and purchase them from this particular establishment?

And so he went forthwith to to the mountain, and spake unto God

I've decided to start a weekly series, to add to all the other successful regular features I have. This one will be the Wednesday Random Bible Verse. Today's is,

1 Corinth 13:13... "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity."

a) It's good to be faithful, cheerful, but the best thing in the world you can be is generous and kind to your fellow beings, and you will get to Heaven.

b) Blind faith is utterly essential, and you must have hope, drive and ambition (if you're a man, and support your money making husband if you're a woman) to serve the one true God, but if you slut around, have abortions or succumb to the gay life, or support, ie don't fully oppose these things, you're on your way to hell baby.

c) The Christian God is the true God, God is good, and Christians are good, generous, kind, loving. If you are a true Christian and go to our church, and don't do anything too evil (which would mean you're not a true Christian), you will go to Heaven.

It's quite simple, choose a random verse, 1st one, or 2nd, 3rd, 4th if you don't like it, and give 3 possible interpretations. If it goes well I'll make it a regular thing.

And I thought corn was bad.

New York pizza?

Guy: I mean, eating your own cum is one thing, but eating it on a pizza four hours later? I should probably keep my voice down...

All I can say is, ew!

One day we will rule the world, you just wait!

What are you gawking at child? You humans, you smile now, but you'll be smirking on the other side of the cage when your feline overlords take over. The day will be here soon.

At least I think that's what he's saying, but my catspeak has gotten rusty in the last few years. If you know what's really going on, please let me know in the comments.

I won't be worrying my pretty little head about that.

I'm probably late for the party, due to being insufferably fashionable, but I was browsing the nets the other day and came across this quote by the rather wise Pat Robertson.

"Feminism is a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians"

And it got me thinking. I tried to stop as I wished to avoid the unbecoming wrinkles that were undoubtedly forming on my brow, but I couldn't help it. It sounded so enticing. I imagined myself in a coven, engaging in voluptuous acts with the ladies and drinking the blood of newborns. I am ashamed to say, I was tempted.

I luxuriously stretched out my long slim legs, utterly lost in fantasy, then it struck me. My perfectly smooth, hairless legs would be an affront to this society. I began to think I wouldn't belong in such a place. I would have to let the hair grow out dark and spiky, become surly and hateful, and be ugly.

And I realised how absurd my little dream had been. I was not ugly, and thus not one of them. For why would a pretty, feminine lady like myself have any use for such a radical concept? I put it out of my head and went back to dusting.

These so called "women" are bitter. They have been shunned by men all their lives, quite rightfully due to the unfortunate arrangements of their features, and rather unfairly take it out on men. They form unattractive, unsuitable for men's arousal, partnerships with women. They need to go out in the world and fend for themselves, making them hard and unfeminine. They resent all men and do everything they can to bring them down.

But I can get a man. A man who will take care of me, provide for me and give me the status of being Mrs, so long as I cook, keep the house respectable, orally pleasure him, and give him sons in the near future. I can even have a little job, as long as it doesn't take me away from my home duties or emasculate him by being more important or well paying than his.

He will protect me from being raped or beaten, by anybody else. So long as I'm faithful, obedient and agreeable, and am a comfort for him after a hard day at work.

I can be assured that he will always be there for me. Of course I must take care of myself, keep my figure, my skin and hair looking nice. If I age gracefully, he will just keep his younger woman on the side. I will keep my man forever,

So those "women's libbers" can keep their "rights" and their "education" and their "careers" and their "independence" and their "property" and their "equality" and their "interests" and their "self respect" and their "decisions" and their "opportunities" and their "lives". Who needs it.

Silent and Grey

I'm feeling kind of depressed. I'm sure it's a self indulgent whinerism, because I have no reason to be unhappy about anything. Things have been pretty good. I have a possible new opportunity which might turn out good, which I won't elaborate on more until I know it's happening. I had a pretty good evening last night and otherwise things are neutral.

It could be because it's Sunday and Sundays suck. They start off ok but as the day goes on they just get bllgghr! I don't have a reason to dislike Sundays either. It's not like I have weekends, I work just as much (not very much) on Saturday as I do on a Monday.

I don't like Sunday because it's too far from Saturday. Now I have to wait another 6 days until the next one comes around. How do I stand it! I suppose I shouldn't blame Sunday, but blame the person who can't be bothered to see me more than once a week. Or myself for being so pathetic to be in love with someone who can't tolerate my presence more than one evening a week.

Or maybe I should blame God for hating me.

No nipples please, we're Christians!

My blog has just been rejected by one of those listing sites. Here I was thinking that I had a well written blog, and above all family friendly blog, and I was rejected! It's no big deal really, it's not like I'm not linked all over the place, but why?

They do suggest that any blogs with "adult content" be placed in the appropriate category, but come on, anyone looking up adult blogs would be rather disappointed to find me babbling on about my quite uninteresting life with only the odd nipple here and there.

Perhaps the reviewer was a sensitive religious person who was somewhat put out by my insinuations that our Creator is a less than totally sweet dude. Well, if that's the case then I have a message for them.

God is a big fat dildo, and he's really, really mean! Sometimes.

Oh and another thing.

That'll show em.

We need to breed more people!

Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston

Britney giving birth. What a girl! You just don't see that kind of calmness, consideration to the bear rug or dedication to sticking your ass out so by birthing women nowadays.

Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston, ” believed Pro-Life'’s first monument to the '‘act of giving birth', is purportedly an idealized depiction of Britney in delivery. Natural aspects of Spears'’ pregnancy, like lactiferous breasts and protruding naval, compliment a posterior view that depicts widened hips for birthing and reveals the crowning of baby Sean'’s head.

The monument also acknowledges the pop-diva'’s pin-up past by showing Spears seductively posed on all fours atop a bearskin rug with back arched, pelvis thrust upward, as she clutches the bear'’s ears with '‘water-retentive'’ hands.

I haven't been able to find anything out anything about the Manhattan Right To Life Committee regarding this, my connection is fucked and I'm unable to look it up properly, but judging from the artist's past, he's probably having a laugh with the whole thing. At Salon they investigated, and so far it seems to be for real.

Capla Kesting denies the statue was developed from a rumored bootleg Britney Spears birth video. The artist admits to using references that include the wax figure of a pole-dancing Britney at Las Vegas'’ Madame Tussauds and "Britney wigs"’ characterizing various hairstyles of the pop-princess from a Los Angeles hairstylist. And according to gallery co-director, David Kesting, the artist studied a bearskin rug from Canada "“to convey the commemoration of the traditional bearskin rug baby picture."

If he's actually getting money from them it would be really funny.

Stolen again shamelessly from Pandagon.

Blogwhoring from home.

I was fully intending to write a long, well thought out post about a subject dear to my heart today, but I've been trapped in a room listening to a man still drunk from last night blabbing out one lame ass story after another without a pause in between who only just finally passed out, my mind isn't in the right condition to undertake such a task.

So instead I'll leave you to peruse some of my previous shining moments, that is, according to me, not necessarily anyone else. It's rare that I actually make the effort to write something good, and when I do, I want to milk it for all it's worth, so I've put a category on my sidebar dedicated to my best moments.

They include,

Family Fun - The story of biblical creation as you've never heard it before. Warning, adult content.

Who will get eaten first - My idea for a reality show.

And not one thing about blowjobs! - Don't be put off by the title. I'm just making a few improvements to a 1950s guide to being the perfect housewife.

How many people do you need for one of those? - I refer to a "sex pyramid". The author of the original article invented a totally shitty one, so I made a better one.

And the others are there if you care to check them out as well.

That steak was asking for it!

Girls used to be considered cows to be bought and milked, but now, they have officially been demoted to meat. At least according to abstinence only guru Justin Lookadoo.

MERRITT ISLAND, Fla. -- Students and parents were shocked and outraged when, they said, female students were compared to pieces of meat by a Christian author at a Brevard County high school lecture. A group of students said the speech was biased and made them feel uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, students were split over the message some said insulted female students with statements like "you can kick my woman...but you can't kick my dog."

I can only imagine was this means, as I don't have the greater context but judging by the other shit he said, it's probably not good.

'Women shouldn't be surprised, if they dress like a piece of meat, if men want to put them on the barbeque,'" said student Dana Tarasabage.

Personally I wouldn't touch a steak that isn't buttoned up from neck to toe in demure attire, but that's just me.

'Go out and shop a little longer, there's more fashions coming out that cover your entire body,'" said student Shivani Patel.

I don't know if encouraging teenage girls to shop more is going to solve anything. I would suggest they spend a little less time worrying about clothes and more on actually doing stuff, but that's just me.

But thankfully most of the kids at school aren't brainwashed by the feminazi agenda like me, they actually listened.

"I think his presentation reached the teens. I think it spoke to what they needed to hear and approached them in a way that would make them listen," said event organizer Leslie Taylor.

As long as we keep the bitches in their place, we're doing our job.

Lookadoo talked to juniors and seniors about the perils of boy-girl relationships and sex. The offended students said girls were portrayed as being to blame for boys' adolescent attractions.

No shit Einstein! If there's one good thing to come out of this it's that shitheads like this make their archaic, misogynist ideas so fucking obvious, and that there are at least one or two intelligent girls out there who see through it.

The Foundation said they were surprised by the negative feedback, but are happy teens are talking about tough issues. Still, the majority of students were not offended.

I'm so sorry that some of our girls are hysterical dykes who get all in a huff when compared to pieces of meat. It'll never happen again, I promise. I swear most of our girls are well bred obedient young ladies, like Stephanie,

"I'm obviously a female and I didn't feel like he was bashing woman or men. I mean it was equal," said student Stephanie Hartkopf.

Via Pandagon.

Art for dummies

Making art out of...
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

I've been keeping myself off the streets with photoshop again. I love these effects, just one click and you create something that looks like it could be art, and it smooths out all the nasty details, all the spots, blemishes, lines, all that pesky reality we have to deal with.

Oh the sweet, sweet taste.

Ms Savanna Samson wasn't quite fulfilled in her career as an adult movie star, so she decided to do something extra.

And surprise, surprise, it actually turned out to be a good wine!

"I never wanted to just do gimmick. That would just happen with me being a porn star, me having a photographer shoot the label, how risque could I get on the label -- all those things," Samson, the stage name for 31-year-old Natalie Oliveros, said in an interview.

Well from what I can see of the label, not too much, I mean, no nipples or anything!

The seriousness of the idea was lining up a respected wine maker. So she convinced Italy's Robert Cipresso -- also a vintner to the Vatican to join the project.

And when the proposal was given to him he said "sure, make wine for a porn star? Why not?"

The result is Sogno Uno, a 2004 vintage of an Italian red wine packaged under the Savanna name with a label of Samson in a see-through gown. It was launched last month.

