Free milk, come and get it! Hurry up before it dries up.

I mentioned not long ago that I might start a blog series on sex metaphors, or rather "sex as something extracted from the female body" metaphors. As I have nothing else to write about, I might as well start now.

I will begin with a classic. You may have heard this one before, it's in the form of a question, and it goes,

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

To begin with I'll break the sentence down for you.

• The question "why" is addressed to you, the man, the subject, the individual for whom everything is for.


• Buy refers to getting married.


• The cow is the woman, the one that is to be owned. I'll be playing this part(I know I wanted to be a dog yesterday, but alas I cannot deny my true nature).


• Milk refers to sex, which is something that is extracted from the cow/woman.

I am now going to answer the question, and give some reasons, on just why you would buy me (the cow) when milk is so easy to get these days:

1. The status that you get by being a cow owner, you're considered more grown up, you're more respected, and you have, (and are given the opportunity to acquire more) dependants who respect and look up to you.
2. You may receive other benefits from me rather than just easy access to milk. I might be useful in keeping the lawn trimmed, or maybe you can use my manure as a fertilizer, etc.
3. It might be worth your while to just buy me instead of going out and buying milk every day.
4. You may find me a good companion, someone you can share your hopes and desires with, who understands you like nobody else can. I am someone special to you, who you want to spend your life with.

So there you go. Reasons even for the most selfish of you. Now, it's true that my opinion doesn't count here, but as this question is usually a rhetorical one used to scold us cows for squirting our milk all over the place willy nilly, I thought I'd address some of my own issues with the question.

1. I might enjoy the act of giving milk for it's own sake and find it pleasurable.
2. I might enjoy the act of giving milk with you specifically because I like you and am attracted to you.
3. I might find you a good companion, someone to share my hopes and desires with etc, but not feel the need to be officially bought for us to share our lives together.
4. I might find you a good companion, someone to share my hopes and desires with etc, but have a particular aversion to being bought either for personal reasons or because I don't believe in the institution of ownership.
5. I may have no interest in either giving you milk or being owned by you, get over it.
6. I might not want to give milk or be owned by any man, as I prefer to share my milk with other cows.

I think that's enough, though I'm sure you could find more reasons for both a man getting married when he can get it that easily, and women giving away their sex without demanding a ring first.