merry xmas

holidays, shmolidays

It's "that time of year", the time of xmas, the solstice, festivus and many more holidays too numerous to mention ranging from thousands of years old to slightly fewer thousands of years old holidays based on the older ones with slight changes to relatively new ones to considerably new ones with various levels of basing on older holidays based on still older holidays, aka "the holidays". So we got that out of the way. I'll be having a modest one which I expect I usually say. Just staying in, having a half assed, partially based on a modified version of 2, maybe 3 different traditional xmas meals, with not a whole lot of booze this time seeing as one of the parties involved doesn't drink, that said the party I just now referred to is not oneself so one may choose to indulge, perhaps, quite a bit. And that's about it. There'll be some quiet giving of a small number of modest presents, perhaps a tree or at least an artwork somehow based on a christmas tree, not my responsibility so not sure what's intended, and a kitty. yes, we have a kitty, just for christmas, it's Cecily again, if you know who she is. It's weird these holiday thingies. I always know it's not going to be a big thing but I always feel it should be done properly, with everything prepared ahead of time, trees and tinsel and engaging with other people and lots of food of a particular sort and all that goes with it, so I do nothing until the last moment, when I realize oh shit christmas is like, tomorrow and everything is going to be closed from like, yesterday so I go off in a rush to get all these things I absolutely need to get to have everything just perfect and I get like maybe, um, one of them. And that's what I'm doing now. I mean the nothing bit, not the actually kind of doing, or trying to do the stuff bit, no, it's way too early for that, there's still like 2 days left until christmas, 3 if you don't count all the days everything will already be closed, so maybe tomorrow at some point in the early afternoon I'll feel like I really should go out and, you know, stuff, but I'll decide I can't be bothered and anyway there's still another day. Then the next day I might rush around like a mad chicken and get nothing done and then the holiday will come and we'll be here, eat and watch tv like we always do which is always fine except we'll have a kitty here. and that's about it really. Merry Christmas and all that or whatever you celebrate. Hope you've got all your shopping done and everything is good.

why hello

it's another month yet again, the last o' the year I thought I'd sign in. Being a lady of leisure these days, ie between jobs ie unemployed I have plenty of time to write so I've no excuse, except I couldn't be bothered, so here's a picture instead. I consider it sorta seasonal.

Done

So I managed to do one thing this year. Among all the others of course but none of that matters, the thing that matters is I was in a movie. You don't see me, really, and barely hear my voice, but I was in it. At least one, and now I can look forward to the next year and hope there are more and dammit there better be a fucking load more!!! Anyway, done, chickens hatched and counted, recovering (slowly) from a flu (grrr) that's put me out of commission and unable to go to work (yay, sorta) for a few days. This is me as I appear in the film.

I shouldn't count my chickens..

but I am, a little bit. So, my acting "career" has pretty much dried up before I even started it, and I haven't done anything, I mean not a damn thing, not a minute in some friend's practice scene or a bit of improvised street theatre or a goofy cabaret act in some bar or a 42 second long self made self acted self shot film or a voiceover for a teaching video or a fuzzy blip in the background of an ad for flannel rags or a non speaking background role in an indescribable piece of theatre with over 50 cast members or a wife in a student film... nothing. I was in despair that I wouldn't act in a single thing this year, and that was vexing, very very vexing. Oh I got offers. Like, 2, both for the mother and the wife respectively. I don't mean a character with a story that does stuff who happens to be a wife or a mother, or even "a" wife or "a" mother, it was for "the" mother/wife. Both very small roles and both cast as about my age. Why would someone cast me as someone my own age!!! I look younger.. I swear I do, everyone tells me I do... I do I do I do!!!! anyway.. both of them were for like, the next week and obviously days I was working at my ob which I've quit but still have because I work almost every day of the week at this job and the likelihood of them happening to be shooting on my day off was small. I mean, I'd like to be in a position where I'd calmly turn down a tiny non speaking role of the mother of the person who is the person who has a story in the film and be confident that I've moved on from that sort of thing and can do better but.. as I said, done nothing for ages, so I would have accepted them, except, finding someone to cover you for a tour that hardly anyone at the company does.. not easy. So, no go. Anyway now I'm in one, next week. It's for a mother but it seems like it's more "a" mother than "the" mother, age unspecified, and they contacted me in enough time to request those days off, so I'm in it. So.. that's it, if nothing else happens between now and December 31, I've at least been in one this year. Of course, haven't done it yet so perhaps I'll have to return those chickens yet. Will let know.

Change is afoot.

