What was that I was whining about again?

Oh yeah, getting older, getting old, getting even further away from an age where I can pretend I'm young enough to be young and stupid, and carefree and all the things we like about being "young".

I was going to stop but... I haven't had a great time of it since this last milestone.. actually, ever since the Sunday before the milestone, aka the day after the night that I actually celebrated said milestone, it being a Saturday at all.. I mean, I have a couple of drinks which by now I've mentioned more than once was a quite respectable night of not total debauchery, was all fucked with a hangover all the next day, felt almost fine the next morning except for what seemed like a tickle in my throat which may or may not have been the start of a cold/flu.. go outside, which in all fairness was very cold and contained a lot of snow, for about 5 minutes.. and then later on come down with the very cold/flu I'd been dreading.

Today I woke up all stuffy and frogthroated, and on top of that I've been getting these sharp pains in my back. What the fuck is wrong with me? I get that it's normal to get colds when it's like, really cold but this is really fucking tedious.

Ideally, I wouldn't have any of this, but second ideally I'd have a bunch of drugs here with me to deal with it.. I'm talking aspirin and cold remedies people.. don't get carried away, and nowhere to go, I'd just laze around, watching movies and feeling high.. but no, not only do I not have anything, not even a single aspirin, but I've got like.. stuff to do.. tonight I have to meet with this director person, tomorrow night I have class, the last one of the term so I really should go even though I still need to think of a fucking activity to do.. and Thursday I'm filming, all day, outside, on some hill somewhere.

I might have mentioned all this already.

*sniffles*

I'm not feeling well. No, I didn't go all out on my actual birthday birthday drinks even though it's a Monday and I said I'd take it easy. I have come down with something. I felt this morning that I might have a tickle in my throat, but I've thought that many times over the last few months and I've fought it away with garlic and wishes. Today.. by some time in the afternoon, it began to seem almost certain to be a sore throat. I still went out in the snow, to play a bit and get some pics.. well I had to, it was my birthday and the first big snow of the year, when I got back I kept hoping it was just a scratch but before long all hopes were dashed. I had a sore throat. Then I started sniffling. Then I went out for a wine.. which was planned, but it was planned as being after class which I didn't go to. Yes yes I know you're well enough to go for a wine but not well enough for class whatever, but still, that's what I did. Now I have a sore throat, am sniffly, feel head coldy and occasionally sneezy.

On my birthday too. No fucking fair.

*pouts*

*sneezes*

I think another drink is in order.

That number just keeps getting bigger. *sighs* I now have an age that consists of the number 7 and the number 3, and though the numbers are arranged in the more favourable (for me) order, it still is a bigger number than it previously was, and this has a tendency to make me the slightest bit melancholy.

But whatever.. it's my birthday, birthdays are supposed to be fun, and though I partied for it already, and spent all yesterday being punished for a relatively modest celebration, I am positively forced to drink again today, it being my real birthday and all. Just a few quiet glasses of wine in a local bar this time. I shan't get carried away or anything. I swear I won't. Honestly, it's a Monday, and I have a class tonight, and.. those reasons are enough. Besides, not a good time for getting real drunk around here, it seems to think it's winter.. and late winter, like January or whenever, I mean, snow in November isn't unheard of, it usually does, a little bit. It snowed a bit on Saturday, very little, and there has been a thin cover of snow on the types of places snow hangs about, but this morning we woke up to a full cover of white, and it still snowing so.. happy winter.. wee hee.. happy birthday to me.

Now I have to go think of an activity for this class tonight... will the stress never end!

Time to make that resolution again...

Too much fucking fun eh? I may have had that, though I don't know if there is such a thing as too much fun, if there is, that's not what I had. Don't get me wrong, the night was great, people came, everyone seemed to enjoy, in fact it was just right. We chatted, we laughed, we drank. No dancing on tables or blackouts.. yes, I drank, and more than I usually do, but no where near as much as I used to, when I forgot large parts of what happened and kindly friends would offer me information about the night in bits here and there.. oh yeah those were the days.. *sighs*

No, nothing like that, quite a respectable party really. So why the fucking fuck have a been so fucked up all day? I'd say it's because I'm getting old, and considering the day and reason for the party.. it would be somewhat fitting, but I've always had problems like this.. it's true, and particularly stupid considering the persona I create for myself here on the internet, which is not entirely made up. Yes, I get real bad hangovers.. sometimes, it can be random, and yes, I still drink too fucking much. Is there any hope at this point that I will grow the fuck up already. It remains to be seen, for the moment I've given up drinking, forever, but we'll see how long that lasts... in fact I'm planning on having a few quiet, respectable drinks tomorrow night for the actual real day o commemorating the birth of me...

I am getting old.. in barely 5 hours the number of years I've been around will climb higher, yet again, and I know it's just a number, it's not even one of those significant ones that ends in a 0, but it still seems bigger somehow.. Oh well. Might as well just enjoy it. But not too much.

The stress and anguish of having all this fun..

