I've said it before but,

I don't like where I live. I've been on the edges of deciding whether it's tolerable or not and I've come to the conclusion that it's not. I like the place, I like the landlord, and I have nothing against the other guy who lives there, (apart from that he lives there) I just don't want to live with anyone. I want a place I know will be empty when I come home. That I don't have to hear them when they come in at night, or leave in the morning. Have the kitchen to myself, can walk around naked whenever I feel like it. Well I do that anyway but it's not the same.

I'm through with sharing. Now I need to get enough money to move into a new place. That's the problem. As well as having stuff there, like a computer and TV so I'm happy to just hang out at home when nothing else is going on.

One of these days. In other news, I've started another blog. It's a photo blog. I know I can post photos here, and flickr is all for photos but I wanted to to it anway. I called it 1000 Words, which isn't that clever I know. If you can come up with a better name let me know.

Grrrr!

I have a headache. I've had it for hours and hours and it won't go away, no matter how many pills and drugs I take. All because I had like 2 glasses of wine last night. I was feeling shitty overall earlier on, I'm better now but still have that DAMN HEADACHE!

Can somebody please tell me how to get rid of a headache that won't go away. My father would say "chop off your head", which isn't much use to me really as I kind of need it. I suppose I'll try the more drugs remedy. Sooner or later it will go away. I just want it to now. Alright maybe I had 3 glasses of wine. Possibly 4. Exactly how much is a glass anyway?

Whew! I need a shower

It's Wednesday and I know I haven't done this for a while but after the smut and filth I've been wallowing in the last few days I felt it was time for a cleansing. And that means god blogging!

Today's offering is,

REV 14:13... "And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them."

a) All you have to do to go to Heaven is say that you believe in God, follow Jesus Christ and do everything he says to do all your life, be nice, kind and don't have sex and everything will be alright. You'll go to Heaven. It's that easy.

b) Be good. Work for your masters. Don't ask questions. Enjoy being whipped and beaten. You'll get your reward in the afterlife. Trust me. Haven't I always been a benevolent slave owner?

c) And there was this voice that I heard saying I'd go to Heaven if I died now because I knew the lord, I don't remember whether that was before or after that giant bird came and told me it wanted me to give it fish. Shit I gotta cut down on these drugs.

Your turn. If you can't do better than me you're a loser.

Sorry, still no boobs.

Back.
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

Seems like my evil little plan worked out pretty well. Those of you out there who like to have a sneaky look at my site stats, and I know there's one or 2 of you, probably noticed I had a major jump in visitors today.

Most of them are from Flickr. The way I did it was laughably easy. I started a post in a group titled Boobs containing just a link to my post below. In about an hour I had about an average day's worth of visitors. Unfortunately there were no boobs at the end of the link, just an invite to ask me questions, (which is still open by the way) which none of them did, and few of them bothered to read any of the blog so what's it all worth!

It doesn't really matter, it was just a silly joke I posted when I was a little drunk. But now that I've discovered how to draw new people in I might try out this little scheme again, with a bit more thought in it, you know like when I actually have boobs to offer.

Oh wise one, enlighten me!

I know you've all been waiting for this, well now's your chance! Ask the mutant one any question you want, and I promise to answer it.

Your question can be anything! I will answer all questions truthfully and correctly.

Ok so I'll answer all questions, let's leave it at that.

Wah, they're having more fun than me!

It's so unfair, lesbians get to have hot wild sex without having to worry about ending up with one of those icky child things, they can just go at it for hours without even thinking about such things. And that is why gays shouldn't allowed to marry, because it's just not fair. For real.

'the fact remains that lesbian and gay couples do not risk an unwanted pregnancy that could result in a traumatic, morally troubling abortion or the birth of a child who must be relinquished for adoption or whose parents are simply unprepared to adequately care for him or her. This uniquely heterosexual risk could argue for special compensations.

And I always thought it was cuz gays were yucky.

I mean, never mind arguing for more affordable, available, effective contraception, making things better for the heteros, therefore leaving no need to punish those oh so fortunate homosexuals, oh no, we compensation for all their fun!

via PunkAssBlog.

Right, you wanted it!

