You might remember yesterday that I was feeling lazy and couldn't be bothered to write down all the brilliant stuff that I'd thought of the night before. Well, This is not that stuff. This is some other crap I thought up about the same time.
Via Pandagon I found this letter to Dear Abby, which moved me.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.Abby replies basically saying that cooking doesn't make you gay and don't worry about what Dobson says, bla bla bla. Bullshit! This woman needs help, not some wishy washy reassurance that everything is going to be ok. So I thought I'd supply that help.
I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA
This is my letter to WORRIED MOM.
Dear Worried Mom.A much more helpful letter don't you think?
Are you mad? Your husband is cooking and cleaning like a friggin maid and you're wasting time writing to me about your son? News flash! If cooking and cleaning make you gay then YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY! You are married to a gay man, get out of this marriage immediately.
The first thing you must do is get your son out of this environment immediately. A boarding school, a Christian or military establishment where the punishments are strict and harsh should be ideal, and quickly overrule any of the negative influence you have irresponsibly let your husband have on your son.
Then you can work on getting a divorce. Do this as quickly and cleanly as you can while securing full custody of your son and all of your husbands money. This shouldn't be difficult as the courts are so biased in favour of women in divorce, which is TOTALLY OK in this case.
We have a problem, you are now a single mother. I don't want to go into all the problems that can cause, I would be here all day, what we must focus on now is to get you married again as soon as possible. I must be done quickly but it must be done right, God knows you fucked up the first time so this time you have to be careful.
What you need is a manly man, a man who likes sports and cars and doesn't bother himself with women's work. Someone big and strong and filthy, truckdrivers are a good bet. Plumbers, construction workers, any blue collar worker should be a good start.
Once you get your trucker/plumber/builder home, you need to test him. Just his profession isn't enough to make you sure, we don't want one of the Village People do we? Try inviting him over early, while you're still in the kitchen. When he comes in give him a drink and let him sit down and watch TV. If he chooses anything but beer and sports, forget about him.
After about half an hour ask if he can help in the kitchen a bit. If he flat out refuses saying that he don't do no stinkin' women's work, and sits there smoking and farting, you're on a winner, you can marry him tomorrow. If he comes into the kitchen and cooks up a storm, kick him out.
If he comes into the kitchen and sheepishly potters around looking helpless, ask him to boil water. If he literally cannot do it he deserves a chance, he's probably just trying to impress you as you're still in the courting stage. If this happens just giggle and say "silly me, asking a man to do women's work, you go back and watch television, I'll tell you when dinner's ready". If he breathes a sigh of relief, he's good.
Now you can get married. You're the wife of a manly man, and it's time to bring little Johnny home. He's safe now. Make sure your man knows what his duties towards his new son are. Discipline and throwing a football around, beyond that childraising is your job. None of that comforting and nurturing shit, in fact when he comes crying to you about something, it's a good idea to send him to his dad to be told that boys don't cry and be beaten around a bit.
If you do all of this, your son should be just fine. If he still turns out gay in spite of all of this, then there's something else unspeakably terrible about you that you're not letting on about.
9 comments:
You bet. I'm busy celebrating heroes day with a beer a shotgun and an apron, in which I do the dusting..
I think you missed one line out of your reply - 'And remember, if he hits you, it's because he loves you and it's his manly way of showing it.'
Thanks Nick, you´re right. How could I have left that one out.
*laughing hysterically*
Ohhhh, the old "my husband is making my son gay" problem. There's a simpler solution: Is he butt-fucking your son? If he is, this is a minor indicator of potential homosexuality.
Angry, I think that if father is butt-fucking the son the family has more problems than just a little gayness.
Denny, call me hoplessly out of touch, but I have no idea what that means.
Ok, yeah. I see your point.
I personally think that worried mom wasn't telling the whole story. Sure, simple cooking and cleaning sounds innocent enough, but what she failed to mention was that he floats around the house in a fluffy apron doing the dusting while singing Barbra Streisand songs.
Current research has concluded that the desire to be in the kitchen, in itself, is not an indicator of sexuality. However, there are certain culinary behaviours that signify a 90% probablity of homosexual tendencies.
Overlong preparation of pork sausages is the most reliable, manifested as a tendency to fondle them lovingly, rather than getting on with pricking them and shoving them into the pan or oven. Further studies have shown how eating them, can also be indicative of a love for one's fellow man. Here, the sausage enters the mouth, but is not pierced by the teeth; instead, the tongue is rolled around the head (the end), for an indefinite period, varied only when the sausage is forced, as far as comfort allows, into the oesophagus, and slowly, very slowly, drawn back with relish. If this is repeated and performed with the eyes closed, the subject is most definitely gay.
A less reliable indicator is the subject's affinity with raw liver. If during preparation, his hands linger, constantly feeling it's unique texture, sometimes folding it and squeezing his finger inside... then fear not, you have a red-blooded male on your hands. But be very concerned if he shows either aversion or a workmanlike attitude towards it. Conclusive, is the exclaiming of "Ewww!", and lisping, "It'th 'oribble!".
Scientists have yet to perfect a conclusive test for lesbianism. At present, they're studying the differening female methods of biting into furry, soft, juicy peaches. Results will be published next month.
Hmm. Sausages are pretty popular here in this part of the world, particularly with men. Lucky there are plenty of manly American men around.
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