The perfect thing for your next sophisticated soiree. Just don't serve it with lamb or fish, trust me, I know from trusted sources, they don't go with red wine. I was told this by someone I would have thought was gay if I wasn't fucking him.

NAUGHTY AND SPICE

Just something Yahoo news felt was necessary to place in the middle of the article.

Samson is one of the biggest names in pornography, having won best actress in the Adult Video News Awards (AVN), the pornographic equivalent of the Oscars.

And highly respected awards they are too.

The wine "really represents who I am," said Samson.

I bet it does baby.

"There's spiciness -- the Cesanese has the naughty side of me. And yet it's an elegant wine. I love the opera, and I'm a classically trained ballet dancer. And there is some chocolate undertone, which I just love. There's a little bit of sweetness. Like, 10 percent of the time I'm sweet," she said.

I'm not even going there.

Samson, who was raised Catholic in upstate New York, said it was pure coincidence that Cipresso also sells wines to the Vatican. She met him through her husband, a wine merchant.

Oh I'm sure he admires your faith.

Still, she never had her parent's blessing for her career choice as an adult movie star. "They were so devastated. They were terribly, terribly upset."

Yeah parents have a weird way of disapproving of porn. But still, being a booze merchant fits in pretty well with a good Catholic family, they would be proud of you now.

See, I told you he weren't no nice guy!

I've said this before, but did anyone believe me?

"The Bible says that God punishes depravity first through plagues against animals and then in people," Basri said in a religious edict quoted by his son.

A quote from Rabbi David Basri, who's claiming that the recent outbreaks of the bird flu in Israel is the fault of one the favourite boogeymen, gays. Oh and God of course. There's no pussyfootting around the fact that he's directly responsible.

Basri said he hoped the deaths of hundreds of thousands of turkeys and chickens would help atone for what he called the sins of left-wing Israeli political parties.

Well that's fair. If you live in a country in which there are other people who you may or may not know, who condone sinful activities, whether or not you agree with them, you deserve to get a deadly flu.

One of the parties aired an election commercial depicting two brides kissing. Some campaign advertisements also called for homosexual marriages to be legalized in Israel.

I suppose just snapping his fingers and making people not gay didn't occur to him. What God will do if gay marriages ever are legalized remains to be seen. Nothing's happened here yet, though we recognize civil unions as of last week, but maybe God expects higher standards for his chosen people, It's not like he's been especially nice to them over the years.

Well, it's not like he's been especially nice to anyone over the years. Let's face it, we've come to expect these kinds of things from Him. He's been up to a lot of shit lately though. And where the hell is Satan these days? He never does anything anymore, I haven't heard of one possessed soul responsible for mass murder for years!

My love, why have you forsaken me?

Yesterday was terrible. I'd just got done posting, saw there was an error, and my internet connection refused to work! I couldn't get it working again all evening, and when I went home my roommate was working on his computer so I couldn't get on for even one minute to check anything.

It was terrible. I was reduced to sitting in my room and scribbling into my notebook about the day, and writing odes to the internet, my doorway to the world, a wonderful place where I am somebody. A being who matters, where I really exist, more than I do in this so called "real" world.

Yes, that magical world where dreams can come true had been cut off from me, for more hours than I'm used to.

This morning when I came in it was working fine, so everything's cool and groovy. I had a bit of a panic earlier on when it started getting real slow, but it's working fine now. Fingers crossed.

It's the 21st of March so it's the official first day of Spring. I haven't done a thing of course, but I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to work in a bar, it's the perfect thing for me. Imagine all the stuff I'll have to write about! I'm not really up to the writing with imagination and feeling, it's too much trouble, so I need to be doing something that provides me with a constant stream of lively anecdotes that I don't even have to think about.

That I need to save up money for a computer and all that. I definitely want to get my own flat, the place I'm in now is ok, but later on I want my own place. With cats. I have some ideas for photos and a new direction for the blog to take, and it requires that I live alone and have cats, so I have to do it.

Better avoid dancers and cyclists then.

She just needs to get a real man.

Girl: How come you don't eat me out anymore?
Guy: You have ridiculously strong thighs.
Girl: So?
Guy: When you cum you crush my head.
Girl: Jesus, you're such a pussy.

--L train

Indeed.

Well just because it's not technical, doesn't necessarily mean it's safe.

This is the kind of farm I should be working on.

I'm not even going to tell you what this is. I want you to guess. I'm thinking it's the followers Orzak, the giant nudist who lives in the mountains following their beginning of spring rituals, but I could be wrong.

That one guy looks a little unsure. Smite him!

When I say I'll do it, it gets done dammit! Er, it will one day.

Every now and again I get an urge to do get off my fat ass and do something. Not just something, but to go out and make a series of changes that will impact my life for the better. I choose significant times, like the New Year that let me dismiss my past failures as being badly timed.

And then a couple of months/weeks later I realize I haven't done a damn thing, (except for moving) and choose a new time, make an excuse explaining how I couldn't have possibly gotten those things done at the formerly chosen time, and make a new list, slightly altered.

And now that it's spring, or will be once it stop snowing for once and for all, it's time to get myself into gear again. As it's been winter, cold, damp and dark too early, I haven't had the motivation to go out and do things, how could I? Now that the days are longer and it's warmer, I'll be able to do them, so I'm going to.

Get a job - In a pub or something, if I'm lucky I'll score something reasonably cushy in an office.

Sort out my business - As I'll have an outside job I won't rely on the money so much, I'll reorganize the business so I only have to come here at certain hours on certain days, making my relationship with W a purely business one.