I seem to be attracting a lot of people who are on a neverending quest to find blowjobs. As I'm a kind, helpful kind of person, your search can end right here. This is how it's done,

Use a shooter glass
Layer ingredients in this order (note, from a Bols website but I'm sure any brand will do):

15 mls BOLS Vodka
15 mls BOLS Crème de Cacao Brown liqueur
15 mls Baileys / Irish cream liqueur
14 mls Cream

Instructions for use
Grip edge of glass in front teeth and knock back. Leaves cream on top lip.

Next week I'll be explaining the Proper way to do doggy style.

My brush with fame.

I went to a "film" party last night in an upmarket, trendy bar in the Staroměstksa area of Prague. A bunch of nobodies. But on my way there, as I was coming out of the metro I bumped into this guy,Or should I say he nearly knocked me over. This is Jindra, from Vyvoleni 1. A minor celebrity. Only recognizable in the Czech Republic, from a reasonably popular reality show, but last year's one. He didn't win, but he did last the whole show and came second. I would class him as "q" list.

It was funny because I instantly recognized him, but for a second I thought it was someone I knew personally and was about to say something to him. Then I realized I knew him from the telly and wouldn't know me. It was pretty crowded in the station so he almost ran right into me trying to catch the train.

The party was somewhere I'd never been before. It was one of those streets, of which Prague has many that doesn't so much go in a straight line, but winds around, turns off to what you would expect to be another street and disappears somewhere in the middle. At least I think it did. It took me a while to get there. On cobblestones. In new shoes.

There was a screening of 2 films, both ok, what you expect from amateur films. I met everybody, and am now part of the group. I drank overpriced beer, got a little drunk and listened to (and danced to a little bit) cheesy 80s music. I left when I ran out of money.

By the time I got home my feet were bright red from walking so much in those shoes, but they're better now.

It's worth a try

I have schmoozing party to go to in a little bit. It's not something I literally have to go to, or indeed have even been invited to, it's just something that's on that anyone and everyone can attend. I don't know if will be enjoyable or not, but I'm hoping to meet some people that might be of use to me.

It's a "release" party for a group of amateur filmmakers that's gotten together in Prague over the last few months. I've been meaning to attend one of their meetings but never got around to it, I thought it was more for people who know shit about lighting and camera work and all that stuff, but they've already put together a few short films and are showing them tonight. They're probably crap but I'd like to meet these guys with a view to possibly being in something they do in the future. No money in it of course. It's just something to keep me off the streets.

It's being held in some trendy overpriced bar that I wouldn't choose to go to myself, but I'll have a couple of beers and try to involve some people in conversation, telling all sorts of lies about myself in order to impress. Maybe I'll see someone I know there, which would foil my previous plan of course.

It's in a couple of hours. It was storming about half an hour ago but it's cleared up now and I think it should stay hot for the rest of the night.

I thought I were a bit classier than that.

It's time for another freaky folk who find me update. According to my latest stats I am the blowjob blog. And considering the amount of talk there's been on that subject lately it's no mean feat.

Everything else pretty much belongs in either the cat or "what the ?" category. Like "funny cat speaking", "what does a cat get eaten by","banana Wednesday" for hairy ladies. I don't know if "czech republic mad cats" was actually looking for me or just found me through a happy accident.

At least one person got it right, by looking up "all men are despicable". They didn't stick around for too long which is surprising because you think they would have found what they wanted here.

Oh well. I just can't figure these people out.

Made it to 10.

On this day, the 19th of June, 1996, I left my hometown of Sydney, Australia to come to Prague. 10 years. I didn't stay too long that particular time, but I've been in Europe all that time.

It's been an interesting 10 years. So much has happened, so many changes. What have I been doing all this time? Well,

Um I've been,

Er,

Well there was the time I,

Um.

Ok. Getting stuff done isn't my strong point. But I've not gotten anything done in a lot of places at least.

After my original landing in Prague, I was driven to Česke Budejovice where my relatives live. I stayed with them, sometimes at their chalupa (summer house) just outside of town.

Then I went to London for a short trip. I travelled around England for a week or 2 and went to Dublin. I ran out of money and went picking apples in County Meath. After that I moved to Dublin and got a job in a bar.

