Wednesday, what do you do when the job's been done for you?

I wrote earlier about the new improved Conservative bible. It's not done yet, but they (The Conservapedia people or as I refer to them for short "Conservapedes") present me with a dilemma. How do I translate random bible verses taken out of context when it's (sorta) been done for me? Yes, that's a rhetorical questions, and the answer is whatever I'll do it anyway, but this time I'll take a verse out of their book, and do it. Worth a try.

I should pick a random one but for this special occasion I'm going to begin at the beginning, in Genesis. I'm going use verse 2:21:

So God created gigantic sea creatures, and made the waters teem with every moving creature after its kind, and every winged bird after its kind. God approved it because it was good.

a. (Not really a translation, it's the Conservapedia analysis) "The largest of sea creatures included more than the great whales. They also included several species of marine dinosaurs, at least two of which (the Loch Ness creature and "Predator X", identified in the Bible as "Leviathan") survived the Great Flood." :) kay...

b. And like, this giant sea dragon rose out of the water and grew and grew and it like flew off and turned pink and offered us sausages and then disappeared in a puff of smoke and dude.. what is this shit this shit is good!

c. Actually this really happened, it's a metaphor for evolution, see, life started in the sea right? That can't be a coincidence.. or maybe creation really is real.. I'm a bit confused but whatever it is God totally did it.

Um.. yeah. Whatev.

Wednesday - Doing this for no other reason than... it's been a long time..

I'm on brain drain this week, so I'm resorting to lazy blogging, which in my case is my dorky day o the week system. Wednesday is god day. I haven't done this for ages, but it's where I get a random bible verse and give it 3 different interpretations. I've had reasonable success with it, if by success you mean writing 3 incoherent translations of something of which I haven't got the foggiest clue as to the meaning of, which people sometimes, though not very many and not very often. So, here's the verse:

Hebrews 13:15: Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.

and these are possible interpretations..

a) If you worship God and pray and be faithful and moral, be kind to people and tell them about Jesus and love everyone etc etc etc... all will be groovy and sunshine and unicorns will play on the clouds.. *sigh*

b) We will sacrifice all sinners to the LORD to prove we are HOLY, granted we don't usually put it this way but why do you think we treat so many people like the fags and bitches and all them foreign brown people like shit.. so we shall continue to SMITE those who do not follow the LORD.. and whether people are following the LORD sufficiently will be decided by us on every individual level.. let's just say some people get the benefit of the doubt more often than others.. not our fault, it's what the lord says.. take it up with Him.

c) hehe.. fruit, lips. It's funny. I swear. Get it?

ok so they're just a jumble of words. I didn't promise much.

This I know how to do.

Ok, it's Wednesday and I've been doing this forever so I won't bother with tedious explanations, I'll just get on with it:

Jer 10:10 "But the LORD is the true God; He is the living God and the everlasting King, At His wrath the earth will tremble, And the nations will not be able to endure His indignation"

a) This LORD guy rules. He totally rules and totally governs everything and has LOADS of power right, and if he just gets pissed off at everyone in the world right.. he'll just up and destroy everything.. s,true.. I mean.. the dude literally RULES man.. isn't it awesome? I mean.. until he goes and fucks everything up that will kinda suck but fuck.. he's like.. the man..

b) Be weary unless ye anger God, our true Lord for if you do he will SMITE you everlastingly, and DESTROY the earth and it won't matter for the good cos they'll go straight to heaven but if you are a sinner you will go to HELL! Yes.. all you Satan loving whores better be warned. STOP BEING GAY!

c) Jesus is the kindest, most lovely person/god that ever walked this earth, and you know that because the bible tell us so, he's even so kind as to warn us to be good, and do good unto others that he gives us such a good motivation to follow his example and not anger him, as we will lose our earth and home otherwise..

I stun myself with my cleverness sometimes.

Ah, lets settle down to some good old fashioned tradition...

It's Wednesday.. and you know what that means...

well, if you (singular) are reading, you probably do. If I happen to have picked up a stray reader who will probably peruse this post and then never visit again, you probably won't. In the case of situation #2 I won't bother explaining.. let's just say we're going with pies tonight, just like every Wednesday since time immemorial. Or some Wednesdays since some time last year..

