The second that lasts a lifetime..

or at least a minute and a half.

Yesterday I had a bit of a fall. Some of you may have heard this already, but I'll retell the story here. I was on my way out, in my sickly state, to do some business. I wasn't really in the mood to go out at all or to do this thing in particular, which was to register with a casting agency if you must know, turned out it was mostly just filling out a form, but they did take some photos of me on not exactly my best day. Anyway, as I was walking down the stairs of my building I debated to myself whether to bother looking in the mailbox or not.. and as I got to the last step I decided yes I would, while glancing at my phone to see the time. And then, I don't know if it was the change in step, or my slightly woozy state or being on the steps but I lost balance. My left foot sort of caved under me, and twisted around.. and in that second, or half a second I first thought oh shit I've lost balance.. then I thought I'd just wobble a bit and be alright, then I realized I couldn't, maybe I could hang onto the rail or something.. not exactly in this order or those exact thoughts... I just know there was a few points before I realized "this is it, I'm going down". And down I went... from the moment I realized it was definitely happening and I was powerless to prevent it, it seemed like another minute.. and I had another few points.. will I hurt my ankle, will I fall hard, will my phone fly out of my hand and go to pieces.

So I fell, pretty hard. My phone flew out of my hand and went to pieces. I sat there for a while, with my foot feeling pretty sore, and at this point I had no idea how bad it might be, I might be unable to walk. I was pretty unhappy right at that moment. After a second I got myself up, picked up the phone, put the battery in and all that.. and managed to walk ok. I was fine.

Today I felt it again. My ankle has been bothering me, but more in a "day after I've done something strenuous" way than a "twisted" way, and in any case it would have been a problem yesterday if it was a serious problem so I'm glad at least of that.

But I'm still feeling poorly. I've been promoted to having a really bad, loud constant cough. I'm really looking forward to this thing going away completely.

It's the sort of day when it's good to be me..

I'm feeling shitty. Crappy, crummy in fact. It started with the beginnings of a sore throat on Friday and kept on all through the weekend, with added sniffles, some sneezing, some dizzy headcoldy feelings. It sucked. Well it still sucks, I wasn't much better today, at least not in the morning.

Now, this is the sort of thing that sucks no matter what, feeling sick is shitty, and I'm not the sort of person who's stoic in the face of it, I let it get to me as much as anyone can... all I do is grumble about it and don't want to do anything. So yeah, it was going to be shit no matter what. The good part about being me is that I, to be perfectly honest, don't do a whole lot. And I mostly "work" from home, and have some control over the hours I keep so usually, if I'm feeling awful on Monday morning.. I can just slob around home and work on whining and getting better.

But no. Today of all fucking days in my boring pointless life I had stuff to do. Stuff! Like, go out of the house looking professional and navigating the currently largely diverted Prague tram system on a windy and cold (for August) day. I even had a fucking profile photo shot.. while looking red faced and puffy. And I had to go to a bank.

You see, even when it works out to be me it turns out that everything sucks anyway. Told you I had it hard, but you didn't believe me.

Well I tried it.

And it didn't work. What I need to do is transfer some filmed footage from a tape to the computer. I looked it up, found out you can do that with Windows Movie Maker 2, I tried to download that, kept being taken to another page and couldn't find a download for the actual program, then I realized it's the version I already had.

I wiped the egg off my face and carried on. Well this is after trying it in the version I had, and it not working and the battery dying almost immediately after I did, so I charged it and tried it again after all the previously mentioned stuff.. knowing that it's the right version and it still didn't work so I don't know.. I need another connection cord or something, this one fits the camera but isn't the one the cam came with, don't know where that is, if it's even in this flat, but you'd think if the knobs fit in the bits then that means it's compatible.. apparently not. Either that or there's some other problem.

So that stuff is still stuck there until such time as I figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with it. And I've got a sore throat, I hate having a sore throat. Grrr.

Things that I find kind of weird.