I stayed there about 10 months, then I moved to Edinburgh where I worked in a cafe for about 6 months.

After that I left with a friend to London. I lost touch with her before too long, but stayed in London another 2 years. What I did there I'm not sure, but I lived in a few different places, mostly not paying any rent, and went to a few festivals and demonstrations and a lot of parties in condemned builidings.

Then I came to Prague. I worked in a bar for a little bit, then I started an internet business (or sort of helped someone else start one up and I've been doing it since), got my grubby little mitts on a computer and here I am.

I did some film and theatre related stuff too.

I think some of it was fun.

No duck Sunday.

It must be a nice day or something out there in real world land, because the internet world is really slow today. I mean I'm happy for you folks to have a life and all, but what are those of us who live online supposed to do? It's so bleak in here.

Actually it's not, it's rather sunny and warm but not too hot today and I 'm thinking of getting out just to walk around soon. And to be fair I didn't spend so much time on the computer yesterday, I actually went out and did stuff. Well sort of, then I watched the football. Czech Republic lost and now they have to beat Italy. I'm hoping they do because for one, I want the Czech Republic to win, and 2 I want Italy to lose. Their team seems like a bunch of wankers and I want them to lose just because of that.

That's all, not much else to say.

Quack, I say.

It's heartwarming story Saturday. Today it's all about ducks.

DUBLIN (Reuters) - A mother duck brought traffic in central Dublin to a standstill for an annual event Friday as she marched her seven ducklings to a pond for their first swim.

Aw.

The duck, encouraged by delighted passersby, was relocating her young from their birthplace in the grounds of Trinity College to St. Stephen's Green, the city's historic public park, around half a mile away.

Damn the missed photo opportunity! How come nothing like that ever happens in Prague? And how come this never happened in Dublin when I lived there? Of course it may have but I was never out in the day and didn't have a camera anyway. But why?

And it's all along such a scenic route, I would have followed them. I'm going to have to visit Dublin sometime, armed with camera. I'll go next summer though, I want to get there in time for Mrs Duck's journey.

The next step

I went along for another chance to be rejected from the opportunity to act in a bad film by an enthusiastic but untalented filmmaker yesterday. I pretty much sucked. Not that it mattered, I wouldn't have got a part anyway, and as I said, those films are always bad.

I had to 2 a short improv with another young lady, first where we pretended to be sisters who hated each other in which I was mildly bad, and another where we had to pretend we were watching a game of football and were really into it, and I was really bad, as I had no clue how to behave in such a situation.

So as I expected I've gotten no phone call today. It was pretty much a waste of time but I didn't really have anything better to be, and I saw a friend I haven't seen for a while and got some photos of Jesus, so it's ok.

It's about a year since I've been in a film, or any kind of performance though, and it's about time I did something again, and it's also about time I started doing this properly. I mean at least to have a regular group who get together to do stuff that's actually halfway good or enjoyable, in which I learn more, and practise and get better. I'm getting too old to be doing nothing but basically surviving and living in ridiculous shared flat conditions. Oh, that's another thing, the living situation isnt' ideal. It isn't getting anymore ideal. I want my own place where I don't have to deal with other people having the nerve to do things their way, instead of the way it should be. Mine that is.

I know that sounds terribly unfair, which is why I need my own place, where other people are free to do things whatever way they want, it simply doesn't affect me.

My needs are rather modest. I don't want that much. Just a flat, my own computer of course. Oh, a camera that's just mine, a really nice one. Oh yeah, an acting gig, a long running play and of course a film, a real one, a small but interesting role, (talking of course) in a feature film which I get paid oodles of money (for me) and which leads to much more of the same, and better.

See I don't want much.

A few entirely unrelated things.

Devilman
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

This is the famous devilman of Prague's Charles Bridge. I took this photo the other day while my computer was refusing to do it's duty. He's a bit of a character this one, of course you wouldn't know from the photo. He doesn't really seem to want people taking photos of him, which I've discovered in the past, so I waited around this end of the bridge pretending to photograph something else. People kept getting in my way when I tried to get a shot of him so I was there a while. Finally I snapped a photo and immediately got his attention and he yelled out "twenty crowns, dvacet korun, zweingzig kronen". I made out like I didn't understand.