1 John 1:1-3 "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we
have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled,
concerning the Word of life-- the life was manifested, and we have seen, and
bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and
was manifested to us-- that which we have seen and heard we declare to you"

a) Ok, it's set up like this.. this bible thing that we are dictating right now is right and good in everything and you need to believe all of it, even the bits that contradict the other bits.. and anyway, if you do that you'll get everlasting life. Nice, isn't it?

b) Listen up and listen good.. the LORD has spoken and HE is all powerful.. which means you've got to do what he says. And what he says is do what I say and don't be gay and if yer wimmins then don't be whores and submit to yer mens.. kay.. what you doin.. don't worry about what it says there just listen to what I say.

c) .. and the kitties, and the bunnies, and the birdies, and the flowers, and the trees, and the wine, and the harp, and the sea, and the songs and the dancing.. la la la la la...

Until tomorrow...

Who's your daddy?

Time for one of my favourite pastimes, that age old one of plucking an obscure verse from a holy text and twisting it's meaning (or in some cases by a an amazing coincidence getting it spot on) and use it to justify genocide, oppression or unusual sex acts involving furry costumes.. though as far as I know nobody's ever used the bible for the last one, but I could be mistaken. Let's just get on with it. I got this one from this site, cos the one I was using before doesn't seem to do it anymore.

Isa 26:4-5 "Trust in the LORD forever, For in YAH, the LORD, is everlasting
strength, For He brings down those who dwell on high, The lofty city; He lays it
low, He lays it low to the ground, He brings it down to the dust"

a) You see, you should worship god because he's a just an honorable sort of chap, he'll give you all sorts of goodies, a long life, nice house and all that shit.. just as long as you worship him and believe everything he says without question and spend your life grovelling to him. Otherwise he'll strike you dead with lightning or something.. seems fair to me.

b) God rules everything. He is all powerful. He can kill you and destroy everything you know.. in fact, he might just do it for a whim. You never know. He can just snap his fingers and the world is a goner, if he just gets displeased or something.. and that's why you gotta trust him. I know.. it doesn't make sense. Just don't ask.

c) God will STRIKE ye down in a SECOND if he so wishes.. so ye must OBEY all that is written by HIM. Which means be a right wing money making gay and non white people hating christian, preferably from Texas or somewhere similar. Oh and we like the womens to keep quiet.. so keep yer womens quiet. If ye are a womens then SHUT UP!

Yeah I don't know what I'm talking about. Whatevs.

I'm nothing if not traditional.

Those of you who are readers of old (I get the feeling it's entirely inappropriate for me to be addressing you in plural.. hmmm) will remember my old Wednesday Random Bible Verse series.

Anyway it's Wednesday and I have nothing else to write and I remembered it for once. So..

Matt 22:31-33 "But concerning the resurrection of the dead, have you not read
what was spoken to you by God, saying, 'I am the God of Abraham, the God of
Isaac, and the God of Jacob'? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living"

a) Matt said.. but, like.. you know when people die right.. and they're dead right.. well what if they weren't really dead but like.. um.. cos there's god they're like.. out there but in like.. another plane sorta.. you know, something really cosmic cos god said something about Abraham or um.. something and said that he's into life and like.. positive stuff.. (said in the voice of Neil from the Young Ones)

b) Look, it's very simple. God said.. 'I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob'? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living" so.. that means, that although it would seem to the layperson that he is indeed dead, he can't be dead, because he's god, and he said that he is the god of the "living".. and the living aren't dead. So he must be alive in some way that we can't explain but it's ok because it's god and he can do anything. See?

c) God is God and he manages to be alive even though he's dead. We know this because he said so, and we know that what he says is always true because he brought himself back to life. And because of this whatever he says is true. Oh and this all means that homos are evil and chicks need to shut up and keep their legs closed. S'true.

That's it.

