Waiting for a storm.

The forecast says it's coming, and I can feel it. The air is stuffy, then there's a breeze, a couple of raindrops, but it still doesn't come. I wait and wait, put everything on hold, until the inevitable happens but.. I just keep waiting. The atmosphere is heavy, I'm feeling low, lethargic, not knowing whether to wait or go or what to do? 

*whistles*

I mean a literal storm by the way, what you thought it was another clumsy heavy handed overused metaphor? I suppose it could be, it does sort of parallel one's life but really, how often can say the same thing one always says, and in pretty much the same way. And to be honest, I'm beyond caring. I would like to storm to get itself out of its system though, it's freaking the cat out.

3 kittens..

we have 3 kittens, 2 grey, one black, they all seem to be doing very well, active, playful, starting to eat solid food. Cecily is still not letting us too near, and really, they're a bit cautious about us huge lumbering beasts and don't let us getting too close.

The best picture I've managed to get so far..



 I will get more. *is all determined and stuff*

Drill drill, hammer hammer, clang clang.

This is what I live with every single day all day! Well most of some of the day most days. Still it's a lot, and it starts early. Every day.

They're fixing up the hallway and the door downstairs and retying or something or rather, or all of them. They come in, do some work here, leave it and do some work there, and go on their way of an evening leaving tiles piled up and rubble in the middle of the landing exactly where you need to step to get down the stairs, buckets and dust and chocolate bar wrappers on the stairs, until such time as they get back to doing that particular job, which seems to be after starting and leaving at least 2 other new jobs, some week or week and a half later. I may not be exact, but it's something like that. The scaffolding they had up in the entrance of the building for a month was actually used the first, second and last day, again, it may not be that exactly, but something like it.

And oh the noise. Did I mention drilling? And hammering, clanging banging, loud conversation right outside our door. It's loud, and it starts early. And we have babies here? Little cat babies who need peace?

It looks/looked like this. It sounds worse, but I probably don't need to subject you with that.

Kittens!

The kittens have moved to ground level. Well whatever level this is we're on, sort of 2 and a half, but they're downstairs now. There are 2, I do't know the status of the 3rd one, it's unlikely she still has one up in the loft so I think we have 2 kittens. The first one I saw was a grey sort of stripey one, I think that's the brave, adventurous one, and a black one, which is much smaller.

They're very cute, of course, she still doesn't like us getting to near them and they move too quickly to get a non blurry photo, so far. I will though, I will.

Anyway... kittens!!!!!

Kafka

by David Černý



via me.

Up in the air.

Hello down there, how's the weather on the ground? I speak to you from my long time home, here in the air. I visited you down there recently, thinking I might stay for a bit, but here I am again.

I have visited solid ground many times, over the years, actually lived there briefly a few times but somehow I always end up here. I make the mistake of thinking, again and again, yes this is it, this is permanent, I can relax and plan things and have some kind of orderly future. Silly me, I keep forgetting I'm me, who that is not for the likes of.

I'll see in a week or so, if I'm still here. If I move further out into the abyss (another place I've spent an awful lot of time and quite frankly like less than this thing air here) I won't be terribly surprised, though that would involve me knowing what's going on, and that's pretty unlikely, so I reckon I'll still be here. In the general sense of "up in this air here" which is a large area that I move around a lot, so I'll probably be over there but not down there with something solid beneath my feet.

I'm kind of like those kittens, I think, up high and who knows what's happening.

meow

Kittens update.

Dammit!

No update, nothing, bugger all. Those kittens remain secluded, sequestered away by their overprotective mother. I think. I'm beginning to wonder, for about the 4th time, perhaps the 6th or 8th, if there are any kittens. They've moved further behind their wall which has somehow been realigned by a cat. I don't hear them, I don't ever see any signs of them. Cecily keeps behaving as if there are kittens but she might just be mad for all we know. I have thought this before as well.

It's been so long since she had them, and since I've seen them (again) that I don't even remember there are kittens most of the time, by now they should be completely taking over this place, front and center of our whole world. These little furry babies have to be getting to the age that they need to move about, to go out and explore, see the world! And I want to see them?

Anyway, I'll continue to update you. Or not update you.

Classic Me

At home waiting.

I'm waiting for any information on what happening with me. In more ways than one, but the one which takes precedence over the others right now is the bar. Oh yeah I sort of maybe started working at a bar, so far I'm still sort of on trial, maybe they don't see it that way but I'll see it that way until I've done a couple of shifts successfully and then probably for another about 6 months, we'll see.

Anyway, I was supposed to do a shift. I showed up half an hour before opening, it was all locked up, and either no one was there or deep inside. I had no phone number for anyone because we've been corresponding on Facebook, having only a dumb phone, that doesn't help.

So I waited. Time went by and it came to opening time. Still nothing happened. I tried the gate a few times, and checked to see if it looked locked, it did. I'm sure it was locked, I swear looked at all the possible openings.

I tried calling someone to get the phone number of someone who I thought he might possibly have because people know people you know, and some of those people know people. Couldn't get through to his phone, so I waited called again, didn't get through waited called again didn't get through waited called someone else who was with him, spoke to him. He didn't have the number.

All the time thinking, what is going on? Is this my fault? Is the gate really locked, I mean it's supposed to be open now they wouldn't have an unwelcoming looking gate in front of the closed door when they're supposed to be open anyway and is this in some way my fault? How can it be my fault?

I know it's in some way my fault, or it will be seen as such.

They couldn't have expected me to open could they? I mean, I don't even really work there yet/maybe not even.

I could do nothing but come home, send a message explaining it to anyone who's contact I could find. And all there was to do was to wait.