Why is it in all those fake reality show shows, you know like The Office or whatever, the people do and say all these things that are private, supposed to be secret, downright illegal when there's "no one" else around.. ie no one in the scene, but everything that's filmed is supposed to be on film in the reality of the show and in fact they often speak to the camera after doing such things? It makes no sense!

Thanks for the support.

I've recently received a bit of egging on to do the stuff that I said I wanted to be egged on for earlier and recently said I'd sort of done but didn't have the means for transferring it to a format which would make it possible for me to work on further, thus deflating my motivation for doing more of the same/fine tuning my craft/coming up with more ideas/doing other stuff sort of related that doesn't really need for this particular footage to be converted but it's made me less enthusiastic about it all the same etc.

*breathes*

So thanks. And I absolutely promise.. sorta, that I will get it out there. I really really intend to google a possible way to do this when I've finished whatever I'm wasting time on at the moment. So by the next time you ask I will have done that.. unless I totally forget about it until another time I'm in the middle of something else in which case it probably won't get done. And please keep in mind "getting it done" refers to me googling something and probably not finding what I'm looking for due to it either not existing or not being presented to me in a clear enough format for my lazy ass to really do something.

Ok ok.. I'll get something up there. Soon. Soonish. Maybe.

Welcome all...

Say whatever you want...

And I was doing so well!

Fuck! Just when everything was going so smoothly and nicely. Well.. relatively, I mean it totally sucks and then some on top of that but that's my cross to bear and I've been so stoic about it recently.. I think you could say I've bearing it with grace. So hear I am.. coasting along with things being only a little bit below average.. for me.. ie totally fucked up sucking by normal standards.. I watch a nice ep of one of the better calibre of modern television programs on at the moment.. go to get back online and..

well.. you can guess what happened. I didn't get online. This happens often for a little while.. but it stayed not working for hours. Well an hour and a half and I went to bed.

So anyway this morning it still didn't work and continued not working and anyone who knows me, or reads this blog thing like ever knows this is a big deal for me. A big bad deal. So fuck. On top of that I was forced to come down to this local pub to get their wifi.

I told you it was hard being me.

I did it!

I was recently talking about certain stuff that I intended to do. You know if you've been reading and if you haven't you probably don't care so whatev..

Anyway, I didn't do it.. then put it off.. and then some more time went by and I'd done nothing of the sort. Then I put up a reminder on the blog, so that people would egg me on more.. no one did as you care so fucking much but what can one do.

Then.. I did something! It wasn't a whole lot, mostly the embryo of what's allegedly to come, and some practice filming, but it was something. That's like a week ago now, but it involved using a borrowed video camera with film.. you know like for video 8 or something.. and as I don't have a player.. don't know where the cables for the thing are and how to convert them to something we can put on the comp even if we do find them so in all that time I've yet been unable to put the footage that was shot onto the computer, and without having stuff on the computer nothing happens in this day and age so.. well, nothing. Haven't been able to do anything more with it, ie get it out there so people can see what is admittedly excruciatingly awful and embarrassing and potentially never to see the light of day anyway... and haven't been motivated to shoot more because when you can't do anymore with it why bother.

But I did film some stuff.

It's so hard being me, #44 or somethingl like that..

I feel really poorly today. Somewhat reasonable right now with just a lingering headache, but I've had bouts of what I like to call "crumminess" all day.. and it's a Saturday and it's quite nice outside so I ideally would have liked to do stuff today. You know, stuff.. going outside, going places... doing stuff.

But I feel crummy. Too fucking crummy to do any stuff that's worth doing. And yes, anyone who follows this blog closely will know that I was, yes, drinking last night and bragging about it. Now, there are times when I joke about drinking all the time and being a big boozer and all and to be perfectly honest it is the slightest bit exaggerated, and I do make jokes about drinking and burping and whatever when I'm not even indulging in real life.. sometimes.. not so much here but I do do it. That's so weird written down.. two words in a row like that... and it sounds perfectly right when you say it.. oh well.

