Just being me.

It's been a dull day. I have a million things to do.. literally a million and I've only just sorta started on one of them. What else is new? Well, I got another message reminding me of the depths of bullshit that is being me.. something I need to sort out tomorrow. Same old boring bullshit.

I have no idea what's in store for me the next few.. months. Well.. I know of a few things but apart from a few trips coming up.. I don't know. What will I do.. how will I.. er.. earn? It's all a mess right now because instead of some very important things I should have been on top of weeks ago, I'm only now thinking about how I should be doing them now, while not really doing the other stuff that's also really important.

I get tired of being me sometimes.

I don't know if it's the cold..

but I'm tired, and a bit bleh.. you know, when you just feel.. grrr and you can't really figure out why. It might be a little bit contagious, I have been in the presence of despair today.. and it's cold. And I need to do a long tour tomorrow.. dreading it.

The word "glum" comes to mind.

I've been having a serious case of the blahs recently. You know when you're just feeling... bla.. and you just can't figure out why.. there's no reason, everything is just... blah. A combination of worries, irritating people, the pointlessness of modern life getting to you, that sort of thing. Oh and feeling like life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything that I want to be doing moving towards much desired goals bla bla bla.. blah.. nevermind what I "should" be doing.. that's not happening much or in an ideal way either.. meaning I've got not money and that doesn't help.

I suppose I do have some very definite clear cut reasons why I'm feeling like this. Not to mention the not so clear cut but.. "grumble, whine" what's the point sort of non contemplating. It's not a good combination of stuff.

I'm not sure that made any sense, but does life ever make sense? Does anything ever make sense? Is there such a thing as sense? It's a word in the dictionary but what does it REALLY MEAN?

Well, there are 18 different definitions so I won't post it all here.. but yeah, it does mean stuff. *feels a bit sheepish*

Still.. makes you think doesn't it?

I think I want to drink some more.

That's not what I ordered.

I was going to write more witty, pithy, kooky things about my trip to Italy but.. the time has passed and it's "literally" ancient history now. So it'll have to wait.

I'm back at home, in the doldrums. Yes, I live in the doldrums, it's quite nice here this time of year actually, a little known fact. It doesn't change the fact that I have ominous heavy shit hanging over me, which surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you know me as well as I do, is easy enough to put out of my head and figure out what I'll do until the last minute. I mean it is sorta the last minute, but nevertheless.

There really isn't much going on.

I went to Rome :)

Blah..

The title there sums up, in one small word, pretty explicitly what I've been feeling for about.. oh, the last 14 days. About since January 1st.

Yes, that's exactly the date... hmmmm... it's that dratted Jan again. Fuck, no sooner do you get it over with then it's 11 months later and it's starting again.. no fair!

Ok, to calm down just a bit, I'm neither homeless, moving or living with someone who annoys me, I'm online, I have a camera and I'm not blocked out of my email or locked outside.. but.. but..

um..

it's fucking cold! It's cold fucking cold and really cold! Oh and I have no money but that's pretty much an all year thing rather than a Jan thing so..

oh I thought of some other things!

I haven't done the things I said I was going to do in January, and I can't be bothered to do them, meaning that I either won't do them and feel bad about it, or I have to get off my ass and do them, which I can't really be bothered to do.

No one's reading anymore. Ok, so some people are reading but there's no one commenting and it makes me feel unloved and ignored. *weeps*

It's cold. I think I said that already..

ok, ok.. well.. I'd say it's not so bad but we're only half way through the month so I shouldn't tempt fate, just take it as given that I'm grumbling non stop during this month (distinguishable from the rest of the year in that I don't give myself those 5 to 10 minute breaks that come around every week or so) whether I write it or not.

JMG!

Well, so much for the "global warming" thing...

NOT!

Sorry, thought it was the 90s there for a second. And before that I had a moment at being absolutely appalled at the liberal weirdos trying to control me by daring suggest that we treat the earth a bit more nicely.. I thought I really had them there... yeah not really, sorry it really annoys me when these dickheads who think it's a real "gotcha" moment when it's colder than usual and therefore global warming is obviously wrong, then again I get annoyed at people who think that unusually hot weather means it must be true.. so there you go.

To my point. It's FUCKING COLD! Brr I say! It's been fucking freezing since just before the new year, we're getting temperates below -10° regularly.. And it's probably not about to end.

I did get the snow I was pining for, it snowed a lot over the past few days, it's fair to say we got dumped on. It's very pretty. Well it was pretty but now it's turned to brown mush, but I still see it as beautiful because I'm an artist, I love the realness of the grey muck in the urban squalor. Cos I'm deep n stuff.

Of course, it snowed for a few days, which was pretty. But then it stopped, but remained really really cold. The forecast, which has been uncharacteristically accurate of late, says that the next week the weather is going to be clear, but really really cold. It's quite perfect because though it will be too cold for the snow to melt, it won't snow anymore, therefore creating the perfect conditions for the creation of smooth, clear ice everywhere that people walk.