It's that time of year, a time when people have fun, whether they like it or not, goddammit, where people get together, and drink, feast and be merry, listen to music, dance, and get up to shenanigans...

yes, it's my birthday soon.. and the actual birthday falling on a Monday I'm doing the traditional thing and having my "party" on the weekend.. that is on the Saturday, that is today.

So.. I have my usual getalong gang that I've been spending such occasions with for years and years.. these people are coming, or at least some of them, but I thought this year, I'd have a few more come along.. I'm doing this class.. and some other acting rel stuff, and I've made quite good friends with some of those people... so I went ahead and told a bunch of people last week that I'm having a birthday celebration on Saturday, venue as of yet unknown.

And I started stressing right away. Where? Why on earth did I bring it up even? Does anyone actually have the slightest intention of coming? Oh well.. picked a place sometime yesterday.. a place where I neither have to reserve a table and end up with just 3 measly people, or, have nowhere to place the extra people should extra people come.. at least I think it's ideal for that.. whatev.

So.. I send out an email, tell or call certain people, and create an event on Facebook, my first ever..

where exactly am I going with this.. well.. it stresses me out. I worry that the place will be too full, or no fun, that some people will come, well, me Erik and one other person and they'll be bored because no one else is there.. I worry about certain members of aforementioned gang, who have a tendency to drink too much and be kinda weird... I worry that people who I invited are wondering why the fuck I'm bothering them with a stupid invitation to something they have no interest in going to...

and other stuff.

But I am looking forward to it. I mean, even if it's just 2 or 3 of us, it's dragging us out to a place we hardly go to.. and.. well they have drinks.

I just hope I don't embarrass myself or anything...

There's something in the air...

I think it might be silliness.

Yes, that season is upon us, almost upon us, or well on it's way to getting closer to upon us. For me, it's here. My birthday is soon, which for me is always a chance to commiserate, celebrate, go nuts, get mopey, and drink.. and then after that, well it's practically December. From here to Jan it's.. well.. any excuse to be as silly as possible to disguise the fact that it's horribly awful and depressing this time of year, and this particular year is a particularly awful and depressing one, if one cares at all about things like one's livelihood, which it must be confessed one does.. which mostly consists of drinking a whole lot.

I'm not sure if that sentence works or not, but quite frankly, I don't care. I'm being silly.

Well anyway, for the moment I'm not melancholy at all.. I'm rather joyful, and even hopeful, strangely enough. Can't for the life of me figure out why. I've only had a little wine tonight.

Something a bit lighter..

I spose.. well, it's a photo post. Caption this if you feel like it at all.

The post which doesn't including any self indulgent, vague mutterings of despair... and in fact has other stuff..

So today..

um...

o what's the use...

If there actually is a difference between "now" and "whenever"..

You might have noticed I've been feeling down lately. Or at least expressing myself on the blog in way which would lead one to believe that if in fact, the me that I present here, is based at least somewhat on the real me, that I am, in fact, feeling a bit down.

Then again, I believe I present myself somewhat as a negative person, in general. Whether it's more pronounced at the proverbial moment, I know not.. really.

There are reasons as I've mentioned though not explained, and yes, those reasons are valid. Then again, there are always reasons, usually some variations of the same ones... and really, right now, the real life concrete stuff that worries me.. the same old shit, not worse than usual.. so why am I so bloody mopey all the time?

yes yes yes, I'm so bloody mopey all the time all the time, but if we just go with the theme that I'm more mopey all the time than usual at the mo then well.. why?

I blame darkness, and rain. These are things I kinda like really. Well not really rain, I'm sorta neutral to negative on it in the way that most people who don't have crops are, but darkness, night, sundown all that, they're kinda cool. The thing is they're cool in their place, at actual night, when you come out of the pub or are strolling the streets being cool. In the afternoon, it's a different matter, when you're setting out to go somewhere, and it also happens to be raining. It kinda sucks, and to be honest, it kinda gets me down.

That's what I think anyway.

I can't be dealing with this..

Seriously that's the best catchphrase ever. It's such a versatile line.. can be used in "literally" a million instances.. especially if you're me.

Yes.. I can't, seriously, majorly, humungously can't be dealing with it. It being.. almost everything. Boring mundane money stuff, work stuff that isn't about the money part of it. Personal stuff as in dealings with people in my life, one of which is related to the non money related work stuff but I'll count it twice just the same. Personal stuff dealing with my inner self and the anguish of my being and all self indulgent crap. Stuff to do with.. I suppose, ambition, the acting stuff, my class, the stuff I do there, money...

and just life in general. I don't know if it's a Monday thing, this day of the week does tend to affect people in a negative manner, but I remember feeling this particularly strongly a week ago as well, not that it's never completely not there, or is that never not completely not there.. I dunno, too many negatives to plough through, but I reckon you get what I mean, as much as anyone can get what I mean who isn't me and even me sometimes.

*sighs*

I just.. can't.. be..

Frost in the mist.

I dreamt of walking through frosty grass this morning. I was by a field, and it was late late night therefore early morning, it was misty, and there'd been something happening there, I don't know if I was waiting for someone or if I just happened to be about and was thinking "oh yeah that's where that thing was, whoever should be coming out soon"..

anyway I saw people walking through the field and saw the frost and felt the urge to walk in it... so I got on the grass and wiped away frost with my feet leaving bright green foot marks. That part of the dream was really vivid. Now that I think about it, it shouldn't have been light already at the time that would have happened, not in winter. I dream inaccuracies.

