Plastic shopping bags have all the fun..

Once upon a time, I had a little series going on the blog about sex metaphors, in particular the ones that treat sex as something to be extracted from the female body, like the famous cow one. and various others brought to us by modern day abstinence pushers that compare us to flowers, houses, pots and of all absurd things sticky tape.

It's been a while, but I'm inspired to bring it back from it's slumber by Paris Hilton, who has something to say on the subject. This time, we're designer handbags.

“I’ve only ever done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it’s important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag - they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won’t respect you. He’ll want you much more if he can’t have you.”

It doesn't work so well as an analogy, as noted here, what she's describing sounds more like a used bag, rather than a fake one, but I get it, designer bags are worth a lot and harder to get, therefore more desired. A woman who's higher quality (less used) and harder to get is more desired. Apparently. Also if you get a genuine designer bag for free, or for cheap because you just got lucky you'll value it less. And you won't respect it because.. just because.

It's not so surprising that this is coming from Paris Hilton. I don't really follow her much but I do know she's known as a big old whore and gets a lot of shit for it. She just wants to assure everyone, however clumsily, that's she's not like that, really. And it's sad, because no one will question the content of what she said, but will just laugh and say oh yes she is a slutty McSlut who sluts a lot! And then perhaps compare her to another inanimate receptacle for carrying stuff, but one that's cheap and worn out. It's already being said, you can see if you follow the first link.

And so the same old bullshit keeps being flung around. Even celebrities who make their name being sexy have to take pains to make sure that people know they don't act on it. Even women with more money than any man they've ever met see sex as something to be bartered for. What fucking year is this again?

Oh well.. one good thing about it is that I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of more material for this series.

Does it still count if your name makes you sound like a porn star?

Abstinence Only Ed is in trouble! This is indeed a problem, as it's one of my favourite subjects to ridicule in the whole wide world! For those that don't know, in America, they have this form of sex education in schools, which is basically summed up as "Kids, don't do it", and it's in danger of not receiving more funding to continue. But never fear! It's supporters are fighting to save it,

“You have to look at why sex was created,” Eric Love, the director of the
East Texas Abstinence Program, which runs Virginity Rules, said one day, the
sounds of Christian contemporary music humming faintly in his Longview
office. “Sex was designed to bond two people together.”

Actually I thought it was for the propagation of the species, though over the years we've figured out how to fuck without having to have a baby every time.. which I tend to think is a sign of being civilized.. but carry on..

To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two
fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped
dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married,
the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips.
“Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.”

Oh my god! It's Mr Tape! Is he any relation to Miss Tape? A brother? Maybe they're like, going steady but never had any more contact than a kiss on the cheek while having both feet on the floor! Oh, these 2 totally need to get it together if they haven't already. Get em both laid so they'll shut the fuck up and leave everyone else alone already!!!

But seriously. I can't believe this terrible metaphor has been used more than once. A tape that loses it's sticky? Don't get me wrong, pretty much all metaphors for sex used by just about everyone are pretty bad, but at least flowers are pretty and cars are cool, but sticky tape!!! Oh if you have sex you're like a sticky tape that's lost it's sticky, but if you stay off fucking then you're a piece of sticky tape that's still sticky. Oh that's much better. Bunch of fucking losers.

also here and here

Second hand pots have more fun.

Time for another in my sex metaphors series. I have to thank Feministe for this one. It comes from a site, about the people in America who are teaching young people about sex by using the revolutionary new "kids, don't do it" method. Abstinence Only Education, In Their Own Words.

One example of wisdom from the site, which can be found in the WAIT Training, Workshop Manual, yes a real life textbook used in real life school.

“Men sexually are like microwaves and women sexually are like crockpots...a
woman is stimulated more by touch and romantic words. She is far more attracted
by a man's personality while a man is stimulated by sight. A man is usually less
discriminating about those to whom he is physically attracted.”

A crockpot. Nice. It fits in with the idea of woman as vessel, a passive object who exists to be filled, who then lovingly nurtures it's contents until the desired outcome is achieved. And if you're the kind of girl who finds herself attracted to someone and ready to "do it" too quickly, you're just some kind of ordinary crappy old pot.