Get a computer - I'll have a job as well as a professionally running business, I should be able to afford one soon enough.

Get into acting - Get some good photos done, and visit that damn casting agent who's been ignoring me for the last few years and make a damn nuisance of myself and make it clear that I'm going to continue to do so, until I get those castings.

Have some sort of life - Make friends, go out more, do stuff. I don't know what stuff but something.

Learn how to write properly - Long winding posts, bordering on poetry about abstract ideas and wonderful innovations. Unique ideas, deep thoughts, biting humour. I want my blog to actually be good for once.

And I'll get going on that as soon as it's a week day and the snow is melted, and it's reasonably warm and not raining. And I'm not being bugged about something else to do, or feeling hungover or just not quite that well. Or preoccupied with worrying about stuff, or just feeling blllrrgg!

Who will get eaten first?

I know in recent years we've been overrun by Reality TV shows, and the last thing we need is yet another, but I have an idea that I don't think has been done before. This is an idea I got from someone else, but I tweaked it a little.

It's set on an island, it's one of those survive in the wilderness type reality shows. The contestants will be given an initial supply of food and general survival stuff which they use until it runs out. After that they fend for themselves.

The island will be deliberately chosen to be slim in resources, so it isn't so easy for them to pick fruit and fish or whatever it takes to get by. Eventually, the only way they survive will be by eating each other.

But it won't be that simple, they won't be allowed to just tuck into whoever they want to whenever they want, they will have to wait until the scheduled time in the week, where as a group they choose by vote who to eat. So on top of the usual factors involved in the voting off selection, such as likeability and usefulness, who you want to eat, as well as how much the person consumes themselves on average will be taken into consideration, ie, the "larger" contestants are at a disadvantage.

But it's not that simple, as with other reality shows, the person chosen by the others will not necessarily be the one who is eaten, there will be a duel, but the duel will not be chosen by the voted off contestant, it will be chosen by the television public.

The duel itself will be a physical fight between the two, no rules and no weapons provided. They can use whatever is at their disposal in the fight, hands, teeth, rocks, the sea. This adds an extra factor in the vote, as people will be reluctant to chose someone they'd lose a fight with. When one of the duellers is dead, or too weak to continue, the winner will be declared and everyone will tuck into the loser. Perhaps they'd like to cook them first.

I realise there are problems with this idea. One being legality, it would be a tough pitch in most countries that have television, as there are usually laws against things like murder and cannibalism, the other is cost. You would have to offer an obscene amount of prize money to lure people onto the show, which I don't have.

My solution is to go to the Ukraine. I'm sure with some persuasion they'd go for the show, if you convince them they can make money off DVD sales (which will be illegal internationally but people will buy them anyway), and it solves the prize money problem, offer about $1000. People in the Ukraine will do it for that much.

What do you think?

Broken backs and slapped wrists

I'm not very good with jokes but I like this one.

Q. What do you get hanging from apple trees.
A. Sore Arms.

Silly isn't it? It reminds me of my apple picking days, in Ireland back in '96.

I'd arrived in Dublin just about a week before, I hadn't been intending on going there, I just ended up there. I hung out and drunk and before long I completely ran out of money. There was an ad in the hostel I was staying for a job picking apples, and as there wasn't much else I could do, I showed up at the meeting point and was taken to the farm.

There were a bunch of other pickers there, who were like me, people who were just travelling around, and mostly Australian. A slightly odd guy called Alistair, another Australian girl who's name I don't remember but for purposes here I will call Jane. Two other Australian guys, a Spanish couple and Delroy from London.

The actual picking apples part sucked. We worked all day, reaching up and bending over, and it was wet and cold a lot of the time. The evenings were fun though. We had our own section of the house where all the men slept and we had our kitchen and TV and living area. Jane and I shared a room down the hall.

We all made pretty good friends. We worked half a day on Saturday and not on Sunday so on the weekends we went to the village pub. The first night we were there we got to know pretty much everyone. People seemed to quite like us, I suppose we were a novelty to them.

We all got to know each other pretty well, and mostly got along. On the second Friday we went to the pub. We all drank a lot that night. The only thing I remember about it is Jane hogging the jukebox and making us listen to an hour of Meatloaf.

We went home in a group. I didn't even notice that anyone wasn't with us. One of the locals, Damo, walked home with us, I didn't think anything of it.

We all hung around in the TV room for a while until some of the guys wanted to go to sleep, so I wandered off with Damo, and he came to my room with me. The rest I'm not going to go into detail about.

A few hours later I got woken up by the phone ringing. I wasn't about to get up and answer it, and no one else did so it just rang. Later on I was woken up again by a drunk sniffling Jane coming into the room and going to bed. She didn't notice I wasn't alone, and possibly wouldn't have cared.

Damo left quietly in the morning and we all got up to do our half day's work. We were all so hungover we just slouched around, telling jokes and throwing apples around. Nobody got any work done.

When the workday was over the lady of the house came to talk to us. We were in trouble. She was rather miffed that we'd gotten nothing done that day. And there was more. Alistair and Jane had not come home with us, and they'd gotten separated from each other and got lost. I don't remember what happened to Alistair or how he got home, but the person who called in the middle of the night was Jane. She had also, in a drunken desperation, knocked on a bunch of doors to ask people where the farm was.

It was bad, she was pissed, but it was pretty much a slap on the wrist and a "don't do it again" we got. Not a single person seemed to be aware that a local had spent the night in the house, so I didn't bother to burden them with the knowledge.