Anyway. Yesterday evening I was drinking. But here's the thing, it really wasn't all that much. Now of course this is a relative thing, too much and compared to some people in some places with some lifestyles it would certainly have been that much.. and for some others.. not too many really not even amongst my acquaintance it would barely have been a lunchtime.. but for me, it was not all that much. In any case, it wasn't enough to be feeling full on crummy the next day, most of the day at least. It deserved a headache maybe, one that goes away by the late-ish afternoon.. but crummy? Just no.

So like I said, it's hard being me and it's just not fair.

And we're here...

It is now officially the weekend. It's Friday evening.. here at least and... wait a minute.. *thinks*... is it officially the official weekend before 12am Saturday? I mean.. you.. and by you I mean normal people who do the week a day work thing, ie not me not really or people who work at night or overtime or whatever but what the hell.. anyway..

yes, I have had a few drinks already. Where was I? Oh yeah.. it's the weekend.. at least as far as I'm concerned even if it isn't officially, but it is officially Shabbat, at least in this time zone so Shabbat Shalom, if you're into that sort of thing.

*has another drink*

The trials of modern life.

Being a coffee drinker is hard. You must have it every day, in the morning, at least one, maybe more. You need it to be in that waking zone where one can do work and whatever else is expected of one.. or at least you believe it enough that it makes it real.

I personally need 2 or more every day, and by "need" I mean kinda sorta feel like having, because.. well, just because.. because I feel empty, bored.. sometimes tired.. I dunno. Point is I need one, then I need another one.. and after that it depends but often I end up having another one.. each time "need" having a slightly different definition but it's always there.

The problem with coffee is there are so many components to it, at least if you have it like I do which is with milk and sugar. That's 3 different things that I need to have present in my kitchen of a morning to get the adequate cup of coffee, which as I have mentioned before, I need. You can see where I'm going here, with 3 different elements to make up one coffee, there is a lot of scope for things to go wrong. I'm always running out of one of them. As I said, I usually have more than 2, if I can... and when it starts to look like supplies are getting low I get anxious that I might not be able to have that 3rd coffee.. and when you introduce other people into the mix.. well, you can see how hard my life is. Milk runs out all too quickly.. sugar is the deceptive one that seems to go on forever that catches you off guard.. and coffee, like the others is a limited resource.

On top of that, when you're not the sort of person who always has money on them, to go out and purchase whichever one of these things that are missing... well, it's like being on a plane where the pilot has passed out and no one else on the plane knows how to fly one.. and the plane has just run out of coffee.

Needless to say, this morning, the last tiny sliver of coffee from the coffee jar was used up.. not by me I might add.. and I was only on my 2nd one at the time.. or the 3rd.. doesn't matter, what matters is that it happened.

And people say life in the old days was tough. I scoff at them.

The word "glum" comes to mind.

I've been having a serious case of the blahs recently. You know when you're just feeling... bla.. and you just can't figure out why.. there's no reason, everything is just... blah. A combination of worries, irritating people, the pointlessness of modern life getting to you, that sort of thing. Oh and feeling like life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything that I want to be doing moving towards much desired goals bla bla bla.. blah.. nevermind what I "should" be doing.. that's not happening much or in an ideal way either.. meaning I've got not money and that doesn't help.

I suppose I do have some very definite clear cut reasons why I'm feeling like this. Not to mention the not so clear cut but.. "grumble, whine" what's the point sort of non contemplating. It's not a good combination of stuff.

I'm not sure that made any sense, but does life ever make sense? Does anything ever make sense? Is there such a thing as sense? It's a word in the dictionary but what does it REALLY MEAN?

Well, there are 18 different definitions so I won't post it all here.. but yeah, it does mean stuff. *feels a bit sheepish*

Still.. makes you think doesn't it?

I think I want to drink some more.

For about the 600th time.

There's someone here fixing the water heater. Altogether that is, not just for this place.. it's only about the 26th time for this place.

