Way to get what you want.

I'm moving. This is a very good thing, as I've wanted to move for a while, and things have pretty much sucked lately, for as long as it's been this year in fact.

A bit of background in case you care. I'm living with, or as I prefer to say staying with William, who is my ex boyfriend and business part, and friend, I guess quite good friend but I really can't stand him sometimes. I broke up with him a year ago, officially at least, when I moved out of the flat we then shared. I got my own sharing with somebody which was great.

After a few months I had problems with that flat and I had to move out, this was September I think, because there wasn't so much money at the time I just came here, William's flat, our office, and where my computer and internet is. I thought it would probably be for a month, but money was short, then I had other problems which I'm not going to go into here, then I just couldn't fucking find a suitable place. I was going insane. It's been more than a year since I broke up with this guy and I still can't get a life of my own away from him, I still see him, hang out with him, and everything else more than anyone else, and everyone still thinks of us as together.

And then this year came along, and everything went from sort of ok, but not quite right, to fucking terrible. The one person that mattered to me, that I could spend time with, who I was and still am desperately in love with but that's beside the point, decided he didn't want to see me anymore, without telling me at all but nevermind, the point is that I was pushed back further into the depending on William abyss than I'd been before.

What am I getting at? Well, I'll get to that.

So I've been looking at flats to share. Most of them terrible. I saw one last week however that I liked, and thought, hmm, this could be cool, but I won't think too much about it because I probably won't get it. He said he'd get back to me on Thursday. A guy called Joan, that's pronounced Yo-an I think. I thought it was a woman until I met him because of the name, but that's ok, he seems like a reasonable guy.

So Thursday came. I was quite preoccupied with other stuff, so I wasn't thinking about it that much. I got no messages and by about 4pm I figured he'd given it to the other person who saw the flat before me. A bit of a blow, because I really needed something to relieve my misery, but what could I do.

So I basked in the luxury of having everything in my life be totally tragic, with nothing too look forward to, in fact being doomed.

After a while I went back to the internet and looked to see if there were more flats worth looking at. There was nothing. So I decided for once to look at flats for rent, as ooposed to flatshare, and surprisingly I found one that seemed reasonable. I thought, what the fuck am I doing looking at this flatshare bullshit? I've been thinking for months that I just can't afford to move into my own place, but really, that's only if I don't demand that William, who has no more right to our money than I do, gives it to me. And of course this one I saw might be taken, or it mightn't be as good as I thought it was, but if that seems good, there will be others.

I felt something almost in a way similar to happy for the first time this year. I was going to get my own flat! I'd get my own tv, and in time a computer, and I'd get a cat! Finally I get to have a kitty cat all of my own, to love and cuddle and take wacky photos of! I was basking in the idea, and the feeling of power it would give me to tell William that I was going to get my own flat, and yes I am going to have that money!

Then I got the message. If you're still interested in the room, you can have it. Or something like that. I almost felt disappointed, I nearly wrote back that I had now decided I was going to get my own place, but I decided that was stupid, so I wrote back yes.

So that's how you get what you want. Decide you want something else altogether.