A man is a microwave. You stick things in it, push the button and you're done in a minute. Hmm, not sure if that's what they were trying to say.. but if you're going to compare the two things..

That's 'Ms' Tape to you

Goodness! I've been a cow, I've been a house and a pretty pretty flower. And now I'm a piece of tape. At least according to Jennifer Waters, the Sex Lady.

The Sex Lady teaches abstinence to American schools and church groups. Now, if you're wondering what you can teach about abstinence that goes any further than saying, "kids, don't do it", well the answer is nothing at all. But you can have fun saying it. Ms Waters likes to demonstrate her message with her friend Miss Tape.

She slaps a piece of clear tape across Julian’s arm. He winces.
“It’s gonna hurt when I take it off,” the lanky boy protests.
“But it’s fine now, isn’t it?” Ms. Waters whips back.
The puzzled looks on 18 eighth-graders at Carrollton’s Arbor Creek Middle School
brighten. The Sex Lady has made her point: Bad relationships hurt.

Not letting the boys off the hook here at all. Good on you Sex Lady.

The Sex Lady tells Julian to break up with Miss Tape.
"I don't wanna,"
Julian screeches before obeying. He cradles his arm as he sits down.

Poor Julian has just been dumped by that hussy Miss Tape. And it hurts.

Ms. Waters shows Miss Tape to the class before calling up another boy, Spencer.
"We got some skin, Julian's hair," she says. "Spencer, did you get a good
look at Miss Tape?
"You bond with Miss Tape," she says, slapping the strip
onto Spencer's arm. "Everything Julian had has now been passed on to you."

That slut Miss Tape (her first name is probably Debbie) has just given Spencer the clap, which she got from Julian. Thanks a lot Julian!

Ms. Waters does this again with a third boy, Jonathan. This time, when they break up, the tape comes off pretty easy.
"What happened to the bond?" Ms. Waters asked the class.
"It didn't hurt as much," a girl replies.

Debbie tape has lost all her sticky by now, so she doesn't have the power to hurt the boys anymore, (unless she's slept with Julian and given everyone the clap) and is pretty useless as far as tape goes so she's fit only for Mr Rubbish Bin.

Moral of the story being. Girls are evil and want to cause you pain, so boys, only fuck the sluts, because breaking up with them doesn't hurt so much, and you get the fun of tossing them in the trash like they deserve. When you like a "nice" girl don't fuck her until you marry her. And if you give her the clap because you slept with Miss Tape who slept with Julian.. well, that's just tough.

Girls, you're an evil piece of tape. You have the power to hurt a man by ripping all his hair out by the roots, until you've had sex a couple of times that is. By then you've lost all your sticky, and therefore pretty useless as far as pieces of tape go, so you're worthy only for the bin.

How to fix a broken window

Time for post #3 in my ground breaking new series about Sex Metaphors. Today I'll be revisiting the one which actually inspired this whole thing. It's from this book which bemoans the fact that young women today are ruining their lives by screwing around instead of demanding a solid commitment from everyone they fuck. The quote, which is written in the form of a letter to mothers and daughters, goes like this:

Your body is your property. . . . Think about the first home you hope to
own. You wouldn't want someone to throw a rock through the front window, would
you?

No. I wouldn't want my body violently assaulted by someone, whether a stranger or otherwise. Thanks for allowing me the ownership of my own body by the way.. no thanks for deciding for me what equals a violation of my own property.

Yes, we know, there are women who slut around because they have a crave affection or attention, because their father didn't love them enough etc etc.. who are left feeling empty and used after such encounters, yes we know there are men who are shitheads, yes we know that women get pressured into things they don't want to do.... but that's now how it is for everyone.

Oh yes it is! Or so says our wise and all knowing author. You might think you're perfectly ok with the arrangement you have with your man friend, and in fact quite happy to be having sex without worrying about long term commitments, or you might be looking back on the days before you were in your current blissful relationship without any regret... but no! You're fooling yourself. You are distressed. You feel wretched. Stop telling me you're ok, I'm afraid your thoughts don't enter into it.. this is for the big people to decide.