It's taking fucking ages and he keeps calling me in to ask for something or whatever.. I just want it done. Done meaning working much like it did before, not very well at all, warming up to luke warm, or turning the heater on whenever the hot water is running, or not working for 3 or 4 hours as we fiddle around in it, or exploding all over our kitchen. I dunno. Maybe it'll fix those things, for a while, but the whole hot water stopping after a couple of minutes and taking a minute or 2 to heat up again, and after a few times, sometimes after a few minutes stopping altogether and having the red button lighten up... which stops if you press it.. making the water heat up again but only after a few minutes... that won't be fixed.. I'm pretty sure.

Of course if he wants the money from me, I don't have any on me.. so he'll stare at me for a minute expecting me to magic it up if he does it for long enough. I hate it when they do that.

And he had to come while Cooley was having her lunch.. I mean when they say between 2 and 4 they usually come at like 4:30.. how was I suppose to know he'd come at 2:00?

*sits here listening to clanging*

Is there something like this out there?

Today's word o' the day is yet another one, which sounds kind of funny and has a kind of cool meaning..

incunabulum
\ in-kyoo-NAB-yuh-luhm \ , noun;
1. The earliest stages or first traces of anything.
2. Extant copies of books produced in the earliest stages (before 1501) of printing from movable type.

I like the word itself because it almost sounds like it has bum in it :) No really.. ok really.

OMG the earliest stages or first traces of anything! It's like.. it's like.. wow.. kinda like this.

Somewhere in the incunabulum of time the New Year lay awaiting birth. Outside, in the dark, and with none to call it friend, the old year was fading into death.

-- Edwin Markham, The real America in romance, Volume 12

that's so deep man...

I was gonna say more about it and how it might potentially apply to me that is if I actually have a clue what it really means and how it's supposed to be used and there's a good chance I don't anyway.. but I can't be bothered...

Being all ironic so it's cool.

This is something I don't do often.. or ever so I'll probably be pretty bad at it. In fact I'm trying my damnest to be bad at it.. and if you consider the fact that it's not entirely impossible that I'm not just naturally bad at it well.. you'll see.

The Depths
I plunge deeper.
Down
I recognize what I see
I've been here before..
Lived here,
I know this like I know no other
the depths.

I look above but alas,
my struggle is
pointless

Here I remain

....................................................................

Like I said I was going for ironically bad. So there.

*doesn't look all embarrassed and stuff or anything

*insert grumble here*

I was going to be doing all this stuff this weekend, and next week. Or rather I was supposed to be doing cool stuff next week which would give me the excuse to slack off this weekend because next week I was finally going to be busy doing stuff that would add to my rather paltry collection of stuff that I have and be the first of said type of stuff that I've even done this calendar year.

But I'm not doing any of that stuff, because that stuff required I be chosen to do it by other people and yet.. out of the opportunities I get which are few and far between... I was not chosen.

So nothing of the sort, which means I should be even more motivated to do my own thing, cos I totally can't depend on other people seeing any value in me re doing this sort of stuff and right now I should be getting on with doing that stuff instead of writing about not really doing it and then going on to probably not do it.

Maybe I'll do it. Probably I won't. No promises though.

No comment.

*is all quiet and stuff*

Sometimes I reckon it would be cool...

to have one of those blogs that get tons and tons of comments.. even on really short posts that don't really say anything. Know what I mean?

You shouldn't do this..

Today's word o' the day is so... well I just like it, that I thought I'd blog about it even though it's not the appropriate day for such things.. just cos I wanted to. So there.

Absquatulate:

Ok I said you shouldn't do this so you probably think it means something horrific, and mean and rude... but it actually means "to flee; abscond" which seem like cowardly irresponsible things but sometimes it's the right thing to do.. I reckon. Maybe. Anyway I just like the sound of the word.

Just so you know.

I still haven't even begun to maybe think about getting that film thingy done that I said I was going to. I haven't even taken the cam out to the park or whatever to practice using it.

*waits*

Gimme a break! I've been working all day.. actualling WORKING! And I was hungover all yesterday because one of my friends had the nerve to have a birthday and make me drink and it's raininb well it was raining and there's so much do to.. oh my!

jeez!

Who needs these "friend" people anyway?

