Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It's like an incredible feeling of deja vu all over again..

Sigh.

It's time again. Time for me to muse about, ponder, and lament this particular version of the passing o the time. I could say the same old jazz that I always bang on about, the same time of year every year, how it's just so..

I mean, I'm not so put out by the fact that I'm as old as I am, in the way that I'm no longer young, spry, fresh, blooming, cute.. all those things that a lady bemoans the loss of.. and when I say I'm not put out I mean it's all too easy to believe, I don't get that slight shock when I stop and think, this is true. I'm not saying I like it, I'm not even saying I don't actively dislike it.. I'm not even saying it doesn't distress me quite a lot, and often to feel my weary bones and see my haggard face.. and see the (recently increased yet again) number after the "age" section.. because yes, I fucking hate that shit. I'm just not at all in denial there.

Birthday party..

What really astounds me is.. well, the way I am. This unestablished, disorganized, inexperienced, foolish, irresponsible and downright immature person. I don't have anything and I've done nothing. Well I've done stuff, but it's all over the place, and doesn't really count. Hard to explain. And I know a lot of people of mature ages are youthful and fun, but there's really something missing here, almost everyone I know, though they seem like a bit of a mess (that's quite a few people) have something about them, that one little grown up thing about them, that lets you believe they're in their 30s, or 40s. When I look at myself it's just.. I can't believe it. I couldn't believe it when I was 30.. and then at about 35 which seemed like such a fucking grown up age that it was just impossible I could be it, then 36.. 37.. and on :/

Like I said, or at least vaguely alluded, I say this every year so there's probably not much left to be said. So I'll see you next year. Or sooner if I have something to say :).

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