Sunday, July 31, 2016

Hanging around.

I sit and listen to the rain fall, and fall, and just go on and on and on as I enjoy the comfort of my home. It's a typical day, or is it? It's a day. It's not a particularly special day, not a terribly bad one but it's just.. just what it is. Life goes on, not terribly awful or anything, with the usual minor annoyances and worries, sometimes the worries are greater, never quite going away and every now and again rising back up to major(ish) trauma status just in case I'm ever in danger of forgetting about them completely and being reasonably comfortable. There are also some nice things, a nicer room, with furniture, and even bed coverings, the temporary visit of our sweet little Cece, but nothing spectacular, actually nothing really good. Never anything to counter the bullshit I'm always forced to face, never something that tells me yes, you will be alright, you are as good as you (when you're in one of your rare arrogant confident moods) think you are. No, just more reinforcement that I do have reason to keep that worry in the back of my mind, to never let it go. Yes, I'm whining. I know I have it better than anywhere between 50 and 80% of the world's population, no famines, no disease none of that bullshit but still, you know, fuck it, I'm not bloody satisfied with my humble lot and the fact I can't seem to be rid of these problems, relatively minor though they are, I'm sick of it, fucking sick of always worrying, always having it reinforced that I should be worrying and nothing on the horizon except for just more of it. So there! Apart from that everything's cool.

3 comments:

lekkerman said...

I don't have much to say really, after all, it's your life and you're entitled to worry about it, or not, to whatever extent you choose.

All I can say is, I've taken to remind myself that there's no point in me expecting life to magically arrange itself in order to make me happy. In other words, I'm lessening my expectations, and so far it's worked. I'm not ecstatically happy, but neither am I depressed. I think I'll settle for that.

Michelle said...

yes, I agree..

I mean I'm not good at being pragmatic and grown up like that, but you're right. Sorry for the late reply.

lekkerman said...

I had no choice but to be "pragmatic", I was falling into depression and I got frightened, then I remembered the old adage - "you can choose to be happy", so without directly choosing it, I made the depression disappear as mentioned in my comment above. T'worked, kind of... ish.

No need to apologise for the late reply, after all, look at how many posts of yours I've failed to comment on :P