Wednesday, what do you do when the job's been done for you?

I wrote earlier about the new improved Conservative bible. It's not done yet, but they (The Conservapedia people or as I refer to them for short "Conservapedes") present me with a dilemma. How do I translate random bible verses taken out of context when it's (sorta) been done for me? Yes, that's a rhetorical questions, and the answer is whatever I'll do it anyway, but this time I'll take a verse out of their book, and do it. Worth a try.

I should pick a random one but for this special occasion I'm going to begin at the beginning, in Genesis. I'm going use verse 2:21:

So God created gigantic sea creatures, and made the waters teem with every moving creature after its kind, and every winged bird after its kind. God approved it because it was good.

a. (Not really a translation, it's the Conservapedia analysis) "The largest of sea creatures included more than the great whales. They also included several species of marine dinosaurs, at least two of which (the Loch Ness creature and "Predator X", identified in the Bible as "Leviathan") survived the Great Flood." :) kay...

b. And like, this giant sea dragon rose out of the water and grew and grew and it like flew off and turned pink and offered us sausages and then disappeared in a puff of smoke and dude.. what is this shit this shit is good!

c. Actually this really happened, it's a metaphor for evolution, see, life started in the sea right? That can't be a coincidence.. or maybe creation really is real.. I'm a bit confused but whatever it is God totally did it.

Um.. yeah. Whatev.

Because the old one just doesn't have enough smitin' in it...

The Bible. It's holy, it's famous, it's important and stuff, it's the Bible of.. well, all things everywhere (well if you happen to be one of the people who are into the particular religions that use it as their texts enough so you really believe in it, which, admittedly isn't the majority of the earth's pop but whatev), it's old. Really really old.

So time for a rewrite!

Ok.. I know it's been translated and re-translated and there are tons of different versions of it but let's just for the sake of what I'm saying now say there is one and only version which is directly word for word what Jesus and such dictated to their editors, and that version is the KJV.

Well now the Conservapedia people are now working on a new version, The Conservative Bible, appropriately enough, to avoid that insidious Liberal bias that infiltrates "literally" everything in our world. Including the bible. You didn't think Jesus was really chilled out and stuff did you? Liberal bias! As the Conservapedes state:

There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning are, in increasing amount:

• lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts introduced by Christ
• lack of precision in modern language
• translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.

Well, you know, they have a point. I know nothing at all about this stuff, but even though there are experts on this, I'd think it's still pretty much impossible to get a completely accurate translation of ancient texts. And just perhaps there is a bit of a what I'd call a modern bias, not so much into the smiting and slaughtering and slavery stuff these days. I guess that's what they call liberal. In fact, the stuff that is in the bible that's already been distorted by girly fags seems pretty horrific to me.. some of the stuff in there anyway, one of the reasons I am not a fan of Christianity, in fact. For the Conservapedes that very stuff is too peaceful and loving, or whatever, and that's a bad thing. So it's up to them to fix the bible, according to the following guidelines:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level^[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms to capture better the original intent;^[4] Defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words that have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction^[5] by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";^[6] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Inauthentic Passages: excluding the interpolated passages that liberals commonly put their own spin on, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."

Because obvs the original bible was pro capitalist and afraid of girl germs. You'll be happy to know that those hardworking boys have already started.

Happy Sunday!