I may become a biblical scholar after all..

you know, I've tried once or twice to read the bible..  you know that book that's supposed to be the central whatsit of that big religion thing that so many people in the world, and specifically any part of the world I've ever lived in (at least culturally if not very much in the following it properly way of things, not here where I live now anyway, but whatev) make such a big deal about but.. I got as far as genesis.. something something, very early. They start going on about someone begat someone and I start to snooze.

I mean it's not that I have the most honorable intentions for reading the thing. I've already decided it's rubbish, and the whole religion it (well partly, along with the whole institution of the or various churches which is/are not necessarily entirely true to the bible, if random stuff I read has any truth to it) er.. yeah the religion that follows it is at best something that has no value for me, and at worst an oppressive, murderous, regime which wants to control everyone.. and mostly somewhere in between, but I don't care to follow it, or indeed believe in the basic premise of a magic guy up there who controls everything who is simultaneously super nice but also a total dick. My main reason for wanting to know what's actually in the thing, apart from the best known stories that most people know is.. well, just knowing stuff. It's a load of rubbish but it's an important load of rubbish to the western world, and it's good to know something about what people believe, if most of the time it's filtered through various writings by preachers over the ages but anyway. And it can tell us something about the people and the culture of the time it was written.

Just what am I bleeding raving on about already! Well it's this. The Brick Testament. The bible told with lego people. It's awesome.

Probably the best Scottish invention of them all...

The Rapture is supposed to happen this Saturday. It won't affect me much.. for obvious reasons. Well perhaps not obvious.. I mean, it should be obvious to anyone who's slightly paying attention that it will not affect me personally.. I will be going nowhere.. but neither will anyone in my near vicinity, probably.. so no looting for me, most likely..

well.. I will be in the Old Town Square.. waiting for a tour which probably won't happen, so I might position myself near any wealthy looking Tennesseans I can come across.. waiting for the wallets to drop...

of course if I do get a tour, wouldn't that be awesome to have a couple of people vaporize in the middle of it.. might not be the best advert for most tours.. but we're ghosty so..


of course, it could be all made up.

Well.. it's been nice knowing you.

Goodbye blog world, goodbye internet.. it's time for me to go.

Well.. it's been nice, sort of, I've loved it, obsessed about it, and spent more than half my life on it, but now.. fuck it. There's no point, I write the most incessant drivel.. no one bothers to comment, and probably doesn't even read... I have nothing to write, except for the tedious details of my life, a record of my constant failures, a reminder that my dreams that I hang on to are not happening.. that my life is going nowhere..

so.. I'm ending it. In exactly 5 hours and 45 minutes this blog will self destruct. I mean.. destruction by hands of me.. and no only will I not be updating.. it will be no more.

It's got to be done. Not just the end of the blog, flickr too, and all my other internet activities, even email.. I mean it.. I'm going totally luddite on y'all... well not on y'all because I will no longer be in the life of people who aren't even right there anymore.. that's right, my friends, the people I know, the people I speak to.. will be limited to the people who are in the vicinity of where I am. Imagine that people? Remember that.. it was like that, not all that long ago....

And I will go outside. Smell the flowers.. I might start growing my own food, concentrate on work, proper work, which produces something... go out to the country, raise a family maybe.. find a church and make some friends.. or rope some friends into going there, if said country is in this Czech republic.. and promote good old fashioned values, for real people, with real lives, families, and communities.

So.. I guess that's it. Goodbye.

Because the old one just doesn't have enough smitin' in it...

The Bible. It's holy, it's famous, it's important and stuff, it's the Bible of.. well, all things everywhere (well if you happen to be one of the people who are into the particular religions that use it as their texts enough so you really believe in it, which, admittedly isn't the majority of the earth's pop but whatev), it's old. Really really old.

So time for a rewrite!

Ok.. I know it's been translated and re-translated and there are tons of different versions of it but let's just for the sake of what I'm saying now say there is one and only version which is directly word for word what Jesus and such dictated to their editors, and that version is the KJV.

Well now the Conservapedia people are now working on a new version, The Conservative Bible, appropriately enough, to avoid that insidious Liberal bias that infiltrates "literally" everything in our world. Including the bible. You didn't think Jesus was really chilled out and stuff did you? Liberal bias! As the Conservapedes state:

There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning are, in increasing amount:

• lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts introduced by Christ
• lack of precision in modern language
• translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.