I just made a big change. Thing is, I'm not sure it's going to take, exactly. Time will tell. I made this change, I'd like to say triumphantly but seeing as it's due to me failing at life yet again, I'm not sure I can claim that. Again, time will tell. Yes, yet again I've fucked up, or not so fucked up, fucking up has a kind of art to it, people who are fabulously disastrous, people with great highs and lows, people you notice that have a weird and wonderful if sometimes difficult life. What I've done is just amble along, not being good enough and sinking down to generally just below average in a totally not worth writing home about boring manner. It's what I always do. And here I am. So I tried to take control of the situation, allowing me to keep a tiny semblance of pride. Perhaps it's a bad idea, in fact, I know it's a bad idea, but not doing this is also a bad idea and which one is a worse I have no idea, so I chose to do what I damn well felt like, and I don't know if it worked. I even fucking fail at fucking quitting, how does one manage that? The near future should let me know more of what my greater future will behold, but as for now I have to wait until they let me know.

For once I had it good.

And then it stopped. Of course, during the time it was good I was too busy being unhappy about other not good things, or the lack of other good things to appreciate how good it was. Now I do, but I don't have it. It's just typical. It was almost unfair how good a deal I had, for a little while. I mean it's overall fair because as I mentioned earlier on and go on and on about at length, there is a lot that is shitty for me and much lacking, so I reckon for once I deserve a good deal. Well I had it. Maybe not for too long but I had it. Guess that's it for me, that's all the luck dried up. All downhill from here.

I never write anymore.

It's true. I literally never write anything ever, anymore. This is however, typical of the times. I never do anything anymore, even the stuff I never really did before, at any point. I don't do any acting anymore, not entirely through choice but partially through laziness. I don't take photos anymore, not good ones anyway, and not often. I don't go out anymore, I don't travel anymore I don't even drink anymore. I don't do anything. Do you know what I do do? Well I already told you, it's nothing, but mostly I just work. And watch tv, read stuff on the internet and.. that's about it. I think it's pretty much it for me from now on.

Hanging around.

I sit and listen to the rain fall, and fall, and just go on and on and on as I enjoy the comfort of my home. It's a typical day, or is it? It's a day. It's not a particularly special day, not a terribly bad one but it's just.. just what it is. Life goes on, not terribly awful or anything, with the usual minor annoyances and worries, sometimes the worries are greater, never quite going away and every now and again rising back up to major(ish) trauma status just in case I'm ever in danger of forgetting about them completely and being reasonably comfortable. There are also some nice things, a nicer room, with furniture, and even bed coverings, the temporary visit of our sweet little Cece, but nothing spectacular, actually nothing really good. Never anything to counter the bullshit I'm always forced to face, never something that tells me yes, you will be alright, you are as good as you (when you're in one of your rare arrogant confident moods) think you are. No, just more reinforcement that I do have reason to keep that worry in the back of my mind, to never let it go. Yes, I'm whining. I know I have it better than anywhere between 50 and 80% of the world's population, no famines, no disease none of that bullshit but still, you know, fuck it, I'm not bloody satisfied with my humble lot and the fact I can't seem to be rid of these problems, relatively minor though they are, I'm sick of it, fucking sick of always worrying, always having it reinforced that I should be worrying and nothing on the horizon except for just more of it. So there! Apart from that everything's cool.

Kitty visit

We're blessed again with the presence of young Miss Cecily, as her family is on holiday.

Just beginning, or the middle, or all downhill from here..

so it's the summer solstice, at least according to google at least in the northern hemisphere at least, well here, the longest day of the year, "midsummer" and the first day of summer.

ok now.. I can accept solstice and midsummer or even the beginning of summer but midsummer and the first day of? Does that not make any sense to anyone but me?? Am I the only one paying any attention around here????

It's all wrong anyway. The solstice is on the 21st. I don't know why I insist on that and it seems to waver around the 20th to the 22nd but I feel it's on the 21st and the 21st it's on. And midsummer is the middle of summer, that is the halfway point between the first day of summer and the last, again, that should be the middle of July. Why? Well glad you asked. I've also decided to just do away with all the confusion and make all the changes on the beginning of the month, keep simple, keep it going by calendar date with well defined borders, so first day of spring is 1st of March, beginning of winter is 1st of December etc, at least in the Northern Hemisphere, which of course is the one which corresponds with those seasons.

Speaking of hemispheres, I may feel this way because of my southern background. I do of course hail from the southern of the hemispheres, and I don't know if it's just because it's done that way there or I never really paid enough attention to realize otherwise, but I remember considering the changes of the season from the beginning of the month, so, 1st of September, it's spring! No waitin around for the middle of the month, we're there already. This could be because of a couple of reasons, one, that I never really paid attention and it's not actually the case, or, coming from a European culture we celebrate holidays that evolved out of NH seasons, so there's not much point in lining up the seasons with those holidays and less reason to start spring or summer in the middle of the damn month. Just speculating really.

