Residing somewhere in the vicinity of the dumps...

*sighs*

well.. last night was nice.. I mean.. mishaps, of course, but overall nice, took people on a tour, and they liked it, they liked me! That's been happening a fair bit lately.. so I felt good about it.. for a while..

at some point in the night I realized it doesn't really matter. I'm still me, I'm still the person who's at the bottom of the metaphorical barrel, whatever barrel I happen to be in.. or something like that, and down went the spirits..

it's just.. it's just being me. It's always like this.. I always try things, new things, things over and over again and always.. just always it turns out the same. I screw it up somehow.. sometimes it's outright fuck up, sometimes it's just be ordinary and forgettable.. sometimes it's get by but compared to others.. it's not good enough. Always at the bottom. Again and again and again.. and I feel it, I know it, but people reassure me it's going ok, I'm being negative, I'm being hard on myself. but I always turn out to be right, every single time. It's the one thing I'm good at, being a barometer for my own suckage. If only there was money in it.

Stupid stupid things.. things that other people.. for the most part, at least not many of them, at least not again and again, don't have happen to them, improbable, unlikely things.. if it's required for me to be kept from reaching the modest heights of ok that I strive to achieve, it will happen.

Yeah, I'm negative, yeah I'm whining, yeah other people have it worse, whatever, I hate this shit.