Some people stayed and worked on for another week or so, but I left the next Monday, back to Dublin to work in a shitty bar job instead of a shitty farm job.

When does smut become porn?

I was watching Vyvoleni 2 last night, the reality show that our friend Vladko below won the first series of last year. They had a viewer's call in segment, and one caller asked why they don't show "more", meaning nudity and sex. Why they don't show as much as Slovakian tv to be precise.

Last year in December, when the first series of Vyvoleni was in it's last weeks there was a problem. The network had gotten behind in it's rent payments on the villa that the contestants lived in. I don't know how it happened and there were rumours that the rival network which was showing the Czech version of Big Brother at the same time paid off the owner to evict them. So what they did was move the last 4 contestants to Slovakia, to live with the contestants of their version of Vyvoleni. If it was the rival network's doing then it backfired, because it made the show more popular than ever.

The Czechs and the Slovaks lived together in the Slovakian villa. This guy who called in presumably lived close enough to the border to get Slovak television, so was watching it on that as well. Apparently they showed a lot more nudity, people showering, doing sexual stuff and the like than the Czech show did.

The host told him that they showed whatever they could, and that in Slovakia they are probably more permissable about these things.

So I got to wondering about what they do show on Slovakian tv. I'm pretty sure that outright pornography can't be showed on public television, so what? Nudity? Last night there was a scene where one of the girls jumped naked into the pool, sure she covered her naughty parts, but that was her own doing, and there have been naked people before on the show.

Sex? Do they actually show people having sex on the Slovakian show, or just kind of sex? Nipple licking? I saw that last night too. One woman licked salt off another's nipple, then sucked a lemon out of her mouth and tequila out of her navel. And a man took a tequila shot off another man's body as well, just to be fair.

Maybe the Slovaks do the same they just do it more. Maybe the producers of the Czech show want to focus more on personal relationships, arguments and discussions rather than just people getting their kit off, which there is plenty of anyway.

Or maybe in Slovakia they are more open, more free, more permissable about sexual matters than we are here. Yeah? Well I never noticed anyone gay on their show! On our version there are at least 2 people that are exclusively gay, possibly 3, a few others who are bisexual, and a few girl/girl snogging incidents. And it's only week 2. Take that Slovakia!

I now pronounce you, respectable!

Czech gays may now have their civil unions recognised. Not exactly marriage, but close. The vote was passed yesterday, overturning a veto by President Vaclav Klaus.

He had argued the legislation amounted to excessive regulation by the state of people's private lives.

A bullshit argument if I ever heard one. Most likely he just doesn't like gays because he thinks they're yucky. Or "fuj" as you would say in Czech.

In a statement released after the vote, Mr Klaus said the result was not a personal defeat but rather "a defeat for all of us who believe that the family in our society is fundamental, unique, unrivalled".

Gays are "fuj" again. The only advice to people who are bothered by this is to say, "just don't think about it". You won't notice anything at all. The only people who it's going to make any bit of difference to are the people who will use it, and they are not opposed to it.

The BBC's Rob Cameron in Prague says Czech society is one of the most secular and sexually liberal in Europe.

True, and true in a way. The Czech Republic in some ways is known to be a little behind on issues like feminism, racism and gay rights, in some ways, in other ways no. Of course, that was then. Before Vladko.


Vladko Dobrodovsky (right) and boyfriend Robert. Vladko is the winner of last year's Vyvoleni, the Czech Republic's first reality show. Oh he flamed, he ranted,he argued, he cleaned, he cooked, he cut off his long black mane, he went off about every little thing and developed a crush on co star Michal, but people loved him.

If you want to thank/blame anyone for this turn of events, he's the guy to call.

Some people tell me that I have too much time on my hands, I don't understand why..

Tell me, do you ever wonder which of these will happen first?

A. The cows will come home.
B. Hell will freeze over.
C. Pigs will fly

Your answer is probably, "no, I don't ever wonder about this, and I don't actually care what your answer to the question is"

But I'm going to tell you anyway. I think A. The cows will come home. I originally thought, A. Because it's the only one which is actually biologically possible, so the likelihood of such event is actually irrelevant in comparison to things which will never ever happen ever.

Then I got to thinking, if you're talking things which are totally absolutely physically impossible and always will be, I will have to change my mind about the pigs flying thing. First of all, when you say "fly", you don't always mean "fly", I mean I've "flown" but I can't fly. And there is no rule which says old sayings must be interpreted in a particular way, I mean a pig may "fly" if someone takes it on a plane trip, or up in a a balloon, and I'm pretty sure that there is some incidence of a pig being flown this way, at least once. Or a pig can be thrown far enough that it is seen to be, or considered to be "flying".

Then there's evolution. Things can change, and in millions of years, it just may be the case that pigs have evolved wings and can in fact "fly". Of course this is going to take an awful long time and the cows will probably be home by then.

So, my answer is, either A. or C. It really depends on which cows you're talking about, where the hell they actually are, where home is, and what exactly you mean by "fly".

As I don't believe there is such a place as Hell, the likelihood of it freezing over is extremely unlikely.

P.S. This particular entry is a rehash of one that was written last year, and since then some new information has come to light that changes things completely. There is a Hell! Hell is in Michigan, and being in the American mid-west, it's quite likely that it freezes over regularly. So the question now is, what time of year is it, how cold will this winter be, how far are the cows from home, and at what speed are they travelling? Oh and are there any distractions for the cows on the way?

How long?

