How many people do you need for one of those?

What is a sex pyramid? I'm pretty sheltered, so I'd never heard of it until I was perusing Pandagon earlier on. It seems that it's something that this lady invented.

Unfortunately it's not as fun as it sounds, it was created out of a concern for the loose morals young people have today, and how parents these days are just not up to teaching their kids about sex in the proper way. A bit of her wisdom,

Sadly, too many(parents) aren't around, are otherwise engaged or are themselves products of a culture forged in the experimentation of the 1960s Woodstock Generation. Raised in an era awash in feminist efforts to promote the androgyny myth, many have bought into the ideology of male and female sexual equality. Others have bought into the credo that enshrines the negative consequences of sexual experimentation as an inescapable rite of passage.

The wisdom of Janet Shaw Crouse, concerned christian woman and mad mop lady. She's worried about the breakdown of marriage in our society, as we all well should be,

Marriage balances out the female's disadvantage by involving family and community. Families in enlightened societies said, historically, to unattached males: "You must agree to be faithful, to fulfill the obligations of fatherhood and make those commitments publicly before you have sex with our daughters." The marriage contract, then, was a public statement that protected not just women and children but the community, as well.

Men got married so they could fuck, and women earned the protection and security of a husband by giving it up. And everyone believed in god and everything was peachy. Unfortunately the feminists and liberals came along and ruined everything for us, so women like Janet have to come up with shit like this to save society.

Let me offer a simple, effective lesson in how parents can talk with their children about sex. Here is a "sex pyramid" similar to the familiar "food pyramid," which gives a hierarchy of balanced nutrition. The "sex pyramid" provides a "roadmap" for parents to talk about the hierarchy of elements in sexuality.

Ok, let's take a look.


Hmm. This seems to me like she was lying in bed, unable to sleep with her husband snoring like a pig and was thinking about sex, for some reason. She got onto thinking about her children and their burgeoning sexuality and how she was going to deal with that in this promiscuous world, and as her husband farted away she was reminded of how he stuffed his fat face at dinner tonight, and how he always did that, and suddenly it came to her, food pyramid, sex pyramid, food pyramid, I could make a sex pyramid just like the food pyramid, and use to to discuss sex and morals with the children, it's brilliant.

And the next day as she was enthusiastically telling this to the other concerned women she was so excited and so pleased with herself that they didn't have the heart to tell her, um, that's lame.

So it got on the website. I'm sure that plenty of parents will like it though because she thinks the "birds and the bees", that is the bit where you explain that a man puts his throbbing hard organ into the lady's wet inviting hole, should be given the least attention, so phew! To sum up the elements.

Values: What God tells you.
Relationships: Don't have sex until you're married.
Emotions: Boys only want one thing.
Consequences: Pregnancy, AIDS, drug addiction, death, should I go on?
Birds and Bees: Um, we don't really need to get into this one, you'll stumble through that once you're married.

I thought I'd make my own sex pyramid, serves absolutely no purpose, but it's more comparable to the food pyramid which Janet steals her idea from. Here it is:



Now let's go through all of those,

Missionary: Good old fashioned man on top penis in vagina sex, possibly within marriage for procreation, but not necesarily.
Naughty: P in V but with other positions, girl on top or doggy style, anything else.
Alternatives: Oral, anal, handjobs, non p in v stuff that everyone does.
Adventurous: When you get a little more interesting, gay sex, group sex, sex with toys, bdsm the slightly weirder stuff.
German*: Using sharp painful objects, icky bodily fluids, animals, penis eating, the really weird stuff.

So there you go. A simple way for parents to explain sexuality to their kids. I think it makes much more sense than Janet's morality tales.

Of course you have to realise that most people don't have a diet that's high in grains and vegetables.

*I use this joke only to draw attention to the preposterous stereotype that German people are into weird, sadistic sex, and I assure you that I don't hold this stereotype, indeed, some of my best friends are German.