The beast speaks

Seeing as I appear to be writing regularly again, I might bring back one of my old traditions..
the old Wednesday bible interpretation. This is where I pick a random bible verse and give a couple of explanations on what it just might mean. Please keep in mind that the interpretations are extremely liberal. And just in time for Halloween, today's is:

REV 13:11... "And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he
had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon."

a) All of a sudden a strange beast came out of the ground, I was rather rattled because I'd been having a rather pleasant walk, and wasn't expecting it, but anyway, the creature was very strange and looked sort of like a sheep but not really because it had horns, and I've never seen a sheep with horns, and it spoke to me. Something rather awful it said, but I got the basic idea from it that you should be good and nice to people otherwise something terrible will happen and you'll end up having to spend time with these hideous beasts for all eternity.

b) And the BEAST came out of the EARTH and said something garbled through his dragonlike way of speaking, which certainly meant that GAYS and WANTON women and anyone who doesn't agree with everything that GOD says, which just so happens to be everything that I believe and want to believe, will burn in HELL. And have an awful time while there here on earth too.. and just in case I don't , it's ok for me, and in fact it's my DUTY to make sure they have a horrible time while they live.

c) I swear I'm not on drugs dude.. I really saw it!

Heavens.. I am really rusty.

Oh God why have you forsaken me?

Well?

Hello.. God?

He's not talking to me. I don't blame him, I've been a bit naughty. I've been slacking in my duty of translating His Holy word into real speak for the common folk. It's about time I got back into it, seeing as I'm all into keeping it real these days.

So, here's a new verse to tackle.

Luke 10:17... "And the seventy returned again with joy, saying, Lord, even the
devils are subject unto us through thy name."

a) The 70 were were very happy when they returned and said "Lord. Dude, you're good at this conversion lark.. you even got them devils to come over to your side. I'm impressed!"

b) 70 men, with 70 staffs, and 70 apples went to 70 devils and talked with them some mumbo jumbo about god and angels and how you should be good and stuff. The devils got very bored very quickly with this nonsense and told the 70 men "yeah, yeah, whatever" just to get them off their backs. The men went back to God and boasted about it while the devils just snickered and laughed about what suckers they were.

c) There was on old man, 70 years of age who had lived a hard life, so hard that he was beginning to get... shall I say... a little out of it. He drank very much and was losing his mind a little. He thought he was talking to God one day and had a nice old conversation with him about how he was so proud of himself for getting so many people saved from his conversations in pubs. God humoured him and agreed with him, just to get rid of him.

Phew. I haven't done this for a while. Can you tell I'm rusty?

God is with us...

Being a Wednesday, the proper time for him to be hanging around. On this blog anyway.. the rest of the time he seems to be conspicuously absent, I suspect this is due to a chronic case of non-existence, but some seem to disagree with me there. Anyway...

REV 22:1... "And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb."

a) You see God, (in spite of all that murder, genocide, bigotry, misogyny and all that other lovely stuff) is pure. Pure like water that hasn't got any muck in it. When he murders it's the right thing to do because the very definition of right is what God says is right, and God can do no wrong so if He does it it's right. Capisce?

b) And he brought me to a beautiful place, where the sun shone, the birds sang and there was a beautiful crystal clear lake, with bunnies and lambs frolicking around without a care in the world.. the water looked so inviting, so we tore off all our clothes and jumped in... along with the fishes which were our friends, and the bunnies and lambs jumped in too, to join the fun, and we had a lovely picnic under the water... and built a city where we all lived in harmony and happiness..

c) When God takes a piss, he really takes a piss.

Carry on..

Might as well do this again...

Seeing as it's Wednesday. Today I'm presented with this:

1 Corinth 2:4... "And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of
man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power: 2:5 That your
faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God."

1) Logic, reason, science, empathy and anything else that requires you to use what you've learnt and experienced to decide for yourself what opinion you'll take on any subject.. are utter rubbish. The only thing you need to know to decide what path to take can be summed up as "wot god says".

2) Well you see my speech was incredibly clever, even though it sounded like utter rubbish because though it was in a way utter rubbish, and didn't make any points that made sense, I am a believer. And because I am a believer, and because I have faith, which is right and good, everything I say is right and good, and terribly clever. Even when it's utter rubbish.

3) Those magic tricks did so work, you just weren't quick enough to catch them. You have to believe in it to see it, and you never believed I could do magic so you never saw it. Too bad, it was really really good.

For those that are new to this, you can either come up with another translation for this verse, translate another verse, or just completely ignore this post... see if I care.

The mind, it just boggles...

I'm spending this Wednesday with God, which I've rather neglected of late. To those of you unfamiliar with my work of old, it's when I pick a random bible verse and come up with a few different interpretations of it. For example...