Because my life is mostly uneventful, I spend a lot of time thinking about things. I spend a lot of time thinking about time, and how much of it passes before I actually get around to changing things. Like my role in this business, getting myself some money, and severing my dependency on people who I should be well rid of by now.

So, where was I a year ago? Well, it was an intersting day. I'd already moved out of W's a few months before, but I was with him, we were in the center for work purposes, but really weren't getting much done.

The night before I'd been in a pub called the Ghetto, with a friend. We were sitting at the bar. There was a drunk guy at the bar who was getting frustrated with us because we were speaking English and he couldn't understand, and kept asking me to translate for him. Finally, after being interrupted about 6 times I told him we were talking about homosexual dogs. He was rather put out about that and didn't bother us again.

Then I got the phone call. It was W, he was drunk and babbling. Something that just happened in the bar that he'd just left. It involved calling in a bunch of thugs on some people who were fucking with him, he swore that he didn't do anything to provoke them, but I know him better than to believe that. He was pretty proud of himself about the whole thing, but I wasn't really impressed. This was in an expat bar that he used to frequent, and he made himself quite unwelcome there are pulling this stunt.

So the next day when we met he was on a kind of high, we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant, he had some shots, then we went to an internet cafe, he had beers, and somehow all through the day he got more and more drunk. By the evening we ended up in another expat bar, one that we never went to much but our options had been slightly limited by his actions the night before.

A guy was there, someone we'd both met months before. I was so drunk that night that I barely remembered him, but we got on pretty well, and paid hardly any attention to W. He left after a while, being quite tired by all the excitement, and me and my new friend continued talking. To cut a long story short we ended up together that night. And, if you don't count the recent, still unexplained 6 week disappearing act, we've been together ever since.

What does it all mean? Nothing really, I just felt like writing about it.

A bit more green, and less of the white please.

I quite like the winter, unlike a lot of people. I particularly like it when it snows, we don't get snow where I come from so it's still kind of a novelty to me.

But, at a certain point in time it gets to be enough already. I get tired of being cold, having to wear my gloves and dorky hat, which I look like a dickhead in, lacing and unlacing those big boots everytime I go inside or outside. I want it to move on to spring.

This winter was pretty dull, it hardly snowed at all, so when we got a big dump of it just this past weekend, I was not displeased, even though it's March already.

This is what I like to refer to as "my" fountain. It isn't founting at the moment, it hasn't all winter, but hopefully they will turn it on soon, as spring should be here. Yes, I finally got my snow photos so now it can begin. I now pronounce it Spring! Snow go away, trees burst into flower and bunnies and kittens come out and frolic and all that.

I was on my way to Bible Study one day and......

The most extraordinary thing happened to me,

A retired salesman alleged a stripper and her friend beat and robbed him in his home. John Skinner, 54, said he was on his way to Bible study on Jan. 23 when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy, 25, knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram.

And as that's the sort of thing that happens every day, he said "sure, why not?" But it wasn't as simple as that.

When Skinner agreed to let her perform, knife wielding Richard Adam, 23, allegedly forced his way inside and told Skinner he owed Murphy, owner of Bikini Assassins, and another woman money for earlier services.

Something about gifthorses and putting them in your mouth comes to mind, but I can't quite articulate it.

Skinner said he owed Talbert money for sex one time but not for a previous time when he said she fell asleep before they could have sex.

Look, if you're going to frequent stripclub/whorehouses and try to skip out without paying, don't go to one called "Bikini Assassins", go to the "House of Withering Violets who are Here to Fuck old Geezers and be Sweet to them". Free of charge if you can't get it up.

Adam allegedly tied up Skinner and hit him in the face. Investigators said Murphy went upstairs to find valuables and returned with thong underwear and medication for erectile dysfunction.

Oh dear, not only does he get tied up and beaten, but he has his inadquecies laid out in hard print in the newspapers. Poor man.

The pair allegedly tried to take Skinner's car, but it was out of gas.

So how exactly was he planning on getting to Bible Study? Hmmm?

And in New York today...

Some people still haven't grasped that whole "geography" jazz,

Little girl: What's London?
Teen girl: London is a country in Europe.
Little girl: In Newark?

Well there's also London in Ontario, which is sort of New England isn't it? I mean it's north of New York. And it's in a place called Canada, which is sort of France as well, except for the parts that are American, so in a way these people are right, you just have to look at it a certain way.

Oh, and a quick technical question. Does anyone know how to get rid of the Yahoo toolbar from Mozilla Firefox? Not just once you've opened the browser, but altogether. Somebody who shall remain nameless did something on the computer the other day which wiped all of my bookmarks and put this ugly Yahoo toolbar on the top of the browser. I was able to get most of my favourites back, but I can't get rid of this damn thing. I don't want it, it's unecessary and it's not aesthetically pleasing to me.

What now?

I've wanted to act since for as long as I can remember. I used to have aspirations of being a star, like everyone who is an actor has, no matter what they tell you, but they died out at least 10 years ago, probably before that. Now I'd be happy to just be able to call myself an actress without being embarrassed, to be in something professional, that lasts, that is actually good!

I haven't had much luck. This latest minor incident is just typical of my efforts. It's not like I was rejected from a proper part in a real movie, I don't even go for them, I'm not even in the league to be rejected from something like that. This was a fucking student film. And once again, I didn't get a role in it, and once again, there was another add for the very part I went for afterwards. They didn't even reject me because someone else was more right for the part, they rejected me because I couldn't conceivably play the shitty role at all!