Well, you know, they have a point. I know nothing at all about this stuff, but even though there are experts on this, I'd think it's still pretty much impossible to get a completely accurate translation of ancient texts. And just perhaps there is a bit of a what I'd call a modern bias, not so much into the smiting and slaughtering and slavery stuff these days. I guess that's what they call liberal. In fact, the stuff that is in the bible that's already been distorted by girly fags seems pretty horrific to me.. some of the stuff in there anyway, one of the reasons I am not a fan of Christianity, in fact. For the Conservapedes that very stuff is too peaceful and loving, or whatever, and that's a bad thing. So it's up to them to fix the bible, according to the following guidelines:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level^[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms to capture better the original intent;^[4] Defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words that have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction^[5] by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";^[6] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Inauthentic Passages: excluding the interpolated passages that liberals commonly put their own spin on, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."

Because obvs the original bible was pro capitalist and afraid of girl germs. You'll be happy to know that those hardworking boys have already started.

Happy Sunday!

God is with us...

Being a Wednesday, the proper time for him to be hanging around. On this blog anyway.. the rest of the time he seems to be conspicuously absent, I suspect this is due to a chronic case of non-existence, but some seem to disagree with me there. Anyway...

REV 22:1... "And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb."

a) You see God, (in spite of all that murder, genocide, bigotry, misogyny and all that other lovely stuff) is pure. Pure like water that hasn't got any muck in it. When he murders it's the right thing to do because the very definition of right is what God says is right, and God can do no wrong so if He does it it's right. Capisce?

b) And he brought me to a beautiful place, where the sun shone, the birds sang and there was a beautiful crystal clear lake, with bunnies and lambs frolicking around without a care in the world.. the water looked so inviting, so we tore off all our clothes and jumped in... along with the fishes which were our friends, and the bunnies and lambs jumped in too, to join the fun, and we had a lovely picnic under the water... and built a city where we all lived in harmony and happiness..

c) When God takes a piss, he really takes a piss.

Carry on..

The mind, it just boggles...

I'm spending this Wednesday with God, which I've rather neglected of late. To those of you unfamiliar with my work of old, it's when I pick a random bible verse and come up with a few different interpretations of it. For example...

John 18:26... "One of the servants of the high priest, being his kinsman
whose ear Peter cut off, saith, Did not I see thee in the garden with him? 18:27
Peter then denied again: and immediately the cock crew."

a) Er, some guys are in a garden together, one of them who had his ear cut off by some perverted cunt and they're acting as if it's just some matter of fact thing, and a rooster crows. I'm sorry but what kind of sick fuck cuts someone's ear off? That's just not normal.

b) Sorry, all I can think of is porn, and some pretty sick stuff too.

c) He he, he said "cock crew".

Add yours in comments if you wish.

Now for the fun part, adding tags.

Satan can't come out and play, he's been a very naughty boy

Some would say extremely naughty, the naughtiest you can be, downright evil in fact!

And I would say, now come on! Evil? How do you know, what did he ever do to you?

It seems as though all he's ever guilty of is tempting people to have sex or have negative, nasty thoughts. And have you ever notice that he never actually DOES what he's supposed to be guilty of? He apparently just makes people do stuff? That makes me suspicious right there.

Let's face it he's a lightweight, he's the Diet Coke of evil. In fact he's not even the diet coke, he's the low calorie version of a warmed up glass of awful so called cola that's produced in the Czech Republic of evil. He's insignificant.

Especially if you compare him to God. Now there's a guy with some atrocities under his belt. In case you're still thinking that God is the good guy, here is a list of just some of the stuff he's responsible for. And this is all in the bible or otherwise claimed by Christians themselves, so it's not like some godless heathen just made it all up.

Expelling his tenants, and creations from their garden for eating an apple

Wiping out all of his creations except for one family in a devastating flood because he decided he really didn't like them after all.

He inflicts death, destruction and famine upon the people of Egypt because of the actions of their Pharoah.

He turns a woman to a pillar of salt for looking back on her city.

He sends his people out to rape, pillage and kill time and time again, just cause he feels like it.

And more recently,

He sent AIDS to punish homosexuals.

Sent the terrorists who flew into the World Trade Center to punish the United States for having amongst their population gays, abortionists and feminists.

Sent Hurricane Katrina to devastate New Orleans, again because of gays and abortionists.

Not to mention the thing with his son, his own flesh and blood who by the way he wasn't around to see grow up. He made him hang on a cross, with nails through his hands for days, being jeered and spat on, in order to save some people from an eternity in the bowels of Hell because of some arbitrary rule he made up ages before that he could easily have just changed if he wanted to. I mean what a dick!

We see here a picture of a God who is a genocidal maniac, and most probably a repressed homosexual. Satan is a mere joker in comparison.