I thought this was quite rude, and because I'm totally childish, very funny.

Guy #1: My ass is killing me.
Guy #2: Really? Mine feels alright.
Guy #1: Well, you weren't doing what I was doing all day. It feels like someone ripped my ass off and stapled it back on.

--Paragon Sporting Goods, 17th & Broadway

Oh the wacky things that people get up to.

I'm back.

Not that I went anywhere, but I'm back on my computer. The modem had some piece broken in it, it's been like that for months and we could have gotten it fixed ages ago but we've been suffering on a ludicrously slow connection for no reason. Pretty stupid. Well anyway now it's working great. Of course I may be speaking too soon, so forget I said that.

And in other news the Czech Republic just began their World Cup campaign with what you could call an ass beating over the US. Yeah I know they aren't a big football nation but it is nice for a little country win against the imperialists every now and again. It feels right.

Oh the indignity!

No post 2 days in a row! What's going on?

Well, my internet died. It's something that would go by relatively unnoticed, as fuckups regarding being online, either with the computer, internet connection, photo thingy are pretty regular, but being an internet obsessed freak, I need my fix. So I came here, to an internet cafe. I've came here yesterday too, but I didn't feel like posting. I don't like using unfamiliar keyboards, though the connection is much faster than the one I'm used to.

Anyway, where was I. Oh yeah. Internet cafe. They play awful music here by the way.

There's really not much to say as there's not been much going on except for the fact that my internet isn't working, which is nothing remarkable, except that I keep getting stranger and stranger searches in my site stats. Like,

people who have eaten themselves
Nobs and the rabble, all in the same boat
pictures of strong looking stick figure mens

Better than nothing I suppose.

Back to Godliness

I missed again last week, but after the Reign of Darkness failed to come about after my brief flirtation yesterday, I figured I'd be best to get back to my usual godliness. Bible Study it is.

REV 2:16... "Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth."

a) Look, I'm giving you one last chance. You've been a total dickhead all your life but now you can just say sorry, you are the ruler of the Universe, the best and most righteous guy ever bla bla bla and we'll wipe the slate clean ok? Dude, you totally don't want to know what will happen if you don't.

b) You're going to Hell, Hell, Hell!!!! And I don't mean some small town outside of Detroit where everyone is getting over their hangovers today, I mean the real Hell, the one where there's wailing and gnashing of teeth and people whipping you all the time. Oh unless you say sorry that is.

c) On your knees bitch!

I'm getting worse at these all the time. If anyone can do better, go right ahead.

Weirdo Update

(Disclaimer: This post has nothing at all about blowjobs in it, nor has my site in general. If you're looking for pictures, anecdotes or medical advice about blowjobs you would be better off looking elsewhere.)

I've been doing a lot of these I know but it just keeps getting weirder. I've been getting people finding the blog looking for something about blowjobs, of course. Stuff about cats "my cat just gave birth", and a lot of stuff about Satan and the now over, rather uneventful date of 666.

I had someone looking up shower caps, which is strange because I don't sell them, or talk about them very much. I suspect that one had something to do with blowjobs. I hope the "fat women diva mutant" guy found what he was searching for. The "nudist farm" person probably didn't. Sorry.

Weirdest are "pretty little nipples" and "mutant dildo". You know I'm thinking of opening a shop based on what these people are looking for. I think it would be a big hit.

I'm a big dork.

Evil is here!
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

Yeah I know it's 6,6,06 and I have a photo of myself looking all dark and evil, but that's me. I have no shame. I'm into themes and dressing up and all that totally nerdy stuff. I'm a humungous big dork!

And what's really great about me is that I admit it. I proudly flaunt my dorkiness for all to see, I take photos while being dorky and post them all over the place. That's how cool I am. Only the truly cool can be as dorky as that and own up to it, proudly even.

How not to learn from history

It doesn't always pay to have faith,

A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

Most perplexing. How could God let this happen?

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

And they killed him. Well, I guess that wraps up that age old question. Sorry christians, you've been living a lie all these years. Your life is meaningless.