I have actually been in a few of these student films, but every time it was as an afterthought, for a minor role, the person they originally wanted couldn't make it, so they called me. And of course I rushed to it, because I don't have anything better to do. It usually worked out ok, but I've never been the first choice, I've never been the one they look at and think I'm really good, or perfect for their role, or anything really. I just don't stand out, I don't impress.

And this is the way it's always going to be, probably. So what do I do? Give up? I can't do that. This is all I want to do, all I ever wanted to do. But I've wasted a lot of my life fucking around, not doing anything, and now it seems like it's too late, even for my modest ambitions.

If I was to ask anyone who knows all about me, and has seen me trying to act, they would probably advise me to forget about it. "You're no good, you're not professional, at your age you should have much more experience, get on with your life doing something else, this isn't going to happen!"

And this is what bothers me, not that one aspiring filmmaker didn't choose me for his film. It's that I don't feel as though I have any business trying to do this. I don't have any positive feedback of any sort, so I have no way of knowing if I'm any good or not. I have very little experience compared to any other actors I know, even those much younger than me. It's really disheartening.

There's nothing to stop me from trying again and again, and no doubt I will be in a few silly little shows, or bad amateur films, but at some time I have to move up from that, or there's no point in doing it at all.

Two elephants

Elephants
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

I was going to think of something really clever and witty to call this, but hey, it is what it is.

That's nature for you, in all it's glory. And some artist type decided to glorify it in nicknackdom. What were they thinking? Do they really think that someone's going to buy something like this to display in their home? As if.

Thank you for your application but I regret to inform you that you suck

I received my official rejection today.

Thank you for attending our casting of "Heaven Help Us." Unfortunately, we have chosen another actor for this role. We hope that in the future we can work with you.

Yeah, right. You're dying to work with me sometime, in fact you've already got a role that you think would be just perfect for me. Blrggh!

Not that I was surprised. I would have heard from them already if I'd gotten a role. And I didn't expect to get anything in the first place when I decided to go to the casting, so it's not a huge letdown.

Then I was browsing the Prague forum where I found out about the casting in the first place, and there was this guy, looking for someone for a role in his short film. After they've seen me! It's not enough for me to not get a role because someone else got it, I have to not get it when they don't even have someone else for it! Why on earth could I not have done it? This very same thing has happened to me before and it drives me crazy. How crap can I be?

Oh and he says "American accent preferred".

Fuck, if he'd wanted an American accent I would have done one, he wouldn't even know that I wasn't American. I was considering sending him a message saying who I was and telling him this but I decided against it. I don't really mean to be told that I'm just not good enough, or too old looking. Or that my ass is just way too big.

My ass just isn´t big enough

I didn´t get a role in that film. As expected.

I suppose my ass isn´t fat enough. I really shouldn´t go around telling people I´m trying out for these things, or put it on a publically viewed blog. I don´t really need everyone knowing of my numerous rejections, it just makes me look like a big fat loser. Of course I am so telling people about it is just being honest I suppose.

I don´t know how long it will be before there´s anything else I have the opportunity to try out for. So I can get all excited, tell everyone and fail again.

101 things to do with cats

I got 2 rather strange visitors today, one was searching for "dancing aggressive cat" and the other for "cat shaving behavioral". What on earth does it all mean? I hope they found what they were looking for.

I went to a casting yesterday evening. Only a student film, nothing to get too excited about. The script was rather ordinary, a couple of young women talking about men and bitching about each other, but in the right hands it could make a decent little film. Of course, with student filmmakers, actors like me, and a limited budget it will probably turn out to be a piece of shit, like most student films.

I don't think I auditioned terribly well, my acting was pretty cheesy, but so were the other girls who played the scene with me. I have no idea how likely I am to get a part. I don't know how many women auditioned, or how good they were. I don't know if they're looking for particular types or particular looks. The only physical descriptions are where one of the women is described as skinny, so I won't be playing that role, and another one is described as having a huge ass, a possibility there for me which is good because it's the main role.

So I may be playing a fat assed bitchy 20-30 year old woman in a cheesy student film this weekend. Wish me luck! The pay isn't much but apparently the food will be good.

It's a real shame about those dead people, but gosh, it's so pretty..

This is one of Yahoo's current most emailed photos.

The "fairy tale" castle Neuschwanstein is seen in the snow covered landscape in Schwangau, Bavaria

Just beautiful, but wait, there's more.

Heavy snow and high winds lashed Europe over the weekend, causing the deaths of at least 17 people in weather-related accidents and avalanches in Germany, France, Italy and Switzerland.

Aaarrggghhhh! That's horrible. You just ruined the romance of snow for me. I'll never be able to look at a German castle in winter time the same again. Thanks a lot Yahoo.

Blogger awards

Being award time right now for such lesser artforms as film, those things that I'm never in, it got me thinking about the need to give recognition to those who excel in what they do.

So, being a blogger. I compiled a list of things that make a great blog, and scouredd the internet to find a blog which contains such qualities. Here we go.

1. Interesting and varied subjects. - In all modesty, I would say my blog has this, so me.

2. A personal touch that makes you feel like you really know the blogger. - Hmm, let me think. Me.

3. An attractive but easy to read format. - Me.

4. Photos of your blogger, in different situations, sporting different looks, but always looking fantastic. - Me of course.