John 18:26... "One of the servants of the high priest, being his kinsman
whose ear Peter cut off, saith, Did not I see thee in the garden with him? 18:27
Peter then denied again: and immediately the cock crew."

a) Er, some guys are in a garden together, one of them who had his ear cut off by some perverted cunt and they're acting as if it's just some matter of fact thing, and a rooster crows. I'm sorry but what kind of sick fuck cuts someone's ear off? That's just not normal.

b) Sorry, all I can think of is porn, and some pretty sick stuff too.

c) He he, he said "cock crew".

Add yours in comments if you wish.

Now for the fun part, adding tags.

Haven't done this for a while..

But, it's the end of year, Jesus is having a birthday, so I thought I'd resurrect it.

It's Wednesday. Time to pick a random verse from the Bible, present it without context, and give it 3 different translations, none of which have any resemblance to the original meaning. Here it is.

1 Corinth 3:8... "Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour."

a) Now that the tree has turned into a man, the man must go forth and toil, for hard work, and good behaviour, and eating 3 balanced meals a day will make you healthy, wealthy and wise.

b) Here in God's kingdom we believe in fairness. We're firm, to be sure, but we don't discriminate, everyone is equally assessed according to their actions during their lifetimes. So, for example if you led your life being an open minded, charitable individual who let people live their lives their own way as long as they weren't hurting anyone, who helped out those less fortunate, or even adopted a child who had nobody else and brought them up as your own, with your co-habiting partner you're obviously going to burn in hell you stinking faggot. If on the other side, you worked hard, made money (quite cleverly using the labour of those in 3rd world countries) voted for the right party, supported all the right wars, and instead of letting people free to go on their sinful ways preached, and supported laws against, and even violently assaulted those who sin against god, then you're not only getting into Heaven, you've reserved yourself a mansion in our most exclusive district.

c) God created everything. Even the trees and even the people. The trees and the people are not the same thing however, so don't get them confused. I know sometimes a guy just standing there in the garden not moving, who has a bit of a green complexion can look kind of plantish, but don't water him. It won't do him any good and may aggravate him.

I've been away for a while. How did I do?

God is back.

I'm back to Wednesday bible blogging after a break of a few weeks. Mostly because (and I know this is getting rather tiresome) I have nothing else to write about. Sorry.

1 Corinth 15:49... "And as we have borne the image of the earthy, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly."

a) You're dead now, but no worries, you were good and obedient and sufficiently grovelling before God, so you're going to Heaven.

b) Think not of earthly sinful stuff, like booze and succulent foods, pleasures of the flesh etc, think about Jesus. If it doesn't work then tough, you're going to hell.

c) Damn, these drugs are good!

Good to see that I'm still as rubbish at this as I ever was.

I'll wait til the movie comes out.

It's Jesus Wednesday again,

REV 13:11... "And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon."

Um. I hope there's someone out there still reading, because I'm gonna leave this one up to you. I'm trying my best but all I can come up with is porn, and that's.just.wrong!

I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself.

I love Wednesdays

Cos I don't have to think. I know I should put more (some) thought into this, but I manage to avoid it every time.

REV 14:13... "And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them."

a) And I heard a voice from heaven booming down (as God tends to),
"Right, blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth"

"Yeah" , saith the Spirit, "that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them".

And I replied, "wow, that's cool. I'd better get onto this following the Lord business then."

And the spirit saith, "Totally"

b) Those who are good and follow Jesus and stuff (bla bla bla the same story again) will go to Heaven.

c) Those who don't. Hmmm, don't wanna think about it.

Well, actually I do want to think about it, because I'll be up in Heaven, living it up, while you, you fornicators, you shameless hussies, you faggots, you unbelievers will be ROASTING IN HELL. Which makes it all the more fun for us righteous folk. Nya nya.

Getting Godly on yo ass

Bible verse time. For once I actually picked the first one I clicked on. I have no idea what it means and I'm going to make this up as I go along, so here it is:

REV 21:27... "And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in the Lamb's book of life."

a) I believe in being harsh but fair. You must be good all your life, you must follow Jesus and give up your soul bla bla bla, you've heard this song before. If you don't you won't be let into Heaven. And you know what happens to those who don't get into Heaven. That's just how it is, I don't make the rules.

b) Sinners beware! Sinners go to Hell!!!!!! No exceptions! You know who sinners are don't you? It's them faggoty girly men and them wanton women, going around doing what they please with their bits and their lives and their dayem independence! It's a sin! And I will be laughing in Heaven as they're being tortured down in them there Hell parts.

c) You must not enter the wrong bits into unsuitable other bits. Especially when there are lambs involved. Totally uncool dude.

