merry xmas

holidays, shmolidays

It's "that time of year", the time of xmas, the solstice, festivus and many more holidays too numerous to mention ranging from thousands of years old to slightly fewer thousands of years old holidays based on the older ones with slight changes to relatively new ones to considerably new ones with various levels of basing on older holidays based on still older holidays, aka "the holidays". So we got that out of the way. I'll be having a modest one which I expect I usually say. Just staying in, having a half assed, partially based on a modified version of 2, maybe 3 different traditional xmas meals, with not a whole lot of booze this time seeing as one of the parties involved doesn't drink, that said the party I just now referred to is not oneself so one may choose to indulge, perhaps, quite a bit. And that's about it. There'll be some quiet giving of a small number of modest presents, perhaps a tree or at least an artwork somehow based on a christmas tree, not my responsibility so not sure what's intended, and a kitty. yes, we have a kitty, just for christmas, it's Cecily again, if you know who she is. It's weird these holiday thingies. I always know it's not going to be a big thing but I always feel it should be done properly, with everything prepared ahead of time, trees and tinsel and engaging with other people and lots of food of a particular sort and all that goes with it, so I do nothing until the last moment, when I realize oh shit christmas is like, tomorrow and everything is going to be closed from like, yesterday so I go off in a rush to get all these things I absolutely need to get to have everything just perfect and I get like maybe, um, one of them. And that's what I'm doing now. I mean the nothing bit, not the actually kind of doing, or trying to do the stuff bit, no, it's way too early for that, there's still like 2 days left until christmas, 3 if you don't count all the days everything will already be closed, so maybe tomorrow at some point in the early afternoon I'll feel like I really should go out and, you know, stuff, but I'll decide I can't be bothered and anyway there's still another day. Then the next day I might rush around like a mad chicken and get nothing done and then the holiday will come and we'll be here, eat and watch tv like we always do which is always fine except we'll have a kitty here. and that's about it really. Merry Christmas and all that or whatever you celebrate. Hope you've got all your shopping done and everything is good.

why hello

it's another month yet again, the last o' the year I thought I'd sign in. Being a lady of leisure these days, ie between jobs ie unemployed I have plenty of time to write so I've no excuse, except I couldn't be bothered, so here's a picture instead. I consider it sorta seasonal.

Done

So I managed to do one thing this year. Among all the others of course but none of that matters, the thing that matters is I was in a movie. You don't see me, really, and barely hear my voice, but I was in it. At least one, and now I can look forward to the next year and hope there are more and dammit there better be a fucking load more!!! Anyway, done, chickens hatched and counted, recovering (slowly) from a flu (grrr) that's put me out of commission and unable to go to work (yay, sorta) for a few days. This is me as I appear in the film.

I shouldn't count my chickens..

but I am, a little bit. So, my acting "career" has pretty much dried up before I even started it, and I haven't done anything, I mean not a damn thing, not a minute in some friend's practice scene or a bit of improvised street theatre or a goofy cabaret act in some bar or a 42 second long self made self acted self shot film or a voiceover for a teaching video or a fuzzy blip in the background of an ad for flannel rags or a non speaking background role in an indescribable piece of theatre with over 50 cast members or a wife in a student film... nothing. I was in despair that I wouldn't act in a single thing this year, and that was vexing, very very vexing. Oh I got offers. Like, 2, both for the mother and the wife respectively. I don't mean a character with a story that does stuff who happens to be a wife or a mother, or even "a" wife or "a" mother, it was for "the" mother/wife. Both very small roles and both cast as about my age. Why would someone cast me as someone my own age!!! I look younger.. I swear I do, everyone tells me I do... I do I do I do!!!! anyway.. both of them were for like, the next week and obviously days I was working at my ob which I've quit but still have because I work almost every day of the week at this job and the likelihood of them happening to be shooting on my day off was small. I mean, I'd like to be in a position where I'd calmly turn down a tiny non speaking role of the mother of the person who is the person who has a story in the film and be confident that I've moved on from that sort of thing and can do better but.. as I said, done nothing for ages, so I would have accepted them, except, finding someone to cover you for a tour that hardly anyone at the company does.. not easy. So, no go. Anyway now I'm in one, next week. It's for a mother but it seems like it's more "a" mother than "the" mother, age unspecified, and they contacted me in enough time to request those days off, so I'm in it. So.. that's it, if nothing else happens between now and December 31, I've at least been in one this year. Of course, haven't done it yet so perhaps I'll have to return those chickens yet. Will let know.

Change is afoot.

I just made a big change. Thing is, I'm not sure it's going to take, exactly. Time will tell. I made this change, I'd like to say triumphantly but seeing as it's due to me failing at life yet again, I'm not sure I can claim that. Again, time will tell. Yes, yet again I've fucked up, or not so fucked up, fucking up has a kind of art to it, people who are fabulously disastrous, people with great highs and lows, people you notice that have a weird and wonderful if sometimes difficult life. What I've done is just amble along, not being good enough and sinking down to generally just below average in a totally not worth writing home about boring manner. It's what I always do. And here I am. So I tried to take control of the situation, allowing me to keep a tiny semblance of pride. Perhaps it's a bad idea, in fact, I know it's a bad idea, but not doing this is also a bad idea and which one is a worse I have no idea, so I chose to do what I damn well felt like, and I don't know if it worked. I even fucking fail at fucking quitting, how does one manage that? The near future should let me know more of what my greater future will behold, but as for now I have to wait until they let me know.

For once I had it good.

And then it stopped. Of course, during the time it was good I was too busy being unhappy about other not good things, or the lack of other good things to appreciate how good it was. Now I do, but I don't have it. It's just typical. It was almost unfair how good a deal I had, for a little while. I mean it's overall fair because as I mentioned earlier on and go on and on about at length, there is a lot that is shitty for me and much lacking, so I reckon for once I deserve a good deal. Well I had it. Maybe not for too long but I had it. Guess that's it for me, that's all the luck dried up. All downhill from here.

I never write anymore.

It's true. I literally never write anything ever, anymore. This is however, typical of the times. I never do anything anymore, even the stuff I never really did before, at any point. I don't do any acting anymore, not entirely through choice but partially through laziness. I don't take photos anymore, not good ones anyway, and not often. I don't go out anymore, I don't travel anymore I don't even drink anymore. I don't do anything. Do you know what I do do? Well I already told you, it's nothing, but mostly I just work. And watch tv, read stuff on the internet and.. that's about it. I think it's pretty much it for me from now on.