Anyway, it's just gone 9:22 and the sun is going down on (one of the ) the longest day of the year, from now on, it's all downhill (unless there's more tomorrow afterall) right up until the deep dark days of December. Hey I just alliterated. Happy Solstice!

Nothing really changes.

So much has changed since I started writing this blog. Not sure I remember exactly when that was but so much stuff since whenever that was! I mean I live somewhere different, I mean not a different country or a different city or a different part of the city really, but um, flat's a different one. Different relationship, been through a few, different job well I have a job which I don't think I did then or much of the time in between.

That's about it really. Ok so not much has changed. I'm still looking forward to that future time when I'm without the drudgerous worries of ordinary life and I'm actually doing something really cool where I, ok where I have money ok lots of money, relatively. When I actually go places and meet people and achieve things. Still have those to look forward to, all of those.

And things here seem to be the same. Exactly the same. Oh yeah there are some differences but really, exactly the same. People keep being people, dogs bark and trams get in your way. Most of all people can't stop fucking around with their flats! Everywhere I go every place I live, every year every month, all days of the week and times of the day (ok not the middle of the night but 7am areyou kidding me!!!) they're hammering and drilling and sanding and planning but mostly hammering and drilling and yelling in the hall but generally hammering, sometimes softly but just enough for you to notice and often heavily and drilling. Did I mention the drilling. At 7am. Drilling!!!

I need sleep.

May the 4th..

be with you. Or should I say B with U? Prince would put it that way, if he were still with us *sobs*... but anyway, here's an appropriate picture for this post/non post.. (hint it references the title and first line in case you're not familiar with what it's about)

have a nice day.

Burn em!

Good day to you from this final day of April of this year, yes, I'm getting in there to make sure I have at least one this month. Today is also the annual "Burning o' the witches" here in this country where people burn witches. No seriously. I mean not real witches that would be silly. And wrong. They're just fake witches. It all goes back to pagan times when they used to burn effigies of demons and spirits that represented winter.. then when they went all Christian they had these handy images of ugly women supposedly like the ones they burned for real, because they went around acting like they were human sometimes, so today they use this image, even though it's a bit of a strange and in some ways contradictory mish mash of traditions and mythology. It's even become a sort of hippy/pagan thing that people get drunk and do acid on, dressing up like the supposedly evil witches and everything. People are strange. Tomorrow is already may, can you believe that?

Surprise!

Hello? Oh well.. I'll just echo about here. Umm.. well.. still working, doing tours, lots of them. Um. Spring is coming.. er, taking its time it seems although it was warm today so perhaps something is happening well we'll see what it is like tomorrow. Er... Not much else really. *ponders* Yeah there's a reason I don't write much anymore.

Furry Friend

Been very quiet lately. And the period before that, and some months before that, and of course, the proceeding years, so, sorry, if anyone at all is bothering to check up here. I don't have much to say at the moment, but I do have a contribution. This is Cecelia.. or Cecily, or Cicilka, or snugglewums, or fuzzykins etc.. she's staying with us for a bit.

I need a desk job.

Somewhere well heated/air conditioned, and comfy, preferably home (and home would have to be made considerably comfy, of course), doing something that's not terribly difficult but still interesting, that is cool and meaningful, and pays really really well for about, er, not too many hours a week. This whole wandering around the city, being outside at the mercy of the elements is not working for me. It seems like yesterday, or at least a few months ago when I was whining incessantly about the heat. Then there was rain, and more heat, and it got cold, then warm again, and windy and.. well now it's cold. Really cold. Being winter that should not be so surprising, but I still have to go out there, wait around, freezing, and then go home without making any money, or worse, stay out for a few more hours as I shiveringly tell a bunch of shivering people stuff about stuff. It's more than slightly vexing. And you'd think this too hot/too cold would only be a small part of it, wouldn't you? You'd think, ok, winter and summer can get cold/hot, but sometimes it's mild and as long as you're dressed appropriately you're fine. Sure there are those extreme temps but only so many days, and then there's spring and autumn, positively lovely for walking! There's rain sometimes but there are umbrellas. You'd think that the far majority of the time it would be within the realm of reasonable walking weather. Well you'd be wrong. Or at least you'd seem wrong. I can't for the life of me understand where autumn and the mild winter and all of that went. It was so bloody hot not so long ago and now it's unbearably cold, like it was when i started next year. What happened to that 80-98% of pleasant walking (as long as you're dressed right for it and I at least, if people on the tour don't always, have the resources to get that right) weather? It doesn't exist, that's what. Maybe there are about 3 days of it but that's it. Three lovely days where you'd choose to go for a walk if you had the time off, otherwise, you'd stay in, watch telly, or maybe go to the pub if it's close enough, but that's it. Unfortunately, I'm stuck out there.