My ass is hurting already. Blah.

Holds breath

10 hours and 2 minutes.

*takes quick breath, then holds it again*

I'll get there. I'll sit still, stay in and just wait it out. Nothing can happen now.... Wait.. I didn't say that.

10 hours and 1 minute now.. 601 minutes.

10 hours now.

I'm calm

So.. that seems to be wrapped up, I've moved out of the flat, had the final meeting with the landlord and it's all over with, I've got control of my email address and I'm in position of a camera.. my internet is even working and nothing else too traumatic seems to be going on. In fact, not much has been going on around here at all. Sure all the minor (for me) problems that are so ever present they don't even rate on the disaster scale anymore are buzzing in the background, but nothing worth mentioning is going on, so I won't mention anything.

I just have to hold my breath and do nothing for at least another 30 hours, hope that everything stays dull and eventless, because for me that's about the best it gets. For now anyway.

After that I might think about doing something. Something fun, or something useful. I'll think about it then, when I breathe again.

A bright new world is opening up..

I mean.. sorta. Not really. I'm just going to class again tonight after about a month's break. It's good to get back to the world of creativity which I've neglected.. apart from taking wonderful photos, and coming up with brilliant prose in the middle of the night that I failed to ever write down.. but I've been starved for the acting part, but tonight I'm back in it.

I'm not really looking forward to it, I have to say. I don't know why, I have a door that isn't half bad, pretty good by my standards, which admittedly isn't saying much, but it'll do. I don't have an activity but I'm not going to stress myself out about it, and it's not in the freezing cold, dark shed behind the veggie shop that it usually is, we have a special venue tonight as we're also hosting an interview with a major casting agent in Prague, another thing that could be quite positive.

So I don't really have any excuse to not want to go, it will probably be quite good. I'm probably just being lazy. Or it's because of January. I think that's it, it's all Jan's fault.

I feel empty

Stupid me woke up today feeling somewhat relieved, thinking that things might get better. The last few days have been rather awful. I was supposed to move yesterday, something I haven't been looking forward to. I told the landlord a month ago and said that a friend would probably take over the flat, and even though he decided not to, I haven't bothered to update the landlord on this. I also hadn't moved most of or hardly any of my stuff out, and a meeting in the morning with my future landlord after waking up feeling utterly shit, due to a night of partying in the "office" actually the flat I'm moving into, and discovering the devastation left by the partying, really didn't help.

But I got through it, met with both landlords, came to a reasonable agreement, and got this place (the aforementioned "office") cleaned up. So everything was cool.

This morning I woke up feeling somewhat relieved, thinking that things might actually get better. So I came in to work, (to the "office") and my friend and partner was in his room, slumbering away. Considering the scene I came across yesterday, this was positively favourable.

My feeling of serenity lasted a few hours, until the guy in the bedroom woke up and yelled some questions at me. First I discovered that his phone was gone, which is a pain but not such a big deal, and then he asked "do you have the camera?"

I didn't. I mean, I didn't take it with me last night, as I sometimes do. I looked around and it wasn't here. Neither the old olympus or the my new baby, the Fujifilm.

The details are pointless and uninteresting, and they don't change the fact that it's gone, gone and not coming back. My life is empty, nothing has any point anymore. Why oh why do these things happen to me?

I blame January.

Jan must go!

I don't much care for January. It sucks. It's cold, it's miserable, it's boring. It is pointless and unnecessary. It's also the month where I have shit I have to deal with that I wish was over already, and the month I have to wait out until I get to the next month where things are happening that I want to get to. And isn't the calendar way overdue for a revisal.. I mean it's been the way it is since the Romans were around, and that's like.. years ago..

Jan sucks. And I'm not gonna sit here and just moan about it, I'm gonna do something! What we need is to get loads of people together and form a anti January resistance. We'll all get together and march on.. whoever and rabble rouse and generally cause disturbances. We'll keep protesting and causing trouble and noise until January is damn well gone!

So who's in? You get a free beer..

Just so you know...

I'm feeling quite awful at the moment. Not physically, though I don't actually feel that great in body, but more that I'm rather depressed.

It's not such a big thing, so you can hold the concern, it's just more of a terminal case of the blahs, brought on by having a pretty much dull life, pointless existence and waning interest in the only things that have been interesting to me lately. Oh and pissing off someone so they don't want to talk to me, due to my own big fat mouth, or rather big fat typing finger, which is actually all of them seeing as I type "properly". Anyway it might resolve itself, and if it doesn't it might not turn out to be so bad. In any case I need to finally start going out and doing "stuff". Enough of this not doing anything but sitting at the computer, there's only so many times you can blog about that and make it interesting.

Strangely enough, the spellchecker doesn't count "blahs" as a misspelling.