So I guess the way to do it is to just barge ahead without even thinking about it. It's not really any sillier than my previous efforts.

Back to Godliness

I missed again last week, but after the Reign of Darkness failed to come about after my brief flirtation yesterday, I figured I'd be best to get back to my usual godliness. Bible Study it is.

REV 2:16... "Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth."

a) Look, I'm giving you one last chance. You've been a total dickhead all your life but now you can just say sorry, you are the ruler of the Universe, the best and most righteous guy ever bla bla bla and we'll wipe the slate clean ok? Dude, you totally don't want to know what will happen if you don't.

b) You're going to Hell, Hell, Hell!!!! And I don't mean some small town outside of Detroit where everyone is getting over their hangovers today, I mean the real Hell, the one where there's wailing and gnashing of teeth and people whipping you all the time. Oh unless you say sorry that is.

c) On your knees bitch!

I'm getting worse at these all the time. If anyone can do better, go right ahead.

Wednesday don't have to come up with a subject blogging.

I've been suffering from a severe case of blogger's block recently. I simply can't think of anything to write, and if I do it's something very uninspiring. Not that it matters as no one seems to care, views and comments have gone down drastically and I can't say I can blame you.

Nevertheless I feel fortunate that a few weeks ago I came up with gimmick in which at least one day a week I can fulfill my blogging duties without really having to come up with anything, and instead just do a couple of piss poor translations of a random bible verse. Which is what I'm going to do now.

John 2:15... "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him...And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof; but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever."

a) All you need is love. (la da da da da) All you need is love.
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
Love, love, love. Love, love, love (and on and on for about 3 hours, getting very high in the meantime.

b) It's not material possessions that matter but love. No I don't mean don't eat or clothe your children or whatever, just that live your life for your family, friends, and yes, Jesus instead of riches and fame. I mean by all means have a nice house and stuff, but don't get obsessed with keeping up with the Joneses sort of thing, and don't rip of and exploit people. That's totally whack.

c) Jesus is coming! The Rapture will be upon us soon. We don't care about worldly things. We know the world is going to be over soon, so we don't have to worry about the environment or our children's futures. We can pollute and overpopulate and screw the poor to our hearts content.

End.

Time to get saved.

It's Wednesday, so it's time to work on our spiritual health. Today's verse is quite a simple one,

Psalms 95:6... "O come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the LORD our maker.

a) We are only human, we're sinners. No matter what greats we achieve, what kind of wealth we have, we're still only ordinary human beings. Be humble, remember that only God is perfect and live your life without being an arrogant asshole who thinks they deserve more than everyone else.

b) The LORD is our master. The LORD is the only one who says what is right or wrong. Except for those that follow the LORD in every word, thought and deed. The LORD says that faggots are evil and every whore must die, that evolution is a LIE and women must submit to their manly man masters. I KNOW this because it's written in the BIBLE, and only the BIBLE says the truth. Some things in the bible can be pretty much ignored, but the things I said earlier MUST BE OBSERVED!!!!

c) Let love God, worship and adore god, let us bow and kneel down before him and feel his warmth on our face, oh yes, oh God, keep doing that, that's good.

Enough already.

The flood shall come pouring in.

It's Wednesday again, and that means it's time to get down with God. This week's verse is:

Genisis 6:13... "And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth."

a) I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I've made a mistake. Most of my creations are utter assholes and I need to destroy them, believe me, I'm deeply upset about this. Oh no, you guys can stay, it's just every one else that has to die.

b) Quick Noah, gather up all your family and their families and get 2 of each animal so they can breed again after I destroy the earth. What? No, forget the dinosaurs, they're too much trouble, and besides, we've got to have something to confuse future societies with.

c) You have all sinned! You have fornicated and sodomized and gotten drunk and worshiped false idols. You have sworn and romped around naked and let your women speak, you must all DIE! That's what happens when you disobey GOD'S WORD! Didn't think it would happen did you? You thought I was some big pussy! Not you Noah you can stay.

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