Somewhere by the sea

I need a holiday. Not that I ever do anything, but I just need a change. Something that will make me feel like I have some kind of life.

Actually I don't need a holiday, I need a change. I need to move on and do something with myself. This is something I've known for some time. I have my own place, which is working out fine for now, I need a job, that is a practical necessity, I need money, I need the things that money will by, but that isn't what I'm getting at. Even if I get a great job, with reasonable pay, I will still have an empty and pointless life.

I need something else. Something that gives my life purpose. I used to want to act. I went to drama school, I had aspirations, however unrealistic, to be successful, famous, a star even, but I told myself I would be happy to be able to make a living doing what I love.

I still want to act, I'd like to be able to have regular work that's actually paid, be in a long running production, to get paid for small parts in films and ads, but at this point none of that seems likely. At my age actors have experience. They have lists pages long of the plays and films they've been in, and that's just applying to be in student films. I have a few little vague episodes to jot down, it's embarrassing.

It would be pretty much the same applying for any kind of job. A cv of mine would be pathetically sparse. I spent too many years doing nothing. I roamed around, letting my feet take me where they led, without any plans. It was great when it was great. I did a lot and met a lot of people I never would have otherwise. I had a lot of experiences I would never have dreamed of, and certainly wouldn't have deliberately been a part of. I found myself in a lot of trouble as well, which I somehow miracled getting out of.

When it was bad, it was really bad. I was stuck a few times. After having spent so long basically being a bum, I wasn't able to get out of it so easy. When you're not not so young, you have no education, no qualifications and very little in the way of work experience, it can be difficult.

I'm happy for all the crazy experiencees I had, but I'd also like to be ultimately in control. When things are fucked up, I want to be able to stop it. When the wandering around being a free spirit isn't working out anymore, and I know what I want, I want to do it. I haven't been a free spirit for a long time now, so it's well past due time for me to seize complete control of my life. I'm too old for this shit anyway.

If I could figure out what I want it might be easier. Do I want to move again? Is 6 years in Prague more than enough? If so, where would I go? Would I become bored and discontented once the novelty of being in a new place wore off? Probably.

Sure I can still try to be in bad theatre to make up numbers, I can write a blog that at least a few people read. I can make more friends so I can whine about this stuff to real live people instead of just on the internet. I could have a baby, find Jesus, take drugs.

Or maybe I'll just take a holiday.