One of my friends had a birthday yesterday of all vulgar, common things. This meant that I was positively forced to go out and drink with him of course. I was "literally" roped into staying out and having beer after beer and of course.. him having a habit of ordering shot after shot of Fernet Citrus for our jolly party of 3 was made, practically at gunpoint to down every one of them.

I have a headache now.

Friends! *snorts derisively*

Help me out here folks..

You (singular) might recall a few weeks ago I wrote about my ambition to finally get off my buttocks and do some of the film stuff I've been talking about doing.. from the simplest example of filming just for practice to a fully blown short crappy film.

Well. I haven't done a thing. Not just, haven't put a film up, I haven't made either a real film or just a practice example of what the cam can do. Neither have I even brought the bloody camera out of wherever I put it last. I also haven't thought about what or where I'm going to film just for practice. I haven't rehearsed the script for my film nor have I written it. I haven't written down the basic synopsis either.

I have however, got a sort of idea for a film, which I've thought about a couple of times over the last couple of weeks and thought I sorta should do at least some of those things. I haven't though.

If I recall, the point of putting it out there that I was going to go ahead and do it, was to raise the curiosity of readers and get them to remind me constantly that I was talking about doing this, push me to do it, whine at me that they haven't seen anything yet, tell other people to constantly pester me about getting up and doing this stuff already... but nothing. Not a sausage!

So I blame you readers, for my failure to produce anything as of yet. It's all our fault.

I'm working on it..

I might have mentioned a bit back that I'm actually really sorta working now as opposed to before when I was sort of working but not really. Well, I still am. What I'm doing is working out more or less with some small glitches.. ok the glitches can seem sort of big. This week has been a slow one for complicated reasons that are not really due to anything I've done but I'm not going to get into nevertheless.

Not sure exactly what I'm getting at here.. I mean I know but having a point in writing it kind of depends on having more details, which I'm not going to add so..

I'm hoping this will work out. This depends on something that is entirely out of my control, I could foolishly let myself believe that I do have some control over it but I don't.. even though if things continue as they have.. it can still come to something.. only a little bit but something.

Well that's my life, in a very bare nutshell. That and all the online work I do which has more filled in, and the acting stuff which I don't really do much at all but I still keep hoping.

And it's Friday.. would be nice to go out for a drink today.

Wanna Ride?

I'm throwing this out to y'all out there to caption.

Too many mistake's people!

I've noticed recently.. and I don't know if it's that I just seem to paying attention to it more, or if it's more prevalent in places I've been reading more lately or there are just more people doing it now.. as opposed to some vague time that came before what I'm putting under the "now" heading but fuck there are a lot of poorly placed apostrophes around!

Try saying that three times quickly.

Poorly placed apostrophes.

I know I've written about this before and for more people it's not the most riveting of subjects.. although for those who find it riveting it is very riveting indeed.. but I just had to say it. I think it might be because.. I dunno, it might be because I'm reading a lot of otherwise well written pieces and comments who have a habit of apostrphying everything that ends in an s, with nary a clue that it's wrong. And people do it more than once in the same text.. so it's clearly not just a typo.. they just don't know!

It's perplexing. There is a lot out there that's just big mess of poorly written, badly spelt, run on paragraphs, all caps grammatically horrific crap... and in those places I don't think anything of yet another mistake.. but why oh why do so many people.. people who otherwise know how to write good.. do this?

Why?

um...

Today's Word o' the day is:

spatchcock:

*insert frazzled smiley here*

Definition:

1. To insert or interpolate, esp. in a forced or incongruous manner.
2. A fowl that has been dressed and split open for grilling.
3. To prepare and roast (a fowl) in this manner.

kay..

Happy Monday.

There I did it!

I'll let you figure out what it is I did...

*goes quiet*

It's something I promised to do in fact said I'd done and then explained well I hadn't yet but I would by the time someone noticed and then i didn't.

*just looks and stuff*

I had a weird dream again but I don't remember any of it, well I do but not anything I can put into words. I was in a place, and there were these people.. and some tunnel or hall thing I went through. Or something.

Happy August!!!