Anyway, got a message back while I was writing, so it wasn't my fault, but damn, these vexing sort of things keep happening, like I said. Classic me.

Apologies for the outburst

Yesterday I posted ranting, raving, emotional mess of a post, with all sort of ugly thoughts and intentions to the world. I apologize for that. It was uncalled for. I mean I meant it, whole heartedly and fully and absolutely feel everything I wrote with a passion, for the world and for you, dear reader, who doesn't have my problems and has stuff that I should be the benefit of and yes I hate you and you suck, but it was most unbecoming and I should not have said it.

There is enough of that in the world these days. Am I to behave in such a vulgar manner with no thought of propriety, letting all of those feelings (which yes, are just and true and I have them and they are eating me up) just rush out instead of keeping them repressed, as a decent, respectable (which I'm not actually so it doesn't really apply to me but still) member of society does. Oh sure these young "millenials" everyone is going on about live their lives on Facebook, instagraming selfies, and letting every thought from the mundane to the morbid out to the world, but does that  mean we all have to?

No it doesn't. And as a mature member of society it behooves me to behave like a lady. Someone has to, these kids aren't going to do it for me. Therefore, from now on my conduct will be more what it should be, upright, decent and respectable.

Ok then don't laugh.

All my wishes.

I want a meal. I want to soak in a long hot bath. I want a miracle. I want and want and want.

Some of the things I want aren't too much to ask, I think. A fucking bath, a nice long soak to chisel all the sweat and grime and remains of a miserable and sick week.. er, however long it's been. A meal, not just food, a real meal, hot, and on a plate, with utensils. Something that fills you up properly, I want to stuff myself, just once. Asking for a miracle might seem presumptuous, but I really need one, in normal circumstances I'd ask for a bit of security, a feeling that I can relax and be comfortable where I am without always worrying about what's coming, a chance to go out and do stuff, normal stuff, fun stuff with friends, to travel, to go out for a night, to look upon the parade of cool summer events I come across every day and think "yes, that looks fun I might do that" rather than fuck that and all the people who "are interested" or "going" for having a life and not having to worry about shit that I have to worry about because I don't have a life and have to worry about shit I have to worry about and it's not fucking fair! I wish for something good, not just something that takes me out of this quagmire, if that's what it is and if it isn't I don't care because I like the word and I'm using it, but lifts me to a new, as of yet unreached level, where I can feel good and proud of myself for having done something well, and been given a lot of praise and money for it from all quarters of course, so I don't have to scroll through the achievements of often the same people having those fun times and not having the problems I have and instead of feeling happy for them I just hate them, and fuck them for doing stuff, I should be doing stuff and getting recognition for it, why are all these other people out there doing cool things, wonderful things, artistic inventive adventurous things when I'm not doing shit.

I'm not a particularly great person, you may have noticed. Still, I want things, whether I deserve them or not.

Birdy

This bird got stuck in my kitchen about a week ago. It's a tit. Either blue or great. *snickers briefly to self*



Then it flew out.

Less Sick, Still Doomed

I don't really have much to expand on that. I think I'm less sick, I sometimes feel I am then I start feeling more stuffy or coughy. I managed to get to the post office yesterday to pick up something which would have been sent back if I'd waited today. I could have done it earlier but I didn't want to, I didn't want to get it at all, I was sure it would be something to add to the pile of misery I'm dealing with. Turned out to be a neutral delivery, so I was rewarded for my effort, I suppose.

I am a bit better and I will get better, but what then? I have no prospects, no money, no future. At least not yet. The longer future probably, by the law of probability will provide me with some sort of, at least survival, after pulling myself up from severe hardship, but that's the best I can hope for. Long term prospects generally come with higher expectation, and what I can realistically hope for over the course of my coming life, is pretty disappointing. Maybe not quite drudgery and misery but, well yeah, probably that. No life, no meaning, no chance for any of my old dreams or ambitions to fruitilize. Yes I just made up a word, I'm doomed and I have no future so I can have at least that.

I mean it's not all that bad, I may be exaggerating, not on how it is or how it will be, but about the effect of it all, but right now I'm just not in the mood to put a happy face on it all.

And those kittens are still hidden away.

Happy fucking June

Tis the month of June, and in the northern hemisphere it's the beginning of summer, the lightest month with all the daylight, a time for joy and frivolity and all that shit. Unless you have a job that is particularly busy in the summer and requires you to roam about be outside in the heat which I don't then it's something else, unless you like that sort of thing which I don't but the point is moot because I don't. Have a job that is, not that sort of job or any sort.

Anyway many are happy because of all this, looking forward to swimming and singing and sizzling or whatever you do in the summer, which people tend to enjoy. I'm just sick. Well I'm not just sick, I'm still in the funk I was in, no improvements, no subsiding on the crap that was, no kittens even. I mean no kittens coming out to play. There may have been movements on some issue but I haven't done a damn thing the last 3 days.

It's a flu, I think, headcold and sore throat and stomach bug and all that crap. I'm getting over or at least momentarily getting over the upset stomach but still have a headache and burning throat. I bet you really wanted to know that. It's all I need on top of everything else. I vaguely remember whining about my shit the other day and speculating the possibilities of the next few days. One of my predictions was that more bullshit would plague me and I was right. I believe it was at the top of my list, I'm good at this, I know me and I know my life.

I'd grumble more but I've watched a lot of historical documentaries and tv the last 2 days ok mostly tv and one documentary but a lot of the stuff I watched is set in some past or future of imaginary hard time and I know my problems are not at all that bad compared to the majority of the people in the world over history. It just doesn't really make me feel any better.