If you sit here and let me tell you how terrible you really feel, and it's really quite unbecoming to let yourself be used as a human bouncing castle.. and eventually your distress will come out and you will feel shame. Then you will be cured.

Bare stems have all the fun..

#2 in my Sexual Metaphors series comes to us from the Abstinence Outlet people who's best selling produce is this Abstinence Rose Pin. Their message is.

You are like a beautiful rose. Each time you engage in premarital sex, a
precious petal is stripped away.

Don't leave your future husband holding a bare stem. Abstain.

So now you're a flower girls. I don't know if that's better or worse than a cow but anyway... Your petals are your sex. Each time you have sex you lose a petal. Once you lose all of your petals you become a bare stem. And the man who you're going to marry one day deserves better than that, because, well.. because.

Well, each time you have sex before you're married you lose a petal, somehow magically one you have continuously rejuvenating petals, which a husband is allowed to pluck to his heart's content, I'm presuming. As it says "each time you engage in premarital sex you lose a petal" then I suppose it doesn't matter whether you're a full on slut, or whether you just have one boyfriend you have sex with. And just how many times do you have to "engage" before you have no petals left? That rose in the picture looks like it's got about 8 petals, does that mean if you have sex with one man 8 times after being with him for years (but not married to him) you have no petals left? And what exactly happens when you're an empty stem? Are you unable to have sex? Is the sex less enjoyable for the husband/god who has the right to have a beautiful rose as a gift without being obligated to give you anything special? Or is it just that if you've had sex before marriage you're a dirty whore (the more sex/more fellows the dirtier and whorier you are) and that's icky, no man wants to be where another man's been? Anyone going to clear this up for me?

Free milk, come and get it! Hurry up before it dries up.

I mentioned not long ago that I might start a blog series on sex metaphors, or rather "sex as something extracted from the female body" metaphors. As I have nothing else to write about, I might as well start now.

I will begin with a classic. You may have heard this one before, it's in the form of a question, and it goes,

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

To begin with I'll break the sentence down for you.

• The question "why" is addressed to you, the man, the subject, the individual for whom everything is for.


• Buy refers to getting married.


• The cow is the woman, the one that is to be owned. I'll be playing this part(I know I wanted to be a dog yesterday, but alas I cannot deny my true nature).


• Milk refers to sex, which is something that is extracted from the cow/woman.

I am now going to answer the question, and give some reasons, on just why you would buy me (the cow) when milk is so easy to get these days:

1. The status that you get by being a cow owner, you're considered more grown up, you're more respected, and you have, (and are given the opportunity to acquire more) dependants who respect and look up to you.
2. You may receive other benefits from me rather than just easy access to milk. I might be useful in keeping the lawn trimmed, or maybe you can use my manure as a fertilizer, etc.
3. It might be worth your while to just buy me instead of going out and buying milk every day.
4. You may find me a good companion, someone you can share your hopes and desires with, who understands you like nobody else can. I am someone special to you, who you want to spend your life with.

So there you go. Reasons even for the most selfish of you. Now, it's true that my opinion doesn't count here, but as this question is usually a rhetorical one used to scold us cows for squirting our milk all over the place willy nilly, I thought I'd address some of my own issues with the question.

1. I might enjoy the act of giving milk for it's own sake and find it pleasurable.
2. I might enjoy the act of giving milk with you specifically because I like you and am attracted to you.
3. I might find you a good companion, someone to share my hopes and desires with etc, but not feel the need to be officially bought for us to share our lives together.
4. I might find you a good companion, someone to share my hopes and desires with etc, but have a particular aversion to being bought either for personal reasons or because I don't believe in the institution of ownership.
5. I may have no interest in either giving you milk or being owned by you, get over it.
6. I might not want to give milk or be owned by any man, as I prefer to share my milk with other cows.

I think that's enough, though I'm sure you could find more reasons for both a man getting married when he can get it that easily, and women giving away their sex without demanding a ring first.