That part of the dream was pretty vivid, as you may guess. In fact, a lot of what I dreamt last night/this morning was, but the other parts, some interesting and really strange stuff.. I can remember it was that, is all gone. I remember thinking when I just woke up that it was a particularly good night for dreams, and I had to make a note of them, particularly the bit where.... now I've completely forgotten. I just remember there was some strange goings on, different stuff, stuff that didn't relate to the other stuff as dreams tend to go. Funny how you can lose it so quickly after being in the real world for a few minutes. I do remember the frost really well though.

And apparently blogger doesn't agree that "dreamt" is a word, I suppose I should spell it "dreamed" but fuck it. I shan't.

Just what did I do?

I felt really crummy all yesterday, extremely crummy, monstrously crummy. The sort of crummy where you wish you would throw up, properly, instead of feeling nauseous and like you're gonna puke but not able to because there's nothing in your stomach to come out.

I may have told this story without including that information. Sorry.

Anyway, yesterday I had this awful throbbing headache that just would not go away, and would not subside.. no handy painkillers about and it was a holiday so most shops are closed and through Erik intended on going up the hill and getting some, due to some feelings of crumminess on his part, significantly less than mine, but nevertheless crumminess, we continued to have none. And I felt wobbly and nauseous and all that, but the headache would have been enough.

I did go out the other night.. that is I went to a "rehearsal" like a good Meisner student.. and then we went for drinks. It wasn't even that many drinks. Went to one pub and had some beer and consumed huge quantities of meat, then to another which I had to go to because I hadn't had any money on me so they had to pay for me so I sorta had to suggest we go to another place and I get get out money on the way.. you see how it is, I was positively forced to continue.

Well anyway, ok night, we came up with some really cool ideas for movies, or at least they seemed so at the time, and there was something funny about ducks, and we saw Erik briefly during the time and he was way more fucked up than me.. and I had like, 3 drinks total. That's it! Ok maybe 4.. maybe even 5 but that's it! For fucks sake even if it was 6, and that is truly the maximum number of drinks I could have had and that's being ambitious, I shouldn't have been so fucked up. I blame Staropramen, it's shitty beer anyway and I never get headaches that bad..

oh well. So it's about 2 days of never drinking again for me I guess. I'm alright now, thank goodness.

I was just wondering..

Is there some kind of web wide rss glitch thingy or a certain areas or platforms or whatever you call them glitch? A lot of my rss feeds aren't updating. I mean there were always sites where it was always fucked up but now all of a sudden a bunch that were working flawlessly all this time are jammed or whatever happens to them. I find it quite vexing and wondered if there's a reason for it or if it just happens to be a coincidence. Well?

It all escapes me now.

There are so many things, were so many things that I wanted to say. These things, some of them anyway were even kind of.. interesting, and not purely all about the minutia of my boring day. Some of it wasn't even about me, really.

But it's all gone now, either that or it's somewhere I would have to make an effort to access it, and then more effort to write it down in a way that's.. well, write it down, it seems I've never really bothered with making this stuff coherent so why would I do it in this case..

Anyway I wanted to update, and that's what I'm doing. Hope you're having a nice weekend.

*sighs, laughs, weeps, gets a bit giddy*

I wonder how tonight was, seriously I do. I went to my class again, after another day of boredom, waiting, and getting a whopping big bag full of new worries to add to the already present worries which is in a way all the same worry but it's getting bigger and quite frankly, it's boring me and I'd prefer to keep it all at a distance and not deal with it but that's not really working for me anymore...

*breathes*

so I had this ordinary day. And I was tired, being unable to sleep due in part to the aforementioned worries and some other stuff which is partly worrying and partly exasperating which is quite frankly embarrassing and I'm not going to go into detail about it, and it gets dark at like 4 so you know I was preparing to have a crappy evening.

I was determined to have a crappy evening! Sort of. It turned out ok though, I mean, I wasn't completely disconnected, had a few actual emotions here and there and may have once or twice shown one, and I got decent feedback. So it was alright.

So currently I'm feeling ok about that, for the moment, until next time I do it and feel all shitty again, but the other stuff, the stuff I talked about first and then the stuff after that. Well it's fucked.

*takes demure sip*

I had a charming evening last night, sitting at the bar of the theatre after a show, having a (quite overpriced but under the circumstances I'll tolerate it) beer, talking to many of my actor acquaintances of years past.. and they actually spoke like they actually wanted to speak to me, like I was a worthy fellow actor type or something.. which was quite nice. There was an impromptu jam on the piano and a couple of guys on guitars playing some jazzy stuff, some arty and cool American dude which thick rimmed glasses talking incessantly to his friend about all that he is knowledgable of which was slightly vexing, in an amusing way, at the time, and more humour than vex afterwards and we had beer which I may have already mentioned.

Oh and I saw a play before that. It was alright.