5. Humour. - Me again.

6. Sex, lots and lots of it. - Need I state it.

7. Sarcasm, but in a lighthearted, fun, not too offensive way. - Me.

8. The occasional gimmick, visitor maps, quizzes, photo captioning, but not going overboard. - Me again.

8. Links to interesting stories, but with the blogger's own riotous input. - Sigh, me.

9. Cool graphics, commenter interaction, nudity, a perfect balance between clarity and vagueness. - Me, me, me.

I think that covers it. It's quite obvious that I have the perfect blog, and am deserving of an award for my efforts. I'm pretty modest though and don't want too big a fuss made over it, in fact I don't need any award at all, just the knowledge that readers out there are enjoying what I write is enough for me.

Oh, and a cash prize would be nice.

Lazy Saturday afternoon another photo of me blogging

being weird
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

Early March and not quite spring yet, I thought I'd blog yet another photo from years gone by. This one's about 3 years old, taken one strange night. You might be able to guess that both I and the photographer were drunk at the time.

In not entirely unrelated news, it snowed yesteday! It was a complete surprise, I walked out the door to go home and everything was white. I had no idea it'd been snowing, it was dry and sunny on my walk up here and the blind had been closed all day in respect to the delicate condition of the one who resides here. Of course it would wait until March to start snowing like it's winter, pretty typical as far as the weather here goes.

Leave my misery alone!

I'm probably quite a miserable type. I don't see myself that way, compared to people around me I think I'm quite optimistic. But that's probably because of them, the people I'm closest to tend to be super negative as opposed to just rather negative. That's me, rather negative.

I can really indulge in self pity at times though, not too much, but we all have those particularly awful episodes in our lives, and I'm not any better at dealing with them than anyone else.

Other people are no help, not to me. All they do is try to cheer me up, when all I want to do is wallow in my wretchedness. And at some point in time, someone is going to offer, "cheer up, it could be worse", or some variation on that.

I never understood why people say that. How is that supposed to help? The first thing I think of if someone says that is, if it could be worse, it will probably get worse. Thanks a lot!

It also means that the person is basically telling you that your problem is insignificant and you're a big wuss for going on about it, which doesn't help either. If I'm upset about something then it's a bloody big problem for me, and I don't like to be told that I don't have the right to be upset about it. Of course the people who say this are usually the people who whine the most about the smallest thing. They're so self centred that they can't imagine something mattering that doesn't involve them, and just don't want to listen to you talk about yourself.

It reminds me of an email I got from a friend a few years ago. She's someone I've known for years, a friend of the family. Someone who lived and still lives a very sheltered life. I sent her an email, no doubt full of negativity, talking about being poor and worried. Instead of replying to what I wrote, I got sermon. Not written by her, but one of those generic things that get forwarded around a lot. It had a list of things that people complain about, and then told you to think about someone who had it worse than you, for example, if you're feeling unhappy in love, think of those that don't have anyone to love, and there was a version for every facet of life, money, friends, health.

I read it and thought. What the fuck! I don't know what she was thinking, but it didn't make me feel better in the least. This is from someone who really has never had to worry about anything, least of all money. There she was sitting in her own wing of her parent's big house making sculptures and not having to pay for anything, I sent her an email about being hungry and worrying about being homeless and she sends me that!

I don't remember if I replied to it. I think I just ignored it, but continued correspondence with her afterwards. I didn't hold it against her, some people are just clueless, they can't help it.

Yes, but when I do it it's ironic.

The internet is full of dorks. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of democracy, and I love the ease with which every common nobody can stake their place on the internets, but please! Some of the muppets you come across.

People with no talent, using their blogs as a personal rant platform, posting dorky photos of themselves, the results of every dimwit quiz they come across, Friday randoms, cat blogging. Everything and anything to get out of actually doing the work to create something. What a load of rubbish!

But of course in this sparse wasteland you come across some real gems. People with integrity, talent, who take the time to write something insightful and meaningful, and don't resort to the quick fix blog fillers that so many plaster their webspace with.

I am not one of these people. I pretty much fit the first description and saying that I'd like to introduce the latest gimmick I've been taken in by.

Map your visitors! Yes, I'm desperately hoping that at least some of you are nerdy enough to go along with this, but please add yourselves to my frappr map, the Mutant Cat Minions.

Yeah, I know, it's a stretch but just Mutant Cat was taken so I had to call it something. It's quite simple, just click on the link, either above or on the sidebar, show me where in the world you're at, upload a photo of yourself or your dog or whatever and give a shoutout, something like "Yowza, how you all doing there?", or anything you like.

Of course if you're too cool to do that I'll understand.

Nothing

I have nothing to say, nothing to write about, nothing in my head.

Well thank fuck for the internet and crazy people who actually do stuff and provide us with photographic evidence of their exploits, helping us forget how our lives are dragging on pointlessly and going nowhere.

He he, those people have no clothes on. That's rude.

I'm going to steal on idea from Norbizness here, which I've done before in previous incarnations, and ask people out there to come up with their own caption for it. I'm not going to do one myself because I'm shit at it, but I seem to have picked up enough commenters to get this thing going.

So get on with it! Show me how clever you are.

The not about sex post.

chair with interesting use
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

There will be no sex in this post!

I realise that recently I've blogging a lot about sex. I don't know why this is, it's not like I'm some kind of sex crazed monster or anything. It's really not me.

So I'm posting this to show that I have other interests. It's a chair. Being a homebody type, I'm very interested in furniture, decorating and such. This photo was taking in a window during a trip to Paris a few years ago. I saw this chair and fell in love with it. It looks quite comfy don't you think, something to sit back and watch the telly on.

Of course it would have to be re-apholstered it it were to be put in my house, animal prints are really only good for bedding, for the living area something more subtle is needed, maybe a pale yellow or beige. What do you think?