Ok, I know. The whole existence of god doesn't hinge on some stupid stunt some guy pulls. The guy was obviously a complete dickhead. I mean, what was he thinking? Lions, was he mad? Well yes obviously he was mad but like, didn't he ever hear of the Romans? Talk about irony, and if I'm using that word incorrectly, don't hesitate to point it out to me.

And the irony just piles on when you consider that this guy has almost certainly earned himself a Darwin Award. He certainly deserves one.

No one for blowjobs?

I'm sorry about calling you such horrible things yesterday. I was feeling a bit unloved and ignored. Of course, I realized that the people who are actually reading are the good guys, and those who aren't won't get the message anyway, so it's was kind of pointless.

Anyway speaking of weird search terms, (and I was a few posts ago if you've been paying attention), about half an hour ago someone found my little space on the internet by googling

"when your husband returns from a hard days work have his dinner ready, plan ahead a night before, this is a way of letting him know you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs"

Quite a mouthful I must say, which is quite ironic because the post that it linked to is the one titled And not one thing about blowjobs!

I get quite a lot of searches leading to that one, strangely enough it's hardly ever for people looking for information on blowjobs, which is just as well because as the title suggests there isn't actually anything about blowjobs in it.

It's a rather dreary Sunday here, I hope it's nice wherever you are.

Saturday lazy blogging

Site stats keep dropping and I'll be fucked if I'm going to make the effort to write something for you ungrateful cunts. Being blog obsessesd however I have to post something, so here's a photo I took a few weeks ago of Prague's famous dancing building, touched up a little. I'm quite proud of how it turned out.

It dances, it glows.
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

At least someone's actually looking at the damn blog!

It's time for another wacky word search update. It's been a while since I've done one, and out of the depressingly few people who bother to so much as click on my blog these days, a fair percentage of them are very strange.

As usual I get the mutants, mutant wannabes and mutants looking for someone to love, with such searches as "who else is a mutant like me", "how do you know if your a mutant" and "I want to turn into a mutant".

Then there are the cat people, you get the people looking for pictures, "real life cat family pictures" or "lives cats in glass" or the simply inquisitive "what does it mean when you dreamt of a cat" or the simply confusing "when I was a cat I just had hard times".

There are as usual a few sexual deviants who for some unexplained reason seem to find my blog, like mr "elephants fucking women", ew. Or "flickr: photos of handjobs" who certainly didn't find what he wanted as I assure you I have no such photos on Flickr.

Cutest prize goes to "Mr duck says quack" as well as the easiest to figure out. I'm not sure what led the "Sumerian Satan" guy to me though.

The ultimate prize for sheer wackiness goes to "if it's not one thing it's your mother pillow". I'm not sure if it goes with the sexual deviants group or what, the mind simply boggles.

Fun with numbers.

Satan's birthday is coming up, and I was trying to figure out what I should get him. Then I remembered that he never gets me anything so fuck him.

Some people however, are not so blase about the 6th of the 6th 06 coming up. Not surprisingly, some are freaking out. Like this lady.

A woman in England due to give birth on June 6 is fighting with her hospital to induce her sooner to avoid delivering on the demonic date of 6/6/6

You know. I usually really like to be all smug and superior reading about all the nutty Americans there are, and laugh at the very stupidity of so many of them, but shit like this just reminds me that there are wackjobs everywhere, and really I know as may wackjobs as I do people, so I probably should have realised this already.

Melissa Parker, 30, said as a fan of “The Omen,” a movie about a demonic child, she’s genuinely concerned about the numerology involved, The Sun reported Tuesday.

Well darling, you were the one you let your knickers just 9 months before the big date didn't you? You could have chosen to keep your legs together but no, you couldn't wait until a reasonable time that would guarantee your baby would be born at a safe time. Well, now you're going to raise the demon offspring, and it's all your own bloody fault!

“I’m terrified the birth will go wrong or the child will have evil in him or her,” Parker said. “Even worse my beautiful baby could be the devil himself — the anti-Christ.”

Oh please. Talk about self importance. Do you know how many babies are born on one day? Well I don't know either but lots. The very idea that your baby, one of the many babies born on this particular 666 date, which is only one of the many 666 dates that come around every 10 years is just a little bit of a stretch.

Personally, I think she's being a bit silly.

Via God is for Suckers