And not one thing about blowjobs!

If you want to hold on to your husband, read on.

The following is a 1955 guide to being a good wife. It might be real, or it might be some joke, but just for fun I'm going to assume it's real.

It's good advice, but not perfect. Some of it just doesn't go far enough in explaining just what is necessary, and I'm afraid in parts it's just wrong. So I'm here to correct the most glaring errors.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

This is obviously impractical. You can't make a gourmet meal every night, and he'd just start moaning about where the housekeeping money is going. What you need to do is get him used to liking cheap, easy to prepare meals. You can have a few similar mix and match things, like chicken and chips, fish and chips, chicken and mashed potato etc. That way you can pretty much make it in a couple of minutes after he comes, which solves the problem caused by unpredictable return time. If he comes home late, just don't bother to cook. If he's already eaten out you won't have to make anything, but if he's still expecting dinner you can whip it up easily enough. And always make sure to say something like "here you are, it's your favourite, fish fingers" when you're putting his plate in front of him. You'll have him trained in months.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Well, I'm sorry girls, but this is kind of useless. If you're hot, you're hot, though you do have to work at keeping yourself that way. If you're fat and ugly I'm afraid there's no hope for you, he'll be banging his secretary before the first year is up.

Oh and "be a little gay" doesn't mean invite a friend over for a threesome. Unless you want it to.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Irrelevent. The house should be in perfect order at all times, otherwise you're a bad wife and mother.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

This one's a problem. How to make the kids sit down and shut up? You could try discipline, but this usually requires the old "wait til your father gets home" trick, which would involve your husband, and we don't want to trouble the poor darling, so it looks like a bit of drugging is the way to go. Fortunately nowadays it's easy to get ritalin for your kids, so give them a big dose about half an hour before he's due, and they'll be perfect angels by the time he shows.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Yes, you've only been running around after his own children all day, that's the last thing he wants to hear about.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

And indeed as a proud wife and mother, you have nothing to complain about. If you feel yourself getting frustrated, just think of all the unhappy childless spinsters out there who couldn't get a man, and you'll feel better instantly.

Um, but if he stays out all night, then I'm sorry but he's fucking someone. But never fear, just start having sex with the milkman. It will make you feel better.

Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Just remember, he's had a hard day sweating at his desk pinching the secretary's bum, whereas you've been sitting around eating bon bons while the children play happily around you, time to get to work!

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Let's be honest. You know and I know that your husband is an idiot. The way to get around this is to pretend that you agree with everything he says, "yes darling, you know best", and then just do things the way you would anyway, he'll never notice. If you're clever with words, you can suggest things in a way that insinuates it was his idea, so you can have everything your own way, and have your husband think he has the perfect obedient wife. Everyone wins.

A good wife always knows her place.

On your back, on your knees or bent over the desk, you know your husband best. If you're unsure call the office and ask the lady on the other end, she'll know.